Friday, March 31, 2006

Previously On Master Yoda's Blog...

Like to take a walk down Memory Lane with me would you? Well, too bad that is! Going to anyway, you are! Hmph!

(A link to each individual post, each captions is. For easy reference, find all of these posts here you can.)















The answers to my prayers it is! Or is it?
















Taken at a Wookiee concert, this was. Know how they applaud, do you? Shock you, the answer may.























Very angry I was when out of my meditation I awoke, and like this I found myself.














Other events like this, I remember...





















Stupid eye exam tests at the DMV!


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Thursday, March 30, 2006

Fishing With Kenobi

Fishing with Kenobi on Naboo, I went today. One of the few things I can stand to do with him, it is. Still, keep from being a doofus, he could not.

"Kenobi, have to use your beard to hold your flies and lures, do you? For that, a tackle box is!"

"I can get to 'em quicker this way."

"Kenobi, a beer out of the cooler get me."

"We're out. There ain't none left."

"What?! In the boat we just got! Had a beer yet, I have not! A whole case there was!"

"Yeah, there was just that one case. So there weren't hardly enough to get me through the trip up here. Guess that'll learn ya to bring more beer next time, huh? By the way, I gotta pee real bad for some reason."

Getting on my nerves more and more as the day went on, he was.

"Kenobi!" at him I yelled, "Lick your fingers after baiting your hook, do not! Making me sick, you are!"

"You gotta take the fun outta everything!"

For a long time, biting nothing was. Getting frustrated I was. Finally, a jerk on the line I felt! A big walleye bass it was! Putting up a big fight it was. To struggle with it for half an hour I had to! Finally, in I brought it.

Huge it was! Sure I was that a record I set! But a catch and release policy Naboo has, so to throw it back I would have. The only proof, a picture would be.

"Quick, Kenobi! A picture take!" I yelled.

The camera he got out and this picture he took:




[Scroll down you must]



























That doofus! Even take a simple picture he can not! Believe me now, no one will! Some quality time with the pressure washer he and I will spend tomorrow.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Eye-Sore In the Parking Garage

Sick of seeing that air speeder of Kenobi's every time I go to the Jedi Temple parking garage, I am. An old, beat up Traan-Zam speeder, it is. Run, it does not. Up on blocks it is. A real eye sore it is!

Body parts from other speeders from the salvage yard it has. Even some parts from a Kom-Arrow speeder, it has. A different color from the rest of the body, the driver's side door is. And a different color from that door and the rest of the body, the hood is. A bunch of rusty holes filled with Bond-O it has. Patched with duct tape, the seats are.

Force Kenobi to haul it off I would, but the only thing covering the oil slick beneath it, it is. Make enough Bantha litter to soak up that much oil, they do not.

Still, complain to Kenobi I must. "Kenobi! Do something about that junk speeder, when are you?"

"That ain't no junk speeder! That there Traan-Zam is a classic!"

"My eyes it hurts to look at it!"

"I told you, I'm fixin' it up!"

"Been 'fixing it up' for five years now, you have! Take how many more years of fixing will it, before run it can?"

"These things take time! You can't just restore a classic overnight!"

"Evidently, you can not!"

Interested in buying an old, beat-up "classic" speeder are any of you? I think put it on eBay, I will.


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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Disrespect!

Walking through the toy store today I was. Looking for presents for the Younglings I was. Known what a mistake it would be to go there, I should have.

Before it I knew, at me a little pointed then said, "Daddy! Daddy! Look! It walks and everything!"

"Hmph! A toy I am not..."

"You don't want that, Sweetie. It's so ugly. Let's find you something cute."

"What?! One minute here, just wait. Ugly I am..."

"He even talks! Oh, Daddy, can I have it, please?"

"You know," the man said as up he picked me, "I can't see where you put the batteries..."

"Hey! Looking under my robe, stop!"

"I don't see a price tag, either."

"Down, put me! Like being upside-down, I do not!"

"It looks like it was pretty cheaply made, too."

At that, with my cane I whacked him. Let go me then, that made him.

"Ow! That's it! We are not bringing any violent toys into our house!" Then his daughter's hand he grabbed and off they went.

About to give them both Force-wedgies I was, when up to me a store employee came.

"What is this thing doing out of the box?"

"No, wait!..."

Fast, she was. Before do anything I could, like this I found myself:






[scroll down you must]






















A Force-wedgie for this act of disrespect, every employee in the store received. Still, a while to figure out how to get out of that box, it took me.


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Monday, March 27, 2006

Simple My Needs Are

Simple my needs are.

Sometimes, a bologna sandwich, all I want is. All that is required to make me happy that would be. A bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread, all I want is. Yes, enough that would be - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways. Yes, all I would need that would be - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard. Yes, all I want, that is - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese. Yes, all I need that is. Happy I would be.

Yes, and go well with that sandwich, a glass of Sauvignon Blanc would. Hmm, yes, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, needed to add to my sandwich all that would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese and Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, all I need is.

And eat that while sitting in a comfy chair I would. Yes, a recliner that leans back - perfect that would be. Hmm, yes, eat my sandwich and drink my wine in a rocker recliner that vibrates I would. All I need, that is - a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy. No more than that would I require - a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, all I need is.

And look out the window at a nice view while eating my sandwich, drinking my wine, and sitting in my comfy chair, all I would need to do, would be. Yes, eat my sandwich while looking at the ocean from my beach-front villa, all I would need is. Yes, all I need, that would be - eating my sandwich while looking out of the window in my beach front villa with another view of mountains to one side. Yes, all I need that would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, all I need is.

Of course, need to listen to music while eating my sandwich, drinking my wine, sitting in my comfy chair, and looking at the ocean, I would. But all I need that would be. Listen to music from a Bose Acoustic Wave machine, all I would need to do, is. Yes, all I need that is - a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control. Yes, satisfied I would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, and a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control playing my favorite music, all I need is.

Yes, and share it with a special someone I would. Yes, all I need that is. To eat my sandwich while drinking my wine, sitting on my comfy chair, looking at the ocean and the mountains, listening to my favorite music, and cuddling with Dolly Parton, all I need is. Yes, satisfied with only that, I would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, and a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control playing my favorite music, and Dolly Parton to feed my sandwich to me, all I need is.

Yes, simple my needs are.

.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Reflections]




I want to put the rest of the Jedi on notice here and now that my head is no longer to be used as your personal mirror. Do not ask me to lean closer so that you can check your hair (I am talking to you, Anakin!), your make-up (ahem, Yaddle), or whether the contents of your dinner managed to make it all the way into your mouth instead of on your face (I think we all know who I am talking about here). As you all know, I carry no less than three real mirrors in the pockets of my robe at all times. You are more than welcome to use these, though I don't know why you can't just carry your own mirrors. But you will no longer be allowed to check your reflection on my head. To be used this way is demeaning, deflating, demoralizing, and destabilitizing.

I worked long and hard to make my pretty cranium the shiny, reflective thing of beauty that it is. I did not work so hard so that every yahoo with a zit on his nose could come along and make me wait while he pops it. It's humiliating, man!

Just yesterday, the little green man and I were eating at that hot dog stand down the street. As usual, I was having my tofu dog with organically produced ketchup and mustard, because my body is a temple, man. Of course, Yoda was having his disgusting chili dog topped with every artery-clogging substance he could find. Yoda's body is not a temple, man. It's fallen-down tool shed at best. Anyway, I made a mistake that day.

"Yoda, you have a chili bean on your face." I shouldn't have said it, but I did. I couldn't help it man! He was just sitting there, all through lunch with that chili bean sitting on the corner of his mouth, trying to talk to me about troop deployments and padawan training initiatives. It was making me sick!

"Get it did I?"

"No. It's on the right side of your mouth."

"Get it now, did I?"

"Your other right, man."

"Now?"

"No. A little higher."

"Useless this is. Down here, bend."

"No, now come on!"

"Down here, bend."

"But I have actual mirrors you can borrow. There is no need..."

"Down here, bend, I said, Doofus! Want a Force-wedgie, do you?"

Why I put up with this indignity, I don't know:

























In case you care (and I don't know why you would), Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow.

.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Mess With My Chunky Munky Do Not

Feeling very stressed today I was. So forward to drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky I was looking. Always count on Chunky Munky to make me forget my worries I can. But when to the freezer I got, gone, all of Ben & Jerry's was!

"Kenobi!" I yelled. "Sense your presence I can! Hiding in the pantry you are!"

"No, I ain't!" a voice from inside the pantry said.

"Out of there come, or coming in after you I am!"

Just then, a blood-curdling scream I heard. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! My head!! Oh Force, it hurts!"

Then open the pantry door flew. Kenobi standing over a bunch of empty Ben & Jerry's cartons it revealed. Holding his head he was.

"Kenobi, OK are you?" I asked.

"My head! It hurts so bad! I feel like I just want to cut it off! Oh god it hurts!"

"Worry not, Kenobi. Take care of you, I will. An ice cream headache you have. But a cure I have. Passed down to me by my mother it was."

"Please, just make it go away!"

"OK, closer come. Closer. Good. Fine, right there is." Then, in the shins as hard as I could with my cane, I smacked him. Down to the floor he crumpled.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! That hurt! What'ya do that for?" he said. Holding his shin in pain he was.

"Forgotten about your headache have you?"

"Yeah."

"Welcome you are."

Even charge for that I did not. See how giving I am, do you?

.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

At first, a sneaky way of getting out of actually writing a real post, these "Previously on Master Yoda's Blog" posts may appear to be. But absolutely false that is. Sneaky it is not. Very blatant it is.

So, previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

(Links to the actual posts, the captions are.)












Very cold, my ears sometimes get.























A problem, Young Skywalker's foot odor has become.












Hint: Me, the one in the middle is not.















Screen my calls from this Hutt, I must.















Happen to catch that progam called Misfire did you when on it Windu and I were? Intelligent Design we debated.

***********
By the way, kept up with Big Brother Naboo, have you? On this week's challenge, Darth Vader himself, the judge was!

Thursday, March 23, 2006

At the Kennel Show

In the Kennel Show I entered Chewbacca. I figured that a good chance for us to win some money it would be. More money for a trip to Dollywood I need.

Doing well we were. Very good Chewie looked. His hair he had done before the show, so quite full of himself he was.

Then, the part of the show where we trot around the judging area, it came to. Doing pretty well at first we were. But out on the field, a cat started running! Broken Chewie of chasing cats yet, I have not. So out of control he started running! See the results below you can.




[Scroll down you must.]
































In last place we came. Do anything right, that Wookiee can not! Remember to smack him with a rolled-up newspaper I must.


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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Ever Able to Show My Face At That McBurgerland Again, I Will Not Be

To the park I took the Younglings and Bob the Bantha this morning. By noon, very hungry we were.

"Master Yoda, can we go to McBurgerland and get a Cheerful Meal?" Harvey asked. Always concerned about his stomach he is.

"Yes," I said, "Very healthy that will be. Poor enough my circulation is not. Double McGreasy Burger with Cheese I need so that completely blocked, my arteries will be."

"Please!" he said, "You don't hafta worry about your heart stopping, Master Yoda! We learned CPR! Come on, please!"

"No."

Then, in the rest of the Younglings joined, "Please!"

"No."

"Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!..."

"Oh, alright! Go to McBurgerland we can!" I said, 250 'pleases' later.

Trouble there was when to the McBurgerland we got. Open, the door would not. Very strenuously, I pushed. Still open, it would not. All of the Younglings I had help. Still nothing.

Inside the restaurant I looked. Inside people were. Opened for business it appeared to be.

So some more we pushed. Still open it would not. Getting mad at the door by this time I was. Also, very hungry I was getting. To get inside that stupid McBurgerland I wanted.

"Stand back, Younglings," I said.

A running start from far back into the parking lot I got. Very fast at the door I ran. Wham! Very badly that hurt. Still, open the door would not.

So using the Force I tried. But even affected by the Force, the door would not be! Desperate measures, this called for.

Bob I backed up to the door. The Younglings I put on the other side of the parking lot. "OK, your hands over your noses and mouths everyone hold! Ready?! PICKLE!"

Just then, out the front door, the manager came. But too late to stop Bob it was.

"MUAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbbtttt!!!!

"AH!!!!!!! My eyes!! My eyes!!" the manager yelled, "Oh god, that's cough awful! cough cough What in the world cough are you people cough doing?! I'm never going to get this cough smell out of my clothes!"

"Sorry about that I am," I said, "But open, your door would not. Pushing on it for a long time we tried."

"Perhaps," the manager said, "next time cough you'll take some time to notice the sign:"

















I think that ever able to show my face at that McBurgerland again, I will not be.

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A Visit From My Cousin

A visitor I received at the Temple today. My Amish cousin Yoder, it was:






















"Yoder, doing what here are you?"

"Cometh into town to selleth my wares, I hath. But to seeth thee I wanted, Cousin. A long time since setteth my eyes on thee, it hath been. A long time hast pasteth since cometh to visiteth me and my household thou hath."

"Yes, well, meaning to visit you I have been, but detained by the war I have been."

"A load of bantha squeezings that hath be, Cousin. Seeth through thee, I can. An excuse that hath be."

"Ok, right you are. Sorry I am. Visit you as soon as I can, I will. Get here, how did you?"

"In my bantha-driven speeder buggy I rodeth here. Parked in thy parking garage it hath be. That thou mindeth not, I hopeth. It hast blocketh someone's speeder."

















To look at it we went. "Hmm, yes. Blocking a speeder it is. But Windu's speeder it's blocking, so it matters not. Say, old your bantha is looking. Interested in buying another one, are you?"

"Unloadeth thy demon bantha on me, thou shalt not. Possessed with evil gas it hath be. Screweth me over thou shalt not."

Kind of cynical for an Amish person, Yoder is.

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Guest Poster: Obi-wan Kenobi [Topic - Teachin' the Younglins]




That there Harvey the Younglin asked me a very important question today. It was a question every younglin asks some time or another. That's cause it's just natural to be kyurius cureeus cyoorius wonderin' about stuff like that. Besides, that boy's about the age when younglins want to know some about the facts of life.

So he asked me, "Master Obi-wan, where do Cheetos come from?"

Now, most of the time, when one of the Younglins ask me a question, I just make sumthin' up, 'cause most of the time I don't got no answers. But this time I was ready. I know all about Cheetos, and where they come from, and what-not.

"I'm real glad you asked that, Harvey. I think you're old enough now to know the answer to that one. You see, Cheetos come from the Cheeto Elves what live in the big Cheetos shoe."

His eyes got real wide. "Really?"

"Yup. Sure is."

"Is that like the Keebler Elves in the Keebler tree?"

"Nah. This here's completely differnt. See, them Keebler Elves is just make-believe. Cheeto Elves is real."

"Oh."

"Yup. Them Cheeto Elves work day and night with their magic Cheeto dust puttin' together Cheetos so's they can be delivered to all good little Younglins by Chester Cheetah."

"You sure know a lot, Master Obi-wan."

"I guess so. So, where'd you think Cheetos came from before I told you?"

"I thought they were manufactured at a factory, using a process which combines different ingredients derived from agricultural products like enriched corn meal, vegetable oil, soybean, and a small amount of cheddar cheese, along with artificial ingredients such as maltodextrin, monosodium glutamate, and food coloring; and then packaged and shipped to distributors and then wholesalers and vendors until finally they're delivered to local merchants, such as supermarkets and convenience stores."

"Well, don't feel bad. You just weren't old enough to know no better." Heh heh, them Younglins sure get some funny ideas sometimes, don't they?

Anyways, Yoda will be back to talk to youns tomorrow. So have a good one.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Why Tickle Yourself You Can Not and Other Important Matters

Today, sitting in the middle of the Temple living room with his shoes off and staring at his feet, Harvey the Youngling was.

"Doing what, are you, Harvey?" The question I asked, but a feeling I had that asked I should not have.

"Trying to tickle myself."

Correct, my feeling was.

"Doing that, why are you?"

"'Cause it's Monday."

"Oh," I said, pretending that sense his answer made, "You know, impossible to tickle yourself, it is."

"Really?"

"Yes. A fact that is. Tried, many have. Carefully chronicled in the Jedi Archives, their attempts have been. Look it up you can. Tickle yourself you can not."

"Why?"

"I know not."

"Why?"

"Because I know not."

"But I thought you knew everything, Master Yoda."

"Hee hee. Very wise I seem to you, hmm?"

"No. Just old."

"Hmph! Well old I am, but know everything I do not."

"Well, that seems like a real important thing to know. I mean, when I get real old like you, I'm gonna make sure and know real important stuff like why people can't tickle themselves."

"Good to have goals, it is."

"Say, Master Yoda, can you tickle someone with the Force?"

"Yes. The Jedi Tickle Trick, it is called. Watch this."

Just then, walking down the hallway, Windu was. "Hey Yoda, I need to talk to you. I... what the?... Hee hee! Ha ha! Hey, stop! Ha ha ha ha! Stop! Hee hee hee! No, I mean it! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Eventually, on the floor lauging uncontrollably, Windu was. "Hee hee hee hee! Ho ho ho ho ho. Please, stop! Oh God, I'm going to get wrinkles from this! A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"That was cool!" Harvey said, "Do ya have to stick your hands up and wiggle your fingers in the air like you did?"

"Yes. And say, 'coochie coochie coo', you must. Very important saying, 'coochie coochie coo', is. Or else work, the Jedi Tickle Trick will not."

"That is awesome! I'm gonna go try it!" He said, as off he ran.

"Harvey, wait! Only use the Jedi Tickle Trick only for good, and not evil, you must!" But too late, I was. Before it I knew, Force-tickling everyone and everything from the cat to tourists and senators who were visiting the Temple, Harvey was.

Created a monster, I have.

.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

No Time to Post I Have

Sorry I am, but no time to post today I have. Time to sit down and write a post I have not. Just too busy today I am. So be posting today I will not.

You see, much time to sit down and write one of these posts it takes. Much time. And time for that today, I have not. Do anything about that I can not.

Yes, have to wait until tomorrow for a post you will. Believe me, if time to post I had today, post I would. And reading an actual post right now, you would be. But unfortunately, find the time to post today, I can not.

Imagine how much time I am saving by posting today, you can not. Know what I will do with all that time I do not. But I know that do something with it I will. Because very busy I am that is. Way too busy to even write a short post I am.

Yet, almost guilty for not writing anything today, I feel. But the way it is, that is. If time to write I have not, time to write I have not. Do anything about it I can not.

Nor time to post a picture like this do I have:















A lot of time to post a picture like that, it would take. And time I absolutely do not have, that is. So posting any pictures like that today I will not.

Yes, nothing in this space will there be today. Time to put anything here I have not. After all, an important member of the Jedi Council I am, so inevitable it is that happen at one point this would, it was.

If even a second I had, post something I would. But a second I have not. Not even a mili-second I have. Not the tiniest fraction of a second I have. Otherwise post something I would. But even a nano-second for posting I have not.

.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

Yes, I know that very late this post is. Stupid Blogger's fault it is! But worry not! A Force-wedgie I have given all Blogger employees at once. By the way, late tomorrow's post will be too. But my fault that will be. Maybe Force-wedgie the Blogger employees again anyway, I will. Hmm, yes.

Provided some highlights from past posts below I have. If new to this blog and lazy you are, read my past posts you have not. Perhaps do this I should not, because enabling your laziness that would be, but here some more of the highlights are:

(To each individual post, the descriptions link.)

Want to do this to my Dolly collectibles, who would?!






















Still know how this happened I do not.



















Sure I am not, but I think different Jar Jar looks here. Put my finger on the reason I can not.























Sometimes, immature Kenobi can be.





















Complications it causes when stuck like this my neck is.














Mean for anyone to see me in my pajamas, I did not.























.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Biking For Bothans

Today, the Annual Biking for Bothans charity event was. These stupid charity events I really hate. Always something rediculous they want me to do. Just send them a check, why can't I?

Looking forward to this I was, because riding bicycles I enjoy. Of course, a long time since ridden a bike I have, it has been. Ride a bike through this neighborhood without being chased by a bunch of Wookies, you can not.

But a problem there was when to the event I got. Up on the first bicycle they gave me I climbed. Reach the pedals I could not. Over I fell. For a smaller one I asked. Too tall it was. Several of them I went through.

"Have nothing smaller do you?" I asked them.

"That's the smallest one we have and we moved the seat all the way down... Wait, there is one bike we haven't tried."

"Whatever it is, take it I will." Too soon, I spoke. See this from the picture below you can...



[Scroll down you must]
























Take how much more humiliation can I?!!

.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Temple and Gardens

This morning, over the people from that magazine Temple and Gardens, came today. To take some pictures of the living room here in the temple and my prize-winning azaleas in the back yard, they wanted. Well-known for my azaleas, I am.

Very excited I was. Been looking forward to this for a week, now I have. Worked very hard at keeping the Jedi Temple nice, I have. So very important to me this was. All nightcleaning up the Temple and weeding my garden I watched the Younglings. In my very best robe I dressed. My hair I slicked back (Yes, some hair I have left! Smart-alecs!). Tea and cookies I made for the magazine people. The whole morning, sitting and watching the front door, waiting for the doorbell to ring, I was.

Finally, arrived they had. After some tea and cookies, into the living room I led them.

"I think like what I have done with this room, you will... Kenobi!"

Strung up a wrestling ring in the living room he had. Dressed up in wrestling costumes, he and Harvey were. Using my drapes and curtains as capes they were! Turned over or broken, all of the furniture was.

"Kenobi, doing what, are you?!! Here, the people from Temples and Gardens are!"

"Oh, was that today? I wouldn'ta done this if I knowed they was comin today."

"Kenobi, no good day to do this, there is! And these ketchup stains, on the carpet why are they?"

"It was his idea!" Kenobi said. Pointing at Harvey who was hiding behind the turned-over sofa, he was. "He insisted we needed fake blood! I told him we didn't need no such thing..."

"Your fault this is, Kenobi! The adult you are supposed to be! Deal with you later I will."

Angry I was, but figured I had that still show the magazine people my azaleas, I could. So to the back yard we went. Unfortunately, rolling around in my azalea bed and munching on the floors, Bob the Bantha was.

"Bob!" I yelled, "No, Bob! Bad bantha! Bad!" But too late it was. To get him out I tried, but tangled up in a water hose he had gotten.

"Well," one of the magazine people said, "your bantha seems to have gotten himself in quite the -"

Like in slow-motion it was. To stop the man from finishing his sentence I tried, but be fast enough I could not. "No-o-o-o-o-o!" I yelled, just as out of his mouth, the word came...

"p-i-c-k-l-e!"

"MUAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbtttttt!!!!!

No noxious, the fart from Bob was. Knocked to the ground we were. Coughing and trying to rub the sting out of their eyes, everyone was.

"Why did he do that?"

"Because the word you said."

"What word?"

"Pickle!... Oh no."

"MUAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbtttttt!!!!!

Another humiliation that ever live down I will not, this is.


.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Guest Poster: Anakin Skywalker [This Ain't Funny, Yo!]


I'm about to bust a cap up in here, yo. I ain't jokin' neither. I am mad, yo.

Check it - this mornin' I goes into the bathroom, right? I gots to take care of my hair and junk 'cause the Chosen One's gots to represent, know what I'm sayin'? So I take out my chest of hair accoutrementizzies - my stylin' gel, my sculpting gel, my conditionin' gel, my setting gel, my 12 different kinds of shampoo, 14 different kinds of conditioner, my stylin foam, my stylin' spray, my firm hold spray, my oil sheen spray, my curl activator, my hair mask treatment, my moisture retainer, my aroma oil, my big brush, my little brush, my medium-size brush, my back-up medium-size brush, my plastic comb set, my steel comb set, my 12-volt hair dryer, my travel hair dryer, and... it ain't there, yo! Why you askin' what ain't there? It obvious from what I just said, yo. What's missin' from all that spit I just listed, yo? My curlin' iron, yo!

This gots me all panicin' and spit, and the Chosen One don't panic or nuthin'. Yo, I brought the smack-down on all kindsa bad Sith lords and junk. I can hang, yo. But don't nobody mess with the Chosen One's hair. Nobody.

So I'm runnin' around, no, I'm walkin around ('cause running around in a panic ain't cool, yo), askin' everybody if they seen my curlin' iron and spit. And I'm gettin mad, yo, 'cause ain't nobody sayin nothin and I knows sumbody gots to know sumthin'.

I even asked the little green riddle monkey. He was all, "Seen I have not. Bother me do not. Sleep-, uh, meditating I am."

And I believes him, yo, 'cause if he had my curlin' iron he'd be all smackin' me with it and junk. But bein' the little green riddle monkey, he cain't just say, 'I ain't seen it'. Nah, he gots to be all up in my grill, "Too much time on your hair you spend. Some time away from the mirror you should take."

But I ain't tryin to hear that, yo. Yeah, I could be like the little green riddle monkey and completely give up on tryin' to look good, yo, but I ain't. So I keep lookin'.

Finally, I comes to the Temple parkin' garage, there's that little Harvey the Younglin' dude usin' my curlin' iron on Bob the Bantha! I about took a lightsaber to him right there, yo! I mean, I wouldn't do nothin' like that, but I was feelin' it, know what I'm sayin'? What makes it so bad is that my curlin iron is the kind with the little spikes comin' out and junk that brushes the hair and spit. So now, I got smelly Bantha hair all up in my curlin iron, yo! Man, I gots to go slaughter some sand people or sumthin'. Yeah, that'll make me feel better.

Yo, the little green riddle monkey'll be back to talk to you guys tomorrow.

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Monday, March 13, 2006

Again, the Kenobinator Strikes

On a mission to prove to the rest of us that TV wrestling is real, Kenobi is. Decided to do this by sneaking up on us and trying to body-slam us or put us in head-locks, he has. When he is going to strike, we never know.

Walking down the hallway I could be and leap on me out of nowhere, wearing his wrestling tights and mask, he will. The other night, into my room I came, into my pj's I changed, and into bed I climbed. Suddenly, from on top of the door where hiding he had been, on to my bed he jumps, yelling "AHA!!". Of course, the bed this broke. So bad the Force-wedgie I gave him was, that see the medical droid he had to so that get his wrestling tights removed from you-know-where, he could.

Yet, learn he did not. The next day, from on top of the bookcase in the living room, he jumped at me. But prepared I was. With the Force I sensed him, even though hiding he was. So before land on me he could, across the room I threw him with the Force. When he came at me with the chair, that was. So, using the Force again, beat himself up with the chair I made him. Now since a few days to think about it in the Temple Infirmary he will have, maybe learn his lesson he will. But probably not.

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Sunday, March 12, 2006

The Dangers of Petting a Wookiee

Another visit Chewbacca paid us today. Whenever around he comes, play with him the Younglings like to. The attention he enjoys. Down he bends so that scratch him behind the ears and on top of the head they can. Getting scratched on the head he likes.

But today, down on his back with his arms and legs sticking up he got. That he wants his tummy rubbed this meant. I knew that bad this would turn out.

"No!" to the Younglings I shouted, "Rub his tummy inside the Temple do not!"

But too late it was. Rubbing his tummy, Harvey was. And enjoying it, Chewie was. Soon, kicking, one of Chewie's legs started. Before an end to this I could put, knocked over two lamps and the sofa, and put a hole in the wall with his leg, he had. This is why if rub a Wookiee's tummy you must, outside you must do it.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Getting This Information to Us, Many Bothans Died...

This morning, a knock on the front door of the Jedi Temple, I heard. Standing there, a Bothan was. A package he was holding.

"I have a delivery for a Mr. Y Oda."

"Me that is."

"Many Bothans died getting this package to you. Sign here please."

My new Time Life series about Dolly Parton on DVD, it was. Good about it's guaranteed overnight delivery, United Bothan Service is. But I wish that have to always recite their slogan, 'many Bothans died getting this to you', every time they deliver a package, they did not. Kind of a downer it is. Even on the side of their delivery trucks, it is. Of course, better than their old slogan it is, "We die more before 9:00 am than you die all day."

And because so dangerous their job is, the reason so many of them die is not. Because very bad drivers they are, it is. Always on their cell phones they are. Reckless, even the ones who are not drivers are. Always riding in the middle of the street their bicycle messengers are. And out in front of traffic, their couriers are always stepping. Pay attention they do not. Think you would that specialize in something other than delivery, Bothans would.

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Previously On Master Yoda's Blog

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Yacking With Yoda

Hosting my radio call-in show I was yesterday.

"And... back we are. Listening to Yacking With Yoda you are. Your host, Yoda I am. Our next caller, Brian from Alderaan is. Hello, Brian. On the air you are... Brian? There are you?"

"Push the button!" my producer yelled.

"Which button you speak of? Many there are."

"The big flashing one! The same stupid button I've had to remind you for months to push every time you get a call! For crying out loud! I'm going to go nuts!"

"All you had to say that was." Very uptight he is. "Hello, Brian. On the air you are."

"Hello? Am I on now?"

"Yes, on you are. You're problem what is?"

"Well, my mother and my wife aren't getting along and it's causing me a lot of stress. I don't know what to do about it anymore."

"Start, when did the trouble?"

"It probably started on our honeymoon. You see, Mom wanted to go to the mountains but my wife wanted to go to the beach, and..."

"Wait. With you on your honeymoon, your mother went?"

"Well, yeah. Mom wanted to go and it had been a long time since she had taken a trip, so I thought why not? So anyway, my wife gets all bent out of shape just because my mother insists on coming into our room and picking out my clothes every morning before I go to work. And to be honest, I don't really like it either. But you know, it's my Mom, and I hate to say no..."

"Brian, you're problem I see."

"You do?"

"Yes, surgery you need."

"Surgery?"

"Yes, a spine transplant you need. Next caller. Anne from Endor, on the air you are."

"Hello lo lo lo lo? Am am am am I I I I I on on on on on?"

"Yes, on you are. Your radio turn down."

"Oh, sorry."

"There, better that is. With what, help you I can?"

"Huh?"

"You with what, can I help?"

"What?"

"What with, help you can I?"

"I don't understand..."

"Your problem what is?!!"

"Oh, my problem. Well, I've been dating this guy over the Internet for several months now, and he asked me to marry him. He lives on the other side of the galaxy, but that's alright. I don't mind moving. In fact, I've already packed my bags, sold my house, and quit my job so I can move."

"The problem what is?"

"My family thinks it's a bad idea just because I've never met the guy in person. But that doesn't matter, does it? I mean, it feels like I've known him for years. And besides, he's sent me pictures and everything. It's strange, but he looks exactly like Brad Pitt, I mean exactly the same. Anyway, I know this is the man for me. But I wanted to get your opinion."

"I think a good idea it is."

"You do? That's great..."

"Yes. In fact, while at it you are, swim naked in a shark tank why don't you?"

"What? But I..."

"Just as smart that would be. Or maybe wrap yourself in tin foil and run around outside during a lightning storm, you could. Yes, smart that would be also. Yes, very wise decisions you make for yourself, I can see."

Good at this, I am getting. I think because so obvious it is how much I care, it is.

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Tabulate your votes for the "Best of Master Yoda's Blog" poll, my Stupid Intern will tonight. Then update the sidebar he will. Like to thank everyone who voted I would.

Next week, another poll for posts 201-300, there will be. I promise, the last one for a while that will be!

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Crayons

A credit I wish I had for every time this I hear:

"Master Yoda! Harvey's got Crayons stuck up his nose again!"

Know how to break that youngling of this habit, I do not. Even know why he keeps doing it, I do not. Once I asked him. Make sense the answer did not.

"Harvey, stick Crayons up your nose, why do you?"

"I was trying to color my brain."

"Get an idea like that, where did you?"

"Master Obi-wan."

Known I should have. Still, think you would that learn after the seventh or eighth time, Harvey would. Evidently, too much time this Padawan youngling spends with Kenobi. Know that contagious, a lack of common sense is, I did not.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not. Going to keep the poll up for next 24 hours, I am. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph! .

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Youngling-Proof Lids

In a new kind of bottle, my blood pressure medicine is coming now. Youngling-proof, the lid is. A good thing that is, because in the Temple, a lot of nosy curious younglings live. Want them to get into my medication I do not. Bad for them that would be.

Unfortunately, old-person-proof, this bottle seems to be also. A very hard time getting it open I have had. The instruction carefully I followed:

Push lid down.
Turn counter-clockwise.
Line up all three arrows.
Shake bottle vigorously.
Bang lid against kitchen counter.
Count to three.
Jump on bottle while reciting the alphabet backwards.
Hold bottle with both hands and bite down firmly on lid.
Yank.

But open it I could not. Making my blood pressure go up, trying to open my blood pressure medication was!

So the Force I tried to use on the bottle. Impervious to the Force, it is! A sledge-hammer I took to it. Nothing! Even able to cut it, my lightsaber was not! Getting the bottle open all of the Jedi Master's tried - twice. A whole hour of today's Jedi Council meeting we wasted.

Pretty disgusted I was. So in the kitchen, eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky I ended up. Yes, good for my high blood pressure that can not be. But if get to my medication I can not, make what difference does it, anyway?

Eventually, along Harvey the Youngling came. "Why ya so sad, Master Yoda?"

I guess a scowl on my face I had. Usually, as well you know, very cheerful and full of sunshine I am. "Oh, open my blood pressure medication I can not. Very difficult it is. No, impossible it is!"

"Ya mean this bottle, Master Yoda?"

"Yes, play with that do not..."

POP

"There ya go, Master Yoda! I opened it. It wasn't hard. I'm gonna go play now. Bye!"

Up I give.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not. Open until this Thursday, the poll will be. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph! .

Monday, March 06, 2006

Bantha Clicker

To watch Matlock I sat down to watch today. My favorite show that is. Every day I watch it. Old it never gets.

But today, to panic I started! Find the remote control I could not! All over the living room I looked. All the sofa cushions I pulled out. Under the sofa I looked. Inside the recliner I looked. The magazine holder I emptied. The carpet I made the Younglings pull up. Under Harvey's bed we looked (end up there, all kinds of stuff does). Still, find it I could not.

Then something I remembered. One of those beepers activated by clapping I had installed on the remote control (trouble finding it before I have had). So loudly I clapped. But nothing I heard. So all over the Temple I started clapping. Nothing. Until close to the parking garage I got. A beep from the parking garage I heard!

Into the parking garage I went and again I clapped. The beep I definately heard. But muffled it was. Around I looked so that see where the sound was coming from I could. From Bob the Bantha it was coming!

So now, complicated, watching TV is. If to change the channel I want, lay down in front of the TV I make Bob. Then, jump on him every time I need to change the channel I have to. To change the volume, rotate his right hind leg to the left I have to. And to turn the TV on or off, to blow in his ear I must. Of course, wait for the remote to "pass" I could. But a feeling I have that want it then, I will not!



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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until this Thursday, the poll will be. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Guest Poster: Mace Windu [Topic: Humiliated, Invalidated, Deflated, and Emaciated]




Wait! If you haven't read yesterday's post about the Annual Jedi Academy Awards, read that first, fool!

I have been robbed. I have been robbed, humiliated, invalidated, deflated, and emaciated. You know what I mean. No doubt you watched the farce, the joke, the charade known as the Annual Jedi Academy Awards - a despicable event which I shall forever boycott and rail against with every last drop of strength I can muster.

The one category which belonged to me, the one event which should have been mine, for it is my birthright, went to a pretender. Yes, I am talking about the "Shiniest, Prettiest, Bald Head Category". I was robbed! I am the one truly deserving of that award, not this man!:













Ki Adi Mundi no more deserves this award than Atilla the Hun would deserve the Nobel Peace Prize! He may be bald, but he is neither pretty nor shiny. In fact, he looks more like these people:















They are from the Planet France, I understand. And if I'm not mistaken, he may be related:















But forget that! Compare his dull, lifeless noggin to my beautiful shiny cranium:















There is no comparison, man! Look at the glare coming off of my head! Just don't look directly at it, unless you want to damage your retina.

This is serious to me, man. I'll tell you why. You see, during that period of my life when I had left the Jedi Order, I fell in love, man. It was deep, hard love, the kind of love that just eats up your insides until the only thing left is the love. Do you understand? Probably not.

This woman I was in love with, she was a thing of beauty. Just look at her:




















I won't tell you her full name, so let's just call her "Miss P". Isn't she beautiful?! What man wouldn't be in love with her? My soul ached for her, man. But it was not to be. She said she could never be with a man who neglected his skin care the way I was doing. You see, this was before I had discovered the value of proper skin care. I was so busy being a macho, rugged, bad mammer jammer, that I didn't even bother to think about my skin care. So she rejected me, man.

When that happened, I can truthfully say, my spirit was broken. It broke me, man. It's like someone took my soul and ripped it in two. Sniff. Excuse me, I need a second.

OK, I'm alright now. From that point on, I was determined to be the kind of man that would be deserving of my one true love. That's why this award was so important to me, man. Don't you see? I thought if maybe, I had this award, I could go find her and show her that I am at last truly worthy of her affections. But that heinous body of criminals know as the Awards Committee has kept me down, man. I shall not forgive them.

I don't know how it could possibly matter, but Yoda will back to talk to you people tomorrow.

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Oh, Yoda wanted me to remind you to voteon his "Best of Master Yoda" poll if you haven't already. Just look for the ones that begin with "Guest Poster: Mace Windu". Everything else is a waste of time.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Forcies

Time for the Annual Jedi Awards, it was. The "Forcies" we call them. Like this stupid event, I do not. A waste of time it is.

Walking the red carpet, the worst part is. Because you have to talk to these two, that is:

Joan and Melissa Rivers

Darth Facelift and her apprentice, Darth Whiny, their names are. The Dark Side, these two are.

Enter into the hall through a side door I wanted. Find the side door I could not. So once on the red carpet, to avoid those two I tried. That I was going to make it, I thought. Interviewing Senator Amidala they were. Going on and on about her dress, she was. To sneak by I tried.

"OH! OH! OH my GAWD! Master Yoda, there you are!"

Wookiee snot.

"Master Yoda, come here a second! My Gawd, what are you wearing!" Darth Facelift the Ancient One asked me.

"My Jedi robe it is. What I wear all the time it is."

"'Wear all the time' is right!" she said, "It looks like you sleep in the thing too!"

"Yeah, Mom," Darth Whiny jumped in, "it looks like he came here in his pajamas!"

Massive Force-wedgies I gave both of them. Especially affected, Darth Facelift seemed to be.

"OH! OH! My face! The wedgie pain made the Collagen come loose! Oh my Gawd! OH!"

"Don't worry, Mom! I'll get your onsite makeup/cosmetic surgery crew here right away!"

Finally, into the hall we all were. Begun, the awards show had.

The winner of the first category, they announced:


Oscars

"And the Forcie for the 'Most Fluent Jedi in Ghetto Speak' goes to... just let me get this envelope open..."

"I'm so excited! Hurry!"

"...Anakin Skywalker!"

Up to give his acceptance speech, Young Skywalker got. "Yo, I wanna thank y'all for keepin it real, know what I mean? I wanna thank my mom. I wanna thank my gir-, uh, Senator Amidala for havin my back, yo. Peace!"

Next, the category for "Most Cheetos Consumed By a Single Jedi" was. Of course, that one Kenobi won.

"I want to thank all them Cheetos elves who spend all that time in that there tree makin the Cheetos..." On and on about the 'Cheetos elves' he went. A long talk with him I will have to have later.

Finally, to the "Best Display of the Force by a Jedi Under 3 Feet Tall and Over 800 Years Old" category we got. Surprised I was that once again, won it I had.

"Like to thank all of the little people, I would - Yaddle, Gary Coleman, Danny DeVito, other little people..." Long my acceptance speech was not. Tired I was getting.

Trouble there was when to the last category we got - the "Prettiest, Shiniest, Bald Head" category.

The envelope they opened. "And the winner is..."

Up, Windu stood.

"Ki-Adi-Mundi!"

Ki-Adi-Mundi

"WHAT?!" Windu screeched. Up on stage he rushed. "This is an outrage! This is a huge injustice! This is completely, undeniably, unfair! That is my award! I've earned it!"

Off stage he had to be dragged. Sobbing all the way, he was. Great, have to hear about this for the next two months, I will.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

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Friday, March 03, 2006

This Week on Big Brother Naboo: Very Sophisticated My Art Is

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to make a sculpture we were. An easy challenge for me this was, because sculpting, one of my hobbies is. Breeding Chia Pets and scrapbooking, some of my other hobbies are, but need to know that you did not.

Anyway, worried I was that appreciated by those doofuses other contestants, my art would not be. Very high-brow and sophisticated my art is. Very deep it is, too. Able to grasp it, they probably would not be.

See below you can just how sophisticated my art is.



[scroll down you must]



























"The Stinker" I call it. Be intimidated by it's sophistication, do not.

Check out all of the contestant's posts, here you can.

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Forget to vote for your favorite post do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

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Thursday, March 02, 2006

Another Traumatic Michael Jackson Memory

Told you a while ago I have about the time that join his zoo, Michael Jackson tried to force me. To stay on his Disney ranch and change my name to Bubbles, he wanted me. Know little, did I that a powerful Sith lord known as Darth Jacko he is! Fight him I could not because into drinking his secret Jesus Juice, he tricked me. My Force powers it inhibited. Bad memories those are. Yes, very painful.

Well, lately, surfaced another repressed memory has. Very traumatic this was. A picture I have. Know if show it to you I should I do not.

OK, show it to you I will.






















So frightened I was! Four stories up we were! See him laughing maniacally, do you?! Look any longer, I can not. Very traumatic, this was. Very traumatic.

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Forget to vote for your favorite post do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Your Help I Need

Trouble getting a full night's sleep I have had. Mainly because of the many trips I have to take to the bathroom that is. Almost 900 years old my bladder is. When almost 900 years old you reach, hold it in as well, you will not, hmm?

Considered just bringing my pillow to the bathroom and sleeping on the toilet, I have. Easier that would be. More sleep I would get.

On the other hand, right next to mine, Kenobi's room is. Make him move out like I did Young Skywalker, and turn his room into my own bathroom I could. Then tear out the wall in between our rooms I could so that have so far to walk I would not. But kind of crowded, Bob the Bantha's stall is getting so know where Kenobi would sleep I do not. Maybe in the Janitor's closet he could sleep. Hmm, think about this I will.

Anyway, in the middle of the night last night during one of my many trips to the bathroom, a disturbing noise I heard coming from the office. Someone snoring it was.

"Stupid Intern!" I said, as a good kick I gave him, "supposed to be putting together the 'Master Yoda's Greatest Hits' poll, you are! Supposed to be sleeping you are not!"

A total mess he was. On his face, imprints from the keyboard were, from where lying on it he was. To stand there and watch him finish I had to. Sleeping at that time I could have been. So hard to find, good help that works for free is.

So, a poll for you to answer I have. Your help deciding what should go in "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits" on the right side of this blog, I need. The 101st through the 200th post, this poll lists. Next week, another poll I will have my Stupid Intern make. The 201st through the 300th post it will list. Broken down this way, the "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits" list will be. Your help with this I would really appreciate.

Vote here you can.


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