Dooku: The Reckoning, Smackdown on Springer
So, come to this, it had. Inevitable it was. On the Jerry Springer Show, Dooku and I were. Ready to throw down we were.
"My Friend You Were, But Me You Dissed, So To The Hand Talk!" the theme of the show was. Never friends Dooku and I were, even when a member of the Jedi Order he was. Very stuck up he was. Besides, hang out we could not because allergic to his Vaseline Hair Tonic, I am. And tell you let me, like in the stuff he bathes, it smells.
On the segment before ours, a nice lady named Shaquanda was. Apparently, cheated on her with her own sister, her "baby's daddy" had. Actually, father of only two of her seven children he was. Still, "a dog" he was. At least, think so the audience did. Loudly they cheered when her sister and her baby's daddy, Shaquanda single-handedly beat up. A big girl, she was. Eight security guards to pull her off her baby's daddy it took. Just because of the lifting involved, that was.
Told I am, that usually leave the stage the last set of guests will before the next guests come on. But feel like getting out of her chair, Shaquanda did not. Have strength left to lift her off, the security people did not. So still on stage when I came on she was.
Below, the transcript of our segment is-
JERRY: Welcome back, today on the Jerry Springer show we're talking to people who have been dissed by their friends. With us now is Yoda who says his former friend Dooku has been a complete jerk since leaving the Jedi Order. Yoda says Dooku has called him names, put spiders in his room, and even insulted his ride.
JERRY: Yoda, tell us about Dooku. He calls you names, is that right?
YODA: Called me "that midget frog on the Jedi Council" and "Jedi Master Kermit" behind my back he has. Very hurtful it is. Easy being green it is not.
SHAQUANDA: You can't let him talk to you like that, Boo! Stand up for yourself. You a good-lookin little green man! You got to love yourself, and don't let nobody dis you like that.
SHAQUANDA: You hear what I'm saying? You got to love yourself. I love myself. Look here. You see this? This is 325 pounds of fine mamacita.
AUDIENCE [Cheers louder]
YODA: A fine mamacita you are, yes.
*Editor's note - Know what a "fine mamacita" is I did not. But wise to agree with her, I thought it was.
SHAQUANDA: You fine too! You got to love yourself. Say it with me, "I'm green and I'm proud!" Come on!
YODA: Green I am and proud I am.
SHAQUANDA: That's what I'm talking about, Boo!
JERRY: OK, why don't we hear Dooku's side of the story. Dooku, come on out.
COUNT DOOKU [Enters stage left]
YODA [Jumps up, draws lightsaber, and moves towards Count Dooku]
COUNT DOOKU [Draws lightsaber]
SECURITY [Comes on stage]
YODA AND COUNT DOOKU [Put away lightsabers and sit down]
JERRY: Dooku, what do you have to say for yourself?
DOOKU: It's all lies, I tell you, lies! Name-calling is distasteful to me. It rather gives me the vapors, really.
JERRY: Would you be willing to take a paternity test to determine if you're the father?
DOOKU: Say what, Old Chap?
JERRY: Sorry, wrong note card.
DOOKU: I really don't see what all this bally-hoo is about, really. I'm quite flummoxed about the whole affair. What could possibly...
YODA: [Interrupting] A butt-head you are, Dooku.
SHAQUANDA: [To YODA] You tell him, Baby. [Pointing to Dooku] You need to step off my boy, alright? You don't need to be goin' around callin' nobody "Master Kermit" or "Jedi Frog" like you all that. You just a wrinkled up old man.
SHAQUANDA: [Whipping neck and head from side to side] And ain't nobody fooled by that comb-over you got goin' on either. Everybody can see that bald spot on the back of your head.
COUNT DOOKU: My dear lady, it behooves you...
SHAQUANDA: Hooves?! What you talkin' about hooves? I know you didn't just call me a cow!
YODA: To me it sounds like calling you a cow he is.
COUNT DOOKU: I am certainly not calling you a cow, Madame. I am simply just imploring you not to speak of that which you are ignorant.
SHAQUANDA: Oh no he didn't!
YODA: Yes, he did, I think.
COUNT DOOKU: I am merely asking you to be quiet!
YODA: [To SHAQUANDA] Going to let him talk to you like that, are you?
SHAQUANDA: [Jumps up] Oh, it's on, now! [Leaps at Dooku]
SECURITY [Enters from stage right and left to stop the fight]
YODA [Makes a quick gesture with his hand from left to right]
SECURITY [All fall down at once]
COUNT DOOKU: Oh Heavens! [Shoots blue bolts of electricity from his hands at SHAQUANDA]
SHAQUANDA: [Absorbs electricity with her body fat] That ain't gonna work on me, Player! I'm too much woman for that! [Attacks Dooku]
AUDIENCE [Cheers wildly] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
COUNT DOOKU: The face! Please, not the face!
[Force lightning bounces off of SHAQUANDA and on to JERRY]
JERRY: Blurrrrrghackhhhhh! AAAAAAAAH!
JERRY [Stumbles to stage to try to break up fight]
YODA [Waves hand]
[A chair suddenly flies into the air and knocks Jerry off stage]
JERRY: [Staggering, looking at camera] Is it time for a commercial? Thank God! Coming up next, once I quit bleeding and my hair stops smoldering, my next guest Charlene says her best friend Connie-Sue stole all of her food stamps. Now, she has nothing left to trade for beer and cigarettes. That's next on the Jerry Springer Show.
ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow on Springer, "This Double-Wide Isn't Big Enough For The Both of Us". Tomorrow.
As see you can, quite productive that was. Resolved that way, all Jedi/Sith disputes should be. Unfortunately, air this clip they will not. Violent enough it is not, the producers said. And something about take their clothes off no one did, they said.
Recruited Shaquanda to join the Jedi Order I have. Need her on our side we do.
****Thanks to Jawa Juice for the pic!
Finally completed his story, The Death of Shawneetown, my stupid intern has. That's why so late this post is! Hey, on your own time do that, Stupid Intern! Write for your blog on the time I don't pay you for, do not!
Anyway, on his Bill Johnson's Fiction blog, it is.