Thursday, April 20, 2006

Singing, the Fat Lady Is (My Last Post)

Attention first-time visitors to my blog: Kind of sappy, this final post it. Perhaps enjoy the posts in the archive or under "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits", you would.


Today, meditating about Obi-wan's situation I was. Contemplating I was the years that known him I have. When he was a youngling and showed up at the temple, I remember. Like yesterday it was. There he was, in his stained little wrestling costume, his nose picking. Wait, yesterday that was.

Anyway, in my comfy chair I sat, and some of my Dolly Parton CD's I got out. But, all over my CD's, Cheetos smudges were!

"Obi-wan!" I yelled, "In here get!"

Into the living room he came. "Look, if this is about them Dolly Parton CD's, I can explain..."

"Closer, come."

"Now, hold on..."

"Closer! Down here, lean! Now!"

"Oh, alright, just make it quick."

Around him, I put my arms.

"AAAAAAH!" he yelled, "What you doin'?!"

"Hugging you I am."

"Why? Are you dyin'?"


"Am I dyin'?"

"No, dying no one is. What family does, this is."

Just then, in Windu ran, "What the heck is goin' on in here?"

"Hugging we are."

"Why? Who's dying?"

"Dying, no one is. Come, hug you too, we will."

"Well, in that case, I am all into that!"

Then, in Young Skywalker came. "Yo, who's dyin'?"

"Join us, Young Skywalker. Hugging, we are."

"Ah, no. I ain't doin' that. You geezers is all messed up now, yo."

"Get over here, Anakin," Obi-wan said, "If I gotta do this, so do you!"

So a group hug, we had.

"We ain't goin' to be doin' this real regular, is we?" Obi-wan said.

"No. Just something I needed to do it was." Playfully I smacked him, "Doofus."

Later, meditating I was. A flash forward to the future, I had. Sometimes, the future, the Force can show you. Sometimes, full of crap, the Force is. Understand what I saw, I did not. But somehow, that alright we would be, I knew.

Like to see what I have seen, would you? Then closer you must come.

No, closer you must come.


AAAAAAAAH! Too close that is! Trying to give me a heart attack are you?

Much better that is. Now, what I have seen, you will see. The voices I have heard you will hear. The smells I have smelled, you will smell. Not that one, though. The burrito I had for lunch that was. Shh! The future:

"Why do I have to carry you to all of your errands? What's this got to do with becoming a Jedi?"

"Quiet! A long way to the post office, it is. As big a whiner as your old man, you are. The pace pick up, or another 'present' in your designer backpack I will leave!"

Hmm, understand it all, I do not. But, more I see.

"Hmm, more snake stew I have cooked. Disgusting it is. Make Young Skywalker eat it, I will. Fun that will be. Sneak off to the Taco Bell around the corner later, I will. A good thing it is that know about the Taco Bell, he does not."

"Hee hee! Been kissing your sister you have. Hee hee!"

"Shut up! I told you, I didn't know she was my sister!"

"Hee hee! Yes, sure. Messed up, you are. Hee hee hee hee!"

"Hmm, yes. Impressive that is, Young Skywalker. Now, take all of the change that fell out of your pockets, I will. Maybe learn not to fall for this trick next time, you will."

"That boy is our last hope..."

"AAAAAAH! Kenobi! Told you before not to just appear out of nowhere like that, I have! A clean pair of shorts I need now!"

Wait! Even farther I can see...

"A'ight, yo. Who farted?"

"The feller, the smeller is, Young Skywalker."

"I can't believe you guys! Being one with the Force hasn't improved your manners at all!"

"Ha ha! It ain't me, Yo!"

"Lie do not, see through you I can, quite literally! Hee hee!"

"Fuh real, though, I think it was Obs."

"It weren't me. Hey, I recognize that smell."

"Yes, too I recognize it. But impossible that is..."

"Bob? One with the Force you are? What the - ?"


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi

Hey, how youns doin'? Good? Good. Me, I'm not doin' so good. I mean, I feel fine and all. It's just that, well, you read them there last two posts what Yoda wrote.

See, I been doin' fine my whole dad gum ('scuse my language) life just bein' plain dumb. Yeah, people made pretty bad fun of me and all. Like the time Mace and Anakin kept mockin me just because I thought road signs that said "Slow... Children" meant that the younglins that live in that neighborhood cain't move too fast. ...Or the time I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows ...Or 'cause I like to look at the pichers instead of read the words ...Or because I think that there game Chutes and Ladders is too complicated ...Or because I thought that there thing what pops out of your computer for you to put your CD in was a cupholder ...Or because my own monkey keeps beatin me at Checkers... Well, youns get the idea. But I could take it. It weren't no big thing. At least there weren't nobody feelin sorry for me.

Like I said, I was doin just fine bein just plain dumb. But now, them doctors got to give some big fancy name to it: Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. Sure, people quit mockin me now. But now, they all look at me real sad-like, like I'm one of them little kids on those Feed the Younglings commercials. They talk at me real slow, now, like I cain't understand nothin. And they feel like they have to explain everythin to me.

Just this mornin', I was in a Council meetin', and Ol' Mace said, "We'll begin that mission in the Outer Rim next Tuesday," then he turns to me and says, "That's the day after Monday."

I know which day Tuesday is! I know, 'cause that's the day of the week that the Temple Cafeteria serves Meatloaf Surprise. I generally don't go to the cafeteria that day, but that ain't the point. The point is, if this were four or five days ago, Ol' Mace wouldn't a never thought to say that to me, 'cause didn't nobody know I have this here disease. But now, he thinks he's got to treat me all special-like.

Even the Younglins are in on it. Ol' Harvey offered to tie my shoes for me every mornin, in case I couldn't handle it! I mean, come on! I'm a Jedi Master and a member of the Jedi Council, dang it ('scuse my language again)! I done beat a bonafide Sith Lord and done a whole buncha other good stuff that earned me a seat right up there with Yoda, Mace, and all of them. I can tie my own shoes! Most mornins it only takes me two or three tries to get it right, too!

And then Yoda's actin' all weird around me now. He won't let me watch my wrestlin, or Ernest Goes to Camp, or any movie with Ernest in it. He keeps shovin' what he calls 'brain food' down my throat, and don't none of it taste good. I've ate enough pickled womprat livers that I think I'm growin a tail and whiskers. And he's fed me so much raw fish that every time I open my mouth, the cat tries to jump inside. Now, whenever I try to talk to Yoda, he just pats my hand, and looks up at with them big sorrowful eyes. And then, he had to go and throw that big telethon and tell everyone that I got that there Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. So now, everybody in the whole Universe knows it! I swear, I'm gonna go plumb crazy!

Anyways, I didn't mean to complain to all youns. It ain't youns' fault. Yoda'll be back to talk to youns tomorrow, maybe for the last time in a long time. So have a good one.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Telethon

As read you have, very bad news about Obi-wan, I received yesterday. It turns out, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder he has. No cure for him there is. Be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life, he will be.

The signs I should have seen earlier. All those times that explain Beetle Bailey to him, I had to - tipped me off, that should have. The fact that trouble he has following the plot in Ernest Goes to Camp, a clue that was. So blind I have been!

Ever since hearing the news, high my blood pressure has been. Been able to eat, I have not been. Slept well I have not. All night researching Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder on the Internet, I have been. Out it turns that this disorder many famous people have:

Do something to raise awareness I had to. So a telethon I held today. To help, many celebrities turned out. Very common in Hollywood, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder is.

Maybe the telethon you saw? If not, below some highlights are:

Jerry Lewis: Hi folks and welcome to the Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder Telethon. You know, this is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. I know that a lot of you out there who have enjoyed my movies suffer from this horrible disease. In fact, they've done studies on this. And those studies show that most people who think my old movies were funny are either Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered or French, which is almost the same thing.
We have some very special people manning the phones today. Three members of the Jedi Order are with us, Master Yoda, Master Mace Windu, and Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. Let's listen in.

Master Yoda: No, the fanny pack you get only if 100 credits or more you pledge... Yes, a lot for a fanny pack that is, but... Look! If a good deal on a fanny pack you want, to Wal-Mart you should go! For charity this is! Hmph!

Master Windu: No, I can't make sure they keep Masterpiece Theater on the air. Are you sure you're calling the right place?

Jerry Lewis: Way in the back there is Anakin Skywalker, otherwise known as the Chosen One. He looks like he's working pretty hard, too. Let's say 'Hi'. How are you doing back there, young man?

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, baby, wassup? Ah, you know I miss you, girl! You my fly-girl, you know that!... Yeah, me too... Yo, baby, don't make me say that here! They's people around and spit! You know how I feel, I ain't gotta say it here, do I?... Oh, all right, [mumbling] I love you. There... what you mean you ain't heard me? Again? Ok, I love you... Aw, come on! I said, I LOVE YOU! You happy now?... Aw now, wait, baby. I ain't mean to yell at you like that. You know I ain't mean it that way...

Jerry Lewis: Ahem.

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, hang on. The geezer's callin' me or sumthin. [To Jerry] Yo, wassup.

Jerry Lewis: It looks like you're working pretty hard back there, young man.

Anakin: Yeah, well, you know. Anything for Obs. He my dawg, yo.

Doing this for Obi-wan, we all were. Still feel like it is enough, I do not.


Monday, April 17, 2006

Kenobi's Condition

Walking by the Temple Infirmary I was today. There, Kenobi I saw. An icepack on his head, he had.

"Kenobi," I said, "doing what here, are you?"

"I hit my head."

"He has a minor concussion," the medical droid said.

"Kenobi, been crushing beer cans against your head, have you? Told you how many times have I, that first open the can and empty it before trying to crush it against your head you must?"

To the side, the medical droid took me. "I'm afraid it's more serious than that, Master Yoda. Master Kenobi is showing signs of Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder."

"Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder?! Serious, that sounds! Going to be OK is he?!" Starting to panic, I was.

"The good news is no one has ever died from this disease, at least not directly."

"Mean what, by 'not directly', do you?"

"Well, the disease can cause those who suffer from it to make unwise decisions. For instance, some who have been diagnosed as Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have been known to do things such as buy homes in flood plains, stick forks in toasters, talk on the cell phone while driving, watch Jerry Springer, and sadly, try to crush beer cans against their head while the cans are still unopened and full of beer."

"Well, do what can we? Going to be this way for the rest of his life, is he?"

"We still have to run some tests and rule out other conditions. For instance, we would need to rule out Mentally Oblivious Random Oafishness Neurosis, which can be very similar."

"But going to be alright is he?! Surely, something we can do there must be!"

"Right now, there's no cure for Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. But we can try to treat the symptoms and slow the spread of the disease. Tell me, has he been watching a lot of professional wrestling lately?"

"Yes, all the time he watches that."

"Hmm. Well, he'll have to stop that immediately. Studies have conclusively shown that every time someone watches professional wrestling, that person becomes a little more Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered."

"Very difficult that will be for him."

"I'm afraid he'll have no choice. Here's a list of other programming he'll have to abstain from. As you can see, most of it is either on UPN or stars the Olsen twins."

"Yes, very useful this will be."

"Still, he will probably be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life. The upside is that most people who are Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have no idea exactly how Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered they really are, or even that they're Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered in the first place."

Completely unaware of this disease before, I was. Research it I must, so that help Kenobi I can. Aware of this affliction, more people should be!

*** By the way, late I am, but like to congratulate Captain Picard on his 200th post, I would. Check his blog out, you must!

**** In case read it you have not, an important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog.


Saturday, April 15, 2006

Youngling Parties

A party for one of the classes of the Younglings I had to throw today. A deal I had made with them. If able to produce 4000 T-shirts for my T-shirt store in one week, they were, then throw a pizza and ice cream party for them I would. The promise I made because I thought that make that many T-shirts, they never could. But try anyway they would. So increased productivity I would get and have to do anything extra I would not! Brilliant it was!

But, dangle the promise of pizza and ice cream in front of Harvey, you never should. Ruled by his stomach, that boy is. Day and night he worked. And the other Younglings in his class he convinced to work day and night too. So, 4001 T-shirts they made one week last month. Ever sell that many shirts I will not! So all these extra shirts I had, plus throw a stupid party, I had to!

What's worse, Wonder Wookiee they wanted at their party too. Going to spend money on somebody in a costume, I was not! So Chewbacca I made dress up as Wonder Wookiee. But want to put the costume on he did not. A big fuss he made.


"Put it on you will! Be such a baby do not!"


"Feel silly in it, why should you? See you only Younglings will!"


"No, make your hips look big it does not. Now, on put it, or Wookiee Biscuits you will not get!"


"Of course, put a picture of you in that costume on my blog, I will not!":

Like all Youngling parties, quickly into chaos this one descended. At first, playing Pin the Tail on the Womprat they were. But soon into Pin the Tail on the Windu it turned. Like that, Windu did not. Embarrassing for a Jedi Master, being chased down the hall by 20 younglings, it is. Make it any better, Windu screaming like a little girl, did not. So humiliating for him. (Hee hee!)

Then, when tired of trying to whack the piñata they were, Kenobi they strung up and whacking him they started. I guess tried to do something at this point, I could have. Hmm, yes.

But soon, so out of control it got, that even stop it I could not. At some point after the third food fight, and the 23rd chorus of "Eat It or Wear It", a good idea, one of the Younglings thought raiding Young Skywalker's underwear drawer would be. Before it I knew, his Spider-Man Underoos they were wearing on their heads and scenes from Lord of the Flies they were re-enacting.

An end to this I had to bring, so the pressure-washer I got out. All of the little monsters I sprayed. The chaos this broke up. Tomorrow, deal with scrubbing the pepperonis off of the ceiling they will have to.

An important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog. Read it you must.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

The last "Previously on Master Yoda's Blog" post this will be. Happy now, are you? Hmph!

Links to each individual post, each individual caption is. Read all of these posts here, you can.

Suspicious this pizza delivery boy looked.

One of the many humiliating experiences I have had, this was.

A waste of time, this support group is!

Harvey's one and only guest post, this was.

My vacation home, the people from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tried to renovate.
Part 1 Part 2

About Windu's experiences in the Ice Capades, this was.

From before Windu 'lost his groove', this was.

Coming in the future this is! Ready are you?

Like bobbing for water, this was.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Drunken Wookiee

Another drunk call from Chewbacca I got last night. Stop doing this, he must! My sleep I need. Besides, nothing more pathetic than a drunk Wookie, there is.


"Yes, Chewbacca, 'love you, man' I do too. But 2 am it is..."

"Wuarrrrr. Wrrrrrrr. Muaaarrrrrr."

"No, know why Senator Amidala doesn't like you 'that way', I do not."


"Oh, the 'friends just let us be' speech she gave you when out you asked her."


"Then the 'you it is not me it is' speech she gave. Well, I..."


"Yes, good-looking you are. Sure I am that the reason that is not."


"No, be silly do not. Getting fat you are not."


"Yes, sure I am that out there, Ms. Right is."


"No! A good idea to call her at this time it would not be. Late it is and drunk you are."


"Yes, drunk you are. Hear it I can. Slurring your words, you are."


"OK, just mean that is. Like you when you are this way, I do not. Going to hang up I am."


"Well OK, since sorry you are..."


"Yes, how much our friendship means to you I know. No... cry do not. Chewbacca, please, crying stop."

Wrong I was when I said that nothing more pathetic that a drunk Wookiee there is. Much more pathetic, a crying drunk Wookiee is. Get caller ID I really, really must.