Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Peace and Quiet, All I Want Is
|I think allergic to Kenobi I must be. Whenever around he comes, a headache I get. Hide from him now I must when some peace and quiet I want. Unfortunately, very good at finding me he is. And take a hint, he can not.|
"Master, whatcha doin inside that there kitchen cabinet?"
"Uh... er... inspecting the pots and pans, I am. Close the door now you must, please."
"That looks like fun. Can I do it too?"
"No! I mean, too big you are. Fit in here you would not."
"I betcha I could too fit."
The next thing I knew, being squished between the Teflon non-stick pans and that stack of Tupperware without the lids, I was.
"This ain't as much fun as you said," Kenobi said.
"Said it was fun I did not! Invite you I..."
"Hey!" Harvey the Youngling's voice I hear, "I wanna play!"
"No, Harvey!" I yelled. But too late it was. Before I knew it, up in my face, my foot was. Move, I could not.
"This isn't fun!" Harvey said, "You guys play some weird games, Master Yoda."
"Mmph mmph ummph ummph!" I said.
I think a vacation I need.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Guest Poster - Anakin Skywalker [Topic: Geezer's Nursemaid]
Saturday, January 28, 2006
|Riding the elevator in the Senate building I was today. There, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Amidala, and her handmaidens were too. Suddenly, the cheese someone cut. Pretty bad it smelled.|
To pretend like it didn't happen, the Chancellor and Senator tried. But let this offense go, I could not. Take responsibility, someone had to.
"Chancellor," I said, "like to venture a guess would you..."
"Oh no," he responded, "I shall not be drawn into another game of 'Guess Who Farted' by you, Master Yoda. As I recall, the last time that happened, I was quite unjustly branded the 'Feller' even though I was clearly not the 'Smeller'."
"My fault that was not. Make the rules I do not."
"My understanding is that you did in fact make the rules for 'Guess Who Farted', as you created the game in the first place."
"OK, so make the rules I did. Still, Chancellor, chosen as the 'Feller' fair and sqare, you were. However, this time, make the 'windy' you did not. No, from someone else the toot came."
"I confess," Senator Amidala said, "Like, it was me, alright? I did it. I'm sorry. God. Whatever."
"Wait," one of the handmaidens said as forward she stepped, "Like, I am the real Padmé Amidala. This is my handmaiden. They're like, trained to take the blame for me when this happens. I am the gas passer."
"Like, are you sure?" Said the first one, "I was like so sure it was me."
"I could've sworn it was me," yet another handmaiden said.
I think maybe too close those girls are.
Friday, January 27, 2006
From Big Brother Naboo: Redecorating
|This week on Big Brother Naboo, redecorating our bedrooms our challenge was. So bad that would not be. But Jabafatboy and General Grievous, my roommates are. No sense of style those doofuses have! Very close to having deer antlers and that Wookiees Playing Poker painting hanging on the walls, we had.|
Still, some fun I did have:
"Hey, Grievous, you seen that little Yoda feller?"
Hee hee hee!
See my post here, you can.
Vote on who should be evicted here, you can.
See the other contestants' posts, here you can.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Chewbacca On TV
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Kenobi and Vegetables
|Eat his vegetables, Kenobi will not. Good they are for him, I tell him. But listen, he does not.|
"Kenobi, many starving chldren in the galaxy there are. Love to have your creamed corn, they would."
"Great! Let's box this up and give it to 'em."
"Kenobi, get big and strong in the Force like me how will you if eat your spinach, you do not?"
But on Kenobi, none of this works. Sometimes, required to force-feed him I am.
"Choo choo! Open wide Kenobi! The train here comes! Choo choo!" The train he likes, get as much success from the airplane, I do not.
Sometimes, force him to eat the vegetable I can if take his Cheetos away I threaten. But even then, find his veggies wrapped up in a napkin, I will.
"Wait, Kenobi! Get up from the table do not! Eat your brussel sprouts, did you?"
"See let me. Your mouth open, please. Your tongue move. Kenobi! Swallow the brussel sprouts you did not!"
Expect a little more maturity from a grown man I would. Wait. Kenobi I am talking about. Nevermind.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II
Monday, January 23, 2006
Deathmatch With Dooku
Sunday, January 22, 2006
A Purse It Is
|I think maybe beyond help, Windu is. Trying to make him more macho we are, but working it is not. Some progress we thought we were making, but with a man-purse, Windu walked in today. Already "discussing" it when I came into the room, Windu and Kenobi were.|
"What're ya carryin' there, Mace, a purse?"
"It is not a purse! It is an urban man bag! Can't you tell a purse when you see it?"
"Looks like a purse to me." Kenobi said.
"It is not a purse! It is an urban man-bag!" Windu objected.
"Right Kenobi is, a purse it looks like to me too."
"Well, I'm telling you it is not a purse!"
Kenobi snickered. "Can ya put stuff in it?"
"Yes, of course."
"Do ya put it over your shoulder?"
"Well, then, what part of 'purse' cain't you understand?"
"Very good, Kenobi. Almost sense that made. But right he is, Windu. A purse that is."
"Yeah," Kenobi chuckled, "I think I'll start callin' you Mary from now on."
"IT'S NOT A PURSE! You people really need to open your minds! Lots of men have started wearing urban man bags! It's convenient, it's trendy, and, most of all, it is manly! That's right, I said, 'manly'! Only a real man can walk around carrying one of these bags! It is manly to want a place to carry your important things, like head shine cream, vanity mirrors, and your favorite Beenie Baby! It is manly. It is manlier than manly!"
"Going where are you?"
"I have to get some shoes to match this bag! It clashes with everything I have!"
As see you can, hopeless, Windu is.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Steal My Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby You Must Not
Friday, January 20, 2006
From Big Brother Naboo
|Checked out Big Brother: Naboo lately, have you? Why not? Hmm? Tired of your excuses, I am. But, if a reason to go there you need, below a little sample of it is.|
The Setting - Locked in a house with eleven other contestants for the reality show, Big Brother, I am. Teamed in pairs of two, for our first challenge we were. For our challenge, supposed to cook foods native to their home planet one person was, and supposed to eat it quickly the other person was. Teamed with Jabafatboy, I was. The cooking I would do, and the eating Jabafatboy would do. A disgusting pig he is, as see below you can:
"Here, smell this. Smell fresh to you does it? Maybe a little taste you should have."
"Whoa! A piece just flew up my nose! I'll have ta get it with my tongue."
Check out the blog you must! An opportunity to vote on who gets kicked out of the house, you have!
Click here to read my team mate's (Jabafatboy's) post you can. Then...
Click here to read my post you can. Or...
Click here to read all the contestants' posts you can. And...
Click here to vote you can!
If a Force-wedgie you desire not, check out the blog you will.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
In, the Jedi Master Is
|Some weird ideas, the Chancellor has. To host a new radio call-in show, he wanted me. Called "Ask the Jedi Master" it is. Interested in such foolishness I am not. Advice from a talk show host, only losers seek. Wasted on losers, my wisdom is. Of course, stop me from advising Windu, that does not.|
But strongly, Chancellor Palpatine insisted. "It would make for wonderful public relations for the Jedi and indeed the entire government, if you would share your immense wisdom with the people, Master Yoda. And that, my friend, would go a long way towards convincing me to restore the Jedi Order's cookie budget."
"Ok, twisting my arm you are."
"Yes, I can be very persuasive."
"No, literally I mean. Twisting my arm, you are. Let go now, please."
"Oh, yes, of course. I apologize. I don't know what came over me."
Creepy, that guy is.
Anyway, convinced I was. So tonight my first night was. Like this it went:
Me: "Welcome back. In the Jedi Master is, so our first call let us take. Have to say that everytime do I? Stupid that sounds."
Producer: [in a whisper] "Yes. Don't talk to me. Just take the call."
Me: "Ok, Charlene from Tatooine, our first caller is. Hello caller, there are you?"
Producer: "The button!"
Producer: "Push the button."
Me: "Which button? Too many there are."
Producer: "The one that's flashing!"
Me: "Oh, ok. Got it now, I think. Susan, there are you?"
Charlene: "Hello? Am I on? Hello?"
Me: "Susan, your radio turn down. Hear my own echo, I can."
Charlene: "There. Sorry."
Me: "Help you, how can I, Susan?"
Charlene: "Well, I need to know if my boyfriend is ready to commit."
Me: "Commit a crime, you mean?"
Charlene: "No, I mean commit to me. It's just that he keeps giving me mixed signals, you know? One minute, he's all sweet to me, like letting me drive the car I loaned him and stuff, then the next minute he's setting my trailer on fire. One minute, he's letting me watch what I want to watch on TV during the commercial breaks of the football game, and then the next minute he's making out with my sister. I wish he'd let me know how he really feels. I don't know what to think!"
Me: "Hmm, yes. Right you are. You're main problem, not thinking is. Tell me, first cousins were your parents?"
Charlene: "You know my parents?"
Me: "Charlene, need a man to complete you, you do not."
Me: "Yes. A feeling I have that mess up your own life fine without his help, you could. Next caller. On the line, Kenny from Alderaan is. Go ahead caller. Hello, there are you? Caller?"
Producer: "Push the button!"
Me: "Oh yes. Confusing this is. Old I am. Patient you must be. Caller, there are you?"
Kenny: "I'm here."
Me: "With what can I help you, Kenny?"
Kenny: "Well, I really like this girl in my class, but I don't know how to tell her. I mean I have told her, but I don't know how to do it in a way that will make her feel the same way about me. I mean she's really, really, cool and she makes me feel real happy. I just want her to like me that way, you know?"
Producer: "Wake up! You're on the air for crying out loud!"
Me: "What? Hmm? Awake I am, listening I was."
Kenny: "Master Yoda, I've tried everything to show this girl how much I like her. I've given her roses, read poetry to her, I've even seranaded her outside her bedroom window one night. Unfortunately, she didn't happen to be home that night..."
Me: "Kenny, only go by what my people do to show they like each other, I can. Hopped on one foot in a circle around this girl while whistling, have you?"
Me: "Stood on your hands in front of her while clucking like a chicken, have you?"
Kenny: "Uh, no."
Me: "Then really tried to show your feelings to this girl you have not, have you? Back with me get when serious you are."
Kenny: "Wait, please! Just one more question!"
Kenny: "Do you think it's possible that she doesn't like me back because I'm fat?"
Me: "Probably. Especially if Acne you have too. Next caller. On the line, Patricia from Endor is. Hello Patricia. Hello? Patricia?"
Producer [stomps over to Yoda and presses button in disgust]
Patricia: [in an odd, high-pitched voice] "Hello?"
Me: "Yes, on the air you are. Your problem what is?"
Patricia: "Well, I have this really stupid boss. I mean he's a real jerk."
Me: "MmHmm, more about this boss tell me. A big jerk he is?"
Patricia: "Oh yes. No one likes him. He's so full of himself. He thinks he's the wisest person in the room. But he's just a tiny little weasel. A green weasel. He's just a short little green weasel."
Me: "Young Skywalker! You that is?"
Patricia: "Yo, busted! I mean, uh, [in high-pitched voice] No! My name is Patricia! I don't know any Skywalkers!"
Me: "See through you I can! Young Skywalker you are! A Force-wedgie for this, you will receive!"
[Receiver clicks. Phone hangs up on other end.]
See do you? An utter waste of time this was.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
More Monkey Business and Who the Winner of the "Name That Hutt" Contest Is
|A surprise I got when at the breakfast table I sat this morning. As usual, there with his face in his bowl of Cap'n Typho cereal, Kenobi was. But different he seemed.|
"Kenobi, different you look ... Put my finger on it I can not ...Combed your hair is ...Shiny it looks ...Wait! What it is I know! Clean you look! Spray you with the pressure washer recently and then forget that I did, did I?"
Up from his cereal bowl he looked. From his nose some milk was dripping. That he would use a spoon I really wish. "No. It's that monkey I got yesterday. He spent the whole dang night groomin' me. I knowed them monkeys groom each other, but I didn't know they use combs, hair dryers, and conditioner. That was kinda surprisin'."
"Oh yes, the monkey. Returning it today you are, right?"
"I guess." The cereal bowl he brought up to his mouth and with a loud slurp, he gulped down his milk. But a half-hearted slurp, it was. Tell that still upset he was, I could.
Later, by Kenobi's room I passed. Neat and clean it looked! Shocked I was!
"Kenobi!" I said, "To your room what happened?"
"It's the monkey! He keeps throwin my stuff around!"
"Mean what, do you? In the book case and not the floor, all of your comic books are. In your dresser, all of your socks are. Hanging from the ceiling fan, your underwear is not."
"See! I cain't find nothin now, 'cause I don't know where anything is!"
Just then, into the room, Windu came running. "Obi-wan!" he yelled, "Your stupid monkey keeps throwing his little monkey squeezins all over me! Do you know how hard it is to maintain your prettiness when you've got chimpanzee poop all over you?"
"OK, it that does!" I declared.
"I know. I know," Kenobi said, "I gotta take the monkey back."
"No!" I said, "Going to keep the monkey you are!" Say what, can I? Be all bad, something that does that to Windu, can not!
A Winner We Have!
A winner in the Name That Hutt contest we have! Deshanna the winner is. "Skeeter the Hutt" her entry was.
A blog called "The Calm Eye of the Insanity Tornado" she has. Check it out you might. An "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me, she will get. Also, a Gmail invitation she will receive. Congratulations, Deshanna! And like to thank everyone who participated, Jabafatboy and I would.
So now, my pleasure to introduce to you it is...
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
A Request From Kenobi
|Something to disuss with me today, Kenobi had.|
"Uh, master? I got a problem."
"What it is, Kenobi? Get the Crayons stuck up your nose again, did you?"
"No, no. It ain't nothin like that. I ain't got no Crayons stuck up my... Well, to be honest, I do, but that ain't what I came to talk to you about."
"Told you before I have, actual monkeys, your 'Sea Monkeys' are not. Put bananas in the tank you must not."
"Are you sure about that? I mean, uh, no, that ain't it either."
"Well, then, what it is, Kenobi?"
"Can I have a pet Chimpanzee? Please? I'll take real good care of it, I promise!"
"Kenobi, take proper care of your Sea Monkeys you can not. No way there is that take care of a real monkey you could."
"Aw come on! Please!"
"No! End up feeding it and cleaning up after it I would. Absolutely not."
"What it is, Kenobi?"
"I kinda already got myself one."
"It just followed me home, I swear! Can I keep it, please?"
"From where, did it follow you?"
"From the pet store."
"Hm hmm, what I thought that was. Going to return that monkey tomorrow you are."
"Oh, you never let me do nothin!"
Already a monkey he is. Going to take care of two of them I will not!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Yard Sale at the Jedi Temple
|This weekend, a yard sale at the Temple we held. All kinds of doofuses, a yard sale will bring out.|
"Do you have any baby clothes besides the Jedi robes?"
"Baby clothes those are not! My robes those are!"
Some of his old Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts, Kenobi was trying to sell. But the same question, customers kept asking. "What is this stain/smell? I've never seen/smelled that color/odor before."
And always to haggle, customers want. "I'll give you two credits for that whole box of used robotic limbs."
A hard time selling his things, Windu was having. Never seen so many Village People 8-trak cassettes I have. And two whole tables for his My Little Pony collectibles, he needed.
Upset, Young Skywalker got when by the yard sale he stopped. An old teddy bear he picked up. "Yo, this is whack, G! What you doin' puttin' Mr. Snuggles out here, yo? This here my bear! Ain't nobody buyin' him!"
"Young Skywalker, too old for Mr. Snuggles you are. Time to move on it is."
"What?! My G.I. Jango action figures?! You tryin to sell my G.I. Jango action figures?! This ain't gonna play, yo!"
"Play with them anymore you do not! Collecting dust in the attic they are!"
"I just ain't seen 'em in a while! Besides, they all collectibizzles and spit."
"But missing arms and legs many of them are!"
"Oh, it's like that now, huh? You just throw someone out 'cause they ain't got they arms or legs? I ain't got my arm, yo! Why ain't you put one of them pieces of tape with the prices on my head and try to sell me?"
"Crossed my mind, the thought has."
"Fine! You go ahead and be like 'at! You know what you problem is? You all insensitizzle, G. I oughts to lay the smack-down on you and spit! Don't think I cain't do it, either! Cause I'm the Chosen One, yo! Ain't no one badder than me! I'm one bad, manly mammer jammer, yo! ...Come on, Mr. Snuggles. We outta here." Two boxes of his old things he carted up to his room. Talking to Mr. Snuggles the whole time he was, "Don't worry, Mr. Snuggles. I won't let nobody do nothin like 'at to you again!"
Six hours later, sold most of our things we had. Two days, getting ready for this we had spent. 52 items we had laid out. At least an hour breaking down the tables and cleaning up we spent. Finally, ready to count all the money we had made, we were. So the box I opened and the money I counted. 12 and a half credits we made. Almost .10 an hour that turns out to be. I think go have a good cry now, I will.
By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Why Eat An El Beefo Grande Burrito Before Bed You Should Not
|Movie night it was last night. Kenobi's turn to pick the movie it was. King Kong he chose. A surprise this was not. Any movies with monkeys he likes.|
Ok the movie was, except three hours long it was. Had been a problem this would not, but a Jumbo Slurp soda from the concession stand I had bought. A long time to hold my bladder that was! When over the movie was, knock over some people I had to so that get to the men's room I could. Then a long line in the restroom, there was. I knew that if to wait I was forced, be able to make it I would not. So the Jedi Mind Trick I used on the men ahead of me. "Need to be here you do not. No shame in wetting your pants there is."
Anyway, after the movie, hungry we were. So to Taco Hut we went. The El Beefo Grande Burrito I had. A mistake that was. Have that kind of food so close to bed time I should not.
A disturbing dream I had. Describe it to you I can not. Only show it to you I can.
[Scroll down you must]
Almost afraid to close my eyes I am now.
By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
A Powerful Enemy
Friday, January 13, 2006
Big Brother: Naboo
|On yet another reality show I am. Suprisingly easy to get on these things it is. Anyway read all about it at the Big Brother Naboo blog, you can.|
Here, an excerpt from my first post is:
No wonder, like to talk about that branch of the family Jabba the Hutt does not. But there, standing in his Jabba Skynyrd T-shirt which was seven sizes too small for him he was. [Note to overweight people: If an "outie" belly-button you have, wear tight shirts do not!]
Then, worse it got. Since the last one to arrive I was, stuck rooming with Jabafatboy, I was! Learned more than I want to know about him already, I have. To gargle with baking soda a full-hour before going to sleep he has to. 'Wards off the throat boogers' he says. Be so bad that would not if sang All My Exes Live In Texas over and over again while gargling he is, he did not! And started on the snoring do not get me! Work on a Hutt, those nasal strips do not! Heard quieter leaf blowers, I have.
Read the rest here, you can.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
|Questions you have. Answers I have.|
From Your Comments
Wedge Antilles - Mr. Yoda, if you think Ms. Yaddle is too young at 477, what should we think of your feelings toward Dolly, who has not even over 100?
Answer - 825 years old in dog years, Ms Parton is. So OK with that I am.
RedHeadWithBedHead - What is Chewbaca's favorite food?
Answer - Wet or dry food you speak of? Wet from a can his favorite is, but only eat the Lamb and Rice Mighty Wookie he will. Unfortunately, "The Runs" it gives him. So mostly Wookiee Chow specially formulated for adult Wookiees I feed him. Also partial to Kibble he is.
Lt. Cmdr Oneida - Do you ever wear socks?
Answer - Socks I use to wear. Unfortunately, too busy to keep my toenails clipped, I am. So holes my socks kept getting. Besides, bad for my corns, most socks are. That's why orthopedic sandals I wear now.
From Your Emails
Marc H. writes
If you are almost 900 years old, then how old is your mom?
Your Faithful Padawan
Obi "I Already Won" Kenobi
Keeper of the Peace in Washington NJ"
Know the answer to this, no one does. Never her age she tells. If the question you ask, always "390 and holding" she says. Then smack you with her purse, she will.
If questions for me you have, leave them in the comments to this post or email you can.
By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or yesterday's post on this blog, you can.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Deathmatch With Dooku/ Name That Hutt Contest
|Forget to check out the "Name That Hutt" contest at the bottom of this post do not!|
Finally, come to this point we had. There we were, me and Dooku, Dooku and me. Ready to fight to the death, we were.
A long time coming this had been. But very busy we are and scheduling conflicts we always have. Besides, even when schedule these fights we do, Dooku always forgets. One of those day-timers I got him, but never he uses it! See how evil he is, do you?
But anyway, where I was? Oh yes, there we were, ready to fight it out, we were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us would. Two giants in the Force, about to have an epic battle we were. Master against master, Sith against Jedi, Dark Side against... um, whatever the other side of the Force is called.
Force lightning, Dooku threw at me. With my bare hands I blocked it. Back at him I threw it. At the last moment he ducked.
"Now see here, Old Boy!" he said as his hair he straightened up, "I distinctly remember we agreed not to aim at the face! I do have an appearance to keep up, you know."
"Matter your appearance will not, if dead you are!" At that moment, in the air I leaped at him as my lightsaber I ignited.
By igniting his lightsaber, Dooku responed. About to clash blades we were when suddenly, knocked to the ground Dooku was. But knocked him down I had not. Around his neck something was.
"Mommy! Fight my own battles I can! Humiliating this is!"
Beating Dooku with her purse, my mother was. "Going to wave one of those glow thingies at my son, no one is!" Now kicking him, she was.
"So, Yoda, ouch you need your mother to ouch! fight your battles for you, now, hmm?" Dooku said in between blows, "I say, madame, please watch the face, won't you? Ow!"
"Have more than your face to worry about you will if stop messing with my son you do not, Sucker!" Tough, my mom is.
Then, with the Force, against the wall Dooku threw my mom!
"Mommy!" I yelled as over to her I ran. Open her eyes were not! "Mommy, to me speak, please!"
Still quiet she was. Moving she was not! To cry, I started. "No, Mommy, leave me do not! Please!"
But then, her eyes opened and up at me she looked. "Yoda? The matter what is? Crying why are you?"
Her I hugged. "Oh, Mommy! So happy I am that alive you are! OK are you?"
"Yes, Ok I am. Just a little winded I am." Then at me she looked. "Love me, you do, don't you?"
"Yes, Mommy. You I love. Always I will." Then to look at Dooku I turned, "Pay for this, he will!"
But already running to his speeder he was. Too late to get him it was.
Waving her fist at him, my mom started. "Right that is, Sucker! Run! A coward you are! Want any more of this you do not, hmm?"
A few hours later, time for my mother to leave and go back home to her retirement community, it was. To see her off, all the Jedi gathered. Sad to see her go, they were too.
"Bye, Gramma," Harvey the Youngling, one of her 'adopted grandyounglings' said, "You're not going to pinch my cheeks, are you?"
"No, but kiss them I will! Come, give you a kiss goodbye let me!"
"Ewww!" he said, "Icky! I hate kisses!"
The rest of us she hugged, and before it I knew, off she was. Like only a short time she was here, it seemed. Miss her I will. sniff
Ok, if any sweeter this post gets, have to bring out the Olsen twins, we will. And that, no one wants. Hopefully, thrown up yet you have not. So something totally weird, let's do:
NAME THAT HUTT CONTEST
brought to you by Jabafatboy and Master Yoda's Blog
A name this Hutt needs. Has one he does not. If a good name you can think of, leave it in the comments to this post, leave it in the comments to a parallel post on Jabafatboy's blog, or email either of us, you can (Found in the right side-bar, my email address is. Found in his Blogger profile, Jabafatboy's is.). If you want, include a personality or background, you can. Required that is not, though.
Out of those submissions, the best name we will choose. The person who first thought of that name, the winner will be. If you that person is, receive an "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me as well as a Gmail invitation, you will. One week to do this, you have. Announce the winner in one week we will.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Getting Out of Hand This Is
|A special meeting with the Chancellor, the Jedi Council had today. In the Council Chamber discussing very important matters we were. Vital matters about the war we were discussing.|
"So, Chancellor, as see you can, move at least three destroyers and five garrisons of clones to the Alderaan system to defend it, we must."
"Yes," Chancellor Palpatine agreed, "I can see why you are so respected as a tactician, Master Yo-"
"Yoo-hoo!" A voice from the door came. Around to look everyone turned.
"Mommy! Just walk in to a Council Meeting you can not! Chancellor, sorry I am. My mother this is. Just leaving she is."
"Oh, nonsense," the Chancellor said, "I would love to meet your mother."
"Oh, want to interrupt you boys and your little meeting I do not. Just to give Yoda his sweater I wanted. In his room he left it, but cold it is. I thought that need it he would."
"Mommy! Need my sweater I do not..."
"Argue with me do not! Have you catching cold I will not! Here, this put on."
"On your face what is? Wipe that off let me. Here, in this tissue spit."
"Mommy! Embarrassing me you are."
Snickering, the other Jedi Masters started.
"So, madame," the Chancellor said, "please, tell us what Master Yoda was like when he was a youngling."
"Pictures I have! Like to see them, would you?"
"Mommy, want to see a bunch of pictures they do not."
"Nonsense!" the Chancellor said, "Of course, we'd love to see some of your mother's charming pictures of you."
Please, shoot me now, somebody must.
Very excited, my mom got. "Here we go. My favorite one this is."
"So cute he was!" she gushed, "Know what happened to him, I do not. See what a cute tushy he had, do you, Chancellor?"
"Yes," the Chancellor said, "he was cute indeed. You know, I had the... uh... experience of witnessing your son's 'tushy' just the other day."
Getting more humiliating by the minute, this was. "Uh yes, heh heh, sorry about that I am, Chancellor."
Chuckling now, the other Jedi Masters were. But stop, my mom would not!
"Oh, several other pictures I have. Here, one of him in the bathtub is. Here, running through the house naked he is."
"Mommy! Have any baby pictures of me do you where naked I was not?"
"Oh, naked in all the pictures you are. Like to wear clothes you did not! Always taking them off and running around all over the neighborhood you were!"
To laugh hysterically, this caused the other Jedi Masters. To crawl somewhere and hide I want. Getting out-of-hand this is.
Monday, January 09, 2006
A Visit From Mommy - Part II
|Still visiting here at the Temple, my mom is. Unfortunately, begun spoiling some of the Jedi she has. Very frustrating this is. But she says if give her grandyounglings her 'uncaring son' will not, have to get grandyounglings of her own, she will.|
For instance, a whole batch of cookies for Kenobi she had baked.
Drooling all over himself, he was. "Chunky Cheeto Chip! Muh favorite!"
"Mommy!" I protested, "Trying to get him to lose weight, we are! No good for him, those are!"
"Oh, nonsense," she said as off she waved me, "a growing boy he is."
"Thirty-seven years old he is! In the middle, the only growing he does now is!"
Giving money to Young Skywalker, I caught her.
"Here, some fun with your friends have."
"Yo, thanks Mama Y!" Young Skywalker said, "You da bomb!"
"Mommy! Give him money do not!" I said, "Always money he borrows. The money he wastes, and never he gives it back!"
"Be silly do not!" she said, "A fuddy-duddy you are! Young he is. His wild oats he needs to sow."
"Yeah, Yodes," Young Skywalker chimed in, "you a fudd... uh... fud... what she said! Why you gots to be hatin' all the time?"
"Yes," my mom agreed, "Be hating you should not! Hee hee! The way young people talk nowadays! So funny it is!"
"Well I gotta blaze, or else I'll be late for the bus and spit."
"What?" my mom said, "Catch the bus you must not! Do, that will not! A perfectly good airspeeder Yoda has. Take it you must."
"What?!!" To choke on my own spittle I started.
"Yo, you fly, Mama Y!"
"Hee hee! 'Fly' I am. Hee hee!"
Going to go crazy I am.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
A Visit From Mommy
Saturday, January 07, 2006
One of Those Dreams
|One of those dreams I had. The kind you know - where naked you show up to work.|
There walking through the Temple I was, when staring at me all of these Jedi were. Then, by me, a crowd of tourists visiting the Temple walked. Pointing at me, one of the tourist's Youglings was. Their hands over their Younglings' eyes, the parents put.
So down at myself I looked. Naked I was! In a panic, I was. Running around looking for a place to hide, I was. Finally, to me it occured that a dream I was having.
So proudly down the hallway I strutted. At the end, the Chancellor and a large group of Senators were.
"Ah, Master Yoda," the Chancellor said then around to face me he turned, "What in the world - ?"
"Hello, Chancellor," I said, "what I think of you and your policies, this is." Around I turned and my tushy I showed him.
Heard from the other Senators, large gasps could be.
Then into the Council chamber I walked and my seat I took.
"You do know that you're not wearing any clothes, don't you?"
"Hmm, yes. But worry not. Just dreaming I am."
"Yoda, you're not dreaming, man. You're really naked."
"Wait, dreaming I am not?"
"I am pretty sure."
Sure I had to be. So Windu I pinched.
"OW! Hey, that is going to leave a mark on my beautiful skin!"
Oh, Wookiee snot! In deep doo-doo I am.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Previously on Master Yoda's Blog
|Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...|
"So, come to this, it had. Inevitable it was. On the Jerry Springer Show, Dooku and I were. Ready to throw down we were."
"Faster Kenobi, faster."
"Here no Jedi is," in Huttese, Jabba said, "Looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi you are? Hanging out he is with my loser redneck brother, Bubba the Hutt:"
"I knew that happen this would! Enjoy doing the doggy paddle in the toilet, I do not!"
"Bugs, noooo!!! Done such a horrible thing to my cute little stuffed Bugs Bunny, who could have?"
Read all of these posts here you can. (Scroll to the bottom of that page and work your way up you should).
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Guest Poster - Padme Amidala [Topic: This Bird Flu Thingy]
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Attention All Jedi
Attention all Jedi: If like this you see me, disturb me not! Very messy it can be if startled I am while in this, um, condition, I am. Messy for me it can be, and messy for you it can be.
Want a repeat of this morning's "incident" we do not. Still taking care of the mess, the cleaning staff is. And open until permission from the Health Department we receive, that particular facility will not be. Also, taken from the wages of the Jedi who disturbed me, the cost of my new robes will be.
So disturb me not when this way you see me. If invading Coruscant, an army of droids is, just have to wait until finished I am, it will. All I have to say about that, this is. And speak of this never again, we shall.
To promote Professor Xavier's blog yesterday I tried, but the wrong link my Stupid Intern put up! Beat him harder I must. So here the link is.
Speaking of mistakes by my Stupid Intern, fixed the misspelling on the new design in my online T-shirt store has been.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Apparently, happy with my proficient use of the Force-wedgie, the Senate is not. Yes, sometimes off my aim is. Yes, sometimes accidentally give Force-wedgies to "innocent" bystanders, I will. But done this only a few times I have - like to a few tourists, some elderly people in the park, several Girl Scouts, and that entire Trekkie convention, but the only times, those were! And yes, maybe caused a few air speeder accidents, this has, but suffered no permanent injury, anyone has!
At first, to forbid me from performing Force-wedgies, the Senate tried. So, to demonstrate the Force-wedgie on each and every Senator who for this silly resolution voted, I "offered". More reasonable after that they became. A compromise we reached. Signs with the above symbol in the Temple and in a 14-block radius around the Temple they put up. For the benefit of the tourists, this is.
But to wear a shirt with this sign they wanted me! Hmph! Do that I will not. But a good idea this gave me. Add this to my online T-shirt store, I made the Younglings who in the attic work, as my T-shirts they make. The entire design this is:
Own a shirt with this design you must! Get this at my online T-shirt store you can. An important cause you will support if shirts from my store you buy. To the Tiny Green Jedi Whose Names Rhyme With Soda Retirement Fund all the profits go. Also, told the Younglings I have that if enough T-shirts we sell, afford to put a heater in the attic, we can. So go there now, you must.
Checked out Professor Xavier's blog have you? The man with the Big Brainy Machine in X-Men who oddly like Captain Picard looks, Professor Xavier is. Staging The Amazing Mutant Race, he is. A contestant on it, I am. Check it out you should.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
|At the breakfast table, Kenobi and I were. Discussing the contents of this morning's paper we were.|
"See, Kenobi, lazy Beetle is. And mad that makes Sarge. So feel the urge to beat Beetle up, that makes him."
"I still don't get it."
Just then, in Windu runs. "Have you people seen my scalp shining cream?"
"Look like what, does it?"
"Very funny. You people are always laughing at my pain! How about a little empathy? A little understanding? Don't you people care about my feelings? Can't you find it in your hearts to show me a little fellow-feeling? A little kindness? Would a simple hug kill you once in a while? Can't you take two minutes to look at me and say, 'Hey, Mace. You're looking especially shiny today. How do you feel?'... Well can't you? Can't you?!"
To me Kenobi turned, "So now this Beetle feller is lazy..."
"Didn't you hear a word I said?!" Windu cried.
"Hmm, yes. What you said, we heard," I assured him, "Feeling shiny you are, but in pain from laughing so hard you are. Yes."
"That is not what I said!"
"So many words!" Kenobi said, "How's anybody supposed to pay attention when you keep talkin' so much?! I mean, take a breath once in a while, or somethin'!"
Indignant, Windu became. "Well, excuse me for sharing my feelings! Excuse me for being human! Excuse me for wanting to communicate with my Jedi brothers! Excuse me for baring a little bit of my soul and making myself vulnerable to you people! Excuse me for..."
"More words!" Kenobi said, "If I hear any more I'm gonna go crazy!"
"Fine!" Up, Windu threw his hands, "I can't talk to you people."
"Coulda fooled me." Kenobi said.
"That's it! I'm leaving! I'm not putting up with this!"
Off, Windu stomped. "Whatever! I am so mad!"
"I can still hear ya."
If mad Windu thinks he is now, wait until he finds out I used his scalp cream to wax my speader, he should.