Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II

Ready to finish this, once and for all, Dooku and I were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us was. Below, a transcript of our fight is.

Al: Hello, and welcome to this edition of Jedi Sumo. I'm your host, Al Michaels and joining me in the booth is John Madden. John, the crowd is literally buzzing tonight with anticipation of seeing these two titans of the Force face each other.

John: Yeah, I tell ya, Al, I haven't see a crowd this buzzed since my sister's kid's wedding reception. Boy, they were sauced, let me tell ya.

Al: Uh, yeah. Well, surely you'd agree this crowd is excited at the prospect of seeing these two combatants take to the ring tonight.

John: Sure, and who wouldn't be excited to see these two guys, Doodoo and Yoga, goin' at it? I mean this is gonna be one heckuva fight, let me tell ya. I tell ya, I was so excited tonight, I almost forgot to eat my second helping of dessert! I can't wait to see these guys really hammer each other.

Al: Well, it looks like you will get your chance, John. Yoda and Dooku have taken their positions in the ring. They each have their thumbs in their ears and are waving their hands as they stick their tongues out in each other's direction. That is the traditional Jedi Sumo Salute which begins every match.

John: Boy, that was some raspberry that little Toga fella launched at Doodoo. It looks like Doodoo's wiping the spit out of his eye. I gotta tell ya, Al, I don't think Toga has got much of a chance here. That Doodoo fella has gotta outweigh him by at least 150 pounds. I just don't see him beatin' that.

Al: I'm going to have to disagree with you on that point, John. As Yoda said in one of his locker room interviews, "Size matters not". We'll see if that holds true tonight. Oh, it looks like they may be getting ready to make their moves.

Yoda: Ready to die tonight, are you, Dooku?

Count Dooku: I say, old boy, I don't see how you can possibly manage without your mother here to fight this battle for you.

John: Ooh, that had to hurt.

Al: Yes, John. As you know, this is an important part of the traditional Jedi Sumo match, known as "Taw-keen Smakk". It looks like the first point goes to Dooku in this instance. Yoda's going to have to come up with a good line to recover from that one.

Count Dooku: I trust we can be gentlemen about this and agree to avoid any direct blows to the face. I do have appearances to keep up, you know.

Yoda: Worry about me messing up your face you should not. Like someone beat me to it, it looks.

Count Dooku: I say, there's no need to be unkind.

John and Al: OH!!!!!

John: Yoga got him good with that one, Al.

Al: Yes, and I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that Dooku left himself wide open with that "Don't hit me in the face" request. He literally handed Yoda the opening he needed. And then he followed it up with that feeble reply about being unkind.

John: Yeah, I gotta tell ya, that was a pretty lame comeback if I ever heard one. That Count Cuckoo fella really needs to work on his technique. But I think where he's really gonna come out strong is the next part when they try to bump each other outta the ring. We're really gonna see some action then.

Al: Well, they're lining up and facing each other. It looks like we're going to see that action you were talking about. Wait! What's this? Dooku is attempting to throw Force lightning at Yoda... Yoda catches the Force lightning and throws it back at Dooku's feet, forcing him to jump up and down.

Yoda: Dance, Sith boy, dance! Hee hee hee! Kick your feet higher you must! Yes, it that is! Hee hee hee!

John: That little Yoga fella sure has a funny laugh. Say, Al, is that lightnin' stuff legal?

Al: John, as you know, there are almost no rules in Jedi Sumo. That's what makes it one of the deadliest forms of combat out there. Perhaps the only rule that has lasted down through the centuries in this time-honored martial art is that only one person comes out alive. You know, an interesting bit of trivia about the history Jedi Sumo is that originally, before the inflatable suits were invented, the combatants would fight in suits filled with live Ewoks.

John: That musta been before they invented air.

Al: Uh, yeah. Anyway, the combatants are taking their positions again. It looks like they are finally going to start bumping against each other with their Sumo suits. Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Yoda is waddling towards Dooku... Yoda walks right under Dooku's legs. It seems there was some miscalculation on either Dooku's or Yoda's part there... It looks like they're about to try it again... Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Wait! Yoda is off the ground... he's using the Force to propel himself into the air... It looks like Yoda is going to bump Dooku in mid-air... And they collide!

John: OH!!! They're both down! Did you see the distance they flew after that bump, Al? Both of those guys, Yogurt and Cuckoo, really got knocked down pretty bad.

Al: And it looks like those Sumo suits are making it hard for them to get back on their feet. Both of them are having a hard time getting back up, John. Yoda especially keeps rocking back and forth, trying to get himself back up. Rocking, rocking, rocking...

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzz

Al: What's this? Yoda has rocked himself to sleep, John! This is incredible!

John: Yeah, and it looks like that Doodoo fella is gettin' up, now!

Al: Will Dooku take advantage of this situation to gain the upper hand? No! It looks like Dooku is running away! Dooku is running away, apparently too afraid to finish the fight.

John: Man, he always does that!

Al: Well, it appears this fight will remain unfinished tonight. Frank Gifford is down at the ring now. Let's get Yoda's reaction to all of this.

Frank: Yoda, what's your reaction to Dooku running off without finishing the fight?

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzzzz

So humiliating this was. Next time, just smite him down with my lightsaber, I will. Easier that will be and fall asleep I will not.


Comments on "Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II"


Anonymous medrewnotyou said ... (1:12 AM) : 

Amazing! Have you considered making a video game out of this? I'm not a sports fan, but I would buy John Madden's Jedi Sumo '07.


Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said ... (1:20 AM) : 

Wow, you made him run off in your sleep, impressive.

I was going to take my clones over to the Starbucks next to McDooku's. Geez those places are everywhere. Do you want anything? A cup of coffee perhaps?


Blogger Jaina Solo said ... (8:15 AM) : 

*Sings gently*
Rock-a-by-Yoda in the wrestling ring,
When Yoda sleeps, Dooku will win.
When Yoda wakes, Dooku will run.
And we will all cheer because it is fun!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (8:45 AM) : 

Yogert !! did he call him Yogert !!

Well I always new the little guy was curddled.



Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (8:59 AM) : 

Hey, when Dorku ran away, didn't he leave the ring? Wouldn't that give Yoda the victory?

And I used to like John's Jedi Sumo commentary years ago. It sounds like he's lost it lately.


Blogger Son Goku said ... (9:34 AM) : 

Hehehehe Count Cuckoo


Blogger Wedge Antillies said ... (10:22 AM) : 


"Taw-keen Smakk" very funny.

Thank you for showing us that, Mr. Yoda. We do not pick up ESPN26 out here.


Blogger JawaJuice said ... (10:31 AM) : 

great post!
Very funny.


Blogger Count Dooku said ... (10:32 AM) : 

For the record, I was not running away, I was distancing myself from his incessant snoring. It had become so loud and grating that I was developing one of my horrendous migraines.
Another day and time, ol chap…another day…


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:37 AM) : 


too funny


Anonymous Padawan Patty said ... (10:49 AM) : 

"Two green thumbs up".


Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said ... (3:38 PM) : 

A force wedgie would have been effective.


Blogger Professor Xavier said ... (3:47 PM) : 

Next time, bring a hat pin. That will take the wind out of his sails, or at least the air out of his fat suit.


Blogger Eli said ... (7:55 PM) : 

omy lord. i hiy my head on the screen laughing! Yoda,you and enriquo polini (rat race) should talk some time..


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