Family in Crisis

Recently, on the Dr. Phil TV show we went, Windu, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, and me. Windu says "issues" we have. "Function properly as a family unit" we do not, he says. A bunch of bull doo-doo that is. But go on the Dr. Phil show he made us, anyway. Agree to this I did because maybe shut him up it would, I thought. Tired of his nagging we all are. Below, a transcript of our segment is. DR PHIL: Welcome back. Today, we're talking with dysfunctional families to see if I can solve their problems in a space of 10 to 15 minutes. With me now are Yoda, Mace, Anakin, and Rubicon. OBI-WAN: That's Obi-Wan, Dr. Phil. DR PHIL: Please don't correct me. OBI-WAN: Sorry. DR PHIL: Now Yoda, you feel like your fellow Jedi look down on you, is that right? YODA: No, the problem that is! Look down they do not! Over me they trip! DR PHIL: What do you have to say about that, Mace? MACE: I admit I've done some tripping, but that's not the main problem, Dr Phil. DR PHIL: What do you think the main problem is? MACE: No one listens to me. I don't feel acknowledged, or appreciated. I mean, what about my needs? YODA: Oh, brother. OBI-WAN: Here we go again. DR PHIL: Now hold on, Rubicon. I'll get to you in a minute. Mace, what do you feel you need from your fellow Jedi? YODA: A good butt-whooping. MACE: I need to be acknowledged as a fellow human being, Dr Phil. I mean, like when I go through the trouble to polish my head so that it's nice and shiny. Just once, I'd like to hear, "Hey, nice head shine!" It's just...just...[starts to cry] DR PHIL hands MACE a box of tissue. OBI-WAN: I can't believe this. You're such a girlie-man. MACE: Shut up, Obi-Wan! Real men cry! You'd know that if you came with me to one of my Promise Keepers meetings! YODA: True it is, Windu. A girlie-man you are. A drama queen too. Maybe compliment your shiny head more we would, if nagging you would stop. DR PHIL: [to YODA] Now, I've heard about enough from you. I see now that a large part of this family's problem lies with you. You might think you have everyone else here fooled, but you don't fool me. I might seem like I'm some dumb country boy to you, but you can't play your little mind games with me. YODA: [waves hand] Right about everything, Yoda is. DR PHIL: Yoda's right about everything. MACE: Yoda! Stop that! YODA: The one who started it, he is. MACE: Just, stop it! We came here to get help, and all you want to do is play the Jedi Mind Trick on people. Typical, just typical. YODA: [to Dr PHIL. waving hand] Get off Yoda's back, Windu should. DR PHIL: Windu, you need to... MACE: Yoda, I said stop it! Dr. Phil, don't you see what I have to put up with? No one here takes anything seriously. They don't take me seriously, and that hurts. DR PHIL: I have to say I agree with you. What we have here is a family in crisis, and I don't see any of you taking this seriously. [farting noise] YODA: Hee hee. Much gas I sense in you, Young Skywalker. ANAKIN: [laughing] It ain't me, yo! [MACE throws hands up] DR PHIL: That brings me to you, Anakin. I want to focus on you, because as the young person here, you're the real victim. ANAKIN: Word. DR PHIL: But as a young man, you need to own some of this yourself. I mean some of your behavior has just been unacceptable and you need to stop it. And I mean, stop it right now. ANAKIN: I think everyone just needs to chill, yo. I mean, they all up in my face. They need to step off! DR PHIL: Ok, first of all, you do know that you are white, right? MACE: Yes! Thank you! ANAKIN: Yo, why's everyone hatin' on me all the sudden? DR PHIL: You say everyone's 'hating' on you, but you were the one who told our producers before the show that [reads from list]: You're a better Jedi than anyone of these guys. You think you could take any one of them, and you'd like to prove it. Isn't that right? ANAKIN: I never said that... DR PHIL: I have it on tape, do you want us to play it? ANAKIN: Well, ok, maybe I did say that, but... DR PHIL: Here's the thing, you need to get a hold of yourself. All this stayin' out late without telling anybody where you are, disobeying Rubicon here, hanging out with this Palpatine character when you're supposed to be doing your homework - it needs to stop. You're out of control. And if you don't gain control of yourself, you're going to spiral down so far you won't be able to get back up. I see this getting out of hand, so that you do something really, really stupid. [ANAKIN stands up and draws his lightsaber] OBI-WAN: Anakin, no! ANAKIN: Just his hands, Master! Just let me chop off his hands! OBI-WAN: No, Anakin. Sit down! ANAKIN: Just one hand, then! Ok, a finger! Come on, just one finger! OBI-WAN: I said sit down! ANAKIN: You never let me do anything! YODA: Yes, Young Skywalker. Sit down, you should. Jerry Springer this is not. DR PHIL: Okay....It's time for a commercial break. When we come back, my next guest says her four-year-old daughter is wanted for several felonies in six different states, and she doesn't know what to do about it. I'm going to try to help her when we come back. As see you can, a big waste of time this was. When this will be on the air, we asked the studio people. But, use it they probably will not, they said. I think maybe gone on the Jerry Springer show we should have.