Thursday, May 26, 2005

Family in Crisis

Recently, on the Dr. Phil TV show we went, Windu, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, and me. Windu says "issues" we have. "Function properly as a family unit" we do not, he says. A bunch of bull doo-doo that is. But go on the Dr. Phil show he made us, anyway. Agree to this I did because maybe shut him up it would, I thought. Tired of his nagging we all are. Below, a transcript of our segment is.

DR PHIL: Welcome back. Today, we're talking with dysfunctional families to see if I can solve their problems in a space of 10 to 15 minutes. With me now are Yoda, Mace, Anakin, and Rubicon.

OBI-WAN: That's Obi-Wan, Dr. Phil.

DR PHIL: Please don't correct me.

OBI-WAN: Sorry.

DR PHIL: Now Yoda, you feel like your fellow Jedi look down on you, is that right?

YODA: No, the problem that is! Look down they do not! Over me they trip!

DR PHIL: What do you have to say about that, Mace?

MACE: I admit I've done some tripping, but that's not the main problem, Dr Phil.

DR PHIL: What do you think the main problem is?

MACE: No one listens to me. I don't feel acknowledged, or appreciated. I mean, what about my needs?

YODA: Oh, brother.

OBI-WAN: Here we go again.

DR PHIL: Now hold on, Rubicon. I'll get to you in a minute. Mace, what do you feel you need from your fellow Jedi?

YODA: A good butt-whooping.

MACE: I need to be acknowledged as a fellow human being, Dr Phil. I mean, like when I go through the trouble to polish my head so that it's nice and shiny. Just once, I'd like to hear, "Hey, nice head shine!" It's just...just...[starts to cry]

DR PHIL hands MACE a box of tissue.

OBI-WAN: I can't believe this. You're such a girlie-man.

MACE: Shut up, Obi-Wan! Real men cry! You'd know that if you came with me to one of my Promise Keepers meetings!

YODA: True it is, Windu. A girlie-man you are. A drama queen too. Maybe compliment your shiny head more we would, if nagging you would stop.

DR PHIL: [to YODA] Now, I've heard about enough from you. I see now that a large part of this family's problem lies with you. You might think you have everyone else here fooled, but you don't fool me. I might seem like I'm some dumb country boy to you, but you can't play your little mind games with me.

YODA: [waves hand] Right about everything, Yoda is.

DR PHIL: Yoda's right about everything.

MACE: Yoda! Stop that!

YODA: The one who started it, he is.

MACE: Just, stop it! We came here to get help, and all you want to do is play the Jedi Mind Trick on people. Typical, just typical.

YODA: [to Dr PHIL. waving hand] Get off Yoda's back, Windu should.

DR PHIL: Windu, you need to...

MACE: Yoda, I said stop it! Dr. Phil, don't you see what I have to put up with? No one here takes anything seriously. They don't take me seriously, and that hurts.

DR PHIL: I have to say I agree with you. What we have here is a family in crisis, and I don't see any of you taking this seriously.

[farting noise]

YODA: Hee hee. Much gas I sense in you, Young Skywalker.

ANAKIN: [laughing] It ain't me, yo!

[MACE throws hands up]

DR PHIL: That brings me to you, Anakin. I want to focus on you, because as the young person here, you're the real victim.


DR PHIL: But as a young man, you need to own some of this yourself. I mean some of your behavior has just been unacceptable and you need to stop it. And I mean, stop it right now.

ANAKIN: I think everyone just needs to chill, yo. I mean, they all up in my face. They need to step off!

DR PHIL: Ok, first of all, you do know that you are white, right?

MACE: Yes! Thank you!

ANAKIN: Yo, why's everyone hatin' on me all the sudden?

DR PHIL: You say everyone's 'hating' on you, but you were the one who told our producers before the show that [reads from list]: You're a better Jedi than anyone of these guys. You think you could take any one of them, and you'd like to prove it. Isn't that right?

ANAKIN: I never said that...

DR PHIL: I have it on tape, do you want us to play it?

ANAKIN: Well, ok, maybe I did say that, but...

DR PHIL: Here's the thing, you need to get a hold of yourself. All this stayin' out late without telling anybody where you are, disobeying Rubicon here, hanging out with this Palpatine character when you're supposed to be doing your homework - it needs to stop. You're out of control. And if you don't gain control of yourself, you're going to spiral down so far you won't be able to get back up. I see this getting out of hand, so that you do something really, really stupid.

[ANAKIN stands up and draws his lightsaber]

OBI-WAN: Anakin, no!

ANAKIN: Just his hands, Master! Just let me chop off his hands!

OBI-WAN: No, Anakin. Sit down!

ANAKIN: Just one hand, then! Ok, a finger! Come on, just one finger!

OBI-WAN: I said sit down!

ANAKIN: You never let me do anything!

YODA: Yes, Young Skywalker. Sit down, you should. Jerry Springer this is not.

DR PHIL: Okay....It's time for a commercial break. When we come back, my next guest says her four-year-old daughter is wanted for several felonies in six different states, and she doesn't know what to do about it. I'm going to try to help her when we come back.

As see you can, a big waste of time this was. When this will be on the air, we asked the studio people. But, use it they probably will not, they said. I think maybe gone on the Jerry Springer show we should have.

Comments on "Family in Crisis"


Blogger Gina said ... (1:27 AM) : 

Wow. That didn't go well at all. Anakin really must stop talking Ghetto too. What does he think? It makes him cool?


Anonymous WoogieGroupie said ... (2:20 AM) : 

Uhm, someone needs to block the MTV, because Anakin's a little out of control with the Eminem mimicking thing. I think he may be headed down a bad path, that one. And, Yoda, u guys need to lay off Mace. He's a sensitive man of the new age; unlike that cheetos-loving Obi-wan...gross bachelor types are icky.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (4:11 AM) : 

hahahaha, awesome!


Anonymous matt/wheels said ... (6:56 AM) : 

wait a minute. that show did air, ya, dr phil was standing there looking stupid while you were walking robin off stage at the end of the show LOL. i saw you use a jedi mind trick to gribe her back side LOL

can you teach me that trick someday, i seem to get smacked or get dirty looks when u try useing that cerain mind trick.... i must be doing something wrong


Blogger mr. schprock said ... (7:27 AM) : 

My two teenage girls caught that show, so it did air. They think Anakin is "fine." They like his new cornrow look. Be careful — he could become the biggest thing since Vanilla Ice!


Blogger Tanalee said ... (8:42 AM) : 

I was trying to check your blog out and I typed Did you ever see what a load of crap that is!!!! Yoda, yoda man!


Anonymous ewok said ... (9:40 AM) : 

cheetos are good, shiny heads are bad, and little green dudes rock!!


Blogger Cormer'lir said ... (10:08 AM) : 

Points for Anakin. Just one hand off Dr. Phil...just one...


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (10:24 AM) : 

What a load of bunk. That ain't right, that three legged gundark ain't gonna fly.


Anonymous matt said ... (11:09 AM) : 

Rumor has it that Dr. Phil and Count Doku are the same person... look a like they do not, strong is the dark side of the force.

Let Anikin take him out you should have.. then there would only be one Sith left, Oprah.


Blogger Nic said ... (12:15 PM) : 

Master Yoda, I agree with you on Dr. Phil. He is a worthless fat blob who needs to take care of his own family issues before he advises others on theirs. It's a case of the blind leading the blind.

This was a truly inspiring and humorous post. It really brightened my day! :)


Blogger The Pink Kitty said ... (1:13 PM) : 

Master Yoda, I agree with Nic. Perhaps you and Obi-Wan should have let Anakin have a little fun. Although, at the same time I think Anakin needs a good butt kicking.. he's a bit of a punk!

I loved that post though! Purrs


Blogger trinamick said ... (2:11 PM) : 

A big cry-baby Windu is. Get control of himself he must. Maybe a testosterone shot would do the trick.


Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said ... (3:01 PM) : 

Are you all going to do the other talk shows as well?

It might be wise to let Anakin stay at home in future.


Anonymous The Jedi Princess said ... (4:50 PM) : 

Yoda, you really should go on Jerry. I think it'd helped.


Blogger Jen said ... (9:22 PM) : 

Or maybe you can put Kenobi on "What Not to Wear." Not that he's a bad dresser, but it'd get him out of your hair for a while, at least...


Blogger Geewhiz said ... (10:03 PM) : 

Quote: I think maybe gone on the Jerry Springer show we should have.

I wonder what would have happenned if the four of you HAD gone on the Jerry Springer show...


Anonymous The Truffle said ... (12:36 PM) : 

Dear Yoda:

I can't help but notice that yours is a, shall we say, ALTERNATIVE family, with three grown men raising an adolescent boy. I suspect that Anakin needs a mother figure in his life, even more so now that his own mother is gone. All that quality time he spends with Senator Amidala is clearly a way to resolve this conflict within him.

Perhaps a kindly female Jedi could step in? I was going to suggest Aayla Secura, except they're a little too close in age, and you may find yourselves with a bunch of human/Twi'lek hybrids running around before you know it. Shaak Ti is a wise choice. Just a suggestion.


Anonymous Guinastasia said ... (9:33 PM) : 

Yoda, if you need to get Kenobi out of your hair, I'll let him stay with me for a week...

Windu is in Promise Keepers? Dude, that's such a cult!

And yes, Anakin needs to stop talking all getto. He sounds like Vanilla Ice.


Anonymous sir quartus stratus, the brother said ... (11:09 PM) : 

Vanilla Ice... oh the good old days... but that is irrelevant. That whole ghetto/punk dialect of the human language Anakin needs to forfeit. I have a couple or two more things so say before I take to my next campaign:

1) Philly boy needs to burn in... er... I mean, uh, he shouldn't be trying to solve other's lives.

1 1/2) You really should have disciplined Anakin as a child. Undisciplined children always turn out bad

1 3/4) Mace needs to take a reality check, pop a couple of chill pills, and (as aforementioned) take a testosterone shot. Being a sensative man doesn't require being a girlie-man

2) and one final thing, lay off Obi-wan just a tad bit. Just a tad. Give him a couple of tips on organized, tidy, and otherwise respectable living (for I know you hold knowledge on this subject) and maybe that will help.

Well, I'm off to go slay a dragon or two...


Anonymous Guinastasia said ... (11:41 PM) : 

Oh, next time Yoda, you guys should go on The Daily Show.


Blogger The Truffle said ... (10:41 PM) : 

Naaaaaaah. You guys belong on "Total Request Live." Young Skywalker and Obi-Wan would be at home there.


Blogger F0rerunn3r said ... (8:15 AM) : 

I'm going to kick Anakin's virtual ass if he doesn't drop the black stereotype.
But I'll leave it to you, Yoda.


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