Thursday, January 19, 2006

In, the Jedi Master Is

Some weird ideas, the Chancellor has. To host a new radio call-in show, he wanted me. Called "Ask the Jedi Master" it is. Interested in such foolishness I am not. Advice from a talk show host, only losers seek. Wasted on losers, my wisdom is. Of course, stop me from advising Windu, that does not.

But strongly, Chancellor Palpatine insisted. "It would make for wonderful public relations for the Jedi and indeed the entire government, if you would share your immense wisdom with the people, Master Yoda. And that, my friend, would go a long way towards convincing me to restore the Jedi Order's cookie budget."

"Ok, twisting my arm you are."

"Yes, I can be very persuasive."

"No, literally I mean. Twisting my arm, you are. Let go now, please."

"Oh, yes, of course. I apologize. I don't know what came over me."

Creepy, that guy is.

Anyway, convinced I was. So tonight my first night was. Like this it went:

Me: "Welcome back. In the Jedi Master is, so our first call let us take. Have to say that everytime do I? Stupid that sounds."

Producer: [in a whisper] "Yes. Don't talk to me. Just take the call."

Me: "Ok, Charlene from Tatooine, our first caller is. Hello caller, there are you?"

Producer: "The button!"

Me: "What?"

Producer: "Push the button."

Me: "Which button? Too many there are."

Producer: "The one that's flashing!"

Me: "Oh, ok. Got it now, I think. Susan, there are you?"

Charlene: "Hello? Am I on? Hello?"

Me: "Susan, your radio turn down. Hear my own echo, I can."

Charlene: "There. Sorry."

Me: "Help you, how can I, Susan?"

Charlene: "Well, I need to know if my boyfriend is ready to commit."

Me: "Commit a crime, you mean?"

Charlene: "No, I mean commit to me. It's just that he keeps giving me mixed signals, you know? One minute, he's all sweet to me, like letting me drive the car I loaned him and stuff, then the next minute he's setting my trailer on fire. One minute, he's letting me watch what I want to watch on TV during the commercial breaks of the football game, and then the next minute he's making out with my sister. I wish he'd let me know how he really feels. I don't know what to think!"

Me: "Hmm, yes. Right you are. You're main problem, not thinking is. Tell me, first cousins were your parents?"

Charlene: "You know my parents?"

Me: "Charlene, need a man to complete you, you do not."

Charlene: "Really?"

Me: "Yes. A feeling I have that mess up your own life fine without his help, you could. Next caller. On the line, Kenny from Alderaan is. Go ahead caller. Hello, there are you? Caller?"

Producer: "Push the button!"

Me: "Oh yes. Confusing this is. Old I am. Patient you must be. Caller, there are you?"

Kenny: "I'm here."

Me: "With what can I help you, Kenny?"

Kenny: "Well, I really like this girl in my class, but I don't know how to tell her. I mean I have told her, but I don't know how to do it in a way that will make her feel the same way about me. I mean she's really, really, cool and she makes me feel real happy. I just want her to like me that way, you know?"

Me: Zzzzzzz

Producer: "Wake up! You're on the air for crying out loud!"

Me: "What? Hmm? Awake I am, listening I was."

Kenny: "Master Yoda, I've tried everything to show this girl how much I like her. I've given her roses, read poetry to her, I've even seranaded her outside her bedroom window one night. Unfortunately, she didn't happen to be home that night..."

Me: "Kenny, only go by what my people do to show they like each other, I can. Hopped on one foot in a circle around this girl while whistling, have you?"

Kenny: "No."

Me: "Stood on your hands in front of her while clucking like a chicken, have you?"

Kenny: "Uh, no."

Me: "Then really tried to show your feelings to this girl you have not, have you? Back with me get when serious you are."

Kenny: "Wait, please! Just one more question!"

Me: "Ok."

Kenny: "Do you think it's possible that she doesn't like me back because I'm fat?"

Me: "Probably. Especially if Acne you have too. Next caller. On the line, Patricia from Endor is. Hello Patricia. Hello? Patricia?"

Producer [stomps over to Yoda and presses button in disgust]

Patricia: [in an odd, high-pitched voice] "Hello?"

Me: "Yes, on the air you are. Your problem what is?"

Patricia: "Well, I have this really stupid boss. I mean he's a real jerk."

Me: "MmHmm, more about this boss tell me. A big jerk he is?"

Patricia: "Oh yes. No one likes him. He's so full of himself. He thinks he's the wisest person in the room. But he's just a tiny little weasel. A green weasel. He's just a short little green weasel."

Me: "Young Skywalker! You that is?"

Patricia: "Yo, busted! I mean, uh, [in high-pitched voice] No! My name is Patricia! I don't know any Skywalkers!"

Me: "See through you I can! Young Skywalker you are! A Force-wedgie for this, you will receive!"

Patricia Young Skywalker: "YEEEEOWWWW-OWIE-OW-OW!"

[Receiver clicks. Phone hangs up on other end.]

See do you? An utter waste of time this was.

Comments on "In, the Jedi Master Is"


Anonymous MeDrewNotYou said ... (1:38 AM) : 

I have a funny feeling that Charlene is related to me. Am I in for a lifetime of similar situations?


Anonymous Darth PatMatticus said ... (8:54 AM) : 

Like Frasier, you are.


Blogger NandeHi said ... (9:30 AM) : 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Blogger NandeHi said ... (9:32 AM) : 

Maybe that dang monkey should call you for advice. **thought to self-I would have given you wedgie if you wore any underwear!!!****


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (9:57 AM) : 

you should have told them to go bungee jumping with JJ and to forget thier bungee cord
so they could earn the Darwin prize

(then it wouldnt be a waste of time at all... You would be doing the Universe a favor)


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (10:01 AM) : 

I don't want to give away all my trade secrets, but just before my wife and I started dating, I gave her a baddmitton bridie.


Blogger Wedge Antillies said ... (10:29 AM) : 

Mr. Yoda, I am a trans-sexual lesbian nazi who wants to adopt a seventeen-year-old Romanian child, but I am having a little trouble with the adoption people. If I do decide to release one of them and promise not to start any more fires, will they let me bring her into this country?

All of Corsucant wants to know!


Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said ... (11:20 AM) : 

well, it wasn't a complete loss, you did get to force wedgie anakin on the air. Can you imagine the drop in calls from people who know that their question is dumb now that they've heard what you do to people?


Blogger Jaina Solo said ... (2:13 PM) : 

I'd be wary of the Chancellor Master Yoda. He does sound creepy...


Blogger Professor Xavier said ... (2:17 PM) : 

Hopefully they will book into a regular Friday time slot. I can see this show being very successful in syndication. Just imagine the licensing deals.

"Yakking with Yoda."


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:12 PM) : 

Bald ! Gives Advice on the air ! Way too full of himself ! Has Had corrispondance with Oprah !

Sound like anyone else we know ??


Blogger Jaina Solo said ... (3:16 PM) : 

P.S. I got a blog!



Anonymous small business opportunity ideas said ... (4:30 PM) : 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Blogger flu said ... (6:47 PM) : 

what number does one call to reach you for advice?

Uh... someone else... er, wanted to know... not me.


Blogger Chancellor Palpatine said ... (9:50 AM) : 

See Master Yoda, I told you that it would be a good idea to have a talk show. You always give out such great advice!


Anonymous Gooby_8 said ... (10:59 PM) : 

The Gooby is greatly pleased with the success of your blog Master Yoda


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