Tenth Planet In Your Solar System

This story I read in a cyberspace transmission from an entity known as the "Associated Press" (like a crime syndicate, that sounds to me). It says that found a tenth planet in your solar system your scientists have. To much trouble for nothing they went. Told you about this planet, I could have. About this planet, everyone who has traveled to Earth knows. This is because the last rest stop with a restroom before leaving your solar system, it has. Of course, filthy the place is. Always out of those little paper covers which on the toilet seat you lay, it is. Those paper covers I love. (Like to sit my cute little naked tushy where set their big ugly fannies a bunch of other people have, I do not.) Wasted much time tearing off toilet paper and laying it perfectly on top of the toilet seats I have. Also, written on the stall walls, many personal messages are. If a good time you want, call Susie you can. I guess a fun person she is. Maybe a discount to Six Flags, she has. Specific, the note was not, though helpful it was. Apparently, to the bathroom there, many artists go. This I know because of all their drawings on the walls I see. Big fans of anatomy, they are. All bad it is not. A little playground for the younglings it has, and a big yard where walk your wookie you can, there is. Many interesting brochures about interesting tourist attractions around your Solar System the lobby contains. However, since filthy the rest rooms are, stop there I would not, but the next restroom, many lightyears away it is. Anyway, named the planet, your scientists have not. But a name it already has - Bob. Stopped many times, at Planet Bob I have. Because educate you people I must, this list of the planets in your solar system I made: Mercury Venus Earth Mars Jupiter Saturn Uranus Neptune Pluto Bob Make sure to remember this post you should when the next time a Jeopardy contestant you are.

Your Captions

That show, Battlestar Galactica, I watched tonight. Confused it made me. Look so different, why does Lorne Greene? Maybe it is because shaved his beard he has. But Boomer and Starbuck, get sex-change operations, when did they?!! Very confused I am. Anyway, posted the funniest captions you submitted for Tuesday's post, I have. Difficult to choose it was. Very funny, your captions were. Now think you might, "Choose those captions why did he? Funnier this other caption was." Hmph! What know you of funny? For over 800 years, telling jokes I have been. The first one to tell the "Chicken Crossing the Road" joke, who was, do you think? Hmm? Right that is. Me it was. Also, the knock-knock joke I invented. Knock Knock! There, who is? Yoda Lady! Yoda Lady who? Know you could yodel I did not! Hee hee hee hee! *snortle* Hee hee hee hee! Ho.. Hee hee hee hee! *wipes tears from eyes* Hee hee hee hee! *snortle, gack, choke, cough* *Clears throat* Hee hee hee hee! Oh, oh, my sides. Too funny it is. Hee hee! Oh, ow. Anyway, here your captions are: “No, I haven’t seen the movie ConeHeads, Why?” - Brian C. "Hey, I'm a holigram, why am I sitting?" - Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator Springtime in Coruscant means pastels! - Qui-Gon Jinn Sometimes, the Jedi council is visited by Beldar, the friendly ghost. - John "...28, 29, 30! Ready or not, here I come" - Han Solo "Yaddle, come in may I to, OH! Excuse me!" - John, Intergalactic Gladiator "Kenobi, pants put on you must!" - the Jedi Princess "Look at me, do not! My face on, I have not put!" - John Maybe see me, they will not! - Fluke Starbucker Dangit, Mace! This is why we don't have any nice photos. - Han Solo Not only do my eybrows go higher, but I don't have some fingers stickin' out my head... - alasseo "fingers behind the head...very funny Mace. Just wait till you discover where MY fingers are at." - JawaJuice Ever the wiling student, Kenobi learns the little-known "Jedi rabbit trick" - John Mace mocks mullet man. - Qui-Gonn Jinn “Did I leave the iron on?” - Brian C. Don't kill Gungans..don't kill Gungans. - the Jedi Princess A rare moment of Mace looking serious. - Qui-Gonn Jinn I make this robe look good, and my bald head is really shiney today. - Jenn Scarborough "...And, in other news, the Cheetos factory was destroyed in heavy fighting..." - Mui Glé "If I stroke my beard thusly, do I not appear more Jedi-ish?" - John, Intergalactic Gladiator "Wait a second...what's this in my teeth? *smack smack* spinach? No wait...sausage. When did I have sausage? - JawaJuice wow, this thinking stuff hurts - anonymous I'm needin' a cup to spit my chaw. - Qui-Gonn Jinn

Serious Jedi Business

Often, about what goes on in the Jedi Council chambers, people ask me. But highly secretive about that, we must be. Very important business goes on there. Deep, weighty matters we discuss. Too serious for the general public it is. So diplomatic and tactful I try to be with people when this question they ask me. Usually, "None of your business it is! Shoo!" I say. But, because close we are, show you what goes on in the Council chambers I will. Yes, funny-looking you are, but trust you I still can. Just a glimpse I will give you. However, quiet and respectful you must be. Very sacred, this hallowed place is. Very, very serious and solumn, Jedi business is. Ok, come with me now, you can. Down the hall it is. Shhh! A little farther the Council Chamber is. Just a little farther it is. Wait! Go so fast do not! Two stubby little legs I have! Keep up with you I can not! Ok, open the door I will now. Remember, quiet and respectful you must be. Shhhhh.... *Opens door* *Quickly slams door* Uh oh. Er, uh, oh my. That "Barbie Show-and-Tell Day" it is, I forgot. Anyway, a good time to remind you this is that a confidentiality agreement you signed. Go home now and forget what you saw here today you must. **Special thanks to Byron Bay Jedi for the pic.

Master Yaddle's New Hobby

As remember you may, a fellow Jedi Master, Yaddle, I spoke about in a previous post. Today, walking down the hall I was, when opened her bedroom door was, I noticed. Purposely look in, I did not. Nosy I am not! Completely uninterested in what is in her room I am. However, help noticing this through the door I could not: Sure of what this means I am not. Perhaps, as a new hobby, taken up photography she has? Though odd it is that pictures of only one subject she takes. Some cute little squirrels in Coruscant Central Park, I saw today. Maybe suggest she photograph those I will. Also, tell her that get a lamp she should, I will. Difficult to see with only those candles it is. _________ Submitted some captions for the photos in my last post have you? If not, scroll down you should.

Jedi Yearbook Captions: Your Ideas I Need

Getting the annual Jedi Yearbook together we are. Captions for the pictures we need. Some captions I have thought of, but looking for ideas I am. If think of some funny captions for the pictures below you can, email them to me or leave them in the comments you can. Refer to the picture number you must. Use the funniest ones in Friday's post I will. Picture 1 "See through you, I can." (Hee hee, myself I crack up. At council meetings, kill this line does.) Picture 2 "Remember my deodorant did I?" *Sniff Sniff* (Young Skywalker's idea, this was. So funny what is, I see not.) Picture 3 "Teach Kenobi to call me a girlie man, this will." (A problem with passive-aggressiveness at the Temple we have, I fear.) Picture 4 "Hmm, eaten that chili dog I should not have." Picture 5 "A disturbance in my whiskers I sense."

Faddle, Daddle, and Bugs

Today, this note under my door I found: "If have you I can not, Then have you no one will! Long for this world you have not! Bwahaahahahahahaha! xoxoxo, The One Who Loves You Truly P.S. With 'paddle' my name rhymes." Written this who could have? Hmm, coherent it is, well-written, yes. Good sentence structure it contains. But recognize the handwriting I do not, hmm. Very mysterious. Rhymes with 'paddle' the author says her name does. Hmm, be that who could? Master Fiddle Faddle perhaps? Very nutty she is. Just the kind of practical joke she might pop in and do, it is. Hmm... no, make sense, this would not. Too sweet to do this she is. Maybe Jedi Knight Diddle Daddle it is? No, whoever did this, quick enough to leave the note without me seeing her, she was. Fast Jedi Daddle is not. Her time about things she takes. Very slow she is. A lot of time she wastes. Yes, very mysterious this is. Know if it is related I do not, but later when into the kitchen I went, what I saw this was: Bugs, noooo!!! Done such a horrible thing to my cute little stuffed Bugs Bunny, who could have? Capable of such cruelty, who would be?

Will the Wookiee Eat My Cookie?

Today, my Stupid Intern's trial was. To four million hours of community service he was sentenced. That he should serve those hours as an intern to an important green Jedi Master, I convinced the judge. Rather be in prison he would, my Stupid Intern said. A strange sense of humor he has. Anyway, have him for a long time, I will. Eighteen hour days divide four million hours by, is... uh...carry the one you must...wait, tell me do not...um...uh...well, a buncha days that comes out to. After doing yesterday's post I tried, very relieved to have him back I am. In fact, all ready for him his dog hou-, er, intern's cottage is. Take up much room, the Great Dane Wookiee who already lives there does not, so very comfortable my Stupid Intern should be. Speaking of Wookiees, everyday to the Younglings I read. For the same book, they always ask - Will the Wookiee Eat My Cookie?, by Dr. Seuss. Their favorite, it is. Read it have you? Quoted it below I have: Will the Wookiee Eat My Cookie by Dr. Seuss Will the Wookiee eat my Cookie? Said Bobby to Albert Snookie. No! Of course not, my young rookie, Chuckled the wisened old Snookie. Wookiees will never eat cookies As sure as I owe my bookies Whatever cookies you could bake Would surely make his tummy-ache! He'd rather have a fish-head cake Or a chicken-fried rattlesnake He'd prefer a blueberry steak Or an oven-roasted leaf rake! No, he would not eat your cookie Why, he would rather play hooky! Oh, looky! Said Snookie The wookiee! Your cookie! "Well, what do you know?" said Snookie. A Wookiee will eat a cookie! **Inspired in part by this. **Art in this post © Bill Johnson 2005.

eAsy THIS is NoT!

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Case Closed: A Ducky in the Hand....

In the votes are. Conclusive, the results are. And now, the ending that you people chose, here is: [Transcript continued from the previous post] MACE WINDU Hold the phone, people, did any of you happen to notice the muddy footprints leading out from Yoda's bathroom and into the backyard? DEPUTY FIFE Footprints?! I knew there was something I was forgetting to check for! Hold on a minute, I'm gonna write that down for next time. MACE WINDU Anyway, they lead straight out to that little dog house out back. MASTER YODA Oh, where I make my stupid intern sleep, that is...Hey...Wait a minute...my stupid intern it was! [Yoda points at Stupid Intern] YODA'S STUPID INTERN That doesn't prove anything! DEPUTY FIFE Alright, calm down! Calm down, people! As an officer of the Law, I'm gonna have to conduct an official search of your dog house, I mean bedroo...whatever!...for official evidence of this heinous crime. YODA'S STUPID INTERN Alright! I confess. [Breaks down] I did it! I stole the monkey's stupid board and toy duck! DEPUTY FIFE You're under arrest! [Struggles unsuccessfully to remove handcuffs from belt.] Just stand right there with your hands together for a few minutes. Anybody have any duct tape? MASTER YODA But why, Stupid Intern? Do such a thing why would you? Been so good to you I have. YODA'S STUPID INTERN Good to me? Good to me?! You call forcing me to sleep in that dog house being good to me? You call making me massage your corns and bunions for five hours at a time being good to me? And the ear cleaning, oh my god, the ear cleaning! You have enough wax in those ears to start your own museum! And what about all those hours you make me work on your stupid blog? You know how hard it is to take dictation from someone who talks like you? I never know where one sentence ends and the next begins! I mean, you're almost 900 years old, for crying out loud! Learn the freakin' language! But making me write the blog isn't enough! No! You're always like, "Photoshop this picture you must. Look big, it makes my butt." I have blogs too! I have a life! Do you care? Noooo! It's all about the little green man, all the time, non-stop! MASTER YODA Come now, Stupid Intern. Be that bad it cannot. Understand why so upset you are, I do not... YODA'S STUPID INTERN You don't understand why I'm upset?!! Oh, I don't know, could it be because I'm tired of being called Stupid Intern all the time?! Huh? Ya think? I mean, I have a name, for Pete's sake! But I bet you don't even know it. Do you? What's my name? Go ahead, say it! What's my name?!! MASTER YODA Um...Uh...Ok, just a minute, come to me, it will. YODA'S STUPID INTERN Thanks to you, I bet none of these other people know my name either! How about it? Does anyone in this room know my name? Anybody? ANAKIN SKYWALKER Yo, G, I thought you're name was Stupid Intern. YODA'S STUPID INTERN [Throws hands up] Gaghh! [DEPUTY FIFE takes YODA'S STUPID INTERN into custody.] YODA'S STUPID INTERN And you know what? I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and that pesky dog! EVERYBODY Huh? YODA'S STUPID INTERN Oh, forget it. [DEPUTY FIFE takes YODA'S STUPID INTERN away.] MACE WINDU Hold on. Yoda, do you mean to tell me that you never noticed those muddy footprints, even though they've been there for four days? MASTER YODA Yes, notice them I did. I suppose, followed them to see where they went, I could have. Looking back at it now, maybe a good idea that would have been. Hmm, yes. ANAKIN SKYWALKER That's whack, yo! All those electro-shock treatments fo' nuthin?! Not cool, yo, not cool. OBI-WAN KENOBI I kinda liked it. And there you go. The ending you voted for. Happy now you are? Now an intern I have not. Maybe force what's-his-name to be my intern as part of his community service I can. Better than picking up Wookie poo at the park, it would be. By the way, here the final results are. Know what to make of this vote, my stupid intern did not. Very surprised he was. Oh, and to the 3% of you people who for the bottom choice, voted - see it you cannot, but sticking my tongue out at you I am. Vewy faw oud, sdigging id I ab! *Phblllttt!* (A sound effect, that was.) Hmph!

The Potty Plank Mystery: Your Help We Need!

The (Un)Usual Suspects: Gathered in the Jedi Temple library we have, Deputy Sherriff Barney Fife, the official Jedi stenographer, the eight suspects (see previous post), and myself. Time to get down to the bottom of this, it is. Below, a transcript of the proceedings so far is. DEPUTY FIFE [Loudly] Alright, people, calm down! Calm down! Now you're probably wondering why I've called you all here tonight... BUBBA THE HUTT I thought that there Yoda feller was the one that called us here. Ain't he the one who called you'ns? DEPUTY FIFE No, as an officer of the Law, I called everyone... BUBBA THE HUTT I'm purty sure it were that little green feller who sent me the invite... DEPUTY FIFE Look! I'm the Law here. Got it? If anyone's gonna be calling a meeting, it's gonna be me, understand? Now, as I was sayin', you're probably wonderin' why I called you all here. As a duly deputized officer of the Law, it is my duty to find who the perpetrating perpetrator is who perpetrated this heinous crime against this innocent citizen, Mr. Yoda. YADDLE One of us, you suspect? DEPUTY FIFE That's right! The perpetrator who perpetrated this heinous crime, the person who stole Mr. Yoda's toilet board and rubber ducky is in this room, right here! [The lights in the room suddenly go out. The room is completely dark. ] [A womanly scream is heard.] [The lights come back on] DEPUTY FIFE Uh, sorry, everyone. I accidentally hit the light switch. [Loudly] Alright, everyone, calm down! Calm down! I've got it all under control. OBI-WAN KENOBI Who was screamin? DEPUTY FIFE That's not important. Now... YODA I think that Deputy Fife it was. DEPUTY FIFE I do not scream! YODA Mmm yes, like a little girl you screamed. Be mistaken with ears this size, I cannot. DEPUTY FIFE Alright enough! Let's get to business here. One of you stole Yoda's ducky, and no one's leavin until I find out who it was! Now, Yodle... YADDLE Yaddle, my name is. DEPUTY FIFE Whatever! Where were you four nights ago between the hours of 9:00 pm to 11:00 pm? And don't lie to me! I'm a trained law-enforcement professional! I can tell when criminal-types are lying! So you better tell the truth! YADDLE In my room. Watching While You Were Sleeping, I was. DEPUTY FIFE Were you by yourself? YADDLE [Sighs heavily] Yes, again. DEPUTY FIFE Aha! So you don't have a lullaby! YADDLE An alibi you mean? DEPUTY FIFE Whatever! You don't have one, so you must have done it! YADDLE Want anything to do with Yoda's stuff, I do not! A jerk he is! Though, still my Sweet Baboo he is. YODA Your Sweet Babbo I am not! YADDLE [Draws lightsaber] You will be. DEPUTY FIFE Alright, put that away before you hurt someone! You want me to arrest you? Well, do ya? Don't make me take this bullet out of my pocket! YADDLE [Puts lightsaber back in holster] The thief I am not! Pick on someone else, why do you not? Master Windu roaming the halls that night I saw. Ask him... MACE WINDU That's a lie! DEPUTY FIFE Then what were you doing the alleged heinous night in question? MACE WINDU I was in my room moisturizing, man. DEPUTY FIFE The whole two hours? MACE WINDU Of course the whole two hours! What do you think? You think you can rush this much beauty? DEPUTY FIFE Ok, smart guy, where's your proof? MACE WINDU Look at me, fool! This beautiful chestnut skin didn't come by accident, man! Why don't you ask Anakin over there what he was doing? I don't remember hearing him come to his room until real late that night! ANAKIN SKYWALKER What? Oh, it's like that, now, huh? I thought you was my dawg, yo! For the billionth time, yo, I ain't stole no toilet board or no spit like that. They ain't no way I'm goin near that thing, yo. Yoda's been like, sitting his green booty on it and stuff. What about Obi-Wan, yo? He's like all weird and spit. Fuh real. OBI-WAN KENOBI Ha! There's no way I coulda done it! YODA Why that is, Kenobi? OBI-WAN KENOBI 'Cause whoever done it, ain't got caught yet. Everyone knows I ain't smart enough to do nothin like that without bein caught! So there! YODA True it is. Dumb you are. OBI-WAN KENOBI See?! ANAKIN SKYWALKER Ok, then what about the giant booger, yo? Why you gotta be all up in my grill about this when you got a real evil dude right over there? BUBBA THE HUTT What? You'ns talkin about me? Look, I didn't steal no toilet board. I didn't even know the little feller needed one. Though I guess that makes sense when ya think about it. It's kinda funny too. Yeah, that's funny right there, I don't care who you are. Hey what about this here fella in the Liberace get-up? He don't look like too nice a guy. COUNT DOOKU My good man, I'll have you know these clothes were custom designed by Jorjo Armanini of Alderaan, who is quite simply the greatest fashion designer known to man. Now, I see absolutely no reason why I should be suspected. I have, after all, been recuperating from that unfortunate incident on that unpleasant Jerry Springer program. I'm afraid I just haven't the spirit yet to attempt such a thing. I say, no one's questioned the young man sitting in the corner over there. Judging from his appearance, I'd say he's not above such a thing. YODA Yes, Stupid Intern, what to say for yourself do you have? Where were you, when stolen, my ducky was? YODA'S STUPID INTERN Probably picking up your dry cleaning, or waxing your airspeeder for the five-thousandth time. YODA Proof of this, you have? YODA'S STUPID INTERN Unfortunately, it was one of those rare occasions when you weren't breathing down my back. So, yeah, I was alone, probably enjoying the peace and quiet. YODA Deal with you later, I will. DEPUTY FIFE Now wait just a cotton-pickin minute! There's one guy we haven't talked to yet. Colonel Mustard, what do you have to say for yourself? Huh? I said speak up, Mister! COLONEL MUSTARD I say, surely, Old Man, you don't think I had anything to do with this, do you? I harbored absolutely no animosity towards Mr. Boddy at all. What's more, you still haven't proven I used the rope in the kitchen have you? DEPUTY FIFE What in the world are you talkin about? And who's this Mr. Boddy fella? COLONEL MUSTARD Well, who is this Yoda chap you keep dribbling on about? I say, Constable, are you quite certain that I belong here? DEPUTY FIFE Are you trying to tell me how to do my job? I'm a trained officer of the Law. If I say you belong here, you belong here! Do you understand that, mister! COLONEL MUSTARD There now, old Bean, it's just that I feel so out of place for some reason. YODA Deputy, talked to everyone now, you have. The perpetrator, who is? DEPUTY FIFE How am I supposed to know? None of them have lullabies! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? Attenion Readers: Need your help, I do! Who the thief is, do you think? Determine tomorrow's post, your vote below will: Who Stole Yoda's Ducky? Bubba the Hutt Obi-Wan Kenobi Master Yaddle Count Dooku Mace Windu Anakin Skywalker Yoda's Stupid Intern Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the rope. Your blog stinks! Man, I miss the Darthside. Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Case of the Missing Ducky (and 2 x 4)

Been able to find out who stole my potty board and rubber ducky I have not. Asked all the Jedi I have. Talking no one is. Tried gentle forms of persuasion I have: the pressure washer, cookie deprivation, Force-wedgies, mild electrical shocks to the brain, ... nothing. Willing to say what they know, no one is. So, no choice they left me. The Coruscant PD I called. They said that put their best man on the case they would: Very relieved I am that on the job he is. Very competent he seems. Already narrowed the list of suspects down to eight, he has. The Suspects: Bubba the Hutt aka Booger Face Motive: Been happy with me he has not since kept his drinking buddy, Kenobi, from hanging out with him, I have. Also, instrumental I was in ending the blockade of Naboo by his Bait & Tackle Federation. Prevented him from cornering the galactic market on live bait and cheap tobacco this has. Kenobi aka The Kenobinator Motive: Starting to resent the "tough love" I have shown him, he may be. Possible it is that enjoy being sprayed with a pressure washer or chased around the block with a lightsaber he does not. Master Yaddle aka Foxy Cleopatra Motive: Recently, rejected her romantic advances I have. Said publicly she has how upset about this she is. As Deputy Fife said, "Hal's hat is not as furry as a woman scorned." Sure what that means, I am not. Dooku aka Dookie Monster Motive: Humiliated by our recent appearance on the Springer show he was. But all the way back to his days with the Jedi, his animosity towards me dates. My opinion on an album he had put out, A Hard Day's Knight he asked. That too much cow bell there was, I suggested. Forgiven me for that he has not. Windu aka Master Stubble Head Motive: Sensitive about his head and hair-loss, he is (despite what in his recent guest post he wrote). Casually mentioned his hair loss in passing once or twice I may have, like here and here. Anyway, very touchy he is. Young Skywalker aka Ani From the Block Motive: A punk he is, so need a motive, he does not. But several he has. For one thing, showed his Spider-Man Underoos to the Jedi Council I have. Also, let him be a master, I will not. But most importantly, his cookie priveleges I took away a week ago, and reinstated them I have not. My Stupid Intern aka Guido Goofy Pants Motive: Word is that like working 18 hours a day for no pay he may not. Also tired of being known as "Stupid Intern" he might be. Colonel Mustard aka Not the Chicken Guy Motive: No idea who this man is, I have. Want with my rubber ducky and potty board he would, I know not. But Deputy Fife said, "I don't like his looks. He looks like a heinous man. I can tell. Yep, when you're a trained law enforcement professional like me, you get an eye for these things. He's a heinous man, alright. I can tell." Keep you apprised I will as forward the investigation moves.

Happy I Am NOT!!

I knew that happen this would! Enjoy doing the doggy paddle in the toilet, I do not! So gross, it was! After this, a four-hour shower I took. With a brillo pad, I scrubbed. Someone asked, "Just float above the bowl, why don't you?" Hmph! At my age, use the Force I must just so move my colon I can! Sense you laughing I can. Stop it! Serious this is! Very wet I got! Caught cold, I could have! Want to explain that to the doctor I would not! Pay dearly, whoever stole my board will. Take my word you can. ________________ On one of those reality shows, I went. Called Survivor: Tatooine it is. An application for me Young Skywalker sent, and tell me he did not! Funny he thought he was. Get him for this I will. Anyway, a blog about it there is. On it, all of the contestants post. Click on the "Survivor Tatooine" banner below the obnoxious eBay ad on the left you can.

Missing One Board

Funny this is not. Steal my board who did? A 2" x 4" board I keep. Very important it is. Across the toilet seat I lay it. From falling in it keeps me. Like falling in, I do not! All wet and icky I get. Even more tragic it is if someone flushes! Still recovering from the last time that happened I am. Also, stolen my rubber ducky, someone has. Take a proper bubblebath without my rubber ducky, how can I?! Asked all the Jedi I have. Of course, deny it, they all do. Maybe covering for someone some are. Fine! Revoked, cookie priveleges for the entire Order will be until forward someone comes and responsibility they take! Hmph!

Bad Redneck Influence

A scare I had today. Word I received that being held by one of the Hutts, Kenobi was. Quickly to Tatooine I rushed. Ready to throw down and mount a major rescue I was. Into Jabba the Hutt's lair I barged, with lightsaber drawn. Droids left and right I destroyed. Easily past the idiots who work for him I got. "Alright, Jabba, futile resistance is! My Jedi hand over, or prepare for a major butt-whooping, you should!" "Here no Jedi is," in Huttese, Jabba said, "Looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi you are? Hanging out he is with my loser redneck brother, Bubba the Hutt:" Tell the difference between the Hutts I cannot. Like giant boogers with faces on them they all look. Anyway, over to Mos Eisley Estates Trailer Park I rushed, to make sure that alright Kenobi was. Just hanging out they were, watching fishing shows while pork rinds they were eating and cheap beer they were drinking. Bubba the Hutt said, "Hey little feller, come on in here and sit down. We were just about to turn on a monster truck show. Getcha a beer. You want some of this here chewin' tobacco?" Then, in a paper cup he spit. "Kenobi, coming with me you are, right now!" I said. I hope that too late I was not. Need this kind of influence Kenobi does not.

Master Yaddle

Yaddle, this female's name is. A fellow Jedi Master she is. And the hots for me she has. This morning, under my door this note I found: Sweet Babboo, Like me do you? Circle One: Yes No xoxoxo, Yaddle Silly this is! In junior high school we are?! First of all, this sort of thing, the Jedi Oath forbids. Allowed to start romantic relationships we are not. No, easy this is not. Why piped to every shower in the Jedi Temple only cold water is, this is. Even if the case this were not, "hook up", as Young Skywalker says, with Master Yaddle I would not. Almost 900 year old I am. Only 477 years old she is! Rob the cradle I will not! Scandalous that would be. Foolish, I would look. No business, being with a young girl like that, an old man like me has. Besides, take it my heart could not! Why attracted to a "geezer" (another Young Skywalker word) like me she is, I know not. Maybe great-great-great-great grandaddy issues she has. Anyway, work these May/December romances do not. But break it to her that way, I will not. Let her down gently I must. I know, tell her "You it is not, me it is," I will. Yes, always that line works. Atleast get her to stop calling me her "Sweet Babboo" I must. Getting on my nerves that is.

Ask Yoda

Share with you more of my wisdom I will. Realize how fortunate you are, do you? Anyway, answer some of your questions here I will: Actual Email: Dear Master Yoda, i've been interested in this girl for months now. I think she has feelings for me, but I can't be sure. How do you know when a girl is interested in you? -Clueless Youngling Answer: Dear Clueless: Among my people, when interested in you a female is, perform a mating dance she will. Hop on one foot in a circle around you while trying to sniff your ears, does this girl? If so, a sure sign she likes you that is. Another Actual Email: Master Yoda, Does Chewbacca have nipples? If so, whats he doin with nipples? -Jess Answer: Jess, Counciling you need. Recommend a good therapist I can. A cry for help this email is. From Your Comments: JawaJuice - Master Yoda...can Jawas become a Jedi? Answer - An equal opportunity employer, the Jedi Council is, especially since the lawsuit. WookieHobbit - Master Yoda, what did you look like when you were young? Answer - See what do to you, hard living and drinking will? Have questions for Yoda do you? If so, email me or leave them in the comments you can. Use your question I may not. Respond to your email I may not. And please, family-friendly your comments keep.

Out of Shape, Kenobi Is

Out of shape Kenobi is. Taken their toll, all those years of alcohol and Cheeto abuse have. His annual Jedi physical exam, he passed not. Surprised I am not. Every time, when from a mission they return, about how Kenobi's butt Young Skywalker saved again, I have to hear. Getting old it is. Last time, Kenobi I asked, "The master here, who is?" Now, on a strict training exercise regimen I have him. Get him back into shape I will. But motivation he needs, otherwise slack off he will. A lazy bum he is. This I do because like a son to me Kenobi is. A lot about him, I care. Only what's best for him I want. I know that much about him I complain. But deep down, a special place in my heart he has. Why this is that developed a special motivational technique just for him I have. See for yourself how I help him you can: [Scroll down you must] "Faster, Kenobi, faster." I hope that the effort I am making, he appreciates. ***Special thanks to Padawan Valerie for the pic!

More Wookie Trouble.

In town again, Chewbacca is, and of course, staying at the Jedi Temple he is. Always problems this causes. Now a new problem there is. Get him to stop drinking from the toilet I cannot. Gross that is! Plenty of drinks in the fridge we have. Even his favorite - Mountain Berry Kool-Aid we have. But stop his potty-slurping he will not! Maybe that thing our cleaning service puts in the toilet that turns the water blue, it is. The same color of the Kool-Aid he likes, it is. But surely, taste the difference he can. Tried smacking him with a rolled-up newspaper and yelling, "No! Bad Wookie!" several times, I have. But do this to a Wookie only so many times you can before your arm you lose! Frustrating this is, because just broken Kenobi of this habit, we have. Hard to clean while here Chewbacca stays it is, too. Much hair on the carpet he leaves, but vacuum I can not, because afraid of the vacuum cleaner he is. The last time the Hoover I turned on, "Mbaaaaaaaaaaarr!" he yelled, and the vacuum cleaner he smashed. Oh well, at least off the furniture he keeps now.

Strange Transmission

A strange transmission we intercepted today. Know what language it is, I do not. I think maybe about a droid invasion it is! To Senator Amidala's protocol droid, C-3PO, I showed it. "Oh, um, my my. Well, I'm quite sure I wouldn't have the foggiest notion of what it is says. I am dreadfully sorry, Master Yoda. I do hope you won't memory-wipe me for this." Stupid droid! Over 6 million languages he knows. Translate this, he can not? Important this is. In danger, the Republic may be: Ani1Hand: Y0 gurl, wh4ssup? BbyGrlPdme: H3y b4by! Ani1Hand: Wh4t 4r3 j00 d0ing? BbyGrlPdme: N07hing. j00? Ani1Hand: j00'r3 s3xy! BbyGrlPdme: LOL! :-0 Ani1Hand: j00'r3 phly, gurl! BbyGrlPdme: S0 4r3 j00. LOL! Ani1Hand: Y0d4's up in my ph4c3. BbyGrlPdme: 7h47 zuckz. Ani1Hand: Li77l3 gr33n midg37 m0nk3y. BbyGrlPdme: ROFLLOL! Maybe help, this can. I hope too late, we are not.

Going On What Is?!

Going on with Young Skywalker and Senator Amidala, what is? Asks to be escorted on official business by him a lot, she does. Evidently, in the mall, a lot of official Republic business takes place. And at the movies. And at the beach. And at her apartment late at night. Need to be escorted to her own apartment, why does she? Also, always with these strange little bruises on his neck he comes back. "Hickies" Kenobi called them once. Tries to hide them Young Skywalker does. Why? That big ugly battle scar on the side of his face, proudly he wears. Let the medical droids heal it he would not. (A big weirdo he is.) If these "hickies" in battle he got, hide them, why would he? And always when around I am, they whisper. Not polite, that is! Like to be in on their little jokes, I would too! Always giggling they are. Talking about me are they? Be not they better! Afraid to administer wedgies with the Force, I am not! ________________________ Finally completed his story, The Death of Shawneetown, my stupid intern has. That's why so late this post is! Hey, on your own time do that, Stupid Intern! Write for your blog on the time we don't pay you for, do not! Anyway, on his Bill Johnson's Fiction blog, it is.

Q-Tips, Door-Greeters, and Vidal Sassoon

To the local Wal-Mart Supercenter, Young Skywalker and I went today. Run out of Jumbo-sized Q-Tips, I had. To re-stock his large cache of hair-care products, Young Skywalker needed. Down to only a two-months supply of Vidal Sassoon styling gel, conditioner, hairspray, mousse, detangler, silker reconstructor, and shampoo he was. Still plenty of the other 70 products he has. Posted a guard at the door they had. A "door-greeter" they call him. Why him they chose to guard the door, I know not. Very old he was. Taken him even without using the Force, I could have. Also, no weapons he had. Protect a Wal-Mart from the Sith or attacking armies of droids, without weapons, how can he? Stand guard with only that little blue vest with the big smiley face on it, for protection, he did. "Just a minute there, Sonny." to Young Skywalker he said, "bring your monkey in here, you cannot." A monkey! I hate it, when happen this does. So, jump to my defense, did Young Skywalker? Explain to the man that a monkey I am not, did he? What think do you? "He's a Seeing-Eye monkey, yo." "Oh, Ok then go in you can." Stupid, smart-alec, Young Skywalker! Like a monkey I am not! Much cuter I am. Less hair I have. Throw my poop around I do not. Immediately with the Force, a wedgie I administered on Young Skywalker. Tolerate the monkey jokes I will not.

Dooku: The Get Well Card

Been in the hospital since the Springer incident, Dooku has. The doctors say that recovering nicely he is. Hmph. Too bad that is. Sent him a get well card I have. More than he ever did for me, it is. When the Naboosian Flu I had, send a get well card, he did not! No excuse he has. Just because trying to kill each other, we are, mean it does not that be nice to each other we cannot! Besides, above such pettiness I am. A card with cute little kitties on it I got him. Things that have cute little kitties on them, Dooku loves. Smile it will make him, sure I am. A funny little joke on the inside, it had too. But personalize these things you must. At least, what Dear Abby says that is. So below is the message on the card I wrote: Dooku, Get well soon!! So that smite you down I can! Love, Yoda, the Face of Your Destruction

Our New Jedi Shaquanda

So, confused about what to do with our new Jedi Shaquanda I am. Put her with the other Padawans I can not. Afraid I am that sit on a Youngling she will. Maybe put her in an accelerated class I can. Very much about the Force she knows already. Feel the Force through her hair extensions and weaves she can. At times, to sense the future, her gold tooth she uses. But when chili for lunch she has, clouded the future gets. Already made Windu cry she has, "Boy, what you doin, sitting around lookin at yourself in that big mirror like that? It ain't like you got hair to comb on your bald head! And what you need with a mirror that big, anyway? You a grown man, you don't need to be sittin around here, readin no Tiger Beat, talkin about feelings all the time. If you don't get up outta that chair, you gonna be feeling my foot up the crack of your behind!" Most effective she is when her head and neck she whips. A new Force trick that is, I think. Trying to straighten up Kenobi she is, "Boy, get your head out of that Cheetos bag! Clean your face up! You ain't gotta have Cheetos all up in your beard like that. Don't you never look in the mirror? What's wrong with you? Ain't nobody here want to see you in your old tighty-whities. Put some clothes on! This ain't no locker room. And you a grown man. What you doin goin around here in them wrestling tights anyway? And I ain't callin you no 'Kenobinator', neither. I know that ain't the name your mama gave you." Yes, working out fine she is. Make Master in no time she will. Very empathetic, when a hard day I have had, she is. Big hugs she gives me. "I know, Boo. I know. You don't get no lovin. Come here, let me give you some lovin." Careful I must be though. Pass out the last time she hugged me, I did.

Dooku: The Reckoning, Smackdown on Springer

So, come to this, it had. Inevitable it was. On the Jerry Springer Show, Dooku and I were. Ready to throw down we were. "My Friend You Were, But Me You Dissed, So To The Hand Talk!" the theme of the show was. Never friends Dooku and I were, even when a member of the Jedi Order he was. Very stuck up he was. Besides, hang out we could not because allergic to his Vaseline Hair Tonic, I am. And tell you let me, like in the stuff he bathes, it smells. On the segment before ours, a nice lady named Shaquanda was. Apparently, cheated on her with her own sister, her "baby's daddy" had. Actually, father of only two of her seven children he was. Still, "a dog" he was. At least, think so the audience did. Loudly they cheered when her sister and her baby's daddy, Shaquanda single-handedly beat up. A big girl, she was. Eight security guards to pull her off her baby's daddy it took. Just because of the lifting involved, that was. Told I am, that usually leave the stage the last set of guests will before the next guests come on. But feel like getting out of her chair, Shaquanda did not. Have strength left to lift her off, the security people did not. So still on stage when I came on she was. Below, the transcript of our segment is- JERRY: Welcome back, today on the Jerry Springer show we're talking to people who have been dissed by their friends. With us now is Yoda who says his former friend Dooku has been a complete jerk since leaving the Jedi Order. Yoda says Dooku has called him names, put spiders in his room, and even insulted his ride. AUDIENCE: OOOOOOOOOH! JERRY: Yoda, tell us about Dooku. He calls you names, is that right? YODA: Called me "that midget frog on the Jedi Council" and "Jedi Master Kermit" behind my back he has. Very hurtful it is. Easy being green it is not. SHAQUANDA: You can't let him talk to you like that, Boo! Stand up for yourself. You a good-lookin little green man! You got to love yourself, and don't let nobody dis you like that. AUDIENCE [Cheers] SHAQUANDA: You hear what I'm saying? You got to love yourself. I love myself. Look here. You see this? This is 325 pounds of fine mamacita. AUDIENCE [Cheers louder] YODA: A fine mamacita you are, yes. *Editor's note - Know what a "fine mamacita" is I did not. But wise to agree with her, I thought it was. SHAQUANDA: You fine too! You got to love yourself. Say it with me, "I'm green and I'm proud!" Come on! YODA: Green I am and proud I am. SHAQUANDA: That's what I'm talking about, Boo! JERRY: OK, why don't we hear Dooku's side of the story. Dooku, come on out. COUNT DOOKU [Enters stage left] AUDIENCE [Boos] YODA [Jumps up, draws lightsaber, and moves towards Count Dooku] COUNT DOOKU [Draws lightsaber] SECURITY [Comes on stage] YODA AND COUNT DOOKU [Put away lightsabers and sit down] JERRY: Dooku, what do you have to say for yourself? DOOKU: It's all lies, I tell you, lies! Name-calling is distasteful to me. It rather gives me the vapors, really. JERRY: Would you be willing to take a paternity test to determine if you're the father? DOOKU: Say what, Old Chap? JERRY: Sorry, wrong note card. DOOKU: I really don't see what all this bally-hoo is about, really. I'm quite flummoxed about the whole affair. What could possibly... YODA: [Interrupting] A butt-head you are, Dooku. AUDIENCE: Ooooooooh! SHAQUANDA: [To YODA] You tell him, Baby. [Pointing to Dooku] You need to step off my boy, alright? You don't need to be goin' around callin' nobody "Master Kermit" or "Jedi Frog" like you all that. You just a wrinkled up old man. AUDIENCE [Cheers] SHAQUANDA: [Whipping neck and head from side to side] And ain't nobody fooled by that comb-over you got goin' on either. Everybody can see that bald spot on the back of your head. COUNT DOOKU: My dear lady, it behooves you... SHAQUANDA: Hooves?! What you talkin' about hooves? I know you didn't just call me a cow! YODA: To me it sounds like calling you a cow he is. COUNT DOOKU: I am certainly not calling you a cow, Madame. I am simply just imploring you not to speak of that which you are ignorant. SHAQUANDA: Oh no he didn't! YODA: Yes, he did, I think. COUNT DOOKU: I am merely asking you to be quiet! YODA: [To SHAQUANDA] Going to let him talk to you like that, are you? SHAQUANDA: [Jumps up] Oh, it's on, now! [Leaps at Dooku] SECURITY [Enters from stage right and left to stop the fight] YODA [Makes a quick gesture with his hand from left to right] SECURITY [All fall down at once] COUNT DOOKU: Oh Heavens! [Shoots blue bolts of electricity from his hands at SHAQUANDA] SHAQUANDA: [Absorbs electricity with her body fat] That ain't gonna work on me, Player! I'm too much woman for that! [Attacks Dooku] AUDIENCE [Cheers wildly] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! COUNT DOOKU: The face! Please, not the face! [Force lightning bounces off of SHAQUANDA and on to JERRY] JERRY: Blurrrrrghackhhhhh! AAAAAAAAH! JERRY [Stumbles to stage to try to break up fight] YODA [Waves hand] [A chair suddenly flies into the air and knocks Jerry off stage] JERRY: [Staggering, looking at camera] Is it time for a commercial? Thank God! Coming up next, once I quit bleeding and my hair stops smoldering, my next guest Charlene says her best friend Connie-Sue stole all of her food stamps. Now, she has nothing left to trade for beer and cigarettes. That's next on the Jerry Springer Show. [Graphic appears] ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow on Springer, "This Double-Wide Isn't Big Enough For The Both of Us". Tomorrow. As see you can, quite productive that was. Resolved that way, all Jedi/Sith disputes should be. Unfortunately, air this clip they will not. Violent enough it is not, the producers said. And something about take their clothes off no one did, they said. Recruited Shaquanda to join the Jedi Order I have. Need her on our side we do. ****Thanks to Jawa Juice for the pic! __________________ Finally completed his story, The Death of Shawneetown, my stupid intern has. That's why so late this post is! Hey, on your own time do that, Stupid Intern! Write for your blog on the time I don't pay you for, do not! Anyway, on his Bill Johnson's Fiction blog, it is.

Dooku: The Final Insult

Tonight, the door bell I heard. Very insistant the ringing was. Down to open it I rushed. When opened the door I had, burning on the porch a small fire was! With my feet, quickly I stomped it out. Then I found out that a burning bag of Wookie droppings it was! Ruined, my Scooby-Doo slippers were! Behind the bushes, someone snickering I heard. Then off he ran. You it was, I know, Dooku! The only one I know who wears a top hat and cape you are! (By the way, Liberace called - his wardrobe back he wants! Hmph!) But the worst that was not. Earlier today, to Coruscant City Hall I went. My own parking space I have there. About to park my airspeeder I was, when Dooku's airspeeder in my spot I saw! Just getting out he was. "Excuse me," I said, "my spot that is." Dooku smirked as that stupid snicker he did. "Oh come now, Old Bean, you don't expect me to park my Aston Martin in with everyone else do you? Surely it shouldn't be too difficult to find a spot for that old thing you putter around in, should it? Cheerio!" Wha-?! Ooooooh, so mad I am! Too angry for words I am! Still, agreed to settle this like civilized people we have. Do the only thing intelligent, rational people who have these kind of disagreements can do, we will. Go on the Jerry Springer show we will. Tomorrow - Dooku: The Reckoning, Smackdown on Springer

Dooku: My List of Grievances

Sorry I am that several hours late this blog is. Last night, out the electricity at the Jedi Temple was. Stupid Coruscant Light & Power Company! Anyway, said that too harsh, my chosen punishment for Dooku is, some of you have. Mmph! What know you of harsh? Had varicose veins and achy joints for almost 700 years now I have. Tell me about harsh do not! "But just a game of Bingo, it is," some of you said. All of it, that is not! Only the straw that broke the bantha's back, it is! Listed for you my grievances against Dooku I have: My List of Grievances Against Dooku: 1. A big, hairy, ugly, scary spider he put in my room. 2. Ruined Lawrence Welk dance night at the Coruscant Senior Citizens' Center for me, he has. 3. Threw a big party for Senator Amidala, but invite me he did not! Much ice cream and cake there was. Ice cream and cake I love, he knows! 4. Young Skywalker's arm he chopped off and refused to reimburse the Jedi Order for the mechanical arm replacement he has. Know do you how expensive arm replacements are? Pay for it anymore our group policy will not. They said that filed too many claims for arm and hand replacements we have. 5. The one who convinced Windu to wear those stupid wigs he was. This he did, because a stupid comb-over Dooku himself has. Long in front his hair he grows, then over the bald spot in back he combs it. Seen his hair when very windy it is I have. Fooling no one you are, Dooku! 6. Prank phone calls to my number all the time he makes. Know an I. P. Freely I do not, so stop asking me you will! 7. One time, some "tea" he gave me. Hurt, it made my tummies and see strange things it made me. And what the "green" in the "green tea" was, I think I know now! 8. Getting me kicked out of the AARP, he tried. Need the supplemental insurance I do! To cover people over 500 years old, no one else wants! Fortunately, belonged to AARP for 825 years I have. Much seniority I have. 9. Send me a "Get Well Card" when the Naboosian Flu I had, he did not. 10. Called me "that midget frog on the Jedi Council" and "Jedi Master Kermit" behind my back he has! So see you can, a major butt-whooping he deserves. And get one he will, too.

Dooku: Bringing the Smackdown

Dooku, detained I will be, so able to make my appointment for your humiliation I am not. But, worry not. Sending my best Jedi I am. Make short work of you he will. Give up now, you should. Have mercy on you he will not. Famous his skills are. Fans all over the world he has. In awe of his skills they are. So good he is, perhaps the Chosen One he is. Soon, become the most powerful Jedi of all time he will. Want to see this fiersome warrior, do you? Perhaps look you should not. Too intimidated you will be. Fear-inspiring, his mighty presence is. Tremble with fright, the mere sight of him makes people. On the other hand, the face of your reckoning you should see. Here he is, our best Jedi. Coming for you he is: [Need to scroll down, you will] That's right, Dooku. A prayer you have not. Witness his skill with the lightsaber. So graceful his movements are: Yes, afraid you are now, hmm? Give up now you should, Dooku, while still you can. Your only chance, that is. __________________ Updated one of his blogs, my stupid intern has. Check it out here you can. Why science fiction, nerds love, he explains. Know, he should. A big goofy nerd he is.

Dooku: Darth Cheater Pants

Regularly to the Coruscant Senior Citizen's Center I used to go. Bingo, dance lessons, shuffleboard. A wild time it was. Yes, much fun it was, until Dooku started coming. At Bingo, he cheats. Prove it I cannot, but sure of it I am. Impossible to win every single game it is. Using the Dark Side "Numbered Bouncy Ball Trick" he must be. Be so bad that would not, but everytime after he wins, up on the table he jumps and that song about the dog and "his name-o Bingo was" he sings. Ruined Lawrence Welk Dance Night he has. Always at the band he yells, "Freebird! Know Freebird, do you?" No class he has. Still waiting to have our show-down, I am. This time, leave the dead weight (Kenobi and Young Skywalker) at home, I will. Hear me do you, Dooku? Coming for you I am! Mine, your sorry cheating butt is! Owned you will be!

Smelt It, But Dealt It Not

Several times now lately, sitting at the dinner table Kenobi, Young Skywalker, Windu and I were, when something unpleasant I smelled. Nothing unusual this is. However, sense who it came from, I could not. Usually sense this I can. Say, "Much gas I sense in you, Young Skywalker" I will. Then usually, doing it the guilty party denies. Of course, no good this does. "See through you I can. Pork n' Beans you have had, hmm, with barbecue sauce, yes." Last for hours this discussion can. Lately though, sensed gas in Young Skywalker or Kenobi I have not. Yet, both hear and smell the toot I have. Only one explanation for this there is - you it is, I know, Qui-Gon Jinn! Bad enough it is that given me a coronary several times he almost has by popping up and talking to me all the time. Spooky enough he was when alive he was! Now, really creepy he is. My robe I almost soiled the first time his voice I heard, "Jinn calling Yoda. Come in, Yoda. On this thing is? Hello, testing one, two, three, testing." And now, evidently project smells from the Great Beyond he can. Great. Look, Jinn, nice it is that found a way to immortality through the Force you have. Happy for you I am. And usually just trying to help you are, I know. But save your appearances for important occasions, like when up against a powerful Sith I am, can you not? Need to hear I do not a spooky voice say this, "Wash your colors in cold water and your whites in hot water you should." Manage to do my laundry without help from dead Jedi, I can! And for crying out loud, to yourself, keep your gas. Funny it is not!

Public Transportation on Dagobah

Getting my airspeeder detailed in Dagobah yesterday I was, not "hair feeder derailed"!. Even make sense, that does not!. (As see you can, playing with a full deck, Windu is not.) Anyway, when dropping my airspeeder off, I was, they told me that be ready in four hours it would. Four hours?! Want to wait in their little waiting room with the ugly thirty-year-old paneling I did not. Read only so many issues of Field and Stream I can before bored I get. Besides, hooked up to cable, their TV was not. So a taxi I called, and what I got, this was: Tell you let me, a pleasant experience, this was not! Smelled, his backpack did. A thick accent this guy had, and barely speak any English he could. Tip him I did not. __________ By the way, written part 5 to The Death of Shawneetown, my stupid intern has. About time it is. His blogs he updates about as often as his socks Kenobi changes, and tell you let me, not very often that is! Read it here you can.