I want to talk to you people about something that's serious - not the usual foolishness that goes on here at this blog. That's right, I'm not going to talk to you about Force-wedgies, passing gas, farting banthas, Cheetos addictions, or Dolly Parton. This is serious. It means something.
I'm talking about an affliction that strikes people of all ages, creeds, races, species, and religions. Everyday, millions of otherwise normally healthy people wake up to find that their groove is gone. This sickness can strike anyone at any time without warning. I am one of those people.
That's right, I once had a groove:
But one night, while I was getting down, I made the serious mistake of shaking my groove thing. I eventually shook it too hard. Tragically, I busted my groove, busted it irreperably. That means there is no hope for me ever regaining what I lost. My name is not Stella. I am not getting my groove back.
It is bad enough to wake up one day with this debilitating condition, but there are babies born every day in this galaxy without a groove. That's right, there are people who have lived their entire lives without ever knowing what it's like to have a groove, for instance people such as pro bowlers, IT professionals, and the entire cast of Full House.
Right now, there is no treatment that can completely reverse this disease. But at the Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland, research is being conducted every day in hopes of finding a cure. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'What can I do to help?' The Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland relies entirely on donations from people just like you. Please help us fight this terrible disease.
And one more thing I want to tell you people - get tested regularly. This is important, because the loss of one's groove, or Spontaneous Groovectomy as it's called, happens to 1 in 6 females, and 1 in 4 males. Don't you be a statistic. You take that test! It's simple and it's painless. The specially trained technicians will simply put you in a room with the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack playing in the background. If you get through the entire album without feeling the urge to jump up and get down with your bad self, you may have lost your groove. And if you find yourself tapping your feet to a David Hasselhoff song, well, you may never have had a groove to begin with. But you can only know if you get yourself tested.
Don't get caught with your groove down. A groove is a terrible thing to waste.
Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow.