Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not

A year of hopes and dreams for me, this year was going to be. Going to get many things accomplished I was. Unfortunately, finally watching all of my "Gilligan's Island the 3rd Season DVD" the only thing I got accomplished was. Below, a list of things that get accomplished I did not is. Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not -Convince Kenobi that an actual sport, "Distance Spitting" is not. -Learn to speak Wiggerese, so that undertand what Young Skywalker is saying most of the time I can. -Become a professional Salsa dancer. -Track down that awful smell in the Temple that noticing I keep. -Get help for my Ben and Jerry's addiction. -Lose 2 pounds. Yes, ambitious that is, but getting portly I am. -Get my VCR to stop blinking "12:00". -Convince Windu that give up his My Little Pony collection, he must. -Smite down Dooku, then a jig on his grave, dance. -Convince Dolly Parton that in love with me, she is. -Convince Yaddle that her "Sweet Baboo" I am not. -Figure out a way to grow four feet taller. -Find out how many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop it takes. -Find a barber who a decent hair cut can give me. No good, bringing in that picture of George Clooney and saying, "Like this I would like to look", seems to do. Maybe accomplish these things next year I can. Of course, other goals for next year I have, so backed up I am. But take care of that, Metamucil usually does. (Hee hee! A little digestional humor that was!)

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

A stupid thing they have on TV shows now. For instance, one of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls is. Hey, judge me not! Anyway, a phrase they say at the beginning of every episode there is, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...". Then a montage of clips that summarize the entire series they will show. Longer this gets ever week. Soon, a whole episode of nothing but these clips they will have. Instead of saying, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...", say "In case never seen or heard of this show you have..", they should. Anyway, copied and repeated all stupid ideas deserve to be. So, here it is: Previously on Master Yoda's Blog... "Room to talk about my hair loss, Windu has not!" "Bought a dump I have! Nice in the brochure it looked." "Tell which Sith Lord is Oprah, can you? Tell I can not either." "To get me to join his zoo, he tried!" "As see you can, anger manangement issues I have." "Seen this man have you? Caught on tape stealing my wallet he was!" "Very serious and solumn, Jedi business is." "Help noticing this when walking past Yaddle's room, I could not." "This should teach Obi-wan to call me a girlie-man!" "Will the Wookiee eat my Cookie?" (The Youngling's favorite Dr. Seuss book, this is.) Enjoy this walk down Memory Lane did you? Very much I enjoyed it - have to think of something to write about I did not!

PIzza Delivery

Last night, the doorbell I heard, so to the door to answer it I went. A pizza delivery boy it was. Strange this was, because remember ordering pizza I did not. Also strange it was because vaguely familiar, this delivery boy looked. But put my finger on where I saw him before, I could not: "Pizza for a Mr. Yoda," he said. "Order any pizza I did not." "Not to worry, Old Bean... I mean, ahem, someone ordered it for you. It's paid for and everything." "Nice that was. Order it, who did?" "Does it matter?! Just eat the blasted thing!... I mean, uh, I'm dreadfully sorry, they didn't give me a name." Quite an attitude he had! Deserve the tip I gave him, he did not! Anyway, very excited about having pizza, the other Jedi were. I think something about the fact that serving something called Spam Loaf, the Temple cafeteria was, it had to do. Out it turns, eaten the Spam Loaf we should have. Go into detail I will not, but just say let me, very busy the plumbing in the temple was today. All day, constant lines to the restrooms, there were. Able to get anything accomplished today, we were not. Eat pizza from that place again, I will not!

A Pigsty This Place Is

Away on vacation, the Temple cleaning staff has been. Have their work cut for them when they get back, they will. Impossible to get Kenobi to clean up after himself it is. Even when a little he cleans, all wrong he does it. "Kenobi, sweep the kitchen floor like I told you, did you?" "Yep. Sure did." At that moment, a lump under one of the throw rugs I noticed. The rug I lifted up. "Kenobi! Told you how many times have I that just sweep the dirt under the rug you can not?" "But I seen Bugs Bunny do it lotsa times!" To clean the bathroom, Windu volunteered. Turn out well that did not. To clean the mirror, the first thing he did was. Four hours later, still cleaning the mirror he was. Probably keep cleaning off the smudge marks from him kissing it, he had to. Young Skywalker to do the laundry, I sent. A mistake that was. "Young Skywalker, remember to separate the colors and whites, did you?" "Check it, I ain't into all that segregatin' hatin', yo. That was all outlawed and stuff a long time ago!" "No, Young Skywalker, nothing like that this..." "And why you got to be a hater like 'at, anyway, Y? You some kinda laundry racist, yo?" "What?! No! Listen, all wrong you got..." "I thought you was all enlightened and spit!" Wait until the cleaning staff gets back I can not!

Ask Yoda

Answered many of your questions below I have. Charging you for this I should be. Usually have to sign up for the Jedi Academy then pass the grueling entrance exams you would have to before share with you this kind of wisdom I would. And of course, the hazing and Pledge Week there is. Easy you got off. From Your Comments: Jason wrote: I wonder what you would get if you mixed 2 extreme opposites like Windu and Kenobi together in to one person. Answer: Ready for this answer are you? If in the room, Younglings are, send them out now, you must. Out of the room, are they? OK.... + = Norton wrote: How do Stormtroopers go to the toilet? It doesn't look as if the armour is easy to remove, even with that big white codpiece. Answer: Norton, almost 900 years I have lived. Traveled the galaxy for centuries gathering much wisdom and experience I have. My immense wisdom I offer freely to you. And a question like this you ask me. Good choice. Standard issue for all Stormtroopers, Depends undergarments are. An important part of the every Stormtrooper's uniform they are. Of course, constantly take the Depends off when full they get, Stormtroopers can not. So built into their armor, a nozzle for a wet/dry vacuum hose is. Once a day, lined up the Stormtroopers are so that receive their vacuuming they can. Very efficient it is. Peter Twister wrote: Why always in inverted gramatical order do you speak? Answer: Nothing wrong with the way I speak, there is. Been speaking this way for almost 900 years I have. Maybe inverted your grammar is! Hmph! Peter Twister also wrote: Do you think the female of your same species that sits on the jedi council is hot? Answer: Of Master Yaddle you speak? Only 477 years old she is! Look at a young girl that way, I would not! A dirty old man I am not! Rob the cradle like that I would not! Scandalous that would be! Lt Cmdr Oneida: Do you have a Dolly Parton addiction support group that you go to? Answer: If wrong, being addicted to Dolly is, then want to be right I do not! From Your Emails "Dear Master Yoda, Here's a misc. question for your blog. Did you have a sit-&-spin when you were a kid? If not, are you mentally scarred by this deprivation? (I am) ... Oh the deprivation!!! " - Kathleen R. Answer: Padawan Kathleen, Obviously, issues you have. But empathize I can. A Sit-&-Spin I had not! Cheap knock-off toys my parents would buy me, so a Sit-&-Pretend-to-Spin I had. A round piece of cardboard it was. Set it on the ground, then sit on top of it, you were supposed to. Then imagine yourself spinning you had to. Rock my world it did not. -Master Yoda Like to thank everyone who submitted questions, I would. A question for Yoda, have you? Maybe advice you need? Post it in the comments here or email them to me you can. (On the right-hand side of this blog, my email address is.) Perhaps answer the question in my next Ask Yoda post I will.

My Frequent House Guest Part II

Wearing out his welcome, Chewbacca is. So poorly behaved he is, afraid to have company over I am. Keep him from jumping up on company we can not. And even want to talk about what he did to the Chancellor's leg, I do not! Not only that, today to the vet I had to take Chewie. An infection on his side he has, but stop licking it he would not. So with this the vet fit him: [Scroll down you must] As see you can, happy about this he is not. And fun to have a grouchy Wookiee around it is not! Wait until he leaves I can not.

My Frequent House Guest

Staying with us at the Temple the last couple of days, Chewbacca has been. The ideal houseguest he is not! Been chewing on my shoes again, he has. Break him of that habit, I can not. Constantly swatting him with a rolled-up newspaper I am. "No!" I say, "Bad Wookiee! Bad!" Only stop him for the moment that will. Then, the next thing I know, open the closet I will, and sitting there with my loafers in his mouth he is! Tried putting hot sauce in them I have. But out it turns that hot sauce he likes! Only chew on my shoes more it makes him! Then lick them afterward he will. Besides, sometimes forgotten that put the hot sauce there, I have. Then put my shoes on I will. Burn your skin that stuff will! Even when tear the shoes up he does not, left in a good condition they are not. Ever stepped in a bunch of Wookiee slobber, have you? Pleasant it is not! After my shoes I take off again, slide around I will because very slippery my feet become! I think next time to Coruscant Chewbacca comes, find a good kennel for him I will.

The Talk

Been looking forward to this day I have not. "Master Yoda?" "Yes, Harvey." "Where do babies come from?" "Well... uh, ahem... a good question that is, Harvey. You see, babies... Uh, smell something burning do you?" "No." "Oh, OK. That something was burning I thought. Talking about what, were we?" "Where babies come from." "Yes... Say, on TV one of your cartoons is, hmm?" "No." "Oh, OK. Sure you are that rather play with the other Younglings right now you would not?" "Yeah, I'm sure. I really wanna know where babies come from. Hey, why ya sweating so much, Master Yoda? Are ya hot or something?" "No, no, fine I am." "Is this a really hard question, Master Yoda? 'Cause if you don't know the answer, I can go ask Master Obi-wan..." "No! I mean, uh, no, alright that is. Answer your question I can. Old enough you are. Time for you to know the answer to this it is. Honest with you I will be. The truth I will tell you... Babies... the Stork brings." "But where does the Stork get them?" "That store we went to when some clothes I needed you remember, Babies R Us? Where the stork gets them, that is." "But where does the store get them?" "From the baby factory." "The baby factory? OK, but how do they - " "Alright, alright. All of it I made up. But very hard for me, just telling you is. I think maybe pictures I will draw." "Neat!" So a pad of pager I got out and picture I drew for Harvey to explain where babies come from. "What's that, Master Yoda? A giraffe?" "No, Harvey, a giraffe that is not. A stick-figure man that is." "Can you do a giraffe? 'Cause that's my favorite." "Focus you must Harvey. Pay attention as I draw you must." "Ok, sorry. I promise I'll pay real good attention... Oh wow! Ewww!" The same after this Harvey was not. The same after this I was not! I think the next time this question a Youngling asks me, just point him to an encyclopedia I will. More quickly that way, they learn.

Easy Being Green It Is Not

Easy being green it is not. If still I remain for too long, try to water me or move me next to a window someone will. Of course, at them I yell. Then say something like, "Eeek! A talking house plant!" they will. And tired I am of telling people that worried about them taking my Lucky Charms, I am not. A pot of gold I have not! Hear that do you? Besides, even look Irish to you, do I? Told this to Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I have. He said that other patients who have the same problem he has. So a support group he started. Every Tuesday we meet. Lately, pretty low attendance has been: A waste of time these things are. Know why I go to them I do not. Besides, first I always have to go. "Hello, Yoda my name is, and green I am." "Hi, Yoda." About the plant thing and the Lucky Charms I told the group. Very sympathetic they were. Then the next person's turn it was. "Hey ho, Kermit THE Frog here, and uh, I'm green." "Hi, Kermit." "Kermit," Steve said, "How have things been going for you lately?" "Oh, you know, I don't like to complain." "What did we say last week, Kermit, ol' buddy? You got the right to express your feelings. Go ahead." "Well, lately, I've been feeling a little down. I feel like I'm being manipulated, like I'm being controlled by someone else. That sounds kind of silly, I guess." "No," I said, "what you mean I understand." "Gosh, you mean you feel the same way?" "Lately I have not. But that way I used to feel all the time. Like controlling my movements someone else's hand was..." "Yeah," Kermit said,"like someone had their hand stuck up your-" "Say, Hulk, buddy," Steve interrupted, "You been sittin there the past several weeks and you haven't said anything. Don't ya think it's time for you to open up, there, pally?" "Hulk not comfortable sharing Hulk's feelings in front of puny frog and puny green monkey. Hulk not ready to step outside of Hulk's comfort zone." "I think it would do ya some good, there Champ. Besides, there's nobody here who's gonna judge you. Ain't that right, boys?" In agreement, Kermit and I nodded. "OK," Hulk said as up he stood, "Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk SMASH!" "Hold on there, Big Guy," Steve told him, "That's supposed to be 'Hello, my name is Hulk, and I'm green.' Go ahead, try it again." "Hulk sorry. So many words! So hard for Hulk to remember!" "It's OK, Sport. You can do it." "Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk is green." "Hi, Hulk," together we said. "Sometimes, Hulk feels like no one listens to Hulk. Sometimes, Hulk needs to be validated. But people ignore Hulk when Hulk talks! All Hulk wants from some puny humans is a little attention, but they don't give it to Hulk!" Steve interrupted, "And how does that make you feel, Big Guy?" "It makes Hulk mad! Hulk want to smash! But then the Denny's manager comes out says, 'Oh no, Hulk, you can't smash or else Hulk will have to leave and Hulk will not get his Grand Slam'! And Hulk gets even madder, because Hulk ordered Hulk's Grand Slam forty minutes ago and the waitress lady still hasn't brought it to Hulk! But all Hulk wants is a refill on Hulk's coffee while Hulk waits, but puny waitress lady hasn't come to Hulk's table for a long time even though she's looked right at Hulk a bunch of times and Hulk knows she knows Hulk's cup is empty! So then Hulk counts to ten and tries to find Hulk's happy place, like puny Spider doctor tells Hulk. But Hulk is still mad and Hulk still wants to smash!" "Very good, Hulk..." "Wait, puny Spider doctor! Hulk still needs to vent! It's even more frustratinger for Hulk because Hulk can only speak in the third person, and that even starts to annoy Hulk! Plus Hulk can only wear a pair of pants one time and then Hulk has to go buy a new pair because the old ones are ripped or stretched out! It all makes Hulk mad! Hulk wants to smash!" "Well," Steve said, "just make sure you use our special 'Smashing Pillow', alright there, Bud? I mean, this room is rented, know what I'm sayin' here?" See? A big waste of time it is. But cookies and punch we get at the end. So worth it is.

Interesting But Little Known Facts

A little known fact this is: give yourself a Force wedgie you can not. This I know because tried it I have. (Doing research I was! Weird I am not!) Like trying to tickle yourself it is, because do it you can not. Full of useful little nuggets of knowledge like that, my brain is. Share some of those nuggets with you now, I will. Even charge you for it I will not. Truly fortunate you are. Almost jealous of you I am. Here goes: Other Little Known Facts A very hollow sound Kenobi's head makes when a good smack you give it. Illegal to light a match near a farty bantha it is. The record for the largest quilt made entirely of navel lint (12' x 9'), Eileen Hufnagle of Rockport, Indiana holds. (Maybe next year, Kenobi.) Current law requires that disposed of by a government Hazmat (hazardous materials) team, Young Skywalkers' old shoes must be. Smell 80 different odors that humans can not, Wookiees can. Created by Wookiees themselves, 79 of those odors are. The first person to introduce Tofurkey to the Americas, a Pilgrim named John Henry Sadist was. Promptly beaten to death by the other Pilgrims he was. Interchangeable, scalp wax and ear wax are not. But if sneaky you are, know the difference until too late it is, Windu will not. Dolly Parton's real phone number, that number written on the McBurgerland's men's room wall is not! Take my word for it you can. Until legally changed he had it, "Wiggles" the "W" in George W Bush stood for. I know, grateful you must be now. Very enlightened you have become. Welcome you are.

Celebrity Jeopardy

Invited to go on Celebrity Jeopardy, I was. Say just let me that a challenge it was not. Alex: Ooh.. I'm sorry, Jessica, A Tale of Two Cities was not written by Dr. Seuss. Jessica: That's like, the only writer guy I know. Alex: No, I'm sorry, Mr. President, "fundamentaler" is not the answer we were looking for. In fact, it's not even a word. President Bush: If you're not with me you're against me, Alex. Too bad it is that for charity this was. Cleaned up, I could have. By the way, like to thank everyone who submitted questions for the next Ask Yoda, I would. Perhaps use them in the near future I will. If to sample some of my immense wisdom you would, email me or post a question in the comments to yesterday's Ask Yoda post you can.

Ask Yoda

Answer your questions here I will: From Actual Emails Andrew R writes: "Here's a load of miscellaneous questions. Are your Yoda shirts made by illegal immigrants in a sweatshop? Has he ever thought about switching to a cheaper brand of food for Bob, like Special Bantha from Wal-Mart? Tatooine is a desert planet, so what do banthas eat anyway? Sand? Jawas? What?" Andrew, here a load of miscellaneous answers are: 1)Absolutely not. Made by Padawan Younglings in the Jedi Temple attic, those T-shirts are. A "sweatshop" it is not. For instance, the other day, a window I cracked open for them for an hour or two. Also, sure I make that at least one fifteen minute break they get every eight or nine hours. 2)Finicky Bob is. Much worse than gas, the cheap brand gives him, if what I mean you know. 3)Based on a common misconception this question is. Commonly believed that rain on Tatooine it does not, it is. But correct that is not. You see only rain water it does not. But rain Pork n' Beans it does. So, when banthas grazing you see, grazing on the Pork n' Beans laying on the ground from the last shower, they are. Why so gassy they are, this explains. Lizzy M writes: "Who does the Jedi Council's hair? It must take Millenia to comb out Kenobi's beard." Answer: "Comb out his beard regularly, Kenobi does not. When combed out it is, bits of food, pens, pencils, and even small animals we find." A question for Yoda have you? Email them to me or post them in the comments you can. Perhaps answer them in an upcoming Ask Yoda post I will.

Road Trip

A speeder trip to the other side of Coruscant, some of us had to make today. Going with me, Kenobi and Harvey the Youngling were. Think of more pleasant things to do than taking a long speeder ride with those two, I can. On that list, getting stabbed in the eye with a rusty screwdriver is. "Use the bathroom now before we leave, you must," I told Harvey, "Because stopping I am not!" Then in the room, Yaddle stepped. All dressed up she was. Her make-up she put on, and brushed her hair was. "Going where, are you?" I asked her. "Going with you, I am," she said. Wookiee snot! Going to take forever to get there it was, now! A bladder the size of a sewing thimble, she has. Fifteen minutes into the trip: "Pull off at the next exit you must. To use the ladies' room I need." "What?! Just started we got! Hold it for a little longer you can." "Pull off at the next exit you will or a wet seat you will have." So off the Interplanet I exited and into a Stop and Slurp I pulled. "Doing what are you?" she asked. "Finding a bathroom for you I am." "Going to the ladies' room here I am not. Dirty their restrooms are." So around I drove, while for a McBurgerland I was looking. Finally one I found. Since clean it looked, out Yaddle got. "Master Yoda, can I get a McGreasy Burger? I'm hungry." "Hungry you can not be, Harvey. Right before we left, breakfast you had. Spoil your lunch it will if food you get now. Besides, want you eating in my speeder I do not." "I could go for a Cheerful Meal. They got some neat toys in 'em now." Kenobi said. "No! Definately eating in this speeder, you are not, Kenobi! But since here we are, to the restroom, take Harvey. The last time I am stopping this is!" In there for a long time, all three of them were. Thinking about going in after them I was. Then out all at once, they came. A Cheerful Meal, Kenobi and Harvey each had. Very angry I was. "Eat in the speeder you could not, I told you!" "Hungry the boys are. Just a little something to eat I bought them," Yaddle said. "But just thirty minutes ago they ate!" "Growing boys they are." "Thirty-four years old, Kenobi is!" "Thirty-four and a half." Kenobi corrected. Finally, back on the Interplanet we got. But hang out of the window while he ate, I made Kenobi. Going to get ketchup stains in my speeder he was not! Strictly I told them, "The last time we stop, this is!" Ten minutes later: "Master Yoda, I gotta go potty." "What?! Harvey, to go potty when we stopped at the McBurgerland, I told you!" "But I didn't need to, then." Then, Yaddle said, "To go I have to, too." The speeder ride that would never end, this was turning out to be. A perfectly good rest stop there was, but like it, Yaddle did not. "Going to the restroom with all of those truckers around, I am not." What she has against truckers, I know not. But take the next exit and hunt for another clean restroom I had to. When finally back on the Interplanet we got, the rest of the trip fighting, Kenobi and Harvey spent. At first, fighting about the toys in their Cheerful Meals, they were. Mad Kenobi was that the Wonder Wookie action figure instead of the Captain Typho action figure he got. Trade him, Harvey would not. Then stupid things they started fightin over. "Master Yoda, the fringes of his robe keep falling on my half of the seat!" "He keeps lookin out my window, instead of lookin out his own window!" "Stop fighting now, you two must! Pull this speeder over, I will!" And of course, a thousand times, this I heard, "Master Yoda, are we there, yet?" "No." "Are there now?" "No!" "How about now?" "Harvey! Stopped moving have we?" "Um, no." "Still in the speeder are we?" "Yeah." "Then there yet we are not! Sit back and be quiet you must!" "Oh, ok." "Good boy." "How about now? Are we there now?" "To stop again for the Ladies Room, I need." AAAAAAAAAAH! Next time, take the bus I will.

A Cold I Have

Developed a cold I have. At first, puzzled by this I was as very careful I am. But then clear it became. "Kenobi! I cold you had this week! Now Kenobi cooties I have! Been putting your lips on the water fountain again have you?" "No." "Lying to me are you?" "Yes." "Kenobi, told you how many times have I that put your lips on the water fountain you must not?" "Well, I ain't counted. Let me see here. There was that there time last Tuesday right before supper, then that there time last Tuesday after supper. Let me see, that's two times. Ok, then there was..." "Kenobi! A rhetorical question that was." "I told you over and over - I cain't speak Rhetorical!" "Kenobi, your sleeve let me see." "Uh, ok, here." Snnnnnnnnk!!!! Honk! "You just blew your nose on my sleeve!" "Hmm. Yes. The truth you speak." "What am I gonna use to blow my nose on, now?" "Thought of that you should have before your lips on the water fountain you put! Hmph!" Difficult, being the only responsible one around here, it is.

Deal-A-Doofus

Very long the Council meeting was today, and to stay awake through most of it I managed. Very proud of myself I was, but looking forward to taking my afternoon nap I was. Unfortunately, those six dreaded words Windu said: "I need to talk to you." "Windu," I sighed, "told you many times I have that getting wrinkles you are not. Too much you worry-" "No, man," Windu said, "I want to talk about Obi-wan. He's been putting on a few pounds lately. He's out of shape, especially for a Jedi. Heck, he's even out of shape by Hutt standards!" "Hmm, yes. The truth you speak. Appear to be working for him, that all-beer-and-Cheetos diet does not. Begun calling him Doughboy-wan Kenobi, the Younglings have. Unseemly for a Jedi it is." "Not only that, but it is seriously affecting his prettiness!" "Uh, yes. Suggest what do you?" "Oh, don't worry about that, I have a plan." Uh oh. An hour later, sitting in the living room watching the same episode of Hee Haw for the hundredth time and laughing at all the same jokes Kenobi was, when in Windu walks. "Obi-wan," Windu said, "as your friend, I have got to tell you, man, you're looking a little thick around the waist. I think you're cheating yourself - cheating yourself out of your full prettiness potential. But don't worry, someone's here who wants to meet you. He's a good friend of mine and he wants to help you, man - help you be all you can be." "I ain't talking to no Promise Keepers," Kenobi said. "Hey, what's wrong with... never mind. This man's not a Promise Keeper. He's helped a lot of people to achieve their optimal prettiness, and I know he can help you," Windu said, then toward the doorway he turned, "Ok, you can come on out now." Then, out stepped this man: "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii, Obi-wan!!" "Oh, I am so happy to meet you! Obi-wan, I want to tell you that you don't have to live with the hopelessness anymore. You are going to lose that weight, you are going to take off that fat, you are going to eat healthy, and most importantly, you are going to feel good about yourself. One day, you're going to turn around and Fat Obi-wan won't be here anymore. You can do this. I know you can." Bubbling over, this man was. Confused, Kenobi appeared. "You know, I don't much like huggin another guy like this." "And that's Ok. Do you know why? Because that's the way you feel, and that's ok. And that's what I want you to start telling yourself, that you're ok, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You need to start loving yourself. None of this will work unless you love yourself. Obi-wan, I want you to repeat after me, 'I'm ok, and I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead, say it." "Ok, but do you have to hold my hand like that while we do it?" "Never mind that now, that's not important. I want you to say, 'I'm OK.' Go ahead, say it." "I'm OK." "Now say, 'I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead." "Uh, I deserve not to be fat." "And 'I don't need to find love in a bag of Cheetos.'" "Hey, now wait a minute. Don't say nothin about my Cheetos." "Obi-wan, you're killing yourself, one Cheeto at a time. When you need a snack, you need to make a better choice." "I ain't givin up my Cheetos." "I just want you to make a better choice." "I ain't doin' it and quit rubbin' my shoulders!" "Obi-wan..." "No!" Spare you the entire argument I will, but just say I will that into a slap-fight it turned into, and with Richard Simmons getting body slammed on the floor, it ended. A big rug burn on his face he had, and sobbing loudly he was as he left. Compared to Windu's usual plans, say I would that every expectation this one fulfilled. ************* Checked out my T-shirt store yet, have you? On the left, the banner is. Take you there it will.

The Life That Would Be

So happy I am! A letter with Ed McMahon's picture on the envelope I just received! It turns out, already a winner I may be! Good news this is! Use a million credits I could. Expensive, Bob the Bantha's medical and psychological bills are. Retire from the Order I could. Spend my days on a nice beach somewhere, I could. Have to see Kenobi walk around the house in his tighty-whities scratching himself anymore I would not. No more spontaneous wrestling moves would I have to put up with. No more explaining Beetle Bailey to him every morning. And worry about Young Skywalker borrowing my speeder then leaving mysterious stains in it, I would not have to. Need to listen to him "keepin it real" with his gangsta slang, I would not. Share the bathroom with his vast array of hair accoutrements I would not need to. No more finding his Spider-man Underoos on the bathroom floor. And have to listen to Windu talk for hours at a time about how pretty he is, I would not. Never have to answer the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" anymore would I. No need to listen to his lectures about proper skin moisturization would there be. Yes... sniff. Put up with that stuff anymore I would not have to... Sniff ... Yes, pretty nice that would be... Maybe retire right away I would not. Yes, unfair to the Council that would be. Stay on for a while to train my replacement I would need to. Yes, take years that could. Shut up, Young Skywalker! Crying I am not! Something in my eye there is!

Stranded In the Bathroom I Was

"Stranded" in the bathroom I was again. For the toilet paper I reached, and no toilet paper there was. Once again, put another roll on the roller, the person who used the last piece did not! So annoying this is! Another round of Force-wedgies I will have to administer soon. Here, down around the ankles my pants were, so go get another roll, I could not. So using the Force, out I reached with my mind - down the hallway, around the corner, down the stairs, inside the supply closet, to the shelf on the left. Yes, sense the paper I could. For one of the rolls I reached. No, wait! The quilted kind that is not! The rough, sandpapery kind that is. Save it for Windu I must. To another box with my mind I reached. Yes, the soft, squeezable, quilted kind that was. With the Force, one of the rolls I pulled out. Float out of the closet, up the stairs and down the hallway towards me, I made it. Then, resistance I felt. So more forcefully I pulled the roll. Floating towards me it resumed. Finally, to me the roll came. Attached to it Kenobi. My pants I pulled up quickly, "Kenobi?! Doing what here, are you?" "I saw this roll of toilet paper floatin down the hallway, and I thought, you know, that's perty cool and all, but we're short on toilet paper as it is. We cain't afford to have toilet paper just floatin away and escapin on us. So I grabbed it, but it drug me all the way here." See I could that right he was. On his face, a big rug burn was. "Hurt did that not?" "Yeah, especially going up them stairs. I didn't know my head could get bumped so much and me still being alright." "Kenobi," I said, "just let go why did you not?" "'Cause ain't no roll of no toilet paper beat me yet, and and I wasn't about to let this one beat me, neither." With Kenobi, sometimes better not to ask too many questions it is.

Movie Night: Pride and Prejudice

Tonight, movie night it was. Unfortunately, Yaddle's turn to pick the movie it was. So Pride and Prejudice we had to see. Of course, delighted about this Windu was. The complete PBS miniseries on DVD he has. "Now that's a time when a man could be a pretty man, and wouldn't nobody say anything about it!" As thrilled about this, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, Harvey the Youngling, and I were not. Unless several explosions or car chases the movie contains, likely to enjoy it we are not. But of course, if in the movie Sandra Bullock is, be convinced to see it I possibly could be (tell Dolly do not). Before the movie, Harvey said that some popcorn he wanted. So to the concession stand I went. "One small popcorn, please," I said. "Ok, that'll be 27 credits." "No, a small popcorn I asked for." "Yeah, that'll be 27 credits." "No, just one bag of popcorn I want." "Yeah, I know. 27 credits." "But crazy that is!" "Well, for just half a credit more you could get the 'Extra Jumbo' size." "For that much, almost buy a popcorn farm I could." Go much better when looking for seats we were, it did not. "Um, Master Yoda," Harvey said, "I think I'm stuck to the floor." Know how he got his face stuck to the floor, I do not. Use the Force I had to so that separate Harvey from the chewed gum and dried soda I could. After awhile Kenobi said, "You know, I cain't follow this movie. It's so complicated. So many differnt actors. I don't know if it's supposed to be happenin in the past, right now, or in the future. And what's the deal with all them talkin animals and cartoon characters?" "That ain't the movie we're watchin, O-dawg," Young Skywalker said, "That's the previews, yo. The movie ain't started yet." Finally the previews ended, only twenty minutes after supposed to start the movie was. During the movie, the actress who played Lizzy I noticed. Very familiar she looked. Sure I was that seen her somewhere before I had: Then I realized that confusing her with Senator Amidala, I must have been. Look exactly like the senator this actress does not. But fool people into thinking she is the Senator, I bet she could. Get that a lot, she must. After a while, very bored I became. Know how much more of this girlie movie I could stand, I did not. Dragging on and on, this movie seemed to be. About to go crazy I was. "Master Yoda," Harvey said, "I'm so bored! How long has it been since the movie started?" At my watch I looked. "About 10 minutes." What?! Only 10 minutes?! A feeling I had that a very long evening this would be. So excuses to get up I kept coming up with. But after using the restroom twice and getting more Coke once, running out of excuses I was. Over to Yaddle I leaned. "Need more popcorn, do you?" "No, shhh!" she said. Fixated on the screen, she and Windu were. Fidgeting in his seat Harvey was. Very impatient he was getting. But that I understood. At this point, care if Lizzy was ever going to marry Mr. Darcy, I did not. "Master Yoda," Harvey asked, "why's everybody in the movie talkin funny? I can't understand anything they're saying." "Speaking with British accents they are. Now still you should sit and quiet you should be. Like Master Obi-wan you should... Kenobi! Stop that!" Throwing popcorn Kenobi was. To hit the head of a bald man who was sitting several rows in front of us, he was trying. Just then, up to us the theater manager came. "Sir," he said to Kenobi, "I'm going to have to ask you to surrender your popcorn or leave the theater." By dumping his popcorn on the manager, he responded. Seem to like that, the manager did not. Out of the theater he threw us. A sense of humor, some people have not. Pretty angry about this, Yaddle and Windu were. But grateful to Kenobi I was. I think go watch something with Clint Eastwood in it I will so that regain my manhood I can.

Relaxation Techniques

Stressed out today I was. Very tense. So to spray Kenobi with the pressure washer I decided. Very effective at relaxing me that is. A great stress reliever it is, yes. So relaxing for Kenobi that is not, but very clean it gets him. The only thing that can remove all those layers of Cheetos crust, it is. Of course, sometimes confused Kenobi is, because no reason for the pressure washing there appears to be. Make sumething up, then I have to. "Hey, whatya sprayin me for? I ain't done nothing this time!" "Nothing I know about, you mean. Sure I am that done something you must have. Just know about it I do not. So just in case, this is." Argue with that, he can not. Know what else relaxes me, do you? Making Kenobi dance for his supper. So relaxing to watch him actually try to dance, it is not. Actually, kind of painful that is. Kind of like a floppy, rhythm-less ragdoll he is. So normally at that point away I look. But very relaxing, the actual making of him dance, it is. Always fun, arguments with Windu are: "Know I do not, Windu, but prettier than you, Brad Pitt may be." "What?! Are you crazy? That boy doesn't even moisturize! There's not a shiny spot on his head! I... I... can't believe you would say something like that!" Of course, then gardening there is. Very relaxing for me, gardening is. The folding lawn chair I get out, and just watch the Younglings do it all day I can. Yes, many ways for me to relax there are.

Always In Motion the Future Is

Always in motion the Future is. Sometimes, let a Jedi know what may likely happen, the Force can. But show what definitely will happen, the Force cannot. Perhaps take comfort in that I can. Something truly terrible in a vision I saw today while meditating I was. Very awful, yes. To shake, this vision made me. Very upsetting it was. Face this future I can not. Like to see what I saw, would you? If you think that able to stand it you are, scroll down to see it you can. If younglings you have, send them out of the room you must. Too traumatic this image will be. Hmm, perhaps show you I should not. Sure you are that ready you are? Last chance to stop this is. OK, say do not that warn you I did not. Oh, too terrible it is. The end of the Universe it will be, Jar-Jar-Mageddon. ______________________ Inspired in part by this post. .

Programming the VCR

Out tomorrow while Matlock is on, I will have to be. Stop a Separtist incursion on to Kashyyyk I must. Usually, schedule my smiting for when on, Matlock is not, I try. But unavoidable this time, it was. So to program the VCR today I tried. Impossible that is! For an hour I fiddled with it. Figure it out I could not. So Windu I called over. A long time he messed with it. Finally, his hands he threw up, "I give up! I even applied my Positive Pretty Thinking to it, and I still can't figure this thing out!" Young Skywalker I called over. "I ain't never met a machine I couldn't figure out, yo," changed to, "Yo dawg, my brain don't feel too good right now. Seriously, yo. I think I sprained it or sumthin." So other members of the Jedi Council I called in. For a long time, they worked on it. Still get it to progam we could not. Also, some of the best scientists working for the Republic I called in too. Figure it out, even they could not. Desperate I was, so some of those super smart Kaminoans (Kaminoins?,Kaminians? Kaminonese?) who figured out how to clone people, I had flown in. At first, working out it was not. "This technology," one of the Kaminoans Lama Su said, "must come from a very advanced alien civilization. It is far too complex for us to figure out. Obviously, it was designed by and for beings who had a much higher capacity for thought than we have. Their brains must have been enormous." But still, for 3 more hours, the Kamino scientists and the Jedi Masters worked on it. Finally, one of the scientists said, "We've done it! We've cracked the code! This VCR is programmed! Now, Master Yoda, you may simply sit back and let this device do the rest." "Programmed it is?" "Yes! It will record your program for you to watch at your leisure." "Then figured it out, you have?" "Oh, yes. We're quite sure we have every little thing about this device figured out. "Then still flashing '12:00', why is it?" Eventually, dwindling the crowd was. After dinnertime it was, and still figured out how to program the VCR we had not. About that time, into the room Harvey the Youngling walked. "Whatsa matter, Master Yoda?" "Oh, program the VCR we can not. Impossible it is." "What time is your show on?" he asked. "1:00 pm tomorrow. Ask why do you?" "OK, it's all set. It's gonna record your show for you. Bye now." What the - ? At the VCR I looked. Flashing '12:00' anymore it was not. The menu I checked. Set to record Matlock it was. I think sick I am going to be.

Windu and His Weight

The other day, a sneaky thing we did. Yes, quite sneaky, Kenobi, Young Skywalker and I were. You see, when out Windu was, his full-length mirror we took out of his room. With one of those fun house mirrors that look fat it makes you, we replaced it. Hee Hee! A worried look on his face he had when out of his room he came that morning. The first person he spoke to, Kenobi was. "Tell me the truth, man, does my butt look big to you?" he said. Pleased with this question, Kenobi did not seem. "I ain't lookin' at no nother feller's butt!" he started to say, but instead what he said this was, "Well, I didn't want to say nuthin, but it does seem a little bigger'n usual." "What?!" A cow Windu almost had. "Oh, no, no, no! This will not stand! I must maintain my prettiness!" "Going where are you?" I asked, "Coming down to breakfast you are not?" "No time. I have to maintain The Pretty! I'm going down to run a couple of laps around the Temple." The next day, a mirror that even fatter makes a person look, we snuck in his room. Heard coming from his room, a girlish shriek could be. Over the course of the last week, tinkered with his bathroom scale we have. Now, several pounds it adds. Also, replaced all of his robes with much smaller ones we have. Today, on the elevator we all got. Like stuck it was, I acted. "Wait," I said, "a weight limit it has." At Windu we all looked. Off of the elevator he got. Then the button I pushed so up it went. Hee hee hee! Always sweaty from constant exercise he is now. Jumping jacks during Council meetings he does. Taking a "spinning" class he is. Know what that was I did not. That dizzy you would get from that, I thought. Then, what it is Windu explained to me. Need to take a class to learn to ride and exercise bike, why would anyone? No sense that makes. But the best thing, his diet is. Down to a diet of water and Tic Tacs, he is. But mess with him more I had to. "Fat free water are you drinking, Windu?" "What?! Isn't all water fat free?" "Say 'fat free' on the label, does it?" "No." "Then fat free it must not be." "Holy Mother of Jabba! I might as well have been drinking some kind of fat-juice this whole time! I'm going to go buy some fat free water right now!" Still looking he is. Imagine the look on the clerks' faces I can, when 'fat free' water he asks for! Hee hee hee hee! I think a pang of guilt I just felt. No wait. Indigestion that was.

Noise Pollution in the Jedi Temple - Part II

Want to have to do this I did not. But no choice these doofuses left me! No peace and quiet could I get! Still, perhaps too severe this punishment was. Maybe too cruel of me it was. Maybe gone too far this time I have. Judge for yourself you can. This man I brought in, so that sing in the Temple hallways he could: [Scroll down you must] [For some of you, too upsetting this picture may be.] Sing through a loud-speaker in the hallway between the rooms of the doofuses I talked about yesterday, I had him. Running out of their rooms with their hands on their ears, they came. "For the love of all that is good and decent, make it stop!" Windu pleaded, "Please make it stop!" But only half-way through his first album "Knight Lover", he was. Even gotten to "Life Is Mostly Beautiful With You" yet, he had not. Like to interrupt someone when working he is, I do not. At one point, laying on the floor in the fetal position, Young Skywalker was. "I'm losing the will to live, yo." I thought maybe a good time to stop that was. "Ok," I told the man, "Stop now you can." "Ok, pal. But I haven't even gotten to my 'Everybody Sunshine' album yet," he said. My earplugs I took out, "Sorry. What say did you?" "Don't you want to hear 'Everybody Sunshine'?" "Maybe next time. Bring the car next time you must." A while for the Jedi to get back their equillibrium, it took. Perhaps too cruel this was. But now make so much noise those doofuses do not anymore. So less annoyed I am, and the most important thing that is.

Noise Pollution In the Jedi Temple

Too noisy around here it is. Some peace and quiet I need. In the next room, chatting on the phone with Senator Amidala, Windu is. Talking about nothing important they are. Swapping skin-care tips and trading gossip they are. Almost like "girlfriends" they have become. Weirding me out, it is. In another room, watching wrestling while listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kenobi is. Yelling loudly at the TV he is, "Get up, Booker T! You can do it! Watch out for that feller behind you with the chair! Oh no! How could you miss that, Ref?! Why'd ya let that other feller distract ya? Didn't ya see the guy with the chair?!" Better than to play his music loud enough for me to hear, Young Skywalker knows now. Instead, rapping to himself he is: "Yo I'm the Chosen One Best of all Jedis I'm the Chosen One Try me on for size I'm the Chosen One You can feast your eyes I'm the Chosen One Better recognize wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky" So annoying it would not be if make the "wicky wicky wicky" sound he did not. Going to have to take drastic measures just to get some peace and quiet I am. ************ Some confusion about the T-shirt store there was. Written above the ad, "Sold Out I Have" my Stupid Intern had. Meant that sold out of T-shirts I had that did not! A stupid joke by my Stupid Intern that was. That sold out to commercialism I had he meant. Stupid Intern! Anyway, plenty of T-shirts there are.

Take How Much Humiliation Can I?

So to the convenience store on the corner to get Yaddle's feminine products I went yesterday. Doing that I hate. So humiliating it is. Anyway, determined not to be recognized I was, but for some reason uncomfortable my little disguise made Asok, the cashier: "Oh, no, no, no," the clerk said, "Please do not shoot me, sir! I will gladly give you all the money in the cash register!" "No," I said, "A stick-up this is n-" "Yes, yes. I completely understand. Please, take the cash and go!" To convince him that holding him up I was not, I tried. But work it did not. Finally, the store I left. But as walking out the door I was, suddenly surrounded by cops I found myself. Apparently, hit some kind of panic button, Asok had. "Put down the cane, and put your hands in the air!" one of them yelled. Pointing their blasters at me they were. "A misunderstanding this is!" I said. "I said, put the cane down, now!" My 'dangerous weapon' I put down and my hands I put up. To handcuff me one of the officers tried. But I decided that use the Jedi Mind trick on him I would. My hand I waved. "A mistake this is," I said, "Been committed here, no crime has. Let me go you will." "Sir, are you going to cooperate," the officer asked, "or am I going to have to get out my Tazer?" Ok, Plan B. "A mistake this is. Been committed here no crime has. Let me go you will." "This is a mistake," the cop said, "No crime has been committed here. You're free to go." But still, Yaddle's feminine products I had not bought. So to a different store I went. This time, no mask I used. I hoped that maybe get in and out of there quickly I could. Crowded the store was. Discreet I tried to be when up to the counter I went. "Excuse me," I whispered, "the kind with the wings these are?" "I don't know," the man behind the counter said, then loudly he yelled to someone in the back of the store, "Hey Larry, are these the Maxis with the wings?" "No!" I said, "Shhh!" Looking at me everyone was. "Yeah," he kept yelling, "this little guy right wants to know." "Hey," one of the customers said, "aren't you Master Yoda?" "No, no. Yoda I am not. Just like him I look. A common mistake that is." "Hey everybody, it's Master Yoda of the Jedi Council!" My worst nightmare this was turning out to be. Finally, the product I bought. That my humiliation was over, I figured. But outside the door, paparazzi were waiting. This picture they snapped: On the cover of the National Inquisitor it will be. I think just shoot myself I will.