Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Deal-A-Doofus

Very long the Council meeting was today, and to stay awake through most of it I managed. Very proud of myself I was, but looking forward to taking my afternoon nap I was. Unfortunately, those six dreaded words Windu said: "I need to talk to you."

"Windu," I sighed, "told you many times I have that getting wrinkles you are not. Too much you worry-"

"No, man," Windu said, "I want to talk about Obi-wan. He's been putting on a few pounds lately. He's out of shape, especially for a Jedi. Heck, he's even out of shape by Hutt standards!"

"Hmm, yes. The truth you speak. Appear to be working for him, that all-beer-and-Cheetos diet does not. Begun calling him Doughboy-wan Kenobi, the Younglings have. Unseemly for a Jedi it is."

"Not only that, but it is seriously affecting his prettiness!"

"Uh, yes. Suggest what do you?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I have a plan."

Uh oh.

An hour later, sitting in the living room watching the same episode of Hee Haw for the hundredth time and laughing at all the same jokes Kenobi was, when in Windu walks. "Obi-wan," Windu said, "as your friend, I have got to tell you, man, you're looking a little thick around the waist. I think you're cheating yourself - cheating yourself out of your full prettiness potential. But don't worry, someone's here who wants to meet you. He's a good friend of mine and he wants to help you, man - help you be all you can be."

"I ain't talking to no Promise Keepers," Kenobi said.

"Hey, what's wrong with... never mind. This man's not a Promise Keeper. He's helped a lot of people to achieve their optimal prettiness, and I know he can help you," Windu said, then toward the doorway he turned, "Ok, you can come on out now."

Then, out stepped this man:








"Hiiiiiiiiiiiii, Obi-wan!!"




"Oh, I am so happy to meet you! Obi-wan, I want to tell you that you don't have to live with the hopelessness anymore. You are going to lose that weight, you are going to take off that fat, you are going to eat healthy, and most importantly, you are going to feel good about yourself. One day, you're going to turn around and Fat Obi-wan won't be here anymore. You can do this. I know you can." Bubbling over, this man was.

Confused, Kenobi appeared. "You know, I don't much like huggin another guy like this."

"And that's Ok. Do you know why? Because that's the way you feel, and that's ok. And that's what I want you to start telling yourself, that you're ok, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You need to start loving yourself. None of this will work unless you love yourself. Obi-wan, I want you to repeat after me, 'I'm ok, and I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead, say it."

"Ok, but do you have to hold my hand like that while we do it?"

"Never mind that now, that's not important. I want you to say, 'I'm OK.' Go ahead, say it."

"I'm OK."

"Now say, 'I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead."

"Uh, I deserve not to be fat."

"And 'I don't need to find love in a bag of Cheetos.'"

"Hey, now wait a minute. Don't say nothin about my Cheetos."

"Obi-wan, you're killing yourself, one Cheeto at a time. When you need a snack, you need to make a better choice."

"I ain't givin up my Cheetos."

"I just want you to make a better choice."

"I ain't doin' it and quit rubbin' my shoulders!"

"Obi-wan..."

"No!"

Spare you the entire argument I will, but just say I will that into a slap-fight it turned into, and with Richard Simmons getting body slammed on the floor, it ended. A big rug burn on his face he had, and sobbing loudly he was as he left. Compared to Windu's usual plans, say I would that every expectation this one fulfilled.

*************
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Comments on "Deal-A-Doofus"

 

Blogger Jason said ... (2:57 AM) : 

LOL! I have a way to get him to skinny up master Yoda. Shrink his wrestling gear and tell him the WWE only accepts fit people. Plus if he gets fit he'll be able to eat MORE cheetos

 

Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (8:08 AM) : 

That ended worse than that one time Simmmons was on David Letterman.

"Doughboy-wan Kenobi," too funny.

 

Blogger Jabafatboy said ... (9:10 AM) : 

This Individual was on My planet for awhile, But the Hutt council , after much consideration, ( about 2 minutes )
gave him 1 hr to get out of the system or be used for a speed bump.

 

Blogger Wedge Antillies said ... (10:32 AM) : 

That was funny! Yes, Mr. Kenobi is looking a little paunch. The only other thing to try is get him interested in girls, but I hear your jedi don't do that sort of thing.

 

Blogger Kathy said ... (11:53 AM) : 

That was great! Bein' from the original home of Hee-Haw, I saw that one comin'.

 

Anonymous Jaina Solo said ... (12:10 PM) : 

Humm... I dunno bought Obi getting fat, I mean, beards can make a person look soooo different. Shave it off and you might just solve the fat porblem. It would stop the Cheeto dust getting caught in it and as Mace would say, he would be achiving his "full prettiness potential" Plus I think the female Jedi might "discover" their interest in Obi. I know I would! ;P

 

Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said ... (12:12 PM) : 

Well, there is the tried and true method of excercise. Stick him on a treadmill, and then hang a bag of cheetos in front of him, but just out of reach. Unless he's too smart for that.

 

Blogger Master Yoda said ... (12:30 PM) : 

A good idea, the Cheetos on the treadmill might be. Ever heard Kenobi described as "to smart for" anything, I have not.

 

Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said ... (2:29 PM) : 

I guess Simmonds will mark this mission as a 'failure'.

 

Blogger trinamick said ... (3:12 PM) : 

You know, I don't think ole Dick Simmons is the best role model anyway. Do you really want Kenobi wearing short shorts and chanting, "I'm a pony! I'm a pony!"?

 

Blogger Lt. Cmdr Oneida said ... (7:42 PM) : 

*shuddershuddershudder* my mind!!!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (7:55 PM) : 

A few force-wedgies might do the trick, or have you already tried that?

 

Blogger Professor Xavier said ... (10:06 PM) : 

Well at least Simmons didn't cry. Sometimes that guy doesn't seem to be all that manly, if you know what I mean.

 

Blogger Nic said ... (10:19 PM) : 

Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! Classic Master Yoda.

Berk, interesting idea. Good way to mess with the itty bitty mind that Obi has.

 

Blogger Brad (not Beavis) said ... (10:48 PM) : 

ahh, just wait until Mace and OB1 decide that 'Sweatin' to the Oldies' is just what you need to perk up.

 

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