I promised you people I would tell you about my career with the Ice Capades. Well I'm going to do just that with this post. You had better be prepared, because I am telling you - you will be moved. You will laugh, you will cry, you will be inspired.
The Ice Capades. Man, those were the days - the Golden Age of Mace! It was years ago, but it was a time when I could really throw myself out there. You know, bare my soul to the people. Let me tell you, there is nothing more thrilling than having your naked soul out there on the ice skating in front of all those people.
Of course, for a while, I wasn't as "out there" as I'd like to be. I mean, I spent the first several years of my career as the back half of Mr. Snuffleupagus in Sesame Street on Ice. I'm telling you, this was even less fun than it sounds. For one thing, let's just say that Larry, the man who was in the front half of the costume, was not what you would call a "bather". Do you know how hard it is to concentrate and skate your heart out when you have to put up with that funk? Do you?
But I would not be deterred. I persevered. I poured my heart into that role. Every night before the performance I would repeat my mantra, "I am Mr. Snuffleupagus' butt. Be the butt." Since you're not educated, I'll tell you, that's what you call "method acting". I was determined to be the best Snuffleupagus butt the world has every known! And I was, too! There were nights when I knew I had blown the audience away. I couldn't see them, but I could hear the crowd roar with applause. And I knew it was for me. It wasn't for Elmo. It wasn't for Big Bird. No sir! It was for me, Mr. Snuffleupagus' butt!
I just knew that if I applied myself, if I believed in my own prettiness, that someday I would be promoted to the front half of Snuffy. Then, one day, Larry got into some legal trouble (something about a DUI and unpaid child-support). Finally, I thought, now is my big chance! But it was not to be. Instead of promoting me to the front half, they replaced Larry with some nobody who just walked in off the street! I was mortified, insulted, offended, and nullified!
I quit man! I decided to take my prettiness to someone who would appreciate it. I had had enough of the disrespect, the mistreatment, the lack of appreciation. I knew I needed to be somewhere classier, somewhere my talents could really be put to use. So I auditioned for Disney on Ice. They had an opening for Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. I knew this would be my big break. I went out on the rink and skated like there was no tomorrow! I was on fire! And dang, I looked good!:
But that's how dreams get shattered, man. I skated better than any of those amatuers who auditioned. I understood the character. I was the candelabra. But they went with some one else, some half-wit who couldn't have been nearly as pretty as me.
So I decided to come back to the Jedi Order. In other words, I gave up on life, man. But I had to pay the rent some way. I had to decide between homelessness and spending the rest of my life listening to Yoda talk about his vericose veins. I'm still not sure I made the right choice.
Anyway, Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. I think I'm going to go have a good cry.