Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not

A year of hopes and dreams for me, this year was going to be. Going to get many things accomplished I was. Unfortunately, finally watching all of my "Gilligan's Island the 3rd Season DVD" the only thing I got accomplished was. Below, a list of things that get accomplished I did not is. Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not -Convince Kenobi that an actual sport, "Distance Spitting" is not. -Learn to speak Wiggerese, so that undertand what Young Skywalker is saying most of the time I can. -Become a professional Salsa dancer. -Track down that awful smell in the Temple that noticing I keep. -Get help for my Ben and Jerry's addiction. -Lose 2 pounds. Yes, ambitious that is, but getting portly I am. -Get my VCR to stop blinking "12:00". -Convince Windu that give up his My Little Pony collection, he must. -Smite down Dooku, then a jig on his grave, dance. -Convince Dolly Parton that in love with me, she is. -Convince Yaddle that her "Sweet Baboo" I am not. -Figure out a way to grow four feet taller. -Find out how many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop it takes. -Find a barber who a decent hair cut can give me. No good, bringing in that picture of George Clooney and saying, "Like this I would like to look", seems to do. Maybe accomplish these things next year I can. Of course, other goals for next year I have, so backed up I am. But take care of that, Metamucil usually does. (Hee hee! A little digestional humor that was!)

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

A stupid thing they have on TV shows now. For instance, one of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls is. Hey, judge me not! Anyway, a phrase they say at the beginning of every episode there is, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...". Then a montage of clips that summarize the entire series they will show. Longer this gets ever week. Soon, a whole episode of nothing but these clips they will have. Instead of saying, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...", say "In case never seen or heard of this show you have..", they should. Anyway, copied and repeated all stupid ideas deserve to be. So, here it is: Previously on Master Yoda's Blog... "Room to talk about my hair loss, Windu has not!" "Bought a dump I have! Nice in the brochure it looked." "Tell which Sith Lord is Oprah, can you? Tell I can not either." "To get me to join his zoo, he tried!" "As see you can, anger manangement issues I have." "Seen this man have you? Caught on tape stealing my wallet he was!" "Very serious and solumn, Jedi business is." "Help noticing this when walking past Yaddle's room, I could not." "This should teach Obi-wan to call me a girlie-man!" "Will the Wookiee eat my Cookie?" (The Youngling's favorite Dr. Seuss book, this is.) Enjoy this walk down Memory Lane did you? Very much I enjoyed it - have to think of something to write about I did not!

PIzza Delivery

Last night, the doorbell I heard, so to the door to answer it I went. A pizza delivery boy it was. Strange this was, because remember ordering pizza I did not. Also strange it was because vaguely familiar, this delivery boy looked. But put my finger on where I saw him before, I could not: "Pizza for a Mr. Yoda," he said. "Order any pizza I did not." "Not to worry, Old Bean... I mean, ahem, someone ordered it for you. It's paid for and everything." "Nice that was. Order it, who did?" "Does it matter?! Just eat the blasted thing!... I mean, uh, I'm dreadfully sorry, they didn't give me a name." Quite an attitude he had! Deserve the tip I gave him, he did not! Anyway, very excited about having pizza, the other Jedi were. I think something about the fact that serving something called Spam Loaf, the Temple cafeteria was, it had to do. Out it turns, eaten the Spam Loaf we should have. Go into detail I will not, but just say let me, very busy the plumbing in the temple was today. All day, constant lines to the restrooms, there were. Able to get anything accomplished today, we were not. Eat pizza from that place again, I will not!

A Pigsty This Place Is

Away on vacation, the Temple cleaning staff has been. Have their work cut for them when they get back, they will. Impossible to get Kenobi to clean up after himself it is. Even when a little he cleans, all wrong he does it. "Kenobi, sweep the kitchen floor like I told you, did you?" "Yep. Sure did." At that moment, a lump under one of the throw rugs I noticed. The rug I lifted up. "Kenobi! Told you how many times have I that just sweep the dirt under the rug you can not?" "But I seen Bugs Bunny do it lotsa times!" To clean the bathroom, Windu volunteered. Turn out well that did not. To clean the mirror, the first thing he did was. Four hours later, still cleaning the mirror he was. Probably keep cleaning off the smudge marks from him kissing it, he had to. Young Skywalker to do the laundry, I sent. A mistake that was. "Young Skywalker, remember to separate the colors and whites, did you?" "Check it, I ain't into all that segregatin' hatin', yo. That was all outlawed and stuff a long time ago!" "No, Young Skywalker, nothing like that this..." "And why you got to be a hater like 'at, anyway, Y? You some kinda laundry racist, yo?" "What?! No! Listen, all wrong you got..." "I thought you was all enlightened and spit!" Wait until the cleaning staff gets back I can not!

Ask Yoda

Answered many of your questions below I have. Charging you for this I should be. Usually have to sign up for the Jedi Academy then pass the grueling entrance exams you would have to before share with you this kind of wisdom I would. And of course, the hazing and Pledge Week there is. Easy you got off. From Your Comments: Jason wrote: I wonder what you would get if you mixed 2 extreme opposites like Windu and Kenobi together in to one person. Answer: Ready for this answer are you? If in the room, Younglings are, send them out now, you must. Out of the room, are they? OK.... + = Norton wrote: How do Stormtroopers go to the toilet? It doesn't look as if the armour is easy to remove, even with that big white codpiece. Answer: Norton, almost 900 years I have lived. Traveled the galaxy for centuries gathering much wisdom and experience I have. My immense wisdom I offer freely to you. And a question like this you ask me. Good choice. Standard issue for all Stormtroopers, Depends undergarments are. An important part of the every Stormtrooper's uniform they are. Of course, constantly take the Depends off when full they get, Stormtroopers can not. So built into their armor, a nozzle for a wet/dry vacuum hose is. Once a day, lined up the Stormtroopers are so that receive their vacuuming they can. Very efficient it is. Peter Twister wrote: Why always in inverted gramatical order do you speak? Answer: Nothing wrong with the way I speak, there is. Been speaking this way for almost 900 years I have. Maybe inverted your grammar is! Hmph! Peter Twister also wrote: Do you think the female of your same species that sits on the jedi council is hot? Answer: Of Master Yaddle you speak? Only 477 years old she is! Look at a young girl that way, I would not! A dirty old man I am not! Rob the cradle like that I would not! Scandalous that would be! Lt Cmdr Oneida: Do you have a Dolly Parton addiction support group that you go to? Answer: If wrong, being addicted to Dolly is, then want to be right I do not! From Your Emails "Dear Master Yoda, Here's a misc. question for your blog. Did you have a sit-&-spin when you were a kid? If not, are you mentally scarred by this deprivation? (I am) ... Oh the deprivation!!! " - Kathleen R. Answer: Padawan Kathleen, Obviously, issues you have. But empathize I can. A Sit-&-Spin I had not! Cheap knock-off toys my parents would buy me, so a Sit-&-Pretend-to-Spin I had. A round piece of cardboard it was. Set it on the ground, then sit on top of it, you were supposed to. Then imagine yourself spinning you had to. Rock my world it did not. -Master Yoda Like to thank everyone who submitted questions, I would. A question for Yoda, have you? Maybe advice you need? Post it in the comments here or email them to me you can. (On the right-hand side of this blog, my email address is.) Perhaps answer the question in my next Ask Yoda post I will.

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - Dagobah (Part 2)

Continued from yesterday's post Hey guys, Ty Pennington here again. As you can see, we've still got a lot of work to do on Yoda's house before he comes back from Dollywood! We've got big plans for it! We've got to completely demolish this place and make it bantha-friendly! We're going to add on two more stories, a speeder garage, a bedroom for Bob the Bantha, and a whole bunch of cool stuff! This place is gonna rock! Have I mentioned how excited I am? Let's see how everybody's doing: Episode Transcript Ty: [into megaphone] Paul, how's the furniture coming along? Have you got that one-foot-tall pool table built yet? Paul (Carpentry/Nuts & Bolts): You know, the megaphone bit is getting a little old. Ty: [into megaphone] Come on, Paul! I thought you'd be farther along by now! Let's go! Paul: Farther along? Farther along?! Look who you sent to help me!: Paul: How do you expect me to get anything done like this? Ty: [into megaphone] That's not my problem! Come on! Let's go! Let's go! [runs frenetically to Michael (Designer Interior/Glamour)] Michael! What's the hold up? lets's go! Come on! Michael: Hey, I was going to tour the swamp to find some nice swampy things to use in decorating the house, but this place is so gross! Who knew there'd be so much mud in a swamp! I mean, eww! Just look at my shoes! Ty: Ok, well it's not going so well here. Let's see how Yoda's doing at Dollywood: Ty: Great! He looks like he's having an awesome time! Let's give him a call and tell him how things are going here. [on phone] Yoda! It's Ty! Yoda: [on phone] Hello, Ty. Ty: How are things going in Dollywood? You having a great time? Yoda: Seen Dolly I have not. Supposed to be here sometime, is she? To meet her I would... Ty: Hey, we're picking out the carpet for your living room and I need your opinion. Would you like bright orange or school bus yellow? Yoda: What?! No, like either... Ty: Sorry, Yoda, you're breaking up. I gotta go. Have a great time! [hangs up phone] Ha! Ha! Man, I love messin' with people! It's fun! Later... Ty: Holy smokes! We've got two hours until Yoda and Bob come home! [Into megaphone] Two hours, people! Two hours!! [Runs frantically over to the landscaping crew.] [Into megaphone] Two hours!! Come on, lay that turf!! Lay it!! Lay it!! Two hours!! Two hours!! [Does cartwheels over to Constance] [Into megaphone] Two hours!! We have to get this done in two hours, people!! [Walks on hands over to Michael and shouts into megaphone.] Come on!! Move it!! Move it!! We've got two hours! Let's go!! [Leaps on top of a giant pile of lumber. Does a backflip off of the pile and onto Paul's work bench. Shouts into megaphone.] Two hours!! We've got - Paul: [Yanks megaphone from Ty's hand, throws it to the ground and crushes it with his foot.] Ty: Hey, that was my megaphone, dude. That wasn't cool. But it doesn't matter, because I always carry a spare! [Into megaphone] Two hours, people! Later, Yoda's and Bob's Arrival Ty: Wooooo!!!! Welcome back, Yoda! Are you ready to see your new house! Yoda: Yes, ready I am. Ty: [Into megaphone] Bus driver, move that bus!! [Bus tires spin in mud. Bus does not move forward] Ty: [Into megaphone] I said, bus driver, move that bus!! [Bus spins tires again. No forward movement.] Ty: OK, Guys! The bus is stuck! Come on! Let's try to push it out! Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try. [Cast and crew gather at the back of the bus and push. After an hour, they give up.] Ty: It's too big. Yoda: Size matters not. [Waves hand. Moves bus out of the way with the Force. Yoda's house is revealed.] Ty: So, Yoda, whatta ya think, man?! Yoda: Uh, exactly the same as before, it looks. Ty: Yeah, here's the thing - we're all afraid of snakes. Every last one of us. And you're place is crawlin' with them! There's no way I'm going near that place! Yoda: But... Ty: But hey, that's not all we had planned! Like we bought all these cool appliances and electronics for you from Sears! Yoda: Ok, then, not so bad... Ty: Yeah, but the truck that was delivering them got stuck in the mud miles away from here. They had to use the jumbo-screen HD plasma TV as a ramp to get the truck out. Yoda: But... Ty: But hey, don't worry, Big Guy. We put together a special surprise for you. We heard how much you love Dolly Parton... Yoda: [Gasping] Here, Dolly is?!! Ty: Well, that's what he had planned. But it turns out she's afraid of snakes too. So we got someone else to sing for us: Hasselhoff: Hey, Yoda, old Buddy. This next song's especially for you. Ty: So whatta ya think, Yoda? Is this cool or what? Yoda: Want to know what I think, do you? [Waves hand.] Ty: Ow! Hey, how did my Calvin Klein bikini thong ride up so far all of the sudden? [Constance, Paul, and Michael start to cry sentimentally as David Hasselhoff sings "Everybody Sunshine".] Michael: It's really a great feeling to be able to change someone's life like this. Even though we did absolutely nothing for Yoda, I think he's really grateful. You could see it in his eyes. [Starts to cry.] Constance: When David Hasselhoff came out and sang "Everybody Sunshine", I thought we were all going to lose it. It was so special. This is something Yoda and Bob will never forget. [Starts to cry.] Paul: I'm serious. If Pennington doesn't lose that &@*$ megaphone, I'm quitting. I don't give a crap. Ty: Just to see everyone come together to help this family, even though we didn't do anything, just makes it all worthwhile. It was well worth the Force-wedgie. I'd do it all over again. Yoda: Want me to say what, do you? Understand I do not... Say what, did you? To talk about how grateful I am you want me? Grateful? Grateful for what I am supposed to be?! Dollywood? A life time pass I already have. Been there 10 time this year already I have. The same stupid house I have. Get to meet Dolly I did not. To a Hasselhoff concert you subjected me. Grateful you should be if give you a Force-wedgie I do not! THE END

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - Dagobah

Hey, how's it goin'? Ty Pennington here and I'm with the entire crew of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. We've taken over Master Yoda's blog because we're about to give him the surprise of his life! We're gonna renovate his vacation home on Dagobah! Man, I'm excited!! Episode Transcript: [On Crew Bus] Ty: Ok, guys, we've got a really deserving Jedi Master that needs our help. Check out this video. While you do that, I'm gonna go inject sugar and caffeine into my veins. [Excerpt From Submission Video] Yoda: ... and so a very serious gas problem Bob the Bantha has. Able to say [spells it out] p-i-c-k-l-e around here, we can not, or else fart like a canon he will. A big, stinky canon, yes. Tormented by nightmares he is. Seeing a psychiatrist for some time he has been now. On Prozac he has to be because a nervous problem he has. Very expensive that is. Raising him by myself, I am. Very hard it is. [On Bus] Constance (Designer Building/Planning): [Crying] That just breaks your heart. Michael M. (Designer Interiors/Glamour): [Also crying] We have to help this family. [Crew bus pulls up in front of house. Crew jumps out] Ty: [Shouting into megaphone] Yoda Family, come on out!! Come on wake up! Get outta there! Woooo!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! Yeah, baby!!!! Come on!! Wooooooo!!! Yoda: [Comes to door in underwear. Wipes eyes.] What the - ? Seven a.m. it is. Ty: [Shouting into megaphone] That's right, baby! We're all here because we are gonna make over your house! Wooooo!!!!! Yoda: Six inches from my face you are. Necessary the megaphone is? [Rest of crew runs to meet Yoda] Yoda: Thank you, thank you. All of this I appreciate. Uh, a hugger I am not, but thank you anyway. Ty: Yoda, we saw the video you sent us and we know about the difficulties you've had raising a bantha with special needs... So, we're gonna totally renovate your house, dude! And besides that, while we're working on your house, we're sending you and Bob all the way to the Great Smoky Mountains where you guys can have a great time at Dollywood! How's that sound? Are you excited?! Yoda: Yes, very excited I... Ty: Well, I'm excited! Woo-hooooo!!!! [Into megaphone] LET THE RENOVATION BEGIN!!! Continued on tomorrow's post.

My Frequent House Guest Part II

Wearing out his welcome, Chewbacca is. So poorly behaved he is, afraid to have company over I am. Keep him from jumping up on company we can not. And even want to talk about what he did to the Chancellor's leg, I do not! Not only that, today to the vet I had to take Chewie. An infection on his side he has, but stop licking it he would not. So with this the vet fit him: [Scroll down you must] As see you can, happy about this he is not. And fun to have a grouchy Wookiee around it is not! Wait until he leaves I can not.

My Frequent House Guest

Staying with us at the Temple the last couple of days, Chewbacca has been. The ideal houseguest he is not! Been chewing on my shoes again, he has. Break him of that habit, I can not. Constantly swatting him with a rolled-up newspaper I am. "No!" I say, "Bad Wookiee! Bad!" Only stop him for the moment that will. Then, the next thing I know, open the closet I will, and sitting there with my loafers in his mouth he is! Tried putting hot sauce in them I have. But out it turns that hot sauce he likes! Only chew on my shoes more it makes him! Then lick them afterward he will. Besides, sometimes forgotten that put the hot sauce there, I have. Then put my shoes on I will. Burn your skin that stuff will! Even when tear the shoes up he does not, left in a good condition they are not. Ever stepped in a bunch of Wookiee slobber, have you? Pleasant it is not! After my shoes I take off again, slide around I will because very slippery my feet become! I think next time to Coruscant Chewbacca comes, find a good kennel for him I will.

The Talk

Been looking forward to this day I have not. "Master Yoda?" "Yes, Harvey." "Where do babies come from?" "Well... uh, ahem... a good question that is, Harvey. You see, babies... Uh, smell something burning do you?" "No." "Oh, OK. That something was burning I thought. Talking about what, were we?" "Where babies come from." "Yes... Say, on TV one of your cartoons is, hmm?" "No." "Oh, OK. Sure you are that rather play with the other Younglings right now you would not?" "Yeah, I'm sure. I really wanna know where babies come from. Hey, why ya sweating so much, Master Yoda? Are ya hot or something?" "No, no, fine I am." "Is this a really hard question, Master Yoda? 'Cause if you don't know the answer, I can go ask Master Obi-wan..." "No! I mean, uh, no, alright that is. Answer your question I can. Old enough you are. Time for you to know the answer to this it is. Honest with you I will be. The truth I will tell you... Babies... the Stork brings." "But where does the Stork get them?" "That store we went to when some clothes I needed you remember, Babies R Us? Where the stork gets them, that is." "But where does the store get them?" "From the baby factory." "The baby factory? OK, but how do they - " "Alright, alright. All of it I made up. But very hard for me, just telling you is. I think maybe pictures I will draw." "Neat!" So a pad of pager I got out and picture I drew for Harvey to explain where babies come from. "What's that, Master Yoda? A giraffe?" "No, Harvey, a giraffe that is not. A stick-figure man that is." "Can you do a giraffe? 'Cause that's my favorite." "Focus you must Harvey. Pay attention as I draw you must." "Ok, sorry. I promise I'll pay real good attention... Oh wow! Ewww!" The same after this Harvey was not. The same after this I was not! I think the next time this question a Youngling asks me, just point him to an encyclopedia I will. More quickly that way, they learn.

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: A Groove Is a Terrible Thing to Waste]

I want to talk to you people about something that's serious - not the usual foolishness that goes on here at this blog. That's right, I'm not going to talk to you about Force-wedgies, passing gas, farting banthas, Cheetos addictions, or Dolly Parton. This is serious. It means something. I'm talking about an affliction that strikes people of all ages, creeds, races, species, and religions. Everyday, millions of otherwise normally healthy people wake up to find that their groove is gone. This sickness can strike anyone at any time without warning. I am one of those people. That's right, I once had a groove: But one night, while I was getting down, I made the serious mistake of shaking my groove thing. I eventually shook it too hard. Tragically, I busted my groove, busted it irreperably. That means there is no hope for me ever regaining what I lost. My name is not Stella. I am not getting my groove back. It is bad enough to wake up one day with this debilitating condition, but there are babies born every day in this galaxy without a groove. That's right, there are people who have lived their entire lives without ever knowing what it's like to have a groove, for instance people such as pro bowlers, IT professionals, and the entire cast of Full House. Right now, there is no treatment that can completely reverse this disease. But at the Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland, research is being conducted every day in hopes of finding a cure. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'What can I do to help?' The Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland relies entirely on donations from people just like you. Please help us fight this terrible disease. And one more thing I want to tell you people - get tested regularly. This is important, because the loss of one's groove, or Spontaneous Groovectomy as it's called, happens to 1 in 6 females, and 1 in 4 males. Don't you be a statistic. You take that test! It's simple and it's painless. The specially trained technicians will simply put you in a room with the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack playing in the background. If you get through the entire album without feeling the urge to jump up and get down with your bad self, you may have lost your groove. And if you find yourself tapping your feet to a David Hasselhoff song, well, you may never have had a groove to begin with. But you can only know if you get yourself tested. Don't get caught with your groove down. A groove is a terrible thing to waste. Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow.

Easy Being Green It Is Not

Easy being green it is not. If still I remain for too long, try to water me or move me next to a window someone will. Of course, at them I yell. Then say something like, "Eeek! A talking house plant!" they will. And tired I am of telling people that worried about them taking my Lucky Charms, I am not. A pot of gold I have not! Hear that do you? Besides, even look Irish to you, do I? Told this to Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I have. He said that other patients who have the same problem he has. So a support group he started. Every Tuesday we meet. Lately, pretty low attendance has been: A waste of time these things are. Know why I go to them I do not. Besides, first I always have to go. "Hello, Yoda my name is, and green I am." "Hi, Yoda." About the plant thing and the Lucky Charms I told the group. Very sympathetic they were. Then the next person's turn it was. "Hey ho, Kermit THE Frog here, and uh, I'm green." "Hi, Kermit." "Kermit," Steve said, "How have things been going for you lately?" "Oh, you know, I don't like to complain." "What did we say last week, Kermit, ol' buddy? You got the right to express your feelings. Go ahead." "Well, lately, I've been feeling a little down. I feel like I'm being manipulated, like I'm being controlled by someone else. That sounds kind of silly, I guess." "No," I said, "what you mean I understand." "Gosh, you mean you feel the same way?" "Lately I have not. But that way I used to feel all the time. Like controlling my movements someone else's hand was..." "Yeah," Kermit said,"like someone had their hand stuck up your-" "Say, Hulk, buddy," Steve interrupted, "You been sittin there the past several weeks and you haven't said anything. Don't ya think it's time for you to open up, there, pally?" "Hulk not comfortable sharing Hulk's feelings in front of puny frog and puny green monkey. Hulk not ready to step outside of Hulk's comfort zone." "I think it would do ya some good, there Champ. Besides, there's nobody here who's gonna judge you. Ain't that right, boys?" In agreement, Kermit and I nodded. "OK," Hulk said as up he stood, "Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk SMASH!" "Hold on there, Big Guy," Steve told him, "That's supposed to be 'Hello, my name is Hulk, and I'm green.' Go ahead, try it again." "Hulk sorry. So many words! So hard for Hulk to remember!" "It's OK, Sport. You can do it." "Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk is green." "Hi, Hulk," together we said. "Sometimes, Hulk feels like no one listens to Hulk. Sometimes, Hulk needs to be validated. But people ignore Hulk when Hulk talks! All Hulk wants from some puny humans is a little attention, but they don't give it to Hulk!" Steve interrupted, "And how does that make you feel, Big Guy?" "It makes Hulk mad! Hulk want to smash! But then the Denny's manager comes out says, 'Oh no, Hulk, you can't smash or else Hulk will have to leave and Hulk will not get his Grand Slam'! And Hulk gets even madder, because Hulk ordered Hulk's Grand Slam forty minutes ago and the waitress lady still hasn't brought it to Hulk! But all Hulk wants is a refill on Hulk's coffee while Hulk waits, but puny waitress lady hasn't come to Hulk's table for a long time even though she's looked right at Hulk a bunch of times and Hulk knows she knows Hulk's cup is empty! So then Hulk counts to ten and tries to find Hulk's happy place, like puny Spider doctor tells Hulk. But Hulk is still mad and Hulk still wants to smash!" "Very good, Hulk..." "Wait, puny Spider doctor! Hulk still needs to vent! It's even more frustratinger for Hulk because Hulk can only speak in the third person, and that even starts to annoy Hulk! Plus Hulk can only wear a pair of pants one time and then Hulk has to go buy a new pair because the old ones are ripped or stretched out! It all makes Hulk mad! Hulk wants to smash!" "Well," Steve said, "just make sure you use our special 'Smashing Pillow', alright there, Bud? I mean, this room is rented, know what I'm sayin' here?" See? A big waste of time it is. But cookies and punch we get at the end. So worth it is.

Interesting But Little Known Facts

A little known fact this is: give yourself a Force wedgie you can not. This I know because tried it I have. (Doing research I was! Weird I am not!) Like trying to tickle yourself it is, because do it you can not. Full of useful little nuggets of knowledge like that, my brain is. Share some of those nuggets with you now, I will. Even charge you for it I will not. Truly fortunate you are. Almost jealous of you I am. Here goes: Other Little Known Facts A very hollow sound Kenobi's head makes when a good smack you give it. Illegal to light a match near a farty bantha it is. The record for the largest quilt made entirely of navel lint (12' x 9'), Eileen Hufnagle of Rockport, Indiana holds. (Maybe next year, Kenobi.) Current law requires that disposed of by a government Hazmat (hazardous materials) team, Young Skywalkers' old shoes must be. Smell 80 different odors that humans can not, Wookiees can. Created by Wookiees themselves, 79 of those odors are. The first person to introduce Tofurkey to the Americas, a Pilgrim named John Henry Sadist was. Promptly beaten to death by the other Pilgrims he was. Interchangeable, scalp wax and ear wax are not. But if sneaky you are, know the difference until too late it is, Windu will not. Dolly Parton's real phone number, that number written on the McBurgerland's men's room wall is not! Take my word for it you can. Until legally changed he had it, "Wiggles" the "W" in George W Bush stood for. I know, grateful you must be now. Very enlightened you have become. Welcome you are.

Celebrity Jeopardy

Invited to go on Celebrity Jeopardy, I was. Say just let me that a challenge it was not. Alex: Ooh.. I'm sorry, Jessica, A Tale of Two Cities was not written by Dr. Seuss. Jessica: That's like, the only writer guy I know. Alex: No, I'm sorry, Mr. President, "fundamentaler" is not the answer we were looking for. In fact, it's not even a word. President Bush: If you're not with me you're against me, Alex. Too bad it is that for charity this was. Cleaned up, I could have. By the way, like to thank everyone who submitted questions for the next Ask Yoda, I would. Perhaps use them in the near future I will. If to sample some of my immense wisdom you would, email me or post a question in the comments to yesterday's Ask Yoda post you can.

Ask Yoda

Answer your questions here I will: From Actual Emails Andrew R writes: "Here's a load of miscellaneous questions. Are your Yoda shirts made by illegal immigrants in a sweatshop? Has he ever thought about switching to a cheaper brand of food for Bob, like Special Bantha from Wal-Mart? Tatooine is a desert planet, so what do banthas eat anyway? Sand? Jawas? What?" Andrew, here a load of miscellaneous answers are: 1)Absolutely not. Made by Padawan Younglings in the Jedi Temple attic, those T-shirts are. A "sweatshop" it is not. For instance, the other day, a window I cracked open for them for an hour or two. Also, sure I make that at least one fifteen minute break they get every eight or nine hours. 2)Finicky Bob is. Much worse than gas, the cheap brand gives him, if what I mean you know. 3)Based on a common misconception this question is. Commonly believed that rain on Tatooine it does not, it is. But correct that is not. You see only rain water it does not. But rain Pork n' Beans it does. So, when banthas grazing you see, grazing on the Pork n' Beans laying on the ground from the last shower, they are. Why so gassy they are, this explains. Lizzy M writes: "Who does the Jedi Council's hair? It must take Millenia to comb out Kenobi's beard." Answer: "Comb out his beard regularly, Kenobi does not. When combed out it is, bits of food, pens, pencils, and even small animals we find." A question for Yoda have you? Email them to me or post them in the comments you can. Perhaps answer them in an upcoming Ask Yoda post I will.

Road Trip

A speeder trip to the other side of Coruscant, some of us had to make today. Going with me, Kenobi and Harvey the Youngling were. Think of more pleasant things to do than taking a long speeder ride with those two, I can. On that list, getting stabbed in the eye with a rusty screwdriver is. "Use the bathroom now before we leave, you must," I told Harvey, "Because stopping I am not!" Then in the room, Yaddle stepped. All dressed up she was. Her make-up she put on, and brushed her hair was. "Going where, are you?" I asked her. "Going with you, I am," she said. Wookiee snot! Going to take forever to get there it was, now! A bladder the size of a sewing thimble, she has. Fifteen minutes into the trip: "Pull off at the next exit you must. To use the ladies' room I need." "What?! Just started we got! Hold it for a little longer you can." "Pull off at the next exit you will or a wet seat you will have." So off the Interplanet I exited and into a Stop and Slurp I pulled. "Doing what are you?" she asked. "Finding a bathroom for you I am." "Going to the ladies' room here I am not. Dirty their restrooms are." So around I drove, while for a McBurgerland I was looking. Finally one I found. Since clean it looked, out Yaddle got. "Master Yoda, can I get a McGreasy Burger? I'm hungry." "Hungry you can not be, Harvey. Right before we left, breakfast you had. Spoil your lunch it will if food you get now. Besides, want you eating in my speeder I do not." "I could go for a Cheerful Meal. They got some neat toys in 'em now." Kenobi said. "No! Definately eating in this speeder, you are not, Kenobi! But since here we are, to the restroom, take Harvey. The last time I am stopping this is!" In there for a long time, all three of them were. Thinking about going in after them I was. Then out all at once, they came. A Cheerful Meal, Kenobi and Harvey each had. Very angry I was. "Eat in the speeder you could not, I told you!" "Hungry the boys are. Just a little something to eat I bought them," Yaddle said. "But just thirty minutes ago they ate!" "Growing boys they are." "Thirty-four years old, Kenobi is!" "Thirty-four and a half." Kenobi corrected. Finally, back on the Interplanet we got. But hang out of the window while he ate, I made Kenobi. Going to get ketchup stains in my speeder he was not! Strictly I told them, "The last time we stop, this is!" Ten minutes later: "Master Yoda, I gotta go potty." "What?! Harvey, to go potty when we stopped at the McBurgerland, I told you!" "But I didn't need to, then." Then, Yaddle said, "To go I have to, too." The speeder ride that would never end, this was turning out to be. A perfectly good rest stop there was, but like it, Yaddle did not. "Going to the restroom with all of those truckers around, I am not." What she has against truckers, I know not. But take the next exit and hunt for another clean restroom I had to. When finally back on the Interplanet we got, the rest of the trip fighting, Kenobi and Harvey spent. At first, fighting about the toys in their Cheerful Meals, they were. Mad Kenobi was that the Wonder Wookie action figure instead of the Captain Typho action figure he got. Trade him, Harvey would not. Then stupid things they started fightin over. "Master Yoda, the fringes of his robe keep falling on my half of the seat!" "He keeps lookin out my window, instead of lookin out his own window!" "Stop fighting now, you two must! Pull this speeder over, I will!" And of course, a thousand times, this I heard, "Master Yoda, are we there, yet?" "No." "Are there now?" "No!" "How about now?" "Harvey! Stopped moving have we?" "Um, no." "Still in the speeder are we?" "Yeah." "Then there yet we are not! Sit back and be quiet you must!" "Oh, ok." "Good boy." "How about now? Are we there now?" "To stop again for the Ladies Room, I need." AAAAAAAAAAH! Next time, take the bus I will.

A Cold I Have

Developed a cold I have. At first, puzzled by this I was as very careful I am. But then clear it became. "Kenobi! I cold you had this week! Now Kenobi cooties I have! Been putting your lips on the water fountain again have you?" "No." "Lying to me are you?" "Yes." "Kenobi, told you how many times have I that put your lips on the water fountain you must not?" "Well, I ain't counted. Let me see here. There was that there time last Tuesday right before supper, then that there time last Tuesday after supper. Let me see, that's two times. Ok, then there was..." "Kenobi! A rhetorical question that was." "I told you over and over - I cain't speak Rhetorical!" "Kenobi, your sleeve let me see." "Uh, ok, here." Snnnnnnnnk!!!! Honk! "You just blew your nose on my sleeve!" "Hmm. Yes. The truth you speak." "What am I gonna use to blow my nose on, now?" "Thought of that you should have before your lips on the water fountain you put! Hmph!" Difficult, being the only responsible one around here, it is.

Deal-A-Doofus

Very long the Council meeting was today, and to stay awake through most of it I managed. Very proud of myself I was, but looking forward to taking my afternoon nap I was. Unfortunately, those six dreaded words Windu said: "I need to talk to you." "Windu," I sighed, "told you many times I have that getting wrinkles you are not. Too much you worry-" "No, man," Windu said, "I want to talk about Obi-wan. He's been putting on a few pounds lately. He's out of shape, especially for a Jedi. Heck, he's even out of shape by Hutt standards!" "Hmm, yes. The truth you speak. Appear to be working for him, that all-beer-and-Cheetos diet does not. Begun calling him Doughboy-wan Kenobi, the Younglings have. Unseemly for a Jedi it is." "Not only that, but it is seriously affecting his prettiness!" "Uh, yes. Suggest what do you?" "Oh, don't worry about that, I have a plan." Uh oh. An hour later, sitting in the living room watching the same episode of Hee Haw for the hundredth time and laughing at all the same jokes Kenobi was, when in Windu walks. "Obi-wan," Windu said, "as your friend, I have got to tell you, man, you're looking a little thick around the waist. I think you're cheating yourself - cheating yourself out of your full prettiness potential. But don't worry, someone's here who wants to meet you. He's a good friend of mine and he wants to help you, man - help you be all you can be." "I ain't talking to no Promise Keepers," Kenobi said. "Hey, what's wrong with... never mind. This man's not a Promise Keeper. He's helped a lot of people to achieve their optimal prettiness, and I know he can help you," Windu said, then toward the doorway he turned, "Ok, you can come on out now." Then, out stepped this man: "Hiiiiiiiiiiiii, Obi-wan!!" "Oh, I am so happy to meet you! Obi-wan, I want to tell you that you don't have to live with the hopelessness anymore. You are going to lose that weight, you are going to take off that fat, you are going to eat healthy, and most importantly, you are going to feel good about yourself. One day, you're going to turn around and Fat Obi-wan won't be here anymore. You can do this. I know you can." Bubbling over, this man was. Confused, Kenobi appeared. "You know, I don't much like huggin another guy like this." "And that's Ok. Do you know why? Because that's the way you feel, and that's ok. And that's what I want you to start telling yourself, that you're ok, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You need to start loving yourself. None of this will work unless you love yourself. Obi-wan, I want you to repeat after me, 'I'm ok, and I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead, say it." "Ok, but do you have to hold my hand like that while we do it?" "Never mind that now, that's not important. I want you to say, 'I'm OK.' Go ahead, say it." "I'm OK." "Now say, 'I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead." "Uh, I deserve not to be fat." "And 'I don't need to find love in a bag of Cheetos.'" "Hey, now wait a minute. Don't say nothin about my Cheetos." "Obi-wan, you're killing yourself, one Cheeto at a time. When you need a snack, you need to make a better choice." "I ain't givin up my Cheetos." "I just want you to make a better choice." "I ain't doin' it and quit rubbin' my shoulders!" "Obi-wan..." "No!" Spare you the entire argument I will, but just say I will that into a slap-fight it turned into, and with Richard Simmons getting body slammed on the floor, it ended. A big rug burn on his face he had, and sobbing loudly he was as he left. Compared to Windu's usual plans, say I would that every expectation this one fulfilled. ************* Checked out my T-shirt store yet, have you? On the left, the banner is. Take you there it will.

Guest Poster - Harvey the Youngling [Topic: Wanna See Something Really Cool?]

Hi, Harvey the Youngling here. Um, Master Yoda said I could, um, write a post on his blog 'cause I been really good and I haven't tried to flush the cat down the toilet for a long long time, or anything. And I been tryin really hard, too, 'cause I don't wanna make Master Yoda mad or nothin 'cause he can get really mad! Like this one time, when he like fell asleep, 'cause he falls asleep a lot, and so I put bonnet on him and I put a pacifier in his mouth and I put a baby rattle in his hand 'cause I thought it would be really funny. And well... hey, you guys want to see a picture of Master Yoda when he fell asleep that one time? Ok, here it is: See, doesn't he look funny? I even asked Master Obi-wan before I did it, and he said it would be ok 'cause he thought it would be a pretty good joke. But then Master Yoda woke up and he was really mad and I had to clean the dookies out of Bob the Bantha's stable for like a