Saturday, December 31, 2005

Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not

A year of hopes and dreams for me, this year was going to be. Going to get many things accomplished I was. Unfortunately, finally watching all of my "Gilligan's Island the 3rd Season DVD" the only thing I got accomplished was. Below, a list of things that get accomplished I did not is.

Things That Get Accomplished This Year I Did Not

-Convince Kenobi that an actual sport, "Distance Spitting" is not.
-Learn to speak Wiggerese, so that undertand what Young Skywalker is saying most of the time I can.
-Become a professional Salsa dancer.
-Track down that awful smell in the Temple that noticing I keep.
-Get help for my Ben and Jerry's addiction.
-Lose 2 pounds. Yes, ambitious that is, but getting portly I am.
-Get my VCR to stop blinking "12:00".
-Convince Windu that give up his My Little Pony collection, he must.
-Smite down Dooku, then a jig on his grave, dance.
-Convince Dolly Parton that in love with me, she is.
-Convince Yaddle that her "Sweet Baboo" I am not.
-Figure out a way to grow four feet taller.
-Find out how many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop it takes.
-Find a barber who a decent hair cut can give me. No good, bringing in that picture of George Clooney and saying, "Like this I would like to look", seems to do.

Maybe accomplish these things next year I can. Of course, other goals for next year I have, so backed up I am. But take care of that, Metamucil usually does. (Hee hee! A little digestional humor that was!)

Friday, December 30, 2005

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

A stupid thing they have on TV shows now. For instance, one of my favorite shows, Gilmore Girls is. Hey, judge me not! Anyway, a phrase they say at the beginning of every episode there is, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...". Then a montage of clips that summarize the entire series they will show. Longer this gets ever week. Soon, a whole episode of nothing but these clips they will have. Instead of saying, "Previously on Gilmore Girls...", say "In case never seen or heard of this show you have..", they should.

Anyway, copied and repeated all stupid ideas deserve to be. So, here it is:

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

"Room to talk about my hair loss, Windu has not!"

"Bought a dump I have! Nice in the brochure it looked."

"Tell which Sith Lord is Oprah, can you? Tell I can not either."

"To get me to join his zoo, he tried!"

"As see you can, anger manangement issues I have."

"Seen this man have you? Caught on tape stealing my wallet he was!"

"Very serious and solumn, Jedi business is."

"Help noticing this when walking past Yaddle's room, I could not."

"This should teach Obi-wan to call me a girlie-man!"

"Will the Wookiee eat my Cookie?" (The Youngling's favorite Dr. Seuss book, this is.)

Enjoy this walk down Memory Lane did you? Very much I enjoyed it - have to think of something to write about I did not!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

PIzza Delivery

Last night, the doorbell I heard, so to the door to answer it I went. A pizza delivery boy it was. Strange this was, because remember ordering pizza I did not. Also strange it was because vaguely familiar, this delivery boy looked. But put my finger on where I saw him before, I could not:

"Pizza for a Mr. Yoda," he said.

"Order any pizza I did not."

"Not to worry, Old Bean... I mean, ahem, someone ordered it for you. It's paid for and everything."

"Nice that was. Order it, who did?"

"Does it matter?! Just eat the blasted thing!... I mean, uh, I'm dreadfully sorry, they didn't give me a name."

Quite an attitude he had! Deserve the tip I gave him, he did not! Anyway, very excited about having pizza, the other Jedi were. I think something about the fact that serving something called Spam Loaf, the Temple cafeteria was, it had to do.

Out it turns, eaten the Spam Loaf we should have. Go into detail I will not, but just say let me, very busy the plumbing in the temple was today. All day, constant lines to the restrooms, there were. Able to get anything accomplished today, we were not. Eat pizza from that place again, I will not!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

A Pigsty This Place Is

Away on vacation, the Temple cleaning staff has been. Have their work cut for them when they get back, they will.

Impossible to get Kenobi to clean up after himself it is. Even when a little he cleans, all wrong he does it.

"Kenobi, sweep the kitchen floor like I told you, did you?"

"Yep. Sure did."

At that moment, a lump under one of the throw rugs I noticed. The rug I lifted up.

"Kenobi! Told you how many times have I that just sweep the dirt under the rug you can not?"

"But I seen Bugs Bunny do it lotsa times!"

To clean the bathroom, Windu volunteered. Turn out well that did not. To clean the mirror, the first thing he did was. Four hours later, still cleaning the mirror he was. Probably keep cleaning off the smudge marks from him kissing it, he had to.

Young Skywalker to do the laundry, I sent. A mistake that was. "Young Skywalker, remember to separate the colors and whites, did you?"

"Check it, I ain't into all that segregatin' hatin', yo. That was all outlawed and stuff a long time ago!"

"No, Young Skywalker, nothing like that this..."

"And why you got to be a hater like 'at, anyway, Y? You some kinda laundry racist, yo?"

"What?! No! Listen, all wrong you got..."

"I thought you was all enlightened and spit!"

Wait until the cleaning staff gets back I can not!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Ask Yoda

Answered many of your questions below I have.

Charging you for this I should be. Usually have to sign up for the Jedi Academy then pass the grueling entrance exams you would have to before share with you this kind of wisdom I would. And of course, the hazing and Pledge Week there is. Easy you got off.

From Your Comments:

Jason wrote: I wonder what you would get if you mixed 2 extreme opposites like Windu and Kenobi together in to one person.

Answer: Ready for this answer are you? If in the room, Younglings are, send them out now, you must.

Out of the room, are they? OK....

+ =

Norton wrote:
How do Stormtroopers go to the toilet? It doesn't look as if the armour is easy to remove, even with that big white codpiece.

Answer: Norton, almost 900 years I have lived. Traveled the galaxy for centuries gathering much wisdom and experience I have. My immense wisdom I offer freely to you. And a question like this you ask me. Good choice.
Standard issue for all Stormtroopers, Depends undergarments are. An important part of the every Stormtrooper's uniform they are. Of course, constantly take the Depends off when full they get, Stormtroopers can not. So built into their armor, a nozzle for a wet/dry vacuum hose is. Once a day, lined up the Stormtroopers are so that receive their vacuuming they can. Very efficient it is.

Peter Twister wrote: Why always in inverted gramatical order do you speak?

Answer: Nothing wrong with the way I speak, there is. Been speaking this way for almost 900 years I have. Maybe inverted your grammar is! Hmph!

Peter Twister also wrote: Do you think the female of your same species that sits on the jedi council is hot?

Answer: Of Master Yaddle you speak? Only 477 years old she is! Look at a young girl that way, I would not! A dirty old man I am not! Rob the cradle like that I would not! Scandalous that would be!

Lt Cmdr Oneida: Do you have a Dolly Parton addiction support group that you go to?

Answer: If wrong, being addicted to Dolly is, then want to be right I do not!

From Your Emails

"Dear Master Yoda,
Here's a misc. question for your blog.
Did you have a sit-&-spin when you were a kid? If not, are you mentally
scarred by this deprivation? (I am) ... Oh the deprivation!!! "
- Kathleen R.

Padawan Kathleen,
Obviously, issues you have. But empathize I can. A Sit-&-Spin I had not! Cheap knock-off toys my parents would buy me, so a Sit-&-Pretend-to-Spin I had. A round piece of cardboard it was. Set it on the ground, then sit on top of it, you were supposed to. Then imagine yourself spinning you had to. Rock my world it did not.
-Master Yoda

Like to thank everyone who submitted questions, I would.

A question for Yoda, have you? Maybe advice you need? Post it in the comments here or email them to me you can. (On the right-hand side of this blog, my email address is.) Perhaps answer the question in my next Ask Yoda post I will.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - Dagobah (Part 2)

Continued from yesterday's post

Hey guys, Ty Pennington here again. As you can see, we've still got a lot of work to do on Yoda's house before he comes back from Dollywood! We've got big plans for it! We've got to completely demolish this place and make it bantha-friendly! We're going to add on two more stories, a speeder garage, a bedroom for Bob the Bantha, and a whole bunch of cool stuff! This place is gonna rock! Have I mentioned how excited I am?

Let's see how everybody's doing:

Episode Transcript

Ty: [into megaphone] Paul, how's the furniture coming along? Have you got that one-foot-tall pool table built yet?

Paul (Carpentry/Nuts & Bolts): You know, the megaphone bit is getting a little old.

Ty: [into megaphone] Come on, Paul! I thought you'd be farther along by now! Let's go!

Paul: Farther along? Farther along?! Look who you sent to help me!:

Paul: How do you expect me to get anything done like this?

Ty: [into megaphone] That's not my problem! Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
[runs frenetically to Michael (Designer Interior/Glamour)] Michael! What's the hold up? lets's go! Come on!

Michael: Hey, I was going to tour the swamp to find some nice swampy things to use in decorating the house, but this place is so gross! Who knew there'd be so much mud in a swamp! I mean, eww! Just look at my shoes!

Ty: Ok, well it's not going so well here. Let's see how Yoda's doing at Dollywood:

Ty: Great! He looks like he's having an awesome time! Let's give him a call and tell him how things are going here.
[on phone] Yoda! It's Ty!

Yoda: [on phone] Hello, Ty.

Ty: How are things going in Dollywood? You having a great time?

Yoda: Seen Dolly I have not. Supposed to be here sometime, is she? To meet her I would...

Ty: Hey, we're picking out the carpet for your living room and I need your opinion. Would you like bright orange or school bus yellow?

Yoda: What?! No, like either...

Ty: Sorry, Yoda, you're breaking up. I gotta go. Have a great time! [hangs up phone] Ha! Ha! Man, I love messin' with people! It's fun!


Holy smokes! We've got two hours until Yoda and Bob come home!
[Into megaphone] Two hours, people! Two hours!!
[Runs frantically over to the landscaping crew.] [Into megaphone] Two hours!! Come on, lay that turf!! Lay it!! Lay it!! Two hours!! Two hours!!
[Does cartwheels over to Constance] [Into megaphone] Two hours!! We have to get this done in two hours, people!!
[Walks on hands over to Michael and shouts into megaphone.] Come on!! Move it!! Move it!! We've got two hours! Let's go!!
[Leaps on top of a giant pile of lumber. Does a backflip off of the pile and onto Paul's work bench. Shouts into megaphone.] Two hours!! We've got -

Paul: [Yanks megaphone from Ty's hand, throws it to the ground and crushes it with his foot.]

Ty: Hey, that was my megaphone, dude. That wasn't cool. But it doesn't matter, because I always carry a spare! [Into megaphone] Two hours, people!

Later, Yoda's and Bob's Arrival

Ty: Wooooo!!!! Welcome back, Yoda! Are you ready to see your new house!

Yoda: Yes, ready I am.

Ty: [Into megaphone] Bus driver, move that bus!!

[Bus tires spin in mud. Bus does not move forward]

Ty: [Into megaphone] I said, bus driver, move that bus!!

[Bus spins tires again. No forward movement.]

Ty: OK, Guys! The bus is stuck! Come on! Let's try to push it out!

Yoda: Do or do not. There is no try.

[Cast and crew gather at the back of the bus and push. After an hour, they give up.]

Ty: It's too big.

Yoda: Size matters not. [Waves hand. Moves bus out of the way with the Force. Yoda's house is revealed.]

Ty: So, Yoda, whatta ya think, man?!

Yoda: Uh, exactly the same as before, it looks.

Ty: Yeah, here's the thing - we're all afraid of snakes. Every last one of us. And you're place is crawlin' with them! There's no way I'm going near that place!

Yoda: But...

Ty: But hey, that's not all we had planned! Like we bought all these cool appliances and electronics for you from Sears!

Yoda: Ok, then, not so bad...

Ty: Yeah, but the truck that was delivering them got stuck in the mud miles away from here. They had to use the jumbo-screen HD plasma TV as a ramp to get the truck out.

Yoda: But...

Ty: But hey, don't worry, Big Guy. We put together a special surprise for you. We heard how much you love Dolly Parton...

Yoda: [Gasping] Here, Dolly is?!!

Ty: Well, that's what he had planned. But it turns out she's afraid of snakes too. So we got someone else to sing for us:

Hasselhoff: Hey, Yoda, old Buddy. This next song's especially for you.

Ty: So whatta ya think, Yoda? Is this cool or what?

Yoda: Want to know what I think, do you? [Waves hand.]

Ty: Ow! Hey, how did my Calvin Klein bikini thong ride up so far all of the sudden?

[Constance, Paul, and Michael start to cry sentimentally as David Hasselhoff sings "Everybody Sunshine".]

Michael: It's really a great feeling to be able to change someone's life like this. Even though we did absolutely nothing for Yoda, I think he's really grateful. You could see it in his eyes. [Starts to cry.]

Constance: When David Hasselhoff came out and sang "Everybody Sunshine", I thought we were all going to lose it. It was so special. This is something Yoda and Bob will never forget. [Starts to cry.]

Paul: I'm serious. If Pennington doesn't lose that &@*$ megaphone, I'm quitting. I don't give a crap.

Ty: Just to see everyone come together to help this family, even though we didn't do anything, just makes it all worthwhile. It was well worth the Force-wedgie. I'd do it all over again.

Yoda: Want me to say what, do you? Understand I do not... Say what, did you? To talk about how grateful I am you want me? Grateful? Grateful for what I am supposed to be?! Dollywood? A life time pass I already have. Been there 10 time this year already I have.

The same stupid house I have. Get to meet Dolly I did not. To a Hasselhoff concert you subjected me. Grateful you should be if give you a Force-wedgie I do not!


Sunday, December 25, 2005

Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - Dagobah

Hey, how's it goin'? Ty Pennington here and I'm with the entire crew of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. We've taken over Master Yoda's blog because we're about to give him the surprise of his life! We're gonna renovate his vacation home on Dagobah! Man, I'm excited!!

Episode Transcript:

[On Crew Bus]

Ty: Ok, guys, we've got a really deserving Jedi Master that needs our help. Check out this video. While you do that, I'm gonna go inject sugar and caffeine into my veins.

[Excerpt From Submission Video]

... and so a very serious gas problem Bob the Bantha has. Able to say [spells it out] p-i-c-k-l-e around here, we can not, or else fart like a canon he will. A big, stinky canon, yes. Tormented by nightmares he is. Seeing a psychiatrist for some time he has been now. On Prozac he has to be because a nervous problem he has. Very expensive that is. Raising him by myself, I am. Very hard it is.

[On Bus]

Constance (Designer Building/Planning): [Crying] That just breaks your heart.

Michael M. (Designer Interiors/Glamour): [Also crying] We have to help this family.

[Crew bus pulls up in front of house. Crew jumps out]

Ty: [Shouting into megaphone] Yoda Family, come on out!! Come on wake up! Get outta there! Woooo!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! Yeah, baby!!!! Come on!! Wooooooo!!!

Yoda: [Comes to door in underwear. Wipes eyes.] What the - ? Seven a.m. it is.

Ty: [Shouting into megaphone] That's right, baby! We're all here because we are gonna make over your house! Wooooo!!!!!

Yoda: Six inches from my face you are. Necessary the megaphone is?

[Rest of crew runs to meet Yoda]

Yoda: Thank you, thank you. All of this I appreciate. Uh, a hugger I am not, but thank you anyway.

Ty: Yoda, we saw the video you sent us and we know about the difficulties you've had raising a bantha with special needs... So, we're gonna totally renovate your house, dude! And besides that, while we're working on your house, we're sending you and Bob all the way to the Great Smoky Mountains where you guys can have a great time at Dollywood! How's that sound? Are you excited?!

Yoda: Yes, very excited I...

Ty: Well, I'm excited! Woo-hooooo!!!! [Into megaphone] LET THE RENOVATION BEGIN!!!

Continued on tomorrow's post.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My Frequent House Guest Part II

Wearing out his welcome, Chewbacca is. So poorly behaved he is, afraid to have company over I am. Keep him from jumping up on company we can not. And even want to talk about what he did to the Chancellor's leg, I do not!

Not only that, today to the vet I had to take Chewie. An infection on his side he has, but stop licking it he would not. So with this the vet fit him:

[Scroll down you must]

As see you can, happy about this he is not. And fun to have a grouchy Wookiee around it is not! Wait until he leaves I can not.

Friday, December 23, 2005

My Frequent House Guest

Staying with us at the Temple the last couple of days, Chewbacca has been. The ideal houseguest he is not! Been chewing on my shoes again, he has.

Break him of that habit, I can not. Constantly swatting him with a rolled-up newspaper I am. "No!" I say, "Bad Wookiee! Bad!" Only stop him for the moment that will. Then, the next thing I know, open the closet I will, and sitting there with my loafers in his mouth he is!

Tried putting hot sauce in them I have. But out it turns that hot sauce he likes! Only chew on my shoes more it makes him! Then lick them afterward he will. Besides, sometimes forgotten that put the hot sauce there, I have. Then put my shoes on I will. Burn your skin that stuff will!

Even when tear the shoes up he does not, left in a good condition they are not. Ever stepped in a bunch of Wookiee slobber, have you? Pleasant it is not! After my shoes I take off again, slide around I will because very slippery my feet become!

I think next time to Coruscant Chewbacca comes, find a good kennel for him I will.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Talk

Been looking forward to this day I have not.

"Master Yoda?"

"Yes, Harvey."

"Where do babies come from?"

"Well... uh, ahem... a good question that is, Harvey. You see, babies... Uh, smell something burning do you?"


"Oh, OK. That something was burning I thought. Talking about what, were we?"

"Where babies come from."

"Yes... Say, on TV one of your cartoons is, hmm?"


"Oh, OK. Sure you are that rather play with the other Younglings right now you would not?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I really wanna know where babies come from. Hey, why ya sweating so much, Master Yoda? Are ya hot or something?"

"No, no, fine I am."

"Is this a really hard question, Master Yoda? 'Cause if you don't know the answer, I can go ask Master Obi-wan..."

"No! I mean, uh, no, alright that is. Answer your question I can. Old enough you are. Time for you to know the answer to this it is. Honest with you I will be. The truth I will tell you... Babies... the Stork brings."

"But where does the Stork get them?"

"That store we went to when some clothes I needed you remember, Babies R Us? Where the stork gets them, that is."

"But where does the store get them?"

"From the baby factory."

"The baby factory? OK, but how do they - "

"Alright, alright. All of it I made up. But very hard for me, just telling you is. I think maybe pictures I will draw."


So a pad of pager I got out and picture I drew for Harvey to explain where babies come from.

"What's that, Master Yoda? A giraffe?"

"No, Harvey, a giraffe that is not. A stick-figure man that is."

"Can you do a giraffe? 'Cause that's my favorite."

"Focus you must Harvey. Pay attention as I draw you must."

"Ok, sorry. I promise I'll pay real good attention... Oh wow! Ewww!"

The same after this Harvey was not. The same after this I was not! I think the next time this question a Youngling asks me, just point him to an encyclopedia I will. More quickly that way, they learn.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: A Groove Is a Terrible Thing to Waste]

I want to talk to you people about something that's serious - not the usual foolishness that goes on here at this blog. That's right, I'm not going to talk to you about Force-wedgies, passing gas, farting banthas, Cheetos addictions, or Dolly Parton. This is serious. It means something.

I'm talking about an affliction that strikes people of all ages, creeds, races, species, and religions. Everyday, millions of otherwise normally healthy people wake up to find that their groove is gone. This sickness can strike anyone at any time without warning. I am one of those people.

That's right, I once had a groove:

But one night, while I was getting down, I made the serious mistake of shaking my groove thing. I eventually shook it too hard. Tragically, I busted my groove, busted it irreperably. That means there is no hope for me ever regaining what I lost. My name is not Stella. I am not getting my groove back.

It is bad enough to wake up one day with this debilitating condition, but there are babies born every day in this galaxy without a groove. That's right, there are people who have lived their entire lives without ever knowing what it's like to have a groove, for instance people such as pro bowlers, IT professionals, and the entire cast of Full House.

Right now, there is no treatment that can completely reverse this disease. But at the Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland, research is being conducted every day in hopes of finding a cure. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'What can I do to help?' The Groovetastic Institute of Baltimore, Maryland relies entirely on donations from people just like you. Please help us fight this terrible disease.

And one more thing I want to tell you people - get tested regularly. This is important, because the loss of one's groove, or Spontaneous Groovectomy as it's called, happens to 1 in 6 females, and 1 in 4 males. Don't you be a statistic. You take that test! It's simple and it's painless. The specially trained technicians will simply put you in a room with the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack playing in the background. If you get through the entire album without feeling the urge to jump up and get down with your bad self, you may have lost your groove. And if you find yourself tapping your feet to a David Hasselhoff song, well, you may never have had a groove to begin with. But you can only know if you get yourself tested.

Don't get caught with your groove down. A groove is a terrible thing to waste.

Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Easy Being Green It Is Not

Easy being green it is not. If still I remain for too long, try to water me or move me next to a window someone will. Of course, at them I yell. Then say something like, "Eeek! A talking house plant!" they will.

And tired I am of telling people that worried about them taking my Lucky Charms, I am not. A pot of gold I have not! Hear that do you? Besides, even look Irish to you, do I?

Told this to Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I have. He said that other patients who have the same problem he has. So a support group he started. Every Tuesday we meet. Lately, pretty low attendance has been:

A waste of time these things are. Know why I go to them I do not. Besides, first I always have to go.

"Hello, Yoda my name is, and green I am."

"Hi, Yoda."

About the plant thing and the Lucky Charms I told the group. Very sympathetic they were. Then the next person's turn it was.

"Hey ho, Kermit THE Frog here, and uh, I'm green."

"Hi, Kermit."

"Kermit," Steve said, "How have things been going for you lately?"

"Oh, you know, I don't like to complain."

"What did we say last week, Kermit, ol' buddy? You got the right to express your feelings. Go ahead."

"Well, lately, I've been feeling a little down. I feel like I'm being manipulated, like I'm being controlled by someone else. That sounds kind of silly, I guess."

"No," I said, "what you mean I understand."

"Gosh, you mean you feel the same way?"

"Lately I have not. But that way I used to feel all the time. Like controlling my movements someone else's hand was..."

"Yeah," Kermit said,"like someone had their hand stuck up your-"

"Say, Hulk, buddy," Steve interrupted, "You been sittin there the past several weeks and you haven't said anything. Don't ya think it's time for you to open up, there, pally?"

"Hulk not comfortable sharing Hulk's feelings in front of puny frog and puny green monkey. Hulk not ready to step outside of Hulk's comfort zone."

"I think it would do ya some good, there Champ. Besides, there's nobody here who's gonna judge you. Ain't that right, boys?"

In agreement, Kermit and I nodded.

"OK," Hulk said as up he stood, "Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk SMASH!"

"Hold on there, Big Guy," Steve told him, "That's supposed to be 'Hello, my name is Hulk, and I'm green.' Go ahead, try it again."

"Hulk sorry. So many words! So hard for Hulk to remember!"

"It's OK, Sport. You can do it."

"Hello, Hulk's name is Hulk, and Hulk is green."

"Hi, Hulk," together we said.

"Sometimes, Hulk feels like no one listens to Hulk. Sometimes, Hulk needs to be validated. But people ignore Hulk when Hulk talks! All Hulk wants from some puny humans is a little attention, but they don't give it to Hulk!"

Steve interrupted, "And how does that make you feel, Big Guy?"

"It makes Hulk mad! Hulk want to smash! But then the Denny's manager comes out says, 'Oh no, Hulk, you can't smash or else Hulk will have to leave and Hulk will not get his Grand Slam'! And Hulk gets even madder, because Hulk ordered Hulk's Grand Slam forty minutes ago and the waitress lady still hasn't brought it to Hulk! But all Hulk wants is a refill on Hulk's coffee while Hulk waits, but puny waitress lady hasn't come to Hulk's table for a long time even though she's looked right at Hulk a bunch of times and Hulk knows she knows Hulk's cup is empty! So then Hulk counts to ten and tries to find Hulk's happy place, like puny Spider doctor tells Hulk. But Hulk is still mad and Hulk still wants to smash!"

"Very good, Hulk..."

"Wait, puny Spider doctor! Hulk still needs to vent! It's even more frustratinger for Hulk because Hulk can only speak in the third person, and that even starts to annoy Hulk! Plus Hulk can only wear a pair of pants one time and then Hulk has to go buy a new pair because the old ones are ripped or stretched out! It all makes Hulk mad! Hulk wants to smash!"

"Well," Steve said, "just make sure you use our special 'Smashing Pillow', alright there, Bud? I mean, this room is rented, know what I'm sayin' here?"

See? A big waste of time it is. But cookies and punch we get at the end. So worth it is.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Interesting But Little Known Facts

A little known fact this is: give yourself a Force wedgie you can not. This I know because tried it I have. (Doing research I was! Weird I am not!) Like trying to tickle yourself it is, because do it you can not.

Full of useful little nuggets of knowledge like that, my brain is. Share some of those nuggets with you now, I will. Even charge you for it I will not. Truly fortunate you are. Almost jealous of you I am. Here goes:

Other Little Known Facts

A very hollow sound Kenobi's head makes when a good smack you give it.

Illegal to light a match near a farty bantha it is.

The record for the largest quilt made entirely of navel lint (12' x 9'), Eileen Hufnagle of Rockport, Indiana holds. (Maybe next year, Kenobi.)

Current law requires that disposed of by a government Hazmat (hazardous materials) team, Young Skywalkers' old shoes must be.

Smell 80 different odors that humans can not, Wookiees can. Created by Wookiees themselves, 79 of those odors are.

The first person to introduce Tofurkey to the Americas, a Pilgrim named John Henry Sadist was. Promptly beaten to death by the other Pilgrims he was.

Interchangeable, scalp wax and ear wax are not. But if sneaky you are, know the difference until too late it is, Windu will not.

Dolly Parton's real phone number, that number written on the McBurgerland's men's room wall is not! Take my word for it you can.

Until legally changed he had it, "Wiggles" the "W" in George W Bush stood for.

I know, grateful you must be now. Very enlightened you have become. Welcome you are.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Celebrity Jeopardy

Invited to go on Celebrity Jeopardy, I was. Say just let me that a challenge it was not.

Alex: Ooh.. I'm sorry, Jessica, A Tale of Two Cities was not written by Dr. Seuss.

Jessica: That's like, the only writer guy I know.

Alex: No, I'm sorry, Mr. President, "fundamentaler" is not the answer we were looking for. In fact, it's not even a word.

President Bush: If you're not with me you're against me, Alex.

Too bad it is that for charity this was. Cleaned up, I could have.

By the way, like to thank everyone who submitted questions for the next Ask Yoda, I would. Perhaps use them in the near future I will. If to sample some of my immense wisdom you would, email me or post a question in the comments to yesterday's Ask Yoda post you can.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Ask Yoda

Answer your questions here I will:

From Actual Emails

Andrew R writes:
"Here's a load of miscellaneous questions.
Are your Yoda shirts made by illegal immigrants in a sweatshop?
Has he ever thought about switching to a cheaper brand of food for Bob, like Special Bantha from Wal-Mart?
Tatooine is a desert planet, so what do banthas eat anyway? Sand? Jawas? What?"

Andrew, here a load of miscellaneous answers are:
1)Absolutely not. Made by Padawan Younglings in the Jedi Temple attic, those T-shirts are. A "sweatshop" it is not. For instance, the other day, a window I cracked open for them for an hour or two. Also, sure I make that at least one fifteen minute break they get every eight or nine hours.
2)Finicky Bob is. Much worse than gas, the cheap brand gives him, if what I mean you know.
3)Based on a common misconception this question is. Commonly believed that rain on Tatooine it does not, it is. But correct that is not. You see only rain water it does not. But rain Pork n' Beans it does. So, when banthas grazing you see, grazing on the Pork n' Beans laying on the ground from the last shower, they are. Why so gassy they are, this explains.

Lizzy M writes:
"Who does the Jedi Council's hair? It must take Millenia to comb out Kenobi's beard."

"Comb out his beard regularly, Kenobi does not. When combed out it is, bits of food, pens, pencils, and even small animals we find."

A question for Yoda have you? Email them to me or post them in the comments you can. Perhaps answer them in an upcoming Ask Yoda post I will.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Road Trip

A speeder trip to the other side of Coruscant, some of us had to make today. Going with me, Kenobi and Harvey the Youngling were. Think of more pleasant things to do than taking a long speeder ride with those two, I can. On that list, getting stabbed in the eye with a rusty screwdriver is.

"Use the bathroom now before we leave, you must," I told Harvey, "Because stopping I am not!"

Then in the room, Yaddle stepped. All dressed up she was. Her make-up she put on, and brushed her hair was.

"Going where, are you?" I asked her.

"Going with you, I am," she said.

Wookiee snot! Going to take forever to get there it was, now! A bladder the size of a sewing thimble, she has.

Fifteen minutes into the trip: "Pull off at the next exit you must. To use the ladies' room I need."

"What?! Just started we got! Hold it for a little longer you can."

"Pull off at the next exit you will or a wet seat you will have."

So off the Interplanet I exited and into a Stop and Slurp I pulled.

"Doing what are you?" she asked.

"Finding a bathroom for you I am."

"Going to the ladies' room here I am not. Dirty their restrooms are."

So around I drove, while for a McBurgerland I was looking. Finally one I found. Since clean it looked, out Yaddle got.

"Master Yoda, can I get a McGreasy Burger? I'm hungry."

"Hungry you can not be, Harvey. Right before we left, breakfast you had. Spoil your lunch it will if food you get now. Besides, want you eating in my speeder I do not."

"I could go for a Cheerful Meal. They got some neat toys in 'em now." Kenobi said.

"No! Definately eating in this speeder, you are not, Kenobi! But since here we are, to the restroom, take Harvey. The last time I am stopping this is!"

In there for a long time, all three of them were. Thinking about going in after them I was. Then out all at once, they came. A Cheerful Meal, Kenobi and Harvey each had.

Very angry I was. "Eat in the speeder you could not, I told you!"

"Hungry the boys are. Just a little something to eat I bought them," Yaddle said.

"But just thirty minutes ago they ate!"

"Growing boys they are."

"Thirty-four years old, Kenobi is!"

"Thirty-four and a half." Kenobi corrected.

Finally, back on the Interplanet we got. But hang out of the window while he ate, I made Kenobi. Going to get ketchup stains in my speeder he was not! Strictly I told them, "The last time we stop, this is!"

Ten minutes later: "Master Yoda, I gotta go potty."

"What?! Harvey, to go potty when we stopped at the McBurgerland, I told you!"

"But I didn't need to, then."

Then, Yaddle said, "To go I have to, too."

The speeder ride that would never end, this was turning out to be. A perfectly good rest stop there was, but like it, Yaddle did not. "Going to the restroom with all of those truckers around, I am not."

What she has against truckers, I know not. But take the next exit and hunt for another clean restroom I had to. When finally back on the Interplanet we got, the rest of the trip fighting, Kenobi and Harvey spent.

At first, fighting about the toys in their Cheerful Meals, they were. Mad Kenobi was that the Wonder Wookie action figure instead of the Captain Typho action figure he got. Trade him, Harvey would not. Then stupid things they started fightin over.

"Master Yoda, the fringes of his robe keep falling on my half of the seat!"

"He keeps lookin out my window, instead of lookin out his own window!"

"Stop fighting now, you two must! Pull this speeder over, I will!"

And of course, a thousand times, this I heard, "Master Yoda, are we there, yet?"


"Are there now?"


"How about now?"

"Harvey! Stopped moving have we?"

"Um, no."

"Still in the speeder are we?"


"Then there yet we are not! Sit back and be quiet you must!"

"Oh, ok."

"Good boy."

"How about now? Are we there now?"

"To stop again for the Ladies Room, I need."

AAAAAAAAAAH! Next time, take the bus I will.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A Cold I Have

Developed a cold I have. At first, puzzled by this I was as very careful I am. But then clear it became.

"Kenobi! I cold you had this week! Now Kenobi cooties I have! Been putting your lips on the water fountain again have you?"


"Lying to me are you?"


"Kenobi, told you how many times have I that put your lips on the water fountain you must not?"

"Well, I ain't counted. Let me see here. There was that there time last Tuesday right before supper, then that there time last Tuesday after supper. Let me see, that's two times. Ok, then there was..."

"Kenobi! A rhetorical question that was."

"I told you over and over - I cain't speak Rhetorical!"

"Kenobi, your sleeve let me see."

"Uh, ok, here."

Snnnnnnnnk!!!! Honk!

"You just blew your nose on my sleeve!"

"Hmm. Yes. The truth you speak."

"What am I gonna use to blow my nose on, now?"

"Thought of that you should have before your lips on the water fountain you put! Hmph!" Difficult, being the only responsible one around here, it is.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Very long the Council meeting was today, and to stay awake through most of it I managed. Very proud of myself I was, but looking forward to taking my afternoon nap I was. Unfortunately, those six dreaded words Windu said: "I need to talk to you."

"Windu," I sighed, "told you many times I have that getting wrinkles you are not. Too much you worry-"

"No, man," Windu said, "I want to talk about Obi-wan. He's been putting on a few pounds lately. He's out of shape, especially for a Jedi. Heck, he's even out of shape by Hutt standards!"

"Hmm, yes. The truth you speak. Appear to be working for him, that all-beer-and-Cheetos diet does not. Begun calling him Doughboy-wan Kenobi, the Younglings have. Unseemly for a Jedi it is."

"Not only that, but it is seriously affecting his prettiness!"

"Uh, yes. Suggest what do you?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I have a plan."

Uh oh.

An hour later, sitting in the living room watching the same episode of Hee Haw for the hundredth time and laughing at all the same jokes Kenobi was, when in Windu walks. "Obi-wan," Windu said, "as your friend, I have got to tell you, man, you're looking a little thick around the waist. I think you're cheating yourself - cheating yourself out of your full prettiness potential. But don't worry, someone's here who wants to meet you. He's a good friend of mine and he wants to help you, man - help you be all you can be."

"I ain't talking to no Promise Keepers," Kenobi said.

"Hey, what's wrong with... never mind. This man's not a Promise Keeper. He's helped a lot of people to achieve their optimal prettiness, and I know he can help you," Windu said, then toward the doorway he turned, "Ok, you can come on out now."

Then, out stepped this man:

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiii, Obi-wan!!"

"Oh, I am so happy to meet you! Obi-wan, I want to tell you that you don't have to live with the hopelessness anymore. You are going to lose that weight, you are going to take off that fat, you are going to eat healthy, and most importantly, you are going to feel good about yourself. One day, you're going to turn around and Fat Obi-wan won't be here anymore. You can do this. I know you can." Bubbling over, this man was.

Confused, Kenobi appeared. "You know, I don't much like huggin another guy like this."

"And that's Ok. Do you know why? Because that's the way you feel, and that's ok. And that's what I want you to start telling yourself, that you're ok, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. You need to start loving yourself. None of this will work unless you love yourself. Obi-wan, I want you to repeat after me, 'I'm ok, and I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead, say it."

"Ok, but do you have to hold my hand like that while we do it?"

"Never mind that now, that's not important. I want you to say, 'I'm OK.' Go ahead, say it."

"I'm OK."

"Now say, 'I deserve not to be fat.' Go ahead."

"Uh, I deserve not to be fat."

"And 'I don't need to find love in a bag of Cheetos.'"

"Hey, now wait a minute. Don't say nothin about my Cheetos."

"Obi-wan, you're killing yourself, one Cheeto at a time. When you need a snack, you need to make a better choice."

"I ain't givin up my Cheetos."

"I just want you to make a better choice."

"I ain't doin' it and quit rubbin' my shoulders!"



Spare you the entire argument I will, but just say I will that into a slap-fight it turned into, and with Richard Simmons getting body slammed on the floor, it ended. A big rug burn on his face he had, and sobbing loudly he was as he left. Compared to Windu's usual plans, say I would that every expectation this one fulfilled.

Checked out my T-shirt store yet, have you? On the left, the banner is. Take you there it will.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Guest Poster - Harvey the Youngling [Topic: Wanna See Something Really Cool?]

Hi, Harvey the Youngling here. Um, Master Yoda said I could, um, write a post on his blog 'cause I been really good and I haven't tried to flush the cat down the toilet for a long long time, or anything. And I been tryin really hard, too, 'cause I don't wanna make Master Yoda mad or nothin 'cause he can get really mad!

Like this one time, when he like fell asleep, 'cause he falls asleep a lot, and so I put bonnet on him and I put a pacifier in his mouth and I put a baby rattle in his hand 'cause I thought it would be really funny. And well... hey, you guys want to see a picture of Master Yoda when he fell asleep that one time? Ok, here it is:

See, doesn't he look funny? I even asked Master Obi-wan before I did it, and he said it would be ok 'cause he thought it would be a pretty good joke. But then Master Yoda woke up and he was really mad and I had to clean the dookies out of Bob the Bantha's stable for like a whole month! And that is not fun! I got really really messy each time and it was really smelly, and Master Yoda made me take a bath after each time! And I don't even like baths, so sometimes I just run the water a little and wipe myself off with a towel and pretend like I took a bath, but Master Yoda, he always tells me he knows I didn't take a bath and he makes me go take a bath for real. He always sees through me or something, so I can't do anything!

Master Obi-wan, he doesn't get mad all the time like Master Yoda. He doesn't like taking baths either. He's really nice and he lets me come over and we dress like wrestlers, like he'll be Booker T and I'll be the Undertaker, and we'll like do all these cool wrestling moves and jump off the furniture and stuff, and it's really cool. And he taught me how to do all these cool armpit noises and say my name and burp at the same time. And we'll like eat Cheetos and watch Ernest movies. And sometimes he'll come to my room and we'll play with my Wonder Wookiee action figures and look at comic books and try to paint the cat and it's really fun.

Hey, you guys want to see my Wonder Wookiee action figures? Oh yeah, you can't 'cause this is on the Internet. Well, they're really neat. Maybe if Master Yoda lets me write on his blog again I can take a picture of them and show you. Or maybe you can come over and we could play with them. That would be really neat.

Well, anyways, Master Yoda will be back tomorrow, so I guess I'll go play now. So bye.

Monday, December 12, 2005

The Life That Would Be

So happy I am! A letter with Ed McMahon's picture on the envelope I just received! It turns out, already a winner I may be!

Good news this is! Use a million credits I could. Expensive, Bob the Bantha's medical and psychological bills are. Retire from the Order I could. Spend my days on a nice beach somewhere, I could.

Have to see Kenobi walk around the house in his tighty-whities scratching himself anymore I would not. No more spontaneous wrestling moves would I have to put up with. No more explaining Beetle Bailey to him every morning.

And worry about Young Skywalker borrowing my speeder then leaving mysterious stains in it, I would not have to. Need to listen to him "keepin it real" with his gangsta slang, I would not. Share the bathroom with his vast array of hair accoutrements I would not need to. No more finding his Spider-man Underoos on the bathroom floor.

And have to listen to Windu talk for hours at a time about how pretty he is, I would not. Never have to answer the question, "Does this make my butt look big?" anymore would I. No need to listen to his lectures about proper skin moisturization would there be.

Yes... sniff. Put up with that stuff anymore I would not have to... Sniff ... Yes, pretty nice that would be...

Maybe retire right away I would not. Yes, unfair to the Council that would be. Stay on for a while to train my replacement I would need to. Yes, take years that could.

Shut up, Young Skywalker! Crying I am not! Something in my eye there is!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Stranded In the Bathroom I Was

"Stranded" in the bathroom I was again. For the toilet paper I reached, and no toilet paper there was. Once again, put another roll on the roller, the person who used the last piece did not! So annoying this is! Another round of Force-wedgies I will have to administer soon.

Here, down around the ankles my pants were, so go get another roll, I could not. So using the Force, out I reached with my mind - down the hallway, around the corner, down the stairs, inside the supply closet, to the shelf on the left. Yes, sense the paper I could. For one of the rolls I reached. No, wait! The quilted kind that is not! The rough, sandpapery kind that is. Save it for Windu I must. To another box with my mind I reached. Yes, the soft, squeezable, quilted kind that was.

With the Force, one of the rolls I pulled out. Float out of the closet, up the stairs and down the hallway towards me, I made it. Then, resistance I felt. So more forcefully I pulled the roll. Floating towards me it resumed.

Finally, to me the roll came. Attached to it Kenobi. My pants I pulled up quickly, "Kenobi?! Doing what here, are you?"

"I saw this roll of toilet paper floatin down the hallway, and I thought, you know, that's perty cool and all, but we're short on toilet paper as it is. We cain't afford to have toilet paper just floatin away and escapin on us. So I grabbed it, but it drug me all the way here."

See I could that right he was. On his face, a big rug burn was.

"Hurt did that not?"

"Yeah, especially going up them stairs. I didn't know my head could get bumped so much and me still being alright."

"Kenobi," I said, "just let go why did you not?"

"'Cause ain't no roll of no toilet paper beat me yet, and and I wasn't about to let this one beat me, neither."

With Kenobi, sometimes better not to ask too many questions it is.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Movie Night: Pride and Prejudice

Tonight, movie night it was. Unfortunately, Yaddle's turn to pick the movie it was. So Pride and Prejudice we had to see.

Of course, delighted about this Windu was. The complete PBS miniseries on DVD he has. "Now that's a time when a man could be a pretty man, and wouldn't nobody say anything about it!"

As thrilled about this, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, Harvey the Youngling, and I were not. Unless several explosions or car chases the movie contains, likely to enjoy it we are not. But of course, if in the movie Sandra Bullock is, be convinced to see it I possibly could be (tell Dolly do not).

Before the movie, Harvey said that some popcorn he wanted. So to the concession stand I went. "One small popcorn, please," I said.

"Ok, that'll be 27 credits."

"No, a small popcorn I asked for."

"Yeah, that'll be 27 credits."

"No, just one bag of popcorn I want."

"Yeah, I know. 27 credits."

"But crazy that is!"

"Well, for just half a credit more you could get the 'Extra Jumbo' size."

"For that much, almost buy a popcorn farm I could."

Go much better when looking for seats we were, it did not.

"Um, Master Yoda," Harvey said, "I think I'm stuck to the floor."

Know how he got his face stuck to the floor, I do not. Use the Force I had to so that separate Harvey from the chewed gum and dried soda I could.

After awhile Kenobi said, "You know, I cain't follow this movie. It's so complicated. So many differnt actors. I don't know if it's supposed to be happenin in the past, right now, or in the future. And what's the deal with all them talkin animals and cartoon characters?"

"That ain't the movie we're watchin, O-dawg," Young Skywalker said, "That's the previews, yo. The movie ain't started yet."

Finally the previews ended, only twenty minutes after supposed to start the movie was. During the movie, the actress who played Lizzy I noticed. Very familiar she looked. Sure I was that seen her somewhere before I had:

Then I realized that confusing her with Senator Amidala, I must have been. Look exactly like the senator this actress does not. But fool people into thinking she is the Senator, I bet she could. Get that a lot, she must.

After a while, very bored I became. Know how much more of this girlie movie I could stand, I did not. Dragging on and on, this movie seemed to be. About to go crazy I was.

"Master Yoda," Harvey said, "I'm so bored! How long has it been since the movie started?"

At my watch I looked. "About 10 minutes." What?! Only 10 minutes?!

A feeling I had that a very long evening this would be. So excuses to get up I kept coming up with. But after using the restroom twice and getting more Coke once, running out of excuses I was. Over to Yaddle I leaned. "Need more popcorn, do you?"

"No, shhh!" she said. Fixated on the screen, she and Windu were.

Fidgeting in his seat Harvey was. Very impatient he was getting. But that I understood. At this point, care if Lizzy was ever going to marry Mr. Darcy, I did not.

"Master Yoda," Harvey asked, "why's everybody in the movie talkin funny? I can't understand anything they're saying."

"Speaking with British accents they are. Now still you should sit and quiet you should be. Like Master Obi-wan you should... Kenobi! Stop that!"

Throwing popcorn Kenobi was. To hit the head of a bald man who was sitting several rows in front of us, he was trying. Just then, up to us the theater manager came.

"Sir," he said to Kenobi, "I'm going to have to ask you to surrender your popcorn or leave the theater."

By dumping his popcorn on the manager, he responded. Seem to like that, the manager did not. Out of the theater he threw us. A sense of humor, some people have not.

Pretty angry about this, Yaddle and Windu were. But grateful to Kenobi I was. I think go watch something with Clint Eastwood in it I will so that regain my manhood I can.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Relaxation Techniques

Stressed out today I was. Very tense. So to spray Kenobi with the pressure washer I decided. Very effective at relaxing me that is. A great stress reliever it is, yes.

So relaxing for Kenobi that is not, but very clean it gets him. The only thing that can remove all those layers of Cheetos crust, it is.

Of course, sometimes confused Kenobi is, because no reason for the pressure washing there appears to be. Make sumething up, then I have to.
"Hey, whatya sprayin me for? I ain't done nothing this time!"

"Nothing I know about, you mean. Sure I am that done something you must have. Just know about it I do not. So just in case, this is."

Argue with that, he can not.

Know what else relaxes me, do you? Making Kenobi dance for his supper. So relaxing to watch him actually try to dance, it is not. Actually, kind of painful that is. Kind of like a floppy, rhythm-less ragdoll he is. So normally at that point away I look. But very relaxing, the actual making of him dance, it is.

Always fun, arguments with Windu are:
"Know I do not, Windu, but prettier than you, Brad Pitt may be."

"What?! Are you crazy? That boy doesn't even moisturize! There's not a shiny spot on his head! I... I... can't believe you would say something like that!"

Of course, then gardening there is. Very relaxing for me, gardening is. The folding lawn chair I get out, and just watch the Younglings do it all day I can.

Yes, many ways for me to relax there are.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Always In Motion the Future Is

Always in motion the Future is. Sometimes, let a Jedi know what may likely happen, the Force can. But show what definitely will happen, the Force cannot. Perhaps take comfort in that I can.

Something truly terrible in a vision I saw today while meditating I was. Very awful, yes. To shake, this vision made me. Very upsetting it was. Face this future I can not.

Like to see what I saw, would you?

If you think that able to stand it you are, scroll down to see it you can.

If younglings you have, send them out of the room you must. Too traumatic this image will be.

Hmm, perhaps show you I should not.

Sure you are that ready you are?

Last chance to stop this is.

OK, say do not that warn you I did not.

Oh, too terrible it is. The end of the Universe it will be, Jar-Jar-Mageddon.


Inspired in part by this post.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Guest Poster - Anakin Skywalker [Topic: That Geezer Is Trippin, Yo]


Wassup. This here's the Chosen One keepin it real on Y-Dawg's blog, yo.

Ok, check it - I don't know about Master Y, yo. That dude's been doin some serious trippin lately, fuh real. That geezer's so senile he don't know if he comin or goin.

Like the other day, I was chillin and watchin Cribs, yo. Then he starts all yellin at me all squinty-eyed and spit. He all like, "Young Skywalker! My eyeglasses, seen them have you?"

"Uh, Y-Dawg, they on..."

"Take them did you? Some kind of prank this is?"

"No, Master Y, they..."

"Getting tired of your foolishness I am..."

"Yo, G, you trippin. I'm like trying to tell you..."

"See through you I can, even if see you I can not. Get smart with me do not! Know where my glasses are do you?"

"Yo, just listen, Y-Dawg. I'm trying to tell..."

"Get away with this you will not. Find out the truth I will."

"Y, man, just listen..."

"Care how big you are, now, I do not. Still kick your butt I can. Want a Force-wedgie do you? Asking you for the last time I am - know where my glasses are, do you?"

"Nah, G. Ain't seen 'em."

"OK then. All you had to say, that was."

Yo, I figured that was easier than keep arguing with him. Especially when he was all 'give you a Force-wedgie I will'. I ain't tryin to hear that. I had enough of them Force-wedgies, yo. Not cool. Not cool.

The problem is, sometimes he'll forget he already gave me a Force-wedgie and double-dose me for the same offense or whatever. Then he start frontin, claimin it was because the first wedgie 'didn't take' or somethin. But that's all unconstitutionizzle. I even looked it up. That would be like "Final Jeopardy" and spit.

And I think why he be callin me "Young Skywalker" all the time is cause he don't remember my first name. Been here over half my life, and he can't remember "Anakin". Kinda demotivatin', yo.

Anyways, the Y-Man will be back here tomorrow to talk to you and spit, unless he forgets.


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Programming the VCR

Out tomorrow while Matlock is on, I will have to be. Stop a Separtist incursion on to Kashyyyk I must. Usually, schedule my smiting for when on, Matlock is not, I try. But unavoidable this time, it was.

So to program the VCR today I tried. Impossible that is! For an hour I fiddled with it. Figure it out I could not.

So Windu I called over. A long time he messed with it. Finally, his hands he threw up, "I give up! I even applied my Positive Pretty Thinking to it, and I still can't figure this thing out!"

Young Skywalker I called over. "I ain't never met a machine I couldn't figure out, yo," changed to, "Yo dawg, my brain don't feel too good right now. Seriously, yo. I think I sprained it or sumthin."

So other members of the Jedi Council I called in. For a long time, they worked on it. Still get it to progam we could not. Also, some of the best scientists working for the Republic I called in too. Figure it out, even they could not. Desperate I was, so some of those super smart Kaminoans (Kaminoins?,Kaminians? Kaminonese?) who figured out how to clone people, I had flown in.

At first, working out it was not. "This technology," one of the Kaminoans Lama Su said, "must come from a very advanced alien civilization. It is far too complex for us to figure out. Obviously, it was designed by and for beings who had a much higher capacity for thought than we have. Their brains must have been enormous."

But still, for 3 more hours, the Kamino scientists and the Jedi Masters worked on it. Finally, one of the scientists said, "We've done it! We've cracked the code! This VCR is programmed! Now, Master Yoda, you may simply sit back and let this device do the rest."

"Programmed it is?"

"Yes! It will record your program for you to watch at your leisure."

"Then figured it out, you have?"

"Oh, yes. We're quite sure we have every little thing about this device figured out.

"Then still flashing '12:00', why is it?"

Eventually, dwindling the crowd was. After dinnertime it was, and still figured out how to program the VCR we had not.

About that time, into the room Harvey the Youngling walked. "Whatsa matter, Master Yoda?"

"Oh, program the VCR we can not. Impossible it is."

"What time is your show on?" he asked.

"1:00 pm tomorrow. Ask why do you?"

"OK, it's all set. It's gonna record your show for you. Bye now."

What the - ? At the VCR I looked. Flashing '12:00' anymore it was not. The menu I checked. Set to record Matlock it was.

I think sick I am going to be.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Windu and His Weight

The other day, a sneaky thing we did. Yes, quite sneaky, Kenobi, Young Skywalker and I were. You see, when out Windu was, his full-length mirror we took out of his room. With one of those fun house mirrors that look fat it makes you, we replaced it. Hee Hee!

A worried look on his face he had when out of his room he came that morning. The first person he spoke to, Kenobi was.

"Tell me the truth, man, does my butt look big to you?" he said.

Pleased with this question, Kenobi did not seem. "I ain't lookin' at no nother feller's butt!" he started to say, but instead what he said this was, "Well, I didn't want to say nuthin, but it does seem a little bigger'n usual."

"What?!" A cow Windu almost had. "Oh, no, no, no! This will not stand! I must maintain my prettiness!"

"Going where are you?" I asked, "Coming down to breakfast you are not?"

"No time. I have to maintain The Pretty! I'm going down to run a couple of laps around the Temple."

The next day, a mirror that even fatter makes a person look, we snuck in his room. Heard coming from his room, a girlish shriek could be.

Over the course of the last week, tinkered with his bathroom scale we have. Now, several pounds it adds. Also, replaced all of his robes with much smaller ones we have.

Today, on the elevator we all got. Like stuck it was, I acted. "Wait," I said, "a weight limit it has."

At Windu we all looked. Off of the elevator he got. Then the button I pushed so up it went. Hee hee hee!

Always sweaty from constant exercise he is now. Jumping jacks during Council meetings he does. Taking a "spinning" class he is. Know what that was I did not. That dizzy you would get from that, I thought. Then, what it is Windu explained to me. Need to take a class to learn to ride and exercise bike, why would anyone? No sense that makes.

But the best thing, his diet is. Down to a diet of water and Tic Tacs, he is. But mess with him more I had to.

"Fat free water are you drinking, Windu?"

"What?! Isn't all water fat free?"

"Say 'fat free' on the label, does it?"


"Then fat free it must not be."

"Holy Mother of Jabba! I might as well have been drinking some kind of fat-juice this whole time! I'm going to go buy some fat free water right now!"

Still looking he is. Imagine the look on the clerks' faces I can, when 'fat free' water he asks for! Hee hee hee hee!

I think a pang of guilt I just felt. No wait. Indigestion that was.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Windu on Ice!]

I promised you people I would tell you about my career with the Ice Capades. Well I'm going to do just that with this post. You had better be prepared, because I am telling you - you will be moved. You will laugh, you will cry, you will be inspired.

The Ice Capades. Man, those were the days - the Golden Age of Mace! It was years ago, but it was a time when I could really throw myself out there. You know, bare my soul to the people. Let me tell you, there is nothing more thrilling than having your naked soul out there on the ice skating in front of all those people.

Of course, for a while, I wasn't as "out there" as I'd like to be. I mean, I spent the first several years of my career as the back half of Mr. Snuffleupagus in Sesame Street on Ice. I'm telling you, this was even less fun than it sounds. For one thing, let's just say that Larry, the man who was in the front half of the costume, was not what you would call a "bather". Do you know how hard it is to concentrate and skate your heart out when you have to put up with that funk? Do you?

But I would not be deterred. I persevered. I poured my heart into that role. Every night before the performance I would repeat my mantra, "I am Mr. Snuffleupagus' butt. Be the butt." Since you're not educated, I'll tell you, that's what you call "method acting". I was determined to be the best Snuffleupagus butt the world has every known! And I was, too! There were nights when I knew I had blown the audience away. I couldn't see them, but I could hear the crowd roar with applause. And I knew it was for me. It wasn't for Elmo. It wasn't for Big Bird. No sir! It was for me, Mr. Snuffleupagus' butt!

I just knew that if I applied myself, if I believed in my own prettiness, that someday I would be promoted to the front half of Snuffy. Then, one day, Larry got into some legal trouble (something about a DUI and unpaid child-support). Finally, I thought, now is my big chance! But it was not to be. Instead of promoting me to the front half, they replaced Larry with some nobody who just walked in off the street! I was mortified, insulted, offended, and nullified!

I quit man! I decided to take my prettiness to someone who would appreciate it. I had had enough of the disrespect, the mistreatment, the lack of appreciation. I knew I needed to be somewhere classier, somewhere my talents could really be put to use. So I auditioned for Disney on Ice. They had an opening for Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. I knew this would be my big break. I went out on the rink and skated like there was no tomorrow! I was on fire! And dang, I looked good!:

But that's how dreams get shattered, man. I skated better than any of those amatuers who auditioned. I understood the character. I was the candelabra. But they went with some one else, some half-wit who couldn't have been nearly as pretty as me.

So I decided to come back to the Jedi Order. In other words, I gave up on life, man. But I had to pay the rent some way. I had to decide between homelessness and spending the rest of my life listening to Yoda talk about his vericose veins. I'm still not sure I made the right choice.

Anyway, Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. I think I'm going to go have a good cry.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Noise Pollution in the Jedi Temple - Part II

Want to have to do this I did not. But no choice these doofuses left me! No peace and quiet could I get!

Still, perhaps too severe this punishment was. Maybe too cruel of me it was. Maybe gone too far this time I have.

Judge for yourself you can. This man I brought in, so that sing in the Temple hallways he could:

[Scroll down you must]

[For some of you, too upsetting this picture may be.]

Sing through a loud-speaker in the hallway between the rooms of the doofuses I talked about yesterday, I had him. Running out of their rooms with their hands on their ears, they came.

"For the love of all that is good and decent, make it stop!" Windu pleaded, "Please make it stop!"

But only half-way through his first album "Knight Lover", he was. Even gotten to "Life Is Mostly Beautiful With You" yet, he had not. Like to interrupt someone when working he is, I do not.

At one point, laying on the floor in the fetal position, Young Skywalker was. "I'm losing the will to live, yo."

I thought maybe a good time to stop that was. "Ok," I told the man, "Stop now you can."

"Ok, pal. But I haven't even gotten to my 'Everybody Sunshine' album yet," he said.

My earplugs I took out, "Sorry. What say did you?"

"Don't you want to hear 'Everybody Sunshine'?"

"Maybe next time. Bring the car next time you must."

A while for the Jedi to get back their equillibrium, it took. Perhaps too cruel this was. But now make so much noise those doofuses do not anymore. So less annoyed I am, and the most important thing that is.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Noise Pollution In the Jedi Temple

Too noisy around here it is. Some peace and quiet I need. In the next room, chatting on the phone with Senator Amidala, Windu is. Talking about nothing important they are. Swapping skin-care tips and trading gossip they are. Almost like "girlfriends" they have become. Weirding me out, it is.

In another room, watching wrestling while listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, Kenobi is. Yelling loudly at the TV he is, "Get up, Booker T! You can do it! Watch out for that feller behind you with the chair! Oh no! How could you miss that, Ref?! Why'd ya let that other feller distract ya? Didn't ya see the guy with the chair?!"

Better than to play his music loud enough for me to hear, Young Skywalker knows now. Instead, rapping to himself he is:

"Yo I'm the Chosen One
Best of all Jedis
I'm the Chosen One
Try me on for size
I'm the Chosen One
You can feast your eyes
I'm the Chosen One
Better recognize
wicky wicky wicky wicky wicky"

So annoying it would not be if make the "wicky wicky wicky" sound he did not.

Going to have to take drastic measures just to get some peace and quiet I am.


Some confusion about the T-shirt store there was. Written above the ad, "Sold Out I Have" my Stupid Intern had. Meant that sold out of T-shirts I had that did not! A stupid joke by my Stupid Intern that was. That sold out to commercialism I had he meant. Stupid Intern!

Anyway, plenty of T-shirts there are.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Take How Much Humiliation Can I?

So to the convenience store on the corner to get Yaddle's feminine products I went yesterday. Doing that I hate. So humiliating it is.

Anyway, determined not to be recognized I was, but for some reason uncomfortable my little disguise made Asok, the cashier:

"Oh, no, no, no," the clerk said, "Please do not shoot me, sir! I will gladly give you all the money in the cash register!"

"No," I said, "A stick-up this is n-"

"Yes, yes. I completely understand. Please, take the cash and go!"

To convince him that holding him up I was not, I tried. But work it did not. Finally, the store I left. But as walking out the door I was, suddenly surrounded by cops I found myself. Apparently, hit some kind of panic button, Asok had.

"Put down the cane, and put your hands in the air!" one of them yelled. Pointing their blasters at me they were.

"A misunderstanding this is!" I said.

"I said, put the cane down, now!"

My 'dangerous weapon' I put down and my hands I put up. To handcuff me one of the officers tried. But I decided that use the Jedi Mind trick on him I would.

My hand I waved.
"A mistake this is," I said, "Been committed here, no crime has. Let me go you will."

"Sir, are you going to cooperate," the officer asked, "or am I going to have to get out my Tazer?"

Ok, Plan B.

"A mistake this is. Been committed here no crime has. Let me go you will."

"This is a mistake," the cop said, "No crime has been committed here. You're free to go."

But still, Yaddle's feminine products I had not bought. So to a different store I went. This time, no mask I used. I hoped that maybe get in and out of there quickly I could.

Crowded the store was. Discreet I tried to be when up to the counter I went. "Excuse me," I whispered, "the kind with the wings these are?"

"I don't know," the man behind the counter said, then loudly he yelled to someone in the back of the store, "Hey Larry, are these the Maxis with the wings?"

"No!" I said, "Shhh!" Looking at me everyone was.

"Yeah," he kept yelling, "this little guy right wants to know."

"Hey," one of the customers said, "aren't you Master Yoda?"

"No, no. Yoda I am not. Just like him I look. A common mistake that is."

"Hey everybody, it's Master Yoda of the Jedi Council!"

My worst nightmare this was turning out to be. Finally, the product I bought. That my humiliation was over, I figured. But outside the door, paparazzi were waiting. This picture they snapped:

On the cover of the National Inquisitor it will be. I think just shoot myself I will.