Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Live This Down I Will Not

Very late last night, awakened by the General Alert alarm I was. Sound out this alarm will, if under attack the Jedi Temple is. Out of bed I jumped. My lightsaber I grabbed. Into the hallway I ran.

Windu, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, and others I saw.

"The trouble what is?" I asked.

"Oh, it's a false alarm. I think the cat tripped it again," Windu said.

Then, I noticed that looking at me everyone was. To snicker, they started.

"What? So funny, what is? What?!"

"Nice pajamas," Kenobi said.

Then, laughing loudly, everyone started.

Down I looked. Oh no. That never walk out of my room in these things, I promised myself. But time to think I had not. So humiliating this is!

Enjoy wearing the piggy footy pajamas I do not. But try to find pajamas in my size, you should! A large selection there is not!

Live this down, I will not.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Dooku Flapping In the Wind

Driving on Skyway 408 this morning I was. Minding my own business I was. Defensively I was driving. Yes, later I found out that blinking since I left the Temple garage, my turn signal was, but still safe I was being.

Suddenly, in front of me Dooku cut. Some nerve he has! At him I honked. Then something confusing he did. Seen anyone use that particular finger to signal a right turn, I have not. Like a Sith Lord, he drives, an old granny Sith Lord.

Tell it was Dooku, I could. Flopping in the wind, his comb-over was. There it was, a long flap of grey hair blowing to one side - exposing a shiny pink bald spot on the back of his head, it was.

In hair oil, Dooku bathes. The only way to keep all of his hair in place, it is. Off his head some of the oil was sliding since in the wind his hair was blowing. And since behind him I was, in my face some of it flew. Like that, I did not! Dooku cooties I have now!

Stupid Dooku and his stupid comb-over! With him and Windu, what is? Fooling no one, you doofuses are! How many times have to say that do I? At my head look. Bald I am. Bald I look. If a comb-over I grow, bald and foolish I will look.

Also, a goatee Dooku wears. Trying to compensate he is. Maybe trying to draw attention away from the top of his head he is. Or maybe he plans to grow out his goatee so long that comb it up and over his bald spot he can. Know I do not.

Know this, I do - the Dark Side, comb-overs are.

*** Sorry I am that so late this post was. Down, my Internet was. Stupid Coruscant OnLine! Cancel my service with COL I should! Hmph!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Oil Change

About time to have the oil changed in my airspeeder, it is. But raised its prices, Expedient Lube has. So today, the Younglings I had do it.

Good practice for seven- and eight-year-olds, it is. Besides, let them ride in my airspeeder I do not. So this way, at least close to riding in my airspeeder they get. Really, grateful they should be.

Also, learn their right from their left, it helps them. "Remember, young ones, 'Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosy'."

The Metric System, it teaches them. "No, a 12mm wrench for that you need."

How to work hard, they learn. "Do it faster you must. Timing you I am. Need a potty break you do not. Hold it in until finished you are, you can."

For some, sure what they learn I am not. "No, Harvey! Lick your fingers do not!"

See how beneficial for them it is, do you? A good Dad I would be.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

The New Temple Maid

Keep maids in the Temple we can not. Between Kenobi's trail of Cheetos and beer smushed into the carpet, and Young Skywalker's refusal to pick his Spidey/Batman Underoos up off the bathrooom floor after a shower he takes, very frustrated our maids get. A very high turnover we have, so bother to learn the janitorial staff's names I do not. Like livestock they are - if you name them, attached you will get.

Been interviewing prospective maids for a week, I have. Finally, a new maid I found:

Kind of attractive she is, I think. But matter that does not. Nothing to do with why I hired her, that has. (Though I think jealous of her, Master Yaddle is. "Trashy, she looks to me. Just look at how her hair she wears.")

Perfect she is not. Constantly using the Temple phones for personal calls, she is. Only phoning home, she says she is, but very long distance, her calls are. Also, a habit of taking apart our electronic gadgets like my Speak-and-Spell, she has. And tell you let me, hold her liquor she can not. After a couple of beers, tripping all over herself she is.

Though admit I must, good eye-candy she is.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Interrupt My Nap You Will Not

My naps I need. Cranky I get if get my nap I do not. Like me when I'm cranky, you would not. As see from my posts you can, a pleasant, friendly person I usually am. But when sleep-deprived I am, watch out! Bite your head off, I will.

This afternoon, trying to catch a few winks I was. But interrupted I was when a knock on my door I heard.

"Hey, Master? You in there?"

*Sigh* Kenobi it was.

"No. In here, no one is. Come back later, you should."

"Oh, OK then."

Footsteps I heard. Walking away, Kenobi started. Then, his footsteps stopped.

"Hey, wait a minute..."

Dang. Work this time it did not.

"Want what do you, Kenobi?"

"Have you seen my Cheetos? I keep losin' em."

"Look like what, do they?"

"Well, they look like, uh, them little orange crunchy cheesy things, what are they called? Oh yeah! Cheetos! They look like Cheetos. You seen 'em?"

"Hmm, little orange crunchy cheesy things. No, seen them I have not. Go away. Sleep now I must."

My eyes I closed. Cozy I got. About to drift off, I was.

Knock. Knock.

"Kenobi, go away I said!"

"It ain't Obs, G."

"Want what, do you, Young Skywalker?"

"I need to borrow your airspeeder, yo. I got a hot da- uh, I mean, I gotta protect Senator Amidala when she goes to the movies tonight."

"Been protecting Senator Amidala a lot lately, you have. A bodyguard she has, does she not?"

"Yeah, but you know how it is, Master Y. He ain't got game, yo. You know how we always gettin' his back every time Pads, I mean, Senator Amidala, is in danger or sumthin. A big-time senator like her needs a dude with my mad skillz, yo."

"Money for gas, have you?"

"Nah, but I knew you'd be cool and float me some ching, Y-Dawg."

"Well, wrong you were. Borrow my airspeeder you can not."

"What? That's whack, yo!"

"When a job you get, and pay for gas you can, then maybe let you borrow my airspeeder I will. Until then, 'protect' Senator Amidala on the bus you can."


"Go away! Sleep now I must!"

Heavy, my head was. Into my big pillow, it sank. Starting to dream I was, when...

Knock. Knock.


In Windu barged. "Yoda, I need to know. Does this look infected to you?"

Up I jumped. My lightsaber I drew. "Yes. Cut it off for you, let me. In fact, maybe an amputation you need."

Like a little girl, Windu screamed. Off he ran.

Bear the interruptions no longer I could. To be done, something had to. In the center of my room I stood. In deep meditation, my eyes I closed. Across the galaxy, with the Force I reached out. All of the hundreds of Jedi I could feel. And simultaneously, at the same instant, Force-wedgies every last one of them received.

Now see if interrupt my nap they can! Hmph!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

One Big Cheeto

Getting out of hand, Kenobi's Cheeto addiction has. Even when eating Cheetos he is not, tell tell he is an addict you can. The bright orange fingers of a junkie he has. Been trying to hide his Cheetos lately, I have. Been dealing with that well, he has not. The shakes, he has. Nervous all the time, he is.

Today, doing some vacuuming I was. Getting clogged with Cheetos crumbs, my vacuum cleaner was. Trouble pulling that stupid bag out of the cleaner I always have. This time, too hard I yanked. A cloud of orange dust came out. Completely covered in it I was.

"Kenobi," I said, "stop looking at me like that, you must."

"I can't help it. It's making me hungry, seeing you like that. You're like one big Cheeto. A big Cheeto with deliciously pointed ears."

Starting to get nervous, I was.

"Now Kenobi, calm down you must. A Cheeto I am not. Kenobi..."

A wild look in his eye he got. Down his cheek, some drool was running. Slowly moving towards me, he was.

"Kenobi, me it is, Yoda. Kenobi? Put down that fork, you must."

My cane I swung. On his head, I smacked him.

"Ow! That hurt, Master!"

"To do something I had to. A big Cheeto you thought I was."

"Mmm, big Cheeto. Must have big Cheeto."

Retire I should. Soon.

Too Old For the Park I Am

To the park, I took the Younglings today. A bunch of yard apes, they are. Time to use some of that excess energy they need.

At one point, down the street an ice cream truck came. Playing loudly a very obnoxious jingle it was. Of course, like a bunch of monkeys in the zoo at feeding time, towards the truck the Younglings ran. Fifteen credits worth of ice cream I ended up buying.

"Give you twenty credits I will, if that annoying music you turn off," I told the ice cream man.

"How about thirty?"

"How about that music you turn off, and slice your truck up with my lightsaber I do not?"

The music he turned off. No wonder, known for my skills in diplomacy I am.

Of course, on the ground, Harvey eventually dropped his ice cream.

"Harvey! Eat that do not! On the ground that has been!"

"But I picked most of the bugs and rocks out of it! Come on, please? Master Ke..."

"Care what Master Kenobi does, I do not!"

Stop Kenobi from hanging out with the Younglings I must.

Anyway, to cheer Harvey up, to play on the teeter-totter with him I agreed. Unfortunately, a little chubby, Harvey is. Down he went. Up I stayed. Up and down on my seat I jumped. Nothing. On my end, three Younglings joined me. Still nothing.

About to cheat and use the Force I was. But suddenly, back the ice cream truck came.

"Ooh! More ice cream!" Harvey yelled. About to jump off his seat, he was.

"Wait, Harvey, no!"

Too late it was. Up he jumped and down we dropped. Before I knew it, on the asphalt in a pile of Younglings I was.

I think maybe let Windu take the Younglings to the park next time, I will.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Fitting For A Revered Jedi Master This Is Not

Today, my laundry I was doing. Always careful to separate my clothes I am. In one pile, colors go. In another pile, whites go. Of course, hard this is not, since only one robe and an undergarment I have.

Going fine everything was until my robe from the washer I pulled out. Pink it was! In the washer I looked. Filled with Spider-Man Underoos it was!

"Young Skywalker!" I yelled.

"Wassup, Little Y?"

"'Up what is'?! 'Up what is'?! Your Spidey Underoos you threw in with my laundry!"

"Yeah, I saw you was doin your laundrizzy and thought, shuh, I might as well toss my stuff in too, yo. Anyways, be cool and throw my threads in the dryer for me, a'ight?"

The Force-wedgie I performed on Young Skywalker before even a chance to think about it I had. A reflex action it has become now.

Laughed out of the Council chamber I will be now! Supposed to face Sith Lords like this, how am I?

Happy I am not. Going to go smite down someone evil now, I am. Maybe make me feel better, it will.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Keywords: Looking For Me You Were Not

An amazing tool, the Jedi Archives are. Another name for this tool, Google is. Found out I have that finding my blog through this tool Google, as well as Yahoo and MSN, some people are

Odd some of the "keywords" people use are:

"sexy women bloggers" - Sexy I am, yes. A blogger I am. But the last time I checked, a woman I am not! Very confusing this is, yes.

"Jackie Chan master with crack finger" - Sense this makes. A very famous Jedi, Master Chan is. Logical it would be to expect to find information on him here. Too bad it is that no information on him here there is. As far as the 'crack finger' - another victim of nose-picking he is (see last post you should). About the dangers of "digging for the green gold" I warned him. Now a cracked finger he has.

"getting rid of hickies" - Maybe looking for Young Skywalker's blog they are.

"" - Into Google, someone typed this. Very good. The entire url for this blog they remembered. Now, if only figure out where to type the url, they can.

"the name of the female that is related to Yoda" - "Mommy" I call her.

"Yoda's advice on beer" - The uglier you are, the more you should drink. And the more everyone who has to look at you should.

"Yoda tattoo" - Available in the Jedi Temple Gift Shop, these are. See Butch, you should. The one with the pierced tongue he is.

"bikini pictures of padme amidala" - Sorry. Sold these to the National Inquisitor, I have.

"black velvet paintings, Willie Nelson" - A blog, not a flea-market this is. Check the next yard sale in the nearest trailer park, you should.

"orange babboon spiders information" - Eep! Lived my whole life I could have without knowing that such a thing there is as Orange Babboon Sssssp..... Orange Babbon Sssssp.... Orange Babboon Sssssp... Say the "S word" I can not. Great! Now sleep tonight I will not! Worrying about Orange Babboon Ssssssp... I will be.

"vidal sassoon shampoo" - Definately looking for Young Skywalker's blog they are.

Track the traffic for your blog, do you? Post in the comments here what strange keywords people typed when your blog they found, you must.

Harvey the Youngling

Special attention Younglings need. More attention than others, some Younglings require.

"Harvey! Stop picking your nose, you must!"

"I wasn't picking my nose, Master Yoda! I swear!"

"See through you, I can, Harvey. A nose-picker you are, and a booger-eater. Come here, next to Master Yoda sit. Now, Harvey, to what, nose-picking leads? Remember? Told you many times I have."

"Green fingers?"

*Sigh* "The Dark Side, Harvey. To the Dark Side nose-picking leads. Want to grow up to be a Sith Lord, you do not, do you?"


"Good. Then speak no more of this we shall."

"But Master Kenobi picks his nose all the time."

"Want you to hang out with Master Kenobi anymore, I do not. A bad influence on you he is."

"Aw, but he was goin' to show me a buncha neat wrestling moves, and how to make armpit noises, and how to burp and say my name at the same time, and we were going to eat Cheetos, and watch Ernest Goes to Camp and a monster truck show and midget wrestling, and, and...!"

"Argue with me do not. Now go, wash your hands you must. And touch any of Master Yoda's stuff on the way to the bathroom do not."

Make the same mistake with Harvey that I made with Dooku, I will not. Always in his nose, Dooku's finger was. Now, at him look. If only stricter about the "no picking" rule I had been, maybe be a Sith Lord he would not. And if only stricter with Kenobi about the "no scratching" rule I had been... but a subject for another post that is.

Something Different About Jar Jar Binks There Is

Something different about Jar Jar Binks there is. Quite put my finger on it, I can not. Just different somehow, he is.

Maybe tell what's different about him, you can.

Maybe nothing it is.

Very observant I am. Maybe too observant in this instance I am. However, pick up on little things I can. Very perceptive I can be. See subtle things that others cannot, I can.

[scroll down you must]

Know I do not. See anything different about Jar Jar, do you?

I know. Maybe lost some weight he has. No... Done something different with his hair has he? No... Hair he has not. Hmm, oh! Gained weight he has. Yes, that it must be.

Amazing powers of perception I have. Right away, I noticed that. See how observant I am?

Acting a little strange he has been today, too. He asked me, "Hey, do you remember where I...uh, I mean Yousa rememberen wheresa meesa keeps meesa checkbook? Yousa knowen meesa PIN number for der ATM? Wassa meesa social security number? Meesa forgets."

Forget these things Jar Jar does. Fortunately for him, told me his PIN number, social security number, and where his checkbook he keeps, he has. So able to help him out with these things today I was.

Ask him later I will why so different he seems. If bothering him something is, maybe help him I can. A good thing for him it is that so perceptive I am.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Inconvenient My Height Is

Sometimes, very inconvenient, my height can be. Broken my hover-chair was, so spend the whole day today talking to Windu like this, I had to:

Offer to bend down once did he? Hmph! Freakishly tall he is. Very painful this was. Still, be so bad this would not, but stuck like this my neck became:

A lot to me this happens. A drag it is. Whenever this happens, go out I cannot, because always this happens:

To explain I used to try that looking at nothing I am, just stuck my neck is. But too much trouble that became.

Unfortunately, annoyed some people get:

"What you looking up at, Fool?"

Safe, even kitty cats are not:

The next time Windu I see, whack him in the shins with my cane I will. Yes, make me feel better that will.

Livin' Like Little Yoda

A song about me, interplanetary pop sensation Rik-Ee Mortan has written. Better it would be if written it, Dolly had, but still honored I am.

Here the lyrics are:

"Livin' Like Little Yoda"
by Rik-Ee Mortan

He's into Dolly Parton, the Force, and Jedi Law
He'll get his senior discount or that dude is gonna brawl
He's teaches all the younglings to avoid that old Dark Side
You better pay attention or he'll whip your sorry hide

He'll make you take your clothes off and do push-ups in the rain
Or you'll strap him on your back and run till you feel the pain
You had better not complain! Come on!

Dark Side should watch out, livin' like little Yoda
Sith Lords he'll smite you down, livin' like little Yoda
His skin is snotty green the same color as lime soda
He will wear you out livin' like little Yoda

He's friends with all the Wookiees he ignores their funky smell
He'll hang out with his old pal Chewie
Who carries him so his feet don't swell
He'll make you face all your fears just stay away from that big tree
Afraid yet are you, young Padawan? Good! You will be!
Don't lie. Through you he can see.

Dark Side should watch out, livin' like little Yoda
Sith Lords he'll smite you down, livin' like little Yoda
His skin is snotty green the same color as lime soda
He will wear you out livin' like little Yoda

He'll make you take your clothes off and do push-ups in the rain
Or you'll strap him on your back and run till you feel the pain
You had better not complain! Come on!

Dark Side should watch out, livin' like little Yoda
Sith Lords he'll smite you down, livin' like little Yoda
His skin is snotty green the same color as lime soda
He will wear you out livin' like little Yoda

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Paste Problems

Hard enough, teaching Younglings is. Need this sort of thing I do not.

"Master Yoda, I'm out of paste."

"Harvey, been eating your paste again, you have not, have you?"

"No, Master Yoda."

"Then happened to your paste, what has?".

Behind him Harvey pointed.

"Kenobi!! Doing here what are you?!"

There Kenobi was, sitting at one of the tiny desks with paste on his mouth, beard, and fingers.

"Supposed to be here you are not! And stop eating the Younglings' paste, you must! Setting what kind of example for them are you?" Furious I was.

"I'm setting a good example!" Kenobi said, "See, I'm even using a fork."

Indeed, using a fork he was.

"He ate my crayons, too, Master Yoda." Harvey said.

"Tattle-tale!" Kenobi retorted.

To sit in the corner, I made Kenobi. Plus, stay after class and write on the blackboard a 100 times he had to: "A grown man I am. Eat paste or crayons I will not."

Right, that boy is not.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Oh, The Minds of Younglings

On a field trip I took the Temple Younglings today. To Coruscant Natural History museum we went. Many questions they had. Oh, the minds of Younglings.

"Master Yoda, how old were you when dinosaurs roamed the planet?"

"That old Master Yoda is not. Long before Master Yoda was born, dinosaurs died out."

"Did you have any pet dinosaurs?"

"Been listening have you? That old I am not."

"Master Yoda, what did you do before language was invented? Did you draw those cartoons on cave walls?"

"Already around when I was born, language was."

"Master Yoda, what were you doing at the 'Dawn of Man'?"

"Born yet, I was not. Next question."

"Master Yoda, which is older, you or dirt?"

"Ok, getting insulting this is. Hurting Master Yoda's feelings you are. Much older than Master Yoda, dirt is. Any questions that aren't about my age, have you?"

"Master Yoda, what did you feed the dinosaurs?"

"No more questions about dinosaurs! Hmph!"

"Master Yoda, were you sad when everything else evolved, and you didn't?"

"Getting a timeout someone is if stop this does not."

"Master Yoda?"

"Yes, Harvey."

"I have to go potty."

"Supposed to go before we left the Temple, you were. Hold it for ten more minutes you can not?"

"I don't think so."

"Ok, to go potty how many of you need? Your hands raise... All of you? Ok, to go potty Master Yoda needs too. Come on."

Always, an aspirin I need at the end of field trips.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Why Fall Asleep In Home Depot You Should Not

To Home Depot I went today. A lock on my bedroom door I decided to put. A good idea I thought it would be, since anonymous threatening notes I have been getting.

Besides, in his sleep Kenobi walks. One time, into my bed he climbed. Seven years old again he was, he thought. With his teddy bear he confused me! Like to talk about that, I do not.

Anyway, browsing through the gardening section I was. Afternoon it was, but had my nap I had not. Getting very sleepy I was. Almost 900 years old I am, my daily nap I need. Mean to I did not, but in the gardening section I fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, waking up in someone's front yard I was!

"Hey! Doing here, what am I?" I said.

"Honey, the garden gnome is talking!"

"A garden gnome I am not!"

Force-wedgies I gave the whole family before leaving. Weird. The third time this month this was that happened to me that has.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Flashback: Young Skywalker, The Early Years

Like yesterday, Qui-Gon's funeral I remember. To the side, I pulled Young Kenobi.

"Confer on you, the level of Jedi Knight the Council does."

*Bwaaarp* "Cool."

Make Kenobi think we trusted him, I wanted. But a Knight we made him because take him as their Padawan, no one would. Responsibility for that, no one wanted. However, still the issue of Young Skywalker there was.

"But agree on you taking this boy as your Padawan learner I do not."

"Look, I done promised Qui-Gon. I got to train the brat. Even if the Council don't like it none."

"Qui-Gon's airheadedness I sense in you. Need that you do not. Agree, the Council does. Your apprentice Young Skywalker will be."

Usually, trained at the Temple as part of a group, a youngling is before someone's apprentice he becomes. But right away, Kenobi's apprentice we made Young Skywalker. We said that because of his age, it was. The truth is, no slow classes at the Temple we had. To the Temple, no short bus comes.

Over the next several months, concerned about these two I would become.

"Teach your apprentice what today, did you Kenobi?"

"Well, today I taught him how to write his name in the snow. At first, it was kinda hard, because he has a long name. He had to stop at 'Ani'. But then I had him drink more water, and he was able to finish."

"What? Kenobi! Taught him anything about the Force, have you?"

"Sure, I have. Anakin, come over here and show Master Yoda that Force trick I taught you."

Then, to play the entire William Tell Overture with his armpits, Young Skywalker proceeded.

"Impressive, that is, yes. But useful, how is that?"

"Well, it impressed that there Twi'lek girl we were talkin' to today."

Even more concerned I became when about their missions I would ask Kenobi.

"So, Kenobi, able to fight your way out of the fire forests of Kandinar you were. Commendable that was."

"Well, actually Anakin saved me from that one."

"Kenobi! Only ten years old this youngling is! Saved you three times already he has! Fight your own battles can you not?"

"Actually, Master Yoda," said Young Skywalker, "I saved him a whole bunch more times than that. There was that time in the Solarian viper pit, and the time he was fighting that two-headed Grandaark, and the lightsaber duel with that Sith lord, and time he was surrounded by droid soldiers, and that time he was captured by the Hutts, and..."

"OK, Ani," Kenobi said, "that's enough for now."

"...and the time that little old lady started smacking him with her purse..."

"Ani! I said that's enough!"

Start to understand Young Skywalker now, do you? More to tell there is. Maybe in the future tell you more about this I will.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Snickering Doofuses

Today, an important meeting among key Jedi Masters and Knights we held. Very important matters to discuss, we had. Very serious it was.

Which is why invite Kenobi, I should not have. Before long, snickering to themselves, Kenobi and Young Skywalker were. See I could that showing a piece of paper to Young Skywalker, Kenobi was.

"Funny, something is, Gentlemen?" I asked.

Suddenly, serious they tried to look.

"No, no," Kenobi said. Then at Young Skywalker he looked, and snickering again they both started.

"Funny something is, or be snickering you would not. Care to share your joke with the whole group, would you?"

"No, that's alright."

"What have you there?"

"Nothing! It's just notes I've been taking."

Yeah, right. Literate enough to take notes, Kenobi is not. Across the table I reached, and the piece of paper I snatched:

Hmph! Very mature, Kenobi. See I can that take away his crayons again, I will have to. And maybe time for Kenobi to have another session with the pressure washer it is.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Willy, Wilber, and Windu

Tonight, movie night it was. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory we saw.

Confused I was. Read this book to the younglings many times I have. But remember Willy Wonka being a girl, I do not. On the other hand, how much he relates to the Wonka character, Windu kept saying. Shut up, Windu.

Explain it I can not, but familiar one of the actors looked. The one who played the dentist Dr. Wilbur Wonka (Willy's father) it was. Familiar he looked, but place him I could not. However, the urge to draw my lightsaber I would get whenever on the screen he would be:

To get refreshments we sent Young Skywalker. A big tub of popcorn for us to share, he brought back. A bad idea that was. Known better he should have.

Before long, in his hand Kenobi sneezed. Then on his robe, Kenobi wiped his hand. Of course, reach into the popcorn tub with that hand he had to.

"Have the rest, you can." I said. Then with the Force, spill the Popcorn on his head I made him.

At the end, crying like a baby, Windu was.

"Windu, crying why are you? A happy ending that was."

"I know, but it was just so touching, man."

Shut up, Windu.

*** Based on your votes on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, created a "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits" compilation of posts, I have. On the right-hand side of this blog, it is. Use only the top 10 posts, I wanted to. But for 10th place, four posts tied.

Thank you to everyone who voted.

Also, a minor change to the blog I made. Now on the front page, only see the last two weeks of posts you will. In the archives, the rest of the posts will be. Hopefully, make this blog load faster, this will. Almost 900 years old I am. Time to wait for web pages to load, I have not!


About to show you something truly awful, I am. Very disturbing it is. Perhaps look at it you should not.

Hmm, yes. Scroll down, you should not.

If younglings you have, send them in the other room you should. Too intense for them it is.

Make you sick, this will. Responsible for any trauma, I am not.

Still scrolling down you are? No, no. Stop here you should. No farther you should go.

Oh, a sick person you are. Very well, see these disturbing images you will, if you must:

Warn you, I tried. So terrible this is! My entire collection of Dolly pictures, someone defaced! Plus Dolly's good name, they insulted. Words like "tramp" and "hussy", and other words which mention here I can not, they wrote on the pictures.

Also, this note, the perpetrator wrote:

"What see you in this hoochie, I know not. Trailer trash she is.

Have what, she does, that I have not?

Besides, if have you I can not, then have you no one will!

P.S. Another clue: As tall as you are, I am not."

Hmm, as tall as me, this person is not. A short list of people that would be, to speak. Be, who could it? Gary Coleman, maybe? Ross Perot? Danny DeVito? Mickey Rooney?

*** Voted for your favorite Yoda post yet, have you? Open for only one more day, voting is. Please, if done so you have not, state in the comments for the 100th post why you chose the post you chose, you should.

At the bottom of the 100th post, the link to the poll is. Thank you to everyone who participated.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Shopping At The Giggly Piggly

Grocery shopping at the Giggly Piggly today I went. Like shopping there I do not. Those automatic doors with the motion detectors it has. Short I am, so see me, the motion detector does not. Open, the doors would not.

Up I jumped, and my arms I waved. Still nothing. My cane I waved around. Nothing. Finally an old lady I picked up with the Force and in the air I waved her around. The trick, that did. Later, Windu pointed out that just slide the doors open with the Force, I could have. Hmm, yes. Remember that for next time, I will.

Find the Believe That Butter It Is Not, I Can Not I could not. Important that item was. Using real butter I have stopped, because getting a little pot belly Kenobi is. Besides, a coupon I had.

The teenager stocking the milk I asked, "Where the Believe That Butter It Is Not, I Can Not is?"

"The what?"

"Find the Believe That Butter It Is Not, I Can Not I can not. Point me to the Believe That Butter It Is Not, I Can Not can you?"


*sigh* "Tell me where is the Believe That Butter It Is Not, I Can Not can you not?"

"What're you lookin for, butter?"

"No! Use butter I can not. A substitute I need."

"Oh, you know what? We have this great product. It's called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."


Then, long the line at the register was. Fortunately, reading material there was. But way more about Brad/Angelina/Jennifer than I wanted, I learned.

Finally, her cart the lady in front of me emptied.

The last item, the cashier scanned. "That will be 100 credits."

"Hmm," the lady said, "I only got 20 credits. How much is it without this Snicker's bar?"

Scan. "99 credits. 79 credits to go."

"Ok, how much is it without this pack of gum?"

Scan. "98.5 credits."

Aaaaaah! On and on like this it went. Stand it anymore I could not. I yelled, "Look! Happen to notice did you that prices on the shelves there are?! Or maybe given up entirely on Math you have?!"

Like that, the lady did not. Respond well to constructive criticism, some do not.

At last, my turn it was.

"Paper or plastic, sir?"

Hmm, kill trees or clog landfills. Difficult choice it was. Then it occured to me - if more trees we kill, more room for landfills there will be. So paper I chose.

My hand I waved at the cashier. "Double-coupon day it is."

"It's double-coupon day today."

Some compensation for my aggravation I needed.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Windu's New Part-Time Job

Decided to get a part-time job in addition to his Jedi duties, Windu has. Like this I do not. Lose focus, he will.

"You don't understand, man. My Jedi salary isn't enough to cover my skin-care needs." he said at the last Council meeting.

My head I shook. "The same as all the other masters you make. Paid the same as me, you are. Just fine, the rest of us do."

"Yeah, but you guys should look at your skin. I mean it, man. But I'm different. My public expects a certain amount of beauty from me, you dig? I have to maintain."

Allowed by the Jedi Code under certain circumstances, moonlighting is. However, prohibit moonlighting, the Code does, if embarrass the Order, the Jedi's second job does. I think qualify this does:

A job at the McBurgerland down the street he got. Like their mascot, Happy McBurgerbra, they have him dress. Stand on the corner and hand out fliers he must. The job suits him, he says, because wanting to get back into the "performance arts" he has. If considered "performing", acting like an idiot for minimum wage is, then true his dream has become.

*** Voted for your favorite Yoda post yet, have you? Vote here you can. Also, if state in the comments for last Saturday's post (the 100th) why you chose the post you chose, you could, appreciate it I would.

**** Another tribute! This time on Oola's blog it is. Wait... all these tributes...dying I am not, am I? Something I should know, is there?

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Kenobi, Pizza Licker

Tonight, pizza we ordered. At first, want to order the pizza I did not, because support the mafia, I will not. But then Windu explained to me that nothing to do with organized crime, Godfather's Pizza has.

Eating pizza with Kenobi, I hate. Always the biggest piece, he grabs. And more than his share of pieces, he takes. Why he bothers, I know not, because wearing more than he eats, he ends up.

But tonight, going to beat him at his own game, I was. In line before him, I got. About to reach for the biggest piece I was, when his finger Kenobi licked, and into that piece he stuck it. "Want that piece you did not, did you?"

Gross!! I hate it when that he does!

"Kenobi!" I said, "The manners of a baboon you have! About to take that piece, I was!"

That obnoxious laugh of his, he did. "Too slow you are."

Then, simply take the piece he did not. "Accidentally" take with it all the toppings off of the pieces next to his piece, he had to. Act like he was sorry, did he? Of course not! A big smirk he had. Then, a big swig of his beer he took.

So the Force I used, and snort his beer out his nose, I made him. Pretty painful it looked. Sorry he is now, I bet.

*** Voted for your favorite Yoda post yet, have you? Vote here you can. Also, if state in the comments for last Saturday's post (the 100th) why you chose the post you chose, you could, appreciate it I would.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Nothing Wrong With the Way I Drive There Is

Fighting traffic again, I was today. Honking at me, all the lunatics were.

Yes, a little slow I drive. Aware of this I am. An old person I am, what I do it is. The first old person you've met, am I? Besides, barely see over the steering wheel I can, so want me to go fast, you do not!

Make me go faster, your honking will not. Besides, I think that very reasonable, 35 mph in a 500 mph zone is. Only 465 miles under the speed limit that is.

And yes, forget to turn my blinker off sometimes, I will. But a big deal this is not. Usually notice it after a couple hundred miles, I will.

But, different today was. Honking at me, even more people were. Finally, behind me I looked, and what I saw, this was:

What the - ? Been dragging Jar Jar that way for 20 miles, I must have. How stuck to my rear bumper his tongue got, I know not. Want to know I do not.

***Vote for your favorite Yoda post yet, have you? If not, please do so here. Why you chose the post you chose, I want to know. So please, in the comments on last Saturday's (100th) post, explain your choice you should. Thank you!

****Paid a tribute to me on their blogs for my 100th post, JawaJuice, Fluke Starbucker, and Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator have.

Guest Poster: Padmé Amidala [Topic: Sabs]

So like, my best girlfriend Sabé, who is like, also my body double in case someone tries to like, off me or something, is all over my case and stuff and being like a major pain lately, you know?

She's all like, "It's like you want me to get shot or something, Pads. I swear."

And I'm like, "Oh that is like so not true."

And she's like, "Yah, right."

And I'm like, "Yah!"

And she's like, "No way!"

And I'm like, "Way!"



Anyways, like how can she even say that? Just because I'm like a big time senator and she's like a lowly handmaiden, and her life is like way less important than mine, doesn't mean she's not one of my peeps, you know?

I mean, like we go way back. Like all the way back when I was a queen and like even more important and valuable than I am now. Yeah, like she was still my decoy and stuff back then, but we were like so close and stuff. Like I would've just died or something if she had like, gotten hurt or anything. I so would've like, stepped between her and one of those blaster thingies, you know?

And like I even designed this gorgeous little dress for her myself, which is like a major deal 'cause I was a big time queen, and like big time queens don't design dresses for handmaidens. I even put a cute little red and white round thingy on the front, 'cause it's like the interplanetary symbol for friendship and stuff. But she is like so unappreciative and junk.

I mean, OK, so like I did try to feed her to a Wookie once, but that was like only one time and I was totally mad at her 'cause there was this cute little tube top I saw at the mall, and like she knew I wanted it really bad, but like she went and bought it for herself anyways even though it was the very last one they had. So I was like, totally justified.

But, I mean, she's like my sister, you know? Want her dead? Yah, as if! I totally don't know what I would even do without my Sabs. I like, don't even know where she gets a totally lame idea like that.

***Oh, yeah, Master Yoda wanted me to remind you guys that you like need to vote for your favorite Yoda post on account of yesterday was like his 100th post and stuff. Also, he wants you to, like write in the comments of yesterday's post why you like chose the post you chose or whatever.

Voting's like really important and stuff. I don't know why it's so important, but I'm a big time Senator, so you can like take my word for it. Anyways, you can vote here.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

100th Post! Your Vote I Need

A long day I had today. Able to do my usual Saturday morning garage sale hopping, I was not. An early meeting with the Chancellor I had. Expecting to discuss important Republic business, I was. Instead, the whole time showing me his collection of feather boas, he spent. What a man needs with feather boas, I know not. Creepy that guy is.

Then, in front of the Galactic Senate Appropriations Committee, I testified. Slash our cookie budget in half, they might. Be happy about this, the Jedi will not. Cranky they get, when interfered with, their cookie privileges are. An hour I spent, trying to justify why purchase Oreos and not Hydrox cookies we must.

After that, a long afternoon of smiting down Grievous' and Dooku's evil minions I had. Usually, fun for me, the smiting down of evil minions is. But by noon, very tired I was already. Much half-hearted smiting I did.

Of course, a picnic, getting back home was not. A nightmare, traffic was. A hover-mattress truck jack-knifed, so hover-mattresses all over Airway 408 it spilled. Four lanes of traffic this backed up, all the way to... where I know not. Tell one spot from another on Coruscant I cannot. Like to know who the Doofus is who thought a good idea it would be to turn an entire planet into one big city, I that strangle him I can.

Worn out I was, when home I got. Looking forward to a nice bubble bath and then bed, I was. But as soon as the door I opened, out from the closet and behind the furniture, a whole bunch of people jumped. "SURPRISE!!" they yelled at me.

A surprise attack this was, I thought! Though, usually yell "Surprise!" when about to attack, the Sith do not. So, my lightsaber I drew. About to smite down the first attacker, I was, when Jar Jar it was, I realized.

"Please Yoda, noah killen meesa! Meesa yousa friend! Weesa throwen yousa der biiiiig surprise party!"

A surprise party? Around I looked, and a bunch of Jedi, a couple of Senators, and several Wookies, I saw. Odd it is that kill Jar Jar, they almost let me. No, on second thought, so odd that is not.

"A surprise party for me? The occasion what is?" I said.

That my 100th post this is, it turns out. Big deal. My 100th corn, I just had removed. Celebrating that, I am not. Still, nice of everyone to throw me a party, it was. Very wild it got. Much drinking there was. A couple of times to our front door, the cops came. Called them the neighbors had. Too loud we were.

After a few beers, into the spirit even Windu got:

Right before he passed out, this was. Hold his liquor, he can not.

Anyway, your vote I need! Going to add a list of previous posts called "The Best of Master Yoda", I am. Determine which posts are listed there, your votes will. A list of the 10 most popular posts it will be. Vote here for your favorite Master Yoda post, you can. Open for one week, the voting will be, so take your time you can... but take too much time do not!

Also, if say in the comments why you chose the post you chose, you could, appreciate it I would.

Vote here.

***Special thanks to JawaJuice for the "Yoda 100" pic.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Dinner With Doofuses

Out to dinner, Senator Organa invited me. A great honor this was. A very important senator, he is.

"Bring Master Windu and Master Kenobi along, why don't you?" he said.

Uh oh.

Go so well, it did not. First, out of booster seats, they were:

Then, impress the senator with this trick, Kenobi did not:

Then, one or five too many glasses of wine, Windu had:

Know why I go anywhere with those Doofuses, I do not.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

A Morning Person I Am Not

A morning person I am not. No different, this morning was. That yucky morning taste, my mouth had. (Want to kiss me in the morning you would not.) So into the bathroom to brush my teeth, I stumbled. Barely open, my eyes were.

Still, easy to pick my toothbrush out, it was. Next to Young Skywalker's Spider-Man toothbrush it hangs. On the sink for my toothpaste, I felt around. The tube I grabbed and on my toothbrush I squeezed some paste. Very vigorously, I started brushing.

Then, very awake I became! Awful, the toothpaste tasted. So at the tube I looked. My Freshmint-Flavored Aquafresh Tartar-Control w/Extra Whitening Action Cool Gel it was not! Young Skywalker's hair-sculpting paste it was!

Stupid Young Skywalker and his dozens of hair accoutrements! Fourty different hair-care products on the sink there must have been! Gotten on to him about this before I have!

Over and over again, my mouth I rinsed out. But able to get rid of the taste I was not! Eventually, numb my mouth went. Very inconvenient this was. Eat my Cap'n Crunch, I could not. Out of my mouth, the milk kept dribbling. Yell at my Stupid Intern, I could not.

A very bad day I had. Yes, very bad it was.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Petition

Left under my door, this was.

Petition to Oppose the Purchase of One Pooper Scooter by Jedi Master Yoda

To: Master Yoda, Jedi Order, henceforth referred to as "Petitionee"

We, the undersigned, after long enduring the Petitionee's unnatural preoccupation with the movements of said Petitionee's bowels, as well as the forced participation in the Guess Who Farted tounaments, the interruption of the lives of all of the undersigned when said Petitionee's toilet board was stolen, the required classes in colon cleansing, the lingering and malicious odor left in the Temple restrooms after said Petitionee has used them, followed by the insistance on the part of the Petitionee that any unfortunate passerby, quote, "Come here, at this look. Look healthy to you that does?", the "presents" left as retribution in the shoes, locker, hat, etc, of anyone who has committed a minor grievance against said Petitionee, the unwillingness of said Petitionee to clean up after one Chewbacca the Wookie after the Petitionee has taken said Wookie for a walk, the excessive number of posts in the Petitionee's blog regarding the above matters, do hereby insist on the following:

1) That the Petitionee immediately cease and desist the purchase of one "PooperScooter", in recognition of the Undersigned's right to walk through the Jedi Temple without having to look at said Petitionee while said Petitionee's robe is hiked up around the Petitionee's waist and said Petitionee's pants are down around the Petitionee's ankles, or while said Petitionee does said Petitionee's business.

2) That, as said Petitionee's blog is now required reading for all Temple staff, the Petitionee either rescind the requirement to read said blog, or immediately cease and desist the writing of posts revolving around the expulsion of gas, the movement of bowels, the droppings of Wookies, the cutting of cheese, the leaving of presents, the making of "windies", the tooting of "toots", the pooting of "poots", the eating of beans (and the residual effects), the launching of "air biscuits", or any other verbiage we haven't thought of that can be used to refer to you-know-what.

Signed it was by all 500 Jedi, every single Padawan, the Temple janitorial staff, several tourists visiting the temple, and the guys who wash the Temple windows.

Also, I hear that considering a motion to amend the Republic's Constitution, the Galactic Senate is. Called the PooperScooter/Green Jedi Master Amendment, it will be.

Hmph! No respect I get.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Go Fish

Read what Windu wrote I have. [Sigh] Tired of this I am. At a "pot farm" I was not! At Pottery Barn I was! Look like a stoner to you, I do, Windu?! Doofus!


Tonight, bored we were, so Go Fish some of us played. A mistake that was. Play card games with a Jedi you should not.

YODA: Your turn it is, Kenobi.

KENOBI: Ok, what am I supposed to do, again?

YOUNG SKYWALKER: Yo, it's Go Fish, G, not brain surgery.

KENOBI: It's all them hard rules you got to remember! I don't know how you'ns do it!

WINDU: Look, for the 800th time, man. You want to get four of a kind, when you get four of a kind, you lay it down. Look at your cards and ask one of us if we have something you've got. If we do, you get to go again. If we don't, you have to pick a card, and then it's the next guy's turn. Got it? So go ahead, ask one of us if we've got something you have.

KENOBI: Ok, Mace, you got something I got?

WINDU: No! That's not how it works!

YOUNG SKYWALKER: It's useless, yo.

WINDU: Alright, listen Obi-wan, I'm going to go over this one more time...

On like that for another hour it went. Finally, my turn it was.

YODA: Young Skywalker, have any threes, do you?

YOUNG SKYWALKER: Go fish, Playa.

YODA: See through you I can! Two threes you have!

WINDU: (Throws hands up) This is why we can't ever play these games! You can't use the Force to see what other people have!

YODA: Use the Force I would not, if cheating Young Skywalker would stop!

YOUNG SKYWALKER: (Stands up, knocks over card table) You callin' me a cheater, yo? I'm about to bust a cap up in here!

Pretty, what happened next was not. Just say let us, that why become Master yet he has not, I showed Young Skywalker. Getting out of the Temple Infirmary tomorrow he will. Just in time to clean up the mess in the game room it will be.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Guest Poster: Mace Windu [Topic: Be Inspired, Fool!]

Most of you people know me as one bad, mammer-jammer Jedi. But because you're not educated, you may not know that I am also a successful inspirational speaker and author. (I also had a brief career with the Ice Capades, but that's another post.)

Maybe you've read my books:
I'm Pretty, You're Pretty
Shine That Bald Head!
How to Win Friends and Intimidate People With Your Purple Lightsaber
Mace Windu: The Life and Times of One Good-Looking Jedi (an autobiography)

That last one is an autobiography, just like it says. But don't worry, it has nothing to do with cars. You'll laugh, you'll cry, mostly cry. I mean cry a lot. I mean it, man. Have like a case of Kleenex nearby when you read it. But that's alright, because crying isn't just for little girls and guys who are interior decorators, no matter what Obi-wan says.

Anyway, each book is about 1200 pages of life-enriching reading! I'm telling you, man, they will change your life! I mean, forget that Dr. Phil! What did he ever do for you? He never says anything about head-shining, skin moisturizing, feeling pretty, or anything like that. How's he supposed to help anyone that way?

Here's an excerpt from I'm Pretty, You're Pretty from the chapter "Be a Pretty Man":
"Do you have the strength to wake up every morning and say to yourself, 'I'm a pretty man?'. If not, is it because you're afraid to acknowledge your own prettiness? Cast off your inhibitions and embrace your prettiness!
...Often, I'll wake up on a sunny day to the sound of birds singing and the smell of wild flowers blooming. On those days, I'll open the window and yell, 'What a pretty day! But not as pretty as me!'
What does it take for you to do that? First, you've got to find your inner prettiness and acknowledge..."

Tell me that's not deep! The best part is, it goes on like that for 1200 pages! And it includes 6 chapters on proper skin moisturization!

In Shine That Bald Head!, I lay out the 5 obstacles to what I call "True Shininess". Have you achieved the level of shininess you deserve? What's holding you back?
In this book, I help you through the...
...Five Stages of Grief Over the Loss of Your Hair:
1) Denial - I'm not losing my hair, it's just spreading out a little.
2) Anger - Stupid hair!
3) Bargaining - Please, if I can just keep my hair through my 30's, I won't do a comb-over.
4) Depression - Oh God! I look like Curly from the Three Stooges!
5) Acceptance - I'm bald, shiny, and beautiful!

Now doesn't that sound like something you'd like to read? No, strike that. Doesn't that sound like something you need to read?

Man, I'd like to tell you more about my books. In fact, you people need to hear more. I can tell. But Yoda, or as I like to call him, "The Man", insists I write shorter posts. "Write a post, not War and Peace you must. On and on you ramble, on and on and on. Too long your posts are."

Well excuse me for not writing about toilet boards, or potty scooters, or "leaving presents"! I guess if your post isn't poop-related, it's not welcome here!

I'm trying to write about something important! I'm trying to help people, make a difference in people's lives! But I guess that's not good enough for The Man!

Anyway, Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow after he's back from the pot farm. What the - ? What in God's name has he been doing? Man, I need a vacation.

Maintaining the Busy Jedi Lifestyle

Short stubby legs I have. Trouble getting around this causes. Especially difficult to get around a big place like the Jedi temple it is. A week to get from my quarters to the Council chamber it would take me, if forced to walk I was.

So been using this hover chair I have:

Very useful it is. Still, not quite useful enough it is. You see, a very busy Jedi I am. Afford many interruptions I cannot. On my ability to manage my time, the fate of the Republic rests. So, why that is that considering using this product I am:

The PooperScooter it is called. Have to make so many "pit stops" I would not. Hmm, yes, very useful it would be. One in my size they make, I hope. Want to ride around on my plank all day, I would not.