Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Chancellor's State of the Republic Address

Nothing good on TV tonight there was. His State of the Republic speech, the Chancellor gave. So boring it was. So through the channels I flipped. On almost all of the channels he was. On the rest, only garbage was.



" ... which is why I have directed that legislation be submitted to the Senate which would ban all David Hasselhoff music from the Republic."

Thunderous applause





Flip




"Not only does it slice, dice, puree, and get out those tough coffee stains, but it's great for treating hair loss too!"










Flip



"...and thanks to the No Wookiee Left Behind initiative, nearly every Wookiee youngling will have a chance to go to Obedience School."


Thunderous applause



Flip



"Listen, you need to get real with yourself and identify these harmful behaviors. That's why I'm going to make sure you get a copy of my new book Get Off the Couch You Fat Cow."








Flip


"The Republic has become far too dependant on foreign sources for our cookies. Many of these sources are unstable worlds from the Mid East part of the galaxy. Tonight, I announce the Domestic Cookie Initiative, which will end our dependance on foreign cookies within the next ten years."

Thunderous applause.





Flip


"How many thousands of credits would you expect to pay for this amazing product? But if you act now it's yours for only $19.99! We'll even throw in the nose hair trimming attachment, shoe buffing attachment, and this amazing set of steak knives for absolutely free! That's a $123,000.00 value for only $19.99! But that's not all! If you call within the next 30 seconds..."







Flip




"The Republic has made it clear to the Tatooine government that Tatooine must stop developing weapons of mass confusion..."


Thunderous applause





Flip


"What's that, Lassie? Timmy's at the bottom of a ravine and his leg is broken?"

"Arf!"

"You say it's a compound fracture of his right tibula?'

"Arf!"

"Oh, you said fibula. I'm sorry."



Flip



"Thank you and good night."



Thunderous applause.






So, how a State of the Republic speech ends, this is - with thunderous applause.


.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Peace and Quiet, All I Want Is

I think allergic to Kenobi I must be. Whenever around he comes, a headache I get. Hide from him now I must when some peace and quiet I want. Unfortunately, very good at finding me he is. And take a hint, he can not.

"Master, whatcha doin inside that there kitchen cabinet?"

"Uh... er... inspecting the pots and pans, I am. Close the door now you must, please."

"That looks like fun. Can I do it too?"

"No! I mean, too big you are. Fit in here you would not."

"I betcha I could too fit."

The next thing I knew, being squished between the Teflon non-stick pans and that stack of Tupperware without the lids, I was.

"This ain't as much fun as you said," Kenobi said.

"Said it was fun I did not! Invite you I..."

"Hey!" Harvey the Youngling's voice I hear, "I wanna play!"

"No, Harvey!" I yelled. But too late it was. Before I knew it, up in my face, my foot was. Move, I could not.

"This isn't fun!" Harvey said, "You guys play some weird games, Master Yoda."

"Mmph mmph ummph ummph!" I said.

I think a vacation I need.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Guest Poster - Anakin Skywalker [Topic: Geezer's Nursemaid]



This is whack, yo! Them Geezers did it to me again! Check it:

So Mace Daddy gets his lower back all jacked up and spit 'cause he be actin the fool in front of his Sweatin to the Oldies video, right? Or maybe it was his Buns of Steel video. Yo, whatever. Dude's old. Dude be dancin' in front of the TV. Dude's spine is jacked 'cause geezer can't dance no way.

Anyway, M-Dawg decide he cain't do nothin for hisself on account of the doctor told him he gotta take it easy and spit. Like he do sumthin around here 'sides get in my grill all the time anyway. He say he need somebody to do stuff for him since he cain't do it his own self. Like one of us is gonna be all waitin' on him and spit.

Well, I shoulda known them geezers would make me do it, yo. Yoda is all like, "Put up with his crap I will not. Going to do this you are."

At first, I was all like, "I'm the Chosen One, yo! I ain't got time to be all nursemaidin' no geezer!" But then I thought maybe this give me the chance to be all brown-nosin' to Master Windu and maybe they make me a Master like they supposed to.

So at first it was goin a'ight. He be sittin' up in bed while I get him his Ho Ho's and the latest issue of that Tiger Beat magazine that he like. But then he be all demandin and stuff. He like, "Anakin scratch my nose."

And I wanted to tell him, "Yo, scratch you own nose, G! You arms ain't broke!" But I decide to do it anyhow, what with me tryin' to brown-nose and spit. But then, he decide he all completely helpless and stuff and he ain't gonna do nothin'. Like he cain't wax his own head 'cause he cain't move his arms up that far. So who you think be waxin, moisturizin, and exfoliatin him the whole time now? That geezer's skin care regimenizzle takes all day, yo! That like a full-time job it own self! But I be doin it for him, yo. And I ain't complainin neither.

You think that enough for the geezer? Shuh. 'Fore I know it, he got me takin his pink fluffy shirt with the ruffles out to be dry-cleaned, doin' the Epilady on his back, organizin' his My Little Pony collection, and all kinda stuff like 'at. And I was like, "A'ight, I can do this. I'm the Chosen One, yo. Ain't nothin' I cain't handle."

But then, like all of a sudden he whip his socks off and he like, "Anakin, massage my corns. They're killing me!"

Yo, I took one look at them moldy feet and said, "Nuh-uh! I ain't goin' no where near that stuff, yo! You feet got all fungus and spit all over 'em. They green in places! They nasty!"

Then he threatened to write me up and spit 'cause I ain't do what a Master tell me to do. Whatever, yo. The Chosen One ain't touchin' no foot fungus. I got my rep to think about. I got outta his room and I ain't been back. Let him get his own Ho Ho's, yo.

Yo, Yoda be back here tomorrow to talk to you and spit. Like that means sumthin.

.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Elevator Politics

Riding the elevator in the Senate building I was today. There, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Amidala, and her handmaidens were too. Suddenly, the cheese someone cut. Pretty bad it smelled.

To pretend like it didn't happen, the Chancellor and Senator tried. But let this offense go, I could not. Take responsibility, someone had to.

"Chancellor," I said, "like to venture a guess would you..."

"Oh no," he responded, "I shall not be drawn into another game of 'Guess Who Farted' by you, Master Yoda. As I recall, the last time that happened, I was quite unjustly branded the 'Feller' even though I was clearly not the 'Smeller'."

"My fault that was not. Make the rules I do not."

"My understanding is that you did in fact make the rules for 'Guess Who Farted', as you created the game in the first place."

"OK, so make the rules I did. Still, Chancellor, chosen as the 'Feller' fair and sqare, you were. However, this time, make the 'windy' you did not. No, from someone else the toot came."

"I confess," Senator Amidala said, "Like, it was me, alright? I did it. I'm sorry. God. Whatever."

"Wait," one of the handmaidens said as forward she stepped, "Like, I am the real Padmé Amidala. This is my handmaiden. They're like, trained to take the blame for me when this happens. I am the gas passer."

"Like, are you sure?" Said the first one, "I was like so sure it was me."

"I could've sworn it was me," yet another handmaiden said.

I think maybe too close those girls are.

Friday, January 27, 2006

From Big Brother Naboo: Redecorating

This week on Big Brother Naboo, redecorating our bedrooms our challenge was. So bad that would not be. But Jabafatboy and General Grievous, my roommates are. No sense of style those doofuses have! Very close to having deer antlers and that Wookiees Playing Poker painting hanging on the walls, we had.

Still, some fun I did have:







"Hey, Grievous, you seen that little Yoda feller?"

Hee hee hee!










See my post here, you can.

Vote on who should be evicted here, you can.

See the other contestants' posts, here you can.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Chewbacca On TV

Today, an email from Chewbacca I received. On TV he was going to be, it said. Actually, more like, "Mworrrrrrr!! Wuarrrr! Mwar?" it was. Fortunately, fluent in Wookiee I am.

Anyway, very excited he was, so to tune in I agreed. Unfortunately, this Doofus I saw:




"Hi. I'm Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter, and today I'm in a really dangerous place called Kashyyyk! I'm here because I'm going to pull some actual hair from an actual Wookiee! Why? Because it's really stupid and I've got oatmeal for brains!



"These beautiful creatures can grow to be over 7 feet tall! But don't let their good looks fool ya! One of these beauties could easily tear a man's arm right off! If you see a Wookiee, don't go near it - unless you're an overrated zookeeper desperate for attention, like me!



"Crikey! There's a Wookiee right over there! What a beauty! It looks like he's performing the Wookiee resting ritual called 'chillin'. This is the perfect time for me to go up and grab a big old handful of his hair!

"Blimey! What a smell! This big fella really stinks a lot! I've never smelled anything so bad!












"Well, no time like the present! I'll just reach over and grab me a handful of this beastie's hair!

"It just so happens it's Bring Your Baby to Your Insanely Dangerous Job Day! I think the little fella is almost as excited as I am! Well, here goes!












"AAAAAHHH!!! Crikey! Me arm! That's not gonna grow back! AAAAHHH!!! Me face! AAAAHH!!! Blimey he bites hard! OWW!! Crikey, it hurts!! It's a good thing the baby got away! I never knew he could crawl so fast! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!..."

Entertaining this turned out to be. Of course, excited to be on TV, Chewie was. After the show, me he called. Wondering if maybe he could turn himself into a celebrity because of this, he was. "Mwarrrr oowarrr Omarosa, ruaarrrrr!" he said.

Know I do not, Chewie. Much meaner than that, Omarosa was. Next time, more brutal you will have to be.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Kenobi and Vegetables

Eat his vegetables, Kenobi will not. Good they are for him, I tell him. But listen, he does not.

"Kenobi, many starving chldren in the galaxy there are. Love to have your creamed corn, they would."

"Great! Let's box this up and give it to 'em."

"Kenobi, get big and strong in the Force like me how will you if eat your spinach, you do not?"

But on Kenobi, none of this works. Sometimes, required to force-feed him I am.

"Choo choo! Open wide Kenobi! The train here comes! Choo choo!" The train he likes, get as much success from the airplane, I do not.

Sometimes, force him to eat the vegetable I can if take his Cheetos away I threaten. But even then, find his veggies wrapped up in a napkin, I will.

"Wait, Kenobi! Get up from the table do not! Eat your brussel sprouts, did you?"

"Yep."

"See let me. Your mouth open, please. Your tongue move. Kenobi! Swallow the brussel sprouts you did not!"

Expect a little more maturity from a grown man I would. Wait. Kenobi I am talking about. Nevermind.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II

Ready to finish this, once and for all, Dooku and I were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us was. Below, a transcript of our fight is.



Al: Hello, and welcome to this edition of Jedi Sumo. I'm your host, Al Michaels and joining me in the booth is John Madden. John, the crowd is literally buzzing tonight with anticipation of seeing these two titans of the Force face each other.

John: Yeah, I tell ya, Al, I haven't see a crowd this buzzed since my sister's kid's wedding reception. Boy, they were sauced, let me tell ya.

Al: Uh, yeah. Well, surely you'd agree this crowd is excited at the prospect of seeing these two combatants take to the ring tonight.

John: Sure, and who wouldn't be excited to see these two guys, Doodoo and Yoga, goin' at it? I mean this is gonna be one heckuva fight, let me tell ya. I tell ya, I was so excited tonight, I almost forgot to eat my second helping of dessert! I can't wait to see these guys really hammer each other.

Al: Well, it looks like you will get your chance, John. Yoda and Dooku have taken their positions in the ring. They each have their thumbs in their ears and are waving their hands as they stick their tongues out in each other's direction. That is the traditional Jedi Sumo Salute which begins every match.

John: Boy, that was some raspberry that little Toga fella launched at Doodoo. It looks like Doodoo's wiping the spit out of his eye. I gotta tell ya, Al, I don't think Toga has got much of a chance here. That Doodoo fella has gotta outweigh him by at least 150 pounds. I just don't see him beatin' that.

Al: I'm going to have to disagree with you on that point, John. As Yoda said in one of his locker room interviews, "Size matters not". We'll see if that holds true tonight. Oh, it looks like they may be getting ready to make their moves.




Yoda: Ready to die tonight, are you, Dooku?

Count Dooku: I say, old boy, I don't see how you can possibly manage without your mother here to fight this battle for you.

John: Ooh, that had to hurt.

Al: Yes, John. As you know, this is an important part of the traditional Jedi Sumo match, known as "Taw-keen Smakk". It looks like the first point goes to Dooku in this instance. Yoda's going to have to come up with a good line to recover from that one.

Count Dooku: I trust we can be gentlemen about this and agree to avoid any direct blows to the face. I do have appearances to keep up, you know.

Yoda: Worry about me messing up your face you should not. Like someone beat me to it, it looks.

Count Dooku: I say, there's no need to be unkind.

John and Al: OH!!!!!

John: Yoga got him good with that one, Al.

Al: Yes, and I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that Dooku left himself wide open with that "Don't hit me in the face" request. He literally handed Yoda the opening he needed. And then he followed it up with that feeble reply about being unkind.

John: Yeah, I gotta tell ya, that was a pretty lame comeback if I ever heard one. That Count Cuckoo fella really needs to work on his technique. But I think where he's really gonna come out strong is the next part when they try to bump each other outta the ring. We're really gonna see some action then.

Al: Well, they're lining up and facing each other. It looks like we're going to see that action you were talking about. Wait! What's this? Dooku is attempting to throw Force lightning at Yoda... Yoda catches the Force lightning and throws it back at Dooku's feet, forcing him to jump up and down.

Yoda: Dance, Sith boy, dance! Hee hee hee! Kick your feet higher you must! Yes, it that is! Hee hee hee!

John: That little Yoga fella sure has a funny laugh. Say, Al, is that lightnin' stuff legal?

Al: John, as you know, there are almost no rules in Jedi Sumo. That's what makes it one of the deadliest forms of combat out there. Perhaps the only rule that has lasted down through the centuries in this time-honored martial art is that only one person comes out alive. You know, an interesting bit of trivia about the history Jedi Sumo is that originally, before the inflatable suits were invented, the combatants would fight in suits filled with live Ewoks.

John: That musta been before they invented air.

Al: Uh, yeah. Anyway, the combatants are taking their positions again. It looks like they are finally going to start bumping against each other with their Sumo suits. Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Yoda is waddling towards Dooku... Yoda walks right under Dooku's legs. It seems there was some miscalculation on either Dooku's or Yoda's part there... It looks like they're about to try it again... Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Wait! Yoda is off the ground... he's using the Force to propel himself into the air... It looks like Yoda is going to bump Dooku in mid-air... And they collide!

John: OH!!! They're both down! Did you see the distance they flew after that bump, Al? Both of those guys, Yogurt and Cuckoo, really got knocked down pretty bad.

Al: And it looks like those Sumo suits are making it hard for them to get back on their feet. Both of them are having a hard time getting back up, John. Yoda especially keeps rocking back and forth, trying to get himself back up. Rocking, rocking, rocking...

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzz

Al: What's this? Yoda has rocked himself to sleep, John! This is incredible!

John: Yeah, and it looks like that Doodoo fella is gettin' up, now!

Al: Will Dooku take advantage of this situation to gain the upper hand? No! It looks like Dooku is running away! Dooku is running away, apparently too afraid to finish the fight.

John: Man, he always does that!

Al: Well, it appears this fight will remain unfinished tonight. Frank Gifford is down at the ring now. Let's get Yoda's reaction to all of this.

Frank: Yoda, what's your reaction to Dooku running off without finishing the fight?

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzzzz


So humiliating this was. Next time, just smite him down with my lightsaber, I will. Easier that will be and fall asleep I will not.

.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Deathmatch With Dooku

Settle this once and for all, we will. No turning back now, there is. Going to throw down, Dooku and I are. Walk away from this alive, only one of us will.

But dueling with lightsabers we are not. No, a form of Jedi combat even more brutal and dangerous, we chose. Ancient this form of combat is. Developed by the Jedi centuries ago, it was. Very respected, it is. Mastered it, only a few Jedi have.

Want to see this deadly form of combat, do you? I don't know, perhaps see it you should not.

OK, if see it you must, then scroll down you should.












Wait! Out of the room are the younglings? Ok, then keep scrolling you can.













Warning: If heart trouble you have, scroll down you must not. Also, if a weak stomach you have, scroll down you must not.














The last warning, this is.
















Ok, here the deadliest, most brutal form of Jedi combat is:






















For the weak of heart, this is not. Time for Dooku's destruction, it is.



.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

A Purse It Is

I think maybe beyond help, Windu is. Trying to make him more macho we are, but working it is not. Some progress we thought we were making, but with a man-purse, Windu walked in today. Already "discussing" it when I came into the room, Windu and Kenobi were.

"What're ya carryin' there, Mace, a purse?"

"It is not a purse! It is an urban man bag! Can't you tell a purse when you see it?"

"Looks like a purse to me." Kenobi said.

"It is not a purse! It is an urban man-bag!" Windu objected.

"Right Kenobi is, a purse it looks like to me too."

"Well, I'm telling you it is not a purse!"

Kenobi snickered. "Can ya put stuff in it?"

"Yes, of course."

"Do ya put it over your shoulder?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, what part of 'purse' cain't you understand?"

"Very good, Kenobi. Almost sense that made. But right he is, Windu. A purse that is."

"Yeah," Kenobi chuckled, "I think I'll start callin' you Mary from now on."

"IT'S NOT A PURSE! You people really need to open your minds! Lots of men have started wearing urban man bags! It's convenient, it's trendy, and, most of all, it is manly! That's right, I said, 'manly'! Only a real man can walk around carrying one of these bags! It is manly to want a place to carry your important things, like head shine cream, vanity mirrors, and your favorite Beenie Baby! It is manly. It is manlier than manly!"

"Going where are you?"

"I have to get some shoes to match this bag! It clashes with everything I have!"

As see you can, hopeless, Windu is.



.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Steal My Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby You Must Not

Ow... Ow... Ow... An ice cream headache I have. Eating my Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby too fast, I was. Ow... Ow.. Excruciating the pain is. To take a lightsaber and chop my own head off I want. That bad the pain is. Ow... Ow... Ouch.

Oh, gone now it is. Oh, sweet relief I am feeling.

Eat my ice cream fast I must. Or else, try to steal it, Kenobi will. That know it is him I did not, he used to think. But all along, I knew. Just caught him in the act, I had not. But determined to catch him I was. So today, when to the freezer to steal my ice cream he went, what he saw this was:











"C-c-c-c-caught you I ha-ha-have!" I said.

"What the -?! How long you been in there, Master?"

"Th-th-th-three hours b-b-b-b-been in h-h-h-here I h-h-h-have. B-b-b-busted you are!"

"What's that noise?"

"M-m-m-my knees kn-kn-kn-knocking together, it is. Out of h-h-h-here get me. F-f-f-feel my f-f-f-feet or h-h-h-hands I can not!"

A while for the feeling to return to my extremities it took. A bad cold I have now, too. But worth it, it was. Kenobi I sure showed.

.

Friday, January 20, 2006

From Big Brother Naboo

Checked out Big Brother: Naboo lately, have you? Why not? Hmm? Tired of your excuses, I am. But, if a reason to go there you need, below a little sample of it is.

The Setting - Locked in a house with eleven other contestants for the reality show, Big Brother, I am. Teamed in pairs of two, for our first challenge we were. For our challenge, supposed to cook foods native to their home planet one person was, and supposed to eat it quickly the other person was. Teamed with Jabafatboy, I was. The cooking I would do, and the eating Jabafatboy would do. A disgusting pig he is, as see below you can:







"Here, smell this. Smell fresh to you does it? Maybe a little taste you should have."













"Whoa! A piece just flew up my nose! I'll have ta get it with my tongue."








Check out the blog you must! An opportunity to vote on who gets kicked out of the house, you have!

Click here to read my team mate's (Jabafatboy's) post you can. Then...

Click here to read my post you can. Or...

Click here to read all the contestants' posts you can. And...

Click here to vote you can!

If a Force-wedgie you desire not, check out the blog you will.


.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

In, the Jedi Master Is

Some weird ideas, the Chancellor has. To host a new radio call-in show, he wanted me. Called "Ask the Jedi Master" it is. Interested in such foolishness I am not. Advice from a talk show host, only losers seek. Wasted on losers, my wisdom is. Of course, stop me from advising Windu, that does not.

But strongly, Chancellor Palpatine insisted. "It would make for wonderful public relations for the Jedi and indeed the entire government, if you would share your immense wisdom with the people, Master Yoda. And that, my friend, would go a long way towards convincing me to restore the Jedi Order's cookie budget."

"Ok, twisting my arm you are."

"Yes, I can be very persuasive."

"No, literally I mean. Twisting my arm, you are. Let go now, please."

"Oh, yes, of course. I apologize. I don't know what came over me."

Creepy, that guy is.

Anyway, convinced I was. So tonight my first night was. Like this it went:

Me: "Welcome back. In the Jedi Master is, so our first call let us take. Have to say that everytime do I? Stupid that sounds."

Producer: [in a whisper] "Yes. Don't talk to me. Just take the call."

Me: "Ok, Charlene from Tatooine, our first caller is. Hello caller, there are you?"

Producer: "The button!"

Me: "What?"

Producer: "Push the button."

Me: "Which button? Too many there are."

Producer: "The one that's flashing!"

Me: "Oh, ok. Got it now, I think. Susan, there are you?"

Charlene: "Hello? Am I on? Hello?"

Me: "Susan, your radio turn down. Hear my own echo, I can."

Charlene: "There. Sorry."

Me: "Help you, how can I, Susan?"

Charlene: "Well, I need to know if my boyfriend is ready to commit."

Me: "Commit a crime, you mean?"

Charlene: "No, I mean commit to me. It's just that he keeps giving me mixed signals, you know? One minute, he's all sweet to me, like letting me drive the car I loaned him and stuff, then the next minute he's setting my trailer on fire. One minute, he's letting me watch what I want to watch on TV during the commercial breaks of the football game, and then the next minute he's making out with my sister. I wish he'd let me know how he really feels. I don't know what to think!"

Me: "Hmm, yes. Right you are. You're main problem, not thinking is. Tell me, first cousins were your parents?"

Charlene: "You know my parents?"

Me: "Charlene, need a man to complete you, you do not."

Charlene: "Really?"

Me: "Yes. A feeling I have that mess up your own life fine without his help, you could. Next caller. On the line, Kenny from Alderaan is. Go ahead caller. Hello, there are you? Caller?"

Producer: "Push the button!"

Me: "Oh yes. Confusing this is. Old I am. Patient you must be. Caller, there are you?"

Kenny: "I'm here."

Me: "With what can I help you, Kenny?"

Kenny: "Well, I really like this girl in my class, but I don't know how to tell her. I mean I have told her, but I don't know how to do it in a way that will make her feel the same way about me. I mean she's really, really, cool and she makes me feel real happy. I just want her to like me that way, you know?"

Me: Zzzzzzz

Producer: "Wake up! You're on the air for crying out loud!"

Me: "What? Hmm? Awake I am, listening I was."

Kenny: "Master Yoda, I've tried everything to show this girl how much I like her. I've given her roses, read poetry to her, I've even seranaded her outside her bedroom window one night. Unfortunately, she didn't happen to be home that night..."

Me: "Kenny, only go by what my people do to show they like each other, I can. Hopped on one foot in a circle around this girl while whistling, have you?"

Kenny: "No."

Me: "Stood on your hands in front of her while clucking like a chicken, have you?"

Kenny: "Uh, no."

Me: "Then really tried to show your feelings to this girl you have not, have you? Back with me get when serious you are."

Kenny: "Wait, please! Just one more question!"

Me: "Ok."

Kenny: "Do you think it's possible that she doesn't like me back because I'm fat?"

Me: "Probably. Especially if Acne you have too. Next caller. On the line, Patricia from Endor is. Hello Patricia. Hello? Patricia?"

Producer [stomps over to Yoda and presses button in disgust]

Patricia: [in an odd, high-pitched voice] "Hello?"

Me: "Yes, on the air you are. Your problem what is?"

Patricia: "Well, I have this really stupid boss. I mean he's a real jerk."

Me: "MmHmm, more about this boss tell me. A big jerk he is?"

Patricia: "Oh yes. No one likes him. He's so full of himself. He thinks he's the wisest person in the room. But he's just a tiny little weasel. A green weasel. He's just a short little green weasel."

Me: "Young Skywalker! You that is?"

Patricia: "Yo, busted! I mean, uh, [in high-pitched voice] No! My name is Patricia! I don't know any Skywalkers!"

Me: "See through you I can! Young Skywalker you are! A Force-wedgie for this, you will receive!"

Patricia Young Skywalker: "YEEEEOWWWW-OWIE-OW-OW!"

[Receiver clicks. Phone hangs up on other end.]

See do you? An utter waste of time this was.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

More Monkey Business and Who the Winner of the "Name That Hutt" Contest Is

A surprise I got when at the breakfast table I sat this morning. As usual, there with his face in his bowl of Cap'n Typho cereal, Kenobi was. But different he seemed.

"Kenobi, different you look ... Put my finger on it I can not ...Combed your hair is ...Shiny it looks ...Wait! What it is I know! Clean you look! Spray you with the pressure washer recently and then forget that I did, did I?"

Up from his cereal bowl he looked. From his nose some milk was dripping. That he would use a spoon I really wish. "No. It's that monkey I got yesterday. He spent the whole dang night groomin' me. I knowed them monkeys groom each other, but I didn't know they use combs, hair dryers, and conditioner. That was kinda surprisin'."

"Oh yes, the monkey. Returning it today you are, right?"

"I guess." The cereal bowl he brought up to his mouth and with a loud slurp, he gulped down his milk. But a half-hearted slurp, it was. Tell that still upset he was, I could.

Later, by Kenobi's room I passed. Neat and clean it looked! Shocked I was!

"Kenobi!" I said, "To your room what happened?"

"It's the monkey! He keeps throwin my stuff around!"

"Mean what, do you? In the book case and not the floor, all of your comic books are. In your dresser, all of your socks are. Hanging from the ceiling fan, your underwear is not."

"See! I cain't find nothin now, 'cause I don't know where anything is!"

Just then, into the room, Windu came running. "Obi-wan!" he yelled, "Your stupid monkey keeps throwing his little monkey squeezins all over me! Do you know how hard it is to maintain your prettiness when you've got chimpanzee poop all over you?"

"OK, it that does!" I declared.

"I know. I know," Kenobi said, "I gotta take the monkey back."

"No!" I said, "Going to keep the monkey you are!" Say what, can I? Be all bad, something that does that to Windu, can not!
______________________________________________

A Winner We Have!

A winner in the Name That Hutt contest we have! Deshanna the winner is. "Skeeter the Hutt" her entry was.

A blog called "The Calm Eye of the Insanity Tornado" she has. Check it out you might. An "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me, she will get. Also, a Gmail invitation she will receive. Congratulations, Deshanna! And like to thank everyone who participated, Jabafatboy and I would.

So now, my pleasure to introduce to you it is...

Skeeter the Hutt!

.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

A Request From Kenobi

Something to disuss with me today, Kenobi had.

"Uh, master? I got a problem."

"What it is, Kenobi? Get the Crayons stuck up your nose again, did you?"

"No, no. It ain't nothin like that. I ain't got no Crayons stuck up my... Well, to be honest, I do, but that ain't what I came to talk to you about."

"Told you before I have, actual monkeys, your 'Sea Monkeys' are not. Put bananas in the tank you must not."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, uh, no, that ain't it either."

"Well, then, what it is, Kenobi?"

"Can I have a pet Chimpanzee? Please? I'll take real good care of it, I promise!"

"Kenobi, take proper care of your Sea Monkeys you can not. No way there is that take care of a real monkey you could."

"Aw come on! Please!"

"No! End up feeding it and cleaning up after it I would. Absolutely not."

"But... "

"What it is, Kenobi?"

"I kinda already got myself one."

"You what?!"

"It just followed me home, I swear! Can I keep it, please?"

"From where, did it follow you?"

"From the pet store."

"Hm hmm, what I thought that was. Going to return that monkey tomorrow you are."

"Oh, you never let me do nothin!"

Already a monkey he is. Going to take care of two of them I will not!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Yard Sale at the Jedi Temple

This weekend, a yard sale at the Temple we held. All kinds of doofuses, a yard sale will bring out.

"Do you have any baby clothes besides the Jedi robes?"

"Baby clothes those are not! My robes those are!"

Some of his old Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts, Kenobi was trying to sell. But the same question, customers kept asking. "What is this stain/smell? I've never seen/smelled that color/odor before."

And always to haggle, customers want. "I'll give you two credits for that whole box of used robotic limbs."

A hard time selling his things, Windu was having. Never seen so many Village People 8-trak cassettes I have. And two whole tables for his My Little Pony collectibles, he needed.

Upset, Young Skywalker got when by the yard sale he stopped. An old teddy bear he picked up. "Yo, this is whack, G! What you doin' puttin' Mr. Snuggles out here, yo? This here my bear! Ain't nobody buyin' him!"

"Young Skywalker, too old for Mr. Snuggles you are. Time to move on it is."

"What?! My G.I. Jango action figures?! You tryin to sell my G.I. Jango action figures?! This ain't gonna play, yo!"

"Play with them anymore you do not! Collecting dust in the attic they are!"

"I just ain't seen 'em in a while! Besides, they all collectibizzles and spit."

"But missing arms and legs many of them are!"

"Oh, it's like that now, huh? You just throw someone out 'cause they ain't got they arms or legs? I ain't got my arm, yo! Why ain't you put one of them pieces of tape with the prices on my head and try to sell me?"

"Crossed my mind, the thought has."

"Fine! You go ahead and be like 'at! You know what you problem is? You all insensitizzle, G. I oughts to lay the smack-down on you and spit! Don't think I cain't do it, either! Cause I'm the Chosen One, yo! Ain't no one badder than me! I'm one bad, manly mammer jammer, yo! ...Come on, Mr. Snuggles. We outta here." Two boxes of his old things he carted up to his room. Talking to Mr. Snuggles the whole time he was, "Don't worry, Mr. Snuggles. I won't let nobody do nothin like 'at to you again!"

Six hours later, sold most of our things we had. Two days, getting ready for this we had spent. 52 items we had laid out. At least an hour breaking down the tables and cleaning up we spent. Finally, ready to count all the money we had made, we were. So the box I opened and the money I counted. 12 and a half credits we made. Almost .10 an hour that turns out to be. I think go have a good cry now, I will.

____________________________________________


By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

Why Eat An El Beefo Grande Burrito Before Bed You Should Not

Movie night it was last night. Kenobi's turn to pick the movie it was. King Kong he chose. A surprise this was not. Any movies with monkeys he likes.

Ok the movie was, except three hours long it was. Had been a problem this would not, but a Jumbo Slurp soda from the concession stand I had bought. A long time to hold my bladder that was! When over the movie was, knock over some people I had to so that get to the men's room I could. Then a long line in the restroom, there was. I knew that if to wait I was forced, be able to make it I would not. So the Jedi Mind Trick I used on the men ahead of me. "Need to be here you do not. No shame in wetting your pants there is."

Anyway, after the movie, hungry we were. So to Taco Hut we went. The El Beefo Grande Burrito I had. A mistake that was. Have that kind of food so close to bed time I should not.

A disturbing dream I had. Describe it to you I can not. Only show it to you I can.





[Scroll down you must]










Almost afraid to close my eyes I am now.

___________________________________


By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.


Saturday, January 14, 2006

A Powerful Enemy

A devastating defeat our clone troops experienced the other day. Unusual for them, this is. Almost always they win. Trained and bred for fighting they are. Very good at their job they are.

The commander of the batallion and some of the others we summoned to the Council Chamber. For this loss they had to answer. A full explanation we expected from them.

"The enemy was just out-classed us, sir! That army was unstoppable! No one can defeat it! They're tough, vicious, and merciless. Those of us who survived are lucky to have gotten out of there alive," the commander said.

"This mighty army that beat you so badly, who is?"

"Uh, well, our intel agents were able to get a picture of them."








[scroll down you must]























"Ewoks?!! Brought down by dancing teddy bears you were?!"

"You don't understand, sir! They had like sticks, and rocks and stuff!"

"Yeah," a second Clone Trooper piped in, "and they don't fight fair, either! Some of them even bite!"

"But body armor and blasters you have."

"It's useless against them, I'm telling you, useless!" Uncontrollably, one of the Troopers began to sob. To comfort him the others started. Hysterical, he became, "I'm not going back there! You can't send us to fight those monsters again! You can't!"

Know what to make of this I do not.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Big Brother: Naboo

On yet another reality show I am. Suprisingly easy to get on these things it is. Anyway read all about it at the Big Brother Naboo blog, you can.

Here, an excerpt from my first post is:

No wonder, like to talk about that branch of the family Jabba the Hutt does not. But there, standing in his Jabba Skynyrd T-shirt which was seven sizes too small for him he was. [Note to overweight people: If an "outie" belly-button you have, wear tight shirts do not!]

Then, worse it got. Since the last one to arrive I was, stuck rooming with Jabafatboy, I was! Learned more than I want to know about him already, I have. To gargle with baking soda a full-hour before going to sleep he has to. 'Wards off the throat boogers' he says. Be so bad that would not if sang All My Exes Live In Texas over and over again while gargling he is, he did not! And started on the snoring do not get me! Work on a Hutt, those nasal strips do not! Heard quieter leaf blowers, I have.

Read the rest here, you can.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ask Yoda

Questions you have. Answers I have.

From Your Comments

Wedge Antilles - Mr. Yoda, if you think Ms. Yaddle is too young at 477, what should we think of your feelings toward Dolly, who has not even over 100?

Answer - 825 years old in dog years, Ms Parton is. So OK with that I am.

RedHeadWithBedHead - What is Chewbaca's favorite food?

Answer - Wet or dry food you speak of? Wet from a can his favorite is, but only eat the Lamb and Rice Mighty Wookie he will. Unfortunately, "The Runs" it gives him. So mostly Wookiee Chow specially formulated for adult Wookiees I feed him. Also partial to Kibble he is.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida - Do you ever wear socks?

Answer - Socks I use to wear. Unfortunately, too busy to keep my toenails clipped, I am. So holes my socks kept getting. Besides, bad for my corns, most socks are. That's why orthopedic sandals I wear now.


From Your Emails

Marc H. writes
"Master Yoda,
If you are almost 900 years old, then how old is your mom?
Your Faithful Padawan
Obi "I Already Won" Kenobi
Keeper of the Peace in Washington NJ"

Padawan Mark,
Know the answer to this, no one does. Never her age she tells. If the question you ask, always "390 and holding" she says. Then smack you with her purse, she will.

If questions for me you have, leave them in the comments to this post or email you can.

By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or yesterday's post on this blog, you can.


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Deathmatch With Dooku/ Name That Hutt Contest

Forget to check out the "Name That Hutt" contest at the bottom of this post do not!

Finally, come to this point we had. There we were, me and Dooku, Dooku and me. Ready to fight to the death, we were.

A long time coming this had been. But very busy we are and scheduling conflicts we always have. Besides, even when schedule these fights we do, Dooku always forgets. One of those day-timers I got him, but never he uses it! See how evil he is, do you?

But anyway, where I was? Oh yes, there we were, ready to fight it out, we were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us would. Two giants in the Force, about to have an epic battle we were. Master against master, Sith against Jedi, Dark Side against... um, whatever the other side of the Force is called.

Force lightning, Dooku threw at me. With my bare hands I blocked it. Back at him I threw it. At the last moment he ducked.

"Now see here, Old Boy!" he said as his hair he straightened up, "I distinctly remember we agreed not to aim at the face! I do have an appearance to keep up, you know."

"Matter your appearance will not, if dead you are!" At that moment, in the air I leaped at him as my lightsaber I ignited.

By igniting his lightsaber, Dooku responed. About to clash blades we were when suddenly, knocked to the ground Dooku was. But knocked him down I had not. Around his neck something was.

"Mommy! Fight my own battles I can! Humiliating this is!"

Beating Dooku with her purse, my mother was. "Going to wave one of those glow thingies at my son, no one is!" Now kicking him, she was.

"So, Yoda, ouch you need your mother to ouch! fight your battles for you, now, hmm?" Dooku said in between blows, "I say, madame, please watch the face, won't you? Ow!"

"Have more than your face to worry about you will if stop messing with my son you do not, Sucker!" Tough, my mom is.

Then, with the Force, against the wall Dooku threw my mom!

"Mommy!" I yelled as over to her I ran. Open her eyes were not! "Mommy, to me speak, please!"

Still quiet she was. Moving she was not! To cry, I started. "No, Mommy, leave me do not! Please!"

But then, her eyes opened and up at me she looked. "Yoda? The matter what is? Crying why are you?"

Her I hugged. "Oh, Mommy! So happy I am that alive you are! OK are you?"

"Yes, Ok I am. Just a little winded I am." Then at me she looked. "Love me, you do, don't you?"

"Yes, Mommy. You I love. Always I will." Then to look at Dooku I turned, "Pay for this, he will!"

But already running to his speeder he was. Too late to get him it was.

Waving her fist at him, my mom started. "Right that is, Sucker! Run! A coward you are! Want any more of this you do not, hmm?"

A few hours later, time for my mother to leave and go back home to her retirement community, it was. To see her off, all the Jedi gathered. Sad to see her go, they were too.

"Bye, Gramma," Harvey the Youngling, one of her 'adopted grandyounglings' said, "You're not going to pinch my cheeks, are you?"

"No, but kiss them I will! Come, give you a kiss goodbye let me!"

"Ewww!" he said, "Icky! I hate kisses!"

The rest of us she hugged, and before it I knew, off she was. Like only a short time she was here, it seemed. Miss her I will. sniff

Ok, if any sweeter this post gets, have to bring out the Olsen twins, we will. And that, no one wants. Hopefully, thrown up yet you have not. So something totally weird, let's do:

*************************************
NAME THAT HUTT CONTEST
brought to you by Jabafatboy and Master Yoda's Blog



















A name this Hutt needs. Has one he does not. If a good name you can think of, leave it in the comments to this post, leave it in the comments to a parallel post on Jabafatboy's blog, or email either of us, you can (Found in the right side-bar, my email address is. Found in his Blogger profile, Jabafatboy's is.). If you want, include a personality or background, you can. Required that is not, though.

Out of those submissions, the best name we will choose. The person who first thought of that name, the winner will be. If you that person is, receive an "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me as well as a Gmail invitation, you will. One week to do this, you have. Announce the winner in one week we will.

.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Getting Out of Hand This Is

A special meeting with the Chancellor, the Jedi Council had today. In the Council Chamber discussing very important matters we were. Vital matters about the war we were discussing.

"So, Chancellor, as see you can, move at least three destroyers and five garrisons of clones to the Alderaan system to defend it, we must."

"Yes," Chancellor Palpatine agreed, "I can see why you are so respected as a tactician, Master Yo-"

"Yoo-hoo!" A voice from the door came. Around to look everyone turned.

"Mommy! Just walk in to a Council Meeting you can not! Chancellor, sorry I am. My mother this is. Just leaving she is."

"Oh, nonsense," the Chancellor said, "I would love to meet your mother."

Uh-oh.

"Oh, want to interrupt you boys and your little meeting I do not. Just to give Yoda his sweater I wanted. In his room he left it, but cold it is. I thought that need it he would."

"Mommy! Need my sweater I do not..."

"Argue with me do not! Have you catching cold I will not! Here, this put on."

"But..."

"Now!"

"Oh, ok."

"On your face what is? Wipe that off let me. Here, in this tissue spit."

"Mommy! Embarrassing me you are."

"Do it!"

Hack... ptooee.

Snickering, the other Jedi Masters started.

"So, madame," the Chancellor said, "please, tell us what Master Yoda was like when he was a youngling."

"Pictures I have! Like to see them, would you?"

"Mommy, want to see a bunch of pictures they do not."

"Nonsense!" the Chancellor said, "Of course, we'd love to see some of your mother's charming pictures of you."

Please, shoot me now, somebody must.

Very excited, my mom got. "Here we go. My favorite one this is."






"So cute he was!" she gushed, "Know what happened to him, I do not. See what a cute tushy he had, do you, Chancellor?"





"Mommy!"

"Yes," the Chancellor said, "he was cute indeed. You know, I had the... uh... experience of witnessing your son's 'tushy' just the other day."

Getting more humiliating by the minute, this was. "Uh yes, heh heh, sorry about that I am, Chancellor."

Chuckling now, the other Jedi Masters were. But stop, my mom would not!

"Oh, several other pictures I have. Here, one of him in the bathtub is. Here, running through the house naked he is."

"Mommy! Have any baby pictures of me do you where naked I was not?"

"Oh, naked in all the pictures you are. Like to wear clothes you did not! Always taking them off and running around all over the neighborhood you were!"

To laugh hysterically, this caused the other Jedi Masters. To crawl somewhere and hide I want. Getting out-of-hand this is.

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Visit From Mommy - Part II

Still visiting here at the Temple, my mom is. Unfortunately, begun spoiling some of the Jedi she has. Very frustrating this is. But she says if give her grandyounglings her 'uncaring son' will not, have to get grandyounglings of her own, she will.

For instance, a whole batch of cookies for Kenobi she had baked.

Drooling all over himself, he was. "Chunky Cheeto Chip! Muh favorite!"

"Mommy!" I protested, "Trying to get him to lose weight, we are! No good for him, those are!"

"Oh, nonsense," she said as off she waved me, "a growing boy he is."

"Thirty-seven years old he is! In the middle, the only growing he does now is!"

Giving money to Young Skywalker, I caught her.

"Here, some fun with your friends have."

"Yo, thanks Mama Y!" Young Skywalker said, "You da bomb!"

"Mommy! Give him money do not!" I said, "Always money he borrows. The money he wastes, and never he gives it back!"

"Be silly do not!" she said, "A fuddy-duddy you are! Young he is. His wild oats he needs to sow."

"Yeah, Yodes," Young Skywalker chimed in, "you a fudd... uh... fud... what she said! Why you gots to be hatin' all the time?"

"Yes," my mom agreed, "Be hating you should not! Hee hee! The way young people talk nowadays! So funny it is!"

"Well I gotta blaze, or else I'll be late for the bus and spit."

"What?" my mom said, "Catch the bus you must not! Do, that will not! A perfectly good airspeeder Yoda has. Take it you must."

"What?!!" To choke on my own spittle I started.

"Yo, you fly, Mama Y!"

"Hee hee! 'Fly' I am. Hee hee!"

Going to go crazy I am.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

A Visit From Mommy


An unexpected visit from my mother I received today.

"Mommy! What a nice surprise this is!"

"Surprising to you that a mother would visit her son, it is, hmm?"

"No, meant that I..."

"Maybe if call more often you would, told you my plans to visit I could."

"Been meaning to call I..."

"Know what would surprise me, do you? That visit his mother, my son would! Shock me that would!"

"Been meaning to visit I have. But a war going on there has been."

"So if a war there is, forget that a mother you have, you can?"

"Forgotten you I have not! Just been very busy I..."

"Too busy for your mother you are? Good for you it is that too busy to give birth to you I was not! A good thing for you it is that too busy to feed you I was not! Or your diapers to change, or to school take you, or through your bed-wetting problem to help you, or..."

"OK! Sorry I am! Visit and call you more often I will!"

"Believe that when I see it, I will. I hope that treat you this way your younglings will not. Oh, I forgot! Younglings you have not! Going to settle down and have some younglings of your own, when are you?"

"Mommy, please, have this discussion again..."

"Yaddle what about, hmm? A nice girl she seems to be. The other day when talking to her on the phone I was..."

"To Yaddle you talk?!"

"Yes, a nice girl she is. That she likes you, I think."

"Mommy! Told you before I have, that get married and have younglings, Jedi do not! An oath we take. Besides, almost 900 years old I am!"

"So love me you do not."

"Silly that is. Of course, love you I..."

"If me you loved, give me grandyounglings you would! Know what it is like do you when pictures of their great-great-great-great-great-grandyounglings all of your friends take out, and not even grandyounglings you have? Hmm, do you?"

And why call her more often I do not, she wonders.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

One of Those Dreams

One of those dreams I had. The kind you know - where naked you show up to work.

There walking through the Temple I was, when staring at me all of these Jedi were. Then, by me, a crowd of tourists visiting the Temple walked. Pointing at me, one of the tourist's Youglings was. Their hands over their Younglings' eyes, the parents put.

So down at myself I looked. Naked I was! In a panic, I was. Running around looking for a place to hide, I was. Finally, to me it occured that a dream I was having.

So proudly down the hallway I strutted. At the end, the Chancellor and a large group of Senators were.

"Ah, Master Yoda," the Chancellor said then around to face me he turned, "What in the world - ?"

"Hello, Chancellor," I said, "what I think of you and your policies, this is." Around I turned and my tushy I showed him.

Heard from the other Senators, large gasps could be.

Then into the Council chamber I walked and my seat I took.

"Uh, Yoda."

"Yes, Windu."

"You do know that you're not wearing any clothes, don't you?"

"Hmm, yes. But worry not. Just dreaming I am."

"Yoda, you're not dreaming, man. You're really naked."

"Wait, dreaming I am not?"

"I am pretty sure."

Sure I had to be. So Windu I pinched.

"OW! Hey, that is going to leave a mark on my beautiful skin!"

Oh, Wookiee snot! In deep doo-doo I am.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...






"So, come to this, it had. Inevitable it was. On the Jerry Springer Show, Dooku and I were. Ready to throw down we were."











"Faster Kenobi, faster."
















"Here no Jedi is," in Huttese, Jabba said, "Looking for Obi-Wan Kenobi you are? Hanging out he is with my loser redneck brother, Bubba the Hutt:"








"I knew that happen this would! Enjoy doing the doggy paddle in the toilet, I do not!"













"Bugs, noooo!!! Done such a horrible thing to my cute little stuffed Bugs Bunny, who could have?"










Read all of these posts here you can. (Scroll to the bottom of that page and work your way up you should).

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Immense Wisdom


Sitting on a bench in the park enjoying my wamprat liver sandwich I was when talking to me this nice young man started. At first, telling me some long story he was. Then something that astounded me, he said.

"Mama always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get'."

Blown away I was! Extremely wise this man was! Never in my whole life heard anything so profound had I. But then, another extremely wise thing he said.

"Stupid is as stupid does."

See what I mean, do you?! A fountain of wisdom he was! More I had to hear.

"Please," I said, "more about the box of chocolates tell me."

"That's all I have to say about that."

But done he was not!

"We're all just floatin around accidental-like on a breeze."

Come up with these things, where does he?!

"Please, your name tell me."

"My name is Forrest Gump. But people call me Forrest Gump."

"Master Gump, almost 900 years old am I, but met anyone as wise as you I have not! A fountain of wisdom you are! A master I have been, but next to you, the student I become! Enlightened I feel. Opened, my eyes have become. Please more of your wisdom share with me."

"I gotta pee."

"Hmm, yes. Do not we all? Very true that is."

To make this man a Jedi Master and give him a seat on the Council I wanted, but for a bathroom he had to look. Very badly he had to go, because to run he started. Run very fast he can! Saw him again I did not. A shame that is. Learn much from him I could have.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Guest Poster - Padme Amidala [Topic: This Bird Flu Thingy]




'Kay, so like, I am totally freaked out about this Bird Flu thingy. Like I do not want to start growing feathers and like, start eating worms and junk 'cause that would be so totally gross. And like who's the rocket surgeon who got this stupid flu in the first place? Like, everyone knows birds don't cover their mouths when they sneeze, so what was he doing hanging out with them? I mean, yah, that was like so stupid.

It's almost as bad as like that Mad Cow thingy. There was this one time, like we all thought my Uncle Philber had the Mad Cow thingy, like he was all crazy and junk and started like jumping on the furniture and stuff, and eh-my-God, he was like so obnoxious. But like it turned out that he didn't have Mad Cow or anything, he just like converted to Scientology or whatever. But we were still way bummed 'cause we totally couldn't decide like which was worse.

But anyways, if it weren't for all the cool malls and shoe stores, I'd totally avoid your planet until this whole Bird Flu thingy disappeared or whatever. Unfortunately, Shoe Castle has this huge sale on these cute little Pradas I've like had my eye on forever. Eh-my-God, you guys, they are like so cute. So like, I don't have a choice or anything.

But don't worry, 'cause I have it like all planned out. Because I am so totally informed and educated about the Bird thingy, I'm taking like all these totally safe precautions - like I am totally not sharing my handkerchief with any birds. I mean like, no way. And 'cause I'm like a big-time Senator and junk, I ordered my handmaidens to like surround me and form one of those human shield thingies if they like see a bird about to cough on me or like a Chinese person chewing with their mouth open. Eh-my-God, that is like so gross.

So anyways, Master Yoda will be back to talk to you guys tomorrow. It was fun! Ciao!

Kisses!
Padmé

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Attention All Jedi


Attention all Jedi: If like this you see me, disturb me not! Very messy it can be if startled I am while in this, um, condition, I am. Messy for me it can be, and messy for you it can be.

Want a repeat of this morning's "incident" we do not. Still taking care of the mess, the cleaning staff is. And open until permission from the Health Department we receive, that particular facility will not be. Also, taken from the wages of the Jedi who disturbed me, the cost of my new robes will be.

So disturb me not when this way you see me. If invading Coruscant, an army of droids is, just have to wait until finished I am, it will. All I have to say about that, this is. And speak of this never again, we shall.

_______________________________

To promote Professor Xavier's blog yesterday I tried, but the wrong link my Stupid Intern put up! Beat him harder I must. So here the link is.

Speaking of mistakes by my Stupid Intern, fixed the misspelling on the new design in my online T-shirt store has been.

Monday, January 02, 2006

WARNING!



Apparently, happy with my proficient use of the Force-wedgie, the Senate is not. Yes, sometimes off my aim is. Yes, sometimes accidentally give Force-wedgies to "innocent" bystanders, I will. But done this only a few times I have - like to a few tourists, some elderly people in the park, several Girl Scouts, and that entire Trekkie convention, but the only times, those were! And yes, maybe caused a few air speeder accidents, this has, but suffered no permanent injury, anyone has!

At first, to forbid me from performing Force-wedgies, the Senate tried. So, to demonstrate the Force-wedgie on each and every Senator who for this silly resolution voted, I "offered". More reasonable after that they became. A compromise we reached. Signs with the above symbol in the Temple and in a 14-block radius around the Temple they put up. For the benefit of the tourists, this is.

But to wear a shirt with this sign they wanted me! Hmph! Do that I will not. But a good idea this gave me. Add this to my online T-shirt store, I made the Younglings who in the attic work, as my T-shirts they make. The entire design this is:



Own a shirt with this design you must! Get this at my online T-shirt store you can. An important cause you will support if shirts from my store you buy. To the Tiny Green Jedi Whose Names Rhyme With Soda Retirement Fund all the profits go. Also, told the Younglings I have that if enough T-shirts we sell, afford to put a heater in the attic, we can. So go there now, you must.

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Checked out Professor Xavier's blog have you? The man with the Big Brainy Machine in X-Men who oddly like Captain Picard looks, Professor Xavier is. Staging The Amazing Mutant Race, he is. A contestant on it, I am. Check it out you should.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Typical Morning

At the breakfast table, Kenobi and I were. Discussing the contents of this morning's paper we were.

"See, Kenobi, lazy Beetle is. And mad that makes Sarge. So feel the urge to beat Beetle up, that makes him."

"I still don't get it."

Just then, in Windu runs. "Have you people seen my scalp shining cream?"

"Look like what, does it?"

"Very funny. You people are always laughing at my pain! How about a little empathy? A little understanding? Don't you people care about my feelings? Can't you find it in your hearts to show me a little fellow-feeling? A little kindness? Would a simple hug kill you once in a while? Can't you take two minutes to look at me and say, 'Hey, Mace. You're looking especially shiny today. How do you feel?'... Well can't you? Can't you?!"

To me Kenobi turned, "So now this Beetle feller is lazy..."

"Didn't you hear a word I said?!" Windu cried.

"Hmm, yes. What you said, we heard," I assured him, "Feeling shiny you are, but in pain from laughing so hard you are. Yes."

"That is not what I said!"

"So many words!" Kenobi said, "How's anybody supposed to pay attention when you keep talkin' so much?! I mean, take a breath once in a while, or somethin'!"

Indignant, Windu became. "Well, excuse me for sharing my feelings! Excuse me for being human! Excuse me for wanting to communicate with my Jedi brothers! Excuse me for baring a little bit of my soul and making myself vulnerable to you people! Excuse me for..."

"More words!" Kenobi said, "If I hear any more I'm gonna go crazy!"

"Fine!" Up, Windu threw his hands, "I can't talk to you people."

"Coulda fooled me." Kenobi said.

"That's it! I'm leaving! I'm not putting up with this!"

"Still talkin'."

Off, Windu stomped. "Whatever! I am so mad!"

"I can still hear ya."

If mad Windu thinks he is now, wait until he finds out I used his scalp cream to wax my speader, he should.