The Chancellor's State of the Republic Address

Nothing good on TV tonight there was. His State of the Republic speech, the Chancellor gave. So boring it was. So through the channels I flipped. On almost all of the channels he was. On the rest, only garbage was. " ... which is why I have directed that legislation be submitted to the Senate which would ban all David Hasselhoff music from the Republic." Thunderous applause Flip "Not only does it slice, dice, puree, and get out those tough coffee stains, but it's great for treating hair loss too!" Flip "...and thanks to the No Wookiee Left Behind initiative, nearly every Wookiee youngling will have a chance to go to Obedience School." Thunderous applause Flip "Listen, you need to get real with yourself and identify these harmful behaviors. That's why I'm going to make sure you get a copy of my new book Get Off the Couch You Fat Cow." Flip "The Republic has become far too dependant on foreign sources for our cookies. Many of these sources are unstable worlds from the Mid East part of the galaxy. Tonight, I announce the Domestic Cookie Initiative, which will end our dependance on foreign cookies within the next ten years." Thunderous applause. Flip "How many thousands of credits would you expect to pay for this amazing product? But if you act now it's yours for only $19.99! We'll even throw in the nose hair trimming attachment, shoe buffing attachment, and this amazing set of steak knives for absolutely free! That's a $123,000.00 value for only $19.99! But that's not all! If you call within the next 30 seconds..." Flip "The Republic has made it clear to the Tatooine government that Tatooine must stop developing weapons of mass confusion..." Thunderous applause Flip "What's that, Lassie? Timmy's at the bottom of a ravine and his leg is broken?" "Arf!" "You say it's a compound fracture of his right tibula?' "Arf!" "Oh, you said fibula. I'm sorry." Flip "Thank you and good night." Thunderous applause. So, how a State of the Republic speech ends, this is - with thunderous applause. .

Peace and Quiet, All I Want Is

I think allergic to Kenobi I must be. Whenever around he comes, a headache I get. Hide from him now I must when some peace and quiet I want. Unfortunately, very good at finding me he is. And take a hint, he can not. "Master, whatcha doin inside that there kitchen cabinet?" "Uh... er... inspecting the pots and pans, I am. Close the door now you must, please." "That looks like fun. Can I do it too?" "No! I mean, too big you are. Fit in here you would not." "I betcha I could too fit." The next thing I knew, being squished between the Teflon non-stick pans and that stack of Tupperware without the lids, I was. "This ain't as much fun as you said," Kenobi said. "Said it was fun I did not! Invite you I..." "Hey!" Harvey the Youngling's voice I hear, "I wanna play!" "No, Harvey!" I yelled. But too late it was. Before I knew it, up in my face, my foot was. Move, I could not. "This isn't fun!" Harvey said, "You guys play some weird games, Master Yoda." "Mmph mmph ummph ummph!" I said. I think a vacation I need.

Guest Poster - Anakin Skywalker [Topic: Geezer's Nursemaid]

This is whack, yo! Them Geezers did it to me again! Check it: So Mace Daddy gets his lower back all jacked up and spit 'cause he be actin the fool in front of his Sweatin to the Oldies video, right? Or maybe it was his Buns of Steel video. Yo, whatever. Dude's old. Dude be dancin' in front of the TV. Dude's spine is jacked 'cause geezer can't dance no way. Anyway, M-Dawg decide he cain't do nothin for hisself on account of the doctor told him he gotta take it easy and spit. Like he do sumthin around here 'sides get in my grill all the time anyway. He say he need somebody to do stuff for him since he cain't do it his own self. Like one of us is gonna be all waitin' on him and spit. Well, I shoulda known them geezers would make me do it, yo. Yoda is all like, "Put up with his crap I will not. Going to do this you are." At first, I was all like, "I'm the Chosen One, yo! I ain't got time to be all nursemaidin' no geezer!" But then I thought maybe this give me the chance to be all brown-nosin' to Master Windu and maybe they make me a Master like they supposed to. So at first it was goin a'ight. He be sittin' up in bed while I get him his Ho Ho's and the latest issue of that Tiger Beat magazine that he like. But then he be all demandin and stuff. He like, "Anakin scratch my nose." And I wanted to tell him, "Yo, scratch you own nose, G! You arms ain't broke!" But I decide to do it anyhow, what with me tryin' to brown-nose and spit. But then, he decide he all completely helpless and stuff and he ain't gonna do nothin'. Like he cain't wax his own head 'cause he cain't move his arms up that far. So who you think be waxin, moisturizin, and exfoliatin him the whole time now? That geezer's skin care regimenizzle takes all day, yo! That like a full-time job it own self! But I be doin it for him, yo. And I ain't complainin neither. You think that enough for the geezer? Shuh. 'Fore I know it, he got me takin his pink fluffy shirt with the ruffles out to be dry-cleaned, doin' the Epilady on his back, organizin' his My Little Pony collection, and all kinda stuff like 'at. And I was like, "A'ight, I can do this. I'm the Chosen One, yo. Ain't nothin' I cain't handle." But then, like all of a sudden he whip his socks off and he like, "Anakin, massage my corns. They're killing me!" Yo, I took one look at them moldy feet and said, "Nuh-uh! I ain't goin' no where near that stuff, yo! You feet got all fungus and spit all over 'em. They green in places! They nasty!" Then he threatened to write me up and spit 'cause I ain't do what a Master tell me to do. Whatever, yo. The Chosen One ain't touchin' no foot fungus. I got my rep to think about. I got outta his room and I ain't been back. Let him get his own Ho Ho's, yo. Yo, Yoda be back here tomorrow to talk to you and spit. Like that means sumthin. .

Elevator Politics

Riding the elevator in the Senate building I was today. There, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Amidala, and her handmaidens were too. Suddenly, the cheese someone cut. Pretty bad it smelled. To pretend like it didn't happen, the Chancellor and Senator tried. But let this offense go, I could not. Take responsibility, someone had to. "Chancellor," I said, "like to venture a guess would you..." "Oh no," he responded, "I shall not be drawn into another game of 'Guess Who Farted' by you, Master Yoda. As I recall, the last time that happened, I was quite unjustly branded the 'Feller' even though I was clearly not the 'Smeller'." "My fault that was not. Make the rules I do not." "My understanding is that you did in fact make the rules for 'Guess Who Farted', as you created the game in the first place." "OK, so make the rules I did. Still, Chancellor, chosen as the 'Feller' fair and sqare, you were. However, this time, make the 'windy' you did not. No, from someone else the toot came." "I confess," Senator Amidala said, "Like, it was me, alright? I did it. I'm sorry. God. Whatever." "Wait," one of the handmaidens said as forward she stepped, "Like, I am the real Padmé Amidala. This is my handmaiden. They're like, trained to take the blame for me when this happens. I am the gas passer." "Like, are you sure?" Said the first one, "I was like so sure it was me." "I could've sworn it was me," yet another handmaiden said. I think maybe too close those girls are.

From Big Brother Naboo: Redecorating

This week on Big Brother Naboo, redecorating our bedrooms our challenge was. So bad that would not be. But Jabafatboy and General Grievous, my roommates are. No sense of style those doofuses have! Very close to having deer antlers and that Wookiees Playing Poker painting hanging on the walls, we had. Still, some fun I did have: "Hey, Grievous, you seen that little Yoda feller?" Hee hee hee! See my post here, you can. Vote on who should be evicted here, you can. See the other contestants' posts, here you can.

Chewbacca On TV

Today, an email from Chewbacca I received. On TV he was going to be, it said. Actually, more like, "Mworrrrrrr!! Wuarrrr! Mwar?" it was. Fortunately, fluent in Wookiee I am. Anyway, very excited he was, so to tune in I agreed. Unfortunately, this Doofus I saw: "Hi. I'm Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter, and today I'm in a really dangerous place called Kashyyyk! I'm here because I'm going to pull some actual hair from an actual Wookiee! Why? Because it's really stupid and I've got oatmeal for brains! "These beautiful creatures can grow to be over 7 feet tall! But don't let their good looks fool ya! One of these beauties could easily tear a man's arm right off! If you see a Wookiee, don't go near it - unless you're an overrated zookeeper desperate for attention, like me! "Crikey! There's a Wookiee right over there! What a beauty! It looks like he's performing the Wookiee resting ritual called 'chillin'. This is the perfect time for me to go up and grab a big old handful of his hair! "Blimey! What a smell! This big fella really stinks a lot! I've never smelled anything so bad! "Well, no time like the present! I'll just reach over and grab me a handful of this beastie's hair! "It just so happens it's Bring Your Baby to Your Insanely Dangerous Job Day! I think the little fella is almost as excited as I am! Well, here goes! "AAAAAHHH!!! Crikey! Me arm! That's not gonna grow back! AAAAHHH!!! Me face! AAAAHH!!! Blimey he bites hard! OWW!! Crikey, it hurts!! It's a good thing the baby got away! I never knew he could crawl so fast! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!..." Entertaining this turned out to be. Of course, excited to be on TV, Chewie was. After the show, me he called. Wondering if maybe he could turn himself into a celebrity because of this, he was. "Mwarrrr oowarrr Omarosa, ruaarrrrr!" he said. Know I do not, Chewie. Much meaner than that, Omarosa was. Next time, more brutal you will have to be.

Kenobi and Vegetables

Eat his vegetables, Kenobi will not. Good they are for him, I tell him. But listen, he does not. "Kenobi, many starving chldren in the galaxy there are. Love to have your creamed corn, they would." "Great! Let's box this up and give it to 'em." "Kenobi, get big and strong in the Force like me how will you if eat your spinach, you do not?" But on Kenobi, none of this works. Sometimes, required to force-feed him I am. "Choo choo! Open wide Kenobi! The train here comes! Choo choo!" The train he likes, get as much success from the airplane, I do not. Sometimes, force him to eat the vegetable I can if take his Cheetos away I threaten. But even then, find his veggies wrapped up in a napkin, I will. "Wait, Kenobi! Get up from the table do not! Eat your brussel sprouts, did you?" "Yep." "See let me. Your mouth open, please. Your tongue move. Kenobi! Swallow the brussel sprouts you did not!" Expect a little more maturity from a grown man I would. Wait. Kenobi I am talking about. Nevermind.

Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II

Ready to finish this, once and for all, Dooku and I were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us was. Below, a transcript of our fight is. Al: Hello, and welcome to this edition of Jedi Sumo. I'm your host, Al Michaels and joining me in the booth is John Madden. John, the crowd is literally buzzing tonight with anticipation of seeing these two titans of the Force face each other. John: Yeah, I tell ya, Al, I haven't see a crowd this buzzed since my sister's kid's wedding reception. Boy, they were sauced, let me tell ya. Al: Uh, yeah. Well, surely you'd agree this crowd is excited at the prospect of seeing these two combatants take to the ring tonight. John: Sure, and who wouldn't be excited to see these two guys, Doodoo and Yoga, goin' at it? I mean this is gonna be one heckuva fight, let me tell ya. I tell ya, I was so excited tonight, I almost forgot to eat my second helping of dessert! I can't wait to see these guys really hammer each other. Al: Well, it looks like you will get your chance, John. Yoda and Dooku have taken their positions in the ring. They each have their thumbs in their ears and are waving their hands as they stick their tongues out in each other's direction. That is the traditional Jedi Sumo Salute which begins every match. John: Boy, that was some raspberry that little Toga fella launched at Doodoo. It looks like Doodoo's wiping the spit out of his eye. I gotta tell ya, Al, I don't think Toga has got much of a chance here. That Doodoo fella has gotta outweigh him by at least 150 pounds. I just don't see him beatin' that. Al: I'm going to have to disagree with you on that point, John. As Yoda said in one of his locker room interviews, "Size matters not". We'll see if that holds true tonight. Oh, it looks like they may be getting ready to make their moves. Yoda: Ready to die tonight, are you, Dooku? Count Dooku: I say, old boy, I don't see how you can possibly manage without your mother here to fight this battle for you. John: Ooh, that had to hurt. Al: Yes, John. As you know, this is an important part of the traditional Jedi Sumo match, known as "Taw-keen Smakk". It looks like the first point goes to Dooku in this instance. Yoda's going to have to come up with a good line to recover from that one. Count Dooku: I trust we can be gentlemen about this and agree to avoid any direct blows to the face. I do have appearances to keep up, you know. Yoda: Worry about me messing up your face you should not. Like someone beat me to it, it looks. Count Dooku: I say, there's no need to be unkind. John and Al: OH!!!!! John: Yoga got him good with that one, Al. Al: Yes, and I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that Dooku left himself wide open with that "Don't hit me in the face" request. He literally handed Yoda the opening he needed. And then he followed it up with that feeble reply about being unkind. John: Yeah, I gotta tell ya, that was a pretty lame comeback if I ever heard one. That Count Cuckoo fella really needs to work on his technique. But I think where he's really gonna come out strong is the next part when they try to bump each other outta the ring. We're really gonna see some action then. Al: Well, they're lining up and facing each other. It looks like we're going to see that action you were talking about. Wait! What's this? Dooku is attempting to throw Force lightning at Yoda... Yoda catches the Force lightning and throws it back at Dooku's feet, forcing him to jump up and down. Yoda: Dance, Sith boy, dance! Hee hee hee! Kick your feet higher you must! Yes, it that is! Hee hee hee! John: That little Yoga fella sure has a funny laugh. Say, Al, is that lightnin' stuff legal? Al: John, as you know, there are almost no rules in Jedi Sumo. That's what makes it one of the deadliest forms of combat out there. Perhaps the only rule that has lasted down through the centuries in this time-honored martial art is that only one person comes out alive. You know, an interesting bit of trivia about the history Jedi Sumo is that originally, before the inflatable suits were invented, the combatants would fight in suits filled with live Ewoks. John: That musta been before they invented air. Al: Uh, yeah. Anyway, the combatants are taking their positions again. It looks like they are finally going to start bumping against each other with their Sumo suits. Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Yoda is waddling towards Dooku... Yoda walks right under Dooku's legs. It seems there was some miscalculation on either Dooku's or Yoda's part there... It looks like they're about to try it again... Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Wait! Yoda is off the ground... he's using the Force to propel himself into the air... It looks like Yoda is going to bump Dooku in mid-air... And they collide! John: OH!!! They're both down! Did you see the distance they flew after that bump, Al? Both of those guys, Yogurt and Cuckoo, really got knocked down pretty bad. Al: And it looks like those Sumo suits are making it hard for them to get back on their feet. Both of them are having a hard time getting back up, John. Yoda especially keeps rocking back and forth, trying to get himself back up. Rocking, rocking, rocking... Yoda: Zzzzzzzzz Al: What's this? Yoda has rocked himself to sleep, John! This is incredible! John: Yeah, and it looks like that Doodoo fella is gettin' up, now! Al: Will Dooku take advantage of this situation to gain the upper hand? No! It looks like Dooku is running away! Dooku is running away, apparently too afraid to finish the fight. John: Man, he always does that! Al: Well, it appears this fight will remain unfinished tonight. Frank Gifford is down at the ring now. Let's get Yoda's reaction to all of this. Frank: Yoda, what's your reaction to Dooku running off without finishing the fight? Yoda: Zzzzzzzzzzz So humiliating this was. Next time, just smite him down with my lightsaber, I will. Easier that will be and fall asleep I will not. .

Deathmatch With Dooku

Settle this once and for all, we will. No turning back now, there is. Going to throw down, Dooku and I are. Walk away from this alive, only one of us will. But dueling with lightsabers we are not. No, a form of Jedi combat even more brutal and dangerous, we chose. Ancient this form of combat is. Developed by the Jedi centuries ago, it was. Very respected, it is. Mastered it, only a few Jedi have. Want to see this deadly form of combat, do you? I don't know, perhaps see it you should not. OK, if see it you must, then scroll down you should. Wait! Out of the room are the younglings? Ok, then keep scrolling you can. Warning: If heart trouble you have, scroll down you must not. Also, if a weak stomach you have, scroll down you must not. The last warning, this is. Ok, here the deadliest, most brutal form of Jedi combat is: For the weak of heart, this is not. Time for Dooku's destruction, it is. .

A Purse It Is

I think maybe beyond help, Windu is. Trying to make him more macho we are, but working it is not. Some progress we thought we were making, but with a man-purse, Windu walked in today. Already "discussing" it when I came into the room, Windu and Kenobi were. "What're ya carryin' there, Mace, a purse?" "It is not a purse! It is an urban man bag! Can't you tell a purse when you see it?" "Looks like a purse to me." Kenobi said. "It is not a purse! It is an urban man-bag!" Windu objected. "Right Kenobi is, a purse it looks like to me too." "Well, I'm telling you it is not a purse!" Kenobi snickered. "Can ya put stuff in it?" "Yes, of course." "Do ya put it over your shoulder?" "Yes." "Well, then, what part of 'purse' cain't you understand?" "Very good, Kenobi. Almost sense that made. But right he is, Windu. A purse that is." "Yeah," Kenobi chuckled, "I think I'll start callin' you Mary from now on." "IT'S NOT A PURSE! You people really need to open your minds! Lots of men have started wearing urban man bags! It's convenient, it's trendy, and, most of all, it is manly! That's right, I said, 'manly'! Only a real man can walk around carrying one of these bags! It is manly to want a place to carry your important things, like head shine cream, vanity mirrors, and your favorite Beenie Baby! It is manly. It is manlier than manly!" "Going where are you?" "I have to get some shoes to match this bag! It clashes with everything I have!" As see you can, hopeless, Windu is. .

Steal My Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby You Must Not

Ow... Ow... Ow... An ice cream headache I have. Eating my Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby too fast, I was. Ow... Ow.. Excruciating the pain is. To take a lightsaber and chop my own head off I want. That bad the pain is. Ow... Ow... Ouch. Oh, gone now it is. Oh, sweet relief I am feeling. Eat my ice cream fast I must. Or else, try to steal it, Kenobi will. That know it is him I did not, he used to think. But all along, I knew. Just caught him in the act, I had not. But determined to catch him I was. So today, when to the freezer to steal my ice cream he went, what he saw this was: "C-c-c-c-caught you I ha-ha-have!" I said. "What the -?! How long you been in there, Master?" "Th-th-th-three hours b-b-b-b-been in h-h-h-here I h-h-h-have. B-b-b-busted you are!" "What's that noise?" "M-m-m-my knees kn-kn-kn-knocking together, it is. Out of h-h-h-here get me. F-f-f-feel my f-f-f-feet or h-h-h-hands I can not!" A while for the feeling to return to my extremities it took. A bad cold I have now, too. But worth it, it was. Kenobi I sure showed. .

From Big Brother Naboo

Checked out Big Brother: Naboo lately, have you? Why not? Hmm? Tired of your excuses, I am. But, if a reason to go there you need, below a little sample of it is. The Setting - Locked in a house with eleven other contestants for the reality show, Big Brother, I am. Teamed in pairs of two, for our first challenge we were. For our challenge, supposed to cook foods native to their home planet one person was, and supposed to eat it quickly the other person was. Teamed with Jabafatboy, I was. The cooking I would do, and the eating Jabafatboy would do. A disgusting pig he is, as see below you can: "Here, smell this. Smell fresh to you does it? Maybe a little taste you should have." "Whoa! A piece just flew up my nose! I'll have ta get it with my tongue." Check out the blog you must! An opportunity to vote on who gets kicked out of the house, you have! Click here to read my team mate's (Jabafatboy's) post you can. Then... Click here to read my post you can. Or... Click here to read all the contestants' posts you can. And... Click here to vote you can! If a Force-wedgie you desire not, check out the blog you will. .

In, the Jedi Master Is

Some weird ideas, the Chancellor has. To host a new radio call-in show, he wanted me. Called "Ask the Jedi Master" it is. Interested in such foolishness I am not. Advice from a talk show host, only losers seek. Wasted on losers, my wisdom is. Of course, stop me from advising Windu, that does not. But strongly, Chancellor Palpatine insisted. "It would make for wonderful public relations for the Jedi and indeed the entire government, if you would share your immense wisdom with the people, Master Yoda. And that, my friend, would go a long way towards convincing me to restore the Jedi Order's cookie budget." "Ok, twisting my arm you are." "Yes, I can be very persuasive." "No, literally I mean. Twisting my arm, you are. Let go now, please." "Oh, yes, of course. I apologize. I don't know what came over me." Creepy, that guy is. Anyway, convinced I was. So tonight my first night was. Like this it went: Me: "Welcome back. In the Jedi Master is, so our first call let us take. Have to say that everytime do I? Stupid that sounds." Producer: [in a whisper] "Yes. Don't talk to me. Just take the call." Me: "Ok, Charlene from Tatooine, our first caller is. Hello caller, there are you?" Producer: "The button!" Me: "What?" Producer: "Push the button." Me: "Which button? Too many there are." Producer: "The one that's flashing!" Me: "Oh, ok. Got it now, I think. Susan, there are you?" Charlene: "Hello? Am I on? Hello?" Me: "Susan, your radio turn down. Hear my own echo, I can." Charlene: "There. Sorry." Me: "Help you, how can I, Susan?" Charlene: "Well, I need to know if my boyfriend is ready to commit." Me: "Commit a crime, you mean?" Charlene: "No, I mean commit to me. It's just that he keeps giving me mixed signals, you know? One minute, he's all sweet to me, like letting me drive the car I loaned him and stuff, then the next minute he's setting my trailer on fire. One minute, he's letting me watch what I want to watch on TV during the commercial breaks of the football game, and then the next minute he's making out with my sister. I wish he'd let me know how he really feels. I don't know what to think!" Me: "Hmm, yes. Right you are. You're main problem, not thinking is. Tell me, first cousins were your parents?" Charlene: "You know my parents?" Me: "Charlene, need a man to complete you, you do not." Charlene: "Really?" Me: "Yes. A feeling I have that mess up your own life fine without his help, you could. Next caller. On the line, Kenny from Alderaan is. Go ahead caller. Hello, there are you? Caller?" Producer: "Push the button!" Me: "Oh yes. Confusing this is. Old I am. Patient you must be. Caller, there are you?" Kenny: "I'm here." Me: "With what can I help you, Kenny?" Kenny: "Well, I really like this girl in my class, but I don't know how to tell her. I mean I have told her, but I don't know how to do it in a way that will make her feel the same way about me. I mean she's really, really, cool and she makes me feel real happy. I just want her to like me that way, you know?" Me: Zzzzzzz Producer: "Wake up! You're on the air for crying out loud!" Me: "What? Hmm? Awake I am, listening I was." Kenny: "Master Yoda, I've tried everything to show this girl how much I like her. I've given her roses, read poetry to her, I've even seranaded her outside her bedroom window one night. Unfortunately, she didn't happen to be home that night..." Me: "Kenny, only go by what my people do to show they like each other, I can. Hopped on one foot in a circle around this girl while whistling, have you?" Kenny: "No." Me: "Stood on your hands in front of her while clucking like a chicken, have you?" Kenny: "Uh, no." Me: "Then really tried to show your feelings to this girl you have not, have you? Back with me get when serious you are." Kenny: "Wait, please! Just one more question!" Me: "Ok." Kenny: "Do you think it's possible that she doesn't like me back because I'm fat?" Me: "Probably. Especially if Acne you have too. Next caller. On the line, Patricia from Endor is. Hello Patricia. Hello? Patricia?" Producer [stomps over to Yoda and presses button in disgust] Patricia: [in an odd, high-pitched voice] "Hello?" Me: "Yes, on the air you are. Your problem what is?" Patricia: "Well, I have this really stupid boss. I mean he's a real jerk." Me: "MmHmm, more about this boss tell me. A big jerk he is?" Patricia: "Oh yes. No one likes him. He's so full of himself. He thinks he's the wisest person in the room. But he's just a tiny little weasel. A green weasel. He's just a short little green weasel." Me: "Young Skywalker! You that is?" Patricia: "Yo, busted! I mean, uh, [in high-pitched voice] No! My name is Patricia! I don't know any Skywalkers!" Me: "See through you I can! Young Skywalker you are! A Force-wedgie for this, you will receive!" Patricia Young Skywalker: "YEEEEOWWWW-OWIE-OW-OW!" [Receiver clicks. Phone hangs up on other end.] See do you? An utter waste of time this was.

More Monkey Business and Who the Winner of the "Name That Hutt" Contest Is

A surprise I got when at the breakfast table I sat this morning. As usual, there with his face in his bowl of Cap'n Typho cereal, Kenobi was. But different he seemed. "Kenobi, different you look ... Put my finger on it I can not ...Combed your hair is ...Shiny it looks ...Wait! What it is I know! Clean you look! Spray you with the pressure washer recently and then forget that I did, did I?" Up from his cereal bowl he looked. From his nose some milk was dripping. That he would use a spoon I really wish. "No. It's that monkey I got yesterday. He spent the whole dang night groomin' me. I knowed them monkeys groom each other, but I didn't know they use combs, hair dryers, and conditioner. That was kinda surprisin'." "Oh yes, the monkey. Returning it today you are, right?" "I guess." The cereal bowl he brought up to his mouth and with a loud slurp, he gulped down his milk. But a half-hearted slurp, it was. Tell that still upset he was, I could. Later, by Kenobi's room I passed. Neat and clean it looked! Shocked I was! "Kenobi!" I said, "To your room what happened?" "It's the monkey! He keeps throwin my stuff around!" "Mean what, do you? In the book case and not the floor, all of your comic books are. In your dresser, all of your socks are. Hanging from the ceiling fan, your underwear is not." "See! I cain't find nothin now, 'cause I don't know where anything is!" Just then, into the room, Windu came running. "Obi-wan!" he yelled, "Your stupid monkey keeps throwing his little monkey squeezins all over me! Do you know how hard it is to maintain your prettiness when you've got chimpanzee poop all over you?" "OK, it that does!" I declared. "I know. I know," Kenobi said, "I gotta take the monkey back." "No!" I said, "Going to keep the monkey you are!" Say what, can I? Be all bad, something that does that to Windu, can not! ______________________________________________ A Winner We Have! A winner in the Name That Hutt contest we have! Deshanna the winner is. "Skeeter the Hutt" her entry was. A blog called "The Calm Eye of the Insanity Tornado" she has. Check it out you might. An "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me, she will get. Also, a Gmail invitation she will receive. Congratulations, Deshanna! And like to thank everyone who participated, Jabafatboy and I would. So now, my pleasure to introduce to you it is... Skeeter the Hutt! .

A Request From Kenobi

Something to disuss with me today, Kenobi had. "Uh, master? I got a problem." "What it is, Kenobi? Get the Crayons stuck up your nose again, did you?" "No, no. It ain't nothin like that. I ain't got no Crayons stuck up my... Well, to be honest, I do, but that ain't what I came to talk to you about." "Told you before I have, actual monkeys, your 'Sea Monkeys' are not. Put bananas in the tank you must not." "Are you sure about that? I mean, uh, no, that ain't it either." "Well, then, what it is, Kenobi?" "Can I have a pet Chimpanzee? Please? I'll take real good care of it, I promise!" "Kenobi, take proper care of your Sea Monkeys you can not. No way there is that take care of a real monkey you could." "Aw come on! Please!" "No! End up feeding it and cleaning up after it I would. Absolutely not." "But... " "What it is, Kenobi?" "I kinda already got myself one." "You what?!" "It just followed me home, I swear! Can I keep it, please?" "From where, did it follow you?" "From the pet store." "Hm hmm, what I thought that was. Going to return that monkey tomorrow you are." "Oh, you never let me do nothin!" Already a monkey he is. Going to take care of two of them I will not!

Yard Sale at the Jedi Temple

This weekend, a yard sale at the Temple we held. All kinds of doofuses, a yard sale will bring out. "Do you have any baby clothes besides the Jedi robes?" "Baby clothes those are not! My robes those are!" Some of his old Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts, Kenobi was trying to sell. But the same question, customers kept asking. "What is this stain/smell? I've never seen/smelled that color/odor before." And always to haggle, customers want. "I'll give you two credits for that whole box of used robotic limbs." A hard time selling his things, Windu was having. Never seen so many Village People 8-trak cassettes I have. And two whole tables for his My Little Pony collectibles, he needed. Upset, Young Skywalker got when by the yard sale he stopped. An old teddy bear he picked up. "Yo, this is whack, G! What you doin' puttin' Mr. Snuggles out here, yo? This here my bear! Ain't nobody buyin' him!" "Young Skywalker, too old for Mr. Snuggles you are. Time to move on it is." "What?! My G.I. Jango action figures?! You tryin to sell my G.I. Jango action figures?! This ain't gonna play, yo!" "Play with them anymore you do not! Collecting dust in the attic they are!" "I just ain't seen 'em in a while! Besides, they all collectibizzles and spit." "But missing arms and legs many of them are!" "Oh, it's like that now, huh? You just throw someone out 'cause they ain't got they arms or legs? I ain't got my arm, yo! Why ain't you put one of them pieces of tape with the prices on my head and try to sell me?" "Crossed my mind, the thought has." "Fine! You go ahead and be like 'at! You know what you problem is? You all insensitizzle, G. I oughts to lay the smack-down on you and spit! Don't think I cain't do it, either! Cause I'm the Chosen One, yo! Ain't no one badder than me! I'm one bad, manly mammer jammer, yo! ...Come on, Mr. Snuggles. We outta here." Two boxes of his old things he carted up to his room. Talking to Mr. Snuggles the whole time he was, "Don't worry, Mr. Snuggles. I won't let nobody do nothin like 'at to you again!" Six hours later, sold most of our things we had. Two days, getting ready for this we had spent. 52 items we had laid out. At least an hour breaking down the tables and cleaning up we spent. Finally, ready to count all the money we had made, we were. So the box I opened and the money I counted. 12 and a half credits we made. Almost .10 an hour that turns out to be. I think go have a good cry now, I will. ____________________________________________ By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.

Why Eat An El Beefo Grande Burrito Before Bed You Should Not

Movie night it was last night. Kenobi's turn to pick the movie it was. King Kong he chose. A surprise this was not. Any movies with monkeys he likes. Ok the movie was, except three hours long it was. Had been a problem this would not, but a Jumbo Slurp soda from the concession stand I had bought. A long time to hold my bladder that was! When over the movie was, knock over some people I had to so that get to the men's room I could. Then a long line in the restroom, there was. I knew that if to wait I was forced, be able to make it I would not. So the Jedi Mind Trick I used on the men ahead of me. "Need to be here you do not. No shame in wetting your pants there is." Anyway, after the movie, hungry we were. So to Taco Hut we went. The El Beefo Grande Burrito I had. A mistake that was. Have that kind of food so close to bed time I should not. A disturbing dream I had. Describe it to you I can not. Only show it to you I can. [Scroll down you must] Almost afraid to close my eyes I am now. ___________________________________ By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.

A Powerful Enemy

A devastating defeat our clone troops experienced the other day. Unusual for them, this is. Almost always they win. Trained and bred for fighting they are. Very good at their job they are. The commander of the batallion and some of the others we summoned to the Council Chamber. For this loss they had to answer. A full explanation we expected from them. "The enemy was just out-classed us, sir! That army was unstoppable! No one can defeat it! They're tough, vicious, and merciless. Those of us who survived are lucky to have gotten out of there alive," the commander said. "This mighty army that beat you so badly, who is?" "Uh, well, our intel agents were able to get a picture of them." [scroll down you must] "Ewoks?!! Brought down by dancing teddy bears you were?!" "You don't understand, sir! They had like sticks, and rocks and stuff!" "Yeah," a second Clone Trooper piped in, "and they don't fight fair, either! Some of them even bite!" "But body armor and blasters you have." "It's useless against them, I'm telling you, useless!" Uncontrollably, one of the Troopers began to sob. To comfort him the others started. Hysterical, he became, "I'm not going back there! You can't send us to fight those monsters again! You can't!" Know what to make of this I do not.

Big Brother: Naboo

On yet another reality show I am. Suprisingly easy to get on these things it is. Anyway read all about it at the Big Brother Naboo blog, you can. Here, an excerpt from my first post is: No wonder, like to talk about that branch of the family Jabba the Hutt does not. But there, standing in his Jabba Skynyrd T-shirt which was seven sizes too small for him he was. [Note to overweight people: If an "outie" belly-button you have, wear tight shirts do not!] Then, worse it got. Since the last one to arrive I was, stuck rooming with Jabafatboy, I was! Learned more than I want to know about him already, I have. To gargle with baking soda a full-hour before going to sleep he has to. 'Wards off the throat boogers' he says. Be so bad that would not if sang All My Exes Live In Texas over and over again while gargling he is, he did not! And started on the snoring do not get me! Work on a Hutt, those nasal strips do not! Heard quieter leaf blowers, I have. Read the rest here, you can.

Ask Yoda

Questions you have. Answers I have. From Your Comments Wedge Antilles - Mr. Yoda, if you think Ms. Yaddle is too young at 477, what should we think of your feelings toward Dolly, who has not even over 100? Answer - 825 years old in dog years, Ms Parton is. So OK with that I am. RedHeadWithBedHead - What is Chewbaca's favorite food? Answer - Wet or dry food you speak of? Wet from a can his favorite is, but only eat the Lamb and Rice Mighty Wookie he will. Unfortunately, "The Runs" it gives him. So mostly Wookiee Chow specially formulated for adult Wookiees I feed him. Also partial to Kibble he is. Lt. Cmdr Oneida - Do you ever wear socks? Answer - Socks I use to wear. Unfortunately, too busy to keep my toenails clipped, I am. So holes my socks kept getting. Besides, bad for my corns, most socks are. That's why orthopedic sandals I wear now. From Your Emails Marc H. writes "Master Yoda, If you are almost 900 years old, then how old is your mom? Your Faithful Padawan Obi "I Already Won" Kenobi Keeper of the Peace in Washington NJ" Padawan Mark, Know the answer to this, no one does. Never her age she tells. If the question you ask, always "390 and holding" she says. Then smack you with her purse, she will. If questions for me you have, leave them in the comments to this post or email you can. By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or yesterday's post on this blog, you can.

Deathmatch With Dooku/ Name That Hutt Contest

Forget to check out the "Name That Hutt" contest at the bottom of this post do not! Finally, come to this point we had. There we were, me and Dooku, Dooku and me. Ready to fight to the death, we were. A long time coming this had been. But very busy we are and scheduling conflicts we always have. Besides, even when schedule these fights we do, Dooku always forgets. One of those day-timers I got him, but never he uses it! See how evil he is, do you? But anyway, where I was? Oh yes, there we were, ready to fight it out, we were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us would. Two giants in the Force, about to have an epic battle we were. Master against master, Sith against Jedi, Dark Side against... um, whatever the other side of the Force is called. Force lightning, Dooku threw at me. With my bare hands I blocked it. Back at him I threw it. At the last moment he ducked. "Now see here, Old Boy!" he said as his hair he straightened up, "I distinctly remember we agreed not to aim at the face! I do have an appearance to keep up, you know." "Matter your appearance will not, if dead you are!" At that moment, in the air I leaped at him as my lightsaber I ignited. By igniting his lightsaber, Dooku responed. About to clash blades we were when suddenly, knocked to the ground Dooku was. But knocked him down I had not. Around his neck something was. "Mommy! Fight my own battles I can! Humiliating this is!" Beating Dooku with her purse, my mother was. "Going to wave one of