Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Perfect Disguise

To pick up her... uh... say this how do I... feminine products for her from the store, Yaddle wants me. Time this better could she not? A rare day when away on missions, all of the other female Jedi are, she needs these things.

"Pick them up, I can not!" I told her, "Embarrassing that would be!"

"Pick them up you will," she said, "because my Sweet Baboo you are."

"You're Sweet Baboo I am not! Stop calling me that you must!"

"Call you 'my Sweet Baboo' in front of the Senate I will if go to the store for me you do not!" she said.

How to get what she wants, that girl knows. To go to the store I agreed, but be recognized buying those things I can not. Puzzled about how to do this I was. Then, an idea I got. A disguise I will use! Yes, the perfect disguise I have. Scroll down to see it you can.

A clever disguise it is, yes.

Recognize me no one will.

Yes, me that is in the picture! I know, tell you can not. But the one in the mask I am.

Work perfectly this will.


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

House of Wax

In a snit, Windu was today. "I am mad at you people!" he said.

"This time what is it, Windu?"

"I waxed my eyebrows and you haven't said a thing about it! I bet you didn't even notice! Typical, just typical."

"Um, waiting for the right time I was. Yes, it that is."

"I waxed them three days ago! What were you waiting for, a sign from Heaven?!"

"Gol-lee," Kenobi snickered, "Maybe you should paint yer toenails and put on a dress, while you're at it."

"Shut up, Obi-wan! Real men wax their eyebrows! Real men wax other places too. You see these eyebrows? This is the only hair on my body right there!"

"T.M.I., M-dawg. T.M.I." Young Skywalker said.

"Youns spellin' around me again so I don't know what youns is talkin about?" Kenobi asked.

"Shuh," Young Skywalker sighed, "I ain't spellin, Obes. 'T.M.I.' means 'Too Much Information', yo."

"Look," Kenobi said, "All I know is, youns'll never ketch me doin' that to my eyebrows."

"What do you mean, 'eyebrows'?" Windu asked, "All I see is one eyebrow, and it goes straight across your head! Haven't you ever heard of tweezers?"

"At least I don't look like no girl!" back Kenobi shot.

"Of course not! You don't even look human!" Windu retorted.

Right then, onto the floor Kenobi body-slammed Windu. A while to catch his breath, it took Windu. By then, left the room Kenobi had.

"Tsk, tsk," to Windu I said, "What you get for trying to get into a battle of wits with Kenobi, this is. Unarmed in a battle like that, he is. Like challenging someone in a wheel chair to a kick-boxing match that is. Inevitable, your body-slam was."

Small comfort to Windu that was. Trying to get the rug burn off of his face for the next several days, he will be.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Bad Influence on Young Skywalker

A knock on the front door there was today. To answer it I went. Standing there a shady-looking young man was . Trouble he was. Tell this I could.

"Help you can I?" I said.

"Yo, is Ani-Dawg ready or what?" he said.

"Of Young Skywalker you speak?"


"And who you are?"

"Flava, yo. Flava the Hutt."

"And want with Young Skywalker what do you?"

"What's with the 3rd degree, G? I'm just trying to hang with my dawg, yo."

"See your dog I do not. But walk him without Young Skywalker's help you can."

"Yo, G, you trippin'. Is my boy here or not?"

"Fine my balance is. Do what exactly, will you and Young Skywalker?"

"Why you gotta be all up in my face? We just gonna cruise in my ride scoping hoochies."

"What? Understand a word you just said, I did not."

"And after that, we gonna chill in my crib, poppin our fingers to 50 Cent."

"Huttese are you speaking?"

"Yo, why you dissin me like that? I ain't all evil and spit."

"That determination I will make. Where you are, your parents know?"

"Yo I'm grown! Why you got to be all up in my grill?"

"Interested in barbecuing with you I am not. But I think talk your parents, I should. A wholesome influence on Young Skywaker, I sense that you are not."

"Not cool, yo! I just want to hang with my homie!"

"Sorry, but play with you he can not. Grounded he is."

"What, fuh real? That's whack!"

"What that is?"


"Old I am. Hear you so well, I can not. Say what again, it is?"

"Whack!... Ouch! Hey!"

To protect Young Skywalker from bad influences, I must. Besides, getting tired of this conversation I was.

Checked out my T-shirt store lately have you? Marked down all of the prices in both stores and added a few new products I have!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Return of Steve the Spider

If know about my encounters with Steve the Spider you do not, read about them here and here, you can.

To the office of Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I took Bob the Bantha today. Very helpful in teaching me to get past my fear of spiders, Steve has been. Not quite over it yet, I am. But Steve says "progress we are making", whatever supposed to mean that is.

It turns out, a pet psychiatrist, Steve is too. So I thought maybe help Bob he could. Very neurotic Bob is.

"Say, you didn't bring that Anakin kid again, did you?" Steve asked me when to his office I got.

"No, home he is."

"Good, 'cause I tried talkin to him when you brought him in. Wasn't productive, know what I'm sayin here? He kept sayin, 'Shut up about my mom, yo!' He's got issues, that kid. Very resistant."

"Yes," I said, "aware of that I am."

"I can't help somebody unless they wanna be helped."

"Yes, yes. But a new patient I have for you."

"Oh, yeah. So this is Bob. So whatta we got here?" Steve asked.

"Well, nervous Bob is."

"Yeah? What's he do, chew on your shoes when you're out of the house, or somethin?"

"Actually, shed when away I am, he will."

"Well, that ain't nothing peculiar, know what I'm sayin? Banthas, Wookies, cats, Elvis impersonators, they all shed a little. A little hair on the sofa, a little hair on the carpet. It ain't nothin. Fuhgedaboudit."

"No, but a lot Bob sheds. A lot."

"How much are we talkin, here?"

"Put it this way, let me - the other day when home I came, at first I thought that laid down shag carpet in the Temple parking garage, someone had."

"Ooh. Yeah, that's a lot. I see what you're saying."

"All that is not. Surprise him I can not. Announce myself before coming into the room I must."

"What's he do if you don't announce yourself?"

"Uh, well, control he loses, if what I mean you know. Very messy it can be."

"Hmm. Interesting."

"And like to be ridden, he does not. If a dose of his Prozac I miss, freak out if ride him anyone tries."

"Well, I think we can..."

"Wait! The worst of it that is not! A gas problem he has. Fart whenever a certain word someone says."

"What word?"

"Whisper it to you I will... pickle."


"Whisper it again I will... pickle."

"Say again?"

Again I whispered, "pickle."

"I can't hear you."

"'Pickle' I said! Deaf are you?!... Uh-oh."

"WUAAAAAAWWWWWWW!" Phhlllllllllbbbbtttttt!!!!

"*Cough* Can't... breathe... Must *cough* open the *cough* windows..." Steve said as staggering towards the windows he was.

To help him I decided. To get the windows open before passing out we managed.

"Why does he do that?" Steve asked.

"Know I do not. Why I brought him here, that is."

"Ok, well I'll see what I can do... as soon as the room stops spinnin, here."

Close to Bob, Steve came and stroking Bob's head he started. Then a strange sound Bob started making. Very low, very soft it was, "Wuhhhrrrooooooooo."

"Hmm, yes," Steve said, "Tell me more."


"And how does that make you feel?"


For about half an hour this went on. Finally, Steve said, "Well, I know why pick- uh, that word makes him so nervous."


"Nightmares. He's had these nightmares ever since he was a little... whatever the heck little banthas are called. In the nightmare, he's being chased by a giant pick- uh, you-know-what. That's why he gets so scared when he hears that word. It freaks him out, know what I'm sayin?"

"Know this how do you?"

"He told me."

"Told you? Tell you how could he?"

"What? You didn't hear him talkin to me over here? Whatta you, deaf or somethin?"

"Well, cure him of the farting can you?"

"Oh that's gonna take several sessions. Like I gotta find out what the you-know-what in his dreams represents. Could take years."


"What I'm more worried about right now is the relationship between yous two guys."

"Nonsense this is! Talking about what are you?!"

"Hey, it ain't nonsense to Bob. He don't feel you take him seriously. He thinks maybe you don't want him around sometimes."

"Silly this is! A bantha Bob is! Told you all of that he could not have!"

"Bob don't like it when you talk about him like he ain't in the room."


"Yoda, you need to show Bob that you acknowledge his feelings. So I want you to tell him, 'Bob, I hear you, and I acknowledge you're right to feel that way.' Go ahead."

"Bob, you I hear and acknowledge... Oh, stupid this is! Say that I will not! Like having Windu for a pet this is, only with hair."

"Well, I can see we gotta lot of work to do here. I want to see yous guys back here next week for our next session."

Great, group therapy with a bantha. Looking forward to that I am.

Checked out my T-shirt store lately have you? Marked down all of the prices in both stores and added a few new products I have!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Attack on the Jedi Temple

A massive attack on the Jedi Temple, General Grievous and the droid army launched today. During Matlock this was, so very inconvenient for me it was. Call before attacking us, I wish Grievous would. But very impolite he can be.

Away from Coruscant most of the clone troopers were, so no back-up we had. At first, attacked the Temple, only about 50 droids had. Short work of them we made. But then, into the temple, hundreds of droids swarmed. Then thousands. Overwhelmed we were.

To fight creatively we had to. "Down the hallway by Kenobi's room, lead the droids!" the other Jedi I ordered.

Then, at just the right time, "Now, Kenobi!" I yelled.

At that moment, his door Kenobi opened. Out of his room a large cloud of Cheeto dust came. See, the droids could not. Also, getting stuck in their circuits the Cheeto dust was. Able to take out many of them that way, we were.

But enough, that was not. Still coming they were. So I ordered, "To the parking garage lead them!"

We kept retreating until in the parking garage we were. By the time Grievous and his troops had arrived there, waiting for them we were. At the far end of the parking garage, gathered behind Bob the Bantha, all the Jedi were. Pointed at Grievous and the droids, Bob's tushy was.

"Give up, Jedi," Grievous said, "You are cornered. There's no where you can run."

"Right you are, General," I said, "With you I agree. In quite a... uh... something we are. That word I'm looking for, what is? In what we are?"

"You mean you're in trouble?" Grievous offered.

"No, the word I am thinking of that is not. In something else we are."

"In deep doo-doo?"

"No, no. That, it is not either."

"In escrow?"


"In a rut?"


"In debt?"


"In like Flint?"

"No, the situation we are in now, it describes."

"In over your heads?"


"In danger?"


"In peril?"

"No. A food-related word it is, I think."

"In a jam?"

"No. I think with 'tickle' it rhymes."

"Oh, you mean 'pickle'. You're in quite a pickle!"

"WUAWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Bob the Bantha yelled, and then, phhlllllllllbbbbbbttttt!!!! Right on cue, it was.

Ever seen droids run so fast, I have not. But outrun the sonic fart wave, they could not. Smashed to pieces when blown against the wall by the wind, many of the droids were. The rest, melted by the toxic fumes right where they were standing, they were.

"Retreat!" Grievous yelled, "Re*cough*treat! *cough* *gag* *cough*". But too late it was. The only one left standing, he was. About to chase him we were, but out of the garage and into a waiting transport ship he jumped.

Other than that, today nothing much happened. Kind of boring it was. How about you?

Friday, November 25, 2005

Guilty I Feel

Very guilty I feel. Eating at me, this has been. Tell someone about it I have to. Maybe feel better I will.

Lose his hair naturally, Windu did not. You see, angry he made me one day. Making fun of my height at the council meeting that day he was.

"Hey Yoda, why don't you stand up when you address the group? Oh, I'm sorry, you are standing!" So original he is.

"Yoda, if we catch you, will you have to tell us where your pot of gold is? How about your Lucky Charms?"

"Yoda, look me in the knee and tell me that!"

Laughing at me the Council was. And Windu's fault it was! But mad, I do not get. Even I get. Only this time, maybe a little more than even I got. A "special ingredient" I mixed into his Tofurkey that night.

The next morning, screams from Windu's room I heard. "Aaaaaaaah! My hair! My beautiful hair! Why?! Oh God, why me?! I'm too pretty to deserve this!"

At first, a hard time adapting he had. An actual funeral for his good-looks, he threw. Sob unconsolably he would. "It's just not fair. There's so many people out there less pretty than me, but they still have all their hair. Why?!"

Only supposed to fall out temporarily, his hair was. Unfortunately, over yet, "temporarily" is not. Like a bowling ball his head looks (the bowl polishers at the bowling alley he actually uses on his head), and my fault it is.

Kind of bad about that I feel sometimes. But then, launch into one of his hour-long lectures about skin moisturizing he will. Not so guilty after that I feel.

So relieved I am now that told you about this I have. A load off of my conscious this is. Just tell Windu do not.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi [Topic: Now's My Big Chance]

Today I was watchin that there Entertainment Tonight 'cause it's about the only news show I understand. It's got real important news, too. It's got stuff I care about, and not none of that borin government stuff.

Well anyway, I just turned it on and they was talkin about Jessica Simpson and that young feller splittin up. 'Course, people been talkin about that for a long time now, gettin my hopes up and what-not, but now it's real official-like. They signed papers and everything.

'Course, the only thing I could think the whole time was, "Now's my big chance." I mean I been waitin for this ever since Jessica and that feller got hitched. Before she did that, I was even writin letters to her askin her to wait. I told her she should save herself for me, 'cause it would be worth it and all.

But she didn't listen and married that feller anyway. Now this happened, but I knowed it would. 'Cause me and her was meant to be together. It's our, what-ya-call, "density". (That there word means it's bound to happen, no matter what.)

'Course, all us Jedi take this oath against that kinda stuff. The book says, "A Jedi must not know fear, love, attachment" and what-not. But heck with that! I mean, look at her!

(By the way, that ain't really me in the picher. You probably cain't tell, but I cut out a picher of my head and taped over the head of that feller Jessica married.)

But as I was sayin, it's our density to be together, and she knows it too. I know she knows it. I could see how she feels about me cause I could read between the lines in them letters she wrote me. When she would say stuff like, "Please stop writing me ten letters a day," and "I will not send you a lock of my hair. Please quit asking," I could tell how much she loves me. And I know that there restrainin order had to be that feller's doin', cause she wants us to be together.

I would treat her real good, too. I wouldn't never make no fun of her like that feller did when she was confused about that there tuna fish. I mean, it was a good question! The can says "Chicken of the Sea"! Is it chicken, or is it tuna? I didn't know neither! So Jessica, I understand you, Darlin. And I'm comin, just as soon as I can figure out a way to reach you without gettin throwed in jail.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Smiting, Blindness, and Windu

Today, the planet Alderaan, the Separatists' droid army attacked. To help stop their invasion, Windu and I went. Going well it was. Smiting down droids left and right I was. "The Zone" I was in - the "Smiting Zone".

But then, over to me Windu yelled, "Yoda, you take the left flank, I'll take the right."

Know what that means, Windu does not. In a movie he heard that. Anyway, to respond I turned and...

"AAAAAAAAAH!!" I yelled, "My eyes! My eyes! Blind I am!"

The first rule of Jedi combat I forgot - ever look directly at Windu's head on a sunny day you must not. That rule, every Youngling knows. Believe that I forgot that, I can not. But the price for it I paid. Now, blind I was and surrounded by droids I was!

Trying to depend on the Force I was so that keep myself from being shot I could. Swinging my lightsaber all over, deflecting blaster shot after blaster shot I was. But depend solely on the Force, a Jedi can not.

"Ow! Watch where you're swinging that thing!" Windu say, I heard. Come to help me he had. Ever thought that relieved to hear Windu's voice I would be, I did not.

Returned by the time we got back to the Jedi Temple, my sight had. Still, sore my eyes were. The council decided that wear a hat during combat, Windu must from now on. At first, happy about that he was not. Then, into it he got, especially after I told him that have to wear my John Deere cap he would not. Instead, what he chose, this was:

"No, Windu," I said, "A good look for you that is not."

"Why?! I'm trying to express my inner self. Maybe you just can't deal with that!"

"A pimp, your inner self is?"

"I can't talk to you!" Windu said then off in another little hissy fit he stormed.

Sometimes I think from himself, Windu needs saving.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Windu's Turn to Cook

Windu's turn to make dinner tonight it was. Never good this turns out. And the same "Kiss the Cook" apron he always wears. No takers he ever gets on that, by the way.

"Man," Young Skywalker said, "I'm starvin yo! For serious! Hook me up with some of that roast beef, Master W."

A big bite he took. Then quickly out he spit it. "What is this crap, yo?"

"It's Tofurky Loaf!" Windu said, as if proud he was. "We also have wheat-free, gluten-free macaronis covered with Tofutti cheese. And we have raw organic spinach - that means it wasn't fertilized by chemicals, no sir! They used real manure, man! Of course, for desert we have unflavored flan covered with non-dairy soy whipped cream! Mmm-mmm! And you can wash it all down with a big old class of ice-cold, refreshing lactose-free rice milk. Yes, sir! We're going to be eating like kings tonight!"

Just then, square in the face, a glob of Tofurkey hit Windu. Thrown it, Kenobi had.

"What you servin us all this here healthy food for? You tryin to kill us or somethin?"

"Now just a minute!" Amused, Windu was not. "I worked real hard cooking this..."

"Windu," I said, "work for you, an all-Tofurkey diet may. But to the rest of us, a form of torture it is."

"You don't understand, man!" he said, "I am trying to make you people healthier! You need to eat to live, instead of living to eat! Look, my body is a temple. I don't put garbage in the temple of Windu, you understand? Garbage in, garbage out. You don't see garbage coming out of this temple!"

"And see it, we had better not. Listen, Windu..."

"Don't you want to feel good? Don't you want to look good? Look at me! You don't get this pretty eating greasy fatty foods with all those evil preservatives. No sir! Clean out that colon! Make it all shiny and pink! That's right, make your colon pretty! You can't be truly pretty until your colon is pretty. You'll live a longer life, a better life, a Windu life."

"Windu," I said, "lived almost 900 years I have. Already gone into overtime, my life has. Want to waste what precious time I have left on Tofutti I do not."

"What about you, Anakin? Don't you want to live a longer, healthier, prettier, Windu-ier life?"

"Not if I got to eat this crap, yo. I'd rather stick my head in a tank full of piranha. For serious. 'Sides, I got the illin good looks already, yo."

Getting frustrated, Windu was. Throbbing, that big vein in his forehead was. "Can't you people sit down and eat just one meal that isn't contaminated with preservatives, artificial sweetners, and fats? Can't you just enjoy the pure goodness that nature has to offer? Can't you... Obi-wan! What the heck are you doing?"

"This stuff ain't half bad if you spread a whole buncha Cheez Whiz on it! I got the rest of the Tofurkey in the deep-fryer. I rolled it in a beer batter. Can't wait to see how that turns out."

At Kenobi, Windu just stared. "Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable." Then out he stormed.

"Finally!" I said. "Now order pizza we can. Pizza Hutt coupons I have and Two-for Tuesday it is."

Monday, November 21, 2005

All The Wrong Places My Hair Grows

All the wrong places my hair grows. In my ears it grows. On my knuckles it grows. On my back it grows. In my nose it grows. But grow on top of my head it will not!

Be so bad, being bald would not, if tease me my hair would not. Grow very thickly out of my face and everywhere but my scalp, it will. Every day I shave, still a shadow I get by five o'clock. My tweesers I get out and constantly plucking I am. Very painful it is. But back the next day, my nose hairs are, just hanging down and flapping in the wind they are.

Taunting me, my hair is! Saying to me it is, "Ha, ha! Grow everywhere except where you want me to grow, I will! Ha ha!"

Stupid hair! Maybe just take a bath in Nair I will. A lesson that will teach it! Hmph!

Added a new design and some new products to my online store I have. The North American store that is. Coming soon to the European store those products are. Checked out my T-shirt store have you? Click the banner on the left you must!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Master Yoda's T-Shirt Store Grand Opening

Update, the Sequel: added now, a mousepad is.
Update: working now, the banner link and the link below it is.

Noticed the new banner on the left, have you? Opened an online t-shirt store I have. What?! Every day with a new post I entertain you! Buy a t-shirt from me you can not? Too much to ask that is?

A bantha I have to feed now. Know how many pounds of Purina Bantha Chow he goes through every day, do you? And expensive, his Prozac is too. So with every t-shirt you buy, helping to feed a poor bantha you are - a poor, blind, farty bantha with a nervous disorder. Want him to starve, do you?

Ok, another reason that selling t-shirts I am, there is. To buy an annual Dollywood pass I want. Maybe this you remember, but a few months ago, stolen my wallet was. In my wallet, my Dollywood annual pass was. Cheap, the passes are not!

Besides, helped me to fulfill my dream of retiring on Adsense, you have not! Very selfish of you that is. (A solicitation to click the Adsense ads that is not.)

So this online store I set up. Ok, my Stupid Intern who set it up it was. But only do what I tell him, he does. So the credit I get. To beat him extra hard to do this, I had to. Exhausting that was.

All kinds of t-shirts, plus coffee mugs, clocks, mousepads, and other items there are. For now, only two designs there are, but coming soon more are.
Note to European customers: A separate site for you there is (see link below banner). Have to pay international shipping rates you will not if that site you use. Sorry, available no Asian or Latin American stores are. But buy at one of the other stores you still can.

In other news, setting up a poll where choose the top 10 posts out of my posts numbers 101-200 you can, very soon I will be. Ok, ok! Doing it my Stupid Intern will be! But just talk about that did we not?

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Great Cereal War

A fight between Kenobi and Harvey the Youngling I had to break up today. "Throwing down", as Young Skywalker would say, pretty hard they were. Surprisingly, holding his own pretty well against Kenobi, Harvey was. Actually, surprising that is not. Young Skywalker come running in to rescue Kenobi, I half-expected to see.

Knocked over, the kitchen table was. Wide open one of the cereal boxes was torn. All over the floor, cereal was. Ripped their robes were, and all over each other, they had dumped their cereal bowels, milk and all.

Pulling each other's hair they were. Then, Kenobi's hand Harvey bit.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Kenobi yelled.

"Let go!" yelling Harvey was, "It's mine!"

"You let go!" Kenobi yelled back, "I saw it first!"

Massive Force-wedgies I gave both of them. Stop fighting this made them. "Boys! Fighting why are you?"

"He started it!" Kenobi said.

"That's a lie!" Harvey yelled.

"Enough!" I said, "What about, the fight was?"

"I dug the toy out of the box of Wookiee Crisp, so it's mine!" Harvey said, "But Master Obi-wan said it was his even though I'm the one who dug it out. Then he tried to take it from me, so I wouldn't let him, then he pushed me and I pushed him back then I dumped my bowl of cereal on him, 'cause he wouldn't stop, then he dumped his bowl of cereal on me and he tried to grab the toy again but I wouldn't let him have it then the table knocked over and..."

"Ok, ok, Harvey. Take a breath you must."

"Liar!" Kenobi yelled, "I been waitin weeks for that Wonder Wookiee decoder ring and everybody knows it! I called dibs on it a long time ago!"

"Did not!" Harvey said.

"Did too!" Kenobi's clever comeback was.



"Kenobi!" I said, "A grown man you are! Ashamed of yourself you should be! Give the toy to Harvey you will. And clean up this mess right now, both of you will!"

"But that ain't fair!"

"'Now' I said!"

"Thanks, Master Yoda," Harvey said.

"Thank me do not. Punished for fighting, you both will be."

"Aw, man!" Harvey said, "Um, Master Yoda?"

"Yes, Harvey."

"Well, me and Master Obi-wan were wonderin - did they pay you when they put your picture on the Lucky Charms box?"

"It that is!" I said, "Get the toy no one does!"

Take only so much I can.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Proper Punishment for Young Skywalker

So mad at Young Skywalker I am! To stay out past his curfew he wanted, so during the night all the clocks in the Temple he set back two hours. Including my alarm clock that was!

Miss my appointment to smite down Dooku he made me! Supposed to meet Dooku at 8:00 I was. These appointments, Dooku never makes. Yet, when to the appointed smiting place I got, there a sticky note from Dooku was:
"Sorry I missed you, Old Boy. Stayed as late as I possibly could. Oh well, maybe next time as they say. Cheerio!"

What?! to myself I thought, ony 7:50 it is. Then at my watch I looked. Sure enough, that it was 9:50, Mickey's hands showed. Lie, Mickey's hands do not.

The one time his smiting appointment Dooku showed up for, and make it I did not! And Young Skywalker's fault it was!

Let this go unpunished, I could not. So something "special" I slipped into Young Skywalker's shampoo:

[scroll down you must]

"I ain't happy about this, yo."

Be so upset, Young Skywalker should not. Grow out in a month or two, it will.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Trial of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Continued from my last post this is.

Today Kenobi's trial was. Helping us, Senator Oragana was. His influence he used so that a quick trial Kenobi could get. Also, a lawyer he got for us.

"I've gotten you the absolute best attorney money can buy," he said, "This guy is really good."

Then in stepped this guy:

"Denny Crane"

All he kept saying that was. "Denny Crane, Denny Crane."

"So your plans to get Kenobi out of this, what are?"

"Denny Crane."

"Going to have him take the stand are you?"

"Denny Crane."

"All you have to say that is?"

"That's all I need, Soldier."

Then close to Senator Organa he leaned and muttered in a low tone, "The little green man. I need you to keep him away from me."

Confused Senator Organa looked, "You mean Master Yoda? He's the head of the Jedi Council!"

"Yes," Mr. Crane said, "I need you to keep him away from me. He's so... short. Little people, they creep me out, make me uncomfortable. Always have. Never liked them. Never will."

"Standing right here I am!" I said, "Hear you plainly I can!"

"See what I mean?" Mr. Crane said, "Creepy."

"Sure about this guy are you?" I asked Organa.

"I'm telling you, he wins every case!"

So our seats in the courtroom we took so that wait for the trial to begin we could. Next to Windu I sat. Still crying about last night's spraying incident he was.

"I can't believe she just disrespected me like that, man! I mean how could she reject me?! Couldn't she see how pretty I am?"

"Windu, get over it you must. Tired of hearing about this I am."

"She must have been threatened by my prettiness. That has to be it. That's the only explanation."

"Yes. Sure I am that nothing to do with your lame pick-up line it had."


"Shh. Going to start soon the trial is."

Sitting in front of us at the defense table, Senator Organa, Kenobi, and Denny Crane were.

To Senator Organa, Denny Crane whispered, "The little green man... He's not behind me, is he?"

"No, no, of course not," Organa said. Of course, behind him I was.

"Say," Kenobi asked, "what kind of chance do I got here? They ain't sendin' me to prison are they?"

"Son, two words that should put your mind at ease... Denny Crane."

"Don't worry, Master Kenobi," Organa said, "maybe we'll get a nice judge."

Just then, stand up, the bailiff made us.

"...or maybe not," Organa said.

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Judy."

"Don't worry," Denny Crane said, "She has the hots for me. I can tell."

"So," the judge started, "You're client is charged with assault and you've entered a plea of Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity. Is that correct?"

Startled by that, Kenobi was. "Hey now, wait just a minute..."

"Shut up!" the judge yelled at him, "I wasn't talking to you! Mr. Crane, what kind of crap is this?! You come in here with a plea and you haven't even consulted with your client?"

"Ignore him, Your Honor," Denny Crane said, "He's too stupid to participate in his own defense. ...Denny Crane."

"Fair enough."

First, his opening statement the prosecutor gave. Very persuasive he was. Ready to convict Kenobi I was by the time he was done.

Then, Denny Crane's turn it was.

"Denny Crane... Ladies and gentlemen, I will prove my client is stupid, too stupid to know what he was doing the night that this... robbery took place."

"Mr. Crane!" the judge yelled, "Your client is accused of assault, not robbery! Get it straight!"

"It's not important. What's important is that he was too stupid to know what he was doing. Besides, he's too stupid to know the difference between right and wrong. Stupid people. Never liked them. Never will. But that doesn't mean they don't deserve a fair trial. That's what my client deserves. A fair trial. Why? Because he's stupid. Dumb as a rock. Just look at him." For a second he paused, then, "...Denny Crane."

Next, his case the prosecutor presented. Lots of witnesses he called. Kenobi's little wrestling show that night, many people saw. Again, very persuasive the prosecutor was. Looking good for Kenobi it was not.

Then, Denny Crane's turn it was. "Your Honor, I call my client, Don Juan Baloney to the stand."

Getting red, Judge Judy's face was now. "Your client's name is not 'Don Juan Baloney'! I'm beginning to think he's not the stupid one!"

To laugh, people in the audience started.

"Shut up!" she yelled.

Finally, the stand Kenobi took.

The witness stand, Denny Crane approached. "Why don't you state your name for the record, Soldier?"

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. Some people call me Ben."

"Any aliases?"


"Other names. Ever use any other names?"

"Well, some people call me the Kenobinator. That's my wrasslin' name."

"You have any other... 'wrasslin' names?"

"Objection!" the prosecutor shouted, "What relevance does this have to these proceedings?"

"Easy, there, Sport. I'm just establishing my client's stupidity," Denny Crane said.

"I'll allow it," the judge said, then to Mr. Crane she turned. "But don't pull any crap! You hear me? I'm not going to stand for it!"

To me, Windu whispered, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"What he is trying to do, I think I see," I said, "Brilliant he is."

Back to Kenobi, Denny Crane turned. "So how about those other names, Slugger?"

"Well, let's see, there's Captain Cheeto, and Commander Obi-Licious, and Obi-One Hand, and Obi-Wan the Bearded Bomb, and Bubba the Barbarian, and Count Von Kickenbutt, and..."

"Think of those names yourself, Soldier?"


"You like wrestling, don't you, Sport?"


"Tell me. Wrestling - real or fake?"

"It's real, of course!"

"It's all real?"

"Sure it is! They wouldn't put nothin on TV that weren't real!"

"You watch a lot of TV, don't you? In fact, you recently saw a special about Koko the Gorilla, didn't you?"


"You wanted to raise money to help the gorilla, didn't you?"


"Bleeding hearts. Animal-rights activists. Liberals. Can't stand them. Never could. Tell me, why did you think this monkey needed your help?"

"Well, they was teachin it that there Sign Language, right? Well, I figured that poor monkey must be hard of hearin or sumthin. I mean, what're they teachin it Sign Language for if it ain't deaf? So I figured maybe I could raise enough money to get it a hearin aid or sumthin."

Heard from the audience, giggles could be.

"Shut up!" Judge Judy yelled again.

With his questioning, Denny Crane continued. "There's something in your beard. What is that?"

"A Cheeto."

"And why is it in your beard?"

"I'm savin it for later."

"You know, I have a Cheeto." Out of his pocket Denny Crane took a Cheeto. Grey it was. "It's been there in my pocket for a while. Kind of grey. There's lint on it. You want it?"

"I sure do! Let me have it!"



"Dance. You want this Cheeto. Do a dance for it."

Immediately, up Kenobi stood and dancing he started.

"Your Honor!" the prosecutor shouted.

"You!" at Kenobi the judge pointed. "Sit down! And you, Mr. Crane, I told you not to pull any crap in my courtroom!"

"Of course, Your Honor. Just one more question for the witness. Ernest Goes to Camp - what's your opinion?"

"That," Kenobi said, "is only the best movie ever made."

"I rest my case, Your Honor." Then to the jury he turned, "... Denny Crane."

Even more impressive his closing statement was. "Ladies and gentlemen, I've proven that my client is a moron. He's an idiot. Anyone can see that. He's got oatmeal for brains. And the law says if someone is too stupid to know what he was doing was wrong, he's not guilty. My client's too stupid to tie his own shoe laces. He's a ding-bat. That's why you have to find him Not Guilty. Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity. If he's an idgit, you must acquit." [Wait for it] "...Denny Crane."

For only five minutes the jury deliberated.

"I don't have five minutes!" Denny Crane yelled. "...Sorry, wrong show."

The jury, Judge Judy addressed, "So, have you dummies reached a verdict or what?"

"We have, Your Honor."

"Well, what is it already? This post has already gone on for way too long! Spit it out!"

"We, the jury, find the defendant Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity."

So relieved we were! Though, relieved and humiliated, Kenobi was. Sorry for him I started to feel. Then how inconvenient for me this whole thing was, I remembered. So in the shins I kicked him. Doofus!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Kenobi In Trouble

A phone call I got tonight. From Kenobi it was.

"Master? Uh, I'm in a little trouble."

"Kenobi? Where you are?"

"I'm in jail."

"What?! Doing what there you are?!"

"It ain't my fault! I swear! I was just in Sporty Sports Bar watchin' wrasslin on the TV there, and this one drunk feller started carryin' on about how wrasslin is fake and all. So I just thought, you know, I'd show him some wrasslin' moves just to prove it ain't fake. So all I did was body slam him and put him in a choke-hold and whatnot, that's all. Then the police come and they arrested me for assault! But I wasn't fightin' or nuthin', I swear!"

"Hold on, Kenobi. Be right there I will."

To the jail Windu and I rushed. Finally, the desk where bail they arrange, we found.

"Please," I asked the lady there, "what I have to do to get Kenobi out, tell me. Do anything I will. Pay anything I will. Like a son to me he is."

"That will be 12,000 credits."

"What?! Rot in there he can!"

"Yoda!" Windu said. "We can't just let him stay in there, man! That's not right!"

"How much money on you, have you?"

"I have 25 credits in my checking account."

"Good! Only 11,975 credits more we need!"

"Ok, ok. But what about the Order's petty cash account? We have enough there."

"Fine, but if to pay for Kenobi's bail we use the money, get that ice cream machine for the Temple cafeteria we can not."

"Ooh. Well, maybe you're right, man. I mean it won't hurt him to stay in jail for a night or two."

"Then agreed we are."

"Wait! It just occurred to me, the person behind the desk is female!"


"Well, look at me, man! They haven't made a woman who can resist the Mace Windu prettiness! All I have to do..."

"No, Windu. Whatever thinking you are, no."

"Nah, it'll be fine! You'll see! I'll just work my charms around her and she will be puddy in my hands, man! Just watch."

Turn out well this can not, to myself I thought.

Up to the desk he sauntered. Then, on it he leaned. "So," Windu said to the lady, "how about I take you out and let you sample some Mace Windu sweetness?"

At him she smiled. "Come closer, baby."

Back at me Windu looked and winked. Then closer he leaned.

"So," the lady asked, "what did you say your name was? Mace, was it? How appropriate."

Then this little spray bottle she whipped out and directly into Windu's face she sprayed.

"Aaaaaaaah!!!!" Windu yelled, "Aaaaah! MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!"

Great. Kenobi in jail, and now a screaming Windu on my hands I had.

Tomorrow - The Trial of Obi-Wan Kenobi


His 100th post, Jar Jar has done! Good job, Jar Jar!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Point of Truth

A point there comes during every Youngling's training when an important realization he or she comes to. Today, for the entire class this point came. An important truth they all realized.

"Hey, Master Yoda, I'm taller than you now!"

I hate it when this point comes. "Yes, yes. Getting so big you are. Proud you must be. Get on with your lesson now we must..."

"Hey, I'm taller than you, too, Master Yoda!"

"Ok, good for you that is. Much to accomplish before recess we have..."

"Master Yoda! Um, can I stand back-to-back with you? I wanna see how much taller than you I am!"

"No, time for that we have not..."

"Master Yoda, are you so short 'cause you're so old? 'Cause my grandma is really old and she said she shrunk a lot of inches. And she did, 'cause she's really really short. But not as short as you, though, Master Yoda."

"A nice story that was. This height, all of my people are. Now, get back let us to..."

"Did you smoke a lot? 'Cause I heard that will, uh, stub your growth."

"Smoke I do not. The normal height for my species I am. Time to concentrate it is..."

"Is it because you're an alcaholic? 'Cause lots of beer will make you short too.

"An alcoholic I am not! Put such an idea in your head who did?"

"Master Yoda! Master Yoda! Um, did you work in the circus before you became a Jedi? 'Cause my Dad took me to the circus this one time, and, um, there was this sideshow and like all these little people and there was a lady with a beard too, and a real fat lady, and anyways they had a bunch of really short people like you. So I was wondering if you were in the circus before."

"No. Worked for the circus I did not."

"How come? Didn't you like the circus, Master Yoda?"

"Never worked for the circus I have!"

"Did they make you clean up after the elephants?"

"Listen! Never worked for the circus I have! Now, back to the lesson..."

"Master Yoda, are you the shortest person who ever lived?"

"Ok, enough that is. Want me to ground you, do you? Ready for more time-outs are you?"

Quiet for a little while that made them. A vacation I need.

Voted overwhelmingly for updating my "Greatest Hits" post you have. (Like to thank everyone who participated I would) So update it I will. A few days from now, present you with another big poll where choose your favorite from the last 100 posts you can.

As for you people who for the third choice voted, see it you cannot but mooning you I am. Right that is. Sticking my naked green tushy in your direction I am. A comedian my Stupid Intern thinks he is since in there he put that question. In a few minutes, be laughing he will not.

Monday, November 14, 2005

200th Post: Pay For the Pay Per View He Must

Almost lost my voice I have. Hoarse I am from yelling at Kenobi all day. Selfish of him to make me yell at him like that it is. No thought he gives to how affect my throat it will.

The bill from the cable company I got today. Six hundred credits in pay-per-view charges there were! Of course, to deny that his fault it was he tried.

"There ain't no way you can prove it was me who run up them there charges!"

"Kenobi, watch eighteen hours straight of Wrestlemania no one else here can! Get the money to pay for this from where, will we?! Going to earn these six hundred credits you are!"

"How am I s'posed to do that?"

"An idea I have."

[Scroll down you must]

"Keep dancing, Kenobi. No money in the hat there is yet."

Whining the whole time Kenobi was. "Why do I have to do the dancin'? Why cain't you do some?"

"Because the organ grinder I am. The monkey you are."

Very profitable, street performing is not. Twelve hours I had Kenobi dance. Only six credits we earned. Maybe earn more tomorrow we will.


A question for you I have. The 2ooth post this is. After the first 100th post, the top 10 posts you readers chose. Listed on the right under "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits", they are.

This, my question is - Update the list or leave it the way it is, should I? Vote below you can.

Update My Greatest Hits List Should I?
No. Leave it the way it is.
What's it matter? Your whole blog stinks anyway.

Free polls from

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Easy Being Green It Is Not

Easy being green it is not. On the green grass of the golf course, see me no one can. Always being hit by golf balls I am. That is why play golf I do not.

Even play mini-golf I can not. That I am part of the course, people think. "Oh, I think we're supposed to hit the ball under that ugly little green monkey."

Hear that only so many times you can before your self-esteem it starts to affect.

Listen to anymore comparisons to Kermit the Frog, I can not. Sure, a talented frog he is. But make-believe he is too. Just a piece of felt with some eyes attached he is. But real I am. Tell the difference you cannot?

But something worse that that there is about being green. Whenever guacamole I eat, get some on my face I will. But warn me no one will because see it on my face they do not! The other day, through an entire meeting with the Chancellor I sat before the guacamole I noticed. Finally, at the end he said, "Oh by the way, Master Yoda, are you saving that for later?

So condescending he is. But afford to be he can. Green he is not.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Something Disturbing In Young Skywalker's Future

Conerned about Young Skywalker I was. Meditating late last night I was when something disturbing I saw. Something in Young Skywalker's future it was.

Of course, always in motion the future is. Rely on these visions you can not.

Still, very disturbing it was. In his future, a choice I saw Young Skywalker make. The wrong choice it was. Much he suffered because of it. Much others suffered because of it.

To prevent this I had to. Let him make this mistake I could not. So into his room I ran. Sleeping he was. As usual, snoring very loudly he was too. So his nose I pinched closed so that wake up he would.

"Snort. GACK. Huh? What the - ? Yo, G, what you do that for? I was all in my REM cycle and spit."

"Young Skywalker, something important I must tell you. About your future it is. A bad choice you will make."

"It's like 3 o'clock in the mornizzy, Y-Dawg. Can't it wait, yo?"

"No! Tell you this now I must. A bad choice you will be tempted to make. But make it you must not! Eat the last piece of pecan pie in the fridge you must not! Mine it is! Much wedgie pain you will suffer if the choice to eat it you make!"

Glad I am that prevent this I could. A close one that was.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Overgrown Youngling

A party the Younglings and I had today. Cake and ice cream there was. Sure that such a good idea that was, I am not. Need any more energy they do not!

Anyway, a game I had them play. A lot of fun they had. A picture I took:

Eventually, the pinata they busted and to the floor all the candy fell. Of course, to grab as much as they could they rushed.

But then a certain Youngling I noticed rushing for the candy. An awfully big Youngling he seemed to be:

"Kenobi!" I yelled, "Stop that! For the Younglings that candy is!"

"Aw, I just want a couple of Tootsie Pops! C'mon!"

"Kenobi, a grown man you are supposed to be. Put the candy back and act like a grown-up you will."

His feet he stomped. "You never let me do nuthin fun!"

A time-out I made him take. To sit in the corner facing the wall I made him. Have to learn some way he will.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Thirsty I Am

Kind of thirsty I am. Dry my tongue is. Parched my mouth is. No Diet Pepsi in the fridge there was. Out of Dagobahsani bottled water we were. Drink Coruscant tap water I will not. Too much chlorine it has.

Share any of his Old Mos Eisley with me, Kenobi will not. A whole case of it he has.

"Kenobi," I said, "a beer give me. Thirsty I am."

"I only got a case! That'll just git me through the mornin'! I don't got none I can spare!"

Normally, forced him to give me some at this point I would have, but every can he promptly licked before do anything I could. If he enjoyed the beer, I wonder. That it was worth the pain from the Force-wedgie I gave him, I hope.

Wait, a jar of pickles in the fridge there is. Plenty of juice left in the jar there is. Solved my problem is.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Lost in Doofusland

Watching Lost with Kenobi I was. Every week together we watch it. Driving me crazy he is.

"So now, which one of them fellers is supposed to be Gilligan?"

"Another show that is. On this show Gilligan is not."

"Too bad. That Gilligan feller is funny."

"Ok, just watch the show let us. An important part this may be."

"So how come they found that there polar bear that one time?"

"Know I do not."

"So what do them numbers they keep punchin into to that computer mean?"

"Know I do not."

"Well, what'll happen if they don't push that there button?"

"Know I do not."

"So who are them 'Others' they keep talkin about?"

"Know I do not."

"So why did them 'Others' take the little boy?"

"Know I do not."

"Why does that there blonde girl keep seein the little boy all spooky-like?"

"Kenobi! Seen as much of this as I have, you have. Know any more than you do, I do not!"

"Oh. Ok."




"So who built the hatch?"

Get a TV to put in my room, I must.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Exfoliate I Will Not

Wear hats I do not. A reason for that there is. To breathe, my head needs. Breathe it can not when under a hat it is. Besides, big and goofy, hats make my head look.

But, since fallen out my hair has, hard on my scalp the sun is. To flake off, my skin has started. Fun that is not. All blotchy, my head is too.

So now, after me to take better care of my head, Windu is. A pain that is. Take up a "skin care regimen" I will not!

Understand this, Windu does not. "Just think, Yoda! We could be skin care buddies! We could sit up exfoliating, telling stories, talking about girls, gossiping. It'll be so much fun!"

A poster-child for birth control, Windu is. Be his 'skin care buddy' I will not! Where he comes up with this stuff I know not. Nuttier than than a buffet table at a squirrel convention he is.

So now have to wear a hat to protect my scalp, I will. The only way to stop Windu from talking about exfoliating my head, it is.

Still, pretty rediculous I feel.

Monday, November 07, 2005

McBurgerland Blues

Today, into a McBurgerland I stopped for a cup of coffee. (Go to McDooku's I will not, because owned by You-Know-Whoku it is). Every time that to one of these places I go, a little more faith in teenagers I lose. Surely some smart teenagers there are. Only hire dumb ones, why does McBurgerland?

"Welcome to McBurgerland. Can I take your order?"

"Yes, a large cup of coffee I would like, please. Forget the senior's discount do not."

"Will that be for here, or to go?"

"No, only a cup of coffee I wanted."

"I know. Is that for here or to go?"

"Why? Make what difference does it? Going to put wheels on the bottom of the cup if to go it is, are you?"

Wasted energy, a conversation like this is. Like playing ping pong with someone who has no arms it is. Yes, beat him easily you can. But quickly get frustrated and want to quit he will.

Still, arguing with these doofuses often, I find myself. But usually because my order they get wrong. Bad that is. Important my cheeseburger is. Mess with my cheeseburger, do not. Get it right, you must.

"Excuse me, for no onions on this I asked."

"You said you wanted onions."

"No, I said, 'No onions on the cheeseburger I would like.'"

"See, you said you would like onions on the cheeseburger."

"No, I said, 'NO onions on the cheeseburger I would like.'"

"So are you trying to change your order or something? Because, like, I..."

"No, trying to get you to get my order right, I am."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Onions on my cheeseburger there are!"

"You don't want onions on your cheeseburger?"

"No, want onions on my cheeseburger I do not."

"Well, sir, if you could just make up your mind..."

Needless to say, getting a little annoyed I was.


Sunday, November 06, 2005

Bob the Bantha

Win Survivor Tatooine I did not. Disappointed am I, you ask? For fourteen weeks, surrounded by doofuses I was. Eat bugs, live inside a sandworm carcass, live with Dooku though allowed to smite him down I was not, and do That Which Speak of Ever Again We Whall Not, I had to. Disappointed am I? Disappointed am I?!! Think, what do you? Hmm?

Win any consolation prizes did I? Yes, a T-shirt they gave me. "Survivor Marquesas Tatoine" it said on it. It looked like a marker someone took and through the word "Marquesas" they marked through. And then, "Tatoine" they wrote. Even spell "Tatooine" right they did not. JJ said a good deal they got on the shirts. Surprised I am not.

One other "consolation prize" I got. Bob the Bantha its name is. Actually, a prize he is not. This bantha the show's producers dumped on me. A blind bantha with a gas problem it is. If the word "pickle" you say, make the most toxic, stinkiest "windy" that ever smelled you have, it will. Related to his nervous problem, it is. Yes, an anxiety problem this bantha has. If to ride him you try, buck you off and run away (most likely into something) he will. If read how Bob and I met you have not, read it you must.

Left it on Tatooine I would have, but bonded with me it has. That its mother or something I am, it thinks. Stopped following me around, Bob would not.

But have any place for a bantha I do not! So a bunch of straw I laid down in a good secluded spot in the Temple parking garage. Actually, Windu's parking spot it was. Inconvenience Windu this will. But a sacrifice I am willing to make, that is. Yes, messy it would get. But what Younglings are for, that is. Also, a hundred pounds of Purina Brand Bantha Chow, I bought. Go through Bantha Chow like going out of style it is, Bob can. A nice big blanket I put down for him, and plenty of water I made sure he had. All comfy and set for the night he was, so up to my room I went so that finally get a good night's sleep I could.

So tired I was. Quickly off to sleep I drifted. About Dolly I started dreaming again.

"Dolly, get so matted and mangy, when did your hair? Sniff Sniff Smell like a bantha, why do you?"

My eyes I opened. Laying right up against me, Bob was. How the elevator Bob figured out or even fit in, especially since blind he is, I know not. Even know how fit through my door he had, I did not. But somehow up to my room he had made it. Unbearable this was, going to sleep in my room he was not! So to get him out I tried. Pushing him I tried. Pulling him I tried. Pleading with him I tried. Luring him out with Scooby Snacks I tried. Budge he would not!

Suddenly, Windu I heard from just outside my room say, "Hey, Yoda. I keep forgetting what's in that concoction you make us drink. Let's see, there's juiced turnips, womprat liver, hotsauce, and... oh I remember now! It's that juice you find in a jar of..."

Like one of those slow-motion re-enactments it was. "Nooooooooo!" I yelled out. Too late it was. Already out of Windu's mouth, the word "pickles" came.

"Wuaaarrrrr!!!!" Phlllllllbbbbbbtt!

When consciousness I regained, see I could that melted off the walls, all of my wallpaper had.

Coughing, Windu was, "Oh my *cough* god! I think I just saw my *cough* life flash before my eyes (and my head looked awfully good). And what has this done to my skin?! My beautiful skin! Aw man, now I have to burn my clothes and take a shower with a Brillo pad."

He thinks that rough he has it! Approve my room for use again, the Hazmat team will not. They say another month they might need.

In spite of all this, to the vet I took Bob. To have him checked out I wanted. Also to get him "fixed" I wanted. It turns out, already fixed, Bob is. Hmm, know that Bob is bobbed, I did not. Bad news is, Prozac the doctor prescribed Bob for his nerves. Mash it up in his food I must. The good news is, if enough Prozac I give Bob, let himself be ridden he will. So now, rides to the younglings of tourists who visit the Jedi Temple, I offer. Only four credits a ride it is. Hey, pay for the Prozac and Bantha Chow somehow I have to.

So now, a blind, farty, anxious bantha on Prozac I have. And lay down beside him at night until asleep he falls, I have to. Like being a pet-owner I do not!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Too Loud His Music Is

To yell at Young Skywalker last night I had to. "Young Skywalker, turn down your music you must!"

A smart-alec he decided to be. "If it's too loud, then you too old, G. 'Sides, Vanilla Ice was meant to be played way hip-hop loud, yo."

"Look, care who it is I do not - Vanilla Ice Cream, Six Pac Shakur, Snoopy Dog, 50 Percent, Lil' Wow Wow, or that M & M's guy, turn it down you will!"

"Yo, chill. It's just music, yo."

"Make me come in there, do not!"

"Cain't hear you, Y-Dawg." Then the music he turned up.

The wrong answer, that was. Into his room I went. Turn out pleasant it did not. Just say let us that take a while for Young Skywalker to unwire himself from his stereo system it will.

Friday, November 04, 2005

In a Snit Windu Is

In a snit Windu is, because to his Pretty Man March none of us went. (Mentioned yesterday's guest post, it was.) Gone I would have, but no rotten vegetables or eggs I had. Thrown what at Windu would I? To explain this to Windu I tried. But for some strange reason, only worse it seemed to make it. So unreasonable he is.

Now, talking to any of us here at the Temple he is not. In other words, a great day I had. Last for another three days or so it will. Then want to make up and "confront our issues" he will. Looking forward to that I am not. Fond of all the hugging that will happen I am not. Maybe encourage him to hold another big event that show up to I will not, I can.

A mystery that no one received his fliers, it is not. Kenobi he put in charge of sending them out. If stamps half of them had, amazed I would be. To put his pants on before his shoes, Kenobi needs to be reminded.

Still, surprised I am that show up to here Windu's speeches more people did not. Lots of people who would show up to see public hangings, train wrecks, and circus sideshows, there are. The same thing this would be. I guess that nowadays, valued that much anymore morbid curiousity is not.

Finally! Announced on Survivor:Tatooine, the winner has been. Win did I? Or win, did Qui-Gon? Know do you? Hmm?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Million Pretty Man March]

I am mad at you people. I am mad, hurt, upset, mortified, and transmogrified. I have been ignored, betrayed, put upon, spat upon, and sat upon. You don't know what I'm talking about do you? You know, that just makes it hurt even more.

Here's the deal. I have been planning this Million Pretty Man March on Coruscant for an entire year. Don't tell me you didn't hear about it. I sent each of you twenty different fliers. I know you had to get at least one. But if you want to make me jump through hoops for you, that's OK. I'll tell you what this event was going to be about.

It was going to be glorious. Picture it - a million or more men who aren't afraid to proclaim their own prettiness in one unified voice to the entire galaxy converging on the Senate Lawn in a show of transendantly beautiful solidarity. There were going to be speeches - that's right, we were going to speechify upon our prettiness. I made up signs and everything. There were going to be balloons and streamers and confetti. It was going to be the one event that would bring the important issues of skin care and head shininess to people's attention. Just think of all those shiny heads glistening at once! How could the world ignore that?

But a million men didn't show up. You know how many people showed up? Three. And that's counting me and the elderly couple who had come just to feed the squirrels. But they had the decency to listen to my speeches, or at least the first three speeches. They ran out of peanuts after that.

But even though you don't deserve it, I'm going to bestow upon you the privelege of reading my keynote address. That's right, here are my speech notes from the main speech of the day, delivered by the keynote speaker of the event - me.

Million Pretty Man March
Keynote Address

I Am A Man
by Mace Windu

As the Sun rises on a new day
and shines upon my beautiful scalp,
exposing my prettiness to the world once more,
I face the day.
I face the Sun.
And I say to both
"I Am A Man"

[Pause for thunderous applause.]

[This might take a few minutes.]

[Continue once the applause has died down to a mild roar.]

I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see a sea of prettiness.
I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see an ocean of head-shininess.
I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see an army of manly men,
manly men who aren't afraid of their own prettiness.
I look upon you, my beautified brethern,
and I see my pretty comrades,
my pretty comrades who aren't afraid to say with me,
I Am A Man.

[Don't forget to wait for applause.]

For many of us, we may be prettier
than our wives or girlfriends.
We know that is not to be feared.
Co-workers and classmates
may be threatened by our beauty.
We are not deterred.
Other men, in their jealousy
may mock or ridicule us.
We are not afraid.
We do not shy away from our prettiness
because of such transitory considerations.
We do not shy away from our prettiness
because we are strong -
strong in our prettiness.
Our prettiness is our strength.
Our strength is our prettiness.
And when some may try
to deny us our right to our own prettiness,
we face them.
We stand strong against those
who oppose our prettiness.
And with one voice we tell them,
"You shall not deny me my prettiness.
You shall not deny me my beauty.
You shall not deny me the fruitage of my skin regimen.
No, not now, not tomorrow,
not next week, not next month,
not next year,
not any time, because
I Am A Man."
And a pretty one, at that.

[If the crowd applauds for longer than 20 minutes, signal for them to quiet down so that the next speaker can be introduced.]

I hope you people see what you missed! I spoke for eight hours delivering speeches much like that, and you missed it. I thought you would join me in my pretty man revolution. But I guess not.

Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. Personally, I don't see why he bothers.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Short I Am Not

Short, Kenobi calls me. Short I am not! Officially, in the Republic, according to the average height for all sentient beings, considered short, anyone 2' 1'' or below is. Well, 2' 2" I am! So short I am not! (Of course, some say skewed the average is because included in the mix, my people, Ewoks, and Jawas are. But my fault that is not.)

Besides, among my people, considered tall I am. No, true it is! Stop laughing, Young Skywalker! Always pressured to be on the basketball team in school I was. Always asking me, "Up there, the weather how is?" my friends were. Too original my friends were not.

But considered so tall in the rest of the Galaxy I am not. Getting tired of the short jokes, I am. A credit I wish I had for every time someone said to me, "Yoda, stand up you should. Oh, sorry I am. Standing up you are!" Then, laugh hysterically at themselves they will, like the first person ever to say that, they are. Doofuses.

Walk through the park without some youngling trying to take me home, I can not. "But I'll take good care of him! I promise I'll feed him every day!" they tell their parents.

"Get away from it!" their parents say. "You don't know what it's rolled around in!"

Usually, the Force-wedgie Family Combo I bestow upon them at that point.


Forget the contest, do not. A new template for my blog, I had my Stupid Intern build. But look right in Internet Explorer it does not!

Fine in Mozilla Firefox it looks. But too big the font looks when viewed in Internet Explorer.

Also, show up on the permalink for each post page, the comments do not.

See the template here you can.

So, if track down one or both of these bugs and tell me how to fix them you can, win the usual crappy prizes you will (an autographed picture and Gmail invite).

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Lego Crisis

Walking towards the kitchen I was. Then on something sharp I stepped.

"Ow!" I said, "Hey, this Lego on the floor who left? Kenobi! Your Lego this is?"

"No, Master. Them things is too complicated for me."

Just then, out of the kitchen, smoke started pouring. Then right after that, Harvey the Youngling came running. Crying he was, "I didn't mean to do it! It was an accident!"

Quickly, the extinguisher droids came. In seconds, out the fire was.

"Harvey," I said, "calm down you must. How the fire started tell me. Alright it will be."

Still crying and sobbing loudly he was. "Well, I made this *sob* sculpture out of Legos that looked like a *sob* bologna and cheese sandwich and I used red Legos for the bologna *sob* 'cause they don't make pink Legos and so I decided to use the *sob* red ones 'cause some times I forget to take the little *sob* red strips off when I make bologna sandwiches but I *sob* eat it anyway even though the medical droid tells me not to and I used yellow Legos for the *sob* cheese and, and..." Starting to hyperventilate he was.

"OK it is, Harvey. Slow, deep breaths take. A good boy that is. Ok, now tell Yoda, to do with the fire what that has."

"Well, I put my sandwich sculpture in the microwave."

"Do that, why did you?"

"'Cause I wanted the cheese to look melted."

"Get an idea like that where did you? Wait, tell me not."

Towards Kenobi I turned, but already running away he was. Run he can, but escape my Force-wedgie he can not.