Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Windu's Turn to Cook

Windu's turn to make dinner tonight it was. Never good this turns out. And the same "Kiss the Cook" apron he always wears. No takers he ever gets on that, by the way.

"Man," Young Skywalker said, "I'm starvin yo! For serious! Hook me up with some of that roast beef, Master W."

A big bite he took. Then quickly out he spit it. "What is this crap, yo?"

"It's Tofurky Loaf!" Windu said, as if proud he was. "We also have wheat-free, gluten-free macaronis covered with Tofutti cheese. And we have raw organic spinach - that means it wasn't fertilized by chemicals, no sir! They used real manure, man! Of course, for desert we have unflavored flan covered with non-dairy soy whipped cream! Mmm-mmm! And you can wash it all down with a big old class of ice-cold, refreshing lactose-free rice milk. Yes, sir! We're going to be eating like kings tonight!"

Just then, square in the face, a glob of Tofurkey hit Windu. Thrown it, Kenobi had.

"What you servin us all this here healthy food for? You tryin to kill us or somethin?"

"Now just a minute!" Amused, Windu was not. "I worked real hard cooking this..."

"Windu," I said, "work for you, an all-Tofurkey diet may. But to the rest of us, a form of torture it is."

"You don't understand, man!" he said, "I am trying to make you people healthier! You need to eat to live, instead of living to eat! Look, my body is a temple. I don't put garbage in the temple of Windu, you understand? Garbage in, garbage out. You don't see garbage coming out of this temple!"

"And see it, we had better not. Listen, Windu..."

"Don't you want to feel good? Don't you want to look good? Look at me! You don't get this pretty eating greasy fatty foods with all those evil preservatives. No sir! Clean out that colon! Make it all shiny and pink! That's right, make your colon pretty! You can't be truly pretty until your colon is pretty. You'll live a longer life, a better life, a Windu life."

"Windu," I said, "lived almost 900 years I have. Already gone into overtime, my life has. Want to waste what precious time I have left on Tofutti I do not."

"What about you, Anakin? Don't you want to live a longer, healthier, prettier, Windu-ier life?"

"Not if I got to eat this crap, yo. I'd rather stick my head in a tank full of piranha. For serious. 'Sides, I got the illin good looks already, yo."

Getting frustrated, Windu was. Throbbing, that big vein in his forehead was. "Can't you people sit down and eat just one meal that isn't contaminated with preservatives, artificial sweetners, and fats? Can't you just enjoy the pure goodness that nature has to offer? Can't you... Obi-wan! What the heck are you doing?"

"This stuff ain't half bad if you spread a whole buncha Cheez Whiz on it! I got the rest of the Tofurkey in the deep-fryer. I rolled it in a beer batter. Can't wait to see how that turns out."

At Kenobi, Windu just stared. "Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable." Then out he stormed.

"Finally!" I said. "Now order pizza we can. Pizza Hutt coupons I have and Two-for Tuesday it is."

Comments on "Windu's Turn to Cook"


Blogger pastamasta said ... (8:45 AM) : 

Aargh. You have my sympathies. An ex of mine once Force-fed me nut roast, lentil and gluten-free pasta bake, and Quorn salad for 3 months before I came to my senses. Now my idea of a perfect meal is battered cod with salt and vinegar, a big pile of fluffy chips and a pickled onion. Mmm... that's real food.


Blogger Repto_banzaar said ... (10:14 AM) : 

This reminds me extremely of the 'Everybody Loves Raymond' episode I watched last night... >.>

Yeah, same theme me thinks of course. Why live longer when you're miserable? XD


Blogger JawaJuice said ... (11:04 AM) : 

Sooo...I take it you don't want me to bring over the fresh baked brownies?


Blogger flu said ... (11:05 AM) : 

Y'all shoulda wrapped that Tofurkey in bacon strips before you beer battered and deep fried it.


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (11:10 AM) : 

Oh man, bacon.

A Windu-ier life, lol.


Blogger Private Hudson said ... (11:11 AM) : 

I've got space rations, you want some? I love the Turducken loaf.


Blogger Serra said ... (12:01 PM) : 

Inject that Tofurkey with some lard and butter before you deep-fry it too.


Blogger Son Goku said ... (12:36 PM) : 

ewwwwwww! I can't believe it Windu found food even I won't eat.


Anonymous wedge antillies said ... (1:21 PM) : 

You may all make fun, but until you have eaten the space-rations that the Republic provides to us when we do training on some forsaken planet or moon, don't turn your nose up at hot food. But, while your at it, have Kenobi deep fry soem tweenkies for dessert.


Blogger Jason said ... (1:35 PM) : 

Ehhh I dont need to worry about space rations. I have some *cough* connections in various corners of the galaxy and every forsaken moon there is, just incase I'm stuck there.


Blogger Solomon said ... (3:55 PM) : 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Blogger Mace Windu said ... (5:54 PM) : 

"No takers he ever gets on that"

Wanna bet? I dont even have to wear an apron to get one from ShaakTi.


Blogger Professor Xavier said ... (7:17 PM) : 

Well, I have to say, Windu does make one good point. When meeting someone new, a person will make an assessment within the first 10 seconds based purely on superficial impressions. To therefore make a good first impression, it is absolutely vital to have a pretty colon.


Blogger Anakin Skywalker said ... (12:11 AM) : 

Seriously, Master Y. We never let that whacked-out freak cook again, a'ight?


Anonymous 2nd Padawan from the Right said ... (12:12 AM) : 

We, the Loyal Padawan, must agree with you Master Yoda that just eating the Pizza Hut coupons would have been better then yaking down some of Master Windu's Tofurkey! Being Younglings we are less concerned about keeping our colons sparkling clean and more concerned with just learning to control them through a full day of Padawan Training. We did try to get Harvey to use "Pull-Ups" but we could not convince him to ever "Pull-Down" in time.

As for Master Windu, young Skywalker told us that he was "Anal Retentive". We have to admire the colon conditioning that must take ... Sir!


Blogger Kathy said ... (10:25 AM) : 

I have three little "Padawans" of my own, ages 9, 8 and 5. They love all the Star Wars but I can hardly watch them without the giggles anymore. Everytime Windu shows up I finish all his lines with "because I am so pret-ty." This blog is a hoot.


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