Windu's Turn to Cook
|Windu's turn to make dinner tonight it was. Never good this turns out. And the same "Kiss the Cook" apron he always wears. No takers he ever gets on that, by the way.|
"Man," Young Skywalker said, "I'm starvin yo! For serious! Hook me up with some of that roast beef, Master W."
A big bite he took. Then quickly out he spit it. "What is this crap, yo?"
"It's Tofurky Loaf!" Windu said, as if proud he was. "We also have wheat-free, gluten-free macaronis covered with Tofutti cheese. And we have raw organic spinach - that means it wasn't fertilized by chemicals, no sir! They used real manure, man! Of course, for desert we have unflavored flan covered with non-dairy soy whipped cream! Mmm-mmm! And you can wash it all down with a big old class of ice-cold, refreshing lactose-free rice milk. Yes, sir! We're going to be eating like kings tonight!"
Just then, square in the face, a glob of Tofurkey hit Windu. Thrown it, Kenobi had.
"What you servin us all this here healthy food for? You tryin to kill us or somethin?"
"Now just a minute!" Amused, Windu was not. "I worked real hard cooking this..."
"Windu," I said, "work for you, an all-Tofurkey diet may. But to the rest of us, a form of torture it is."
"You don't understand, man!" he said, "I am trying to make you people healthier! You need to eat to live, instead of living to eat! Look, my body is a temple. I don't put garbage in the temple of Windu, you understand? Garbage in, garbage out. You don't see garbage coming out of this temple!"
"And see it, we had better not. Listen, Windu..."
"Don't you want to feel good? Don't you want to look good? Look at me! You don't get this pretty eating greasy fatty foods with all those evil preservatives. No sir! Clean out that colon! Make it all shiny and pink! That's right, make your colon pretty! You can't be truly pretty until your colon is pretty. You'll live a longer life, a better life, a Windu life."
"Windu," I said, "lived almost 900 years I have. Already gone into overtime, my life has. Want to waste what precious time I have left on Tofutti I do not."
"What about you, Anakin? Don't you want to live a longer, healthier, prettier, Windu-ier life?"
"Not if I got to eat this crap, yo. I'd rather stick my head in a tank full of piranha. For serious. 'Sides, I got the illin good looks already, yo."
Getting frustrated, Windu was. Throbbing, that big vein in his forehead was. "Can't you people sit down and eat just one meal that isn't contaminated with preservatives, artificial sweetners, and fats? Can't you just enjoy the pure goodness that nature has to offer? Can't you... Obi-wan! What the heck are you doing?"
"This stuff ain't half bad if you spread a whole buncha Cheez Whiz on it! I got the rest of the Tofurkey in the deep-fryer. I rolled it in a beer batter. Can't wait to see how that turns out."
At Kenobi, Windu just stared. "Unbelievable, man. Unbelievable." Then out he stormed.
"Finally!" I said. "Now order pizza we can. Pizza Hutt coupons I have and Two-for Tuesday it is."