Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Trial of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Continued from my last post this is.

Today Kenobi's trial was. Helping us, Senator Oragana was. His influence he used so that a quick trial Kenobi could get. Also, a lawyer he got for us.

"I've gotten you the absolute best attorney money can buy," he said, "This guy is really good."

Then in stepped this guy:

"Denny Crane"

All he kept saying that was. "Denny Crane, Denny Crane."

"So your plans to get Kenobi out of this, what are?"

"Denny Crane."

"Going to have him take the stand are you?"

"Denny Crane."

"All you have to say that is?"

"That's all I need, Soldier."

Then close to Senator Organa he leaned and muttered in a low tone, "The little green man. I need you to keep him away from me."

Confused Senator Organa looked, "You mean Master Yoda? He's the head of the Jedi Council!"

"Yes," Mr. Crane said, "I need you to keep him away from me. He's so... short. Little people, they creep me out, make me uncomfortable. Always have. Never liked them. Never will."

"Standing right here I am!" I said, "Hear you plainly I can!"

"See what I mean?" Mr. Crane said, "Creepy."

"Sure about this guy are you?" I asked Organa.

"I'm telling you, he wins every case!"

So our seats in the courtroom we took so that wait for the trial to begin we could. Next to Windu I sat. Still crying about last night's spraying incident he was.

"I can't believe she just disrespected me like that, man! I mean how could she reject me?! Couldn't she see how pretty I am?"

"Windu, get over it you must. Tired of hearing about this I am."

"She must have been threatened by my prettiness. That has to be it. That's the only explanation."

"Yes. Sure I am that nothing to do with your lame pick-up line it had."


"Shh. Going to start soon the trial is."

Sitting in front of us at the defense table, Senator Organa, Kenobi, and Denny Crane were.

To Senator Organa, Denny Crane whispered, "The little green man... He's not behind me, is he?"

"No, no, of course not," Organa said. Of course, behind him I was.

"Say," Kenobi asked, "what kind of chance do I got here? They ain't sendin' me to prison are they?"

"Son, two words that should put your mind at ease... Denny Crane."

"Don't worry, Master Kenobi," Organa said, "maybe we'll get a nice judge."

Just then, stand up, the bailiff made us.

"...or maybe not," Organa said.

"All rise for the Honorable Judge Judy."

"Don't worry," Denny Crane said, "She has the hots for me. I can tell."

"So," the judge started, "You're client is charged with assault and you've entered a plea of Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity. Is that correct?"

Startled by that, Kenobi was. "Hey now, wait just a minute..."

"Shut up!" the judge yelled at him, "I wasn't talking to you! Mr. Crane, what kind of crap is this?! You come in here with a plea and you haven't even consulted with your client?"

"Ignore him, Your Honor," Denny Crane said, "He's too stupid to participate in his own defense. ...Denny Crane."

"Fair enough."

First, his opening statement the prosecutor gave. Very persuasive he was. Ready to convict Kenobi I was by the time he was done.

Then, Denny Crane's turn it was.

"Denny Crane... Ladies and gentlemen, I will prove my client is stupid, too stupid to know what he was doing the night that this... robbery took place."

"Mr. Crane!" the judge yelled, "Your client is accused of assault, not robbery! Get it straight!"

"It's not important. What's important is that he was too stupid to know what he was doing. Besides, he's too stupid to know the difference between right and wrong. Stupid people. Never liked them. Never will. But that doesn't mean they don't deserve a fair trial. That's what my client deserves. A fair trial. Why? Because he's stupid. Dumb as a rock. Just look at him." For a second he paused, then, "...Denny Crane."

Next, his case the prosecutor presented. Lots of witnesses he called. Kenobi's little wrestling show that night, many people saw. Again, very persuasive the prosecutor was. Looking good for Kenobi it was not.

Then, Denny Crane's turn it was. "Your Honor, I call my client, Don Juan Baloney to the stand."

Getting red, Judge Judy's face was now. "Your client's name is not 'Don Juan Baloney'! I'm beginning to think he's not the stupid one!"

To laugh, people in the audience started.

"Shut up!" she yelled.

Finally, the stand Kenobi took.

The witness stand, Denny Crane approached. "Why don't you state your name for the record, Soldier?"

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. Some people call me Ben."

"Any aliases?"


"Other names. Ever use any other names?"

"Well, some people call me the Kenobinator. That's my wrasslin' name."

"You have any other... 'wrasslin' names?"

"Objection!" the prosecutor shouted, "What relevance does this have to these proceedings?"

"Easy, there, Sport. I'm just establishing my client's stupidity," Denny Crane said.

"I'll allow it," the judge said, then to Mr. Crane she turned. "But don't pull any crap! You hear me? I'm not going to stand for it!"

To me, Windu whispered, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"What he is trying to do, I think I see," I said, "Brilliant he is."

Back to Kenobi, Denny Crane turned. "So how about those other names, Slugger?"

"Well, let's see, there's Captain Cheeto, and Commander Obi-Licious, and Obi-One Hand, and Obi-Wan the Bearded Bomb, and Bubba the Barbarian, and Count Von Kickenbutt, and..."

"Think of those names yourself, Soldier?"


"You like wrestling, don't you, Sport?"


"Tell me. Wrestling - real or fake?"

"It's real, of course!"

"It's all real?"

"Sure it is! They wouldn't put nothin on TV that weren't real!"

"You watch a lot of TV, don't you? In fact, you recently saw a special about Koko the Gorilla, didn't you?"


"You wanted to raise money to help the gorilla, didn't you?"


"Bleeding hearts. Animal-rights activists. Liberals. Can't stand them. Never could. Tell me, why did you think this monkey needed your help?"

"Well, they was teachin it that there Sign Language, right? Well, I figured that poor monkey must be hard of hearin or sumthin. I mean, what're they teachin it Sign Language for if it ain't deaf? So I figured maybe I could raise enough money to get it a hearin aid or sumthin."

Heard from the audience, giggles could be.

"Shut up!" Judge Judy yelled again.

With his questioning, Denny Crane continued. "There's something in your beard. What is that?"

"A Cheeto."

"And why is it in your beard?"

"I'm savin it for later."

"You know, I have a Cheeto." Out of his pocket Denny Crane took a Cheeto. Grey it was. "It's been there in my pocket for a while. Kind of grey. There's lint on it. You want it?"

"I sure do! Let me have it!"



"Dance. You want this Cheeto. Do a dance for it."

Immediately, up Kenobi stood and dancing he started.

"Your Honor!" the prosecutor shouted.

"You!" at Kenobi the judge pointed. "Sit down! And you, Mr. Crane, I told you not to pull any crap in my courtroom!"

"Of course, Your Honor. Just one more question for the witness. Ernest Goes to Camp - what's your opinion?"

"That," Kenobi said, "is only the best movie ever made."

"I rest my case, Your Honor." Then to the jury he turned, "... Denny Crane."

Even more impressive his closing statement was. "Ladies and gentlemen, I've proven that my client is a moron. He's an idiot. Anyone can see that. He's got oatmeal for brains. And the law says if someone is too stupid to know what he was doing was wrong, he's not guilty. My client's too stupid to tie his own shoe laces. He's a ding-bat. That's why you have to find him Not Guilty. Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity. If he's an idgit, you must acquit." [Wait for it] "...Denny Crane."

For only five minutes the jury deliberated.

"I don't have five minutes!" Denny Crane yelled. "...Sorry, wrong show."

The jury, Judge Judy addressed, "So, have you dummies reached a verdict or what?"

"We have, Your Honor."

"Well, what is it already? This post has already gone on for way too long! Spit it out!"

"We, the jury, find the defendant Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity."

So relieved we were! Though, relieved and humiliated, Kenobi was. Sorry for him I started to feel. Then how inconvenient for me this whole thing was, I remembered. So in the shins I kicked him. Doofus!

Comments on "The Trial of Obi-Wan Kenobi"


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (6:44 AM) : 

Lawyer Denny crane sure knows how to play the judge. The trial may have gone quicker of verteran comic actor Henry Gibson were the judge, though. Lawyer Denny Crane can wrap that little guy around his finger.


Blogger Chancellor Palpatine said ... (9:41 AM) : 

Wow...I can even hear Denny Crane and Judge Judy's voices in my head.

Great work Master Yoda!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:15 AM) : 

Wow, Kenobi sure is stupid.... [Wait for it...]

Ha ha!


Blogger Vegeta said ... (10:32 AM) : 

Denny Crane sure looks familar, Like I ran into him exploring strane new worlds or something.
denny crane denny craneDENNY CANE!!!!!!! Ahhh he just appeared behind me! TRhat's the last time I say his name in the mirror in a dark room


Blogger JawaJuice said ... (10:39 AM) : 

Wow, just a kick in the shins. Kenobi got off light. He must really be grateful to have a friend and mentor like you to constantly remind him of his doofus ways.

hmmmm, I wonder if this Denny Crane handles divorce proceedings?


Blogger Helen Louise said ... (11:20 AM) : 

Hahahahahaha! I love it! Denny Crane!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:03 PM) : 

What, no Chewbacca Defense?


Anonymous wedge antillies said ... (12:57 PM) : 


The real hero in this mess appears to be Senator Organa. It is a good thing he likes you guys. But I also gotta ask how Kenobi made it through Jedi training? I mean, I can see him as a pilot, we don't need that much smarts, but aren't Jedi supposed to be all sort-of wise?


Blogger frozentear said ... (2:36 PM) : 

That's a very good point there, wedge antilies.


Blogger flu said ... (6:03 PM) : 

I liked the part where Lyle Alzedo climbed out of the bucket loader and whipped Earnest silly.

"I don't really trust a sane person."
-Lyle Alzado (1949-1992)


Blogger Professor Xavier said ... (8:08 PM) : 

I think Kenobi got pretty lucky there. My ex-wife dragged me before Judge Judy once. She's a real man-hatter.


Blogger Anakin Skywalker said ... (10:56 PM) : 

Little dude, that has to be the most whacked-out funniest shizzy I ever rizead. For serious.

Wonder if I can get this guy to defend me for that... um...

that thing I didn't do.


Blogger Kathy said ... (7:08 PM) : 

This has GOT to take the top spot of the new 100 best posts. I laughed myself, uh, stupid.


Blogger Captain Berk said ... (9:53 AM) : 

Denny Crane is quite beautiful.

Ernest Goes To Camp is the finest comedy film of its generation.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:03 AM) : 

Denny Crane Denny Crane
All I can say is the world needs more of people like Denny Crane!
Whata guy!


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:05 AM) : 

Blaine Armitage London Ontario ...
I wouldn't miss a Tuesday night of Denny Crane
What a guy!
We need more honest people like Denny Crane!


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