|The (Un)Usual Suspects:|
Gathered in the Jedi Temple library we have, Deputy Sherriff Barney Fife, the official Jedi stenographer, the eight suspects (see previous post), and myself. Time to get down to the bottom of this, it is. Below, a transcript of the proceedings so far is.
DEPUTY FIFE [Loudly] Alright, people, calm down! Calm down! Now you're probably wondering why I've called you all here tonight...
BUBBA THE HUTT I thought that there Yoda feller was the one that called us here. Ain't he the one who called you'ns?
DEPUTY FIFE No, as an officer of the Law, I called everyone...
BUBBA THE HUTT I'm purty sure it were that little green feller who sent me the invite...
DEPUTY FIFE Look! I'm the Law here. Got it? If anyone's gonna be calling a meeting, it's gonna be me, understand? Now, as I was sayin', you're probably wonderin' why I called you all here. As a duly deputized officer of the Law, it is my duty to find who the perpetrating perpetrator is who perpetrated this heinous crime against this innocent citizen, Mr. Yoda.
YADDLE One of us, you suspect?
DEPUTY FIFE That's right! The perpetrator who perpetrated this heinous crime, the person who stole Mr. Yoda's toilet board and rubber ducky is in this room, right here!
[The lights in the room suddenly go out. The room is completely dark. ]
[A womanly scream is heard.]
[The lights come back on]
DEPUTY FIFE Uh, sorry, everyone. I accidentally hit the light switch. [Loudly] Alright, everyone, calm down! Calm down! I've got it all under control.
OBI-WAN KENOBI Who was screamin?
DEPUTY FIFE That's not important. Now...
YODA I think that Deputy Fife it was.
DEPUTY FIFE I do not scream!
YODA Mmm yes, like a little girl you screamed. Be mistaken with ears this size, I cannot.
DEPUTY FIFE Alright enough! Let's get to business here. One of you stole Yoda's ducky, and no one's leavin until I find out who it was! Now, Yodle...
YADDLE Yaddle, my name is.
DEPUTY FIFE Whatever! Where were you four nights ago between the hours of 9:00 pm to 11:00 pm? And don't lie to me! I'm a trained law-enforcement professional! I can tell when criminal-types are lying! So you better tell the truth!
YADDLE In my room. Watching While You Were Sleeping, I was.
DEPUTY FIFE Were you by yourself?
YADDLE [Sighs heavily] Yes, again.
DEPUTY FIFE Aha! So you don't have a lullaby!
YADDLE An alibi you mean?
DEPUTY FIFE Whatever! You don't have one, so you must have done it!
YADDLE Want anything to do with Yoda's stuff, I do not! A jerk he is! Though, still my Sweet Baboo he is.
YODA Your Sweet Babbo I am not!
YADDLE [Draws lightsaber] You will be.
DEPUTY FIFE Alright, put that away before you hurt someone! You want me to arrest you? Well, do ya? Don't make me take this bullet out of my pocket!
YADDLE [Puts lightsaber back in holster] The thief I am not! Pick on someone else, why do you not? Master Windu roaming the halls that night I saw. Ask him...
MACE WINDU That's a lie!
DEPUTY FIFE Then what were you doing the alleged heinous night in question?
MACE WINDU I was in my room moisturizing, man.
DEPUTY FIFE The whole two hours?
MACE WINDU Of course the whole two hours! What do you think? You think you can rush this much beauty?
DEPUTY FIFE Ok, smart guy, where's your proof?
MACE WINDU Look at me, fool! This beautiful chestnut skin didn't come by accident, man! Why don't you ask Anakin over there what he was doing? I don't remember hearing him come to his room until real late that night!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER What? Oh, it's like that, now, huh? I thought you was my dawg, yo!
For the billionth time, yo, I ain't stole no toilet board or no spit like that. They ain't no way I'm goin near that thing, yo. Yoda's been like, sitting his green booty on it and stuff.
What about Obi-Wan, yo? He's like all weird and spit. Fuh real.
OBI-WAN KENOBI Ha! There's no way I coulda done it!
YODA Why that is, Kenobi?
OBI-WAN KENOBI 'Cause whoever done it, ain't got caught yet. Everyone knows I ain't smart enough to do nothin like that without bein caught! So there!
YODA True it is. Dumb you are.
OBI-WAN KENOBI See?!
ANAKIN SKYWALKER Ok, then what about the giant booger, yo? Why you gotta be all up in my grill about this when you got a real evil dude right over there?
BUBBA THE HUTT What? You'ns talkin about me? Look, I didn't steal no toilet board. I didn't even know the little feller needed one. Though I guess that makes sense when ya think about it. It's kinda funny too. Yeah, that's funny right there, I don't care who you are.
Hey what about this here fella in the Liberace get-up? He don't look like too nice a guy.
COUNT DOOKU My good man, I'll have you know these clothes were custom designed by Jorjo Armanini of Alderaan, who is quite simply the greatest fashion designer known to man.
Now, I see absolutely no reason why I should be suspected. I have, after all, been recuperating from that unfortunate incident on that unpleasant Jerry Springer program. I'm afraid I just haven't the spirit yet to attempt such a thing.
I say, no one's questioned the young man sitting in the corner over there. Judging from his appearance, I'd say he's not above such a thing.
YODA Yes, Stupid Intern, what to say for yourself do you have? Where were you, when stolen, my ducky was?
YODA'S STUPID INTERN Probably picking up your dry cleaning, or waxing your airspeeder for the five-thousandth time.
YODA Proof of this, you have?
YODA'S STUPID INTERN Unfortunately, it was one of those rare occasions when you weren't breathing down my back. So, yeah, I was alone, probably enjoying the peace and quiet.
YODA Deal with you later, I will.
DEPUTY FIFE Now wait just a cotton-pickin minute! There's one guy we haven't talked to yet. Colonel Mustard, what do you have to say for yourself? Huh? I said speak up, Mister!
COLONEL MUSTARD I say, surely, Old Man, you don't think I had anything to do with this, do you? I harbored absolutely no animosity towards Mr. Boddy at all. What's more, you still haven't proven I used the rope in the kitchen have you?
DEPUTY FIFE What in the world are you talkin about? And who's this Mr. Boddy fella?
COLONEL MUSTARD Well, who is this Yoda chap you keep dribbling on about? I say, Constable, are you quite certain that I belong here?
DEPUTY FIFE Are you trying to tell me how to do my job? I'm a trained officer of the Law. If I say you belong here, you belong here! Do you understand that, mister!
COLONEL MUSTARD There now, old Bean, it's just that I feel so out of place for some reason.
YODA Deputy, talked to everyone now, you have. The perpetrator, who is?
DEPUTY FIFE How am I supposed to know? None of them have lullabies! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Attenion Readers: Need your help, I do! Who the thief is, do you think? Determine tomorrow's post, your vote below will: