Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Trading Spaces, Trading Punches

Her room, a young Jedi, Aayla Secura, just decorated. Very nice it is. In fact, nicer than my room it is. Right that is not! Supposed to have the nicest room in the Jedi Temple I am! The most seniority I have, so the nicest room and closest parking space I get. Bring this up at the next Council meeting I must. If a giant aquarium with fishies she gets, then one I want too! Hmph!

Anyway, of the time we were on that show Trading Spaces, it reminds me. My room redecorated I wanted, but two rooms at once they do. So go on the show with me, I made Young Skywalker. Willing he was not, but give him a choice I did not.

On Young Skywalker's room with designer Frank, Windu and I worked. On my room with designer Doug, Young Skywalker and Kenobi worked. To clean out Young Skywalker's room, a shovel we had to use. So messy it was, able to see the floor when we walked in, we were not. Much time to peel down all the Vanilla Ice posters, it took.

While putting the third layer of pink paint on the walls we were, designer Frank asked me if like the room Young Skywalker would, I thought.

"Fond of your hands, are you?" was all I said.

Finally, time for the Reveal it was. First, my room I would see.

"Don't look!" Host Paige said as her hands over my eyes she held.

"Make a difference it does not," I said, "See through you I can."

Her hands off my eyes she took. "So, what think, do you?"

Start to dry heave I did. Black walls, orange carpet, and school bus yellow furniture. Almost blind I went. "Love it, I do!" I said.

Then, Young Skywalker's turn it was. "Yo, what is this crap?!" he said.



Designer Frank came in. "A princess theme it is! Love it, do you not?"

Instantly tackle Young Skywalker as drawing his lightsaber he was, Windu, Kenobi, and I did. Sit on him until he calmed down we had to. "Just his hands! Take his hands, just let me!" yelling he kept.

After a while, and after calm Young Skywalker was, around Windu looked, and said, "You know, kind of like it, I do." No, Windu, no.

A Goober, Kenobi Is

Waiting for me at the Jedi Temple when I got home, R2D2 was. Sent him, Senator Amidala had. How long waiting there he had been, I know not.

Before me a holographic image of Senator Amidala, R2 projected. "Help me, Master Yoda," she said, "My only hope you are. An emergency situation... szktzz"

Static there was, then Undertaker from WWE appeared. "Coming after you, I am, Booker T! Hear me, do you?!..."

"Kenobi!" I yelled. "Your butt in here, get right now!"

Out from the bathroom ran Kenobi, zipping up and on his robe wiping his hands. Stuck to his boots, toilet paper was.

"Taped over an important message from Senator Amidala with your stupid wrestling you have!"

"Me it was not!" he said, "See me do it, no one did. Prove anything you can not!"

"Then whose cheesy orange finger prints on the front of R2, these are? Hmm?"

Busted, he was. Time to lock Kenobi in the closet again it is, I think.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Too Much, The Honesty Is

Relaxing, the evening was at first. Sitting on the couch I was, my latest fan letter to Dolly I was writing. Almost a week since written my last one, it has been. More serious about that, I need to be.

Meanwhile, watching his Ernest Goes to Camp DVD for the 47th time, Kenobi was. Laughing loudly at all the same parts he was. Around his head, a large orange cloud of Cheeto dust floated. Enjoying himself he was.

Just fine everything was, then up from his Tiger Beat magazine Windu looked, and said, "You know, a good talk we all should have."

"Not again," Kenobi said.

"No, serious I am," said Windu, "Never we talk."

"A reason for that there is," I muttered.

"Really honest, I want us to be," Windu continued. "Open up to each other more we should. Our feelings we should talk about. Your feelings about things I want to know."

"Right now," Kenobi said, "feelin' the urge to take a leak, I am." Then, loudly he belched as his beer can he crushed on his forehead. Seem to notice he did not, that still full of beer it was. Know about that boy I do not.

Then about his feelings Windu droned on and on. He says that every once in a while, a hug he needs. Hmph! Hug himself he can. Wash his robe more regularly he must, before a hug from me he gets!

Spammed I Am

That in my email much "spam" I received lately, my stupid intern informed me. At first, excited I was, because nothing to eat all day I had. But then what spam is, he told me. Very curious these messages are. (By the way, what part of a pig, the spam is?)

To look at her cam, a nice lady named Shawna wanted me. But a mechanic I am not, so help her with her engine trouble I could not.

Also, know I did not that in my area many "sexy singles" live. To meet me, they want. Why, I know not.

From a nice man on Planet Nigeria, came one message. Some help handling some extra money he needs. If he could use my bank account, he asked. Always willing to help I am, but unfortunately, all my money in my Scooby-Doo piggy bank I keep. A bank account Windu has, so Windu's account number to this man, I sent. Make lots of money from this, Windu will. So surprised he will be.
_____________

Updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. Also, written a movie review on his other blog he has. About a bat with super powers it is, I think. Called Superbat Starts or something it is.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Pierce WHAT, You Want To?!

Angry with me, Young Skywalker is. To get pierced in a very weird place he wanted. Even know that was possible, I did not. Of course, allow him I did not.

"Whack, this is! My body it is, yo! Got nothing to do with it you ain't!" so eloquently, he put it.

"As long as under this roof, you live, abide by my rules, you will!"

"A grown man, I am!" he yelled as his foot he stomped, "a man, a man, a man!"

At that point, bulging a large vein in my forehead started. Then, twitching nervously, I was. Got this many times I have, when arguing with Young Skywaker.

Stress it is, my doctor said. Unfortunately, surgically remove Young Skywalker, er, the stress I mean, from me, he can not. Doing something that relaxes me, the doctor recommended. Only two things that relax me, there are: Clog dancing, and Japanese Haiku.

So, entered a Haiku contest I have. What written I have, here is:

Cherry blossoms bloom;
My Dolly CD's he broke
What! Oh, wookie snot!

So, think what, do you?
_____________________________________

Maybe notice some of you have, that popping up, a lot of blogs written by my fellow Jedi and others, have been. Just like to say I would, that doing a good job they are! If checked them out you have not, you should. Very entertaining they are. They include: Kenobi, Aayla Secura, Senator Amidala, Qui Gon Jinn, JawaJuice, the Jar Jars, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Fluke Starbucker. With the Dark Side they are, but admit I have to, that doing a good job Count Dooku and General Grievous are too! Comment here regularly most of them do, so find links to their blogs in their profiles, you can.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Loogies, Hee-Haw, and Reality TV

Working at the Jedi Temple today, our cable was not. Going crazy everyone was. Without TV, forced to talk to each other we are. So see you can, why so important here, television is.

Still, good for Kenobi to go a day without his wrestling and Hee-Haw reruns it was. And a break from BET, Young Skywalker needed. Needed to watch another movie on Lifetime, Windu did not.

Watch much TV I do not. On the air anymore, one show I was watching is not. A reality show it was. Called Star Trek: Enterprise it was. About this group of people stuck on a ship together, it was. For someone to get voted off the ship, I kept waiting. But voted off no one got. What the point was, I know not. No wonder, cancelled it was.

Anyway, so bored Kenobi and Young Skywalker got, that "hawking loogies" off of one of the temple balconies they started. Having contests for accuracy, size, and distance they were. Kill them to read a book, would it? Have been so bad, it would not, if walking below, a delegation of senators were not. To hide when the Senators looked up, Kenobi and Young Skywalker tried. But going to take the heat for this, I was not! Rat them out, I did. Much explaining to do, they have now. But deserve it they do. To the Dark Side, using the Force to control one's loogies leads.
_______________

Updated his blog, my stupid intern has. Posted about some silly movie about a bat who fights crime, he has. Called Superbat Starts it is, I think. Also update his fiction blog this weekend, he will. As if care, anyone does.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Lost It Kenobi Has

Worried about Kenobi I am. Taking the fake TV wrestling too seriously, he is. Started wearing wrestling tights, he has. Now around the temple in his colorful tights, hooded mask, and cape he walks. On being called "The Kenobinator" he insists. Better than the first name he thought of, "Captain Cheeto", it is.

Other rejected wrestling names for Kenobi:
Captain Poo-poo Head (This one, Windu suggested)
Commander Obi-Licious
Obi-ONE HAND (What this means, I know not)
Obi-Wan the Bearded Bomb
Bubba the Barbarian
Brain Dead Ben (My idea, this was)
Benny Beer Belly
Count Von Kickenbutt (Just stupider it got, after this one)

Gotten out of hand, it has. The other day, Windu suggested that fake, TV wrestling might be. Really mad, Kenobi got. In something called a "Sleeper Hold", he put Windu. "Feel fake, this does?!" he yelled. Finally, take it back, Windu did, right before passing out.

Now, "smack" Kenobi talks all the time. Very loud he is, too. Just this morning, this he yelled at me:
"You think you're tough, little man?! You think you got what it takes to beat me?! Well, you ain't, man!! You ain't got what it takes to beat my Grandma! Do you hear me, boy?! When I get through with you, you're gonna go cryin' home to your Mama!! That's right, man!! I... AM GOING... TO TAKE... YOU... DOWWWWWWN!!!!!!!!"

Why the need to use a microphone he felt, I know not.

Afraid to walk through the front door I am. Know I do not, if off a bookcase Kenobi is about to jump and to the ground, pin me. I wish that use the living room as his own personal "death match cage" he would not. Broken several lamps, he has.

Lost it, he has.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

An Evening With Mr. Cruise

TomKat

Our guest at the Jedi Temple last night, actor Tom Cruise was. As see you can, his daughter he brought with him. Apparently, very close to his daughter he is. Very close.

Odd, the evening was. First, get Mr. Cruise to stop jumping up and down on the sofa, we could not. Even take off his shoes before doing this, he did not! Great! Finally the Wookie smell I get rid of, now this!

And of course, come over, Senator Amidala and her handmaiden Sabé had to. "In the area we just happened to be, and drop in we thought we would. Oh, have company do you? Know we did not."

Yeah, right. Full of Wookie snot they are. Stop squealing they would not, when Tom Cruise, they saw. "Your biggest fans we are! Seen all of your movies we have!"

For some reason, appear to like this, Young Skywalker did not. Suddenly, acting strangely he was. Keep challenging Tom Cruise to arm wrestle, he did. Then push-ups. Beating Young Skywalker at arm wrestling, Tom was, but then his nose Young Skywalker picked with the same hand to arm wrestle he was using. Freak Mr. Cruise out, this did. After he won, really obnoxious Young Skywalker became (Even more obnoxious than usual, he was, and saying a lot, that is.). "Not so tough you are, huh, Cruise? Not such a big deal now you are, are you?" he kept saying.

After dinner, very boring it got. Sat down in the living room to talk, we did. A big mistake that was. Know when to shut up, Tom Cruise does not. On and on about his new documentary, he kept going. Called War of the Worlds it is. Very true-to-life it sounds, but care to hear about it all night I did not.

Finally, I started to yawn, "Well, an early day tomorrow I have."

Apparently, take a hint, Tom Cruise can not. "So, Yoda," he asked, "heard of Scientology have you?" Another two-hour marathon this started.

"My own religion, I have," I said. Hello! Jedi Master in a Jedi Temple I am! Discourage him this did not. On and on about this L. Ron Hubbard guy he went. Get me to buy this guy's books, he tried. But trust someone who hides his first name, I do not. Besides, Battlefield Earth I saw. Come from anyone associated with that, nothing good can.

Really ugly things got, when a glass of water I spilled on him by accident. Very upset he became. Let go of my arm he would not. "Do that, why would you?" He kept saying, "A jerk, you are."

Angry Mr. Cruise was when he left. Oh well, maybe not so bad that is. Perhaps come back he will not.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

More Wisdom for the Ages

Just read Senator Amidala's post, I have. "Ant eating"? Ant eating I was not. An ardvaark I am not! Antiquing I was. Getting rediculous ridiculous this is! Listen to me anymore no one does. Also, take her opinions seriously you should not. From MTV, all her news she gets.

Anyway, compiled more of my wisdom for you, I have. Very fortunate you are. For this, I charge most people. Very good to you, I am.

So, here it is:

More Gems of Yoda's Wisdom
- Yes, like a giant booger with a face on it, Jabba the Hutt looks. But tell him that do not!
- Leave a trail of bread crumbs near your clothes dryer, you should. That way, get lost, your socks will not.
- Spayed or neutered, have your Wookie.
- The only good spider, a dead spider is.
- Finding Waldo, a proper use of the Force is not.
- Never look a gift bantha in the mouth - like to spit, they do.
- Size matters not, but learn what mine is, you should, before clothes you buy me.
- Hold up as a defense in court, "Stupid is as stupid does" will not. Trust me, tried this on more than one occasion Kenobi has.
- Beware of strangers bearing Jesus Juice, you should.
- Play "Spin the Lightsaber" with Jar Jar Binks you should not, no matter how lonely you may be.

No doubt, much wiser you feel now. Welcome, you are.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Guest Poster: Padmé Amidala [Topic: Totally!]

Padme


'Kay, so I thought I'd like, you know, share my insight and stuff into this Iraq thingy, because I'm like, this big time Senator and I am so totally knowledgable when it comes to government and junk.

So, first of all, that Iraq place was so totally a bummer before your country like, made it the 51st state or something, I swear. It was like totally gross. Like, all the malls closed at five every day! Yah, as if! And the women had like these really crummy lives, like they didn't even have the right to shop for shoes, or do their nails, or anything! I know, that's like so uncool, right?

And like, everybody makes such a big deal about that Weapons of Mass Destruction thing. They're all like mad and stuff 'cause nobody found Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Well, duh! Weapons of Mass Destruction is like the coolest band ever! I've downloaded, like every one of their songs. They are so awesome. There is like, no way, they'd be even caught dead in a dorky place like that. I know, because my best girlfriend Sabé and I like almost got backstage to meet them once, but this totally obnoxious security guy stopped us. And they wouldn't even see us anyways, 'cause they are way too cool to hang out with us. So there is no way those dweeby old inspector guys were going to get to see them.

And like that Saddam guy was so gross. I mean, what's up with that mustache! Ewww! Somebody told me, like the mustache kinda looked like the one worn by some actor, named Tom Selleck or something, who was on that old TV show, Magnum P.I. But, I'm not like 70 years old, so that was like, way before my time, and anyways, I don't care who's wearing it, that mustache is totally gross.

So, like, that governor guy, George W. What's-His-Name, totally knew what he was doing when he like, overturned the whole government there. Even that creepy lady he like, kisses all the time, Condominium Something-Or-Other, deserves her props, you know? Both of them like totally deserve to get that Ma Bell Peace Prize or whatever. And besides, they're like so cute together, you know?

So, I hope this like, cleared some things up for ya! I know, what I said was like totally deep 'cause I'm a Senator and all, but when you think about it, it gets like easier to understand and stuff.

Anyways, gotta blaze. The mall is open late tonight, 'cause there's like this big sale, so there's like no way I'd miss that. Isn't democracy fun? Totally.

Oh, and Master Yoda will be back tomorrow. Have fun with your ant eating, Master Yoda! (Like, I didn't even know he ate ants! That is like so gross!)

Kisses,
Padmé

The Other Woman

Yoda_Sandra_Bullock

Please, tell Dolly this, do not! But another woman in my life there is. Sandra Bullock, her name is. So pretty, she is. *sigh*

Think do you, that a chance for a beautiful movie star like her and a powerful Jedi master like me, there is? Sure, a small height difference there is. But mind tall women, I do not. Besides, a more handsome fellow than me, could she find? Think so, I do not.

As see from the picture, you can, a couple of Sandra movies and a pint of Phish Food, a perfect evening for me is. Yes, I know. Girlie movies in my hands, those are. But, care I do not! Take Sandra any way I can get her, I will! Besides, only so many times, watch Speed and Speed II, I can. (By the way, so different in the second movie, Keanu looks. Why that is?)

A special thanks to Valerie for the picture.

_______________________

Updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. So what? Want a medal, does he? Also, check out his other blog you can.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Dress Him Up You Can, Take Him Anywhere You Can Not

Today, dinner at Chez Republique, we had. Take Kenobi to a nice restaurant, I can not. Know why I try I do not. The manners of a retarded baby monkey, he has.

Told him a million times I have, appropriate, asking the Maitre D' to "pull my finger" is not. Also, considered good manners, making those armpit noises every time down someone sits, is not. And no, Kenobi, impressed that make those noises in perfect harmony you and Young Skywalker can, I am not! Impressed the band was not, either. Playing fine, without you two "playing bass" they were.

Everything he eats, Kenobi wears. Finish a meal, Kenobi cannot, unless a "souvenir" on his robe he collects. "Saving it for later" he says he is. Apparently, much later he means, since older than Young Skywalker, some of the stains on his robe are.

At least, gotten a little better it has since grown the beard he has. Now, catch some of the gravy, spaghetti sauce, cheap bear, and bean dip, his beard does. Unfortunately, in no hurry to clean that out either, he is.

When take it anymore I cannot, with a pressure washer, I spray him. Yes, sting Kenobi a little it does. On occasion, taken off some of Kenobi's skin, it has. But a small price to pay that is, so that look at his stain collection, I do not.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Ask Yoda

Share more of my wisdom with you now, I will. Also, share a secret with you, I will. When almost 900 years you reach, start to run out of wise things to say, you do. But, let the Padawans know this, I can not. So, when think of something to say I cannot, something from a fortune cookie I remember, I repeat. Then, like the one who thought of it I am, I pretend. Know the difference Padawans do not. When work that does not, Chicken Soup for the Jedi Soul I quote. Even the council, it fools.

I promise that mine all of the wisdom below is, as far as you know.

Actual Emails

My question this is: What is the meaning of life?
-John L.
Answer: Summed up in one word, the meaning of life can be - "Tofurkey".


Another email...

Master--On my planet, long ago, we had a sage named Grover, whose wisdom was as deep as his fur was fuzzy and blue. Watching the recent newsreels featuring your activities, I cannot help but wonder, are you our long-lost Grover?
-Jeff
Answer: Grover I am not, but very wise he is. The difference between "near" and "far", he taught me. Near .... far. Near ................... far. Near ............................................. far! Very profound.


From Your Comments...

Jon, intergalactic gladiator-
If The Six Million Dollar Man were created today, would he be better because of the increase in technology and standardization of parts, or would he be worse because $6 million doesn't get you as far today as it did in the seventies?
Answer: Depends, still get to date Lindsay Wagner, he would? All the difference, that would make.

Holy mother eph- I wonder what a wookie would look like with a buzz [cut].

Answer:

Rodman_Wookie


Đirestraits- Are there any Sith Wookies? If not.. why?
Answer: As long as to the vet regularly you take him, and all his shots he gets, turn Sith a Wookie will not. Once, bitten by a Wookie with Sith, I was. 20 shots in my tummy, the doctor gave me. Now, just one shot there is, I understand. Just remember, if foaming at the mouth, a Wookie is, go near him do not. Gone Sith, he may have.


If questions for Yoda you have, leave them in the comments or email him at askyoda@gmail.com, you can. Reply to or use every email, I may not. Edit the comments or emails, I may. Reveal your personal information I will not. And please, family-friendly your comments keep!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

No, Windu, No

Windu_unbreakable


Windu, telling you this I am because your friend I am. Trying to "hate on you" as Young Skywalker says, I am not. But one of the worst toupees ever seen I have, that is. Believe that your hair that is, no one will. Besides backwards on your head you have it, it looks like.

Any better, these wigs are not:

Windu_wig Like a Chia Pet with Rabies, this looks.


Windu_Dreads Like a dirty mop died on your head, this looks.

Look, what those people at Hair Club for Men tell you, believe not. Only to sell you more hairpieces they want! Kenobi I told, that a bad idea, getting you a membership there was. Listen to your friends, you should. And promise you we do, that stop laughing at you in a couple of days we will. Just, please, take off that stupid toupee you must!
___________

Checked out my stupid intern's other blogs have you?
Bill Johnson's Fiction Bill Johnson's Blog

Movie Night - or - Why Never On Time, Wookies Are

Movie night, tonight was. Unfortunately, Windu's turn to pick the movie, it was. Choose Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, he did. Always a chick-flick he chooses. Never a James Bond film or one of those movies with Jedi Master Jackie Chan he wants.

He said like a good cry having, he felt. But movie or no movie, like that, he always feels! He says more sensitive, we need to be. Be more in touch with our feminine side we should. Mmph! The only side Windu has, his feminine side is. And a whiny, crybaby it has to be.

Anyway, in town, Chewbacca is, so him we invited. A big mistake, that was! Get nowhere on time you can, when a Wookie you bring. The reason, this is:



Chewbacca_Rollers

Supposed to be ready to leave at 7pm, we were. But no less than 3 hours to get ready, it takes a Wookie. Rush a Wookie you do not! And of course, perfect, Chewbacca's hair had to be.

To share his curling iron with Chewie, Young Skywalker tried. But know he did not that go near a Wookie with a hot curling iron, you should not. His good arm, Young Skywalker almost lost.

Maybe, post such an embarrassing picture I should not, you think? Well, payback, this is. You see, an embarrassing photo of me on his blog, Chewbacca posted. So, whatever do you, click this link and look at it, do not! Explain that picture I must, I feel. An experimental time, the 60's were. Some things I did, that proud of I am not. But inhale, I did not! Destroy all the negatives, Chewbacca would, he promised me. A way to treat frat brothers, this is not!

Thanks to Fluke Starbucker for the Chewbacca picture.

_____________________________

Just updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. Check out his other blog, too, you might.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Count Dooku: Watch Your Back, You Better!

Gotten to the bottom of last night's spider incident, I have. That the spider in my bed someone planted, I found out! What's more, Count Dooku it was! Know how past Security he got, I do not.

Shocked I was when this I learned. Oh, no he did not! I thought. It, that is! On now, it is! On like Donkey Kong, it is! Hear me, do you, Dooku? Mine you are, boy! When last time we met, schooled you got. Well, need your pencil and notebook you will, because back in session class is!

My revenge, plan carefully I must. In the mean time, take Chewbacca for his walk I will. Stop in Dooku's yard we will. Like to see the expression on Dooku's face I would, when a few Wookie "land mines" in his yard he finds!

Still, afraid to go to bed I am. But taken precautions I have. Plugged in an extra Scooby-Doo nite lite, I have. Scared of Scooby-Doo nite lites, spiders are, so OK I should be.

_____________

Updated "Bill Johnson's Blog", my stupid intern has. Update his fiction blog soon, he will. Check them out, you should.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Like Spiders I Do NOT!

YodaSpider-12

Like spiders I do not! As see from this picture you can, terrified of them I am. Last night this happened, when getting ready for bed I was. When the sheets I turned down, there a big hairy spider was! The crap it scared out of me! My jammies, I almost wet.

For help I yelled, and in running with their lightsabers drawn, came Kenobi and Young Skywalker. With his shoe, Kenobi wacked the spider. Then making fun of me, they started.

"The matter what is? Scared of a little-bitty spider, mighty Yoda is?"

Funny it is not! Very serious, my fear of spiders is. Back to my childhood it dates. One day, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me, my mommy had. But something weird in it I tasted. The bread I opened, and there part of a big hairy spider was! Very traumatic, that was for me. Ever since then, afraid of spiders I have been. Also a fear of peanut butter and jelly I have.

Besides, "little-bitty" this spider last night was not! Big and hairy, it was. The worst kind that is, too. Looking at me with its many little eyes it was. Tell, I could. Wanted to bite Yoda, it did!

Oh, and "scream like a little girl" I did not, no matter what from Young Skywalker you hear!
______________

Mentioned my stupid intern before, I have. Help typing this blog I need because only two fingers and thumb on each hand I have. Nothing to me, the home row means! So my stupid intern, I use. Anyway, created another blog he has. That he can write fiction, he thinks. Yeah, right.
Also, to mention he wants me, that always meant to be funny his new blog is not. Know why he needed me to mention that, I do not. Read his other blog I have, and think funny it is either, I do not.
Well, care about this I do not, but if mentioned it I did not, whine about it he would. Just check it out so have to hear him complain, I do not.

Kenobi, Big Words, and Teletubbies

Watching NASCAR today Kenobi was. Understand this game, I do not. Nowhere, the cars go. Just round and round in circles, they drive.

Of course, enough to entertain Kenobi that is. Mesmerized just by flashing colors he is.

When Masterpiece Theater I suggested to him, his bag of Cheetos he threw at me. Watch anything on PBS he would, I wish. Well, except Barney the Purple Dinosaur. The Dark Side, that is. But at this point, more intellectual than the garbage Kenobi usually watches, even Teletubbies would be.

"PBS?" he said, "That's that there channel what uses all them big words, ain't it?"

Been this bad, it has not, since on the air TGIF was. Getting dumber by the minute he is. Afraid I am, that if one more episode of Jerry Springer he watches, unable to tie his own shoes he will be.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Attention Windu

Attention Windu: Asking me "Look infected to you, this does?" please stop! Tried to be polite I have, but take it anymore I can not! Getting gross it is now.

That pop the thing already, you would, I wish. Kill you, it will not. Bleed that much it can not. But quit picking at it you must. Worse, scratching makes it.

And showing it to company and anyone else you meet, please please stop. Embarrass me at last night's state dinner, you did. Sure I am, that want to look at it in the middle of her meal, the First Lady did not. Trying to eat her conch fritters, she was. Now, never come here again, they will!

Freak out you should not, just because growing from it some hair is. Some tweezers to it, take, and alone about it, leave me! Much trouble going to sleep I have now, because burned into my brain, the image of it is. See it anymore I can not.

Obviously, working the Ginko-Biloba is not. But if see a doctor you will not, then shut up! Care what color it is today, I do not! Interested in guessing what celebrity it looks like, I am not! If one more time to me you show it, treat it with "lightsaber therapy" I will!

Ask Yoda

More of my wisdom, share with you I will.

Actual Emails:

Word on the street is that you sing Michael Bolton tunes in the Jedi Temple?
-Trinamick

Answer:
Strictly against the Jedi Code, singing, humming, and/or playing Michael Bolton is. In immediate expulsion from the Jedi Order it results. The Dark Side, "Darth Screechy Voice" is.

Another Email...

Having such small body mass, does it only take one or two beers to put you away?
-Eric C.

Answer:
Hold my liquor I can! More than two beers it takes. A wussie I am not. Unfortunately, though, small my bladder is. Make many trips to the little Padawan's room I must, before even buzzed I get.

From Your Comments:

Byron Bay Jedi -
1) Miss Piggy have you ever met?

Answer: Run in the same circles, Miss Piggy and I do not. However, if not mistaken I am, a mutual acquaintance we have.

2) Concerned about Australia I am. A Sith Lord their Prime Minister appaears to be. Your opinion on this i would be interested to hear.

Answer: Familiar with the politics on Planet Australia I am not. In which system is that? Near Tattoine that is?

Wookie Hobbit- Is cheese healthy for Chewbacca?

Answer: No. The "runs" it gives him. Want to deal with that, you do not! ... Perhaps shared too much I have.

Robin- Why do Jedi padawans have those brush cuts with the little braids hanging down?

Answer: Because know how to cut a Mullet, the Jedi barber does not.

If questions for Yoda you have, email him at askyoda@gmail.com or leave them in the comments, you can. Use your email or comment I may not. If your email I use, edit it, I may. Guarantee that reply to every email I will, I can not. And please, family-friendly your comments keep!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Jesus, Elvis, and Me

At a flea market in Mexico I was the other day, when upon a wonderful surprise I stumbled. Bestowed upon me by the people of your planet, a great honor has been. An honor reserved for the greatest among your people it is. First Jesus, then Elvis, and now, my turn it is. See here you can, that painted on black velvet, my portrait has been!


YodaVelvetPainting

In fine company I am - the Son of God, the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and those really smart dogs who poker can play!

I know complain I should not, but handsome as I am this painting is not. Remember posing for it I do not. On the other hand, if mistaken I am not, pose for many of their black velvet paintings Jesus and Elvis did not either. Sure about that, I am not. Maybe ask someone, I should.

Thanks, Tana for the picture.

By the way, posted about me,Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Further Humiliation

This letter I received today. Explains why stuck with the crumby house on Dagobah, I got. Fair this is not! Read it you can. Sick it makes me.


Mr. Y Oda

Tower 4, Jedi Square, Suite 17723

Capitol City, Coruscant 82719AHHB-88361

Mr. Oda,

It has come to our attention that you are not totally pleased with your recent purchase of the residence on Dagobah (Property reference DGB3362). Information about your “blog” came to our attention via one of our associates.

It is our policy here at Galactic Timeshare™ to try and make all of our “family members” as happy as possible with their new purchase. Consequently, I have looked into your situation and found some items that you need to be aware of.

1) As was pointed out to you in your original application, our properties are desired by some of the most affluent people in this parsec. Most of our clients have substantial wealth or higher-than-average incomes to aid with their purchase. You do seem to be lacking any regular income and your property selection was lowered accordingly.

2) As part of your loan application you listed several fellow “Jedi Knights” as references. Further investigation into these persons revealed that none of them meet any of the minimum criteria to own properties, so they are not valid as references.

3) The collateral for your loan was made against your vested interest in the “Midichlorian Retirement Fund”. When we looked into your vestment, the fund manager, a Mr. Windu, informed us that due to lack of funding, the amount you noted in your application did not agree with his records. He then recommended a lower-priced property for your selection.

I have attached all the other correspondence we sent to you during this time, and your final signature is available for your review at the Republic Hall of Records.

On a final note, Mr. Oda, if you are still dissatisfied with your purchase, feel free to exercise your option to forfeit your deposit and back out of the contract.

I do hope that we can come to an acceptable solution, Mr. Oda, and you will refrain from making negative comments on your web site.

Thank you for your patronage,

Mr. Ribone Acturras

Public Relations General Manager

Galactic Timeshare Corp.


Wookie snot!


You listed several fellow 'Jedi Knights' as references...none of them meet any of the minimum criteria to own properties... (Oh, apparently good enough to save your sorry butts from armies of evil droids, Jedi are, but good enough to own a two-bedroom cottage on the beach, we are not! Hmph!)


The fund manager, a Mr. Windu, informed us that due to lack of funding,... (What?! Good going, Windu! Forget about in my house holding your Promise Keepers' meetings, you can!!)


The collateral for your loan was made against your vested interest in the “Midichlorian Retirement Fund”...due to lack of funding...(Tell you let me, fully "vested" in my lightsaber I am! Use it to renegotiate the terms of this contract, I may.)


So angry I am, spit I could! I think that to some Dolly listen and a nice bubble bath take, I will. Too upset to talk anymore right now I am.


[A special thanks to dgarmbust@*******.*** for sending this letter.]



Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Beefcake Extravaganza

Very embarrassed I am. Misunderstood I had, what many of you commenters meant when talking about Kenobi you were. Know what young people mean, when "hottie" they call someone, I did not. Apparently, when "hot" they called Kenobi, that attractive he is, they meant. Also, it means (get this) that supposed to be sexy he is! A shocker to me that was! Oh well, no accounting for taste there is. (So many nights, his temperature I was taking - all that trouble, for nothing it was!)

So to thinking this got me. Ladies, if Kenobi you like, other men that like you would, there are. So, for your viewing pleasure, this Parade of Hunks I present!


Obi_WanKenobi

If Kenobi you like, then also like you will...


Grizzly_AdamsGrizzly Adams!


Kenny_RogersKenny Rogers!


Willie_NelsonWillie Nelson!


Uncle_JesseUncle Jesse!


ZZ_TopZZ Top!

Enjoy, ladies! Do much drooling you will, sure I am.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ask Yoda

Just read Senator Amidala's post, I have. Went swimming with dolphins, I did not. Go to a Dolly Fan convention I did. Getting old this is. Slur my words, I do? Even like dolphins I do not. Creeps me out, that sound they make, "Hehehehehehe". Laughing at me they are.

Anyway, answer more of your questions, I will:

Actual emails

"i am a fox but beleve me no one will not. have any
ideas to help me do you.
-Ian J."

Answer: Ian, hang out with drunk people, you should. Instantly more attractive you will be.

Another email...

"If you had to go into exile (may the force forbid it) and you could go anywhere in the galaxy, where would you go?
-Danny F."

Answer: Schenectady. Know where it is, I do not, but fun to say it is!

Another email...

"Master Yoda, I have always wondered-was the late,
great, Qui-Gon Jinn a pothead?
-Guinistasia B."

Answer: Shortly before he died, take a "random" drug test, we made him. Tell you let me, more than midiclorians in his pee there was! But confidential that is, so tell anyone do not.

From your comments...

Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator: [on cleaning Wookie poo from my airspeeder] Is it concievable and within your Force powers to lift the particulate matter that is causing the odor and remove it from the vehicle? Size matters not.
Answer: Jon, thought way too much about this, you have.

hc_godess: I think Kenobi is hotter than Anakin
Guinistasia: Kenobi's hot, but kinda clueless.
Answer:
Said that "hot" Kenobi is, many of you have. Concerned me, these comments have. So monitoring his temperature for the last several days, I have been. In his mouth, sneak a thermometer I do when sleeping he is. That more accurate, sticking the thermomoter somewhere else is, I have read. But that concerned I am not! Anyway, 98.6 degrees his temperature has been, the whole time. Well, except for that time when passed out drunk in the jacuzzi, he was. But count that does not. So put your minds at ease, you can. Your concern for Kenobi's welfare, we appreciate.


If questions for Yoda you have, email me at askyoda@gmail.com or leave them in the comments, you can. Respond to or use all of your emails I may not. Edit your emails or comments I may. My blog this is. Do whatever I want, I can.


Sunday, June 05, 2005

Guest Poster: Padmé Amidala

Padme

This is so cool! Like, I've never even done a blog before, you know? I am so totally jazzed!
'Kay, so here goes.

So like, there have been these totally bogus rumors going around about me and this guy Anakin right? And they are so totally not true. I mean, I'm not even in to him, you know? So I've been totally bummed. I mean people have to be so lame about it. Like this Obi-Wan guy, who's supposed to be a big deal Jedi or something, but he's like, totally gross and smells like beer all the time. Anyways, he's always being a total Rufus, and he's all like, "Annie and Padmé sitting in a tree..." Like, so mature.

So me and my best girlfriend Sabé were in the mall talking about it, right? And, oh my god, you should've seen the shoes she had on! They were these cute little black Pradas with the spike heels and the silver buckles on them. Eh my gawd, they were like, so gorgeous! I could've just died, you know? So what was I saying? Oh, yeah. So like she was all like, "Why aren't you into Anakin? He's a total hottie."

And I'm like, "Yah, but he's a kid, and like, I'm a Senator. Hullo!"

But Sabé's totally jonesing for him. So I start talking about this Obi-Wan guy and how he's being like a total jerk about it, and she's like, "Maybe he's jealous. I heard from my friend's boyfriend, who has a sister who dates this clone trooper, who like talks to that Obi-Wan guy all the time, that he's kinda into you."

I'm like, "Oh, he is so totally not into me!"

And she's like, "Oh, he is so totally crushing on you!"

And I'm like, "No way!"

And she's like, "Way!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh, girlfriend!"

"Get out!"

"You get out!"

"Get out!"

And she's like, "It's totally true. My friend's boyfriend's sister's boyfriend would never lie about something like that. It's like an oath Clone Troopers take or something. He has so got the hots for you."

Well, it doesn't matter, anyway, because he's like so totally gross and he's always got, like Cheetos crumbs in his beard and stuff. And he never, like cleans his ears, so he's got all this grody wax coming out of them. It's like how does he even hear, you know? And his robe looks like he hasn't changed it in, like, a year, and like he probably uses the sleeves to wipe his nose. And like, I don't know if he ever brushes his teeth, but they sure don't look like it. And like don't get me started on his shoes, 'cause like, I'm not even going to go there! I mean, he's like totally gross. Even if I was like, into older guys, which I'm totally not, but if I were, there'd be no way I'd go out with this guy.

So, I gotta like, wrap it up, 'cause Master Yoda said I have to keep it under 600 words, which is like so lame, you know? Like, how can you say anything important in just 600 words? But he'll be back tomorrow anyways, so have fun swimming with the dolphins, Master Yoda!

So, anyways, I gotta blaze now, 'cause Annie, I mean, young Jedi Skywalker, is going to pick me up in a few, but it's like, totally official Republic business. It's not like a date or anything. Because we are totally not going out. So talk to ya later, 'kay?

Kisses,
Padmé

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Garage Sale Hopping

Yesterday morning, riding in my airspeeder Kenobi, Windu, Young Skywalker and I were. Like giving those guys a ride I do not. Keep my airspeeder nice, I try. A good way to mess up something, letting those guys touch it is. Also, take long trips with those guys I try not. Take Kenobi and Young Skywalker loudly singing "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall" only so many times, I can. But my time to go garage sale hopping, Saturday mornings are. This time, on going with me, they all insisted.

Going well the morning was. Found some old Dolly Parton LPs I had. Another neon Budwiser light for his room, Kenobi got. A "Buns of Steel" video Windu had bought. A "With Stupid I Am" T-shirt that fit him, Young Skywalker had found. Considering that most of his time with Kenobi he spends, appropriate this was.

At one point, back in the airspeeder we all got. Something bad I smelled. Not the usual funk that from those guys comes, it was. "Stepped in Wookie, someone has," I said.

"Smell anything I do not," Kenobi said.

Right away, the airspeeder I pulled over. Everyone get out and their shoes check, I made. Sure enough, Kenobi it was. And tracked it all inside my airspeeder he had! Never his shoes he checks, before inside my airspeeder getting. Like giving these guys a ride I do not, this is why!

Hose down my airspeeder really well we did, but airing it out I still am. Scotch-guard it, I must.

(If questions for Yoda you have, post them in comments or email them to askyoda@gmail.com, you can. Maybe in his regular Ask Yoda feature they will appear.)

Call Me Do Not, Call You I Will

Tonight, a call from one of those annoying telemarketers, I received. Irritated I was. Watching my favorite Mary Kate and Ashley movie I was. The one where they go to Paris, it was. No wait, the one where to Rome they go, it was. Tell the difference between their movies I cannot. Anyway, interrupt me this telemarketer person did. Supposed to get these calls I am not. On the "Call Do Not" list I am.

Like this the conversation went:

"Hello, is Mr. Mace Window there?"

"If Mace Windu you mean, not here he is."

"I'm sorry, did you say he is there?"

"No, not here he is."

"He is there?"

"No! Not here he is. Speak English you do not?"

"I don't what?"

"Speak English."

"I'm sorry. Are you saying I don't speak English?"

"No, a question that was."

"What was?"

"'Speak English you do not?'!"

"Oh, wait I understand. You're trying to tell me you don't speak English. One of my co-workers speaks Spanish. I'll get her on the phone."

"No, wait!" I said, but too late it was.

The rest of the conversation I spent saying, "Español, no hablo... Inglés hablo... ¿Inglés, Usted habla?... No, una pregunta, eso era."

Annoyed in two languages I was!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Missing This Woman Is

Jennifer Wilbanks

Seen this woman, have you? Missing she is. Supposed to start work today here at the Jedi Temple she was. But, disappeared she has! Her house we called, no answer there was. Very concerned we were. Finally, call us she did. She said kidnapped she has been! Know where she was, she did not. But nice of the kidnappers it was, letting her call into work. Thoughtful, some criminals can be. Anyway, if anything about this you know, call the police immediately you should. If her you see, tell her that a ring she left here.

In the mean time, someone to answer the phones and some filing do, we need. Maybe hire a temp we will. If a job someone you know needs, tell them about us you should. Good dental plan and 401K we have.

In other news, find out today I did that for Firefox users with 800 x 600 screen resolution, blocked out by that big obnoxious eBay ad, some of the text in this blog was. Like to thank Bellringr for the heads up, I would. A smaller ad in its place, I put. If any more problems you have, let me know you should.

My stupid intern's fault it is. In charge with designing this blog I put him. During his interview, that HTML he knew, he told me. Out it turns, even know how to spell HTML he does not. On the other hand, nice, having an intern is. Work him like a dog you can, have to pay him you do not! A valuable learning experience, they call it. Right now, learning to wax my airspeeder he is.

Perfect this site's design is not. If HTML you know, and suggestions you have, let me know you can.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Ask Yoda

When wise as I am, you are, many questions people ask you. Many questions. Never they stop! Sometimes, at 3:00 in the morning with their questions people call me. No wonder it is, that on top of mountains, so many gurus live! Also, unlisted most gurus' numbers are, so that receive calls in the middle of the night they do not.

So that call me in the middle of the night you do not, starting a regular feature called "Ask Yoda" I am. To askyoda@gmail.com, email your questions you can. Also, in the comments leave your questions you can. Use your full name or email address, or give out your private information, I will not. Guarantee that receive a reply to your email you will I can not. Nor promise to answer every question will I. Edit your comments or emails when quoting them here I may. My blog it is. Do whatever I want, I can.

Here, some of your questions are.

Actual emails...

"Dear Master Yoda,
I have two questions to ask you, so here they are.
#1) How did you become a jedi?
#2) Who trained you?

- Paul K."

Answer: Paul, over 800 years ago that was. Remember what for breakfast this morning I ate, I can not.

Another email...

"waz up yoda im your fav fan plz send back

-Graham R.
darthmaul***@******.com"


Answer:
Graham,

Read your message, I have. At first, a loyal fan you appeared to be.
But then, look at your email address, I did. A Sith Lord you are!

On the other hand, write in complete sentences a Sith Lord would. Punctuation they use, proper spelling too. But instead, like Jar Jar Binks you speak. Very confusing it is.


From your comments...


The Pink Kitty: Can the force take stains out?
Answer: Yes, but take out tough stains only the Force with Extra Whitening Action can. For everything else, the Force with Lemony Mountain Fresh scent I use.

The Truffle: [on possible ways to discipline Young Skywalker] How about having him read to little Padawans and change their diapers?
Answer: Potty-trained before coming to the Academy all Padawans must be. Otherwise get through the application process they will not. Do diapers I do not. Make me gag, they do.

Guinistasia: [same topic] Make him watch nothing but Full House reruns?
Answer: Unfortunately, outlawed in the Republic, cruel and unusual punishment is. Incidentally, so is Full House.

NYPinta: Feed Jar Jar to hungry wookies you should. If he gets killed, is it really your fault?
Answer: Bad for the Wookies that would be. Allergic to idiots, most of them are. Also give them indigestion, it would. Want to be around a Wookie with heartburn, you do not!


If questions for Yoda you have, email him or comment you can.