Wednesday, June 29, 2005
A Goober, Kenobi Is
|Waiting for me at the Jedi Temple when I got home, R2D2 was. Sent him, Senator Amidala had. How long waiting there he had been, I know not.|
Before me a holographic image of Senator Amidala, R2 projected. "Help me, Master Yoda," she said, "My only hope you are. An emergency situation... szktzz"
Static there was, then Undertaker from WWE appeared. "Coming after you, I am, Booker T! Hear me, do you?!..."
"Kenobi!" I yelled. "Your butt in here, get right now!"
Out from the bathroom ran Kenobi, zipping up and on his robe wiping his hands. Stuck to his boots, toilet paper was.
"Taped over an important message from Senator Amidala with your stupid wrestling you have!"
"Me it was not!" he said, "See me do it, no one did. Prove anything you can not!"
"Then whose cheesy orange finger prints on the front of R2, these are? Hmm?"
Busted, he was. Time to lock Kenobi in the closet again it is, I think.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Too Much, The Honesty Is
|Relaxing, the evening was at first. Sitting on the couch I was, my latest fan letter to Dolly I was writing. Almost a week since written my last one, it has been. More serious about that, I need to be.|
Meanwhile, watching his Ernest Goes to Camp DVD for the 47th time, Kenobi was. Laughing loudly at all the same parts he was. Around his head, a large orange cloud of Cheeto dust floated. Enjoying himself he was.
Just fine everything was, then up from his Tiger Beat magazine Windu looked, and said, "You know, a good talk we all should have."
"Not again," Kenobi said.
"No, serious I am," said Windu, "Never we talk."
"A reason for that there is," I muttered.
"Really honest, I want us to be," Windu continued. "Open up to each other more we should. Our feelings we should talk about. Your feelings about things I want to know."
"Right now," Kenobi said, "feelin' the urge to take a leak, I am." Then, loudly he belched as his beer can he crushed on his forehead. Seem to notice he did not, that still full of beer it was. Know about that boy I do not.
Then about his feelings Windu droned on and on. He says that every once in a while, a hug he needs. Hmph! Hug himself he can. Wash his robe more regularly he must, before a hug from me he gets!
Spammed I Am
|That in my email much "spam" I received lately, my stupid intern informed me. At first, excited I was, because nothing to eat all day I had. But then what spam is, he told me. Very curious these messages are. (By the way, what part of a pig, the spam is?)|
To look at her cam, a nice lady named Shawna wanted me. But a mechanic I am not, so help her with her engine trouble I could not.
Also, know I did not that in my area many "sexy singles" live. To meet me, they want. Why, I know not.
From a nice man on Planet Nigeria, came one message. Some help handling some extra money he needs. If he could use my bank account, he asked. Always willing to help I am, but unfortunately, all my money in my Scooby-Doo piggy bank I keep. A bank account Windu has, so Windu's account number to this man, I sent. Make lots of money from this, Windu will. So surprised he will be.
Updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. Also, written a movie review on his other blog he has. About a bat with super powers it is, I think. Called Superbat Starts or something it is.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Pierce WHAT, You Want To?!
|Angry with me, Young Skywalker is. To get pierced in a very weird place he wanted. Even know that was possible, I did not. Of course, allow him I did not.|
"Whack, this is! My body it is, yo! Got nothing to do with it you ain't!" so eloquently, he put it.
"As long as under this roof, you live, abide by my rules, you will!"
"A grown man, I am!" he yelled as his foot he stomped, "a man, a man, a man!"
At that point, bulging a large vein in my forehead started. Then, twitching nervously, I was. Got this many times I have, when arguing with Young Skywaker.
Stress it is, my doctor said. Unfortunately, surgically remove Young Skywalker, er, the stress I mean, from me, he can not. Doing something that relaxes me, the doctor recommended. Only two things that relax me, there are: Clog dancing, and Japanese Haiku.
So, entered a Haiku contest I have. What written I have, here is:
Cherry blossoms bloom;
My Dolly CD's he broke
What! Oh, wookie snot!
So, think what, do you?
Maybe notice some of you have, that popping up, a lot of blogs written by my fellow Jedi and others, have been. Just like to say I would, that doing a good job they are! If checked them out you have not, you should. Very entertaining they are. They include: Kenobi, Aayla Secura, Senator Amidala, Qui Gon Jinn, JawaJuice, the Jar Jars, Han Solo, Chewbacca, Fluke Starbucker. With the Dark Side they are, but admit I have to, that doing a good job Count Dooku and General Grievous are too! Comment here regularly most of them do, so find links to their blogs in their profiles, you can.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Loogies, Hee-Haw, and Reality TV
|Working at the Jedi Temple today, our cable was not. Going crazy everyone was. Without TV, forced to talk to each other we are. So see you can, why so important here, television is.|
Still, good for Kenobi to go a day without his wrestling and Hee-Haw reruns it was. And a break from BET, Young Skywalker needed. Needed to watch another movie on Lifetime, Windu did not.
Watch much TV I do not. On the air anymore, one show I was watching is not. A reality show it was. Called Star Trek: Enterprise it was. About this group of people stuck on a ship together, it was. For someone to get voted off the ship, I kept waiting. But voted off no one got. What the point was, I know not. No wonder, cancelled it was.
Anyway, so bored Kenobi and Young Skywalker got, that "hawking loogies" off of one of the temple balconies they started. Having contests for accuracy, size, and distance they were. Kill them to read a book, would it? Have been so bad, it would not, if walking below, a delegation of senators were not. To hide when the Senators looked up, Kenobi and Young Skywalker tried. But going to take the heat for this, I was not! Rat them out, I did. Much explaining to do, they have now. But deserve it they do. To the Dark Side, using the Force to control one's loogies leads.
Updated his blog, my stupid intern has. Posted about some silly movie about a bat who fights crime, he has. Called Superbat Starts it is, I think. Also update his fiction blog this weekend, he will. As if care, anyone does.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Lost It Kenobi Has
|Worried about Kenobi I am. Taking the fake TV wrestling too seriously, he is. Started wearing wrestling tights, he has. Now around the temple in his colorful tights, hooded mask, and cape he walks. On being called "The Kenobinator" he insists. Better than the first name he thought of, "Captain Cheeto", it is.|
Other rejected wrestling names for Kenobi:
Captain Poo-poo Head (This one, Windu suggested)
Obi-ONE HAND (What this means, I know not)
Obi-Wan the Bearded Bomb
Bubba the Barbarian
Brain Dead Ben (My idea, this was)
Benny Beer Belly
Count Von Kickenbutt (Just stupider it got, after this one)
Gotten out of hand, it has. The other day, Windu suggested that fake, TV wrestling might be. Really mad, Kenobi got. In something called a "Sleeper Hold", he put Windu. "Feel fake, this does?!" he yelled. Finally, take it back, Windu did, right before passing out.
Now, "smack" Kenobi talks all the time. Very loud he is, too. Just this morning, this he yelled at me:
"You think you're tough, little man?! You think you got what it takes to beat me?! Well, you ain't, man!! You ain't got what it takes to beat my Grandma! Do you hear me, boy?! When I get through with you, you're gonna go cryin' home to your Mama!! That's right, man!! I... AM GOING... TO TAKE... YOU... DOWWWWWWN!!!!!!!!"
Why the need to use a microphone he felt, I know not.
Afraid to walk through the front door I am. Know I do not, if off a bookcase Kenobi is about to jump and to the ground, pin me. I wish that use the living room as his own personal "death match cage" he would not. Broken several lamps, he has.
Lost it, he has.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
An Evening With Mr. Cruise
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
More Wisdom for the Ages
|Just read Senator Amidala's post, I have. "Ant eating"? Ant eating I was not. An ardvaark I am not! Antiquing I was. Getting |
Anyway, compiled more of my wisdom for you, I have. Very fortunate you are. For this, I charge most people. Very good to you, I am.
So, here it is:
More Gems of Yoda's Wisdom
- Yes, like a giant booger with a face on it, Jabba the Hutt looks. But tell him that do not!
- Leave a trail of bread crumbs near your clothes dryer, you should. That way, get lost, your socks will not.
- Spayed or neutered, have your Wookie.
- The only good spider, a dead spider is.
- Finding Waldo, a proper use of the Force is not.
- Never look a gift bantha in the mouth - like to spit, they do.
- Size matters not, but learn what mine is, you should, before clothes you buy me.
- Hold up as a defense in court, "Stupid is as stupid does" will not. Trust me, tried this on more than one occasion Kenobi has.
- Beware of strangers bearing Jesus Juice, you should.
- Play "Spin the Lightsaber" with Jar Jar Binks you should not, no matter how lonely you may be.
No doubt, much wiser you feel now. Welcome, you are.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Guest Poster: Padmé Amidala [Topic: Totally!]
The Other Woman
Please, tell Dolly this, do not! But another woman in my life there is. Sandra Bullock, her name is. So pretty, she is. *sigh*
Think do you, that a chance for a beautiful movie star like her and a powerful Jedi master like me, there is? Sure, a small height difference there is. But mind tall women, I do not. Besides, a more handsome fellow than me, could she find? Think so, I do not.
As see from the picture, you can, a couple of Sandra movies and a pint of Phish Food, a perfect evening for me is. Yes, I know. Girlie movies in my hands, those are. But, care I do not! Take Sandra any way I can get her, I will! Besides, only so many times, watch Speed and Speed II, I can. (By the way, so different in the second movie, Keanu looks. Why that is?)
A special thanks to Valerie for the picture.
Updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. So what? Want a medal, does he? Also, check out his other blog you can.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Dress Him Up You Can, Take Him Anywhere You Can Not
|Today, dinner at Chez Republique, we had. Take Kenobi to a nice restaurant, I can not. Know why I try I do not. The manners of a retarded baby monkey, he has.|
Told him a million times I have, appropriate, asking the Maitre D' to "pull my finger" is not. Also, considered good manners, making those armpit noises every time down someone sits, is not. And no, Kenobi, impressed that make those noises in perfect harmony you and Young Skywalker can, I am not! Impressed the band was not, either. Playing fine, without you two "playing bass" they were.
Everything he eats, Kenobi wears. Finish a meal, Kenobi cannot, unless a "souvenir" on his robe he collects. "Saving it for later" he says he is. Apparently, much later he means, since older than Young Skywalker, some of the stains on his robe are.
At least, gotten a little better it has since grown the beard he has. Now, catch some of the gravy, spaghetti sauce, cheap bear, and bean dip, his beard does. Unfortunately, in no hurry to clean that out either, he is.
When take it anymore I cannot, with a pressure washer, I spray him. Yes, sting Kenobi a little it does. On occasion, taken off some of Kenobi's skin, it has. But a small price to pay that is, so that look at his stain collection, I do not.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Thursday, June 16, 2005
No, Windu, No
Windu, telling you this I am because your friend I am. Trying to "hate on you" as Young Skywalker says, I am not. But one of the worst toupees ever seen I have, that is. Believe that your hair that is, no one will. Besides backwards on your head you have it, it looks like.
Any better, these wigs are not:
Like a Chia Pet with Rabies, this looks.
Like a dirty mop died on your head, this looks.
Look, what those people at Hair Club for Men tell you, believe not. Only to sell you more hairpieces they want! Kenobi I told, that a bad idea, getting you a membership there was. Listen to your friends, you should. And promise you we do, that stop laughing at you in a couple of days we will. Just, please, take off that stupid toupee you must!
Checked out my stupid intern's other blogs have you?
Bill Johnson's Fiction Bill Johnson's Blog
Movie Night - or - Why Never On Time, Wookies Are
|Movie night, tonight was. Unfortunately, Windu's turn to pick the movie, it was. Choose Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, he did. Always a chick-flick he chooses. Never a James Bond film or one of those movies with Jedi Master Jackie Chan he wants.|
He said like a good cry having, he felt. But movie or no movie, like that, he always feels! He says more sensitive, we need to be. Be more in touch with our feminine side we should. Mmph! The only side Windu has, his feminine side is. And a whiny, crybaby it has to be.
Anyway, in town, Chewbacca is, so him we invited. A big mistake, that was! Get nowhere on time you can, when a Wookie you bring. The reason, this is:
Supposed to be ready to leave at 7pm, we were. But no less than 3 hours to get ready, it takes a Wookie. Rush a Wookie you do not! And of course, perfect, Chewbacca's hair had to be.
To share his curling iron with Chewie, Young Skywalker tried. But know he did not that go near a Wookie with a hot curling iron, you should not. His good arm, Young Skywalker almost lost.
Maybe, post such an embarrassing picture I should not, you think? Well, payback, this is. You see, an embarrassing photo of me on his blog, Chewbacca posted. So, whatever do you, click this link and look at it, do not! Explain that picture I must, I feel. An experimental time, the 60's were. Some things I did, that proud of I am not. But inhale, I did not! Destroy all the negatives, Chewbacca would, he promised me. A way to treat frat brothers, this is not!
Thanks to Fluke Starbucker for the Chewbacca picture.
Just updated his fiction blog, my stupid intern has. Check out his other blog, too, you might.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Count Dooku: Watch Your Back, You Better!
|Gotten to the bottom of last night's spider incident, I have. That the spider in my bed someone planted, I found out! What's more, Count Dooku it was! Know how past Security he got, I do not.|
Shocked I was when this I learned. Oh, no he did not! I thought. It, that is! On now, it is! On like Donkey Kong, it is! Hear me, do you, Dooku? Mine you are, boy! When last time we met, schooled you got. Well, need your pencil and notebook you will, because back in session class is!
My revenge, plan carefully I must. In the mean time, take Chewbacca for his walk I will. Stop in Dooku's yard we will. Like to see the expression on Dooku's face I would, when a few Wookie "land mines" in his yard he finds!
Still, afraid to go to bed I am. But taken precautions I have. Plugged in an extra Scooby-Doo nite lite, I have. Scared of Scooby-Doo nite lites, spiders are, so OK I should be.
Updated "Bill Johnson's Blog", my stupid intern has. Update his fiction blog soon, he will. Check them out, you should.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Like Spiders I Do NOT!
Like spiders I do not! As see from this picture you can, terrified of them I am. Last night this happened, when getting ready for bed I was. When the sheets I turned down, there a big hairy spider was! The crap it scared out of me! My jammies, I almost wet.
For help I yelled, and in running with their lightsabers drawn, came Kenobi and Young Skywalker. With his shoe, Kenobi wacked the spider. Then making fun of me, they started.
"The matter what is? Scared of a little-bitty spider, mighty Yoda is?"
Funny it is not! Very serious, my fear of spiders is. Back to my childhood it dates. One day, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for me, my mommy had. But something weird in it I tasted. The bread I opened, and there part of a big hairy spider was! Very traumatic, that was for me. Ever since then, afraid of spiders I have been. Also a fear of peanut butter and jelly I have.
Besides, "little-bitty" this spider last night was not! Big and hairy, it was. The worst kind that is, too. Looking at me with its many little eyes it was. Tell, I could. Wanted to bite Yoda, it did!
Oh, and "scream like a little girl" I did not, no matter what from Young Skywalker you hear!
Mentioned my stupid intern before, I have. Help typing this blog I need because only two fingers and thumb on each hand I have. Nothing to me, the home row means! So my stupid intern, I use. Anyway, created another blog he has. That he can write fiction, he thinks. Yeah, right.
Also, to mention he wants me, that always meant to be funny his new blog is not. Know why he needed me to mention that, I do not. Read his other blog I have, and think funny it is either, I do not.
Well, care about this I do not, but if mentioned it I did not, whine about it he would. Just check it out so have to hear him complain, I do not.
Kenobi, Big Words, and Teletubbies
|Watching NASCAR today Kenobi was. Understand this game, I do not. Nowhere, the cars go. Just round and round in circles, they drive.|
Of course, enough to entertain Kenobi that is. Mesmerized just by flashing colors he is.
When Masterpiece Theater I suggested to him, his bag of Cheetos he threw at me. Watch anything on PBS he would, I wish. Well, except Barney the Purple Dinosaur. The Dark Side, that is. But at this point, more intellectual than the garbage Kenobi usually watches, even Teletubbies would be.
"PBS?" he said, "That's that there channel what uses all them big words, ain't it?"
Been this bad, it has not, since on the air TGIF was. Getting dumber by the minute he is. Afraid I am, that if one more episode of Jerry Springer he watches, unable to tie his own shoes he will be.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
|Attention Windu: Asking me "Look infected to you, this does?" please stop! Tried to be polite I have, but take it anymore I can not! Getting gross it is now.|
That pop the thing already, you would, I wish. Kill you, it will not. Bleed that much it can not. But quit picking at it you must. Worse, scratching makes it.
And showing it to company and anyone else you meet, please please stop. Embarrass me at last night's state dinner, you did. Sure I am, that want to look at it in the middle of her meal, the First Lady did not. Trying to eat her conch fritters, she was. Now, never come here again, they will!
Freak out you should not, just because growing from it some hair is. Some tweezers to it, take, and alone about it, leave me! Much trouble going to sleep I have now, because burned into my brain, the image of it is. See it anymore I can not.
Obviously, working the Ginko-Biloba is not. But if see a doctor you will not, then shut up! Care what color it is today, I do not! Interested in guessing what celebrity it looks like, I am not! If one more time to me you show it, treat it with "lightsaber therapy" I will!
|More of my wisdom, share with you I will.|
Word on the street is that you sing Michael Bolton tunes in the Jedi Temple?
Strictly against the Jedi Code, singing, humming, and/or playing Michael Bolton is. In immediate expulsion from the Jedi Order it results. The Dark Side, "Darth Screechy Voice" is.
Having such small body mass, does it only take one or two beers to put you away?
Hold my liquor I can! More than two beers it takes. A wussie I am not. Unfortunately, though, small my bladder is. Make many trips to the little Padawan's room I must, before even buzzed I get.
From Your Comments:
Byron Bay Jedi -
1) Miss Piggy have you ever met?
Answer: Run in the same circles, Miss Piggy and I do not. However, if not mistaken I am, a mutual acquaintance we have.
2) Concerned about Australia I am. A Sith Lord their Prime Minister appaears to be. Your opinion on this i would be interested to hear.
Answer: Familiar with the politics on Planet Australia I am not. In which system is that? Near Tattoine that is?
Wookie Hobbit- Is cheese healthy for Chewbacca?
Answer: No. The "runs" it gives him. Want to deal with that, you do not! ... Perhaps shared too much I have.
Robin- Why do Jedi padawans have those brush cuts with the little braids hanging down?
Answer: Because know how to cut a Mullet, the Jedi barber does not.
If questions for Yoda you have, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave them in the comments, you can. Use your email or comment I may not. If your email I use, edit it, I may. Guarantee that reply to every email I will, I can not. And please, family-friendly your comments keep!
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Jesus, Elvis, and Me
|At a flea market in Mexico I was the other day, when upon a wonderful surprise I stumbled. Bestowed upon me by the people of your planet, a great honor has been. An honor reserved for the greatest among your people it is. First Jesus, then Elvis, and now, my turn it is. See here you can, that painted on black velvet, my portrait has been!|
In fine company I am - the Son of God, the King of Rock 'n' Roll, and those really smart dogs who poker can play!
I know complain I should not, but handsome as I am this painting is not. Remember posing for it I do not. On the other hand, if mistaken I am not, pose for many of their black velvet paintings Jesus and Elvis did not either. Sure about that, I am not. Maybe ask someone, I should.
Thanks, Tana for the picture.
By the way, posted about me,Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
This letter I received today. Explains why stuck with the crumby house on Dagobah, I got. Fair this is not! Read it you can. Sick it makes me.
Tower 4, Jedi Square, Suite 17723
Capitol City, Coruscant 82719AHHB-88361
It has come to our attention that you are not totally pleased with your recent purchase of the residence on Dagobah (Property reference DGB3362). Information about your “blog” came to our attention via one of our associates.
It is our policy here at Galactic Timeshare™ to try and make all of our “family members” as happy as possible with their new purchase. Consequently, I have looked into your situation and found some items that you need to be aware of.
1) As was pointed out to you in your original application, our properties are desired by some of the most affluent people in this parsec. Most of our clients have substantial wealth or higher-than-average incomes to aid with their purchase. You do seem to be lacking any regular income and your property selection was lowered accordingly.
2) As part of your loan application you listed several fellow “Jedi Knights” as references. Further investigation into these persons revealed that none of them meet any of the minimum criteria to own properties, so they are not valid as references.
3) The collateral for your loan was made against your vested interest in the “Midichlorian Retirement Fund”. When we looked into your vestment, the fund manager, a Mr. Windu, informed us that due to lack of funding, the amount you noted in your application did not agree with his records. He then recommended a lower-priced property for your selection.
I have attached all the other correspondence we sent to you during this time, and your final signature is available for your review at the Republic Hall of Records.
On a final note, Mr. Oda, if you are still dissatisfied with your purchase, feel free to exercise your option to forfeit your deposit and back out of the contract.
I do hope that we can come to an acceptable solution, Mr. Oda, and you will refrain from making negative comments on your web site.
Thank you for your patronage,
Mr. Ribone Acturras
Public Relations General Manager
Galactic Timeshare Corp.
The fund manager, a Mr. Windu, informed us that due to lack of funding,... (What?! Good going, Windu! Forget about in my house holding your Promise Keepers' meetings, you can!!)
So angry I am, spit I could! I think that to some Dolly listen and a nice bubble bath take, I will. Too upset to talk anymore right now I am.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Monday, June 06, 2005
|Just read Senator Amidala's post, I have. Went swimming with dolphins, I did not. Go to a Dolly Fan convention I did. Getting old this is. Slur my words, I do? Even like dolphins I do not. Creeps me out, that sound they make, "Hehehehehehe". Laughing at me they are.|
Anyway, answer more of your questions, I will:
"i am a fox but beleve me no one will not. have any
ideas to help me do you.
Answer: Ian, hang out with drunk people, you should. Instantly more attractive you will be.
"If you had to go into exile (may the force forbid it) and you could go anywhere in the galaxy, where would you go?
Answer: Schenectady. Know where it is, I do not, but fun to say it is!
"Master Yoda, I have always wondered-was the late,
great, Qui-Gon Jinn a pothead?
Answer: Shortly before he died, take a "random" drug test, we made him. Tell you let me, more than midiclorians in his pee there was! But confidential that is, so tell anyone do not.
From your comments...
Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator: [on cleaning Wookie poo from my airspeeder] Is it concievable and within your Force powers to lift the particulate matter that is causing the odor and remove it from the vehicle? Size matters not.
Answer: Jon, thought way too much about this, you have.
hc_godess: I think Kenobi is hotter than Anakin
Guinistasia: Kenobi's hot, but kinda clueless.
Said that "hot" Kenobi is, many of you have. Concerned me, these comments have. So monitoring his temperature for the last several days, I have been. In his mouth, sneak a thermometer I do when sleeping he is. That more accurate, sticking the thermomoter somewhere else is, I have read. But that concerned I am not! Anyway, 98.6 degrees his temperature has been, the whole time. Well, except for that time when passed out drunk in the jacuzzi, he was. But count that does not. So put your minds at ease, you can. Your concern for Kenobi's welfare, we appreciate.
If questions for Yoda you have, email me at email@example.com or leave them in the comments, you can. Respond to or use all of your emails I may not. Edit your emails or comments I may. My blog this is. Do whatever I want, I can.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Guest Poster: Padmé Amidala
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Garage Sale Hopping
|Yesterday morning, riding in my airspeeder Kenobi, Windu, Young Skywalker and I were. Like giving those guys a ride I do not. Keep my airspeeder nice, I try. A good way to mess up something, letting those guys touch it is. Also, take long trips with those guys I try not. Take Kenobi and Young Skywalker loudly singing "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall" only so many times, I can. But my time to go garage sale hopping, Saturday mornings are. This time, on going with me, they all insisted.|
Going well the morning was. Found some old Dolly Parton LPs I had. Another neon Budwiser light for his room, Kenobi got. A "Buns of Steel" video Windu had bought. A "With Stupid I Am" T-shirt that fit him, Young Skywalker had found. Considering that most of his time with Kenobi he spends, appropriate this was.
At one point, back in the airspeeder we all got. Something bad I smelled. Not the usual funk that from those guys comes, it was. "Stepped in Wookie, someone has," I said.
"Smell anything I do not," Kenobi said.
Right away, the airspeeder I pulled over. Everyone get out and their shoes check, I made. Sure enough, Kenobi it was. And tracked it all inside my airspeeder he had! Never his shoes he checks, before inside my airspeeder getting. Like giving these guys a ride I do not, this is why!
Hose down my airspeeder really well we did, but airing it out I still am. Scotch-guard it, I must.
(If questions for Yoda you have, post them in comments or email them to firstname.lastname@example.org, you can. Maybe in his regular Ask Yoda feature they will appear.)
Call Me Do Not, Call You I Will
|Tonight, a call from one of those annoying telemarketers, I received. Irritated I was. Watching my favorite Mary Kate and Ashley movie I was. The one where they go to Paris, it was. No wait, the one where to Rome they go, it was. Tell the difference between their movies I cannot. Anyway, interrupt me this telemarketer person did. Supposed to get these calls I am not. On the "Call Do Not" list I am.|
Like this the conversation went:
"Hello, is Mr. Mace Window there?"
"If Mace Windu you mean, not here he is."
"I'm sorry, did you say he is there?"
"No, not here he is."
"He is there?"
"No! Not here he is. Speak English you do not?"
"I don't what?"
"I'm sorry. Are you saying I don't speak English?"
"No, a question that was."
"'Speak English you do not?'!"
"Oh, wait I understand. You're trying to tell me you don't speak English. One of my co-workers speaks Spanish. I'll get her on the phone."
"No, wait!" I said, but too late it was.
The rest of the conversation I spent saying, "Español, no hablo... Inglés hablo... ¿Inglés, Usted habla?... No, una pregunta, eso era."
Annoyed in two languages I was!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Missing This Woman Is
Seen this woman, have you? Missing she is. Supposed to start work today here at the Jedi Temple she was. But, disappeared she has! Her house we called, no answer there was. Very concerned we were. Finally, call us she did. She said kidnapped she has been! Know where she was, she did not. But nice of the kidnappers it was, letting her call into work. Thoughtful, some criminals can be. Anyway, if anything about this you know, call the police immediately you should. If her you see, tell her that a ring she left here.
In the mean time, someone to answer the phones and some filing do, we need. Maybe hire a temp we will. If a job someone you know needs, tell them about us you should. Good dental plan and 401K we have.
In other news, find out today I did that for Firefox users with 800 x 600 screen resolution, blocked out by that big obnoxious eBay ad, some of the text in this blog was. Like to thank Bellringr for the heads up, I would. A smaller ad in its place, I put. If any more problems you have, let me know you should.
My stupid intern's fault it is. In charge with designing this blog I put him. During his interview, that HTML he knew, he told me. Out it turns, even know how to spell HTML he does not. On the other hand, nice, having an intern is. Work him like a dog you can, have to pay him you do not! A valuable learning experience, they call it. Right now, learning to wax my airspeeder he is.
Perfect this site's design is not. If HTML you know, and suggestions you have, let me know you can.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
|When wise as I am, you are, many questions people ask you. Many questions. Never they stop! Sometimes, at 3:00 in the morning with their questions people call me. No wonder it is, that on top of mountains, so many gurus live! Also, unlisted most gurus' numbers are, so that receive calls in the middle of the night they do not.|
So that call me in the middle of the night you do not, starting a regular feature called "Ask Yoda" I am. To email@example.com, email your questions you can. Also, in the comments leave your questions you can. Use your full name or email address, or give out your private information, I will not. Guarantee that receive a reply to your email you will I can not. Nor promise to answer every question will I. Edit your comments or emails when quoting them here I may. My blog it is. Do whatever I want, I can.
Here, some of your questions are.
"Dear Master Yoda,
I have two questions to ask you, so here they are.
#1) How did you become a jedi?
#2) Who trained you?
- Paul K."
Answer: Paul, over 800 years ago that was. Remember what for breakfast this morning I ate, I can not.
"waz up yoda im your fav fan plz send back
Read your message, I have. At first, a loyal fan you appeared to be.
But then, look at your email address, I did. A Sith Lord you are!
On the other hand, write in complete sentences a Sith Lord would. Punctuation they use, proper spelling too. But instead, like Jar Jar Binks you speak. Very confusing it is.
From your comments...
The Pink Kitty: Can the force take stains out?
Answer: Yes, but take out tough stains only the Force with Extra Whitening Action can. For everything else, the Force with Lemony Mountain Fresh scent I use.
The Truffle: [on possible ways to discipline Young Skywalker] How about having him read to little Padawans and change their diapers?
Answer: Potty-trained before coming to the Academy all Padawans must be. Otherwise get through the application process they will not. Do diapers I do not. Make me gag, they do.
Guinistasia: [same topic] Make him watch nothing but Full House reruns?
Answer: Unfortunately, outlawed in the Republic, cruel and unusual punishment is. Incidentally, so is Full House.
NYPinta: Feed Jar Jar to hungry wookies you should. If he gets killed, is it really your fault?
Answer: Bad for the Wookies that would be. Allergic to idiots, most of them are. Also give them indigestion, it would. Want to be around a Wookie with heartburn, you do not!
If questions for Yoda you have, email him or comment you can.