Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Needles

Time for the Younglings to get their vaccination it was today. Having a particularly hard time, Harvey was. Afraid of needles he is.

"Hold still, Harvey," the medical droid said, "If you stop squirming we'll be done before you know it."

"But I don't wanna! I hate needles!"

"There now, Harvey," I said, "be brave you must. Imagine Kenobi acting this way, can you?"

"Actually," the droid said, "he was due for a vaccination today too. Unfortunately, he crawled under the examination table and wouldn't come out. It took five of us to drag him out. Still, it certainly wasn't pleasant after that."

"Helping you are not," I told him.

"Sorry."

"Harvey, a big boy you can be, can't you?"

"I don't wanna get a shot! No!"

"Be a baby do not. Over in a little bit it will be."

"No! It'll hurt!"

"Only a little it will hurt."

"I don't wanna! I don't wanna!"

"Harvey! Act like this a Jedi must not! Besides, if good you are, a lollipop you will get."

To stop squirming, that last part seemed to get him. Still, quiet he could not be. Still crying he was.

"Waaaaaaaah!!!!"

"There," the medical droid said, "all done."

"Waaa-, oh. That's it?" Harvey asked.

"That's it."

"Well," he said, "that wasn't so bad. Can I have my lollipop now?"

"Well," I sighed, "glad I am that over with that is."

"Actually, Master Yoda," the droid said, "my records indicate that you are due for a booster shot yourself."

"What?! No, impossible that is!"

"I'm afraid so."

"Some mistake there must be. Been a whole year since my last shot it has not."

"Oh, yes. One year and seven days, to be exact."

"Well, have to do this later we will. Very busy I am today."

"Just hop up on the table here. It won't take any time at all."

"Waaaaaaah!!!!"

Ok, proud of that I am not. But needles I hate. At least, something for my trouble I got.




















.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Please, Buy Me Clothes Do Not

Coming over for a State function, Senator Amidala was. Going to wear my best robe I was. But good enough for Windu, that was not.

"You are not wearing that, are you? Why don't you wear that suit the senator bought you."

"Like the suit I do not. The suit she bought me, but my size she knew not. Want to wear it I do not."

"Do you mean to tell me that after all the effort and thought the Senator put into buying a suit for you, you're not going to wear it? Why don't you just slap her in the face, while you're at it? Don't you have feelings? Don't you care about other people? Ooh! Sometimes you can be so thoughtless!"

Almost bad that made me feel. But then, that this is the man who likes to perform wind-tunnel tests on his head, I remembered. So sway me he did not.

But then, on the phone Senator Amidala called me. "So, Master Yoda, how do ya like that suit I got ya? Isn't it like the cutest?"

"Uh, yes, very cute it is. Very much I like it."

"So, do you, like, wear it around a lot?"

"Oh yes, all the time I wear it."

"Cool! I am so pumped about seeing you wear it tonight! Oh, could you wear it, Master Yoda? Please? Please, please, please?"

Sigh. "Ok, wear it I will."

"Cool! This is going to be so awesome! I'm going to, like, totally bring my camera and take a bunch of pictures so I can show everybody!"

"No, Senator, wait! I..."

"Gotta go! See ya tonight, 'K? Bye!"

Good grief. No way to get out of it now, there was.

Want to see me in this suit do you? Below, a picture of it is.




[Scroll down you must]









































So embarrassing this is. Please, if my size you know not, clothes do not buy me!


.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: The Splendor That Is My Head]


Last week, I shared with you people a little about the wonder, splendor, and beauty that is my body. I allowed you a glimpse of that which I can only describe as my "buns of steel". I described to you in detail the incredible attributes of my powerful posterior.

You're welcome.

Now, I'm going to tell you about another part of my magnificient mortal coil - my beautiful bald head. Yes, I've talked about it before. I explained in detail my strict moisturizing regimen. I've spoken at length about all of the shaving, waxing, polishing, and buffing that is necessary to maintain this level of shininess. When I see my reflection and gaze upon the beauty of my shiny cranium, I know that all of those hours I've spent with my head in that belt-driven bowling ball buffer were worth it.

But today, I want to talk to you about another important aspect of my beautiful shiny head. And let me tell you, there are many important aspects. But I want to focus on a single adjective that can be used to describe my wonderful noggin - aerodynamic. That's right. The smooth surface of my pretty head is perfectly aerodynamic!

We've done the appropriate wind-tunnel tests to confirm this. And for comparison, we conducted the same tests on Anakin. Of course, to acquire all of the required data, it was necessary to keep him in that wind-tunnel until he passed out. Alright, maybe it wasn't necessary. But it made me smile. And believe me, a smile on this beautiful face has become a pretty rare sight since I started living with Yoda.

In any event, the results were clear - this is one aerodynamic cranium sitting on these manly shoulders! Yes sir! My head can cut through wind like hot knife cutting through butter! As you can imagine, the day we got those test results back were one of the proudest days of my life.

Of course, we've yet to come up with any practical use for this information - yet. But you just wait until a hurricane or tornado comes through and little Timmy is stuck inside a building that's about to fall down, but no one can get to him because the wind is just too strong. Who are you going to call? Some punk that calls himself the "Chosen One"? Please, the wind would get stuck in all of that sculpting gel he puts in that hair. No, there's only one man for this job, Mace "Wind Head" Windu. Why? Because I...am...the Man! Yes sir!

Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. That is, if he can make it here on time, with all of the wind resistance just slamming up against that knobbly old head of his.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Developing, a Crisis Is

A crisis I am facing. Run out of space on the walls in my room for Dolly Parton posters I have. Already covered the ceiling I have. Also covered, the windows and mirror are. All the space in my office I have used.

Next to my room, Young Skywalker's room is. So decided I have that have to move he will. Knock down the wall between our rooms and start utilizing the extra wall space for Dolly posters I can. True it is that available no other rooms in the Temple are. But some room in Bob the Bantha's stall there is, so move in with Bob temporarily Young Skywalker can. As long as roll over in his sleep Bob does not, OK Young Skywalker will be.

Object to this, the rest of the Council will not. Stand him they can not. "Incorrigible" the Council has proclaimed him. Due to the fact that after many months of censure by the Council, stop leaving his Spider-man underoos on the bathroom floor he will not, this is.

Actually, sorry for Bob the Batha I am. Have to share his stall with Young Skywalker he will. That rub off on Bob, some of Young Skywalker's bad habits do not, I hope. A bad influence he can be.

.

Friday, February 24, 2006

New Template, Big Brother Naboo, and Other Stuff

As see you can, a new template I have. Probably tweak it a little I will make my Stupid Intern. Made him work on it some more tonight I would have, but about how tired he was, he was whining.

"Only 3 am it is! Let you sleep in tomorrow until 6 am I will!" I told him. But stop him from whining that did not. So lazy he is.

Comment on whether you love or hate the template, you can. If the design you like, go to this nice person's website you can. Blogger templates for free he has.

These nice pics for my 300th post Novy made for me.





















Also, on Big Brother Naboo this week, attacking the house, Pirates were. (Yes, sense that does not make. But better not to think too hard about these things that is.)

Anyway, as see here you can, a little weird things got:












Read all about that in my post you can.

Also, check out JawaJuice's post, you must. So good it is, too shame it puts me.


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Thursday, February 23, 2006

300th Post: So What?

So excited I was. Wait any longer I could not. Into Kenobi's room this morning I ran and up I woke him.

"Kenobi," I asked him, "Know what day this is, do you?"

"Snrrrrk. Huh? What? Don't you know what time it is? Look, Mickey's little hand is on the five. I'm not sure, but I think that means it's perty early."

"But know what day this is, do you?!"

"Tuesday?"

"Very good, Kenobi. Only two days off this time, you were. But no, what day of the week it is, asking I am not. Come on! What day is this?"

"Look, I don't even do good on pop quizzes when I'm awake. I cain't do this right now."

Disappointed I was. So into Windu's room I went. Already awake he was. Sitting in front of his huge mirror with his back to the window, he was.

"Windu! Know what today..."

"Shh! Don't disturb me. Can't you see I'm waiting for the Sun to rise over my head! I can't miss this. It's very solemn!"

"But know what today is, do you?"

"Judging from how excited you are, I'd have to say it's the day of the week that Twinkies get delivered to the Temple."

"No! Tomorrow that is! What day is this? Guess you must!"

"You know how afraid of guessing games I am!"

"Know you do not?! My 300th post it will be today!"

"Hm."

"All you have to say that is? Excited are you not? Surely, presents you got me. Maybe a party you are going to throw me."

"We threw you a party and gave you presents on your 100th post, and then again on your 2ooth. When is it going to stop? You post every day, man! How long are we supposed to celebrate the fact that you don't have a life? You already make us celebrate both your Jedi anniversary and the anniversary of the day you became a Jedi Master, as well as whenever you get a response to one of your thousands of fan letters to Dolly Parton, whenever one of your varicose veins goes away, and about hundred other things. Frankly, I for one am getting tired of it! Contrary to what you may think, everything is not all about You, all the time! It's about time you... Dang! You made me miss the sun rising over my head! Get out of my room! Get out!"

Pretty dejected I felt. Around the Temple I wondered. Eventually in the parking garage I found myself. Down in Bob the Bantha's stall I sat. Next to me, Bob came and sat. Then over he leaned, and my face he started licking. Up to me he nuzzled. Then that content, purring sound he started to make.

"At least, me you love, Bob," I said. Much better I was feeling. Have a bantha everyone should have. "Of course, Bob, feel loved Windu will not when later today leave a 'present' in his shoes you will."


.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: My Super Power]




You people are going to think I'm crazy when I tell you this, but that's alright. I can handle it. You can't be the man Mace Windu is without being able to accept the disbelief of the uninformed and uneducated. So I will tell you this in spite of your disbelief, your lack of faith, your smirking cynicism, and your urge to mock me, which I'm sure you will have after I tell you this. That's how you people are. You may not be ready for this, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I have a super power.

You read that right. Your eyes are not deceiving you. I have a super power. No, I can't fly. I can't climb walls or see through them. I don't have heat vision or metal claws that come out of my hand. I can't freeze things with my mind. I can't shrink to the size of a peanut (What the heck kind of super power is that, anyway? I mean, how does that help you fight evil super villians?). No, my super power is much more important than any of those.

You see, I have buns of steel. That's right, buns of steel. Try not to be intimidated.

I am telling you, I have the firmest, most steel-like buns a human being could have. Yes, sir! These bad boys are indestructible! There is no beating them! Sharp knives? Won't even make a scratch. Blaster fire? Bounces right off.

This power, coupled with the blinding shininess of my beautiful head, makes me unstoppable! That's right! There is no stopping Mace Windu, no sir!

But, with great power comes great responsiblity. The lessons of Spider-man are not lost on me. That's why I am determined to use the power of my buns of steel only for good, not evil. So you can just rest tight about that.

Not that it matters, but Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. I am sure he'll have something far less important to talk about.

.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Kenobi and Me at the Chinese Buffet

Down the street from the Jedi Temple, a new Chinese restaurant opened last Wednesday. One of those all-you-can eat buffet restaurants, it is. So of course, try it out, Kenobi just had to. It just so happened that a coupon I had. Besides, Chinese buffets I love. Find chicken and pork cooked 60 different ways, where else can you? So with him I went.

A mistake that was. Ever go to a buffet with Kenobi you should not. The table manners of a baboon he has. Bad enough it was that to pull his chair right up to the buffet bar he tried. But such a sloppy eater he is that wearing more food than he ate, he ended up.

So embarrassing, it was! And have my disguise I did not. Here, trying to have a civilized conversation with the lady at the table next to me I was, about how dropped dramatically since last Wednesday, the stray cat population in the neighborhood seems to have. But there, trying to burp his way through the alphabet, Kenobi was. Most of the time, buried in his plate, his face was. At one point, if like to try using chopsticks he would, someone asked him. Kidding me are you? Even use a fork and knife he does not.

And ashamed to say it I am, but into the gluttony he dragged me. Taunting me he kept, "C'mon, Girlie-man! You can eat more than that, cain't ya?"

A "Girlie-man" he called me! At stake, my honor was! But worse it got.

"C'mon, get ya another plate. I dare ya. I triple-dog dare ya."

Triple-dog he dared me! Now, try to out-eat him I had to! Have what choice did I?! Besides, weak when it comes to Chinese food, I am. The Bow Wow Gai Pan and the Meow Mein Noodles I especially like, even if know what they are made of I do not.

But foolish to try to out-eat Kenobi it is. Try it do not. Only get hurt you will. After an hour, about ready to burst I was. Feel well, I did not. But just hitting his stride, Kenobi was. A bottomless pit he must be. Cleaning out the buffet faster than they could cook food to fill it, he was.

Soon, out the manager came and yelling at Kenobi he started. "You go now! You no eat here no more!"

Budging, Kenobi was not, "What's the deal?! I got a right to eat here just like anybody else!"

"You eat too much!"

"The sign says, 'All you can eat', don't it? I done paid and everything!"

"You pay just $5.99 for lunch buffet. But you eat $200 of food! Then, 30 customers you scare away because you eat like drunk Wookiee! That another $180 I lose! So you go now!"

"Now hold on..."

"You go now, or I call cops! Besides, you getting fat. You should not eat so much!"

"But I ain't got my fortune cookie!"

"You want fortune? I give you fortune! 'You will be a fat redneck who die from high choresteror'!"

"From what?"

"Choresteror! Choresteror! What, you no speak English? You go now! You no come back no more!"

So back home we went. So humiliated I was. Going to learn, when am I?! You know, so full an hour ago I was. Now hungry I am. Weird that is.

.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Counseling for Young Skywalker

Want to do this I did not. But no choice I had. Last week, an intervention we tried with Young Skywalker. Trying to get him to give up his teddy bear, we were. But work it did not. So today, to see Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I took him.

Happy to see Young Skywalker, Steve was not. "Ah, great. Just great. The kid again. Look, Yoda, Buddy, I told you before I can't help nobody who don't want to be helped. Know what I'm sayin, here?"

"I know, but desperate I am. Your help he needs."

"Look, I'm not sayin he's a bad kid or nothin. But the last time he was here he tore up my office. I had to get a new couch and everything. It set me back some serious moolah. You can't find furniture with that leopard print just anywhere, know what I'm sayin? I mean you try to find orange shag carpet in Coruscant. And on top of all that, he wanted to chop my arms off. I mean what's with that kid? You want I should lose my business and my arms? Huh?"

"I know, but serious this is..."

"'Serious' he says. I tell you what's serious, my friend. Serious is having to replace a mahogany desk with one of those cheapies from Office Depot because Junior here can't keep his lightsaber turned off. That's serious."

"That you just talk to him, all I'm asking is."

"I don't like talkin to him. He's got issues. It's like he's crazy or somethin."

"Uh, Steve, a psychiatrist you are."

"Yeah?"

"Supposed to talk to crazy people with issues, you are."

"Nah, that's just the psychiatrists who aren't good enough to get their own practice. Usually, they end up workin for the state or somethin. Me? Mostly I like talkin to rich people who want to lie on my couch for an hour and whine about how their mothers didn't hug them enough when they were kids. It ain't as noble, but it feels like it is 'cause I get paid at the end."

Finally, Steve I convinced that talk to Young Skywalker he should. Able to sit in on the session I was.

"So, Ani... You mind if I call you 'Ani' there, Champ?" Steve asked.

"Nah, G," Young Skywalker said, "as long as you don't mind me callin you 'Steve the Armless Spider', yo."

"OK, 'Anakin' it is. Anakin, Yoda tells me you have a special little friend..."

"You ain't takin' Mr. Snuggles, yo. Ain't nobody takin him."

"Oh, hey, listen, I don't want to take him."

"Good, 'cause I'm libel to bust a cap up in here."

"I just want to talk, Anakin, that's all," Steve told him.

"That's cool," Young Skywalker said, "What you want to talk about?"

"How about your childhood. Back when you were on Tattooine."

"I ain't like to talk about that, yo."

"You were a slave, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but what's that gots to do with nothin, yo?"

"You must've had to work a lot. When did you get time to play?"

"What is this crap, yo? Why you gots to be all askin me dumb questions and spit? Nah, I ain't play. They ain't give us no time to play, yo."

"Then, when you became a Padawan Jedi, they took you straight out into the field instead of training you in the Temple with the other Younglings."

"Yeah. So what? That's all ancient historizzy, G. Ain't nothin but a thing."

"I bet it was somethin then. How did you feel when you would see all the other Padawans having fun together and you had to be with Obi-wan?"

"I was bummed, yo. Hey, get outta my head, G! This is makin me all uncomfortizzle!"

"So, you were a slave when you were on Tattooine. After that, you were going on missions with Obi-wan. When did you have time to be a kid?"

"I didn't have no time to be a kid. Yeah, so?"

"Follow me, here. You think it's possible that by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles there, you might be holdin on to a childhood you never were able to have?"

"Yo, stop it G. You scarin' me. That like, almost makes sense and spit."

"Who gave you Mr. Snuggles, Anakin?"

"Obi-wan, yo. So?"

"He gave it to you when you were little?"

"Yeah."

"How did you feel about Obi-wan back then? What kind of relationship did you have?"

"Yo, I ain't like talkin' about no feelins."

"Hey, look, ain't nobody gonna judge you here."

"He was like my dad and spit, the only one I ever had."

"What about now, since you're not his Padawan anymore?"

"He says we like brothers."

"Is that the way you want it to be, or do you wish it was still like he was your dad?"

"A'ight, you freakin me out, yo! Not cool! Get out my head, yo!"

"But it's true, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it true. I ain't never had a dad but him. I kinda liked things the way they was, except I wouldn't wanna still be a Padawan."

"You think maybe by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles, you're holdin on to that relationship you had with Obi-wan?"

"Dang, yo. I ain't never thought of it that way. Sniff."

"Here. Here's some tissue."

"I ain't cryin' yo."

"Sorry."

"But gimme that tissue."

"Well, I guess you won't be needin this no more," Steve said as reaching for the teddy bear he was.

Up Young Skywalker jumped. "You ain't takin Mr. Snuggles, yo!"

It that is. Up I give.



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Sunday, February 19, 2006

New Designs In the T-shirt Store

Trying to raise money for the annual Youngling Field Trip we are. Chosen a very special place I have. Have lots of fun we will. Still some whiners in the bunch there are.

"Aww Master Yoda, we go to Dollywood every year. Can't we go someplace different?"

"How come you get to choose the place every time? When do we get to choose?"

"When 900 years old you reach, and head of the Jedi Order you are, choose you can. Fun you will have or a Force-wedgie you will receive."

How to handle younglings, you have to know.

Anyway, money for the field trip we need, so making the Younglings work extra hard in the sweatshop T-shirt factory I am. Two more designs for my online T-shirt store we have come up with. Nothing to do with me or the Jedi these shirts have, but maybe enjoy them all the same you will:




(Other colors and styles than what you see here, these designs come in. Buy these t-shirts here you can.)

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Embarrassment Problem Solved

Embarrassed to be seen in public with Kenobi sometimes I am. When he burps, hear him from a block away, you can. Also learned he has not that a proper handkerchief, one's sleeves are not. And learned yet he has not that in public, some places on the body there are that scratch you do not.

So to avoid going out with him I try. Unfortunately, unavoidable sometimes it is. So come up with a solution I have. A disguise I will wear. That way, recognize me no one will.

So, employed some Republic Intelligence agents I have. Experts in making disguises they are. Very clever, the disguise they made for me is. Want to see it do you?


OK, show it to you I will.





But scroll down you must.















See me in the picture do you? The one with the glasses I am! I know, recognize me you can not. Probably believe that is me you do not. But you I promise, me that is.

So clever this disguise is! Fool my own mother, it would. Completely unrecognizable I am. Wait to try it out, I can not.

At last, retain my dignity I can.

Friday, February 17, 2006

From Big Brother Naboo: Ode to Dolly Parton

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to write a poem, each of us was. So my heart I bared. Now, naked my soul is.

An excerpt from my poem, here is:

Ode to Dolly P.

Dolly, please excuse me, ma'am

Truly, deeply, in love I am
If far across the sea I swam,
all the way to Vietnam
and back I brought a giant clam,

If you I sent a kiss-o-gram
or you I cooked a tasty yam

... Read the rest here, you can.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

So Embarrassing This Is

So embarrassing this is. See me sitting here do you?




Move I can not. Asleep, my butt is.










When this happens I hate. Talking to me Windu was. About skin care he started talking. When started on that he gets, stop he can not. Able to shut him up, no one can. Sitting for hours pretending to listen to him talk about exfoliation, I was.

Now, lost the feeling in both cheeks, I have. Usually effective in returning the feeling to my butt, rubbing it is. But weird that would look. Ask someone else to rub it, I can not. Ask a male Jedi to do it would not, because have another guy rub my butt I will not! Rather suffer from permanent hiney paralysis, I would. And be too embarrassed to ask a female Jedi to rub me there I would. Besides, too eager to oblige, Yaddle would be. Get her to stop pinching my bottom I can not.

So stuck here I am until feeling to butt returns. Bring me a Diet Pepsi, can someone?

.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Young Skywalker's Problem

A problem Young Skywalker has. Addicted he is. Avoided talking about it we have. But only worse, his problem has gotten. Time to speak up it is. So an intervention we decided to do.

Young Skywalker sit in the living room we had while gathered around him, everyone who cares about him were.

"What the heck's goin' on here, yo? This feels like an ambushizzle or sumthin'."

"Young Skywalker," I said, "about you all of us care. To help you we want. But break this addiction you must."

Defensive Young Skywalker got. "I can give it up anytime I want, yo. But I ain't want to."

Crying, Senator Amidala was. "Please, Ani, we love you. But you have to give it up. Don't you, like, see what it's doing to us, um, I mean you?"

"Yo, I can handle it! Why you all gots to be hatin'!"

"Anakin," Kenobi said, "don't you wanna to be a Master? Cain't you see you won't be one unless you give this up?"

"Yo, all you all, just back up outta my grill! I ain't givin' it up, yo!"

Want to see Young Skywalker's terrible addiction, do you? Ok, but only if strong enough you are.


Out of the room send the Younglings.



Scroll down a little more you must.














Even while driving, he can not put it down!

"I ain't givin' up Mr. Snuggles, yo! You all can just step off!" The final word that was. Failed to reach him we had.

Know what can be done I do not. Desperate at this point we are.


Thanks to DarkJediKriss for the pic!
.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Guest Poster - Obi-Wan Kenobi [Topic: Cheatin' At Checkers]




Hey, how youns doin'? Good? Good.

I figured I'd write on this here blog of Yoda's 'cause I was hopin' I could get youns' help on somethin. It's been botherin me pretty bad. I cain't hardly finish this here bag of Cheetos I'm workin on right now cause I'm so upset about it.

See, I been playing Checkers with this one feller perty regular. Now, when it comes to Checkers, I ain't too bad. Course, I ain't no Bobby Fisherman, or whatever his name is. Youns know who I'm talkin about - that there boy what whooped all them big shots in that there Chess game. Anyhow, I ain't too bad neither.

But this one feller I been playing against perty regular - he's been beating me every single time. I mean he plum skunks me. Yeah, this feller's perty smart and all, but he cain't be that smart. There ain't no way he could beat me every time unless he's cheatin. It just don't make no sense. He's got to be cheatin.

The problem is, I cain't catch him. I know he's doin' it. I just don't know how. Maybe youns could - well, here, let me show youns what I'm talkin about.






I'll show youns who I'm talking about below.






Youns'll have to scroll down to see the pitcher.



















You see how close I'm watchin him here. I still cain't figure out how he's cheatin me. Maybe the next time youns are in Coruscant, you can stop at the Cracker Barrel off of Exit 89 and watch us play some. Then maybe youns can figure out how he's cheatin.

Yeah, I know, it's embarrassing to get beaten by a monkey. But like I said, he's cheatin, so it ain't like no monkey is beatin me fair and square all the time. I'm sure if he weren't cheatin, I could probably win maybe half the time.

Oh, Yoda will be back tomorrow to talk to youns. So I'll see youns later. Have a good one.

Monday, February 13, 2006

At the Firing Range

Down at the Army firing range inspecting the new Clone Troopers, I was. Some old guy standing around shooting the blasters I noticed. Recognize him I did not, but some kind of big shot he was supposed to be:




















Very excited about shooting blasters, he was. Several shots at a target he took.

"Wow, I did pretty good that time, didn't I?" he asked the officer that was helping him.

"Well," the officer said, "let's take a look at your target, Mr. Cheney."



target "You're doing much better. You even managed to actually hit the paper this time," the officer said, "Of course, you also took out a lamppost, a bird flying overhead, and a speeder parked across the street.

"I coulda sworn I hit that guy on the target, though."

"No sir, that was the Clone Trooper next to you."

"Oh yeah. Uh, sorry about that."

"It's ok sir, we can always make more Clone Troopers."

"Well, I'm gonna try it again."

At that, to the ground everyone dropped. Several shots, this guy fired at his target. At the end, the only part of the whole firing range still standing, his target was. I think let this guy any where near a blaster, they should not.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Winter Galactic Olympics

So on, the Winter Galactic Olympics are. For hours on end, Kenobi watches it. Get into it I can not. Bored by it I am. But a question I have. Have it answered I must. What the heck kind of sport this is, and become an Olympic event, how did it?:
















Called "Curling" it is. Understand it, I do not. A lot of sweeping the ice with brooms, it involves. Split into Men's Curling and Women's Curling it is. Apparently, an unfair advantage over women when it comes to sweeping with a broom, men have.

Some research I did, and what I came up with, this was: On Planet Scotland, this game started. First played in 1836 on an ice rink owned by Angus MacShifty, it was. Going through hard financial times Angus was, because invested all of his money in his new invention, the mini-Kilt, he had. Unfortunately way ahead of his time, Angus' fashion sense was and catch on until the 1960's the mini-Kilt would not. (A time of peace, love, and hairy legs, the 1960's were, but another story that is.) So forced to lay off his janitorial staff, Angus was.

Of course, consisted only of a local drunk by the name of Patrick MacSneezy, his janitorial staff had. Though a drunkard MacSneezy was, the rink well swept, he kept. So the problem of how the rink would get swept every day, Angus was left with. Too cold to get out on the ice himself Angus was usually, as provide much coverage, his mini-Kilt did not.

So one day, an idea he came up with. All of the local kids he gathered. A "new game" that he claimed he invented, he told them about. A bunch of brooms he handed out. Then a big rock he slid across the ice. He told the kids that sweep in front of the rock, they had to. More clear on the rules he was not. But matter that did not, as strung out on Haggis while listening to loud bagpipe music all day, the kids had been. Play this weird game or eat more sheep innards while listening to more bagpipe music, their choice was. A broom each of them enthusiastically grabbed. Return every afternoon to play this game they would, as a pleasant alternative to the only other recreational activity (sheep guts and bagpipe) that had been available to them, this presented.

About Angus' idea, other ice rink owners across Scotland heard. Soon, laying off their drunk janitors they would be also. In a few years, all over Scotland, played by gullible children tired of eating Haggis this game would be.

Still know how this got into the Olympics or what the point of it is, I do not. But at least have to eat sheep innards, I do not.

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Saturday, February 11, 2006

The Thermostat Crisis

Very cold on this part of Coruscant it has been lately. Lots of sweaters and long short johns I put on, but still cold I am. Besides, poor my circulation is. So the thermostat in the Temple I keep on high. And the thermostat moved to my room I had, because stop messing with it, people would not. So in my room, under lock and key and protected by an electronic password, it is.

Whining about this constantly, the other Jedi are. But I think very reasonable, 92 degrees is. 98.6, most people's body temperature is supposed to be. So actually, kind of cool I am keeping it. But on complaining, these doofuses insist.

Even at Council meetings, an issue it is.

"Just look at Master Kenobi's seat!" Master Mundi said, "It has a permanent stain now. He is in a constant state of perspiration, as are we all. I can barely stand to look at him!"

"No matter what the weather is, like a Womphog, Kenobi sweats," I replied, "And been there for a long time, that stain has. Surely remember all of the speculation months ago about the cause of the 'mystery stain', you must."

"Well, we don't need to speculate on the cause of Obi-wan's funk," Windu chimed in, "Yes, I know it's normal for him to leave an aroma trail where ever he goes, but I am telling you it is far worse now! Ever since you turned the heat up, his smell has been so bad I'm afraid of getting sick from second-hand B.O.!"

"Clear that up, another session with the pressure-washer will."

"No!" Getting angry, Windu was, "You have got to turn down the heat! Do you know what this is doing to my skin? Do you realize the effect all of this perspiration is having on my pores? You turn down that heat now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Make me you can not!"

"I think it's about time I showed you just what I can make you do!"

To fight we got up. Moving towards each other we started. The last I remember that is. Apparently, from the heat we both passed out.

So, to compromise I agreed. Down to 91 degrees, the thermostat is now. See how reasonable I am, do you?

Friday, February 10, 2006

From Big Brother Naboo: Now Bob You See, See Bob Now You Do Not

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to hide something from the many cameras that are in the house, we were. A very clever plot I hatched. Ooh, so clever I am.





To hide Bob the Bantha I decided!











Think what do you? Think I can hide him do you? Read my post to see the answer, you must.

Vote here on who should be evicted you can.

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Thursday, February 09, 2006

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

Note: Last night, down the Internet connection at the Temple was. Stupid Bell Coruscant! Anyway, here last night's post is -

Snoring again, Young Skywalker was. Very loudly he snores. Hear him loud and clear I can even though down the hall, his room is. Like a huge buzz saw he sounds. Last night, so loud he was that scaring the Younglings, he was. Most importantly, keeping me awake he was!

So into his room I went. Up to his bed I walked, then his nose I pinched.

"ZZZZZZzzzz...gurk...qwak! What the-! Yo, what's goin' on! You tryin' to sufficate me, yo?"

"No, just trying to wake you up I was."

"Then why you still pinchin' my nose, G?"

"Oh, sorry. Listen, Young Skywalker, snoring you were. Keeping me awake you were. The Younglings you were scaring. Making all the Wookiees in the neighborhood howl, you were."

"I don't snore, yo."

"Young Skywalker, heard jack-hammers that were not so loud, I have!"

"You trippin'. I ain't snore, yo."

"At least turn over you must."

"Fine, whatever. I'll turn over, yo. Shuh."

Even get back to my room, I did not.

ZZZZzzzzz...zzzzaaak....zzzzzzzzz

Only one thing to do there was. Move Young Skywalker to another location I had to. Fortunately, a very heavy sleeper Young Skywalker is. In Bob the Bantha's stable I put him. But scared by Young Skywalker's snoring, Bob was. A huge fart, Bob let go. Sufficating, the stench was. But wake up Young Skywalker, even that did not!

Anyway, I wonder what Young Skywalker's reaction will be when in the tool shed he finds himself.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Tongue Twister

Another call from Jar Jar I got tonight. Always calling me with some stupid problem he is. No different, tonight was.

"Yoda, meesa tongue issen stuck inna pencil sharpener! Help!"

Actually, more like this it sounded, "Yo-ah, meeva tog iffen mumph mumph mumph! Helf!"

Fortunately, learned to understand Jar Jar when stuck in something his tongue is, I have. Happened many times this has. Last week, stuck in the vacuum cleaner, it was. A couple of days ago, down the toilet it was (ask you should not).

But the strangest places his tongue has been stuck, those are not! Really strange places he gets his tongue stuck. See below you can.




Posted about this already I have. One day, as driving my speeder I was, honking at me everyone was. Around I turned and this I saw! Know how this happened, I still do not.


But more there is...


















Even doing on Planet Iraq what was he?


















Very quick, Emperor W's reflexes are.

















Know what to say about this I do not. Speechless, I am.


>

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Very Serious My Meditation Is

Attention all Jedi:

Very solemn, my meditiation is. Be disturbed I must not! Taken seriously it must be. (And sleeping while in the meditation room I am not!) Shown, the proper respect must be.

So, stop, the playing of "Connect the Liver Spots" on my head while deep in mediation I am must! When whoever is doing it, I find out, consequences there will be! Go unpunished this can not. An hour to wash the red magic marker off of my head it took this morning.

Perhaps if forward you step now, leniency I will show. But, if step forward by the end of the day today no one does, forced to punish everyone I will be! Immediately following the deadline, suspended all cookie priveleges will be. Yes, harsh that may seem. Want to do it, I do not. But no choice I will have if step forward the guilty party or parties do not.

Believe me, hurt me more than it will hurt you, it will. Ok, maybe not. Maybe only hurt you it will. But the point that is, after all.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Bearded Skywalker

Today, Young Skywalker looking into the mirror, I noticed. Nothing unusual, this is. Sometimes kissing the mirror, I catch him. But looking even more than usual he was today.

“Young Skywalker, wish to be alone with yourself, do you?”

“Huh?’

“Looking into the mirror even more than usual you are today. Looking at what, are you?”

“Oh, nah, I’m just checkin’ out my fly beard. Yo, check it.” Down he leaned so that see it I could.

“Of what beard do you speak?” I asked.

“What? You trippin’. Look, G, it right here on my face.”

“See it I do not.”

“Yo, it right here. You blind or sumthin’? Shuh.” Pointing to his face he was.

Still see it I could not, so my magnifying glass I got out. “Oh, yes, see it now I can,” I said. A couple of stray peach fuzz hairs I did see. Very faint and very short they were.

“It about time you noticed, G! I ain’t shaved in two months! Couple more days, I be lookin’ like Master Jinn, yo.”

“Um, Young Skywalker, you know, grow hair some men can not. Nothing wrong with that there is. Still manly they can be…”

“Yeah, like Mace-Dawg. He ain’t grow no hair! I’m sure glad I ain’t like ‘at! I gots chest hair and everything, yo.”

“Really? Chest hair you have?”

“Yeah, G! Check it!” His robe he opened just enough so that see his chest I could.

“Where, your chest hair is?” Having trouble seeing this too, I was.

“Dang, you is blind! It right there, yo!” Pointing at something small, he was.

“Young Skywalker, a stray eyelash that is, I think.”

“What? Nah, that ain’t…” with his finger he picked it off, “Ah nah, ah no! Ah, Mustafar, no!”

Maybe why so much time he spends on the hair on top of his head, that is. All the hair he has, it must be.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Mighty Bowl Party

A Mighty Bowl party at the Jedi Temple we had tonight. Know what the heck is going on in this game, I do not. Run for a couple of seconds, then stop, all they do is. Know what the point is I do not. Anyway, playing againt the Ithor Iron Workers, the Wroona Womphawks were.

Rooting for the Womphawks, Young Skywalker was. Rooting for the Iron Workers, Kenobi was. The only ones among us who actually understand this game, those two are. Grasp the rules of Go Fish, Kenobi can not. Yet a complete understanding of all the convoluted rules of this game he has.

Just as confused by this game as I was, Windu was. "So they just made a 'tap-down'?" he asked.

"No, that there is called a touch-down," Kenobi corrected.

Later, I asked, "So to first base they just got?"

"No," Young Skywalker sighed, "the just made a first down, yo. 'First base' is Baseball, G. Shuh."

"But a first down they made a couple of minutes ago," I said, "Make a first down again, how can they? The fifth or sixth down this is, I count."

"It ain't work that way, yo."

"Remember when you made it to 'first base', Baby?" Senator Amidala asked Young Skywalker. I think a little too much to drink she had.

"Yo, homegirl, chill about that. We around the giz-eezers, yo. We gots to keep our omance-ray on the own-low-day. Know what I'm sayin'?"

"Young Skywalker, speaking what language are you?" I asked him. "Understand this 'omance-ray' and 'own-low-day' I do not. More Wiggerese that is?"

"Uh, yeah, G. It just means 'We gots to keep our eye on the ball', yo. Yeah."

"Oh, ok then," I said. Glad that he cleared that up, I am.

Later, a "half-time show" they had. Put on by a band called the "Turning Rocks" or something, it was. Going well it was until a wardrobe malfunction, the one called Keith Richards had. Worse it got when out of his mouth, Mick Jagger's dentures fell. Then his hip he threw out while dancing on stage he was.

More confusion after the half-time show, there was. "Touching that other guy's butt, why is the Nickleback?" I asked.

"That feller's called the Quarterback," Kenobi said, "and he ain't toucin that other feller's butt. He's keeping his hands there so that other feller can pass him the ball when he calls 'hut'."

"In this game, Hutts are?" I asked.

"Just watch the game, yo," Young Skywalker said, "You makin me all distracted with all the stupid questions."

But questions Windu still had, "So how many Linestackers does each team have?"

"Linebackers, yo!" Young Skywalker sighed, "Next year, I'm watchin' this game somewheres else!"

In the end, won, the Iron Workers had. But care I did not. At least turn over any speeders this time, angry fans did not.

___________________________________

Know what happened to the February 3rd post, I do not. Disappeared, it has. Stupid Blogger! Maybe re-post it, I will. In the mean time, maybe kick my Stupid Intern some more I will. Always better that makes me feel.

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Saturday, February 04, 2006

Toothbrush Trouble

This morning, a disturbing sight I saw as preparing to brush my teeth I was. Completely orange, the bristles on my toothbrush were! Only one thing this could mean.

"Kenobi!" I yelled.

Running in he came. "Yup?"

"My toothbrush you used!"

"No I didn't! I swear!"

"Lie to me do not! Cheeto crust on my toothbrush you left!"

"Uh... I musta got your toothbrush mixed up with mine."

"Kenobi, no way there is that confuse my toothbrush with your SpongeBob toothbrush you could!"

"Well, you didn't seem to mind all them times my monkey used your toothbrush!"

"My toothbrush your monkey used?!!" Ooooh, so mad I was!

"Oh... I, uh, thought you knew... I mean, no! He sure didn't!"

"Kenobi, some quality time you, the pressure washer, and I are going to spend today. Out to the shed go and the position assume."

Have to burn my toothbrush now, I will.
________________________

Sorry I am that comment on yesterday's post, you could not. At first, my Stupid Intern's fault I thought it was. So repeatedly I kicked him. Then I found out that Blogger's fault it was. Bad about kicking my Stupid Intern I almost felt. But it occured to me that done stupid things that know about I do not, he must have. So, just to be safe, some more I kicked him.

Working, the comments on this post are, it appears.

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Thursday, February 02, 2006

Yacking With Yoda

Still doing this stupid radio show, I am. Named it "Yacking With Yoda" now, they have. More humiliating this gets all the time.

Even worse it is because for advice, only doofuses call. Dumber I feel myself becoming every time that to one of these people I talk.

An excerpt for the show here is:

Me: "Okay, Charlene our next caller's name is. Hello, Charlene. Yacking with Yoda you are. Hello? Charlene? There are you?"

Producer: "The button! For God's sakes, it's been three weeks already! Can't you learn to push the stupid flashing button?!"

Charlene: "Hello? Am I on?"

Me: "Yes. On you are. Your radio turn down please."

Charlene: "Oh, sorry."

Me: "Your problem what is?"

Charlene: "Well, my baby's daddy is about to go off to war, and we're thinkin' about gettin' hitched. See, if we ain't married, and somethin happens to him, I cain't collect on no Widow's pension. But if we do get hitched, then I won't get welfare checks for me and my five kids, even though he ain't the daddy of four of 'em. At least, I think he ain't. What should I do?"

Me: "In a mobile home you live, Charlene?"

Charlene: "Yeah! That's amazin'! How'd you know that?"

Me: "Lucky guess. Five younglings... so already procreated you have."

Charlene: "Yeah."

Me: "Yes, too late to correct that mistake it is."

Charlene: "Huh?"

Me: "A way that get married and still recieve a check from the government you can, there is."

Charlene: "How?"

Me: "To war you should go. In fact, draft you now we should before allowed to spawn again, you are. Next caller. Hello, yacking with Yoda you are."

Beth: "Uh, Hi. Yeah, Yoda I'm calling because my husband is having problems with my cats."

Me: "Of what kind of problems you speak?"

Beth: "Well it turns out he's allergic to cats. But you know, he does fine as long as long as he wears that gas mask with the oxygen tank whenever he's in the house! But he's being stubborn. He keeps saying I need to get rid of the cats or he's leaving! What should I do?"

Me: "How many cats have you?"

Beth: "Only twelve."

Me: "It sounds like respect you for who you are, your husband does not."

Beth: "Exactly! That's what I was telling him..."

Me: "Yes. See that to be known as the neighborhood's 'crazy old cat lady' you want, he does not."

Beth: "Wait, I..."

Me: "More understanding he should be. Obviously, willing to live in a hairball infested house that smells like cat pee you are because no people skills you have, you are. To respect that he needs."

Beth: "I don't think..."

Me: "Realize how lucky he is that you even married him, he does not. Normally, alone without a husband or any friends, people like you die. Yet, willing to let him into your life you are."

Maybe more effective I would be, if hate all of the callers I did not.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Kenobi Diet Plan

The other night, out of the bathroom and into the living room wearing only his tighty-whities, Kenobi came. His hairy beer gut he was scratching with one hand, and with the other hand picking his teeth he was. Unfortunately, the last sight I see before going to bed this often is.

"Kenobi, a good thing it is that see you that way tonight, the female Jedi do not. Able to control themselves, they would not be. Hmm, yes, go back on their Jedi oath, they would."

To ignore me he chose, because an announcment he had. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna go on a diet."

"Every night you say that Kenobi. In the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself, and pleased with the sight you are not. So declare that on a diet you will go the next day. Then, the next morning, amnesia you will have and eat your usual plate full of bacon with a side of grease, you will. Apparentally how you looked in the mirror you forget, until that night when in the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself again. Then again, the cycle starts."

"No, now I mean it this time," Kenobi said as his tighty-whities he was picking out off ...nevermind, "I'm really gonna stick to it. I ain't gonna eat no bacon or any other kinda beef neither. I'm just gonna eat that there cereal, Fiber Roughage Extreme, three times a day. Maybe do it for a week."

"Kenobi, know how wise that is I do not..."

"There ain't nothin to worry about. I done read the box. That there cereal's got 100% of all yer daily vitamins, even Vitamin Q, a whole buncha letters like that. Plus, it's got 3000% of yer daily fiber, so you know it's got to be good fer ya."

Too worried I was not, because stick with these diets he does not. But yesterday, all day only the Fiber Roughage Extreme he ate. Even put sugar on it he did not. And sugar he puts on all his cereals, even his favorite cereals, Sugar Cubes and Cap'n Cavities.

Impressed with his self-control I was. Unfortunately, spent all day today in the bathroom he has. Exaggerating I am not. Early this morning he went in there, and come out he has not. Groans I hear from there every few minutes. And tell you let me, want to walk too close to the door you do not! So bad the smell is, sting your eyes will.

Every so often, knock on the door and check on Kenobi I will. "Kenobi? Still alive are you?"

"Yeah," very weak he sounds, "just there ain't so much of me anymore."

Too bright, Kenobi is not.


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