Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Please, Buy Me Clothes Do Not
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: The Splendor That Is My Head]
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Developing, a Crisis Is
|A crisis I am facing. Run out of space on the walls in my room for Dolly Parton posters I have. Already covered the ceiling I have. Also covered, the windows and mirror are. All the space in my office I have used.|
Next to my room, Young Skywalker's room is. So decided I have that have to move he will. Knock down the wall between our rooms and start utilizing the extra wall space for Dolly posters I can. True it is that available no other rooms in the Temple are. But some room in Bob the Bantha's stall there is, so move in with Bob temporarily Young Skywalker can. As long as roll over in his sleep Bob does not, OK Young Skywalker will be.
Object to this, the rest of the Council will not. Stand him they can not. "Incorrigible" the Council has proclaimed him. Due to the fact that after many months of censure by the Council, stop leaving his Spider-man underoos on the bathroom floor he will not, this is.
Actually, sorry for Bob the Batha I am. Have to share his stall with Young Skywalker he will. That rub off on Bob, some of Young Skywalker's bad habits do not, I hope. A bad influence he can be.
Friday, February 24, 2006
New Template, Big Brother Naboo, and Other Stuff
|As see you can, a new template I have. Probably tweak it a little I will make my Stupid Intern. Made him work on it some more tonight I would have, but about how tired he was, he was whining.|
"Only 3 am it is! Let you sleep in tomorrow until 6 am I will!" I told him. But stop him from whining that did not. So lazy he is.
Comment on whether you love or hate the template, you can. If the design you like, go to this nice person's website you can. Blogger templates for free he has.
These nice pics for my 300th post Novy made for me.
Also, on Big Brother Naboo this week, attacking the house, Pirates were. (Yes, sense that does not make. But better not to think too hard about these things that is.)
Anyway, as see here you can, a little weird things got:
Read all about that in my post you can.
Also, check out JawaJuice's post, you must. So good it is, too shame it puts me.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
300th Post: So What?
|So excited I was. Wait any longer I could not. Into Kenobi's room this morning I ran and up I woke him.|
"Kenobi," I asked him, "Know what day this is, do you?"
"Snrrrrk. Huh? What? Don't you know what time it is? Look, Mickey's little hand is on the five. I'm not sure, but I think that means it's perty early."
"But know what day this is, do you?!"
"Very good, Kenobi. Only two days off this time, you were. But no, what day of the week it is, asking I am not. Come on! What day is this?"
"Look, I don't even do good on pop quizzes when I'm awake. I cain't do this right now."
Disappointed I was. So into Windu's room I went. Already awake he was. Sitting in front of his huge mirror with his back to the window, he was.
"Windu! Know what today..."
"Shh! Don't disturb me. Can't you see I'm waiting for the Sun to rise over my head! I can't miss this. It's very solemn!"
"But know what today is, do you?"
"Judging from how excited you are, I'd have to say it's the day of the week that Twinkies get delivered to the Temple."
"No! Tomorrow that is! What day is this? Guess you must!"
"You know how afraid of guessing games I am!"
"Know you do not?! My 300th post it will be today!"
"All you have to say that is? Excited are you not? Surely, presents you got me. Maybe a party you are going to throw me."
"We threw you a party and gave you presents on your 100th post, and then again on your 2ooth. When is it going to stop? You post every day, man! How long are we supposed to celebrate the fact that you don't have a life? You already make us celebrate both your Jedi anniversary and the anniversary of the day you became a Jedi Master, as well as whenever you get a response to one of your thousands of fan letters to Dolly Parton, whenever one of your varicose veins goes away, and about hundred other things. Frankly, I for one am getting tired of it! Contrary to what you may think, everything is not all about You, all the time! It's about time you... Dang! You made me miss the sun rising over my head! Get out of my room! Get out!"
Pretty dejected I felt. Around the Temple I wondered. Eventually in the parking garage I found myself. Down in Bob the Bantha's stall I sat. Next to me, Bob came and sat. Then over he leaned, and my face he started licking. Up to me he nuzzled. Then that content, purring sound he started to make.
"At least, me you love, Bob," I said. Much better I was feeling. Have a bantha everyone should have. "Of course, Bob, feel loved Windu will not when later today leave a 'present' in his shoes you will."
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: My Super Power]
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Kenobi and Me at the Chinese Buffet
|Down the street from the Jedi Temple, a new Chinese restaurant opened last Wednesday. One of those all-you-can eat buffet restaurants, it is. So of course, try it out, Kenobi just had to. It just so happened that a coupon I had. Besides, Chinese buffets I love. Find chicken and pork cooked 60 different ways, where else can you? So with him I went.|
A mistake that was. Ever go to a buffet with Kenobi you should not. The table manners of a baboon he has. Bad enough it was that to pull his chair right up to the buffet bar he tried. But such a sloppy eater he is that wearing more food than he ate, he ended up.
So embarrassing, it was! And have my disguise I did not. Here, trying to have a civilized conversation with the lady at the table next to me I was, about how dropped dramatically since last Wednesday, the stray cat population in the neighborhood seems to have. But there, trying to burp his way through the alphabet, Kenobi was. Most of the time, buried in his plate, his face was. At one point, if like to try using chopsticks he would, someone asked him. Kidding me are you? Even use a fork and knife he does not.
And ashamed to say it I am, but into the gluttony he dragged me. Taunting me he kept, "C'mon, Girlie-man! You can eat more than that, cain't ya?"
A "Girlie-man" he called me! At stake, my honor was! But worse it got.
"C'mon, get ya another plate. I dare ya. I triple-dog dare ya."
Triple-dog he dared me! Now, try to out-eat him I had to! Have what choice did I?! Besides, weak when it comes to Chinese food, I am. The Bow Wow Gai Pan and the Meow Mein Noodles I especially like, even if know what they are made of I do not.
But foolish to try to out-eat Kenobi it is. Try it do not. Only get hurt you will. After an hour, about ready to burst I was. Feel well, I did not. But just hitting his stride, Kenobi was. A bottomless pit he must be. Cleaning out the buffet faster than they could cook food to fill it, he was.
Soon, out the manager came and yelling at Kenobi he started. "You go now! You no eat here no more!"
Budging, Kenobi was not, "What's the deal?! I got a right to eat here just like anybody else!"
"You eat too much!"
"The sign says, 'All you can eat', don't it? I done paid and everything!"
"You pay just $5.99 for lunch buffet. But you eat $200 of food! Then, 30 customers you scare away because you eat like drunk Wookiee! That another $180 I lose! So you go now!"
"Now hold on..."
"You go now, or I call cops! Besides, you getting fat. You should not eat so much!"
"But I ain't got my fortune cookie!"
"You want fortune? I give you fortune! 'You will be a fat redneck who die from high choresteror'!"
"Choresteror! Choresteror! What, you no speak English? You go now! You no come back no more!"
So back home we went. So humiliated I was. Going to learn, when am I?! You know, so full an hour ago I was. Now hungry I am. Weird that is.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Counseling for Young Skywalker
|Want to do this I did not. But no choice I had. Last week, an intervention we tried with Young Skywalker. Trying to get him to give up his teddy bear, we were. But work it did not. So today, to see Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I took him.|
Happy to see Young Skywalker, Steve was not. "Ah, great. Just great. The kid again. Look, Yoda, Buddy, I told you before I can't help nobody who don't want to be helped. Know what I'm sayin, here?"
"I know, but desperate I am. Your help he needs."
"Look, I'm not sayin he's a bad kid or nothin. But the last time he was here he tore up my office. I had to get a new couch and everything. It set me back some serious moolah. You can't find furniture with that leopard print just anywhere, know what I'm sayin? I mean you try to find orange shag carpet in Coruscant. And on top of all that, he wanted to chop my arms off. I mean what's with that kid? You want I should lose my business and my arms? Huh?"
"I know, but serious this is..."
"'Serious' he says. I tell you what's serious, my friend. Serious is having to replace a mahogany desk with one of those cheapies from Office Depot because Junior here can't keep his lightsaber turned off. That's serious."
"That you just talk to him, all I'm asking is."
"I don't like talkin to him. He's got issues. It's like he's crazy or somethin."
"Uh, Steve, a psychiatrist you are."
"Supposed to talk to crazy people with issues, you are."
"Nah, that's just the psychiatrists who aren't good enough to get their own practice. Usually, they end up workin for the state or somethin. Me? Mostly I like talkin to rich people who want to lie on my couch for an hour and whine about how their mothers didn't hug them enough when they were kids. It ain't as noble, but it feels like it is 'cause I get paid at the end."
Finally, Steve I convinced that talk to Young Skywalker he should. Able to sit in on the session I was.
"So, Ani... You mind if I call you 'Ani' there, Champ?" Steve asked.
"Nah, G," Young Skywalker said, "as long as you don't mind me callin you 'Steve the Armless Spider', yo."
"OK, 'Anakin' it is. Anakin, Yoda tells me you have a special little friend..."
"You ain't takin' Mr. Snuggles, yo. Ain't nobody takin him."
"Oh, hey, listen, I don't want to take him."
"Good, 'cause I'm libel to bust a cap up in here."
"I just want to talk, Anakin, that's all," Steve told him.
"That's cool," Young Skywalker said, "What you want to talk about?"
"How about your childhood. Back when you were on Tattooine."
"I ain't like to talk about that, yo."
"You were a slave, weren't you?"
"Yeah, but what's that gots to do with nothin, yo?"
"You must've had to work a lot. When did you get time to play?"
"What is this crap, yo? Why you gots to be all askin me dumb questions and spit? Nah, I ain't play. They ain't give us no time to play, yo."
"Then, when you became a Padawan Jedi, they took you straight out into the field instead of training you in the Temple with the other Younglings."
"Yeah. So what? That's all ancient historizzy, G. Ain't nothin but a thing."
"I bet it was somethin then. How did you feel when you would see all the other Padawans having fun together and you had to be with Obi-wan?"
"I was bummed, yo. Hey, get outta my head, G! This is makin me all uncomfortizzle!"
"So, you were a slave when you were on Tattooine. After that, you were going on missions with Obi-wan. When did you have time to be a kid?"
"I didn't have no time to be a kid. Yeah, so?"
"Follow me, here. You think it's possible that by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles there, you might be holdin on to a childhood you never were able to have?"
"Yo, stop it G. You scarin' me. That like, almost makes sense and spit."
"Who gave you Mr. Snuggles, Anakin?"
"Obi-wan, yo. So?"
"He gave it to you when you were little?"
"How did you feel about Obi-wan back then? What kind of relationship did you have?"
"Yo, I ain't like talkin' about no feelins."
"Hey, look, ain't nobody gonna judge you here."
"He was like my dad and spit, the only one I ever had."
"What about now, since you're not his Padawan anymore?"
"He says we like brothers."
"Is that the way you want it to be, or do you wish it was still like he was your dad?"
"A'ight, you freakin me out, yo! Not cool! Get out my head, yo!"
"But it's true, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it true. I ain't never had a dad but him. I kinda liked things the way they was, except I wouldn't wanna still be a Padawan."
"You think maybe by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles, you're holdin on to that relationship you had with Obi-wan?"
"Dang, yo. I ain't never thought of it that way. Sniff."
"Here. Here's some tissue."
"I ain't cryin' yo."
"But gimme that tissue."
"Well, I guess you won't be needin this no more," Steve said as reaching for the teddy bear he was.
Up Young Skywalker jumped. "You ain't takin Mr. Snuggles, yo!"
It that is. Up I give.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
New Designs In the T-shirt Store
|Trying to raise money for the annual Youngling Field Trip we are. Chosen a very special place I have. Have lots of fun we will. Still some whiners in the bunch there are.|
"Aww Master Yoda, we go to Dollywood every year. Can't we go someplace different?"
"How come you get to choose the place every time? When do we get to choose?"
"When 900 years old you reach, and head of the Jedi Order you are, choose you can. Fun you will have or a Force-wedgie you will receive."
How to handle younglings, you have to know.
Anyway, money for the field trip we need, so making the Younglings work extra hard in the
(Other colors and styles than what you see here, these designs come in. Buy these t-shirts here you can.)
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Embarrassment Problem Solved
Friday, February 17, 2006
From Big Brother Naboo: Ode to Dolly Parton
|This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to write a poem, each of us was. So my heart I bared. Now, naked my soul is.|
An excerpt from my poem, here is:
Ode to Dolly P.
Dolly, please excuse me, ma'am
Truly, deeply, in love I am
If far across the sea I swam,
all the way to Vietnam
and back I brought a giant clam,
If you I sent a kiss-o-gram
or you I cooked a tasty yam
... Read the rest here, you can.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
So Embarrassing This Is
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Young Skywalker's Problem
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Guest Poster - Obi-Wan Kenobi [Topic: Cheatin' At Checkers]
Monday, February 13, 2006
At the Firing Range
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Winter Galactic Olympics
Saturday, February 11, 2006
The Thermostat Crisis
|Very cold on this part of Coruscant it has been lately. Lots of sweaters and |
Whining about this constantly, the other Jedi are. But I think very reasonable, 92 degrees is. 98.6, most people's body temperature is supposed to be. So actually, kind of cool I am keeping it. But on complaining, these doofuses insist.
Even at Council meetings, an issue it is.
"Just look at Master Kenobi's seat!" Master Mundi said, "It has a permanent stain now. He is in a constant state of perspiration, as are we all. I can barely stand to look at him!"
"No matter what the weather is, like a Womphog, Kenobi sweats," I replied, "And been there for a long time, that stain has. Surely remember all of the speculation months ago about the cause of the 'mystery stain', you must."
"Well, we don't need to speculate on the cause of Obi-wan's funk," Windu chimed in, "Yes, I know it's normal for him to leave an aroma trail where ever he goes, but I am telling you it is far worse now! Ever since you turned the heat up, his smell has been so bad I'm afraid of getting sick from second-hand B.O.!"
"Clear that up, another session with the pressure-washer will."
"No!" Getting angry, Windu was, "You have got to turn down the heat! Do you know what this is doing to my skin? Do you realize the effect all of this perspiration is having on my pores? You turn down that heat now!"
"No! Make me you can not!"
"I think it's about time I showed you just what I can make you do!"
To fight we got up. Moving towards each other we started. The last I remember that is. Apparently, from the heat we both passed out.
So, to compromise I agreed. Down to 91 degrees, the thermostat is now. See how reasonable I am, do you?
Friday, February 10, 2006
From Big Brother Naboo: Now Bob You See, See Bob Now You Do Not
|This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to hide something from the many cameras that are in the house, we were. A very clever plot I hatched. Ooh, so clever I am.|
To hide Bob the Bantha I decided!
Think what do you? Think I can hide him do you? Read my post to see the answer, you must.
Vote here on who should be evicted you can.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
|Note: Last night, down the Internet connection at the Temple was. Stupid Bell Coruscant! Anyway, here last night's post is -|
Snoring again, Young Skywalker was. Very loudly he snores. Hear him loud and clear I can even though down the hall, his room is. Like a huge buzz saw he sounds. Last night, so loud he was that scaring the Younglings, he was. Most importantly, keeping me awake he was!
So into his room I went. Up to his bed I walked, then his nose I pinched.
"ZZZZZZzzzz...gurk...qwak! What the-! Yo, what's goin' on! You tryin' to sufficate me, yo?"
"No, just trying to wake you up I was."
"Then why you still pinchin' my nose, G?"
"Oh, sorry. Listen, Young Skywalker, snoring you were. Keeping me awake you were. The Younglings you were scaring. Making all the Wookiees in the neighborhood howl, you were."
"I don't snore, yo."
"Young Skywalker, heard jack-hammers that were not so loud, I have!"
"You trippin'. I ain't snore, yo."
"At least turn over you must."
"Fine, whatever. I'll turn over, yo. Shuh."
Even get back to my room, I did not.
Only one thing to do there was. Move Young Skywalker to another location I had to. Fortunately, a very heavy sleeper Young Skywalker is. In Bob the Bantha's stable I put him. But scared by Young Skywalker's snoring, Bob was. A huge fart, Bob let go. Sufficating, the stench was. But wake up Young Skywalker, even that did not!
Anyway, I wonder what Young Skywalker's reaction will be when in the tool shed he finds himself.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Very Serious My Meditation Is
|Attention all Jedi:|
Very solemn, my meditiation is. Be disturbed I must not! Taken seriously it must be. (And sleeping while in the meditation room I am not!) Shown, the proper respect must be.
So, stop, the playing of "Connect the Liver Spots" on my head while deep in mediation I am must! When whoever is doing it, I find out, consequences there will be! Go unpunished this can not. An hour to wash the red magic marker off of my head it took this morning.
Perhaps if forward you step now, leniency I will show. But, if step forward by the end of the day today no one does, forced to punish everyone I will be! Immediately following the deadline, suspended all cookie priveleges will be. Yes, harsh that may seem. Want to do it, I do not. But no choice I will have if step forward the guilty party or parties do not.
Believe me, hurt me more than it will hurt you, it will. Ok, maybe not. Maybe only hurt you it will. But the point that is, after all.
Monday, February 06, 2006
|Today, Young Skywalker looking into the mirror, I noticed. Nothing unusual, this is. Sometimes kissing the mirror, I catch him. But looking even more than usual he was today.|
“Young Skywalker, wish to be alone with yourself, do you?”
“Looking into the mirror even more than usual you are today. Looking at what, are you?”
“Oh, nah, I’m just checkin’ out my fly beard. Yo, check it.” Down he leaned so that see it I could.
“Of what beard do you speak?” I asked.
“What? You trippin’. Look, G, it right here on my face.”
“See it I do not.”
“Yo, it right here. You blind or sumthin’? Shuh.” Pointing to his face he was.
Still see it I could not, so my magnifying glass I got out. “Oh, yes, see it now I can,” I said. A couple of stray peach fuzz hairs I did see. Very faint and very short they were.
“It about time you noticed, G! I ain’t shaved in two months! Couple more days, I be lookin’ like Master Jinn, yo.”
“Um, Young Skywalker, you know, grow hair some men can not. Nothing wrong with that there is. Still manly they can be…”
“Yeah, like Mace-Dawg. He ain’t grow no hair! I’m sure glad I ain’t like ‘at! I gots chest hair and everything, yo.”
“Really? Chest hair you have?”
“Yeah, G! Check it!” His robe he opened just enough so that see his chest I could.
“Where, your chest hair is?” Having trouble seeing this too, I was.
“Dang, you is blind! It right there, yo!” Pointing at something small, he was.
“Young Skywalker, a stray eyelash that is, I think.”
“What? Nah, that ain’t…” with his finger he picked it off, “Ah nah, ah no! Ah, Mustafar, no!”
Maybe why so much time he spends on the hair on top of his head, that is. All the hair he has, it must be.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
The Mighty Bowl Party
|A Mighty Bowl party at the Jedi Temple we had tonight. Know what the heck is going on in this game, I do not. Run for a couple of seconds, then stop, all they do is. Know what the point is I do not. Anyway, playing againt the Ithor Iron Workers, the Wroona Womphawks were.|
Rooting for the Womphawks, Young Skywalker was. Rooting for the Iron Workers, Kenobi was. The only ones among us who actually understand this game, those two are. Grasp the rules of Go Fish, Kenobi can not. Yet a complete understanding of all the convoluted rules of this game he has.
Just as confused by this game as I was, Windu was. "So they just made a 'tap-down'?" he asked.
"No, that there is called a touch-down," Kenobi corrected.
Later, I asked, "So to first base they just got?"
"No," Young Skywalker sighed, "the just made a first down, yo. 'First base' is Baseball, G. Shuh."
"But a first down they made a couple of minutes ago," I said, "Make a first down again, how can they? The fifth or sixth down this is, I count."
"It ain't work that way, yo."
"Remember when you made it to 'first base', Baby?" Senator Amidala asked Young Skywalker. I think a little too much to drink she had.
"Yo, homegirl, chill about that. We around the giz-eezers, yo. We gots to keep our omance-ray on the own-low-day. Know what I'm sayin'?"
"Young Skywalker, speaking what language are you?" I asked him. "Understand this 'omance-ray' and 'own-low-day' I do not. More Wiggerese that is?"
"Uh, yeah, G. It just means 'We gots to keep our eye on the ball', yo. Yeah."
"Oh, ok then," I said. Glad that he cleared that up, I am.
Later, a "half-time show" they had. Put on by a band called the "Turning Rocks" or something, it was. Going well it was until a wardrobe malfunction, the one called Keith Richards had. Worse it got when out of his mouth, Mick Jagger's dentures fell. Then his hip he threw out while dancing on stage he was.
More confusion after the half-time show, there was. "Touching that other guy's butt, why is the Nickleback?" I asked.
"That feller's called the Quarterback," Kenobi said, "and he ain't toucin that other feller's butt. He's keeping his hands there so that other feller can pass him the ball when he calls 'hut'."
"In this game, Hutts are?" I asked.
"Just watch the game, yo," Young Skywalker said, "You makin me all distracted with all the stupid questions."
But questions Windu still had, "So how many Linestackers does each team have?"
"Linebackers, yo!" Young Skywalker sighed, "Next year, I'm watchin' this game somewheres else!"
In the end, won, the Iron Workers had. But care I did not. At least turn over any speeders this time, angry fans did not.
Know what happened to the February 3rd post, I do not. Disappeared, it has. Stupid Blogger! Maybe re-post it, I will. In the mean time, maybe kick my Stupid Intern some more I will. Always better that makes me feel.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
|This morning, a disturbing sight I saw as preparing to brush my teeth I was. Completely orange, the bristles on my toothbrush were! Only one thing this could mean.|
"Kenobi!" I yelled.
Running in he came. "Yup?"
"My toothbrush you used!"
"No I didn't! I swear!"
"Lie to me do not! Cheeto crust on my toothbrush you left!"
"Uh... I musta got your toothbrush mixed up with mine."
"Kenobi, no way there is that confuse my toothbrush with your SpongeBob toothbrush you could!"
"Well, you didn't seem to mind all them times my monkey used your toothbrush!"
"My toothbrush your monkey used?!!" Ooooh, so mad I was!
"Oh... I, uh, thought you knew... I mean, no! He sure didn't!"
"Kenobi, some quality time you, the pressure washer, and I are going to spend today. Out to the shed go and the position assume."
Have to burn my toothbrush now, I will.
Sorry I am that comment on yesterday's post, you could not. At first, my Stupid Intern's fault I thought it was. So repeatedly I kicked him. Then I found out that Blogger's fault it was. Bad about kicking my Stupid Intern I almost felt. But it occured to me that done stupid things that know about I do not, he must have. So, just to be safe, some more I kicked him.
Working, the comments on this post are, it appears.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Yacking With Yoda
|Still doing this stupid radio show, I am. Named it "Yacking With Yoda" now, they have. More humiliating this gets all the time. |
Even worse it is because for advice, only doofuses call. Dumber I feel myself becoming every time that to one of these people I talk.
An excerpt for the show here is:
Me: "Okay, Charlene our next caller's name is. Hello, Charlene. Yacking with Yoda you are. Hello? Charlene? There are you?"
Producer: "The button! For God's sakes, it's been three weeks already! Can't you learn to push the stupid flashing button?!"
Charlene: "Hello? Am I on?"
Me: "Yes. On you are. Your radio turn down please."
Charlene: "Oh, sorry."
Me: "Your problem what is?"
Charlene: "Well, my baby's daddy is about to go off to war, and we're thinkin' about gettin' hitched. See, if we ain't married, and somethin happens to him, I cain't collect on no Widow's pension. But if we do get hitched, then I won't get welfare checks for me and my five kids, even though he ain't the daddy of four of 'em. At least, I think he ain't. What should I do?"
Me: "In a mobile home you live, Charlene?"
Charlene: "Yeah! That's amazin'! How'd you know that?"
Me: "Lucky guess. Five younglings... so already procreated you have."
Me: "Yes, too late to correct that mistake it is."
Me: "A way that get married and still recieve a check from the government you can, there is."
Me: "To war you should go. In fact, draft you now we should before allowed to spawn again, you are. Next caller. Hello, yacking with Yoda you are."
Beth: "Uh, Hi. Yeah, Yoda I'm calling because my husband is having problems with my cats."
Me: "Of what kind of problems you speak?"
Beth: "Well it turns out he's allergic to cats. But you know, he does fine as long as long as he wears that gas mask with the oxygen tank whenever he's in the house! But he's being stubborn. He keeps saying I need to get rid of the cats or he's leaving! What should I do?"
Me: "How many cats have you?"
Beth: "Only twelve."
Me: "It sounds like respect you for who you are, your husband does not."
Beth: "Exactly! That's what I was telling him..."
Me: "Yes. See that to be known as the neighborhood's 'crazy old cat lady' you want, he does not."
Beth: "Wait, I..."
Me: "More understanding he should be. Obviously, willing to live in a hairball infested house that smells like cat pee you are because no people skills you have, you are. To respect that he needs."
Beth: "I don't think..."
Me: "Realize how lucky he is that you even married him, he does not. Normally, alone without a husband or any friends, people like you die. Yet, willing to let him into your life you are."
Maybe more effective I would be, if hate all of the callers I did not.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
The Kenobi Diet Plan
|The other night, out of the bathroom and into the living room wearing only his tighty-whities, Kenobi came. His hairy beer gut he was scratching with one hand, and with the other hand picking his teeth he was. Unfortunately, the last sight I see before going to bed this often is.|
"Kenobi, a good thing it is that see you that way tonight, the female Jedi do not. Able to control themselves, they would not be. Hmm, yes, go back on their Jedi oath, they would."
To ignore me he chose, because an announcment he had. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna go on a diet."
"Every night you say that Kenobi. In the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself, and pleased with the sight you are not. So declare that on a diet you will go the next day. Then, the next morning, amnesia you will have and eat your usual plate full of bacon with a side of grease, you will. Apparentally how you looked in the mirror you forget, until that night when in the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself again. Then again, the cycle starts."
"No, now I mean it this time," Kenobi said as his tighty-whities he was picking out off ...nevermind, "I'm really gonna stick to it. I ain't gonna eat no bacon or any other kinda beef neither. I'm just gonna eat that there cereal, Fiber Roughage Extreme, three times a day. Maybe do it for a week."
"Kenobi, know how wise that is I do not..."
"There ain't nothin to worry about. I done read the box. That there cereal's got 100% of all yer daily vitamins, even Vitamin Q, a whole buncha letters like that. Plus, it's got 3000% of yer daily fiber, so you know it's got to be good fer ya."
Too worried I was not, because stick with these diets he does not. But yesterday, all day only the Fiber Roughage Extreme he ate. Even put sugar on it he did not. And sugar he puts on all his cereals, even his favorite cereals, Sugar Cubes and Cap'n Cavities.
Impressed with his self-control I was. Unfortunately, spent all day today in the bathroom he has. Exaggerating I am not. Early this morning he went in there, and come out he has not. Groans I hear from there every few minutes. And tell you let me, want to walk too close to the door you do not! So bad the smell is, sting your eyes will.
Every so often, knock on the door and check on Kenobi I will. "Kenobi? Still alive are you?"
"Yeah," very weak he sounds, "just there ain't so much of me anymore."
Too bright, Kenobi is not.