Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Hoochies, Booties, and Bling

Know why I let my airspeeder Young Skywalker borrow, I do not. Today, lend it to him again I did. Never the driver's seat he puts back in the right place. All the way back, he pushes it, because so tall he is. Tall and goofy-looking he is, but the point that is not. Also, to lean all the way back while he drives, he likes. "Cruising" he calls it. But the seat pushed all the way up, I need. Otherwise, reach the pedals or see over the steering wheel I cannot. This he knows, but care he does not.

Very loud the radio was, when the key I turned. Scare me, it did! A new pair of shorts, I almost needed. And of course, on my country music station, it was not. On his stupid rap station, it was. Embarrassed me this did, because the noise all the neighbors heard, and many cuss words there were! Besides those words, understand much I did not. Something about "hoochies, booties, and bling" it was. Now, trouble hearing I have.

Sticky the steering wheel is. A purple stain on the carpet there is, too. But that way it already was, Young Skywalker claims. Bull doo-doo! Drink giant grape Slurpees I do not!

Help with Young Skywalker, I need. Call Supernanny I would, if her secret identity I knew. A little older than most kids she helps, he is. But act any older he does not! Still, need all of her super powers to straighten out Young Skywalker, she would!

Monday, May 30, 2005

Movie Quote Contest Winners and Answers

A cook-out in the backyard today we had. On working the grill, Kenobi always insists. Ironic it is - do any of the cooking when inside we are, he will not. But when in the backyard we are, suddenly Emeril he thinks he is. Be so bad it would not, if burn everything he did not. And every time, that stupid apron he wears. Kiss the cook, I will not!

Like to thank everyone who in the Movie Quote Contest participated, I would. Got every answer right, almost all of you did. Strong with the Force you must be. Either that, or Google you used. Next time, much harder I will make it.

Here the winners are, in the order they responded:

Trinity Let Agent Smith know that won you have, do not!
Mara S On her blog, asking for ideas for her new Gmail address, she is.
Han Solo In under 12 parsecs, the questions he answered. Use "hokey religious mumbo-jumbo" he did not.
Pete S A lunatic he is!
Danny F In a blog cabin, he lives.

Receive an autographed digital image of me, each winner will. Also receive a Gmail invite they will, if want it they do. Sure I am, that change their lives forever, these prizes will. Congratulations!

Listed below, the movie quotes and answers are:

Quote #1: "Talking to me you are? Talking to me you are? Talking to me you are? Then, talking to who...else you are? Talking to me you are? Well, the only one here I am!"
Movie and Character: Taxi Driver - Travis Bickle

Movie Quote #2: "Pregnant, Gracie is."
Movie and Character: Star Trek IV - Spock

Movie Quote #3: "Any biscuits for sale you have?"
Movie and Character: Sling Blade - Karl

Movie Quote #4: "Over a Wookie I ran, back there on the freeway, I think."
Movie and Character: THX 1138 - Voice on radio (Even the name of the actor whose voice it was, some of you wrote in! Also, the only time during a movie, I saw Chewie cry, this was.)

Movie Quote #5: "Always, Mama said, like a box of chocolates life is. What gonna get you are, never you know."
Movie and Character: Forrest Gump - Forrest (Up this cracks me, every time this I hear.)

Movie Quote #6: "Great this is! Usually just cardboard walls in a garage this is!"
Movie and Character: Galaxy Quest - Jason Nesmith

Movie Quote #7: "When a chick over his buddies a guy picks, be wrong, something's gotta!"
Movie and Character: Grease - Sonny

Movie Quote #8: "What thinking you are, I know. Fire six shots or only five, did he? Well, the truth to tell you, in all this excitement, kinda lost track myself I have. But being as a .44 Magnum this is, the most powerful handgun in the world, and blow your head clean off it would, got to ask yourself one question you have: Feel lucky I do? Well, do ya, punk?"
Movie and Character: Dirty Harry - Harry Callahan

Movie Quote #9: "Tricks on you the mind plays. Tricks back you play!"
Movie and Character: Pee Wee's Big Adventure - Pee Wee

Movie Quote #10: "A miracle man you rush, rotten miracles you get."
Movie and Character: Princess Bride - Miracle Max

In other news - Mentioned on the Chicago Sun-Times website, my blog was! Thanks, Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator, for the link!

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Darth Oprah

Suspected this for a long time I have. But have proof I did not, until now. Out it turns, a Sith Lord, Oprah is! No wonder, the most powerful person in the Galaxy she is! Much power she has from the Dark Side. But combined with the power of her Book of the Month Club, unstoppable she will be! Photographic evidence below, I have. Getting these pictures to us, many Bothans died.

See for yourself you can:

Exhibit A - Change their appearance powerful Sith Lords can

Usually, like this Oprah looks:
SkinnyOprah

But sometimes, like this she looks too!:
Oprah_Fat
Which one she looks like now, remember I do not. Keep track I cannot.

But, when her true appearance the Force hides not, look like this she does!:

Oprah_NoMakeup



Exhibit B - Wield power over the government the Sith will try.

OprahandBush Power over Emporer George she has!

Amidala_Oprah No, Senator Amidala, no!




Exhibit C - Violent the Sith Are

Oprah_Lightning
Here, wielding her Dark Side powers, Darth Oprah is.


Oprah_Attack_Wookie Attacking this poor Wookie, she is!


Exhibit D - Look Alike, Sith often do.

Oprah_Palpatine
Tell which Sith Lord, Oprah is, can you? Tell, I can not.


Exhibit D - Always two there are, no more, no less (Give or take).


Dr phil_oprah_Large "What is thy bidding, Master?"
Destroyed her apprentice, when the chance we had, we should have.


Exhibit E - Miscellaneous Proof


oprahweirdhair
If evil this hairdo is not, know what evil is, I do not.


Oprah_Glamour_Shot
Even in her Glamour Shot/Prom Picture, evil she looks.


And finally....



Oprah_Michael_Jackson My case I rest!!


Tomorrow - Movie Quote Contest Winners and Answers

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Feeling Better I Am

Feeling better I am. Face down on the keyboard I was when this morning I woke up. Passed out at the computer I had. On my face, imprints of the computer keys were. Stay like that all night those other guys let me! Jerks.

Funny it would be Young Skywalker thought, if in Senator Amidala's clothes he dressed me while passed out I was. Know how the senator's clothes he got, I do not. Besides, my colors they were not! More of an Autumn, I am. Had enough of Young Skywalker I have! Know he did not, that still a little sick I was when this morning I woke up. When next time his shoes he puts on, find a little surprise he will.

Bad dreams I have when my tummies hurt. Last night, about Wookies stepping on me I kept dreaming. To be stepped on by a Wookie, my biggest fear has always been. Squishedbibigfurryophobia, it is called. Common among my people it is. Had many nightmares about this I have. Why that is with a Scooby-Doo night-light I sleep.

In other news - Noticed the domain names above this post you may have. Bought two domain names I have: YodasBlog.com and MasterYodasBlog.com. Redirect to this blog, they do. Done this for your convenience I have. Long and hard to remember, "masterjediyoda.blogspot.com" is. Now, type either of these domains in your browser, all you have to do is.

Also, similar urls to my url, many other bloggers use. All posers they are! Use my name for the their blogs they should not! Unless Yoda, their name is. But likely that is not. Not many Yodas there are. I know, because in the phone book I looked. Sue them I might. Send them a "Cease and Desist" letter, I should. Have a lawyer do it, I would, if one I had. But since from the Dark Side all lawyers are, have one I do not.

Tomorrow - Darth Oprah

Friday, May 27, 2005

Feeling Well I Am Not

Feeling well I am not. But type this post I must, so that disappoint my readers I do not.

Young Skywalker's turn to do the grocery shopping it was. Of course, do the shopping he did not. So, only old leftovers in the fridge there are. Old leftovers. Look young I do when standing next to these leftovers I am. Like Kenobi's socks, this milk smells. Already perished, some of these perishables have.

Supposed to be green, baloney is? Maybe eaten it I should not have. Probably make it better, the grey mayonnaise and the bread with the hair did not. Turned upside down, all three of my stomachs are. Ooooooooh, not good.

Hold it together I must, until finish this post I do. Toss my cookies I must not.

Through the door Kenobi just came. Carrying a case of beer, he is. (Surprise) Think about beer I must not. Oh no, offering me one he is. Oooooooooh. Excuse me.

... Ok, back I am. Taste better the second time, the green baloney did not. Ok, hold it together now I can. No, wait. Ok, now I can. I think.

Now, here Windu is. To KFC he went. Smell the Colonel's chicken I must not! No, Windu, open that box so close do not! Too many, the 11 herbs and spices are! Ooooooooooh. Excuse me.

... Ok, back I am. Make it all the way to the john this time I did not. Ok it is, though. Wash out of Windu's robe it will.

Spinning the room is. So many pretty colors. Very heavy my head is. Feeling woozy I am, but keep typing I must. Yes, keep typppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Family in Crisis

Recently, on the Dr. Phil TV show we went, Windu, Kenobi, Young Skywalker, and me. Windu says "issues" we have. "Function properly as a family unit" we do not, he says. A bunch of bull doo-doo that is. But go on the Dr. Phil show he made us, anyway. Agree to this I did because maybe shut him up it would, I thought. Tired of his nagging we all are. Below, a transcript of our segment is.

DR PHIL: Welcome back. Today, we're talking with dysfunctional families to see if I can solve their problems in a space of 10 to 15 minutes. With me now are Yoda, Mace, Anakin, and Rubicon.

OBI-WAN: That's Obi-Wan, Dr. Phil.

DR PHIL: Please don't correct me.

OBI-WAN: Sorry.

DR PHIL: Now Yoda, you feel like your fellow Jedi look down on you, is that right?

YODA: No, the problem that is! Look down they do not! Over me they trip!

DR PHIL: What do you have to say about that, Mace?

MACE: I admit I've done some tripping, but that's not the main problem, Dr Phil.

DR PHIL: What do you think the main problem is?

MACE: No one listens to me. I don't feel acknowledged, or appreciated. I mean, what about my needs?

YODA: Oh, brother.

OBI-WAN: Here we go again.

DR PHIL: Now hold on, Rubicon. I'll get to you in a minute. Mace, what do you feel you need from your fellow Jedi?

YODA: A good butt-whooping.

MACE: I need to be acknowledged as a fellow human being, Dr Phil. I mean, like when I go through the trouble to polish my head so that it's nice and shiny. Just once, I'd like to hear, "Hey, nice head shine!" It's just...just...[starts to cry]

DR PHIL hands MACE a box of tissue.

OBI-WAN: I can't believe this. You're such a girlie-man.

MACE: Shut up, Obi-Wan! Real men cry! You'd know that if you came with me to one of my Promise Keepers meetings!

YODA: True it is, Windu. A girlie-man you are. A drama queen too. Maybe compliment your shiny head more we would, if nagging you would stop.

DR PHIL: [to YODA] Now, I've heard about enough from you. I see now that a large part of this family's problem lies with you. You might think you have everyone else here fooled, but you don't fool me. I might seem like I'm some dumb country boy to you, but you can't play your little mind games with me.

YODA: [waves hand] Right about everything, Yoda is.

DR PHIL: Yoda's right about everything.

MACE: Yoda! Stop that!

YODA: The one who started it, he is.

MACE: Just, stop it! We came here to get help, and all you want to do is play the Jedi Mind Trick on people. Typical, just typical.

YODA: [to Dr PHIL. waving hand] Get off Yoda's back, Windu should.

DR PHIL: Windu, you need to...

MACE: Yoda, I said stop it! Dr. Phil, don't you see what I have to put up with? No one here takes anything seriously. They don't take me seriously, and that hurts.

DR PHIL: I have to say I agree with you. What we have here is a family in crisis, and I don't see any of you taking this seriously.

[farting noise]

YODA: Hee hee. Much gas I sense in you, Young Skywalker.

ANAKIN: [laughing] It ain't me, yo!

[MACE throws hands up]

DR PHIL: That brings me to you, Anakin. I want to focus on you, because as the young person here, you're the real victim.

ANAKIN: Word.

DR PHIL: But as a young man, you need to own some of this yourself. I mean some of your behavior has just been unacceptable and you need to stop it. And I mean, stop it right now.

ANAKIN: I think everyone just needs to chill, yo. I mean, they all up in my face. They need to step off!

DR PHIL: Ok, first of all, you do know that you are white, right?

MACE: Yes! Thank you!

ANAKIN: Yo, why's everyone hatin' on me all the sudden?

DR PHIL: You say everyone's 'hating' on you, but you were the one who told our producers before the show that [reads from list]: You're a better Jedi than anyone of these guys. You think you could take any one of them, and you'd like to prove it. Isn't that right?

ANAKIN: I never said that...

DR PHIL: I have it on tape, do you want us to play it?

ANAKIN: Well, ok, maybe I did say that, but...

DR PHIL: Here's the thing, you need to get a hold of yourself. All this stayin' out late without telling anybody where you are, disobeying Rubicon here, hanging out with this Palpatine character when you're supposed to be doing your homework - it needs to stop. You're out of control. And if you don't gain control of yourself, you're going to spiral down so far you won't be able to get back up. I see this getting out of hand, so that you do something really, really stupid.

[ANAKIN stands up and draws his lightsaber]

OBI-WAN: Anakin, no!

ANAKIN: Just his hands, Master! Just let me chop off his hands!

OBI-WAN: No, Anakin. Sit down!

ANAKIN: Just one hand, then! Ok, a finger! Come on, just one finger!

OBI-WAN: I said sit down!

ANAKIN: You never let me do anything!

YODA: Yes, Young Skywalker. Sit down, you should. Jerry Springer this is not.

DR PHIL: Okay....It's time for a commercial break. When we come back, my next guest says her four-year-old daughter is wanted for several felonies in six different states, and she doesn't know what to do about it. I'm going to try to help her when we come back.

As see you can, a big waste of time this was. When this will be on the air, we asked the studio people. But, use it they probably will not, they said. I think maybe gone on the Jerry Springer show we should have.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Movie Quote Contest!

Just read Windu's post I have. A big drama queen he is. Besides, getting a tattoo I was not! Beautiful skin I have. Ruin it I would not. On Tatooine I was. Sheesh. Read a simple sticky note you people can not? Right on the fridge I put it. (So seen it several times Kenobi must have, I know.)

Anyway, an announcement I have. Having a contest for all my nice readers I am. Serious this contest is. A joke it is not. (Said that funny my blog is, some of you have. Confuses me, this does. Bared my soul to you I have. Funny to you my pain is?!)

Below, quotes from ten famous movies there are. Figure out from what movies they come and which characters said them, you must. Then, email the answers to askyoda@gmail.com you should. Put the answers in the comments, do not! Immediately disqualify you that will! Received by 11:59pm Eastern Standard Time (US) on Sunday, May 29, 2005, all emails must be. Win, the first five people to email me all of the correct answers, will. If answer all of the quotes correctly, no one can, then win, the five people with the most correct answers will. Happen, this could. Easy, some of the quotes are. But hard, some of them are.

Prizes: one (1) Gmail invitation, and one (1) autographed digital image of Master Yoda emailed to you. Awarded to each of the five winners these prizes will. Hey, look like who to you, do I - Ed McMahon? Want what from me, you people do?

Here goes:

Movie Quote #1
"Talking to me you are? Talking to me you are? Talking to me you are? Then, talking to who...else you are? Talking to me you are? Well, the only one here I am!"

Movie Quote #2
"Pregnant, Gracie is."

Movie Quote #3
"Any biscuits for sale you have?"

Movie Quote #4
"Over a Wookie I ran, back there on the freeway, I think."

Movie Quote #5
"Always, Mama said, like a box of chocolates life is. What gonna get you are, never you know."
(Up this cracks me, every time this I hear.)

Movie Quote #6
"Great this is! Usually just cardboard walls in a garage this is!"

Movie Quote #7
"When a chick over his buddies a guy picks, be wrong, something's gotta!"

Movie Quote #8
"What thinking you are, I know. Fire six shots or only five, did he? Well, the truth to tell you, in all this excitement, kinda lost track myself I have. But being as a .44 Magnum this is, the most powerful handgun in the world, and blow your head clean off it would, got to ask yourself one question you have: Feel lucky I do? Well, do ya, punk?"

Movie Quote #9
"Tricks on you the mind plays. Tricks back you play!"

Movie Quote #10
"A miracle man you rush, rotten miracles you get."

Announced Monday, May 30, the winners will be. Also, tell you the correct answers then, I will.

Tomorrow - On the Dr Phil show, Windu, Kenobi, Young Skywalker and I were. Issues we have, so go on the show Windu made us. Waste of time it was. Post the transcript of our segment tomorrow I will.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Stop Asking Me to Smile!]

MaceWinduFrown

I'm tired of you people asking me to smile! You don't know what I have to put up with every day! You just don't know.

Just this morning, that boy Anakin comes up to me and says, "Yo, Dawg! Wassup! Hey, I saw that supafly lightsaber trick you pulled on that whack Sith Lord the other day. It was fly, yo! You da man, Playa!"

I just wanted to slap him so hard. That boy has less soul than "Uncle Jessie" from that Dukes of Hazzard TV show. But he has the nerve to go around talking like that! And he wonders why I won't call him "Annie from the block". Block-head is more like it.

He's not the only one. I mean, how many times can I listen to Obi-Wan belch his way through the Alphabet before I lose my mind? And I don't care what he says, he is not using the Force to help him do that!

And Yoda. Oh my God! He keeps saying how he's almost 900 years old. Well, you'd think someone who has lived that long would have enough life experience so that he wouldn't have to keep telling the same three stories over and over again. And if I have to hear about his varicose veins one more time, I swear, I will amputate his leg for him! Don't even get me started on that Dolly Parton obsession of his.

None of that is as bad as when the three of them are together. I would love to sit down at the dinner table just once, without being drawn into a game of "Guess Who Farted". It wouldn't be so bad, if this game didn't last all night. Oh sure, they all laugh about it when it happens, but no one wants to admit to doing it. For the love of all that is good and decent, people, take some responsibility for your actions! And for your information, Obi-Wan, it is not always, "the smeller's the feller", no matter how many times you say that!

I am going to lose it one day, man, just lose it! I've tried coping. I've really tried. But trust me, they do not make enough Prozac for you to take that can make Obi-Wan Kenobi seem like a real human being. Now you tell me, what do I have to smile about? What?!

Yoda will be back tomorrow, after he's done getting his tattoo, or whatever the heck he's doing. Now leave me alone. And stop asking me to smile!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Screaming Meme

Foresee this I did. With the Force, I sensed it. Avoid it, I tried, but happened to me anyway it did. Tagged by one of those annoying memes I was. (Oh, Nic, my friend you were I thought.) Know everyone should, if with another meme anyone else tags me, tag them back I will - with my lightsaber!

Total Number Of Books I Own: Count, coloring books do? Good Jedi training, coloring books are. Focus, they teach. A great challenge, staying inside the lines is.

Last Book I Bought: From Mars Men Are, From Venus Women Are Misleading this title is. Nothing to do with space travel this book has. Looked inside this book before home I brought it, I should have.

Last Book I Read: The No Spin Zone by Sith Lord Bill O'Reilly. A Dark Side manual this is. Sith books I read, to find out what up to, they are. A "fair and balanced" butt-whooping, O'Reilly needs.

Five Books That Mean A Lot To Me:
- Anything by Dr. Phil. A wise Jedi master Dr. Phil must be. Many other things in common Dr. Phil and I have. For instance, no last name he has.
Yet, a leaning toward the Dark Side I sense in him. A lot, he yells. The Dark Side, yelling is. Careful he should be. Also, use the Jedi Mind Trick on many people at once he must. Otherwise, diet advice from a fat guy, why would people take?
-Everyone Poops Visited many worlds I have. Met many different species, many different races I have. Yet, found this to be true I have - poop, everyone really does! Profound, it is.
-Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business by Dolly Parton. My favorite, this is! Such an inspiration to me it is. Never old this book gets. Enjoyed it, I have, each of the 253 times read it I have. Every time this book I read, closer to Dolly I feel. sigh
Only three books that is, but give a rat's hiney I do not. If like it you do not, sue me you can.

Now, tag someone else with this annoyance I must. So, Jean-Luc Picard, tag. It, you are. No tag-backs. Safe, on base I am. Called it I have.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Michael and Me

YodaAndMichaelJackson

Every night, the Michael Jackson trial on E!, Kenobi watches. Painful memories for me it brings back. Told no one about this I have. Maybe the time to share, now is. Friends we all are, we are not?

Several years ago, Neverland I visited. Put me in a music video Michael Jackson promised. Meet at his Disney Ranch he wanted. So, agree I did.

Later, the real reason he wanted me there, I found out. Get me to join his zoo he tried! Also, change my name to Bubbles he wanted. "Love my llama you will!" telling me he kept.

Much money he offered me. When down I turned him, get me drunk he tried. But hold my "Jesus juice" I can. So, captive at the ranch he held me. Escape I tried, but powerful Sith Lord he is! Know this before, I did not. Let me leave, he would not, until with him for this picture I posed. Fortunately, make me share his bed he never tried.

Note to commenters: Resist the urge to make dirty jokes about this you must! Family-friendly your comments must be.

Tomorrow - Screaming MeMe.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Wisdom For the Ages

Asking me people keep, "Yoda, share some wisdom with me can you?". Like some kind of wisdom-spewing machine I am, it is.

Telling them that off the clock I am, I try. "If hear my wisdom you want, join the Jedi Academy you can. Send you a brochure I can. Stop by our campus you should. Available financial assistance is."

Still, stop bugging me for wisdom people will not. So, gathered some gems of wisdom here I have. The result of almost 900 years of learning they are. Enjoy!


Gems of Yoda's Wisdom
-Be nice to people shorter than you, you should. See up your nose, they can.
-Pet a strange Wookie you should not.
-If in a lightsaber fight you are, getting your hand chopped off, try not. (If a nickel I had for every time this advice a Jedi ignored, rich I would be. Why it is, that every time into a lightsaber fight someone gets, chopped off someone's hand is? Up with that, what is?)
-When walking you are, look down you should, so that trip over small Jedi Masters you do not.
-Try drinking more than Kenobi you should not, no matter how many times "Come on, Girlie-Man" he says.
-Anger leads to fear. Fear leads to stress. Stress leads to eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night. Eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night leads to getting fat. And that, no one wants.
-Wax on. Wax off. Wait, me that is not. Master Miyagi that is.
-Touch my Dolly Parton cd's you should, only if to die you want.
-Trouble with a capital "T", those women from Naboo are.
-Saying, "A disturbance in the Force, I sense" after someone farts, only funny once, it is.
-If sent to kill your former Padawan apprentice who has turned to the Dark Side, slaughtered all the Jedi, and is becoming the most powerful Sith ever, you are, before you leave make sure that really dead he is.

********************

Something there is that told you I have not. Someone who helps me type this blog there is. Hey, two fingers and a thumb I have! Nothing to me the "home row" means! Anyway, written on his own blog a review of some big movie there is. Get me Dolly Parton concert tickets he promised if mention this I did.

Friday, May 20, 2005

10,000 Visitors!

Holy Crap! As of tonight, over 10,000 hits my blog has received since April 27, when the counter I installed! So surprised I am! Like to thank all of you regular readers I would, and everybody who to my site linked. Please, stop do not!

"A lot of eyeballs, that is," a web designer friend said. Kind of creepy, that is. Attached to actual bodies they are, I hope.

In other news, proud to say I am that earned almost enough from Adsense to buy an Extra Value Meal at McDonald's I have. In another week or two, able to Super Size it I will be.

Mention some of the nice regular readers and commenters I would. More I would like to list, but a blog, not a phone book this is:

Nic Regular commenter. Some very nice posts about me on her blog she has. Recommend me to the Complimenting Commenter she did. A world-famous blogger and talented writer she is.
Trinamick Regular commenter.
John Regular commenter.
Jean Luc Picard Regular commenter. Much time out of commanding his starship to comment on this blog he takes.
Mr. Schprock Regular commenter. Nice person. Comments on almost every post he does.
Angel (superhero) Regular commenter. A superhero and a mom she is.
Mighty Chewbacca Furry commenter.
NYPinta Regular commenter. Obsessed with Kenobi she is.
Turboslut Lists me on her nice blog-listing site she does.

List all of the most regular commenters I tried. Sorry I am if your name I missed.

***********************

Worried Wednesday night I was. Many storm troopers gathering in one spot down the street I noticed. Rush to see what the problem was I did. It turns out going to a movie they were! Know that storm troopers like movies I did not. Wondered I did why take off their armor to see a movie they do not.

Also in line at the theater many Jedi were. Recognize any of these Jedi I did not. Drawn lightsabers many of them had! But then I noticed that plastic their lightsabers were. Plastic? Deflect blaster shots with a plastic lightsaber blade you cannot. Very confusing.

Also in line many other people were. Know any of them I did not, but like the Padawans who tend to join the Chess Club at the Jedi Academy many of them looked.

Know what movie they were seeing I do not. Probably that Jane Fonda movie it was. Ask I did not.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Wookie Love

A little ashamed I am. Upset with Chewbacca the Wookie I was today. Up on the couch he is not supposed to get, he knows. Hair all over it he leaves. And that smell! When last time on the couch he sat, five bottles of Febreze I used, and all the windows in the Jedi Temple we opened. Still, for weeks the Wookie funk lingered. Many times, slapped him with a newspaper I have, and said, "NO! Bad Wookie!"

Well, this morning while out I was, over Chewbacca came. And shedding today he happened to be. Not only sit on the couch did he, but a shower he took, while here he was! Now clogged with Wookie hair the drain in the tub is. Take my regular bubble bath I can not!

About to call him I was. Going to give him a major butt-chewing I was. But then, in my email this picture arrived:

Chewbacca and Yoda

Now, be mad at him I can not! A call I will give him, I think. But yell at him I will not. Yell at a face like that, how can you?

Thanks, Mighty Chewbacca, for the picture.

PS - Young Skywalker, crying when this picture I saw, I was not! Something in my eye there was. Yes, that's it. Something in my eye. So, laughing at me you will stop!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Drive Me Crazy Jar Jar Binks Will

Last night a call I got. Jar Jar Binks it was. Irritated I was to get his call at that time. Like being interrupted during Gilmore Girls I do not. Well aware of this he is. Locked his keys in his airspeeder again he had. The fifth time this week it was.

"Yousa gimme ride?" he asked.

"Great. Missed the ending now I have!" I yelled. Really mad I was. Now, know if Luke proposed to Lorilei or if to drop out of college Rori decided, I do not!

A ride I gave him, but speak to him the whole time I would not. All the time I tell him, get AAA he should. But, he says, trouble remembering how to spell "AAA" he has. Ninny.

Drive me into the Dark Side he will. Fantasies about strangling him I have all the time. Give in I must not. A picture of my fantasy this is:

Yoda's Fantasy

As see you can, anger management issues I have.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

See Any Resemblance Do You?

Ever been mistaken for a famous person have you? Lately, been happening to me a lot it has. Today, stopped me on the street some teenagers did. For my autograph they asked me. Happens to Jedi sometimes this does. Our service to the Republic many people appreciate. Still, flattered I was.

"So awesome this is!" said one of the young ones, "Never thought did I that Gollum I would meet!"

Gollum? Even know who this Gollum person is, I did not. Then a movie, "Lord of the Rings" Young Skywalker showed me. A big laugh at my expense he had when what the teenagers said I told him.

Know why people mistake me for this Gollum person, I do not. Sure, handsome fellow he is, but look anything like me he does not! Besides, make-believe he is. A real person I am! Know the difference between fantasy and reality these people do?!

Judge for yourself you can when the pictures below you see. See any resemblance do you? I do not.

Yoda and Gollum


On the other hand, tell the difference between these other guys (below) I can not. Peter Jackson, director of Lord of the Rings the man on the left is. Know who the guy on the right is, I do not. Peter Jackson's dad he is, I think.

Peter Jackson and his dad

Monday, May 16, 2005

The Proper Way to Eat Cheetos

Tired of Kenobi's Cheetos addiction I am. Constantly, Cheetos in between the sofa cushions I find. But the worst part that is not. The way he eats them the worst part is.

When Cheetos most people eat, wipe off their fingers they will from time to time, so accumulate that little orange stuff will not. Even lick their fingers some people do. A little gross that is, especially if sharing the bag with me they are. But, not so bad that is, compared to how Kenobi eats.

Even lick his fingers he does not. Just keep stuffing his fat face Kenobi will, without stopping. Never his fingers he cleans, until two bright orange gloves he has. Then, laugh about it he will, like a big joke it is.

Stick his hand out to me he will, and ask, "The matter what is, Yoda? Shake my hand, won't you?"

No, shake your hand I will not! Want to barf it makes me.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Many Faces of Windu

Much criticism Windu receives. Some say never he smiles. Others say only one emotion he shows, that is, if an emotion "constipation" is.

But known him a long time I have. Tell you I can, that many emotions he often shows. See for yourself you can from the pictures below.

WinduEmotions Here, happy he is.

WinduEmotions Here, sad he is.

WinduEmotions
Here, pensive he is.

WinduEmotions
Whimsical.

WinduEmotions
Goofy Mood.

WinduEmotions
Excited.

WinduEmotions
Disappointed.

WinduEmotions
???. Sometimes, tell you can not.

So, as see you can, a whole rainbow of emotions Windu can show.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Returned I Have

Young Skywalker's post I just read. Hoo boy. One little thing to do I give him, and what happens this is. Trust that kid with even a simple task I can not. That big dufus.

First of all, get my 'ears clipped' I did not. A Doberman Pinscher I am not! Getting my ears cleaned I was. Much wax, ears this size collect. A long time to clean them it takes. Dufus!

Also, know about him and Senator Amidala the Council does not, Young Skywalker thinks. But, everytime home he comes, see the hickies on his neck we can! Cover them up he tries, but stupid we are not. Besides, think read his post we would not, did he? Dufus!!

A note to commenters - Grateful for all of your comments I am! Every one of them I read. Special to me they are. But, remember, please, this blog little Padawans read too. Like answering their questions about "shagging", "family jewels", and what "****" means I do not! Awkward it is. Uncomfortable it makes me. So, "family-friendly" your comments keep, please. Appreciate it I will.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Guest Poster: Anakin Skywalker

Anakin_headshot

Yo, wassuuuup, y'all! Little Y asked me to fill in for him here. He had to go get his ears clipped or sumthin'.

He was all like, "Update my blog regularly we must, or visitors we will lose."

And I was like, "Whatever."

So here goes. Check it:

The Jedi Council is so lame, yo. Everybody thinks they all that, but they're just a buncha old guys sitting around. Seriously, they're all like, in they 30's or sumthin'. And they always gotta be all up in my face about the Dark Side. Not just that, but they always on my back about stupid stuff, "Don't leave your underwear on the bathroom floor. Don't stay out so late. Don't murder an entire village of Sand People just because you're angry about your Mom dying." You know, stupid stuff.

They ain't nuthin' like Palpatine. P-Diggity (he makes me call him that) is cool, yo. He gives me my props, you know? All the time, we be chillin' in his crib, knockin' back a couple of Colt 45's, listenin' to his Coolio cd's. He don't give me no crap about the Dark Side or nothin'. He knows I ain't tryin' to hear all that. Later on, he's gonna show me some supafly Force-choke trick. That's cool.

Well, gotta book, yo. Tonight, I'm hookin' up with Padme. That hoochie is fine, yo! Oh, the Council don't know about me and her, so let's keep it on the down-low, a'ight?

Peace out!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What Wear You Under That Robe?

Many questions people have for us Jedi. Know do you asked most which question is? "What wear you under that robe?" Answer this for you I will.

Kenobi
As mentioned before I have, "tighty-whities" Kenobi wears. Know this I do because sit around the Jedi Temple in them he likes. New underwear he should buy. Older than Young Skywalker some of his undies are. Many holes they have. "Skid marks" too. Sick it makes me when look at them I have to.

Young Skywalker
Spider-Man Underoos young Skywalker still wears. Know this I do because always leaving them on the bathroom floor he is after a shower he takes. Pick up after himself he does not.
A couple of weeks ago, whining to the Council again he was, "A grown man I am! A Jedi Master I deserve to be!" A pair of his Spideys I whipped out. An end to that, that put.

Windu
"Going commando" Windu likes. Know this I do, because tell everyone proudly he has to. Bragging about it he loves. "Unbelievable the freedom is!" he says. Like hear this anyone wants. He says a rash underwear gives him. Chafe him it does. Too much information this is!
Even at important functions about this he talks! And if enough he drinks, prove it to you he will! At state dinners he has done this! Many times pull him off of the table I have had to. So embarassing it is.

Yoda
Personal this is. Any of your business it is not.

Remind me this does - know do you the best "adult undergarment" which brand is? Least likely to leak which one is? Ask this for myself I do not. For a friend I ask this. Yes, that's it, a friend. A mighty Jedi, uh, my friend, is. Control the Force he can, but control his bladder he cannot... On second thought, never mind. Ask this I did not let us pretend.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

What a Woman Wants

Yesterday, having a discussion Senator Amidala and I were. Forgotten what it was about I have. Caring half-way I stopped. Blather on and on she can. On and on and on and on. All I know, mad about something she was. "Take me seriously Palpatine does not, blah, blah, blah...many good ideas I have, blah, blah, blah...like a child they treat me, blah, blah, blah..."

As usual, tuning her out I was. Started to daydream about going to the beach I had, when suddenly she said, "Heard a single word I have said you have not!"

Busted I was. Already, angry she was. Now, become even angrier she had.

"As bad as the rest of them you are! Listen to me you do not, because a woman I am!" Red her face was now. Bulging from her forehead a large vein was.

Now, sensitive to women's needs I am. Much insight into what a woman is feeling I have. Very experienced in this regard I am. To handle this delicately I decided. "Angry you are, I can see. Your time of the month it is?"

Tell you let me, hit hard she can! Know she is that strong I did not! A black eye I have. Still hurt it does. Next time, try to help I will not.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Seen This Man Have You?

StolenWallet

Seen this man have you? As see you can, caught on tape STEALING MY WALLET this man is! Waiting for the bus I was, my own business minding. Suddenly, my pocket this man picks! Tired I must have been. Sensed him I should have. Strong with him the Force must be.

Be so upset I would not, but in my wallet my Dollywood annual pass I kept!

If any information about this man you have, call the police immediately you should. Or John Walsh maybe. A reward there is if retrieved my Dollywood pass is.

So upset I am.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

My Evening With Dolly

On TV last night a good show was. Called "Dolly Parton - Lifetime Intimate Portrait" it was. Been looking forward to it I had. My favorite singer Dolly is. A "hottie" she is, as Young Skywalker says. So beautiful! Make a Jedi forget his oath she could! If just 830 years younger were I...

But digress I do.

Preparations for my big night I made. A long bubble bath I took. After that, in my fluffy bath robe I cozied up. Also, a pint of Ben & Jerry's "Chunky Monkey" I had saved for this. So, out of the freezer I took it.

Ready to settle down on the sofa I was, but already on the recliner Kenobi was sitting, watching his "WWE Smackdown"! Know why he watches that crap I do not. Fake it is, know this he must. But there was he, at the TV yelling, his cheap beer drinking, himself scratching, nothing but his underwear wearing. And tell you let me, look good in his "tighty-whities" Kenobi does not! Ruining my evening he was!

Angry he got when change the channel I asked him.

"Every week, this I watch! My favorite show this is!" Spewing out of his mouth Cheetos crumbs were. Stuck in his beard they were getting.

Reasoning with him I tried. "Always what you want we watch. Never what I want we watch. Always the remote you have."

Budge he would not. "Tape your show you can."

Figure out the VCR I cannot. Know this Kenobi does. Being stubborn he was.

If been called away on an "emergency mission" to Alderaan he had not, missed my show I would have! All the way to the other side of the galaxy he was sent. Come back angry Kenobi did. No emergency on Alderaan there was, said he. Sent on a wild goose chase he was. Now, a thing like that who would have done? ;)

Monday, May 02, 2005

Why Invite Clone Troopers to a Party You Should Not

A big party I threw last night. Going well it was. Dancing people were, drinking, a good time having. Rockin' it was!

Then, show up some clone troopers had to. Invite them I did not. Too much, clone trooopers drink. All the good beer they hog, until none left there is for anyone else. And, of course, bring any beer or food these troopers did not. Invite them Kenobi did, it turns out.

"Why invite them did you?!" I asked.

"Never they get out. A chance to meet new people they need." A sap Kenobi is.

Awkward it got. A big snafu I made. Introduce AF-458 as AF-459, I did. But not my fault it was! Tell the difference I cannot! So embarassed I was! Invite clone troopers I do not, this is why!