Master Yoda's Blog

Singing, the Fat Lady Is (My Last Post)

2006-04-20T15:29:00.000-04:00

Attention first-time visitors to my blog: Kind of sappy, this final post it. Perhaps enjoy the posts in the archive or under "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits", you would.

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Today, meditating about Obi-wan's situation I was. Contemplating I was the years that known him I have. When he was a youngling and showed up at the temple, I remember. Like yesterday it was. There he was, in his stained little wrestling costume, his nose picking. Wait, yesterday that was.

Anyway, in my comfy chair I sat, and some of my Dolly Parton CD's I got out. But, all over my CD's, Cheetos smudges were!

"Obi-wan!" I yelled, "In here get!"

Into the living room he came. "Look, if this is about them Dolly Parton CD's, I can explain..."

"Closer, come."

"Now, hold on..."

"Closer! Down here, lean! Now!"

"Oh, alright, just make it quick."

Around him, I put my arms.

"AAAAAAH!" he yelled, "What you doin'?!"

"Hugging you I am."

"Why? Are you dyin'?"

"No."

"Am I dyin'?"

"No, dying no one is. What family does, this is."

Just then, in Windu ran, "What the heck is goin' on in here?"

"Hugging we are."

"Why? Who's dying?"

"Dying, no one is. Come, hug you too, we will."

"Well, in that case, I am all into that!"

Then, in Young Skywalker came. "Yo, who's dyin'?"

"Join us, Young Skywalker. Hugging, we are."

"Ah, no. I ain't doin' that. You geezers is all messed up now, yo."

"Get over here, Anakin," Obi-wan said, "If I gotta do this, so do you!"

So a group hug, we had.

"We ain't goin' to be doin' this real regular, is we?" Obi-wan said.

"No. Just something I needed to do it was." Playfully I smacked him, "Doofus."

Later, meditating I was. A flash forward to the future, I had. Sometimes, the future, the Force can show you. Sometimes, full of crap, the Force is. Understand what I saw, I did not. But somehow, that alright we would be, I knew.

Like to see what I have seen, would you? Then closer you must come.

No, closer you must come.

Closer!

AAAAAAAAH! Too close that is! Trying to give me a heart attack are you?

Much better that is. Now, what I have seen, you will see. The voices I have heard you will hear. The smells I have smelled, you will smell. Not that one, though. The burrito I had for lunch that was. Shh! The future:

"Why do I have to carry you to all of your errands? What's this got to do with becoming a Jedi?"

"Quiet! A long way to the post office, it is. As big a whiner as your old man, you are. The pace pick up, or another 'present' in your designer backpack I will leave!"

Hmm, understand it all, I do not. But, more I see.

"Hmm, more snake stew I have cooked. Disgusting it is. Make Young Skywalker eat it, I will. Fun that will be. Sneak off to the Taco Bell around the corner later, I will. A good thing it is that know about the Taco Bell, he does not."

"Hee hee! Been kissing your sister you have. Hee hee!"

"Shut up! I told you, I didn't know she was my sister!"

"Hee hee! Yes, sure. Messed up, you are. Hee hee hee hee!"

"Hmm, yes. Impressive that is, Young Skywalker. Now, take all of the change that fell out of your pockets, I will. Maybe learn not to fall for this trick next time, you will."

"That boy is our last hope..."

"AAAAAAH! Kenobi! Told you before not to just appear out of nowhere like that, I have! A clean pair of shorts I need now!"

Wait! Even farther I can see...

"A'ight, yo. Who farted?"

"The feller, the smeller is, Young Skywalker."

"I can't believe you guys! Being one with the Force hasn't improved your manners at all!"

"Ha ha! It ain't me, Yo!"

"Lie do not, see through you I can, quite literally! Hee hee!"

"Fuh real, though, I think it was Obs."

"It weren't me. Hey, I recognize that smell."

"Yes, too I recognize it. But impossible that is..."

"Bob? One with the Force you are? What the - ?"

THE END

Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi

2006-04-19T13:55:00.000-04:00

Hey, how youns doin'? Good? Good. Me, I'm not doin' so good. I mean, I feel fine and all. It's just that, well, you read them there last two posts what Yoda wrote.

See, I been doin' fine my whole dad gum ('scuse my language) life just bein' plain dumb. Yeah, people made pretty bad fun of me and all. Like the time Mace and Anakin kept mockin me just because I thought road signs that said "Slow... Children" meant that the younglins that live in that neighborhood cain't move too fast. ...Or the time I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows ...Or 'cause I like to look at the pichers instead of read the words ...Or because I think that there game Chutes and Ladders is too complicated ...Or because I thought that there thing what pops out of your computer for you to put your CD in was a cupholder ...Or because my own monkey keeps beatin me at Checkers... Well, youns get the idea. But I could take it. It weren't no big thing. At least there weren't nobody feelin sorry for me.

Like I said, I was doin just fine bein just plain dumb. But now, them doctors got to give some big fancy name to it: Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. Sure, people quit mockin me now. But now, they all look at me real sad-like, like I'm one of them little kids on those Feed the Younglings commercials. They talk at me real slow, now, like I cain't understand nothin. And they feel like they have to explain everythin to me.

Just this mornin', I was in a Council meetin', and Ol' Mace said, "We'll begin that mission in the Outer Rim next Tuesday," then he turns to me and says, "That's the day after Monday."

I know which day Tuesday is! I know, 'cause that's the day of the week that the Temple Cafeteria serves Meatloaf Surprise. I generally don't go to the cafeteria that day, but that ain't the point. The point is, if this were four or five days ago, Ol' Mace wouldn't a never thought to say that to me, 'cause didn't nobody know I have this here disease. But now, he thinks he's got to treat me all special-like.

Even the Younglins are in on it. Ol' Harvey offered to tie my shoes for me every mornin, in case I couldn't handle it! I mean, come on! I'm a Jedi Master and a member of the Jedi Council, dang it ('scuse my language again)! I done beat a bonafide Sith Lord and done a whole buncha other good stuff that earned me a seat right up there with Yoda, Mace, and all of them. I can tie my own shoes! Most mornins it only takes me two or three tries to get it right, too!

And then Yoda's actin' all weird around me now. He won't let me watch my wrestlin, or Ernest Goes to Camp, or any movie with Ernest in it. He keeps shovin' what he calls 'brain food' down my throat, and don't none of it taste good. I've ate enough pickled womprat livers that I think I'm growin a tail and whiskers. And he's fed me so much raw fish that every time I open my mouth, the cat tries to jump inside. Now, whenever I try to talk to Yoda, he just pats my hand, and looks up at with them big sorrowful eyes. And then, he had to go and throw that big telethon and tell everyone that I got that there Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. So now, everybody in the whole Universe knows it! I swear, I'm gonna go plumb crazy!

Anyways, I didn't mean to complain to all youns. It ain't youns' fault. Yoda'll be back to talk to youns tomorrow, maybe for the last time in a long time. So have a good one.

The Telethon

2006-04-18T22:13:00.000-04:00

As read you have, very bad news about Obi-wan, I received yesterday. It turns out, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder he has. No cure for him there is. Be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life, he will be.

The signs I should have seen earlier. All those times that explain Beetle Bailey to him, I had to - tipped me off, that should have. The fact that trouble he has following the plot in Ernest Goes to Camp, a clue that was. So blind I have been!

Ever since hearing the news, high my blood pressure has been. Been able to eat, I have not been. Slept well I have not. All night researching Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder on the Internet, I have been. Out it turns that this disorder many famous people have:

Do something to raise awareness I had to. So a telethon I held today. To help, many celebrities turned out. Very common in Hollywood, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder is.

Maybe the telethon you saw? If not, below some highlights are:

Jerry Lewis: Hi folks and welcome to the Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder Telethon. You know, this is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. I know that a lot of you out there who have enjoyed my movies suffer from this horrible disease. In fact, they've done studies on this. And those studies show that most people who think my old movies were funny are either Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered or French, which is almost the same thing.
We have some very special people manning the phones today. Three members of the Jedi Order are with us, Master Yoda, Master Mace Windu, and Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. Let's listen in.

Master Yoda: No, the fanny pack you get only if 100 credits or more you pledge... Yes, a lot for a fanny pack that is, but... Look! If a good deal on a fanny pack you want, to Wal-Mart you should go! For charity this is! Hmph!

Master Windu: No, I can't make sure they keep Masterpiece Theater on the air. Are you sure you're calling the right place?

Jerry Lewis: Way in the back there is Anakin Skywalker, otherwise known as the Chosen One. He looks like he's working pretty hard, too. Let's say 'Hi'. How are you doing back there, young man?

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, baby, wassup? Ah, you know I miss you, girl! You my fly-girl, you know that!... Yeah, me too... Yo, baby, don't make me say that here! They's people around and spit! You know how I feel, I ain't gotta say it here, do I?... Oh, all right, [mumbling] I love you. There... what you mean you ain't heard me? Again? Ok, I love you... Aw, come on! I said, I LOVE YOU! You happy now?... Aw now, wait, baby. I ain't mean to yell at you like that. You know I ain't mean it that way...

Jerry Lewis: Ahem.

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, hang on. The geezer's callin' me or sumthin. [To Jerry] Yo, wassup.

Jerry Lewis: It looks like you're working pretty hard back there, young man.

Anakin: Yeah, well, you know. Anything for Obs. He my dawg, yo.

Doing this for Obi-wan, we all were. Still feel like it is enough, I do not.

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Kenobi's Condition

2006-04-17T13:29:00.000-04:00

Walking by the Temple Infirmary I was today. There, Kenobi I saw. An icepack on his head, he had.

"Kenobi," I said, "doing what here, are you?"

"I hit my head."

"He has a minor concussion," the medical droid said.

"Kenobi, been crushing beer cans against your head, have you? Told you how many times have I, that first open the can and empty it before trying to crush it against your head you must?"

To the side, the medical droid took me. "I'm afraid it's more serious than that, Master Yoda. Master Kenobi is showing signs of Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder."

"Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder?! Serious, that sounds! Going to be OK is he?!" Starting to panic, I was.

"The good news is no one has ever died from this disease, at least not directly."

"Mean what, by 'not directly', do you?"

"Well, the disease can cause those who suffer from it to make unwise decisions. For instance, some who have been diagnosed as Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have been known to do things such as buy homes in flood plains, stick forks in toasters, talk on the cell phone while driving, watch Jerry Springer, and sadly, try to crush beer cans against their head while the cans are still unopened and full of beer."

"Well, do what can we? Going to be this way for the rest of his life, is he?"

"We still have to run some tests and rule out other conditions. For instance, we would need to rule out Mentally Oblivious Random Oafishness Neurosis, which can be very similar."

"But going to be alright is he?! Surely, something we can do there must be!"

"Right now, there's no cure for Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. But we can try to treat the symptoms and slow the spread of the disease. Tell me, has he been watching a lot of professional wrestling lately?"

"Yes, all the time he watches that."

"Hmm. Well, he'll have to stop that immediately. Studies have conclusively shown that every time someone watches professional wrestling, that person becomes a little more Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered."

"Very difficult that will be for him."

"I'm afraid he'll have no choice. Here's a list of other programming he'll have to abstain from. As you can see, most of it is either on UPN or stars the Olsen twins."

"Yes, very useful this will be."

"Still, he will probably be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life. The upside is that most people who are Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have no idea exactly how Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered they really are, or even that they're Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered in the first place."

Completely unaware of this disease before, I was. Research it I must, so that help Kenobi I can. Aware of this affliction, more people should be!

*** By the way, late I am, but like to congratulate Captain Picard on his 200th post, I would. Check his blog out, you must!

**** In case read it you have not, an important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog.

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Youngling Parties

2006-04-15T19:38:00.001-04:00

A party for one of the classes of the Younglings I had to throw today. A deal I had made with them. If able to produce 4000 T-shirts for my T-shirt store in one week, they were, then throw a pizza and ice cream party for them I would. The promise I made because I thought that make that many T-shirts, they never could. But try anyway they would. So increased productivity I would get and have to do anything extra I would not! Brilliant it was!

But, dangle the promise of pizza and ice cream in front of Harvey, you never should. Ruled by his stomach, that boy is. Day and night he worked. And the other Younglings in his class he convinced to work day and night too. So, 4001 T-shirts they made one week last month. Ever sell that many shirts I will not! So all these extra shirts I had, plus throw a stupid party, I had to!

What's worse, Wonder Wookiee they wanted at their party too. Going to spend money on somebody in a costume, I was not! So Chewbacca I made dress up as Wonder Wookiee. But want to put the costume on he did not. A big fuss he made.

"Muaarrr!!!"

"Put it on you will! Be such a baby do not!"

"Wuaaarrrr!!!"

"Feel silly in it, why should you? See you only Younglings will!"

"Rrrrrrooooorrrrrr?"

"No, make your hips look big it does not. Now, on put it, or Wookiee Biscuits you will not get!"

"Wrrrarrrrrr!!!"

"Of course, put a picture of you in that costume on my blog, I will not!":

Like all Youngling parties, quickly into chaos this one descended. At first, playing Pin the Tail on the Womprat they were. But soon into Pin the Tail on the Windu it turned. Like that, Windu did not. Embarrassing for a Jedi Master, being chased down the hall by 20 younglings, it is. Make it any better, Windu screaming like a little girl, did not. So humiliating for him. (Hee hee!)

Then, when tired of trying to whack the piñata they were, Kenobi they strung up and whacking him they started. I guess tried to do something at this point, I could have. Hmm, yes.

But soon, so out of control it got, that even stop it I could not. At some point after the third food fight, and the 23rd chorus of "Eat It or Wear It", a good idea, one of the Younglings thought raiding Young Skywalker's underwear drawer would be. Before it I knew, his Spider-Man Underoos they were wearing on their heads and scenes from Lord of the Flies they were re-enacting.

An end to this I had to bring, so the pressure-washer I got out. All of the little monsters I sprayed. The chaos this broke up. Tomorrow, deal with scrubbing the pepperonis off of the ceiling they will have to.

****
An important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog. Read it you must.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-04-14T17:53:00.000-04:00

The last "Previously on Master Yoda's Blog" post this will be. Happy now, are you? Hmph!

Links to each individual post, each individual caption is. Read all of these posts here, you can.

Suspicious this pizza delivery boy looked.

One of the many humiliating experiences I have had, this was.

A waste of time, this support group is!

Harvey's one and only guest post, this was.

My vacation home, the people from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tried to renovate.
Part 1 Part 2

About Windu's experiences in the Ice Capades, this was.

From before Windu 'lost his groove', this was.

Coming in the future this is! Ready are you?

Like bobbing for water, this was.

Drunken Wookiee

2006-04-13T18:46:00.000-04:00

Another drunk call from Chewbacca I got last night. Stop doing this, he must! My sleep I need. Besides, nothing more pathetic than a drunk Wookie, there is.

"Wuarrrrr."

"Yes, Chewbacca, 'love you, man' I do too. But 2 am it is..."

"Wuarrrrr. Wrrrrrrr. Muaaarrrrrr."

"No, know why Senator Amidala doesn't like you 'that way', I do not."

"Mrawrrrrr."

"Oh, the 'friends just let us be' speech she gave you when out you asked her."

"Wooaaarrrr."

"Then the 'you it is not me it is' speech she gave. Well, I..."

"Wuaaarrrrr?"

"Yes, good-looking you are. Sure I am that the reason that is not."

"Muaarrrrroooorrrrarrrr."

"No, be silly do not. Getting fat you are not."

"Muaarrrrrarrrr."

"Yes, sure I am that out there, Ms. Right is."

"Rrrruuuurrrroooo!"

"No! A good idea to call her at this time it would not be. Late it is and drunk you are."

"Woarrrrr!"

"Yes, drunk you are. Hear it I can. Slurring your words, you are."

"Mrrruaaarrrrrr!"

"OK, just mean that is. Like you when you are this way, I do not. Going to hang up I am."

"Wurrrrrarrrr!"

"Well OK, since sorry you are..."

"Mwarrrr?"

"Yes, how much our friendship means to you I know. No... cry do not. Chewbacca, please, crying stop."

Wrong I was when I said that nothing more pathetic that a drunk Wookiee there is. Much more pathetic, a crying drunk Wookiee is. Get caller ID I really, really must.

Yacking With Yoda

2006-04-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

Much earlier my Stupid Intern should have posted this. But some lame excuse for not doing it, he had. A doctor's appointment, or a family member's wedding or funeral or something he had. Something like that it was. Whatever, care I do not. Do that sort of thing on his own time, he must! Unfortunately, since for free he works, dock his pay I can not. Have to feed him less, I will. Anyway, here the post is:

Still doing that stupid call-in radio show the Chancellor made me sign up for, I am. Getting any better it is not! Calling in, more losers than ever are. The stupidest job I have ever had, this is.

Caller: Yeah, so I was wondering if you know what I should about this rash I have. It's on my...

*click*

Me: Next caller.

Producer: Hey! I told you before, you can't just be rude and hang up on a caller because you don't want to hear about their problem!

Me: What other reason for rudely hanging up on a caller would their be?

Producer: Just take the next call.

Me: Hello, Lulu from Tatooine, on the air you are. Lulu? Lulu? There are you?

Producer: For the thousandth time, you have to push the flashing button!

Me: Pushing the button I am!

Producer: That's not the button, that's the light switch on the wall!

Me: Wondering why flickering the lights in here were, I was. Lulu, on the air you are.

Caller #2: Hello? Am I on?

Me: Yes, on the air you are. Your problem, what is?

Caller #2: Well, my old man keeps trading our food stamps for chewing tobacco, see...

Me: Well, a big problem that is, yes.

Caller #2: Nah, that ain't the problem. I ain't got to it, yet. See, I like the Beechnut brand, but he keeps gettin' Skoal. The way I figure, them food stamps is really mine, since the Government sends 'em to me on account of I got eight kids, most of which ain't his. So I'm thinking I should get the say over which brand of chaw we get. What do you think?

Me: Kill me now, someone must.

Caller #2: Huh?

Me: Lulu, matter it does not.

Caller #2: How come?

Me: Because gone, all of your teeth will soon be.

Caller #2: 'Cause I chew tobacco?

Me: Yes, mostly. Also at blame, inbreeding is. Anyway, dentures you will have and be able to chew tobacco you will not. So matter this argument will not.

Caller #2: Ok, but I also got this other problem...

Me: Care I do not. For calling thank you. Goodbye.

*click*

Me: All the time we have for Yacking With Yoda we have that is...

Producer: We still have 20 minutes!

Me: ...so enjoy these fine commercials for the next 20 minutes you will. In the mean time, like to leave you with this final word of advice for tonight, I would: "Just because important to you, your problem is, mean that does not that stupid it is not." A good night have.

Words to live by, those are.

Prophecy About the Chosen One

2006-04-11T12:40:00.000-04:00

Examining the Jedi Code for prophecies about the Chosen One, I was today. This passage I found:

Jediviticus 18:1-19 -
"And in those days, there shall arriveth a Chosen One. Balance to the Force that one will bringeth forth. And much annoyance he shall causeth everyone, for he will whineth in abundance to any unfortunate soul who happeneth to be near.

And he shall practiceth every manner of Wiggery. Though rhythm he will lacketh, he shall rappeth as if talent he possesseth. Speaketh in the manner of a Snoopish Dog he will tryeth, but only in sounding like one of the senseless ones, will he succeedeth.

Yea, to his master he will not listeneth, nor to his tailor will he give heed. For he shall dresseth in only black garments, just as a nerd who attendeth a Goth convention would attireth himself.

And a noble one he shall marryeth, though maketh any sense that union will not. As a small boy he will meeteth her, and as one in her teenage years, she will be. Yet, when they hath groweth up and marryeth, somehow around the same age they will looketh.

And his master will be as one who loveth cheese-flavored snacks. Yea, the cheese-flavored snacks that cruncheth as one eateth them he will pineth for, and the cheese-flavored snacks that puffeth, and the cheese-flavored snacks that twisteth. For all the cheese-flavored snacks he will pineth, the way a gluttonous pig pineth for slop. As a foolish one covered in orange dust, will the master of the Chosen One be.

And in those days when the Chosen One arriveth, plot holes shall be abundant. Many will cryeth out, "Oh, how my soul longeth for the days of A New Hope, when the Empire Shall Striketh Back, and the Jedi Shall Returneth!" Yea, for in those days, a Phantom Menace there will be, Clones Will Attacketh, and Revenge the Sith Will Haveth. But mightily it will sucketh. And the Chosen One shall be called upon to acteth at that time. But like wood, his performance will be. Like one who doth not possesseth talent, his acting will be, but on poor dialogue and bad direction most will blameth it."

Have to be so vague, why do these verses? Apply to anyone, that can! Keep researching I must.

**** His 100th post, JawaJuice just posted! Fully illustrated his latest post is! Check it out you should.

The Missing Post

2006-04-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

Missing, this post was. Looking all over the Temple for it, I was. All of the Jedi I had search for it. A regiment of Clone Troopers we called in to look for it.

"Maybe if you told us what this post looks like, General," one of the Clone Troopers said.

"Know it, when you see it, you will," I said, "Grey with white letters on the front, it is. Probably a lame, irrelevant Adsense ad it will have on it."

Everything in the Temple we turned over. The Clonetroopers I had stop and search passing air speeders. Strip searches performed on some of the Jedi, I had the Clonetroopers perform. The rubber glove they used. Do that "procedure" to Bob the Bantha to, I made them. Afraid I was that eaten it, I may have.

Finally, in the sofa cushions we found this post. So here the post is. But the only thing we found in the cushions, that was not. Other things we found: several stray credits (mine they are now), a sticky half-full Ben & Jerry's ice cream carton (know who could have left that there, I do not), 14 of Young Skywalker's hair brushes, and the cat.

"There she is!" Harvey said, "That's where I hid Fluffy! I forgot!"

Want to know I do not.

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Ask Yoda

2006-04-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

So very fortunate you are. About to share some more of my immense wisdom with you, I am. Ready are you? Perhaps a tight hat you should put on your head so that explode your brain does not.

... Ok it is. Wait for you to get your hat I will.

... Ok, ready is everyone? Then here, answers to some of your questions are:

From Your Emails...

Brownidlaxlover asks -
"We have a star wars club my friends and I do and I wouldn like to get your opinion :
Do you think one of us will go bad like Anakin did in Episode 3 revenge of the Sith?"

Answer -
Know what this "star wars" or "Episode 3" is, I do not. But go bad you and your friends will not as long as in the refrigerator with your lids screwed tight, you stay. Also, make sure to check your expiration dates, you must.

mtusken asks -
"hi im a relly big fan what spices are you? im humam is it ok to talk like you like this i mean chosen one you are well do you know padme tell her to wite bake you to ok"

Answer -
Sure what language you are using, I am not. But try to answer some of your questions, I will.
Q: 'what spices are you?' A: Made up mostly of Oregano, Thyme, and Sage I am. ... And some Cayenne for zest.
Q: 'do you know padme tell her to wite bake you to ok' A: Yes, Senator Amidala I know, but painful, this 'wite baking' sounds. Want her to do that to me, I would not! However, tell her you said 'Hi' I will.

j b asks -
"Hello, I have a new undrilled 10# bowling ball and bag. Do you have any idea what it is worth?"

Answer -
On what planet you are on, it depends. For instance, the main form of currency on Planet Caucasia, bowling balls are. Because very big pockets they have, this is. Especially valuable to middle-aged married Caucasian males, bowling balls are.

Dorothy K asks -
"Did you marry Yaddle?"

Answer -
A complete lie, that article in the National Inquisitor was! No secret wedding there was. And if getting married I was, have MC Hammer officiate, I would not! And even met Sean Penn I have not, so why make him my best friend, would I? But thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify this, I must, Dorothy.

MeDrewNotYou asks -
"The force can help with colds, right?"

Answer -
Yes, take TheraForce for that cold, you should. TheraForce for Day in the morning and TheraForce for Nights when about to go to sleep you are. After taking either one, attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery you should not.

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My Show Business Background

2006-04-08T12:35:00.000-04:00

Tired of Windu talking about the "Glory Days" I am. A background in show business he has, he keeps saying. But "show business", the Ice Capades are not!

Normally, like to talk about certain parts of my past I do not. But to shut Windu up somehow I had to. So in my old pictures I dug around and this I showed him:

[Scroll down you must]

The one in the middle, I am. (Hard to tell us apart here, it is.) Brag now, who can? Hmm?

Stay with this band, ZZ Top, I did not. Too jealous of me, the other guys were. Fronting the band I was, so more attention I got. Interested only in me, even the groupies were. So out of the band they kicked me. A big mistake for them, that was. Huge, they could have been if me they had kept.

About starting a solo career I thought. But getting tired of all of the fast cars, fame, and women, I was. Sure I am that relate you can.

.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-04-07T15:40:00.000-04:00

Perhaps too many of these 'Previously' posts, I have posted. Hmm, yes. Well, get ready for another one you must.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

[Links to each individual post, the captions are. Also found here, all of the posts mentioned below can be.]

Desperate we were. This man's services we needed.
Part 1 Part 2

A bad influence on Young Skywalker, this Hutt is.

From himself, Windu needs saving.

The perfect disguise this was. No way there is that recognize me, anyone could.

A little creepy, Kenobi's devotion to this Jessica person is.

All the wrong places, my hair grows.

Ah, the minds of younglings! So annoying they can be.

**** By the way, picked soon, a winner on Big Brother Naboo will be!

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The Jedi Code

2006-04-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

To stop me from administering Force-wedgies, the Council tried yesterday. That it is against the Jedi Code, they claimed. (I think maybe from here they got that idea.) But, better than any of those doofuses, I know the Jedi Code. Read it cover to cover many times I have. So, this verse I showed them:

Jedi Code, Book of Geonosis, Chapter 23, Verse 57 -
(Translated from the ancient text)
"And in the case of a soul who practiceth doofustry, thou shalt hiketh up his inner garment in a painful manner. Yea, with the Force, thou must hiketh up his inner garment so that it buncheth up where the sun shineth not. And thou must not feeleth sorry for a soul, in the case of a soul who practiceth doofustry."

"Now, hold on a minute," Kenobi said, "Is that the Emperor James translation? 'Cause I don't believe no other translation."

"Of course, the Emperor James translation it is, Kenobi. The kind of question a doofus would ask, that is. Unfortunately, in accordance with this verse, a Force-wedgie I must give you now."

Quote the Jedi Code often, I must. Use it to help break Kenobi from running inside the Temple with his lightsaber, I had to.

This passage I showed him:

1 Ithorians 16:11, 12 -
"Thou shalt not runneth with thy lightsaber the way a hyperactive child runneth with scissors. Any soul who runneth with his lightsaber shall be branded a doofus and cast out from the Order for 40 days and 40 nights. And he must weareth a chicken costume those 40 days and 40 nights. And he must call out in a loud voice, "Stay away! I am a doofus who knoweth not how to acteth around a lightsaber! Shun me, for I hath runneth with my lightsaber like a senseless baboon."

So, forced to make Kenobi do this, I was:

Do what, could I? In the Jedi Code, it is! But one day, this verse Windu showed me:

Droideronomy 26:7 -
"Thou shalt not stuffeth ice cream in thy face every night while thou sitteth on thy couch. Thou must not piggeth out on the unnatural mixing of that which is Ben and that which Jerry. Thou must not partaketh of both that which is Chunky and that which is Munkey. Thou shalt not gorgeth thyself like a shameless pig."

But a metaphor that is supposed to be. Believe in such a literal interpretation of the Jedi Code I do not. How to interpret the Jedi Code, you have to know.

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Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi [Topic: My Big Ol' Heart]

2006-04-05T13:28:00.000-04:00

I don't like to talk about my feelins much. I mean that's perty much Ol' Mace's deal, him bein' a girlie-man and whatnot. And I ain't no girlie-man. I don't care about that there skin foilage or nuthin. Won't catch me spendin no three hours in front of no mirror. But sometimes even a real man like me just feels somethin so big that it's like his heart is gonna plum explode, lessin he talks about it. I feel that right now, so I gotta talk about it. So here goes.

Ain't the human heart sumthin'? Here, I gotta tell ya, I thought I had just one true love. Oh, she was beautiful. She was so comfortin'. She would just ease my pain any time she could. And she was always there for me. There were times when I would just hold her all night long.

Would you like to see a picher of my one true love? Well, scroll on down, then.

Ain't she beautiful? I love her so much. She's done so much for me. And for the longest time, I thought I couldn't love no one else. But then, I saw her:

One bite, and I had fell in love all over again. Sure, she wasn't exactly like my first love. She was all puffy sometimes. But I didn't mind. She was beautiful to me.

But still, it felt like I was cheatin' on my first love. I mean how could I love both Crunchy and Puffy? I used to stay up nights tryin to think this here thing over in my head. But then, it hit me - Why cain't I love them both? Just 'cause I loved Puffy now didn't mean I stopped lovin' Crunchy. In fact, I think I loved Crunchy now more than ever.

That's what I'm talkin' about when I say the human heart is really sumthin'. It's big enough to have enough space for two true loves, and maybe even one of them there big tool boxes, some fishin' rods, and a gun rack. And that's a real good thing to know, too. 'Cause I just discovered her:

I gotta tell ya, I think I'm fallin for Twisty, too! Now, I know this might not seem right to a lot of youns. In fact, Crunchy, Puffy, Twisty, and me might have to move to that there planet Utah just so's people could accept us. But I'll do whatever it takes. 'Cause I'm in love, times three.

By the way, Yoda'll be back to talk to youn's tomorrow. So have a good 'un.

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Lightsaber Madness

2006-04-04T14:10:00.000-04:00

So angry I am. A new lightsaber I needed because broken my old one was. But want a standard lightsaber I did not. One of those special lightsabers that can rotate in the middle of the handle I wanted. Called a "swinging" lightsaber it is. So a swinging lightsaber I ordered. But a singing lightsaber they sent me!

More annoying than one of those singing fish on a plaque, it is! It's choice of songs, the most annoying thing about it is. Mostly show tunes and Barry Manilow songs it sings! A few other songs it knows, but no better they are. Command how much respect from a Sith Lord can you when in the middle of a battle "Feelings" your lightsaber starts singing?!

Going to send it back and get a new one was, but suddenly had to go to Dantooine I had to. Launching a major invasion there, the Separatists forces were. So to Dantooine I got. Ready to throw down, I was. Going to kick major Separatist butt, I was. Into the Separatist camp with my clone troops I went. Suddenly, confronted by Dooku I was! Now my chance was! Finally able to smite down Dooku, I would be. There too, General Grievous was! Now able to kill two doofuses with one stone, I would be!

But first, going to settle things man-to-doofus, Dooku and I were. Ready for a lightsaber duel, we got. Around us to watch, all the troops and droids gathered. His lightsaber, Dooku drew. My lightsaber I drew. On I turned it. At me he charged. My lightsaber I swung, and then...

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today!..."

To the ground laughing, Dooku fell. Then laughing, Grievous started. Even laughing at me, their droids were! Laughing behind me I heard. Around to look at the clone troopers I looked. Quiet they were, but holding their hands over their mouths, they were. Then suddenly, laughing again they bursted out.

Leave in disgrace I had to. So humiliating that was! I think deliver my lightsaber back to the manufacturer in person I will. Demonstrate how it works on their heads, I might! Hmph!

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Sniff

2006-04-03T12:40:00.000-04:00

My bedroom window I left open last night. Now making that annoying whistling noise my nose is. Stop it I can not. Tried I have. Blown my nose until dizzy I became, I have. I think parts of my brain I may have blown out. Sticking cotton up my nose I tried. But then breathe I could not. So stuffy I am. Those nasal sprays I tried. A whole spray-bottle I emptied. Very high, it made me. Having psychodelic hallucinations, I was. Many pretty colors I saw, but still whistling my nose was.

Hard to command respect it is, when whistling your nose is. Stop laughing at me the Younglings would not when trying to instruct them today I was. OK that is, though. Yard work I am having them do until the urge to laugh they no longer have. No better in today's Council meeting, it was. Giggling like a bunch of little girls those guys were whenever speak I would try. Doofuses!

Even check the mail I can not. While at the mailbox I was, walking by a young Twi'lek female I was. The noise my nose made. My face she slapped. "Pig!" she shouted, "Men! They're all the same!"

To go back into the Temple I turned, when all the Wookiees in the neighborhood running towards me I noticed! The whistling noise they must have heard! Run fast enough to make it back to the Temple in time I could not! Twenty Wookiees jumping on me and trying to like me at the same time there were!

Either clear my sinuses soon, or go into hiding I must.

Walking With Windu

2006-04-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

After me to start exercising, Windu has been. Very concerned about my heath he is. To do things that are good for me, he keeps trying to convince me. In other words, very annoying he is!

"Yoda," he says, "you need to get out and get that little heart pumping! I mean, pumping hard, man! Your heart is crying out to be pumped! But you're strangling it with your Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky, your Double McGreasy Burgers from Mc Burgerland, your El Blubber Grande Burritos from Taco Hutt, your Extra Lardy Fried Chicken from Kamino Fried Chicken, your..."

"Alright! The point I get!"

"And your lungs! Don't you want your lungs to be all pink and pretty? You've got to exercise them, man! You've got to give yourselves some pretty lungs! Pretty lungs are important! My lungs - they're pretty, man! That's because I get out and exercise! I get my heart pumping, my lungs pumping, my bladder pumping..."

"Your bladder pumping did you say?"

"I drink a lot of water, too. But forget that! The point is my insides are almost as pretty as my outsides, man! And I want your insides to be pretty, too! So tomorrow, you and I are going to go walking!"

"OK, good that sounds I guess."

"Really?" Very excited to hear me say that, he was.

"Yes, tomorrow go walking with you I will." Want to go walking, I did not. But I thought that maybe shut him up, it would. Stand to hear him go on and on I can not.

So early this morning, Windu I met near the front door. Very perky he was. "Mmm, boy! Just look at what a beautiful day it is, yes sir! I can't wait to go out and conquer it with sheer Winduness! That's right!"

"Had your coffee already, you must have."

"I don't need coffee, man! I am high on life! I don't need to be caffinated, sugared, and milked! I am Mace Windu! I am excited just to be me!"

Already hating him, I was. "Wearing what, are you?"

Wearing bicycle pants and a matching spandex top, he was. Like an idiot, he looked. "This is a fitness suit, man! Are you so unfamiliar with exercise that you don't know a fitness suit when you see it?"

"But just going walking we are."

"You wouldn't understand this, but it is important to be stylin' no matter what you're doing!"

"And the bicycle helmet? Wearing that, why are you?"

"With a pretty head like mine, you've got to protect it all times!"

"Again, just going walking we are."

"I can't take any chances, man! My cranium is too beautiful to risk it!"

Then, stretches and jumping jacks he started doing. "Warming up" he called it.

"But just going walking we are!"

"Exactly! I wouldn't want to pull something!"

"You know, need to do this, I do not. Very fit I am. In excellent shape I am."

"We'll see about that," he said.

Finally, walking we started. After a while, my heart I started to feel pumping. Pumping very hard it was. A lot I was sweating. Drenched, my clothes were. Having trouble breathing I was. Very tired, my legs were getting. About to give out on me they were, it felt like! "Windu," I said, "head back now we must. Go any farther, I can not."

"But we're not even to the end of the driveway, yet!"

"Yes, well work up to that, I will have to. Push it on my first time out, I should not."

When back into the house I got, that I needed to re-hydrate myself, I realized. Very important to keep hydrated, it is. So to the fridge I went and a beer I took out. Very conscious of my health, I am.

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Top 10 Worst Things About Being One of Padmé Amidala's Handmaidens

2006-04-01T19:26:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago in this post, a list of drawbacks to being one of Senator Amidala's Handmaidens, Lt. Cmdr Oneida wrote.

Because very original my Stupid Intern is not, his own list he wrote. So, for your enjoyment, my Stupid Intern's...

Top 10 Worst Things About Being One of Padmé Amidala's Handmaidens

10. The confusion that results from more than one handmaiden using the mirror at the same time.

9. All the cool names that end in "é" are already taken.

8. All of the dirty old Japanese businessmen who try to ask you out.

7. Constantly being confused for a street mime.

6. In full face make-up, you are just one fuzzy red nose away from working in a circus.

5. Your boyfriend keeps using the excuse, "But I thought she was you!"

4. Having to sit in for Amidala every year at the "Sink the Senator" dunk tank at the county fair.

3. You suddenly become Padmé's "food taster" every time the milk in the fridge has lasted past it's expiration date.

2. You tell another handmaiden a secret, followed by "Whatever you do, don't tell Sabé," then realize you had been talking to Sabé the whole time.

1. That creepy Skywalker kid keeps referring to you as part of his "harem".

Think of any more, can you?

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Previously On Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-03-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

Like to take a walk down Memory Lane with me would you? Well, too bad that is! Going to anyway, you are! Hmph!

(A link to each individual post, each captions is. For easy reference, find all of these posts here you can.)

The answers to my prayers it is! Or is it?

Taken at a Wookiee concert, this was. Know how they applaud, do you? Shock you, the answer may.

Very angry I was when out of my meditation I awoke, and like this I found myself.

Other events like this, I remember...

Stupid eye exam tests at the DMV!

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Fishing With Kenobi

2006-03-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

Fishing with Kenobi on Naboo, I went today. One of the few things I can stand to do with him, it is. Still, keep from being a doofus, he could not.

"Kenobi, have to use your beard to hold your flies and lures, do you? For that, a tackle box is!"

"I can get to 'em quicker this way."

"Kenobi, a beer out of the cooler get me."

"We're out. There ain't none left."

"What?! In the boat we just got! Had a beer yet, I have not! A whole case there was!"

"Yeah, there was just that one case. So there weren't hardly enough to get me through the trip up here. Guess that'll learn ya to bring more beer next time, huh? By the way, I gotta pee real bad for some reason."

Getting on my nerves more and more as the day went on, he was.

"Kenobi!" at him I yelled, "Lick your fingers after baiting your hook, do not! Making me sick, you are!"

"You gotta take the fun outta everything!"

For a long time, biting nothing was. Getting frustrated I was. Finally, a jerk on the line I felt! A big walleye bass it was! Putting up a big fight it was. To struggle with it for half an hour I had to! Finally, in I brought it.

Huge it was! Sure I was that a record I set! But a catch and release policy Naboo has, so to throw it back I would have. The only proof, a picture would be.

"Quick, Kenobi! A picture take!" I yelled.

The camera he got out and this picture he took:

[Scroll down you must]

That doofus! Even take a simple picture he can not! Believe me now, no one will! Some quality time with the pressure washer he and I will spend tomorrow.

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Eye-Sore In the Parking Garage

2006-03-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

Sick of seeing that air speeder of Kenobi's every time I go to the Jedi Temple parking garage, I am. An old, beat up Traan-Zam speeder, it is. Run, it does not. Up on blocks it is. A real eye sore it is!

Body parts from other speeders from the salvage yard it has. Even some parts from a Kom-Arrow speeder, it has. A different color from the rest of the body, the driver's side door is. And a different color from that door and the rest of the body, the hood is. A bunch of rusty holes filled with Bond-O it has. Patched with duct tape, the seats are.

Force Kenobi to haul it off I would, but the only thing covering the oil slick beneath it, it is. Make enough Bantha litter to soak up that much oil, they do not.

Still, complain to Kenobi I must. "Kenobi! Do something about that junk speeder, when are you?"

"That ain't no junk speeder! That there Traan-Zam is a classic!"

"My eyes it hurts to look at it!"

"I told you, I'm fixin' it up!"

"Been 'fixing it up' for five years now, you have! Take how many more years of fixing will it, before run it can?"

"These things take time! You can't just restore a classic overnight!"

"Evidently, you can not!"

Interested in buying an old, beat-up "classic" speeder are any of you? I think put it on eBay, I will.

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Disrespect!

2006-03-28T17:36:00.000-05:00

Walking through the toy store today I was. Looking for presents for the Younglings I was. Known what a mistake it would be to go there, I should have.

Before it I knew, at me a little pointed then said, "Daddy! Daddy! Look! It walks and everything!"

"Hmph! A toy I am not..."

"You don't want that, Sweetie. It's so ugly. Let's find you something cute."

"What?! One minute here, just wait. Ugly I am..."

"He even talks! Oh, Daddy, can I have it, please?"

"You know," the man said as up he picked me, "I can't see where you put the batteries..."

"Hey! Looking under my robe, stop!"

"I don't see a price tag, either."

"Down, put me! Like being upside-down, I do not!"

"It looks like it was pretty cheaply made, too."

At that, with my cane I whacked him. Let go me then, that made him.

"Ow! That's it! We are not bringing any violent toys into our house!" Then his daughter's hand he grabbed and off they went.

About to give them both Force-wedgies I was, when up to me a store employee came.

"What is this thing doing out of the box?"

"No, wait!..."

Fast, she was. Before do anything I could, like this I found myself:

[scroll down you must]

A Force-wedgie for this act of disrespect, every employee in the store received. Still, a while to figure out how to get out of that box, it took me.

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Simple My Needs Are

2006-03-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

Simple my needs are.

Sometimes, a bologna sandwich, all I want is. All that is required to make me happy that would be. A bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread, all I want is. Yes, enough that would be - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways. Yes, all I would need that would be - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard. Yes, all I want, that is - a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese. Yes, all I need that is. Happy I would be.

Yes, and go well with that sandwich, a glass of Sauvignon Blanc would. Hmm, yes, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, needed to add to my sandwich all that would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese and Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, all I need is.

And eat that while sitting in a comfy chair I would. Yes, a recliner that leans back - perfect that would be. Hmm, yes, eat my sandwich and drink my wine in a rocker recliner that vibrates I would. All I need, that is - a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy. No more than that would I require - a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, all I need is.

And look out the window at a nice view while eating my sandwich, drinking my wine, and sitting in my comfy chair, all I would need to do, would be. Yes, eat my sandwich while looking at the ocean from my beach-front villa, all I would need is. Yes, all I need, that would be - eating my sandwich while looking out of the window in my beach front villa with another view of mountains to one side. Yes, all I need that would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, all I need is.

Of course, need to listen to music while eating my sandwich, drinking my wine, sitting in my comfy chair, and looking at the ocean, I would. But all I need that would be. Listen to music from a Bose Acoustic Wave machine, all I would need to do, is. Yes, all I need that is - a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control. Yes, satisfied I would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, and a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control playing my favorite music, all I need is.

Yes, and share it with a special someone I would. Yes, all I need that is. To eat my sandwich while drinking my wine, sitting on my comfy chair, looking at the ocean and the mountains, listening to my favorite music, and cuddling with Dolly Parton, all I need is. Yes, satisfied with only that, I would be. So, a bologna sandwich on gourmet parmesan whole wheat bread with sweet pickles sliced longways with Grey Poupon mustard and deli-sliced asadero cheese, Sauvignon Blanc served in a fine crystal glass, and a rocker recliner that vibrates and has a heated seat for my tushy and a cup-holder for my drink, and a nice view of the ocean and mountains from a beach-front villa, and a Bose Acoustic Wave machine with a 40-disc cd changer and a remote control playing my favorite music, and Dolly Parton to feed my sandwich to me, all I need is.

Yes, simple my needs are.

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Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Reflections]

2006-03-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

I want to put the rest of the Jedi on notice here and now that my head is no longer to be used as your personal mirror. Do not ask me to lean closer so that you can check your hair (I am talking to you, Anakin!), your make-up (ahem, Yaddle), or whether the contents of your dinner managed to make it all the way into your mouth instead of on your face (I think we all know who I am talking about here). As you all know, I carry no less than three real mirrors in the pockets of my robe at all times. You are more than welcome to use these, though I don't know why you can't just carry your own mirrors. But you will no longer be allowed to check your reflection on my head. To be used this way is demeaning, deflating, demoralizing, and destabilitizing.

I worked long and hard to make my pretty cranium the shiny, reflective thing of beauty that it is. I did not work so hard so that every yahoo with a zit on his nose could come along and make me wait while he pops it. It's humiliating, man!

Just yesterday, the little green man and I were eating at that hot dog stand down the street. As usual, I was having my tofu dog with organically produced ketchup and mustard, because my body is a temple, man. Of course, Yoda was having his disgusting chili dog topped with every artery-clogging substance he could find. Yoda's body is not a temple, man. It's fallen-down tool shed at best. Anyway, I made a mistake that day.

"Yoda, you have a chili bean on your face." I shouldn't have said it, but I did. I couldn't help it man! He was just sitting there, all through lunch with that chili bean sitting on the corner of his mouth, trying to talk to me about troop deployments and padawan training initiatives. It was making me sick!

"Get it did I?"

"No. It's on the right side of your mouth."

"Get it now, did I?"

"Your other right, man."

"Now?"

"No. A little higher."

"Useless this is. Down here, bend."

"No, now come on!"

"Down here, bend."

"But I have actual mirrors you can borrow. There is no need..."

"Down here, bend, I said, Doofus! Want a Force-wedgie, do you?"

Why I put up with this indignity, I don't know:

In case you care (and I don't know why you would), Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow.

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Mess With My Chunky Munky Do Not

2006-03-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

Feeling very stressed today I was. So forward to drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky I was looking. Always count on Chunky Munky to make me forget my worries I can. But when to the freezer I got, gone, all of Ben & Jerry's was!

"Kenobi!" I yelled. "Sense your presence I can! Hiding in the pantry you are!"

"No, I ain't!" a voice from inside the pantry said.

"Out of there come, or coming in after you I am!"

Just then, a blood-curdling scream I heard. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! My head!! Oh Force, it hurts!"

Then open the pantry door flew. Kenobi standing over a bunch of empty Ben & Jerry's cartons it revealed. Holding his head he was.

"Kenobi, OK are you?" I asked.

"My head! It hurts so bad! I feel like I just want to cut it off! Oh god it hurts!"

"Worry not, Kenobi. Take care of you, I will. An ice cream headache you have. But a cure I have. Passed down to me by my mother it was."

"Please, just make it go away!"

"OK, closer come. Closer. Good. Fine, right there is." Then, in the shins as hard as I could with my cane, I smacked him. Down to the floor he crumpled.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH! That hurt! What'ya do that for?" he said. Holding his shin in pain he was.

"Forgotten about your headache have you?"

"Yeah."

"Welcome you are."

Even charge for that I did not. See how giving I am, do you?

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Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-03-24T17:14:00.000-05:00

At first, a sneaky way of getting out of actually writing a real post, these "Previously on Master Yoda's Blog" posts may appear to be. But absolutely false that is. Sneaky it is not. Very blatant it is.

So, previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

(Links to the actual posts, the captions are.)

Very cold, my ears sometimes get.

A problem, Young Skywalker's foot odor has become.

Hint: Me, the one in the middle is not.

Screen my calls from this Hutt, I must.

Happen to catch that progam called Misfire did you when on it Windu and I were? Intelligent Design we debated.

***********
By the way, kept up with Big Brother Naboo, have you? On this week's challenge, Darth Vader himself, the judge was!

At the Kennel Show

2006-03-23T16:01:00.000-05:00

In the Kennel Show I entered Chewbacca. I figured that a good chance for us to win some money it would be. More money for a trip to Dollywood I need.

Doing well we were. Very good Chewie looked. His hair he had done before the show, so quite full of himself he was.

Then, the part of the show where we trot around the judging area, it came to. Doing pretty well at first we were. But out on the field, a cat started running! Broken Chewie of chasing cats yet, I have not. So out of control he started running! See the results below you can.

[Scroll down you must.]

In last place we came. Do anything right, that Wookiee can not! Remember to smack him with a rolled-up newspaper I must.

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Ever Able to Show My Face At That McBurgerland Again, I Will Not Be

2006-03-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

To the park I took the Younglings and Bob the Bantha this morning. By noon, very hungry we were.

"Master Yoda, can we go to McBurgerland and get a Cheerful Meal?" Harvey asked. Always concerned about his stomach he is.

"Yes," I said, "Very healthy that will be. Poor enough my circulation is not. Double McGreasy Burger with Cheese I need so that completely blocked, my arteries will be."

"Please!" he said, "You don't hafta worry about your heart stopping, Master Yoda! We learned CPR! Come on, please!"

"No."

Then, in the rest of the Younglings joined, "Please!"

"No."

"Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!..."

"Oh, alright! Go to McBurgerland we can!" I said, 250 'pleases' later.

Trouble there was when to the McBurgerland we got. Open, the door would not. Very strenuously, I pushed. Still open, it would not. All of the Younglings I had help. Still nothing.

Inside the restaurant I looked. Inside people were. Opened for business it appeared to be.

So some more we pushed. Still open it would not. Getting mad at the door by this time I was. Also, very hungry I was getting. To get inside that stupid McBurgerland I wanted.

"Stand back, Younglings," I said.

A running start from far back into the parking lot I got. Very fast at the door I ran. Wham! Very badly that hurt. Still, open the door would not.

So using the Force I tried. But even affected by the Force, the door would not be! Desperate measures, this called for.

Bob I backed up to the door. The Younglings I put on the other side of the parking lot. "OK, your hands over your noses and mouths everyone hold! Ready?! PICKLE!"

Just then, out the front door, the manager came. But too late to stop Bob it was.

"MUAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbbtttt!!!!

"AH!!!!!!! My eyes!! My eyes!!" the manager yelled, "Oh god, that's cough awful! cough cough What in the world cough are you people cough doing?! I'm never going to get this cough smell out of my clothes!"

"Sorry about that I am," I said, "But open, your door would not. Pushing on it for a long time we tried."

"Perhaps," the manager said, "next time cough you'll take some time to notice the sign:"

I think that ever able to show my face at that McBurgerland again, I will not be.

.

A Visit From My Cousin

2006-03-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

A visitor I received at the Temple today. My Amish cousin Yoder, it was:

"Yoder, doing what here are you?"

"Cometh into town to selleth my wares, I hath. But to seeth thee I wanted, Cousin. A long time since setteth my eyes on thee, it hath been. A long time hast pasteth since cometh to visiteth me and my household thou hath."

"Yes, well, meaning to visit you I have been, but detained by the war I have been."

"A load of bantha squeezings that hath be, Cousin. Seeth through thee, I can. An excuse that hath be."

"Ok, right you are. Sorry I am. Visit you as soon as I can, I will. Get here, how did you?"

"In my bantha-driven speeder buggy I rodeth here. Parked in thy parking garage it hath be. That thou mindeth not, I hopeth. It hast blocketh someone's speeder."

To look at it we went. "Hmm, yes. Blocking a speeder it is. But Windu's speeder it's blocking, so it matters not. Say, old your bantha is looking. Interested in buying another one, are you?"

"Unloadeth thy demon bantha on me, thou shalt not. Possessed with evil gas it hath be. Screweth me over thou shalt not."

Kind of cynical for an Amish person, Yoder is.

.

Guest Poster: Obi-wan Kenobi [Topic - Teachin' the Younglins]

2006-03-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

That there Harvey the Younglin asked me a very important question today. It was a question every younglin asks some time or another. That's cause it's just natural to be ~~kyurius~~ ~~cureeus~~ ~~cyoorius~~ wonderin' about stuff like that. Besides, that boy's about the age when younglins want to know some about the facts of life.

So he asked me, "Master Obi-wan, where do Cheetos come from?"

Now, most of the time, when one of the Younglins ask me a question, I just make sumthin' up, 'cause most of the time I don't got no answers. But this time I was ready. I know all about Cheetos, and where they come from, and what-not.

"I'm real glad you asked that, Harvey. I think you're old enough now to know the answer to that one. You see, Cheetos come from the Cheeto Elves what live in the big Cheetos shoe."

His eyes got real wide. "Really?"

"Yup. Sure is."

"Is that like the Keebler Elves in the Keebler tree?"

"Nah. This here's completely differnt. See, them Keebler Elves is just make-believe. Cheeto Elves is real."

"Oh."

"Yup. Them Cheeto Elves work day and night with their magic Cheeto dust puttin' together Cheetos so's they can be delivered to all good little Younglins by Chester Cheetah."

"You sure know a lot, Master Obi-wan."

"I guess so. So, where'd you think Cheetos came from before I told you?"

"I thought they were manufactured at a factory, using a process which combines different ingredients derived from agricultural products like enriched corn meal, vegetable oil, soybean, and a small amount of cheddar cheese, along with artificial ingredients such as maltodextrin, monosodium glutamate, and food coloring; and then packaged and shipped to distributors and then wholesalers and vendors until finally they're delivered to local merchants, such as supermarkets and convenience stores."

"Well, don't feel bad. You just weren't old enough to know no better." Heh heh, them Younglins sure get some funny ideas sometimes, don't they?

Anyways, Yoda will be back to talk to youns tomorrow. So have a good one.

Why Tickle Yourself You Can Not and Other Important Matters

2006-03-19T15:46:00.000-05:00

Today, sitting in the middle of the Temple living room with his shoes off and staring at his feet, Harvey the Youngling was.

"Doing what, are you, Harvey?" The question I asked, but a feeling I had that asked I should not have.

"Trying to tickle myself."

Correct, my feeling was.

"Doing that, why are you?"

"'Cause it's Monday."

"Oh," I said, pretending that sense his answer made, "You know, impossible to tickle yourself, it is."

"Really?"

"Yes. A fact that is. Tried, many have. Carefully chronicled in the Jedi Archives, their attempts have been. Look it up you can. Tickle yourself you can not."

"Why?"

"I know not."

"Why?"

"Because I know not."

"But I thought you knew everything, Master Yoda."

"Hee hee. Very wise I seem to you, hmm?"

"No. Just old."

"Hmph! Well old I am, but know everything I do not."

"Well, that seems like a real important thing to know. I mean, when I get real old like you, I'm gonna make sure and know real important stuff like why people can't tickle themselves."

"Good to have goals, it is."

"Say, Master Yoda, can you tickle someone with the Force?"

"Yes. The Jedi Tickle Trick, it is called. Watch this."

Just then, walking down the hallway, Windu was. "Hey Yoda, I need to talk to you. I... what the?... Hee hee! Ha ha! Hey, stop! Ha ha ha ha! Stop! Hee hee hee! No, I mean it! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Eventually, on the floor lauging uncontrollably, Windu was. "Hee hee hee hee! Ho ho ho ho ho. Please, stop! Oh God, I'm going to get wrinkles from this! A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"That was cool!" Harvey said, "Do ya have to stick your hands up and wiggle your fingers in the air like you did?"

"Yes. And say, 'coochie coochie coo', you must. Very important saying, 'coochie coochie coo', is. Or else work, the Jedi Tickle Trick will not."

"That is awesome! I'm gonna go try it!" He said, as off he ran.

"Harvey, wait! Only use the Jedi Tickle Trick only for good, and not evil, you must!" But too late, I was. Before it I knew, Force-tickling everyone and everything from the cat to tourists and senators who were visiting the Temple, Harvey was.

Created a monster, I have.

.

No Time to Post I Have

2006-03-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry I am, but no time to post today I have. Time to sit down and write a post I have not. Just too busy today I am. So be posting today I will not.

You see, much time to sit down and write one of these posts it takes. Much time. And time for that today, I have not. Do anything about that I can not.

Yes, have to wait until tomorrow for a post you will. Believe me, if time to post I had today, post I would. And reading an actual post right now, you would be. But unfortunately, find the time to post today, I can not.

Imagine how much time I am saving by posting today, you can not. Know what I will do with all that time I do not. But I know that do something with it I will. Because very busy I am that is. Way too busy to even write a short post I am.

Yet, almost guilty for not writing anything today, I feel. But the way it is, that is. If time to write I have not, time to write I have not. Do anything about it I can not.

Nor time to post a picture like this do I have:

A lot of time to post a picture like that, it would take. And time I absolutely do not have, that is. So posting any pictures like that today I will not.

Yes, nothing in this space will there be today. Time to put anything here I have not. After all, an important member of the Jedi Council I am, so inevitable it is that happen at one point this would, it was.

If even a second I had, post something I would. But a second I have not. Not even a mili-second I have. Not the tiniest fraction of a second I have. Otherwise post something I would. But even a nano-second for posting I have not.

.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-03-17T12:32:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that very late this post is. Stupid Blogger's fault it is! But worry not! A Force-wedgie I have given all Blogger employees at once. By the way, late tomorrow's post will be too. But my fault that will be. Maybe Force-wedgie the Blogger employees again anyway, I will. Hmm, yes.

Provided some highlights from past posts below I have. If new to this blog and lazy you are, read my past posts you have not. Perhaps do this I should not, because enabling your laziness that would be, but here some more of the highlights are:

(To each individual post, the descriptions link.)

Want to do this to my Dolly collectibles, who would?!

Still know how this happened I do not.

Sure I am not, but I think different Jar Jar looks here. Put my finger on the reason I can not.

Sometimes, immature Kenobi can be.

Complications it causes when stuck like this my neck is.

Mean for anyone to see me in my pajamas, I did not.

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Biking For Bothans

2006-03-16T12:44:00.000-05:00

Today, the Annual Biking for Bothans charity event was. These stupid charity events I really hate. Always something rediculous they want me to do. Just send them a check, why can't I?

Looking forward to this I was, because riding bicycles I enjoy. Of course, a long time since ridden a bike I have, it has been. Ride a bike through this neighborhood without being chased by a bunch of Wookies, you can not.

But a problem there was when to the event I got. Up on the first bicycle they gave me I climbed. Reach the pedals I could not. Over I fell. For a smaller one I asked. Too tall it was. Several of them I went through.

"Have nothing smaller do you?" I asked them.

"That's the smallest one we have and we moved the seat all the way down... Wait, there is one bike we haven't tried."

"Whatever it is, take it I will." Too soon, I spoke. See this from the picture below you can...

[Scroll down you must]

Take how much more humiliation can I?!!

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Temple and Gardens

2006-03-15T12:41:00.000-05:00

This morning, over the people from that magazine Temple and Gardens, came today. To take some pictures of the living room here in the temple and my prize-winning azaleas in the back yard, they wanted. Well-known for my azaleas, I am.

Very excited I was. Been looking forward to this for a week, now I have. Worked very hard at keeping the Jedi Temple nice, I have. So very important to me this was. All nightcleaning up the Temple and weeding my garden I watched the Younglings. In my very best robe I dressed. My hair I slicked back (Yes, some hair I have left! Smart-alecs!). Tea and cookies I made for the magazine people. The whole morning, sitting and watching the front door, waiting for the doorbell to ring, I was.

Finally, arrived they had. After some tea and cookies, into the living room I led them.

"I think like what I have done with this room, you will... Kenobi!"

Strung up a wrestling ring in the living room he had. Dressed up in wrestling costumes, he and Harvey were. Using my drapes and curtains as capes they were! Turned over or broken, all of the furniture was.

"Kenobi, doing what, are you?!! Here, the people from Temples and Gardens are!"

"Oh, was that today? I wouldn'ta done this if I knowed they was comin today."

"Kenobi, no good day to do this, there is! And these ketchup stains, on the carpet why are they?"

"It was his idea!" Kenobi said. Pointing at Harvey who was hiding behind the turned-over sofa, he was. "He insisted we needed fake blood! I told him we didn't need no such thing..."

"Your fault this is, Kenobi! The adult you are supposed to be! Deal with you later I will."

Angry I was, but figured I had that still show the magazine people my azaleas, I could. So to the back yard we went. Unfortunately, rolling around in my azalea bed and munching on the floors, Bob the Bantha was.

"Bob!" I yelled, "No, Bob! Bad bantha! Bad!" But too late it was. To get him out I tried, but tangled up in a water hose he had gotten.

"Well," one of the magazine people said, "your bantha seems to have gotten himself in quite the -"

Like in slow-motion it was. To stop the man from finishing his sentence I tried, but be fast enough I could not. "No-o-o-o-o-o!" I yelled, just as out of his mouth, the word came...

"p-i-c-k-l-e!"

"MUAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbtttttt!!!!!

No noxious, the fart from Bob was. Knocked to the ground we were. Coughing and trying to rub the sting out of their eyes, everyone was.

"Why did he do that?"

"Because the word you said."

"What word?"

"Pickle!... Oh no."

"MUAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!" phlllllllbbbbbbtttttt!!!!!

Another humiliation that ever live down I will not, this is.

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Guest Poster: Anakin Skywalker [This Ain't Funny, Yo!]

2006-03-14T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm about to bust a cap up in here, yo. I ain't jokin' neither. I am mad, yo.

Check it - this mornin' I goes into the bathroom, right? I gots to take care of my hair and junk 'cause the Chosen One's gots to represent, know what I'm sayin'? So I take out my chest of hair accoutrementizzies - my stylin' gel, my sculpting gel, my conditionin' gel, my setting gel, my 12 different kinds of shampoo, 14 different kinds of conditioner, my stylin foam, my stylin' spray, my firm hold spray, my oil sheen spray, my curl activator, my hair mask treatment, my moisture retainer, my aroma oil, my big brush, my little brush, my medium-size brush, my back-up medium-size brush, my plastic comb set, my steel comb set, my 12-volt hair dryer, my travel hair dryer, and... it ain't there, yo! Why you askin' what ain't there? It obvious from what I just said, yo. What's missin' from all that spit I just listed, yo? My curlin' iron, yo!

This gots me all panicin' and spit, and the Chosen One don't panic or nuthin'. Yo, I brought the smack-down on all kindsa bad Sith lords and junk. I can hang, yo. But don't nobody mess with the Chosen One's hair. Nobody.

So I'm runnin' around, no, I'm walkin around ('cause running around in a panic ain't cool, yo), askin' everybody if they seen my curlin' iron and spit. And I'm gettin mad, yo, 'cause ain't nobody sayin nothin and I knows sumbody gots to know sumthin'.

I even asked the little green riddle monkey. He was all, "Seen I have not. Bother me do not. Sleep-, uh, meditating I am."

And I believes him, yo, 'cause if he had my curlin' iron he'd be all smackin' me with it and junk. But bein' the little green riddle monkey, he cain't just say, 'I ain't seen it'. Nah, he gots to be all up in my grill, "Too much time on your hair you spend. Some time away from the mirror you should take."

But I ain't tryin to hear that, yo. Yeah, I could be like the little green riddle monkey and completely give up on tryin' to look good, yo, but I ain't. So I keep lookin'.

Finally, I comes to the Temple parkin' garage, there's that little Harvey the Younglin' dude usin' my curlin' iron on Bob the Bantha! I about took a lightsaber to him right there, yo! I mean, I wouldn't do nothin' like that, but I was feelin' it, know what I'm sayin'? What makes it so bad is that my curlin iron is the kind with the little spikes comin' out and junk that brushes the hair and spit. So now, I got smelly Bantha hair all up in my curlin iron, yo! Man, I gots to go slaughter some sand people or sumthin'. Yeah, that'll make me feel better.

Yo, the little green riddle monkey'll be back to talk to you guys tomorrow.

.

Again, the Kenobinator Strikes

2006-03-13T12:00:00.000-05:00

On a mission to prove to the rest of us that TV wrestling is real, Kenobi is. Decided to do this by sneaking up on us and trying to body-slam us or put us in head-locks, he has. When he is going to strike, we never know.

Walking down the hallway I could be and leap on me out of nowhere, wearing his wrestling tights and mask, he will. The other night, into my room I came, into my pj's I changed, and into bed I climbed. Suddenly, from on top of the door where hiding he had been, on to my bed he jumps, yelling "AHA!!". Of course, the bed this broke. So bad the Force-wedgie I gave him was, that see the medical droid he had to so that get his wrestling tights removed from you-know-where, he could.

Yet, learn he did not. The next day, from on top of the bookcase in the living room, he jumped at me. But prepared I was. With the Force I sensed him, even though hiding he was. So before land on me he could, across the room I threw him with the Force. When he came at me with the chair, that was. So, using the Force again, beat himself up with the chair I made him. Now since a few days to think about it in the Temple Infirmary he will have, maybe learn his lesson he will. But probably not.

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The Dangers of Petting a Wookiee

2006-03-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

Another visit Chewbacca paid us today. Whenever around he comes, play with him the Younglings like to. The attention he enjoys. Down he bends so that scratch him behind the ears and on top of the head they can. Getting scratched on the head he likes.

But today, down on his back with his arms and legs sticking up he got. That he wants his tummy rubbed this meant. I knew that bad this would turn out.

"No!" to the Younglings I shouted, "Rub his tummy inside the Temple do not!"

But too late it was. Rubbing his tummy, Harvey was. And enjoying it, Chewie was. Soon, kicking, one of Chewie's legs started. Before an end to this I could put, knocked over two lamps and the sofa, and put a hole in the wall with his leg, he had. This is why if rub a Wookiee's tummy you must, outside you must do it.

Getting This Information to Us, Many Bothans Died...

2006-03-11T17:32:00.000-05:00

This morning, a knock on the front door of the Jedi Temple, I heard. Standing there, a Bothan was. A package he was holding.

"I have a delivery for a Mr. Y Oda."

"Me that is."

"Many Bothans died getting this package to you. Sign here please."

My new Time Life series about Dolly Parton on DVD, it was. Good about it's guaranteed overnight delivery, United Bothan Service is. But I wish that have to always recite their slogan, 'many Bothans died getting this to you', every time they deliver a package, they did not. Kind of a downer it is. Even on the side of their delivery trucks, it is. Of course, better than their old slogan it is, "We die more before 9:00 am than you die all day."

And because so dangerous their job is, the reason so many of them die is not. Because very bad drivers they are, it is. Always on their cell phones they are. Reckless, even the ones who are not drivers are. Always riding in the middle of the street their bicycle messengers are. And out in front of traffic, their couriers are always stepping. Pay attention they do not. Think you would that specialize in something other than delivery, Bothans would.

.

Previously On Master Yoda's Blog

2006-03-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

If just joining us, you are...

I thought a good idea this would be -

Turn out so well, dinner with Senator Organa did not-

Feeling a little targeted, Senator Amidala's handmaiden was-

Windu's new part-time job-

Yes, I know that late this post is. Sue me, you can!

.

Yacking With Yoda

2006-03-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Hosting my radio call-in show I was yesterday.

"And... back we are. Listening to Yacking With Yoda you are. Your host, Yoda I am. Our next caller, Brian from Alderaan is. Hello, Brian. On the air you are... Brian? There are you?"

"Push the button!" my producer yelled.

"Which button you speak of? Many there are."

"The big flashing one! The same stupid button I've had to remind you for months to push every time you get a call! For crying out loud! I'm going to go nuts!"

"All you had to say that was." Very uptight he is. "Hello, Brian. On the air you are."

"Hello? Am I on now?"

"Yes, on you are. You're problem what is?"

"Well, my mother and my wife aren't getting along and it's causing me a lot of stress. I don't know what to do about it anymore."

"Start, when did the trouble?"

"It probably started on our honeymoon. You see, Mom wanted to go to the mountains but my wife wanted to go to the beach, and..."

"Wait. With you on your honeymoon, your mother went?"

"Well, yeah. Mom wanted to go and it had been a long time since she had taken a trip, so I thought why not? So anyway, my wife gets all bent out of shape just because my mother insists on coming into our room and picking out my clothes every morning before I go to work. And to be honest, I don't really like it either. But you know, it's my Mom, and I hate to say no..."

"Brian, you're problem I see."

"You do?"

"Yes, surgery you need."

"Surgery?"

"Yes, a spine transplant you need. Next caller. Anne from Endor, on the air you are."

"Hello lo lo lo lo? Am am am am I I I I I on on on on on?"

"Yes, on you are. Your radio turn down."

"Oh, sorry."

"There, better that is. With what, help you I can?"

"Huh?"

"You with what, can I help?"

"What?"

"What with, help you can I?"

"I don't understand..."

"Your problem what is?!!"

"Oh, my problem. Well, I've been dating this guy over the Internet for several months now, and he asked me to marry him. He lives on the other side of the galaxy, but that's alright. I don't mind moving. In fact, I've already packed my bags, sold my house, and quit my job so I can move."

"The problem what is?"

"My family thinks it's a bad idea just because I've never met the guy in person. But that doesn't matter, does it? I mean, it feels like I've known him for years. And besides, he's sent me pictures and everything. It's strange, but he looks exactly like Brad Pitt, I mean exactly the same. Anyway, I know this is the man for me. But I wanted to get your opinion."

"I think a good idea it is."

"You do? That's great..."

"Yes. In fact, while at it you are, swim naked in a shark tank why don't you?"

"What? But I..."

"Just as smart that would be. Or maybe wrap yourself in tin foil and run around outside during a lightning storm, you could. Yes, smart that would be also. Yes, very wise decisions you make for yourself, I can see."

Good at this, I am getting. I think because so obvious it is how much I care, it is.

*****************************

Tabulate your votes for the "Best of Master Yoda's Blog" poll, my Stupid Intern will tonight. Then update the sidebar he will. Like to thank everyone who voted I would.

Next week, another poll for posts 201-300, there will be. I promise, the last one for a while that will be!

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Crayons

2006-03-08T08:07:00.000-05:00

A credit I wish I had for every time this I hear:

"Master Yoda! Harvey's got Crayons stuck up his nose again!"

Know how to break that youngling of this habit, I do not. Even know why he keeps doing it, I do not. Once I asked him. Make sense the answer did not.

"Harvey, stick Crayons up your nose, why do you?"

"I was trying to color my brain."

"Get an idea like that, where did you?"

"Master Obi-wan."

Known I should have. Still, think you would that learn after the seventh or eighth time, Harvey would. Evidently, too much time this Padawan youngling spends with Kenobi. Know that contagious, a lack of common sense is, I did not.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not. Going to keep the poll up for next 24 hours, I am. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph! .

Youngling-Proof Lids

2006-03-07T08:06:00.000-05:00

In a new kind of bottle, my blood pressure medicine is coming now. Youngling-proof, the lid is. A good thing that is, because in the Temple, a lot of ~~nosy~~ curious younglings live. Want them to get into my medication I do not. Bad for them that would be.

Unfortunately, old-person-proof, this bottle seems to be also. A very hard time getting it open I have had. The instruction carefully I followed:

Push lid down.
Turn counter-clockwise.
Line up all three arrows.
Shake bottle vigorously.
Bang lid against kitchen counter.
Count to three.
Jump on bottle while reciting the alphabet backwards.
Hold bottle with both hands and bite down firmly on lid.
Yank.

But open it I could not. Making my blood pressure go up, trying to open my blood pressure medication was!

So the Force I tried to use on the bottle. Impervious to the Force, it is! A sledge-hammer I took to it. Nothing! Even able to cut it, my lightsaber was not! Getting the bottle open all of the Jedi Master's tried - twice. A whole hour of today's Jedi Council meeting we wasted.

Pretty disgusted I was. So in the kitchen, eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky I ended up. Yes, good for my high blood pressure that can not be. But if get to my medication I can not, make what difference does it, anyway?

Eventually, along Harvey the Youngling came. "Why ya so sad, Master Yoda?"

I guess a scowl on my face I had. Usually, as well you know, very cheerful and full of sunshine I am. "Oh, open my blood pressure medication I can not. Very difficult it is. No, impossible it is!"

"Ya mean this bottle, Master Yoda?"

"Yes, play with that do not..."

POP

"There ya go, Master Yoda! I opened it. It wasn't hard. I'm gonna go play now. Bye!"

Up I give.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not. Open until this Thursday, the poll will be. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph! .

Bantha Clicker

2006-03-06T08:09:00.000-05:00

To watch Matlock I sat down to watch today. My favorite show that is. Every day I watch it. Old it never gets.

But today, to panic I started! Find the remote control I could not! All over the living room I looked. All the sofa cushions I pulled out. Under the sofa I looked. Inside the recliner I looked. The magazine holder I emptied. The carpet I made the Younglings pull up. Under Harvey's bed we looked (end up there, all kinds of stuff does). Still, find it I could not.

Then something I remembered. One of those beepers activated by clapping I had installed on the remote control (trouble finding it before I have had). So loudly I clapped. But nothing I heard. So all over the Temple I started clapping. Nothing. Until close to the parking garage I got. A beep from the parking garage I heard!

Into the parking garage I went and again I clapped. The beep I definately heard. But muffled it was. Around I looked so that see where the sound was coming from I could. From Bob the Bantha it was coming!

So now, complicated, watching TV is. If to change the channel I want, lay down in front of the TV I make Bob. Then, jump on him every time I need to change the channel I have to. To change the volume, rotate his right hind leg to the left I have to. And to turn the TV on or off, to blow in his ear I must. Of course, wait for the remote to "pass" I could. But a feeling I have that want it then, I will not!

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until this Thursday, the poll will be. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

.

Guest Poster: Mace Windu [Topic: Humiliated, Invalidated, Deflated, and Emaciated]

2006-03-05T08:35:00.000-05:00

Wait! If you haven't read yesterday's post about the Annual Jedi Academy Awards, read that first, fool!

I have been robbed. I have been robbed, humiliated, invalidated, deflated, and emaciated. You know what I mean. No doubt you watched the farce, the joke, the charade known as the Annual Jedi Academy Awards - a despicable event which I shall forever boycott and rail against with every last drop of strength I can muster.

The one category which belonged to me, the one event which should have been mine, for it is my birthright, went to a pretender. Yes, I am talking about the "Shiniest, Prettiest, Bald Head Category". I was robbed! I am the one truly deserving of that award, not this man!:

Ki Adi Mundi no more deserves this award than Atilla the Hun would deserve the Nobel Peace Prize! He may be bald, but he is neither pretty nor shiny. In fact, he looks more like these people:

They are from the Planet France, I understand. And if I'm not mistaken, he may be related:

But forget that! Compare his dull, lifeless noggin to my beautiful shiny cranium:

There is no comparison, man! Look at the glare coming off of my head! Just don't look directly at it, unless you want to damage your retina.

This is serious to me, man. I'll tell you why. You see, during that period of my life when I had left the Jedi Order, I fell in love, man. It was deep, hard love, the kind of love that just eats up your insides until the only thing left is the love. Do you understand? Probably not.

This woman I was in love with, she was a thing of beauty. Just look at her:

I won't tell you her full name, so let's just call her "Miss P". Isn't she beautiful?! What man wouldn't be in love with her? My soul ached for her, man. But it was not to be. She said she could never be with a man who neglected his skin care the way I was doing. You see, this was before I had discovered the value of proper skin care. I was so busy being a macho, rugged, bad mammer jammer, that I didn't even bother to think about my skin care. So she rejected me, man.

When that happened, I can truthfully say, my spirit was broken. It broke me, man. It's like someone took my soul and ripped it in two. Sniff. Excuse me, I need a second.

OK, I'm alright now. From that point on, I was determined to be the kind of man that would be deserving of my one true love. That's why this award was so important to me, man. Don't you see? I thought if maybe, I had this award, I could go find her and show her that I am at last truly worthy of her affections. But that heinous body of criminals know as the Awards Committee has kept me down, man. I shall not forgive them.

I don't know how it could possibly matter, but Yoda will back to talk to you people tomorrow.

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Oh, Yoda wanted me to remind you to voteon his "Best of Master Yoda" poll if you haven't already. Just look for the ones that begin with "Guest Poster: Mace Windu". Everything else is a waste of time.

The Forcies

2006-03-04T10:15:00.000-05:00

Time for the Annual Jedi Awards, it was. The "Forcies" we call them. Like this stupid event, I do not. A waste of time it is.

Walking the red carpet, the worst part is. Because you have to talk to these two, that is:

Darth Facelift and her apprentice, Darth Whiny, their names are. The Dark Side, these two are.

Enter into the hall through a side door I wanted. Find the side door I could not. So once on the red carpet, to avoid those two I tried. That I was going to make it, I thought. Interviewing Senator Amidala they were. Going on and on about her dress, she was. To sneak by I tried.

"OH! OH! OH my GAWD! Master Yoda, there you are!"

Wookiee snot.

"Master Yoda, come here a second! My Gawd, what are you wearing!" Darth Facelift the Ancient One asked me.

"My Jedi robe it is. What I wear all the time it is."

"'Wear all the time' is right!" she said, "It looks like you sleep in the thing too!"

"Yeah, Mom," Darth Whiny jumped in, "it looks like he came here in his pajamas!"

Massive Force-wedgies I gave both of them. Especially affected, Darth Facelift seemed to be.

"OH! OH! My face! The wedgie pain made the Collagen come loose! Oh my Gawd! OH!"

"Don't worry, Mom! I'll get your onsite makeup/cosmetic surgery crew here right away!"

Finally, into the hall we all were. Begun, the awards show had.

The winner of the first category, they announced:

"And the Forcie for the 'Most Fluent Jedi in Ghetto Speak' goes to... just let me get this envelope open..."

"I'm so excited! Hurry!"

"...Anakin Skywalker!"

Up to give his acceptance speech, Young Skywalker got. "Yo, I wanna thank y'all for keepin it real, know what I mean? I wanna thank my mom. I wanna thank my gir-, uh, Senator Amidala for havin my back, yo. Peace!"

Next, the category for "Most Cheetos Consumed By a Single Jedi" was. Of course, that one Kenobi won.

"I want to thank all them Cheetos elves who spend all that time in that there tree makin the Cheetos..." On and on about the 'Cheetos elves' he went. A long talk with him I will have to have later.

Finally, to the "Best Display of the Force by a Jedi Under 3 Feet Tall and Over 800 Years Old" category we got. Surprised I was that once again, won it I had.

"Like to thank all of the little people, I would - Yaddle, Gary Coleman, Danny DeVito, other little people..." Long my acceptance speech was not. Tired I was getting.

Trouble there was when to the last category we got - the "Prettiest, Shiniest, Bald Head" category.

The envelope they opened. "And the winner is..."

Up, Windu stood.

"Ki-Adi-Mundi!"

"WHAT?!" Windu screeched. Up on stage he rushed. "This is an outrage! This is a huge injustice! This is completely, undeniably, unfair! That is my award! I've earned it!"

Off stage he had to be dragged. Sobbing all the way, he was. Great, have to hear about this for the next two months, I will.

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Forget to vote on the "Best of Master Yoda" poll, do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

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This Week on Big Brother Naboo: Very Sophisticated My Art Is

2006-03-03T00:04:00.000-05:00

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to make a sculpture we were. An easy challenge for me this was, because sculpting, one of my hobbies is. Breeding Chia Pets and scrapbooking, some of my other hobbies are, but need to know that you did not.

Anyway, worried I was that appreciated by ~~those doofuses~~ other contestants, my art would not be. Very high-brow and sophisticated my art is. Very deep it is, too. Able to grasp it, they probably would not be.

See below you can just how sophisticated my art is.

[scroll down you must]

"The Stinker" I call it. Be intimidated by it's sophistication, do not.

Check out all of the contestant's posts, here you can.

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Forget to vote for your favorite post do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

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Another Traumatic Michael Jackson Memory

2006-03-02T00:26:00.000-05:00

Told you a while ago I have about the time that join his zoo, Michael Jackson tried to force me. To stay on his Disney ranch and change my name to Bubbles, he wanted me. Know little, did I that a powerful Sith lord known as Darth Jacko he is! Fight him I could not because into drinking his secret Jesus Juice, he tricked me. My Force powers it inhibited. Bad memories those are. Yes, very painful.

Well, lately, surfaced another repressed memory has. Very traumatic this was. A picture I have. Know if show it to you I should I do not.

OK, show it to you I will.

So frightened I was! Four stories up we were! See him laughing maniacally, do you?! Look any longer, I can not. Very traumatic, this was. Very traumatic.

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Forget to vote for your favorite post do not! Choosing from posts 101 to 200, you will be. A little summary next to many of the post titles, my Stupid Intern wrote on the poll, so have to go back and read all of those post you will not.

Open until next Thursday, the poll will be so about a week you have. But procrastinate do not! Want a Force-wedgie do you? Hmph!

Your Help I Need

2006-03-01T06:30:00.000-05:00

Trouble getting a full night's sleep I have had. Mainly because of the many trips I have to take to the bathroom that is. Almost 900 years old my bladder is. When almost 900 years old you reach, hold it in as well, you will not, hmm?

Considered just bringing my pillow to the bathroom and sleeping on the toilet, I have. Easier that would be. More sleep I would get.

On the other hand, right next to mine, Kenobi's room is. Make him move out like I did Young Skywalker, and turn his room into my own bathroom I could. Then tear out the wall in between our rooms I could so that have so far to walk I would not. But kind of crowded, Bob the Bantha's stall is getting so know where Kenobi would sleep I do not. Maybe in the Janitor's closet he could sleep. Hmm, think about this I will.

Anyway, in the middle of the night last night during one of my many trips to the bathroom, a disturbing noise I heard coming from the office. Someone snoring it was.

"Stupid Intern!" I said, as a good kick I gave him, "supposed to be putting together the 'Master Yoda's Greatest Hits' poll, you are! Supposed to be sleeping you are not!"

A total mess he was. On his face, imprints from the keyboard were, from where lying on it he was. To stand there and watch him finish I had to. Sleeping at that time I could have been. So hard to find, good help that works for free is.

So, a poll for you to answer I have. Your help deciding what should go in "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits" on the right side of this blog, I need. The 101st through the 200th post, this poll lists. Next week, another poll I will have my Stupid Intern make. The 201st through the 300th post it will list. Broken down this way, the "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits" list will be. Your help with this I would really appreciate.

Vote here you can.

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Needles

2006-02-28T05:49:00.000-05:00

Time for the Younglings to get their vaccination it was today. Having a particularly hard time, Harvey was. Afraid of needles he is.

"Hold still, Harvey," the medical droid said, "If you stop squirming we'll be done before you know it."

"But I don't wanna! I hate needles!"

"There now, Harvey," I said, "be brave you must. Imagine Kenobi acting this way, can you?"

"Actually," the droid said, "he was due for a vaccination today too. Unfortunately, he crawled under the examination table and wouldn't come out. It took five of us to drag him out. Still, it certainly wasn't pleasant after that."

"Helping you are not," I told him.

"Sorry."

"Harvey, a big boy you can be, can't you?"

"I don't wanna get a shot! No!"

"Be a baby do not. Over in a little bit it will be."

"No! It'll hurt!"

"Only a little it will hurt."

"I don't wanna! I don't wanna!"

"Harvey! Act like this a Jedi must not! Besides, if good you are, a lollipop you will get."

To stop squirming, that last part seemed to get him. Still, quiet he could not be. Still crying he was.

"Waaaaaaaah!!!!"

"There," the medical droid said, "all done."

"Waaa-, oh. That's it?" Harvey asked.

"That's it."

"Well," he said, "that wasn't so bad. Can I have my lollipop now?"

"Well," I sighed, "glad I am that over with that is."

"Actually, Master Yoda," the droid said, "my records indicate that you are due for a booster shot yourself."

"What?! No, impossible that is!"

"I'm afraid so."

"Some mistake there must be. Been a whole year since my last shot it has not."

"Oh, yes. One year and seven days, to be exact."

"Well, have to do this later we will. Very busy I am today."

"Just hop up on the table here. It won't take any time at all."

"Waaaaaaah!!!!"

Ok, proud of that I am not. But needles I hate. At least, something for my trouble I got.

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Please, Buy Me Clothes Do Not

2006-02-27T23:23:00.000-05:00

Coming over for a State function, Senator Amidala was. Going to wear my best robe I was. But good enough for Windu, that was not.

"You are not wearing that, are you? Why don't you wear that suit the senator bought you."

"Like the suit I do not. The suit she bought me, but my size she knew not. Want to wear it I do not."

"Do you mean to tell me that after all the effort and thought the Senator put into buying a suit for you, you're not going to wear it? Why don't you just slap her in the face, while you're at it? Don't you have feelings? Don't you care about other people? Ooh! Sometimes you can be so thoughtless!"

Almost bad that made me feel. But then, that this is the man who likes to perform wind-tunnel tests on his head, I remembered. So sway me he did not.

But then, on the phone Senator Amidala called me. "So, Master Yoda, how do ya like that suit I got ya? Isn't it like the cutest?"

"Uh, yes, very cute it is. Very much I like it."

"So, do you, like, wear it around a lot?"

"Oh yes, all the time I wear it."

"Cool! I am so pumped about seeing you wear it tonight! Oh, could you wear it, Master Yoda? Please? Please, please, please?"

Sigh. "Ok, wear it I will."

"Cool! This is going to be so awesome! I'm going to, like, totally bring my camera and take a bunch of pictures so I can show everybody!"

"No, Senator, wait! I..."

"Gotta go! See ya tonight, 'K? Bye!"

Good grief. No way to get out of it now, there was.

Want to see me in this suit do you? Below, a picture of it is.

[Scroll down you must]

So embarrassing this is. Please, if my size you know not, clothes do not buy me!

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Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: The Splendor That Is My Head]

2006-02-26T23:03:00.000-05:00

Last week, I shared with you people a little about the wonder, splendor, and beauty that is my body. I allowed you a glimpse of that which I can only describe as my "buns of steel". I described to you in detail the incredible attributes of my powerful posterior.

You're welcome.

Now, I'm going to tell you about another part of my magnificient mortal coil - my beautiful bald head. Yes, I've talked about it before. I explained in detail my strict moisturizing regimen. I've spoken at length about all of the shaving, waxing, polishing, and buffing that is necessary to maintain this level of shininess. When I see my reflection and gaze upon the beauty of my shiny cranium, I know that all of those hours I've spent with my head in that belt-driven bowling ball buffer were worth it.

But today, I want to talk to you about another important aspect of my beautiful shiny head. And let me tell you, there are many important aspects. But I want to focus on a single adjective that can be used to describe my wonderful noggin - aerodynamic. That's right. The smooth surface of my pretty head is perfectly aerodynamic!

We've done the appropriate wind-tunnel tests to confirm this. And for comparison, we conducted the same tests on Anakin. Of course, to acquire all of the required data, it was necessary to keep him in that wind-tunnel until he passed out. Alright, maybe it wasn't necessary. But it made me smile. And believe me, a smile on this beautiful face has become a pretty rare sight since I started living with Yoda.

In any event, the results were clear - this is one aerodynamic cranium sitting on these manly shoulders! Yes sir! My head can cut through wind like hot knife cutting through butter! As you can imagine, the day we got those test results back were one of the proudest days of my life.

Of course, we've yet to come up with any practical use for this information - yet. But you just wait until a hurricane or tornado comes through and little Timmy is stuck inside a building that's about to fall down, but no one can get to him because the wind is just too strong. Who are you going to call? Some punk that calls himself the "Chosen One"? Please, the wind would get stuck in all of that sculpting gel he puts in that hair. No, there's only one man for this job, Mace "Wind Head" Windu. Why? Because I...am...the Man! Yes sir!

Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. That is, if he can make it here on time, with all of the wind resistance just slamming up against that knobbly old head of his.

Developing, a Crisis Is

2006-02-25T01:13:00.000-05:00

A crisis I am facing. Run out of space on the walls in my room for Dolly Parton posters I have. Already covered the ceiling I have. Also covered, the windows and mirror are. All the space in my office I have used.

Next to my room, Young Skywalker's room is. So decided I have that have to move he will. Knock down the wall between our rooms and start utilizing the extra wall space for Dolly posters I can. True it is that available no other rooms in the Temple are. But some room in Bob the Bantha's stall there is, so move in with Bob temporarily Young Skywalker can. As long as roll over in his sleep Bob does not, OK Young Skywalker will be.

Object to this, the rest of the Council will not. Stand him they can not. "Incorrigible" the Council has proclaimed him. Due to the fact that after many months of censure by the Council, stop leaving his Spider-man underoos on the bathroom floor he will not, this is.

Actually, sorry for Bob the Batha I am. Have to share his stall with Young Skywalker he will. That rub off on Bob, some of Young Skywalker's bad habits do not, I hope. A bad influence he can be.

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New Template, Big Brother Naboo, and Other Stuff

2006-02-24T03:07:00.000-05:00

As see you can, a new template I have. Probably tweak it a little I will make my Stupid Intern. Made him work on it some more tonight I would have, but about how tired he was, he was whining.

"Only 3 am it is! Let you sleep in tomorrow until 6 am I will!" I told him. But stop him from whining that did not. So lazy he is.

Comment on whether you love or hate the template, you can. If the design you like, go to this nice person's website you can. Blogger templates for free he has.

These nice pics for my 300th post Novy made for me.

Also, on Big Brother Naboo this week, attacking the house, Pirates were. (Yes, sense that does not make. But better not to think too hard about these things that is.)

Anyway, as see here you can, a little weird things got:

Read all about that in my post you can.

Also, check out JawaJuice's post, you must. So good it is, too shame it puts me.

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300th Post: So What?

2006-02-23T02:31:00.000-05:00

So excited I was. Wait any longer I could not. Into Kenobi's room this morning I ran and up I woke him.

"Kenobi," I asked him, "Know what day this is, do you?"

"Snrrrrk. Huh? What? Don't you know what time it is? Look, Mickey's little hand is on the five. I'm not sure, but I think that means it's perty early."

"But know what day this is, do you?!"

"Tuesday?"

"Very good, Kenobi. Only two days off this time, you were. But no, what day of the week it is, asking I am not. Come on! What day is this?"

"Look, I don't even do good on pop quizzes when I'm awake. I cain't do this right now."

Disappointed I was. So into Windu's room I went. Already awake he was. Sitting in front of his huge mirror with his back to the window, he was.

"Windu! Know what today..."

"Shh! Don't disturb me. Can't you see I'm waiting for the Sun to rise over my head! I can't miss this. It's very solemn!"

"But know what today is, do you?"

"Judging from how excited you are, I'd have to say it's the day of the week that Twinkies get delivered to the Temple."

"No! Tomorrow that is! What day is this? Guess you must!"

"You know how afraid of guessing games I am!"

"Know you do not?! My 300th post it will be today!"

"Hm."

"All you have to say that is? Excited are you not? Surely, presents you got me. Maybe a party you are going to throw me."

"We threw you a party and gave you presents on your 100th post, and then again on your 2ooth. When is it going to stop? You post every day, man! How long are we supposed to celebrate the fact that you don't have a life? You already make us celebrate both your Jedi anniversary and the anniversary of the day you became a Jedi Master, as well as whenever you get a response to one of your thousands of fan letters to Dolly Parton, whenever one of your varicose veins goes away, and about hundred other things. Frankly, I for one am getting tired of it! Contrary to what you may think, everything is not all about You, all the time! It's about time you... Dang! You made me miss the sun rising over my head! Get out of my room! Get out!"

Pretty dejected I felt. Around the Temple I wondered. Eventually in the parking garage I found myself. Down in Bob the Bantha's stall I sat. Next to me, Bob came and sat. Then over he leaned, and my face he started licking. Up to me he nuzzled. Then that content, purring sound he started to make.

"At least, me you love, Bob," I said. Much better I was feeling. Have a bantha everyone should have. "Of course, Bob, feel loved Windu will not when later today leave a 'present' in his shoes you will."

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Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: My Super Power]

2006-02-22T05:34:00.000-05:00

You people are going to think I'm crazy when I tell you this, but that's alright. I can handle it. You can't be the man Mace Windu is without being able to accept the disbelief of the uninformed and uneducated. So I will tell you this in spite of your disbelief, your lack of faith, your smirking cynicism, and your urge to mock me, which I'm sure you will have after I tell you this. That's how you people are. You may not be ready for this, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I have a super power.

You read that right. Your eyes are not deceiving you. I have a super power. No, I can't fly. I can't climb walls or see through them. I don't have heat vision or metal claws that come out of my hand. I can't freeze things with my mind. I can't shrink to the size of a peanut (What the heck kind of super power is that, anyway? I mean, how does that help you fight evil super villians?). No, my super power is much more important than any of those.

You see, I have buns of steel. That's right, buns of steel. Try not to be intimidated.

I am telling you, I have the firmest, most steel-like buns a human being could have. Yes, sir! These bad boys are indestructible! There is no beating them! Sharp knives? Won't even make a scratch. Blaster fire? Bounces right off.

This power, coupled with the blinding shininess of my beautiful head, makes me unstoppable! That's right! There is no stopping Mace Windu, no sir!

But, with great power comes great responsiblity. The lessons of Spider-man are not lost on me. That's why I am determined to use the power of my buns of steel only for good, not evil. So you can just rest tight about that.

Not that it matters, but Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. I am sure he'll have something far less important to talk about.

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Kenobi and Me at the Chinese Buffet

2006-02-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

Down the street from the Jedi Temple, a new Chinese restaurant opened last Wednesday. One of those all-you-can eat buffet restaurants, it is. So of course, try it out, Kenobi just had to. It just so happened that a coupon I had. Besides, Chinese buffets I love. Find chicken and pork cooked 60 different ways, where else can you? So with him I went.

A mistake that was. Ever go to a buffet with Kenobi you should not. The table manners of a baboon he has. Bad enough it was that to pull his chair right up to the buffet bar he tried. But such a sloppy eater he is that wearing more food than he ate, he ended up.

So embarrassing, it was! And have my disguise I did not. Here, trying to have a civilized conversation with the lady at the table next to me I was, about how dropped dramatically since last Wednesday, the stray cat population in the neighborhood seems to have. But there, trying to burp his way through the alphabet, Kenobi was. Most of the time, buried in his plate, his face was. At one point, if like to try using chopsticks he would, someone asked him. Kidding me are you? Even use a fork and knife he does not.

And ashamed to say it I am, but into the gluttony he dragged me. Taunting me he kept, "C'mon, Girlie-man! You can eat more than that, cain't ya?"

A "Girlie-man" he called me! At stake, my honor was! But worse it got.

"C'mon, get ya another plate. I dare ya. I triple-dog dare ya."

Triple-dog he dared me! Now, try to out-eat him I had to! Have what choice did I?! Besides, weak when it comes to Chinese food, I am. The Bow Wow Gai Pan and the Meow Mein Noodles I especially like, even if know what they are made of I do not.

But foolish to try to out-eat Kenobi it is. Try it do not. Only get hurt you will. After an hour, about ready to burst I was. Feel well, I did not. But just hitting his stride, Kenobi was. A bottomless pit he must be. Cleaning out the buffet faster than they could cook food to fill it, he was.

Soon, out the manager came and yelling at Kenobi he started. "You go now! You no eat here no more!"

Budging, Kenobi was not, "What's the deal?! I got a right to eat here just like anybody else!"

"You eat too much!"

"The sign says, 'All you can eat', don't it? I done paid and everything!"

"You pay just $5.99 for lunch buffet. But you eat $200 of food! Then, 30 customers you scare away because you eat like drunk Wookiee! That another $180 I lose! So you go now!"

"Now hold on..."

"You go now, or I call cops! Besides, you getting fat. You should not eat so much!"

"But I ain't got my fortune cookie!"

"You want fortune? I give you fortune! 'You will be a fat redneck who die from high choresteror'!"

"From what?"

"Choresteror! Choresteror! What, you no speak English? You go now! You no come back no more!"

So back home we went. So humiliated I was. Going to learn, when am I?! You know, so full an hour ago I was. Now hungry I am. Weird that is.

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Counseling for Young Skywalker

2006-02-20T22:56:00.000-05:00

Want to do this I did not. But no choice I had. Last week, an intervention we tried with Young Skywalker. Trying to get him to give up his teddy bear, we were. But work it did not. So today, to see Steve Spider, Licensed Therapist, I took him.

Happy to see Young Skywalker, Steve was not. "Ah, great. Just great. The kid again. Look, Yoda, Buddy, I told you before I can't help nobody who don't want to be helped. Know what I'm sayin, here?"

"I know, but desperate I am. Your help he needs."

"Look, I'm not sayin he's a bad kid or nothin. But the last time he was here he tore up my office. I had to get a new couch and everything. It set me back some serious moolah. You can't find furniture with that leopard print just anywhere, know what I'm sayin? I mean you try to find orange shag carpet in Coruscant. And on top of all that, he wanted to chop my arms off. I mean what's with that kid? You want I should lose my business and my arms? Huh?"

"I know, but serious this is..."

"'Serious' he says. I tell you what's serious, my friend. Serious is having to replace a mahogany desk with one of those cheapies from Office Depot because Junior here can't keep his lightsaber turned off. That's serious."

"That you just talk to him, all I'm asking is."

"I don't like talkin to him. He's got issues. It's like he's crazy or somethin."

"Uh, Steve, a psychiatrist you are."

"Yeah?"

"Supposed to talk to crazy people with issues, you are."

"Nah, that's just the psychiatrists who aren't good enough to get their own practice. Usually, they end up workin for the state or somethin. Me? Mostly I like talkin to rich people who want to lie on my couch for an hour and whine about how their mothers didn't hug them enough when they were kids. It ain't as noble, but it feels like it is 'cause I get paid at the end."

Finally, Steve I convinced that talk to Young Skywalker he should. Able to sit in on the session I was.

"So, Ani... You mind if I call you 'Ani' there, Champ?" Steve asked.

"Nah, G," Young Skywalker said, "as long as you don't mind me callin you 'Steve the Armless Spider', yo."

"OK, 'Anakin' it is. Anakin, Yoda tells me you have a special little friend..."

"You ain't takin' Mr. Snuggles, yo. Ain't nobody takin him."

"Oh, hey, listen, I don't want to take him."

"Good, 'cause I'm libel to bust a cap up in here."

"I just want to talk, Anakin, that's all," Steve told him.

"That's cool," Young Skywalker said, "What you want to talk about?"

"How about your childhood. Back when you were on Tattooine."

"I ain't like to talk about that, yo."

"You were a slave, weren't you?"

"Yeah, but what's that gots to do with nothin, yo?"

"You must've had to work a lot. When did you get time to play?"

"What is this crap, yo? Why you gots to be all askin me dumb questions and spit? Nah, I ain't play. They ain't give us no time to play, yo."

"Then, when you became a Padawan Jedi, they took you straight out into the field instead of training you in the Temple with the other Younglings."

"Yeah. So what? That's all ancient historizzy, G. Ain't nothin but a thing."

"I bet it was somethin then. How did you feel when you would see all the other Padawans having fun together and you had to be with Obi-wan?"

"I was bummed, yo. Hey, get outta my head, G! This is makin me all uncomfortizzle!"

"So, you were a slave when you were on Tattooine. After that, you were going on missions with Obi-wan. When did you have time to be a kid?"

"I didn't have no time to be a kid. Yeah, so?"

"Follow me, here. You think it's possible that by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles there, you might be holdin on to a childhood you never were able to have?"

"Yo, stop it G. You scarin' me. That like, almost makes sense and spit."

"Who gave you Mr. Snuggles, Anakin?"

"Obi-wan, yo. So?"

"He gave it to you when you were little?"

"Yeah."

"How did you feel about Obi-wan back then? What kind of relationship did you have?"

"Yo, I ain't like talkin' about no feelins."

"Hey, look, ain't nobody gonna judge you here."

"He was like my dad and spit, the only one I ever had."

"What about now, since you're not his Padawan anymore?"

"He says we like brothers."

"Is that the way you want it to be, or do you wish it was still like he was your dad?"

"A'ight, you freakin me out, yo! Not cool! Get out my head, yo!"

"But it's true, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it true. I ain't never had a dad but him. I kinda liked things the way they was, except I wouldn't wanna still be a Padawan."

"You think maybe by holdin on to Mr. Snuggles, you're holdin on to that relationship you had with Obi-wan?"

"Dang, yo. I ain't never thought of it that way. Sniff."

"Here. Here's some tissue."

"I ain't cryin' yo."

"Sorry."

"But gimme that tissue."

"Well, I guess you won't be needin this no more," Steve said as reaching for the teddy bear he was.

Up Young Skywalker jumped. "You ain't takin Mr. Snuggles, yo!"

It that is. Up I give.

.

New Designs In the T-shirt Store

2006-02-19T02:16:00.000-05:00

Trying to raise money for the annual Youngling Field Trip we are. Chosen a very special place I have. Have lots of fun we will. Still some whiners in the bunch there are.

"Aww Master Yoda, we go to Dollywood every year. Can't we go someplace different?"

"How come you get to choose the place every time? When do we get to choose?"

"When 900 years old you reach, and head of the Jedi Order you are, choose you can. Fun you will have or a Force-wedgie you will receive."

How to handle younglings, you have to know.

Anyway, money for the field trip we need, so making the Younglings work extra hard in the ~~sweatshop~~ T-shirt factory I am. Two more designs for my online T-shirt store we have come up with. Nothing to do with me or the Jedi these shirts have, but maybe enjoy them all the same you will:

(Other colors and styles than what you see here, these designs come in. Buy these t-shirts here you can.)

Embarrassment Problem Solved

2006-02-18T22:43:00.000-05:00

Embarrassed to be seen in public with Kenobi sometimes I am. When he burps, hear him from a block away, you can. Also learned he has not that a proper handkerchief, one's sleeves are not. And learned yet he has not that in public, some places on the body there are that scratch you do not.

So to avoid going out with him I try. Unfortunately, unavoidable sometimes it is. So come up with a solution I have. A disguise I will wear. That way, recognize me no one will.

So, employed some Republic Intelligence agents I have. Experts in making disguises they are. Very clever, the disguise they made for me is. Want to see it do you?

OK, show it to you I will.

But scroll down you must.

See me in the picture do you? The one with the glasses I am! I know, recognize me you can not. Probably believe that is me you do not. But you I promise, me that is.

So clever this disguise is! Fool my own mother, it would. Completely unrecognizable I am. Wait to try it out, I can not.

At last, retain my dignity I can.

From Big Brother Naboo: Ode to Dolly Parton

2006-02-17T00:00:00.000-05:00

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to write a poem, each of us was. So my heart I bared. Now, naked my soul is.

An excerpt from my poem, here is:

Ode to Dolly P.

Dolly, please excuse me, ma'am

Truly, deeply, in love I am
If far across the sea I swam,
all the way to Vietnam
and back I brought a giant clam,

If you I sent a kiss-o-gram
or you I cooked a tasty yam

... Read the rest here, you can.

So Embarrassing This Is

2006-02-16T00:28:00.000-05:00

So embarrassing this is. See me sitting here do you?

Move I can not. Asleep, my butt is.

When this happens I hate. Talking to me Windu was. About skin care he started talking. When started on that he gets, stop he can not. Able to shut him up, no one can. Sitting for hours pretending to listen to him talk about exfoliation, I was.

Now, lost the feeling in both cheeks, I have. Usually effective in returning the feeling to my butt, rubbing it is. But weird that would look. Ask someone else to rub it, I can not. Ask a male Jedi to do it would not, because have another guy rub my butt I will not! Rather suffer from permanent hiney paralysis, I would. And be too embarrassed to ask a female Jedi to rub me there I would. Besides, too eager to oblige, Yaddle would be. Get her to stop pinching my bottom I can not.

So stuck here I am until feeling to butt returns. Bring me a Diet Pepsi, can someone?

.

Young Skywalker's Problem

2006-02-15T05:57:00.000-05:00

A problem Young Skywalker has. Addicted he is. Avoided talking about it we have. But only worse, his problem has gotten. Time to speak up it is. So an intervention we decided to do.

Young Skywalker sit in the living room we had while gathered around him, everyone who cares about him were.

"What the heck's goin' on here, yo? This feels like an ambushizzle or sumthin'."

"Young Skywalker," I said, "about you all of us care. To help you we want. But break this addiction you must."

Defensive Young Skywalker got. "I can give it up anytime I want, yo. But I ain't want to."

Crying, Senator Amidala was. "Please, Ani, we love you. But you have to give it up. Don't you, like, see what it's doing to us, um, I mean you?"

"Yo, I can handle it! Why you all gots to be hatin'!"

"Anakin," Kenobi said, "don't you wanna to be a Master? Cain't you see you won't be one unless you give this up?"

"Yo, all you all, just back up outta my grill! I ain't givin' it up, yo!"

Want to see Young Skywalker's terrible addiction, do you? Ok, but only if strong enough you are.

Out of the room send the Younglings.

Scroll down a little more you must.

Even while driving, he can not put it down!

"I ain't givin' up Mr. Snuggles, yo! You all can just step off!" The final word that was. Failed to reach him we had.

Know what can be done I do not. Desperate at this point we are.

Thanks to DarkJediKriss for the pic!
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Guest Poster - Obi-Wan Kenobi [Topic: Cheatin' At Checkers]

2006-02-14T00:35:00.000-05:00

Hey, how youns doin'? Good? Good.

I figured I'd write on this here blog of Yoda's 'cause I was hopin' I could get youns' help on somethin. It's been botherin me pretty bad. I cain't hardly finish this here bag of Cheetos I'm workin on right now cause I'm so upset about it.

See, I been playing Checkers with this one feller perty regular. Now, when it comes to Checkers, I ain't too bad. Course, I ain't no Bobby Fisherman, or whatever his name is. Youns know who I'm talkin about - that there boy what whooped all them big shots in that there Chess game. Anyhow, I ain't too bad neither.

But this one feller I been playing against perty regular - he's been beating me every single time. I mean he plum skunks me. Yeah, this feller's perty smart and all, but he cain't be that smart. There ain't no way he could beat me every time unless he's cheatin. It just don't make no sense. He's got to be cheatin.

The problem is, I cain't catch him. I know he's doin' it. I just don't know how. Maybe youns could - well, here, let me show youns what I'm talkin about.

I'll show youns who I'm talking about below.

Youns'll have to scroll down to see the pitcher.

You see how close I'm watchin him here. I still cain't figure out how he's cheatin me. Maybe the next time youns are in Coruscant, you can stop at the Cracker Barrel off of Exit 89 and watch us play some. Then maybe youns can figure out how he's cheatin.

Yeah, I know, it's embarrassing to get beaten by a monkey. But like I said, he's cheatin, so it ain't like no monkey is beatin me fair and square all the time. I'm sure if he weren't cheatin, I could probably win maybe half the time.

Oh, Yoda will be back tomorrow to talk to youns. So I'll see youns later. Have a good one.

At the Firing Range

2006-02-13T22:28:00.000-05:00

Down at the Army firing range inspecting the new Clone Troopers, I was. Some old guy standing around shooting the blasters I noticed. Recognize him I did not, but some kind of big shot he was supposed to be:

Very excited about shooting blasters, he was. Several shots at a target he took.

"Wow, I did pretty good that time, didn't I?" he asked the officer that was helping him.

"Well," the officer said, "let's take a look at your target, Mr. Cheney."

"You're doing much better. You even managed to actually hit the paper this time," the officer said, "Of course, you also took out a lamppost, a bird flying overhead, and a speeder parked across the street.

"I coulda sworn I hit that guy on the target, though."

"No sir, that was the Clone Trooper next to you."

"Oh yeah. Uh, sorry about that."

"It's ok sir, we can always make more Clone Troopers."

"Well, I'm gonna try it again."

At that, to the ground everyone dropped. Several shots, this guy fired at his target. At the end, the only part of the whole firing range still standing, his target was. I think let this guy any where near a blaster, they should not.

Winter Galactic Olympics

2006-02-12T22:24:00.000-05:00

So on, the Winter Galactic Olympics are. For hours on end, Kenobi watches it. Get into it I can not. Bored by it I am. But a question I have. Have it answered I must. What the heck kind of sport this is, and become an Olympic event, how did it?:

Called "Curling" it is. Understand it, I do not. A lot of sweeping the ice with brooms, it involves. Split into Men's Curling and Women's Curling it is. Apparently, an unfair advantage over women when it comes to sweeping with a broom, men have.

Some research I did, and what I came up with, this was: On Planet Scotland, this game started. First played in 1836 on an ice rink owned by Angus MacShifty, it was. Going through hard financial times Angus was, because invested all of his money in his new invention, the mini-Kilt, he had. Unfortunately way ahead of his time, Angus' fashion sense was and catch on until the 1960's the mini-Kilt would not. (A time of peace, love, and hairy legs, the 1960's were, but another story that is.) So forced to lay off his janitorial staff, Angus was.

Of course, consisted only of a local drunk by the name of Patrick MacSneezy, his janitorial staff had. Though a drunkard MacSneezy was, the rink well swept, he kept. So the problem of how the rink would get swept every day, Angus was left with. Too cold to get out on the ice himself Angus was usually, as provide much coverage, his mini-Kilt did not.

So one day, an idea he came up with. All of the local kids he gathered. A "new game" that he claimed he invented, he told them about. A bunch of brooms he handed out. Then a big rock he slid across the ice. He told the kids that sweep in front of the rock, they had to. More clear on the rules he was not. But matter that did not, as strung out on Haggis while listening to loud bagpipe music all day, the kids had been. Play this weird game or eat more sheep innards while listening to more bagpipe music, their choice was. A broom each of them enthusiastically grabbed. Return every afternoon to play this game they would, as a pleasant alternative to the only other recreational activity (sheep guts and bagpipe) that had been available to them, this presented.

About Angus' idea, other ice rink owners across Scotland heard. Soon, laying off their drunk janitors they would be also. In a few years, all over Scotland, played by gullible children tired of eating Haggis this game would be.

Still know how this got into the Olympics or what the point of it is, I do not. But at least have to eat sheep innards, I do not.

.

The Thermostat Crisis

2006-02-11T23:37:00.000-05:00

Very cold on this part of Coruscant it has been lately. Lots of sweaters and ~~long~~ short johns I put on, but still cold I am. Besides, poor my circulation is. So the thermostat in the Temple I keep on high. And the thermostat moved to my room I had, because stop messing with it, people would not. So in my room, under lock and key and protected by an electronic password, it is.

Whining about this constantly, the other Jedi are. But I think very reasonable, 92 degrees is. 98.6, most people's body temperature is supposed to be. So actually, kind of cool I am keeping it. But on complaining, these doofuses insist.

Even at Council meetings, an issue it is.

"Just look at Master Kenobi's seat!" Master Mundi said, "It has a permanent stain now. He is in a constant state of perspiration, as are we all. I can barely stand to look at him!"

"No matter what the weather is, like a Womphog, Kenobi sweats," I replied, "And been there for a long time, that stain has. Surely remember all of the speculation months ago about the cause of the 'mystery stain', you must."

"Well, we don't need to speculate on the cause of Obi-wan's funk," Windu chimed in, "Yes, I know it's normal for him to leave an aroma trail where ever he goes, but I am telling you it is far worse now! Ever since you turned the heat up, his smell has been so bad I'm afraid of getting sick from second-hand B.O.!"

"Clear that up, another session with the pressure-washer will."

"No!" Getting angry, Windu was, "You have got to turn down the heat! Do you know what this is doing to my skin? Do you realize the effect all of this perspiration is having on my pores? You turn down that heat now!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Make me you can not!"

"I think it's about time I showed you just what I can make you do!"

To fight we got up. Moving towards each other we started. The last I remember that is. Apparently, from the heat we both passed out.

So, to compromise I agreed. Down to 91 degrees, the thermostat is now. See how reasonable I am, do you?

From Big Brother Naboo: Now Bob You See, See Bob Now You Do Not

2006-02-10T01:20:00.000-05:00

This week on Big Brother Naboo, supposed to hide something from the many cameras that are in the house, we were. A very clever plot I hatched. Ooh, so clever I am.

To hide Bob the Bantha I decided!

Think what do you? Think I can hide him do you? Read my post to see the answer, you must.

Vote here on who should be evicted you can.

.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

2006-02-09T07:55:00.000-05:00

Note: Last night, down the Internet connection at the Temple was. Stupid Bell Coruscant! Anyway, here last night's post is -

Snoring again, Young Skywalker was. Very loudly he snores. Hear him loud and clear I can even though down the hall, his room is. Like a huge buzz saw he sounds. Last night, so loud he was that scaring the Younglings, he was. Most importantly, keeping me awake he was!

So into his room I went. Up to his bed I walked, then his nose I pinched.

"ZZZZZZzzzz...gurk...qwak! What the-! Yo, what's goin' on! You tryin' to sufficate me, yo?"

"No, just trying to wake you up I was."

"Then why you still pinchin' my nose, G?"

"Oh, sorry. Listen, Young Skywalker, snoring you were. Keeping me awake you were. The Younglings you were scaring. Making all the Wookiees in the neighborhood howl, you were."

"I don't snore, yo."

"Young Skywalker, heard jack-hammers that were not so loud, I have!"

"You trippin'. I ain't snore, yo."

"At least turn over you must."

"Fine, whatever. I'll turn over, yo. Shuh."

Even get back to my room, I did not.

ZZZZzzzzz...zzzzaaak....zzzzzzzzz

Only one thing to do there was. Move Young Skywalker to another location I had to. Fortunately, a very heavy sleeper Young Skywalker is. In Bob the Bantha's stable I put him. But scared by Young Skywalker's snoring, Bob was. A huge fart, Bob let go. Sufficating, the stench was. But wake up Young Skywalker, even that did not!

Anyway, I wonder what Young Skywalker's reaction will be when in the tool shed he finds himself.

Tongue Twister

2006-02-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

Another call from Jar Jar I got tonight. Always calling me with some stupid problem he is. No different, tonight was.

"Yoda, meesa tongue issen stuck inna pencil sharpener! Help!"

Actually, more like this it sounded, "Yo-ah, meeva tog iffen mumph mumph mumph! Helf!"

Fortunately, learned to understand Jar Jar when stuck in something his tongue is, I have. Happened many times this has. Last week, stuck in the vacuum cleaner, it was. A couple of days ago, down the toilet it was (ask you should not).

But the strangest places his tongue has been stuck, those are not! Really strange places he gets his tongue stuck. See below you can.

Posted about this already I have. One day, as driving my speeder I was, honking at me everyone was. Around I turned and this I saw! Know how this happened, I still do not.

But more there is...

Even doing on Planet Iraq what was he?

Very quick, Emperor W's reflexes are.

Know what to say about this I do not. Speechless, I am.

>

Very Serious My Meditation Is

2006-02-07T21:39:00.000-05:00

Attention all Jedi:

Very solemn, my meditiation is. Be disturbed I must not! Taken seriously it must be. (And sleeping while in the meditation room I am not!) Shown, the proper respect must be.

So, stop, the playing of "Connect the Liver Spots" on my head while deep in mediation I am must! When whoever is doing it, I find out, consequences there will be! Go unpunished this can not. An hour to wash the red magic marker off of my head it took this morning.

Perhaps if forward you step now, leniency I will show. But, if step forward by the end of the day today no one does, forced to punish everyone I will be! Immediately following the deadline, suspended all cookie priveleges will be. Yes, harsh that may seem. Want to do it, I do not. But no choice I will have if step forward the guilty party or parties do not.

Believe me, hurt me more than it will hurt you, it will. Ok, maybe not. Maybe only hurt you it will. But the point that is, after all.

Bearded Skywalker

2006-02-06T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today, Young Skywalker looking into the mirror, I noticed. Nothing unusual, this is. Sometimes kissing the mirror, I catch him. But looking even more than usual he was today.

“Young Skywalker, wish to be alone with yourself, do you?”

“Huh?’

“Looking into the mirror even more than usual you are today. Looking at what, are you?”

“Oh, nah, I’m just checkin’ out my fly beard. Yo, check it.” Down he leaned so that see it I could.

“Of what beard do you speak?” I asked.

“What? You trippin’. Look, G, it right here on my face.”

“See it I do not.”

“Yo, it right here. You blind or sumthin’? Shuh.” Pointing to his face he was.

Still see it I could not, so my magnifying glass I got out. “Oh, yes, see it now I can,” I said. A couple of stray peach fuzz hairs I did see. Very faint and very short they were.

“It about time you noticed, G! I ain’t shaved in two months! Couple more days, I be lookin’ like Master Jinn, yo.”

“Um, Young Skywalker, you know, grow hair some men can not. Nothing wrong with that there is. Still manly they can be…”

“Yeah, like Mace-Dawg. He ain’t grow no hair! I’m sure glad I ain’t like ‘at! I gots chest hair and everything, yo.”

“Really? Chest hair you have?”

“Yeah, G! Check it!” His robe he opened just enough so that see his chest I could.

“Where, your chest hair is?” Having trouble seeing this too, I was.

“Dang, you is blind! It right there, yo!” Pointing at something small, he was.

“Young Skywalker, a stray eyelash that is, I think.”

“What? Nah, that ain’t…” with his finger he picked it off, “Ah nah, ah no! Ah, Mustafar, no!”

Maybe why so much time he spends on the hair on top of his head, that is. All the hair he has, it must be.

The Mighty Bowl Party

2006-02-05T23:27:00.000-05:00

A Mighty Bowl party at the Jedi Temple we had tonight. Know what the heck is going on in this game, I do not. Run for a couple of seconds, then stop, all they do is. Know what the point is I do not. Anyway, playing againt the Ithor Iron Workers, the Wroona Womphawks were.

Rooting for the Womphawks, Young Skywalker was. Rooting for the Iron Workers, Kenobi was. The only ones among us who actually understand this game, those two are. Grasp the rules of Go Fish, Kenobi can not. Yet a complete understanding of all the convoluted rules of this game he has.

Just as confused by this game as I was, Windu was. "So they just made a 'tap-down'?" he asked.

"No, that there is called a touch-down," Kenobi corrected.

Later, I asked, "So to first base they just got?"

"No," Young Skywalker sighed, "the just made a first down, yo. 'First base' is Baseball, G. Shuh."

"But a first down they made a couple of minutes ago," I said, "Make a first down again, how can they? The fifth or sixth down this is, I count."

"It ain't work that way, yo."

"Remember when you made it to 'first base', Baby?" Senator Amidala asked Young Skywalker. I think a little too much to drink she had.

"Yo, homegirl, chill about that. We around the giz-eezers, yo. We gots to keep our omance-ray on the own-low-day. Know what I'm sayin'?"

"Young Skywalker, speaking what language are you?" I asked him. "Understand this 'omance-ray' and 'own-low-day' I do not. More Wiggerese that is?"

"Uh, yeah, G. It just means 'We gots to keep our eye on the ball', yo. Yeah."

"Oh, ok then," I said. Glad that he cleared that up, I am.

Later, a "half-time show" they had. Put on by a band called the "Turning Rocks" or something, it was. Going well it was until a wardrobe malfunction, the one called Keith Richards had. Worse it got when out of his mouth, Mick Jagger's dentures fell. Then his hip he threw out while dancing on stage he was.

More confusion after the half-time show, there was. "Touching that other guy's butt, why is the Nickleback?" I asked.

"That feller's called the Quarterback," Kenobi said, "and he ain't toucin that other feller's butt. He's keeping his hands there so that other feller can pass him the ball when he calls 'hut'."

"In this game, Hutts are?" I asked.

"Just watch the game, yo," Young Skywalker said, "You makin me all distracted with all the stupid questions."

But questions Windu still had, "So how many Linestackers does each team have?"

"Linebackers, yo!" Young Skywalker sighed, "Next year, I'm watchin' this game somewheres else!"

In the end, won, the Iron Workers had. But care I did not. At least turn over any speeders this time, angry fans did not.

___________________________________

Know what happened to the February 3rd post, I do not. Disappeared, it has. Stupid Blogger! Maybe re-post it, I will. In the mean time, maybe kick my Stupid Intern some more I will. Always better that makes me feel.

.

Toothbrush Trouble

2006-02-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

This morning, a disturbing sight I saw as preparing to brush my teeth I was. Completely orange, the bristles on my toothbrush were! Only one thing this could mean.

"Kenobi!" I yelled.

Running in he came. "Yup?"

"My toothbrush you used!"

"No I didn't! I swear!"

"Lie to me do not! Cheeto crust on my toothbrush you left!"

"Uh... I musta got your toothbrush mixed up with mine."

"Kenobi, no way there is that confuse my toothbrush with your SpongeBob toothbrush you could!"

"Well, you didn't seem to mind all them times my monkey used your toothbrush!"

"My toothbrush your monkey used?!!" Ooooh, so mad I was!

"Oh... I, uh, thought you knew... I mean, no! He sure didn't!"

"Kenobi, some quality time you, the pressure washer, and I are going to spend today. Out to the shed go and the position assume."

Have to burn my toothbrush now, I will.
________________________

Sorry I am that comment on yesterday's post, you could not. At first, my Stupid Intern's fault I thought it was. So repeatedly I kicked him. Then I found out that Blogger's fault it was. Bad about kicking my Stupid Intern I almost felt. But it occured to me that done stupid things that know about I do not, he must have. So, just to be safe, some more I kicked him.

Working, the comments on this post are, it appears.

.

Yacking With Yoda

2006-02-02T08:15:00.000-05:00

Still doing this stupid radio show, I am. Named it "Yacking With Yoda" now, they have. More humiliating this gets all the time.

Even worse it is because for advice, only doofuses call. Dumber I feel myself becoming every time that to one of these people I talk.

An excerpt for the show here is:

Me: "Okay, Charlene our next caller's name is. Hello, Charlene. Yacking with Yoda you are. Hello? Charlene? There are you?"

Producer: "The button! For God's sakes, it's been three weeks already! Can't you learn to push the stupid flashing button?!"

Charlene: "Hello? Am I on?"

Me: "Yes. On you are. Your radio turn down please."

Charlene: "Oh, sorry."

Me: "Your problem what is?"

Charlene: "Well, my baby's daddy is about to go off to war, and we're thinkin' about gettin' hitched. See, if we ain't married, and somethin happens to him, I cain't collect on no Widow's pension. But if we do get hitched, then I won't get welfare checks for me and my five kids, even though he ain't the daddy of four of 'em. At least, I think he ain't. What should I do?"

Me: "In a mobile home you live, Charlene?"

Charlene: "Yeah! That's amazin'! How'd you know that?"

Me: "Lucky guess. Five younglings... so already procreated you have."

Charlene: "Yeah."

Me: "Yes, too late to correct that mistake it is."

Charlene: "Huh?"

Me: "A way that get married and still recieve a check from the government you can, there is."

Charlene: "How?"

Me: "To war you should go. In fact, draft you now we should before allowed to spawn again, you are. Next caller. Hello, yacking with Yoda you are."

Beth: "Uh, Hi. Yeah, Yoda I'm calling because my husband is having problems with my cats."

Me: "Of what kind of problems you speak?"

Beth: "Well it turns out he's allergic to cats. But you know, he does fine as long as long as he wears that gas mask with the oxygen tank whenever he's in the house! But he's being stubborn. He keeps saying I need to get rid of the cats or he's leaving! What should I do?"

Me: "How many cats have you?"

Beth: "Only twelve."

Me: "It sounds like respect you for who you are, your husband does not."

Beth: "Exactly! That's what I was telling him..."

Me: "Yes. See that to be known as the neighborhood's 'crazy old cat lady' you want, he does not."

Beth: "Wait, I..."

Me: "More understanding he should be. Obviously, willing to live in a hairball infested house that smells like cat pee you are because no people skills you have, you are. To respect that he needs."

Beth: "I don't think..."

Me: "Realize how lucky he is that you even married him, he does not. Normally, alone without a husband or any friends, people like you die. Yet, willing to let him into your life you are."

Maybe more effective I would be, if hate all of the callers I did not.

The Kenobi Diet Plan

2006-02-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

The other night, out of the bathroom and into the living room wearing only his tighty-whities, Kenobi came. His hairy beer gut he was scratching with one hand, and with the other hand picking his teeth he was. Unfortunately, the last sight I see before going to bed this often is.

"Kenobi, a good thing it is that see you that way tonight, the female Jedi do not. Able to control themselves, they would not be. Hmm, yes, go back on their Jedi oath, they would."

To ignore me he chose, because an announcment he had. "Tomorrow, I'm gonna go on a diet."

"Every night you say that Kenobi. In the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself, and pleased with the sight you are not. So declare that on a diet you will go the next day. Then, the next morning, amnesia you will have and eat your usual plate full of bacon with a side of grease, you will. Apparentally how you looked in the mirror you forget, until that night when in the mirror with only your tighty-whities you see yourself again. Then again, the cycle starts."

"No, now I mean it this time," Kenobi said as his tighty-whities he was picking out off ...nevermind, "I'm really gonna stick to it. I ain't gonna eat no bacon or any other kinda beef neither. I'm just gonna eat that there cereal, Fiber Roughage Extreme, three times a day. Maybe do it for a week."

"Kenobi, know how wise that is I do not..."

"There ain't nothin to worry about. I done read the box. That there cereal's got 100% of all yer daily vitamins, even Vitamin Q, a whole buncha letters like that. Plus, it's got 3000% of yer daily fiber, so you know it's got to be good fer ya."

Too worried I was not, because stick with these diets he does not. But yesterday, all day only the Fiber Roughage Extreme he ate. Even put sugar on it he did not. And sugar he puts on all his cereals, even his favorite cereals, Sugar Cubes and Cap'n Cavities.

Impressed with his self-control I was. Unfortunately, spent all day today in the bathroom he has. Exaggerating I am not. Early this morning he went in there, and come out he has not. Groans I hear from there every few minutes. And tell you let me, want to walk too close to the door you do not! So bad the smell is, sting your eyes will.

Every so often, knock on the door and check on Kenobi I will. "Kenobi? Still alive are you?"

"Yeah," very weak he sounds, "just there ain't so much of me anymore."

Too bright, Kenobi is not.

.

The Chancellor's State of the Republic Address

2006-01-31T22:19:00.000-05:00

Nothing good on TV tonight there was. His State of the Republic speech, the Chancellor gave. So boring it was. So through the channels I flipped. On almost all of the channels he was. On the rest, only garbage was.

" ... which is why I have directed that legislation be submitted to the Senate which would ban all David Hasselhoff music from the Republic."

Thunderous applause

Flip

"Not only does it slice, dice, puree, and get out those tough coffee stains, but it's great for treating hair loss too!"

Flip

"...and thanks to the No Wookiee Left Behind initiative, nearly every Wookiee youngling will have a chance to go to Obedience School."

Thunderous applause

Flip

"Listen, you need to get real with yourself and identify these harmful behaviors. That's why I'm going to make sure you get a copy of my new book Get Off the Couch You Fat Cow."

Flip

"The Republic has become far too dependant on foreign sources for our cookies. Many of these sources are unstable worlds from the Mid East part of the galaxy. Tonight, I announce the Domestic Cookie Initiative, which will end our dependance on foreign cookies within the next ten years."

Thunderous applause.

Flip

"How many thousands of credits would you expect to pay for this amazing product? But if you act now it's yours for only $19.99! We'll even throw in the nose hair trimming attachment, shoe buffing attachment, and this amazing set of steak knives for absolutely free! That's a $123,000.00 value for only $19.99! But that's not all! If you call within the next 30 seconds..."

Flip

"The Republic has made it clear to the Tatooine government that Tatooine must stop developing weapons of mass confusion..."

Thunderous applause

Flip

"What's that, Lassie? Timmy's at the bottom of a ravine and his leg is broken?"

"Arf!"

"You say it's a compound fracture of his right tibula?'

"Arf!"

"Oh, you said fibula. I'm sorry."

Flip

"Thank you and good night."

Thunderous applause.

So, how a State of the Republic speech ends, this is - with thunderous applause.

.

Peace and Quiet, All I Want Is

2006-01-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

I think allergic to Kenobi I must be. Whenever around he comes, a headache I get. Hide from him now I must when some peace and quiet I want. Unfortunately, very good at finding me he is. And take a hint, he can not.

"Master, whatcha doin inside that there kitchen cabinet?"

"Uh... er... inspecting the pots and pans, I am. Close the door now you must, please."

"That looks like fun. Can I do it too?"

"No! I mean, too big you are. Fit in here you would not."

"I betcha I could too fit."

The next thing I knew, being squished between the Teflon non-stick pans and that stack of Tupperware without the lids, I was.

"This ain't as much fun as you said," Kenobi said.

"Said it was fun I did not! Invite you I..."

"Hey!" Harvey the Youngling's voice I hear, "I wanna play!"

"No, Harvey!" I yelled. But too late it was. Before I knew it, up in my face, my foot was. Move, I could not.

"This isn't fun!" Harvey said, "You guys play some weird games, Master Yoda."

"Mmph mmph ummph ummph!" I said.

I think a vacation I need.

Guest Poster - Anakin Skywalker [Topic: Geezer's Nursemaid]

2006-01-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

This is whack, yo! Them Geezers did it to me again! Check it:

So Mace Daddy gets his lower back all jacked up and spit 'cause he be actin the fool in front of his Sweatin to the Oldies video, right? Or maybe it was his Buns of Steel video. Yo, whatever. Dude's old. Dude be dancin' in front of the TV. Dude's spine is jacked 'cause geezer can't dance no way.

Anyway, M-Dawg decide he cain't do nothin for hisself on account of the doctor told him he gotta take it easy and spit. Like he do sumthin around here 'sides get in my grill all the time anyway. He say he need somebody to do stuff for him since he cain't do it his own self. Like one of us is gonna be all waitin' on him and spit.

Well, I shoulda known them geezers would make me do it, yo. Yoda is all like, "Put up with his crap I will not. Going to do this you are."

At first, I was all like, "I'm the Chosen One, yo! I ain't got time to be all nursemaidin' no geezer!" But then I thought maybe this give me the chance to be all brown-nosin' to Master Windu and maybe they make me a Master like they supposed to.

So at first it was goin a'ight. He be sittin' up in bed while I get him his Ho Ho's and the latest issue of that Tiger Beat magazine that he like. But then he be all demandin and stuff. He like, "Anakin scratch my nose."

And I wanted to tell him, "Yo, scratch you own nose, G! You arms ain't broke!" But I decide to do it anyhow, what with me tryin' to brown-nose and spit. But then, he decide he all completely helpless and stuff and he ain't gonna do nothin'. Like he cain't wax his own head 'cause he cain't move his arms up that far. So who you think be waxin, moisturizin, and exfoliatin him the whole time now? That geezer's skin care regimenizzle takes all day, yo! That like a full-time job it own self! But I be doin it for him, yo. And I ain't complainin neither.

You think that enough for the geezer? Shuh. 'Fore I know it, he got me takin his pink fluffy shirt with the ruffles out to be dry-cleaned, doin' the Epilady on his back, organizin' his My Little Pony collection, and all kinda stuff like 'at. And I was like, "A'ight, I can do this. I'm the Chosen One, yo. Ain't nothin' I cain't handle."

But then, like all of a sudden he whip his socks off and he like, "Anakin, massage my corns. They're killing me!"

Yo, I took one look at them moldy feet and said, "Nuh-uh! I ain't goin' no where near that stuff, yo! You feet got all fungus and spit all over 'em. They green in places! They nasty!"

Then he threatened to write me up and spit 'cause I ain't do what a Master tell me to do. Whatever, yo. The Chosen One ain't touchin' no foot fungus. I got my rep to think about. I got outta his room and I ain't been back. Let him get his own Ho Ho's, yo.

Yo, Yoda be back here tomorrow to talk to you and spit. Like that means sumthin.

.

Elevator Politics

2006-01-28T22:49:00.000-05:00

Riding the elevator in the Senate building I was today. There, Chancellor Palpatine, Senator Amidala, and her handmaidens were too. Suddenly, the cheese someone cut. Pretty bad it smelled.

To pretend like it didn't happen, the Chancellor and Senator tried. But let this offense go, I could not. Take responsibility, someone had to.

"Chancellor," I said, "like to venture a guess would you..."

"Oh no," he responded, "I shall not be drawn into another game of 'Guess Who Farted' by you, Master Yoda. As I recall, the last time that happened, I was quite unjustly branded the 'Feller' even though I was clearly not the 'Smeller'."

"My fault that was not. Make the rules I do not."

"My understanding is that you did in fact make the rules for 'Guess Who Farted', as you created the game in the first place."

"OK, so make the rules I did. Still, Chancellor, chosen as the 'Feller' fair and sqare, you were. However, this time, make the 'windy' you did not. No, from someone else the toot came."

"I confess," Senator Amidala said, "Like, it was me, alright? I did it. I'm sorry. God. Whatever."

"Wait," one of the handmaidens said as forward she stepped, "Like, I am the real Padmé Amidala. This is my handmaiden. They're like, trained to take the blame for me when this happens. I am the gas passer."

"Like, are you sure?" Said the first one, "I was like so sure it was me."

"I could've sworn it was me," yet another handmaiden said.

I think maybe too close those girls are.

From Big Brother Naboo: Redecorating

2006-01-27T21:16:00.000-05:00

This week on Big Brother Naboo, redecorating our bedrooms our challenge was. So bad that would not be. But Jabafatboy and General Grievous, my roommates are. No sense of style those doofuses have! Very close to having deer antlers and that Wookiees Playing Poker painting hanging on the walls, we had.

Still, some fun I did have:

"Hey, Grievous, you seen that little Yoda feller?"

Hee hee hee!

See my post here, you can.

Vote on who should be evicted here, you can.

See the other contestants' posts, here you can.

Chewbacca On TV

2006-01-26T23:15:00.000-05:00

Today, an email from Chewbacca I received. On TV he was going to be, it said. Actually, more like, "Mworrrrrrr!! Wuarrrr! Mwar?" it was. Fortunately, fluent in Wookiee I am.

Anyway, very excited he was, so to tune in I agreed. Unfortunately, this Doofus I saw:

"Hi. I'm Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter, and today I'm in a really dangerous place called Kashyyyk! I'm here because I'm going to pull some actual hair from an actual Wookiee! Why? Because it's really stupid and I've got oatmeal for brains!

"These beautiful creatures can grow to be over 7 feet tall! But don't let their good looks fool ya! One of these beauties could easily tear a man's arm right off! If you see a Wookiee, don't go near it - unless you're an overrated zookeeper desperate for attention, like me!

"Crikey! There's a Wookiee right over there! What a beauty! It looks like he's performing the Wookiee resting ritual called 'chillin'. This is the perfect time for me to go up and grab a big old handful of his hair!

"Blimey! What a smell! This big fella really stinks a lot! I've never smelled anything so bad!

"Well, no time like the present! I'll just reach over and grab me a handful of this beastie's hair!

"It just so happens it's Bring Your Baby to Your Insanely Dangerous Job Day! I think the little fella is almost as excited as I am! Well, here goes!

"AAAAAHHH!!! Crikey! Me arm! That's not gonna grow back! AAAAHHH!!! Me face! AAAAHH!!! Blimey he bites hard! OWW!! Crikey, it hurts!! It's a good thing the baby got away! I never knew he could crawl so fast! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!..."

Entertaining this turned out to be. Of course, excited to be on TV, Chewie was. After the show, me he called. Wondering if maybe he could turn himself into a celebrity because of this, he was. "Mwarrrr oowarrr Omarosa, ruaarrrrr!" he said.

Know I do not, Chewie. Much meaner than that, Omarosa was. Next time, more brutal you will have to be.

Kenobi and Vegetables

2006-01-25T22:08:00.000-05:00

Eat his vegetables, Kenobi will not. Good they are for him, I tell him. But listen, he does not.

"Kenobi, many starving chldren in the galaxy there are. Love to have your creamed corn, they would."

"Great! Let's box this up and give it to 'em."

"Kenobi, get big and strong in the Force like me how will you if eat your spinach, you do not?"

But on Kenobi, none of this works. Sometimes, required to force-feed him I am.

"Choo choo! Open wide Kenobi! The train here comes! Choo choo!" The train he likes, get as much success from the airplane, I do not.

Sometimes, force him to eat the vegetable I can if take his Cheetos away I threaten. But even then, find his veggies wrapped up in a napkin, I will.

"Wait, Kenobi! Get up from the table do not! Eat your brussel sprouts, did you?"

"Yep."

"See let me. Your mouth open, please. Your tongue move. Kenobi! Swallow the brussel sprouts you did not!"

Expect a little more maturity from a grown man I would. Wait. Kenobi I am talking about. Nevermind.

Deathmatch With Dooku - Part II

2006-01-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

Ready to finish this, once and for all, Dooku and I were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us was. Below, a transcript of our fight is.

Al: Hello, and welcome to this edition of Jedi Sumo. I'm your host, Al Michaels and joining me in the booth is John Madden. John, the crowd is literally buzzing tonight with anticipation of seeing these two titans of the Force face each other.

John: Yeah, I tell ya, Al, I haven't see a crowd this buzzed since my sister's kid's wedding reception. Boy, they were sauced, let me tell ya.

Al: Uh, yeah. Well, surely you'd agree this crowd is excited at the prospect of seeing these two combatants take to the ring tonight.

John: Sure, and who wouldn't be excited to see these two guys, Doodoo and Yoga, goin' at it? I mean this is gonna be one heckuva fight, let me tell ya. I tell ya, I was so excited tonight, I almost forgot to eat my second helping of dessert! I can't wait to see these guys really hammer each other.

Al: Well, it looks like you will get your chance, John. Yoda and Dooku have taken their positions in the ring. They each have their thumbs in their ears and are waving their hands as they stick their tongues out in each other's direction. That is the traditional Jedi Sumo Salute which begins every match.

John: Boy, that was some raspberry that little Toga fella launched at Doodoo. It looks like Doodoo's wiping the spit out of his eye. I gotta tell ya, Al, I don't think Toga has got much of a chance here. That Doodoo fella has gotta outweigh him by at least 150 pounds. I just don't see him beatin' that.

Al: I'm going to have to disagree with you on that point, John. As Yoda said in one of his locker room interviews, "Size matters not". We'll see if that holds true tonight. Oh, it looks like they may be getting ready to make their moves.

Yoda: Ready to die tonight, are you, Dooku?

Count Dooku: I say, old boy, I don't see how you can possibly manage without your mother here to fight this battle for you.

John: Ooh, that had to hurt.

Al: Yes, John. As you know, this is an important part of the traditional Jedi Sumo match, known as "Taw-keen Smakk". It looks like the first point goes to Dooku in this instance. Yoda's going to have to come up with a good line to recover from that one.

Count Dooku: I trust we can be gentlemen about this and agree to avoid any direct blows to the face. I do have appearances to keep up, you know.

Yoda: Worry about me messing up your face you should not. Like someone beat me to it, it looks.

Count Dooku: I say, there's no need to be unkind.

John and Al: OH!!!!!

John: Yoga got him good with that one, Al.

Al: Yes, and I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that Dooku left himself wide open with that "Don't hit me in the face" request. He literally handed Yoda the opening he needed. And then he followed it up with that feeble reply about being unkind.

John: Yeah, I gotta tell ya, that was a pretty lame comeback if I ever heard one. That Count Cuckoo fella really needs to work on his technique. But I think where he's really gonna come out strong is the next part when they try to bump each other outta the ring. We're really gonna see some action then.

Al: Well, they're lining up and facing each other. It looks like we're going to see that action you were talking about. Wait! What's this? Dooku is attempting to throw Force lightning at Yoda... Yoda catches the Force lightning and throws it back at Dooku's feet, forcing him to jump up and down.

Yoda: Dance, Sith boy, dance! Hee hee hee! Kick your feet higher you must! Yes, it that is! Hee hee hee!

John: That little Yoga fella sure has a funny laugh. Say, Al, is that lightnin' stuff legal?

Al: John, as you know, there are almost no rules in Jedi Sumo. That's what makes it one of the deadliest forms of combat out there. Perhaps the only rule that has lasted down through the centuries in this time-honored martial art is that only one person comes out alive. You know, an interesting bit of trivia about the history Jedi Sumo is that originally, before the inflatable suits were invented, the combatants would fight in suits filled with live Ewoks.

John: That musta been before they invented air.

Al: Uh, yeah. Anyway, the combatants are taking their positions again. It looks like they are finally going to start bumping against each other with their Sumo suits. Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Yoda is waddling towards Dooku... Yoda walks right under Dooku's legs. It seems there was some miscalculation on either Dooku's or Yoda's part there... It looks like they're about to try it again... Dooku is waddling towards Yoda... Wait! Yoda is off the ground... he's using the Force to propel himself into the air... It looks like Yoda is going to bump Dooku in mid-air... And they collide!

John: OH!!! They're both down! Did you see the distance they flew after that bump, Al? Both of those guys, Yogurt and Cuckoo, really got knocked down pretty bad.

Al: And it looks like those Sumo suits are making it hard for them to get back on their feet. Both of them are having a hard time getting back up, John. Yoda especially keeps rocking back and forth, trying to get himself back up. Rocking, rocking, rocking...

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzz

Al: What's this? Yoda has rocked himself to sleep, John! This is incredible!

John: Yeah, and it looks like that Doodoo fella is gettin' up, now!

Al: Will Dooku take advantage of this situation to gain the upper hand? No! It looks like Dooku is running away! Dooku is running away, apparently too afraid to finish the fight.

John: Man, he always does that!

Al: Well, it appears this fight will remain unfinished tonight. Frank Gifford is down at the ring now. Let's get Yoda's reaction to all of this.

Frank: Yoda, what's your reaction to Dooku running off without finishing the fight?

Yoda: Zzzzzzzzzzz

So humiliating this was. Next time, just smite him down with my lightsaber, I will. Easier that will be and fall asleep I will not.

.

Deathmatch With Dooku

2006-01-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

Settle this once and for all, we will. No turning back now, there is. Going to throw down, Dooku and I are. Walk away from this alive, only one of us will.

But dueling with lightsabers we are not. No, a form of Jedi combat even more brutal and dangerous, we chose. Ancient this form of combat is. Developed by the Jedi centuries ago, it was. Very respected, it is. Mastered it, only a few Jedi have.

Want to see this deadly form of combat, do you? I don't know, perhaps see it you should not.

OK, if see it you must, then scroll down you should.

Wait! Out of the room are the younglings? Ok, then keep scrolling you can.

Warning: If heart trouble you have, scroll down you must not. Also, if a weak stomach you have, scroll down you must not.

The last warning, this is.

Ok, here the deadliest, most brutal form of Jedi combat is:

For the weak of heart, this is not. Time for Dooku's destruction, it is.

.

A Purse It Is

2006-01-22T22:41:00.000-05:00

I think maybe beyond help, Windu is. Trying to make him more macho we are, but working it is not. Some progress we thought we were making, but with a man-purse, Windu walked in today. Already "discussing" it when I came into the room, Windu and Kenobi were.

"What're ya carryin' there, Mace, a purse?"

"It is not a purse! It is an urban man bag! Can't you tell a purse when you see it?"

"Looks like a purse to me." Kenobi said.

"It is not a purse! It is an urban man-bag!" Windu objected.

"Right Kenobi is, a purse it looks like to me too."

"Well, I'm telling you it is not a purse!"

Kenobi snickered. "Can ya put stuff in it?"

"Yes, of course."

"Do ya put it over your shoulder?"

"Yes."

"Well, then, what part of 'purse' cain't you understand?"

"Very good, Kenobi. Almost sense that made. But right he is, Windu. A purse that is."

"Yeah," Kenobi chuckled, "I think I'll start callin' you Mary from now on."

"IT'S NOT A PURSE! You people really need to open your minds! Lots of men have started wearing urban man bags! It's convenient, it's trendy, and, most of all, it is manly! That's right, I said, 'manly'! Only a real man can walk around carrying one of these bags! It is manly to want a place to carry your important things, like head shine cream, vanity mirrors, and your favorite Beenie Baby! It is manly. It is manlier than manly!"

"Going where are you?"

"I have to get some shoes to match this bag! It clashes with everything I have!"

As see you can, hopeless, Windu is.

.

Steal My Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby You Must Not

2006-01-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

Ow... Ow... Ow... An ice cream headache I have. Eating my Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby too fast, I was. Ow... Ow.. Excruciating the pain is. To take a lightsaber and chop my own head off I want. That bad the pain is. Ow... Ow... Ouch.

Oh, gone now it is. Oh, sweet relief I am feeling.

Eat my ice cream fast I must. Or else, try to steal it, Kenobi will. That know it is him I did not, he used to think. But all along, I knew. Just caught him in the act, I had not. But determined to catch him I was. So today, when to the freezer to steal my ice cream he went, what he saw this was:

"C-c-c-c-caught you I ha-ha-have!" I said.

"What the -?! How long you been in there, Master?"

"Th-th-th-three hours b-b-b-b-been in h-h-h-here I h-h-h-have. B-b-b-busted you are!"

"What's that noise?"

"M-m-m-my knees kn-kn-kn-knocking together, it is. Out of h-h-h-here get me. F-f-f-feel my f-f-f-feet or h-h-h-hands I can not!"

A while for the feeling to return to my extremities it took. A bad cold I have now, too. But worth it, it was. Kenobi I sure showed.

.

From Big Brother Naboo

2006-01-20T23:40:00.000-05:00

Checked out Big Brother: Naboo lately, have you? Why not? Hmm? Tired of your excuses, I am. But, if a reason to go there you need, below a little sample of it is.

The Setting - Locked in a house with eleven other contestants for the reality show, Big Brother, I am. Teamed in pairs of two, for our first challenge we were. For our challenge, supposed to cook foods native to their home planet one person was, and supposed to eat it quickly the other person was. Teamed with Jabafatboy, I was. The cooking I would do, and the eating Jabafatboy would do. A disgusting pig he is, as see below you can:

"Here, smell this. Smell fresh to you does it? Maybe a little taste you should have."

"Whoa! A piece just flew up my nose! I'll have ta get it with my tongue."

Check out the blog you must! An opportunity to vote on who gets kicked out of the house, you have!

Click here to read my team mate's (Jabafatboy's) post you can. Then...

Click here to read my post you can. Or...

Click here to read all the contestants' posts you can. And...

Click here to vote you can!

If a Force-wedgie you desire not, check out the blog you will.

.

In, the Jedi Master Is

2006-01-19T23:22:00.000-05:00

Some weird ideas, the Chancellor has. To host a new radio call-in show, he wanted me. Called "Ask the Jedi Master" it is. Interested in such foolishness I am not. Advice from a talk show host, only losers seek. Wasted on losers, my wisdom is. Of course, stop me from advising Windu, that does not.

But strongly, Chancellor Palpatine insisted. "It would make for wonderful public relations for the Jedi and indeed the entire government, if you would share your immense wisdom with the people, Master Yoda. And that, my friend, would go a long way towards convincing me to restore the Jedi Order's cookie budget."

"Ok, twisting my arm you are."

"Yes, I can be very persuasive."

"No, literally I mean. Twisting my arm, you are. Let go now, please."

"Oh, yes, of course. I apologize. I don't know what came over me."

Creepy, that guy is.

Anyway, convinced I was. So tonight my first night was. Like this it went:

Me: "Welcome back. In the Jedi Master is, so our first call let us take. Have to say that everytime do I? Stupid that sounds."

Producer: [in a whisper] "Yes. Don't talk to me. Just take the call."

Me: "Ok, Charlene from Tatooine, our first caller is. Hello caller, there are you?"

Producer: "The button!"

Me: "What?"

Producer: "Push the button."

Me: "Which button? Too many there are."

Producer: "The one that's flashing!"

Me: "Oh, ok. Got it now, I think. Susan, there are you?"

Charlene: "Hello? Am I on? Hello?"

Me: "Susan, your radio turn down. Hear my own echo, I can."

Charlene: "There. Sorry."

Me: "Help you, how can I, Susan?"

Charlene: "Well, I need to know if my boyfriend is ready to commit."

Me: "Commit a crime, you mean?"

Charlene: "No, I mean commit to me. It's just that he keeps giving me mixed signals, you know? One minute, he's all sweet to me, like letting me drive the car I loaned him and stuff, then the next minute he's setting my trailer on fire. One minute, he's letting me watch what I want to watch on TV during the commercial breaks of the football game, and then the next minute he's making out with my sister. I wish he'd let me know how he really feels. I don't know what to think!"

Me: "Hmm, yes. Right you are. You're main problem, not thinking is. Tell me, first cousins were your parents?"

Charlene: "You know my parents?"

Me: "Charlene, need a man to complete you, you do not."

Charlene: "Really?"

Me: "Yes. A feeling I have that mess up your own life fine without his help, you could. Next caller. On the line, Kenny from Alderaan is. Go ahead caller. Hello, there are you? Caller?"

Producer: "Push the button!"

Me: "Oh yes. Confusing this is. Old I am. Patient you must be. Caller, there are you?"

Kenny: "I'm here."

Me: "With what can I help you, Kenny?"

Kenny: "Well, I really like this girl in my class, but I don't know how to tell her. I mean I have told her, but I don't know how to do it in a way that will make her feel the same way about me. I mean she's really, really, cool and she makes me feel real happy. I just want her to like me that way, you know?"

Me: Zzzzzzz

Producer: "Wake up! You're on the air for crying out loud!"

Me: "What? Hmm? Awake I am, listening I was."

Kenny: "Master Yoda, I've tried everything to show this girl how much I like her. I've given her roses, read poetry to her, I've even seranaded her outside her bedroom window one night. Unfortunately, she didn't happen to be home that night..."

Me: "Kenny, only go by what my people do to show they like each other, I can. Hopped on one foot in a circle around this girl while whistling, have you?"

Kenny: "No."

Me: "Stood on your hands in front of her while clucking like a chicken, have you?"

Kenny: "Uh, no."

Me: "Then really tried to show your feelings to this girl you have not, have you? Back with me get when serious you are."

Kenny: "Wait, please! Just one more question!"

Me: "Ok."

Kenny: "Do you think it's possible that she doesn't like me back because I'm fat?"

Me: "Probably. Especially if Acne you have too. Next caller. On the line, Patricia from Endor is. Hello Patricia. Hello? Patricia?"

Producer [stomps over to Yoda and presses button in disgust]

Patricia: [in an odd, high-pitched voice] "Hello?"

Me: "Yes, on the air you are. Your problem what is?"

Patricia: "Well, I have this really stupid boss. I mean he's a real jerk."

Me: "MmHmm, more about this boss tell me. A big jerk he is?"

Patricia: "Oh yes. No one likes him. He's so full of himself. He thinks he's the wisest person in the room. But he's just a tiny little weasel. A green weasel. He's just a short little green weasel."

Me: "Young Skywalker! You that is?"

Patricia: "Yo, busted! I mean, uh, [in high-pitched voice] No! My name is Patricia! I don't know any Skywalkers!"

Me: "See through you I can! Young Skywalker you are! A Force-wedgie for this, you will receive!"

~~Patricia~~ Young Skywalker: "YEEEEOWWWW-OWIE-OW-OW!"

[Receiver clicks. Phone hangs up on other end.]

See do you? An utter waste of time this was.

More Monkey Business and Who the Winner of the "Name That Hutt" Contest Is

2006-01-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

A surprise I got when at the breakfast table I sat this morning. As usual, there with his face in his bowl of Cap'n Typho cereal, Kenobi was. But different he seemed.

"Kenobi, different you look ... Put my finger on it I can not ...Combed your hair is ...Shiny it looks ...Wait! What it is I know! Clean you look! Spray you with the pressure washer recently and then forget that I did, did I?"

Up from his cereal bowl he looked. From his nose some milk was dripping. That he would use a spoon I really wish. "No. It's that monkey I got yesterday. He spent the whole dang night groomin' me. I knowed them monkeys groom each other, but I didn't know they use combs, hair dryers, and conditioner. That was kinda surprisin'."

"Oh yes, the monkey. Returning it today you are, right?"

"I guess." The cereal bowl he brought up to his mouth and with a loud slurp, he gulped down his milk. But a half-hearted slurp, it was. Tell that still upset he was, I could.

Later, by Kenobi's room I passed. Neat and clean it looked! Shocked I was!

"Kenobi!" I said, "To your room what happened?"

"It's the monkey! He keeps throwin my stuff around!"

"Mean what, do you? In the book case and not the floor, all of your comic books are. In your dresser, all of your socks are. Hanging from the ceiling fan, your underwear is not."

"See! I cain't find nothin now, 'cause I don't know where anything is!"

Just then, into the room, Windu came running. "Obi-wan!" he yelled, "Your stupid monkey keeps throwing his little monkey squeezins all over me! Do you know how hard it is to maintain your prettiness when you've got chimpanzee poop all over you?"

"OK, it that does!" I declared.

"I know. I know," Kenobi said, "I gotta take the monkey back."

"No!" I said, "Going to keep the monkey you are!" Say what, can I? Be all bad, something that does that to Windu, can not!
______________________________________________

A Winner We Have!

A winner in the Name That Hutt contest we have! Deshanna the winner is. "Skeeter the Hutt" her entry was.

A blog called "The Calm Eye of the Insanity Tornado" she has. Check it out you might. An "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me, she will get. Also, a Gmail invitation she will receive. Congratulations, Deshanna! And like to thank everyone who participated, Jabafatboy and I would.

So now, my pleasure to introduce to you it is...

Skeeter the Hutt!

.

A Request From Kenobi

2006-01-17T23:07:00.000-05:00

Something to disuss with me today, Kenobi had.

"Uh, master? I got a problem."

"What it is, Kenobi? Get the Crayons stuck up your nose again, did you?"

"No, no. It ain't nothin like that. I ain't got no Crayons stuck up my... Well, to be honest, I do, but that ain't what I came to talk to you about."

"Told you before I have, actual monkeys, your 'Sea Monkeys' are not. Put bananas in the tank you must not."

"Are you sure about that? I mean, uh, no, that ain't it either."

"Well, then, what it is, Kenobi?"

"Can I have a pet Chimpanzee? Please? I'll take real good care of it, I promise!"

"Kenobi, take proper care of your Sea Monkeys you can not. No way there is that take care of a real monkey you could."

"Aw come on! Please!"

"No! End up feeding it and cleaning up after it I would. Absolutely not."

"But... "

"What it is, Kenobi?"

"I kinda already got myself one."

"You what?!"

"It just followed me home, I swear! Can I keep it, please?"

"From where, did it follow you?"

"From the pet store."

"Hm hmm, what I thought that was. Going to return that monkey tomorrow you are."

"Oh, you never let me do nothin!"

Already a monkey he is. Going to take care of two of them I will not!

Yard Sale at the Jedi Temple

2006-01-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

This weekend, a yard sale at the Temple we held. All kinds of doofuses, a yard sale will bring out.

"Do you have any baby clothes besides the Jedi robes?"

"Baby clothes those are not! My robes those are!"

Some of his old Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirts, Kenobi was trying to sell. But the same question, customers kept asking. "What is this stain/smell? I've never seen/smelled that color/odor before."

And always to haggle, customers want. "I'll give you two credits for that whole box of used robotic limbs."

A hard time selling his things, Windu was having. Never seen so many Village People 8-trak cassettes I have. And two whole tables for his My Little Pony collectibles, he needed.

Upset, Young Skywalker got when by the yard sale he stopped. An old teddy bear he picked up. "Yo, this is whack, G! What you doin' puttin' Mr. Snuggles out here, yo? This here my bear! Ain't nobody buyin' him!"

"Young Skywalker, too old for Mr. Snuggles you are. Time to move on it is."

"What?! My G.I. Jango action figures?! You tryin to sell my G.I. Jango action figures?! This ain't gonna play, yo!"

"Play with them anymore you do not! Collecting dust in the attic they are!"

"I just ain't seen 'em in a while! Besides, they all collectibizzles and spit."

"But missing arms and legs many of them are!"

"Oh, it's like that now, huh? You just throw someone out 'cause they ain't got they arms or legs? I ain't got my arm, yo! Why ain't you put one of them pieces of tape with the prices on my head and try to sell me?"

"Crossed my mind, the thought has."

"Fine! You go ahead and be like 'at! You know what you problem is? You all insensitizzle, G. I oughts to lay the smack-down on you and spit! Don't think I cain't do it, either! Cause I'm the Chosen One, yo! Ain't no one badder than me! I'm one bad, manly mammer jammer, yo! ...Come on, Mr. Snuggles. We outta here." Two boxes of his old things he carted up to his room. Talking to Mr. Snuggles the whole time he was, "Don't worry, Mr. Snuggles. I won't let nobody do nothin like 'at to you again!"

Six hours later, sold most of our things we had. Two days, getting ready for this we had spent. 52 items we had laid out. At least an hour breaking down the tables and cleaning up we spent. Finally, ready to count all the money we had made, we were. So the box I opened and the money I counted. 12 and a half credits we made. Almost .10 an hour that turns out to be. I think go have a good cry now, I will.

____________________________________________

By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.

Why Eat An El Beefo Grande Burrito Before Bed You Should Not

2006-01-15T00:04:00.000-05:00

Movie night it was last night. Kenobi's turn to pick the movie it was. King Kong he chose. A surprise this was not. Any movies with monkeys he likes.

Ok the movie was, except three hours long it was. Had been a problem this would not, but a Jumbo Slurp soda from the concession stand I had bought. A long time to hold my bladder that was! When over the movie was, knock over some people I had to so that get to the men's room I could. Then a long line in the restroom, there was. I knew that if to wait I was forced, be able to make it I would not. So the Jedi Mind Trick I used on the men ahead of me. "Need to be here you do not. No shame in wetting your pants there is."

Anyway, after the movie, hungry we were. So to Taco Hut we went. The El Beefo Grande Burrito I had. A mistake that was. Have that kind of food so close to bed time I should not.

A disturbing dream I had. Describe it to you I can not. Only show it to you I can.

[Scroll down you must]

Almost afraid to close my eyes I am now.

___________________________________

By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or this post on this blog, you can.

A Powerful Enemy

2006-01-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

A devastating defeat our clone troops experienced the other day. Unusual for them, this is. Almost always they win. Trained and bred for fighting they are. Very good at their job they are.

The commander of the batallion and some of the others we summoned to the Council Chamber. For this loss they had to answer. A full explanation we expected from them.

"The enemy was just out-classed us, sir! That army was unstoppable! No one can defeat it! They're tough, vicious, and merciless. Those of us who survived are lucky to have gotten out of there alive," the commander said.

"This mighty army that beat you so badly, who is?"

"Uh, well, our intel agents were able to get a picture of them."

[scroll down you must]

"Ewoks?!! Brought down by dancing teddy bears you were?!"

"You don't understand, sir! They had like sticks, and rocks and stuff!"

"Yeah," a second Clone Trooper piped in, "and they don't fight fair, either! Some of them even bite!"

"But body armor and blasters you have."

"It's useless against them, I'm telling you, useless!" Uncontrollably, one of the Troopers began to sob. To comfort him the others started. Hysterical, he became, "I'm not going back there! You can't send us to fight those monsters again! You can't!"

Know what to make of this I do not.

Big Brother: Naboo

2006-01-13T03:50:00.000-05:00

On yet another reality show I am. Suprisingly easy to get on these things it is. Anyway read all about it at the Big Brother Naboo blog, you can.

Here, an excerpt from my first post is:

No wonder, like to talk about that branch of the family Jabba the Hutt does not. But there, standing in his Jabba Skynyrd T-shirt which was seven sizes too small for him he was. [Note to overweight people: If an "outie" belly-button you have, wear tight shirts do not!]

Then, worse it got. Since the last one to arrive I was, stuck rooming with Jabafatboy, I was! Learned more than I want to know about him already, I have. To gargle with baking soda a full-hour before going to sleep he has to. 'Wards off the throat boogers' he says. Be so bad that would not if sang All My Exes Live In Texas over and over again while gargling he is, he did not! And started on the snoring do not get me! Work on a Hutt, those nasal strips do not! Heard quieter leaf blowers, I have.

Read the rest here, you can.

Ask Yoda

2006-01-12T22:49:00.000-05:00

Questions you have. Answers I have.

From Your Comments

Wedge Antilles - Mr. Yoda, if you think Ms. Yaddle is too young at 477, what should we think of your feelings toward Dolly, who has not even over 100?

Answer - 825 years old in dog years, Ms Parton is. So OK with that I am.

RedHeadWithBedHead - What is Chewbaca's favorite food?

Answer - Wet or dry food you speak of? Wet from a can his favorite is, but only eat the Lamb and Rice Mighty Wookie he will. Unfortunately, "The Runs" it gives him. So mostly Wookiee Chow specially formulated for adult Wookiees I feed him. Also partial to Kibble he is.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida - Do you ever wear socks?

Answer - Socks I use to wear. Unfortunately, too busy to keep my toenails clipped, I am. So holes my socks kept getting. Besides, bad for my corns, most socks are. That's why orthopedic sandals I wear now.

From Your Emails

Marc H. writes
"Master Yoda,
If you are almost 900 years old, then how old is your mom?
Your Faithful Padawan
Obi "I Already Won" Kenobi
Keeper of the Peace in Washington NJ"

Padawan Mark,
Know the answer to this, no one does. Never her age she tells. If the question you ask, always "390 and holding" she says. Then smack you with her purse, she will.

If questions for me you have, leave them in the comments to this post or email you can.

By the way, participated in the "Name That Hutt" contest have you? Check it out on Jabafatboy's blog or yesterday's post on this blog, you can.

Deathmatch With Dooku/ Name That Hutt Contest

2006-01-11T00:05:00.000-05:00

Forget to check out the "Name That Hutt" contest at the bottom of this post do not!

Finally, come to this point we had. There we were, me and Dooku, Dooku and me. Ready to fight to the death, we were.

A long time coming this had been. But very busy we are and scheduling conflicts we always have. Besides, even when schedule these fights we do, Dooku always forgets. One of those day-timers I got him, but never he uses it! See how evil he is, do you?

But anyway, where I was? Oh yes, there we were, ready to fight it out, we were. Going to come out of this alive, only one of us would. Two giants in the Force, about to have an epic battle we were. Master against master, Sith against Jedi, Dark Side against... um, whatever the other side of the Force is called.

Force lightning, Dooku threw at me. With my bare hands I blocked it. Back at him I threw it. At the last moment he ducked.

"Now see here, Old Boy!" he said as his hair he straightened up, "I distinctly remember we agreed not to aim at the face! I do have an appearance to keep up, you know."

"Matter your appearance will not, if dead you are!" At that moment, in the air I leaped at him as my lightsaber I ignited.

By igniting his lightsaber, Dooku responed. About to clash blades we were when suddenly, knocked to the ground Dooku was. But knocked him down I had not. Around his neck something was.

"Mommy! Fight my own battles I can! Humiliating this is!"

Beating Dooku with her purse, my mother was. "Going to wave one of those glow thingies at my son, no one is!" Now kicking him, she was.

"So, Yoda, ouch you need your mother to ouch! fight your battles for you, now, hmm?" Dooku said in between blows, "I say, madame, please watch the face, won't you? Ow!"

"Have more than your face to worry about you will if stop messing with my son you do not, Sucker!" Tough, my mom is.

Then, with the Force, against the wall Dooku threw my mom!

"Mommy!" I yelled as over to her I ran. Open her eyes were not! "Mommy, to me speak, please!"

Still quiet she was. Moving she was not! To cry, I started. "No, Mommy, leave me do not! Please!"

But then, her eyes opened and up at me she looked. "Yoda? The matter what is? Crying why are you?"

Her I hugged. "Oh, Mommy! So happy I am that alive you are! OK are you?"

"Yes, Ok I am. Just a little winded I am." Then at me she looked. "Love me, you do, don't you?"

"Yes, Mommy. You I love. Always I will." Then to look at Dooku I turned, "Pay for this, he will!"

But already running to his speeder he was. Too late to get him it was.

Waving her fist at him, my mom started. "Right that is, Sucker! Run! A coward you are! Want any more of this you do not, hmm?"

A few hours later, time for my mother to leave and go back home to her retirement community, it was. To see her off, all the Jedi gathered. Sad to see her go, they were too.

"Bye, Gramma," Harvey the Youngling, one of her 'adopted grandyounglings' said, "You're not going to pinch my cheeks, are you?"

"No, but kiss them I will! Come, give you a kiss goodbye let me!"

"Ewww!" he said, "Icky! I hate kisses!"

The rest of us she hugged, and before it I knew, off she was. Like only a short time she was here, it seemed. Miss her I will. sniff

Ok, if any sweeter this post gets, have to bring out the Olsen twins, we will. And that, no one wants. Hopefully, thrown up yet you have not. So something totally weird, let's do:

*************************************
NAME THAT HUTT CONTEST
brought to you by Jabafatboy and Master Yoda's Blog

A name this Hutt needs. Has one he does not. If a good name you can think of, leave it in the comments to this post, leave it in the comments to a parallel post on Jabafatboy's blog, or email either of us, you can (Found in the right side-bar, my email address is. Found in his Blogger profile, Jabafatboy's is.). If you want, include a personality or background, you can. Required that is not, though.

Out of those submissions, the best name we will choose. The person who first thought of that name, the winner will be. If you that person is, receive an "autographed" picture of Jabafatboy and me as well as a Gmail invitation, you will. One week to do this, you have. Announce the winner in one week we will.

.

Getting Out of Hand This Is

2006-01-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

A special meeting with the Chancellor, the Jedi Council had today. In the Council Chamber discussing very important matters we were. Vital matters about the war we were discussing.

"So, Chancellor, as see you can, move at least three destroyers and five garrisons of clones to the Alderaan system to defend it, we must."

"Yes," Chancellor Palpatine agreed, "I can see why you are so respected as a tactician, Master Yo-"

"Yoo-hoo!" A voice from the door came. Around to look everyone turned.

"Mommy! Just walk in to a Council Meeting you can not! Chancellor, sorry I am. My mother this is. Just leaving she is."

"Oh, nonsense," the Chancellor said, "I would love to meet your mother."

Uh-oh.

"Oh, want to interrupt you boys and your little meeting I do not. Just to give Yoda his sweater I wanted. In his room he left it, but cold it is. I thought that need it he would."

"Mommy! Need my sweater I do not..."

"Argue with me do not! Have you catching cold I will not! Here, this put on."

"But..."

"Now!"

"Oh, ok."

"On your face what is? Wipe that off let me. Here, in this tissue spit."

"Mommy! Embarrassing me you are."

"Do it!"

Hack... ptooee.

Snickering, the other Jedi Masters started.

"So, madame," the Chancellor said, "please, tell us what Master Yoda was like when he was a youngling."

"Pictures I have! Like to see them, would you?"

"Mommy, want to see a bunch of pictures they do not."

"Nonsense!" the Chancellor said, "Of course, we'd love to see some of your mother's charming pictures of you."

Please, shoot me now, somebody must.

Very excited, my mom got. "Here we go. My favorite one this is."

"So cute he was!" she gushed, "Know what happened to him, I do not. See what a cute tushy he had, do you, Chancellor?"

"Mommy!"

"Yes," the Chancellor said, "he was cute indeed. You know, I had the... uh... experience of witnessing your son's 'tushy' just the other day."

Getting more humiliating by the minute, this was. "Uh yes, heh heh, sorry about that I am, Chancellor."

Chuckling now, the other Jedi Masters were. But stop, my mom would not!

"Oh, several other pictures I have. Here, one of him in the bathtub is. Here, running through the house naked he is."

"Mommy! Have any baby pictures of me do you where naked I was not?"

"Oh, naked in all the pictures you are. Like to wear clothes you did not! Always taking them off and running around all over the neighborhood you were!"

To laugh hysterically, this caused the other Jedi Masters. To crawl somewhere and hide I want. Getting out-of-hand this is.

A Visit From Mommy - Part II

2006-01-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

Still visiting here at the Temple, my mom is. Unfortunately, begun spoiling some of the Jedi she has. Very frustrating this is. But she says if give her grandyounglings her 'uncaring son' will not, have to get grandyounglings of her own, she will.

For instance, a whole batch of cookies for Kenobi she had baked.

Drooling all over himself, he was. "Chunky Cheeto Chip! Muh favorite!"

"Mommy!" I protested, "Trying to get him to lose weight, we are! No good for him, those are!"

"Oh, nonsense," she said as off she waved me, "a growing boy he is."

"Thirty-seven years old he is! In the middle, the only growing he does now is!"

Giving money to Young Skywalker, I caught her.

"Here, some fun with your friends have."

"Yo, thanks Mama Y!" Young Skywalker said, "You da bomb!"

"Mommy! Give him money do not!" I said, "Always money he borrows. The money he wastes, and never he gives it back!"

"Be silly do not!" she said, "A fuddy-duddy you are! Young he is. His wild oats he needs to sow."

"Yeah, Yodes," Young Skywalker chimed in, "you a fudd... uh... fud... what she said! Why you gots to be hatin' all the time?"

"Yes," my mom agreed, "Be hating you should not! Hee hee! The way young people talk nowadays! So funny it is!"

"Well I gotta blaze, or else I'll be late for the bus and spit."

"What?" my mom said, "Catch the bus you must not! Do, that will not! A perfectly good airspeeder Yoda has. Take it you must."

"What?!!" To choke on my own spittle I started.

"Yo, you fly, Mama Y!"

"Hee hee! 'Fly' I am. Hee hee!"

Going to go crazy I am.