Master Yoda's Blog

Singing, the Fat Lady Is (My Last Post)

2006-04-20T15:29:00.000-04:00

Attention first-time visitors to my blog: Kind of sappy, this final post it. Perhaps enjoy the posts in the archive or under "Master Yoda's Greatest Hits", you would.

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Today, meditating about Obi-wan's situation I was. Contemplating I was the years that known him I have. When he was a youngling and showed up at the temple, I remember. Like yesterday it was. There he was, in his stained little wrestling costume, his nose picking. Wait, yesterday that was.

Anyway, in my comfy chair I sat, and some of my Dolly Parton CD's I got out. But, all over my CD's, Cheetos smudges were!

"Obi-wan!" I yelled, "In here get!"

Into the living room he came. "Look, if this is about them Dolly Parton CD's, I can explain..."

"Closer, come."

"Now, hold on..."

"Closer! Down here, lean! Now!"

"Oh, alright, just make it quick."

Around him, I put my arms.

"AAAAAAH!" he yelled, "What you doin'?!"

"Hugging you I am."

"Why? Are you dyin'?"

"No."

"Am I dyin'?"

"No, dying no one is. What family does, this is."

Just then, in Windu ran, "What the heck is goin' on in here?"

"Hugging we are."

"Why? Who's dying?"

"Dying, no one is. Come, hug you too, we will."

"Well, in that case, I am all into that!"

Then, in Young Skywalker came. "Yo, who's dyin'?"

"Join us, Young Skywalker. Hugging, we are."

"Ah, no. I ain't doin' that. You geezers is all messed up now, yo."

"Get over here, Anakin," Obi-wan said, "If I gotta do this, so do you!"

So a group hug, we had.

"We ain't goin' to be doin' this real regular, is we?" Obi-wan said.

"No. Just something I needed to do it was." Playfully I smacked him, "Doofus."

Later, meditating I was. A flash forward to the future, I had. Sometimes, the future, the Force can show you. Sometimes, full of crap, the Force is. Understand what I saw, I did not. But somehow, that alright we would be, I knew.

Like to see what I have seen, would you? Then closer you must come.

No, closer you must come.

Closer!

AAAAAAAAH! Too close that is! Trying to give me a heart attack are you?

Much better that is. Now, what I have seen, you will see. The voices I have heard you will hear. The smells I have smelled, you will smell. Not that one, though. The burrito I had for lunch that was. Shh! The future:

"Why do I have to carry you to all of your errands? What's this got to do with becoming a Jedi?"

"Quiet! A long way to the post office, it is. As big a whiner as your old man, you are. The pace pick up, or another 'present' in your designer backpack I will leave!"

Hmm, understand it all, I do not. But, more I see.

"Hmm, more snake stew I have cooked. Disgusting it is. Make Young Skywalker eat it, I will. Fun that will be. Sneak off to the Taco Bell around the corner later, I will. A good thing it is that know about the Taco Bell, he does not."

"Hee hee! Been kissing your sister you have. Hee hee!"

"Shut up! I told you, I didn't know she was my sister!"

"Hee hee! Yes, sure. Messed up, you are. Hee hee hee hee!"

"Hmm, yes. Impressive that is, Young Skywalker. Now, take all of the change that fell out of your pockets, I will. Maybe learn not to fall for this trick next time, you will."

"That boy is our last hope..."

"AAAAAAH! Kenobi! Told you before not to just appear out of nowhere like that, I have! A clean pair of shorts I need now!"

Wait! Even farther I can see...

"A'ight, yo. Who farted?"

"The feller, the smeller is, Young Skywalker."

"I can't believe you guys! Being one with the Force hasn't improved your manners at all!"

"Ha ha! It ain't me, Yo!"

"Lie do not, see through you I can, quite literally! Hee hee!"

"Fuh real, though, I think it was Obs."

"It weren't me. Hey, I recognize that smell."

"Yes, too I recognize it. But impossible that is..."

"Bob? One with the Force you are? What the - ?"

THE END

Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi

2006-04-19T13:55:00.000-04:00

Hey, how youns doin'? Good? Good. Me, I'm not doin' so good. I mean, I feel fine and all. It's just that, well, you read them there last two posts what Yoda wrote.

See, I been doin' fine my whole dad gum ('scuse my language) life just bein' plain dumb. Yeah, people made pretty bad fun of me and all. Like the time Mace and Anakin kept mockin me just because I thought road signs that said "Slow... Children" meant that the younglins that live in that neighborhood cain't move too fast. ...Or the time I thought chocolate milk came from brown cows ...Or 'cause I like to look at the pichers instead of read the words ...Or because I think that there game Chutes and Ladders is too complicated ...Or because I thought that there thing what pops out of your computer for you to put your CD in was a cupholder ...Or because my own monkey keeps beatin me at Checkers... Well, youns get the idea. But I could take it. It weren't no big thing. At least there weren't nobody feelin sorry for me.

Like I said, I was doin just fine bein just plain dumb. But now, them doctors got to give some big fancy name to it: Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. Sure, people quit mockin me now. But now, they all look at me real sad-like, like I'm one of them little kids on those Feed the Younglings commercials. They talk at me real slow, now, like I cain't understand nothin. And they feel like they have to explain everythin to me.

Just this mornin', I was in a Council meetin', and Ol' Mace said, "We'll begin that mission in the Outer Rim next Tuesday," then he turns to me and says, "That's the day after Monday."

I know which day Tuesday is! I know, 'cause that's the day of the week that the Temple Cafeteria serves Meatloaf Surprise. I generally don't go to the cafeteria that day, but that ain't the point. The point is, if this were four or five days ago, Ol' Mace wouldn't a never thought to say that to me, 'cause didn't nobody know I have this here disease. But now, he thinks he's got to treat me all special-like.

Even the Younglins are in on it. Ol' Harvey offered to tie my shoes for me every mornin, in case I couldn't handle it! I mean, come on! I'm a Jedi Master and a member of the Jedi Council, dang it ('scuse my language again)! I done beat a bonafide Sith Lord and done a whole buncha other good stuff that earned me a seat right up there with Yoda, Mace, and all of them. I can tie my own shoes! Most mornins it only takes me two or three tries to get it right, too!

And then Yoda's actin' all weird around me now. He won't let me watch my wrestlin, or Ernest Goes to Camp, or any movie with Ernest in it. He keeps shovin' what he calls 'brain food' down my throat, and don't none of it taste good. I've ate enough pickled womprat livers that I think I'm growin a tail and whiskers. And he's fed me so much raw fish that every time I open my mouth, the cat tries to jump inside. Now, whenever I try to talk to Yoda, he just pats my hand, and looks up at with them big sorrowful eyes. And then, he had to go and throw that big telethon and tell everyone that I got that there Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. So now, everybody in the whole Universe knows it! I swear, I'm gonna go plumb crazy!

Anyways, I didn't mean to complain to all youns. It ain't youns' fault. Yoda'll be back to talk to youns tomorrow, maybe for the last time in a long time. So have a good one.

The Telethon

2006-04-18T22:13:00.000-04:00

As read you have, very bad news about Obi-wan, I received yesterday. It turns out, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder he has. No cure for him there is. Be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life, he will be.

The signs I should have seen earlier. All those times that explain Beetle Bailey to him, I had to - tipped me off, that should have. The fact that trouble he has following the plot in Ernest Goes to Camp, a clue that was. So blind I have been!

Ever since hearing the news, high my blood pressure has been. Been able to eat, I have not been. Slept well I have not. All night researching Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder on the Internet, I have been. Out it turns that this disorder many famous people have:

Do something to raise awareness I had to. So a telethon I held today. To help, many celebrities turned out. Very common in Hollywood, Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder is.

Maybe the telethon you saw? If not, below some highlights are:

Jerry Lewis: Hi folks and welcome to the Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder Telethon. You know, this is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. I know that a lot of you out there who have enjoyed my movies suffer from this horrible disease. In fact, they've done studies on this. And those studies show that most people who think my old movies were funny are either Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered or French, which is almost the same thing.
We have some very special people manning the phones today. Three members of the Jedi Order are with us, Master Yoda, Master Mace Windu, and Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker. Let's listen in.

Master Yoda: No, the fanny pack you get only if 100 credits or more you pledge... Yes, a lot for a fanny pack that is, but... Look! If a good deal on a fanny pack you want, to Wal-Mart you should go! For charity this is! Hmph!

Master Windu: No, I can't make sure they keep Masterpiece Theater on the air. Are you sure you're calling the right place?

Jerry Lewis: Way in the back there is Anakin Skywalker, otherwise known as the Chosen One. He looks like he's working pretty hard, too. Let's say 'Hi'. How are you doing back there, young man?

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, baby, wassup? Ah, you know I miss you, girl! You my fly-girl, you know that!... Yeah, me too... Yo, baby, don't make me say that here! They's people around and spit! You know how I feel, I ain't gotta say it here, do I?... Oh, all right, [mumbling] I love you. There... what you mean you ain't heard me? Again? Ok, I love you... Aw, come on! I said, I LOVE YOU! You happy now?... Aw now, wait, baby. I ain't mean to yell at you like that. You know I ain't mean it that way...

Jerry Lewis: Ahem.

Anakin: [Into phone] Yo, hang on. The geezer's callin' me or sumthin. [To Jerry] Yo, wassup.

Jerry Lewis: It looks like you're working pretty hard back there, young man.

Anakin: Yeah, well, you know. Anything for Obs. He my dawg, yo.

Doing this for Obi-wan, we all were. Still feel like it is enough, I do not.

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Kenobi's Condition

2006-04-17T13:29:00.000-04:00

Walking by the Temple Infirmary I was today. There, Kenobi I saw. An icepack on his head, he had.

"Kenobi," I said, "doing what here, are you?"

"I hit my head."

"He has a minor concussion," the medical droid said.

"Kenobi, been crushing beer cans against your head, have you? Told you how many times have I, that first open the can and empty it before trying to crush it against your head you must?"

To the side, the medical droid took me. "I'm afraid it's more serious than that, Master Yoda. Master Kenobi is showing signs of Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder."

"Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder?! Serious, that sounds! Going to be OK is he?!" Starting to panic, I was.

"The good news is no one has ever died from this disease, at least not directly."

"Mean what, by 'not directly', do you?"

"Well, the disease can cause those who suffer from it to make unwise decisions. For instance, some who have been diagnosed as Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have been known to do things such as buy homes in flood plains, stick forks in toasters, talk on the cell phone while driving, watch Jerry Springer, and sadly, try to crush beer cans against their head while the cans are still unopened and full of beer."

"Well, do what can we? Going to be this way for the rest of his life, is he?"

"We still have to run some tests and rule out other conditions. For instance, we would need to rule out Mentally Oblivious Random Oafishness Neurosis, which can be very similar."

"But going to be alright is he?! Surely, something we can do there must be!"

"Right now, there's no cure for Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disorder. But we can try to treat the symptoms and slow the spread of the disease. Tell me, has he been watching a lot of professional wrestling lately?"

"Yes, all the time he watches that."

"Hmm. Well, he'll have to stop that immediately. Studies have conclusively shown that every time someone watches professional wrestling, that person becomes a little more Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered."

"Very difficult that will be for him."

"I'm afraid he'll have no choice. Here's a list of other programming he'll have to abstain from. As you can see, most of it is either on UPN or stars the Olsen twins."

"Yes, very useful this will be."

"Still, he will probably be Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered for the rest of his life. The upside is that most people who are Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered have no idea exactly how Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered they really are, or even that they're Severely Traumatic Underdeveloped Primary Intelligence Disordered in the first place."

Completely unaware of this disease before, I was. Research it I must, so that help Kenobi I can. Aware of this affliction, more people should be!

*** By the way, late I am, but like to congratulate Captain Picard on his 200th post, I would. Check his blog out, you must!

**** In case read it you have not, an important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog.

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Youngling Parties

2006-04-15T19:38:00.000-04:00

A party for one of the classes of the Younglings I had to throw today. A deal I had made with them. If able to produce 4000 T-shirts for my T-shirt store in one week, they were, then throw a pizza and ice cream party for them I would. The promise I made because I thought that make that many T-shirts, they never could. But try anyway they would. So increased productivity I would get and have to do anything extra I would not! Brilliant it was!

But, dangle the promise of pizza and ice cream in front of Harvey, you never should. Ruled by his stomach, that boy is. Day and night he worked. And the other Younglings in his class he convinced to work day and night too. So, 4001 T-shirts they made one week last month. Ever sell that many shirts I will not! So all these extra shirts I had, plus throw a stupid party, I had to!

What's worse, Wonder Wookiee they wanted at their party too. Going to spend money on somebody in a costume, I was not! So Chewbacca I made dress up as Wonder Wookiee. But want to put the costume on he did not. A big fuss he made.

"Muaarrr!!!"

"Put it on you will! Be such a baby do not!"

"Wuaaarrrr!!!"

"Feel silly in it, why should you? See you only Younglings will!"

"Rrrrrrooooorrrrrr?"

"No, make your hips look big it does not. Now, on put it, or Wookiee Biscuits you will get!"

"Wrrrarrrrrr!!!"

"Of course, put a picture of you in that costume on my blog, I will not!":

Like all Youngling parties, quickly into chaos this one descended. At first, playing Pin the Tail on the Womprat they were. But soon into Pin the Tail on the Windu it turned. Like that, Windu did not. Embarrassing for a Jedi Master, being chased down the hall by 20 younglings, it is. Make it any better, Windu screaming like a little girl, he was. So humiliating for him. (Hee hee!)

Then, when tired of trying to whack the piñata they were, Kenobi they strung up and whacking him they started. I guess tried to do something at this point, I could have. Hmm, yes.

But soon, so out of control it got, that even stop it I could not. At some point after the third food fight, and the 23rd chorus of "Eat It or Wear It", a good idea, one of the Younglings thought raiding Young Skywalker's underwear drawer would be. Before it I knew, his Spider-Man Underoos they were wearing on their heads and scenes from Lord of the Flies they were re-enacting.

An end to this I had to bring, so the pressure-washer I got out. All of the little monsters I sprayed. The chaos this broke up. Tomorrow, deal with scrubbing the pepperonis off of the ceiling they will have to.

****
An important announcement about Master Yoda's Blog, my Stupid Intern has posted on his blog. Read it you must.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-04-14T17:53:00.000-04:00

The last "Previously on Master Yoda's Blog" post this will be. Happy now, are you? Hmph!

Links to each individual post, each individual caption is. Read all of these posts here, you can.

Suspicious this pizza delivery boy looked.

One of the many humiliating experiences I have had, this was.

A waste of time, this support group is!

Harvey's one and only guest post, this was.

My vacation home, the people from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition tried to renovate.
Part 1 Part 2

About Windu's experiences in the Ice Capades, this was.

From before Windu 'lost his groove', this was.

Coming in the future this is! Ready are you?

Like bobbing for water, this was.

Drunken Wookiee

2006-04-13T18:46:00.000-04:00

Another drunk call from Chewbacca I got last night. Stop doing this, he must! My sleep I need. Besides, nothing more pathetic than a drunk Wookie, there is.

"Wuarrrrr."

"Yes, Chewbacca, 'love you, man' I do too. But 2 am it is..."

"Wuarrrrr. Wrrrrrrr. Muaaarrrrrr."

"No, know why Senator Amidala doesn't like you 'that way', I do not."

"Mrawrrrrr."

"Oh, the 'friends just let us be' speech she gave you when out you asked her."

"Wooaaarrrr."

"Then the 'you it is not me it is' speech she gave. Well, I..."

"Wuaaarrrrr?"

"Yes, good-looking you are. Sure I am that the reason that is not."

"Muaarrrrroooorrrrarrrr."

"No, be silly do not. Getting fat you are not."

"Muaarrrrrarrrr."

"Yes, sure I am that out there, Ms. Right is."

"Rrrruuuurrrroooo!"

"No! A good idea to call her at this time it would not be. Late it is and drunk you are."

"Woarrrrr!"

"Yes, drunk you are. Hear it I can. Slurring your words, you are."

"Mrrruaaarrrrrr!"

"OK, just mean that is. Like you when you are this way, I do not. Going to hang up I am."

"Wurrrrrarrrr!"

"Well OK, since sorry you are..."

"Mwarrrr?"

"Yes, how much our friendship means to you I know. No... cry do not. Chewbacca, please, crying stop."

Wrong I was when I said that nothing more pathetic that a drunk Wookiee there is. Much more pathetic, a crying drunk Wookiee is. Get caller ID I really, really must.

Yacking With Yoda

2006-04-12T23:26:00.000-04:00

Much earlier my Stupid Intern should have posted this. But some lame excuse for not doing it, he had. A doctor's appointment, or a family member's wedding or funeral or something he had. Something like that it was. Whatever, care I do not. Do that sort of thing on his own time, he must! Unfortunately, since for free he works, dock his pay I can not. Have to feed him less, I will. Anyway, here the post is:

Still doing that stupid call-in radio show the Chancellor made me sign up for, I am. Getting any better it is not! Calling in, more losers than ever are. The stupidest job I have ever had, this is.

Caller: Yeah, so I was wondering if you know what I should about this rash I have. It's on my...

*click*

Me: Next caller.

Producer: Hey! I told you before, you can't just be rude and hang up on a caller because you don't want to hear about their problem!

Me: What other reason for rudely hanging up on a caller would their be?

Producer: Just take the next call.

Me: Hello, Lulu from Tatooine, on the air you are. Lulu? Lulu? There are you?

Producer: For the thousandth time, you have to push the flashing button!

Me: Pushing the button I am!

Producer: That's not the button, that's the light switch on the wall!

Me: Wondering why flickering the lights in here were, I was. Lulu, on the air you are.

Caller #2: Hello? Am I on?

Me: Yes, on the air you are. Your problem, what is?

Caller #2: Well, my old man keeps trading our food stamps for chewing tobacco, see...

Me: Well, a big problem that is, yes.

Caller #2: Nah, that ain't the problem. I ain't got to it, yet. See, I like the Beechnut brand, but he keeps gettin' Skoal. The way I figure, them food stamps is really mine, since the Government sends 'em to me on account of I got eight kids, most of which ain't his. So I'm thinking I should get the say over which brand of chaw we get. What do you think?

Me: Kill me now, someone must.

Caller #2: Huh?

Me: Lulu, matter it does not.

Caller #2: How come?

Me: Because gone, all of your teeth will soon be.

Caller #2: 'Cause I chew tobacco?

Me: Yes, mostly. Also at blame, inbreeding is. Anyway, dentures you will have and be able to chew tobacco you will not. So matter this argument will not.

Caller #2: Ok, but I also got this other problem...

Me: Care I do not. For calling thank you. Goodbye.

*click*

Me: All the time we have for Yacking With Yoda we have that is...

Producer: We still have 20 minutes!

Me: ...so enjoy these fine commercials for the next 20 minutes you will. In the mean time, like to leave you with this final word of advice for tonight, I would: "Just because important to you, your problem is, mean that does not that stupid it is not." A good night have.

Words to live by, those are.

Prophecy About the Chosen One

2006-04-11T12:40:00.000-04:00

Examining the Jedi Code for prophecies about the Chosen One, I was today. This passage I found:

Jediviticus 18:1-19 -
"And in those days, there shall arriveth a Chosen One. Balance to the Force that one will bringeth forth. And much annoyance he shall causeth everyone, for he will whineth in abundance to any unfortunate soul who happeneth to be near.

And he shall practiceth every manner of Wiggery. Though rhythm he will lacketh, he shall rappeth as if talent he possesseth. Speaketh in the manner of a Snoopish Dog he will tryeth, but only in sounding like one of the senseless ones, will he succeedeth.

Yea, to his master he will not listeneth, nor to his tailor will he give heed. For he shall dresseth in only black garments, just as a nerd who attendeth a Goth convention would attireth himself.

And a noble one he shall marryeth, though maketh any sense that union will not. As a small boy he will meeteth her, and as one in her teenage years, she will be. Yet, when they hath groweth up and marryeth, somehow around the same age they will looketh.

And his master will be as one who loveth cheese-flavored snacks. Yea, the cheese-flavored snacks that cruncheth as one eateth them he will pineth for, and the cheese-flavored snacks that puffeth, and the cheese-flavored snacks that twisteth. For all the cheese-flavored snacks he will pineth, the way a gluttonous pig pineth for slop. As a foolish one covered in orange dust, will the master of the Chosen One be.

And in those days when the Chosen One arriveth, plot holes shall be abundant. Many will cryeth out, "Oh, how my soul longeth for the days of A New Hope, when the Empire Shall Striketh Back, and the Jedi Shall Returneth!" Yea, for in those days, a Phantom Menace there will be, Clones Will Attacketh, and Revenge the Sith Will Haveth. But mightily it will sucketh. And the Chosen One shall be called upon to acteth at that time. But like wood, his performance will be. Like one who doth not possesseth talent, his acting will be, but on poor dialogue and bad direction most will blameth it."

Have to be so vague, why do these verses? Apply to anyone, that can! Keep researching I must.

**** His 100th post, JawaJuice just posted! Fully illustrated his latest post is! Check it out you should.

The Missing Post

2006-04-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

Missing, this post was. Looking all over the Temple for it, I was. All of the Jedi I had search for it. A regiment of Clone Troopers we called in to look for it.

"Maybe if you told us what this post looks like, General," one of the Clone Troopers said.

"Know it, when you see it, you will," I said, "Grey with white letters on the front, it is. Probably a lame, irrelevant Adsense ad it will have on it."

Everything in the Temple we turned over. The Clonetroopers I had stop and search passing air speeders. Strip searches performed on some of the Jedi, I had the Clonetroopers perform. The rubber glove they used. Do that "procedure" to Bob the Bantha to, I made them. Afraid I was that eaten it, I may have.

Finally, in the sofa cushions we found this post. So here the post is. But the only thing we found in the cushions, that was not. Other things we found: several stray credits (mine they are now), a sticky half-full Ben & Jerry's ice cream carton (know who could have left that there, I do not), 14 of Young Skywalker's hair brushes, and the cat.

"There she is!" Harvey said, "That's where I hid Fluffy! I forgot!"

Want to know I do not.

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Ask Yoda

2006-04-09T13:20:00.000-04:00

So very fortunate you are. About to share some more of my immense wisdom with you, I am. Ready are you? Perhaps a tight hat you should put on your head so that explode your brain does not.

... Ok it is. Wait for you to get your hat I will.

... Ok, ready is everyone? Then here, answers to some of your questions are:

From Your Emails...

Brownidlaxlover asks -
"We have a star wars club my friends and I do and I wouldn like to get your opinion :
Do you think one of us will go bad like Anakin did in Episode 3 revenge of the Sith?"

Answer -
Know what this "star wars" or "Episode 3" is, I do not. But go bad you and your friends will not as long as in the refrigerator with your lids screwed tight, you stay. Also, make sure to check your expiration dates, you must.

mtusken asks -
"hi im a relly big fan what spices are you? im humam is it ok to talk like you like this i mean chosen one you are well do you know padme tell her to wite bake you to ok"

Answer -
Sure what language you are using, I am not. But try to answer some of your questions, I will.
Q: 'what spices are you?' A: Made up mostly of Oregano, Thyme, and Sage I am. ... And some Cayenne for zest.
Q: 'do you know padme tell her to wite bake you to ok' A: Yes, Senator Amidala I know, but painful, this 'wite baking' sounds. Want her to do that to me, I would not! However, tell her you said 'Hi' I will.

j b asks -
"Hello, I have a new undrilled 10# bowling ball and bag. Do you have any idea what it is worth?"

Answer -
On what planet you are on, it depends. For instance, the main form of currency on Planet Caucasia, bowling balls are. Because very big pockets they have, this is. Especially valuable to middle-aged married Caucasian males, bowling balls are.

Dorothy K asks -
"Did you marry Yaddle?"

Answer -
A complete lie, that article in the National Inquisitor was! No secret wedding there was. And if getting married I was, have MC Hammer officiate, I would not! And even met Sean Penn I have not, so why make him my best friend, would I? But thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify this, I must, Dorothy.

MeDrewNotYou asks -
"The force can help with colds, right?"

Answer -
Yes, take TheraForce for that cold, you should. TheraForce for Day in the morning and TheraForce for Nights when about to go to sleep you are. After taking either one, attempt to drive or operate heavy machinery you should not.

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My Show Business Background

2006-04-08T12:35:00.000-04:00

Tired of Windu talking about the "Glory Days" I am. A background in show business he has, he keeps saying. But "show business", the Ice Capades are not!

Normally, like to talk about certain parts of my past I do not. But to shut Windu up somehow I had to. So in my old pictures I dug around and this I showed him:

[Scroll down you must]

The one in the middle, I am. (Hard to tell us apart here, it is.) Brag now, who can? Hmm?

Stay with this band, ZZ Top, I did not. Too jealous of me, the other guys were. Fronting the band I was, so more attention I got. Interested only in me, even the groupies were. So out of the band they kicked me. A big mistake for them, that was. Huge, they could have been if me they had kept.

About starting a solo career I thought. But getting tired of all of the fast cars, fame, and women, I was. Sure I am that relate you can.

.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-04-07T15:40:00.000-04:00

Perhaps too many of these 'Previously' posts, I have posted. Hmm, yes. Well, get ready for another one you must.

Previously on Master Yoda's Blog...

[Links to each individual post, the captions are. Also found here, all of the posts mentioned below can be.]

Desperate we were. This man's services we needed.
Part 1 Part 2

A bad influence on Young Skywalker, this Hutt is.

From himself, Windu needs saving.

The perfect disguise this was. No way there is that recognize me, anyone could.

A little creepy, Kenobi's devotion to this Jessica person is.

All the wrong places, my hair grows.

Ah, the minds of younglings! So annoying they can be.

**** By the way, picked soon, a winner on Big Brother Naboo will be!

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The Jedi Code

2006-04-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

To stop me from administering Force-wedgies, the Council tried yesterday. That it is against the Jedi Code, they claimed. (I think maybe from here they got that idea.) But, better than any of those doofuses, I know the Jedi Code. Read it cover to cover many times I have. So, this verse I showed them:

Jedi Code, Book of Geonosis, Chapter 23, Verse 57 -
(Translated from the ancient text)
"And in the case of a soul who practiceth doofustry, thou shalt hiketh up his inner garment in a painful manner. Yea, with the Force, thou must hiketh up his inner garment so that it buncheth up where the sun shineth not. And thou must not feeleth sorry for a soul, in the case of a soul who practiceth doofustry."

"Now, hold on a minute," Kenobi said, "Is that the Emperor James translation? 'Cause I don't believe no other translation."

"Of course, the Emperor James translation it is, Kenobi. The kind of question a doofus would ask, that is. Unfortunately, in accordance with this verse, a Force-wedgie I must give you now."

Quote the Jedi Code often, I must. Use it to help break Kenobi from running inside the Temple with his lightsaber, I had to.

This passage I showed him:

1 Ithorians 16:11, 12 -
"Thou shalt not runneth with thy lightsaber the way a hyperactive child runneth with scissors. Any soul who runneth with his lightsaber shall be branded a doofus and cast out from the Order for 40 days and 40 nights. And he must weareth a chicken costume those 40 days and 40 nights. And he must call out in a loud voice, "Stay away! I am a doofus who knoweth not how to acteth around a lightsaber! Shun me, for I hath runneth with my lightsaber like a senseless baboon."

So, forced to make Kenobi do this, I was:

Do what, could I? In the Jedi Code, it is! But one day, this verse Windu showed me:

Droideronomy 26:7 -
"Thou shalt not stuffeth ice cream in thy face every night while thou sitteth on thy couch. Thou must not piggeth out on the unnatural mixing of that which is Ben and that which Jerry. Thou must not partaketh of both that which is Chunky and that which is Munkey. Thou shalt not gorgeth thyself like a shameless pig."

But a metaphor that is supposed to be. Believe in such a literal interpretation of the Jedi Code I do not. How to interpret the Jedi Code, you have to know.

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Guest Poster - Obi-wan Kenobi [Topic: My Big Ol' Heart]

2006-04-05T13:28:00.000-04:00

I don't like to talk about my feelins much. I mean that's perty much Ol' Mace's deal, him bein' a girlie-man and whatnot. And I ain't no girlie-man. I don't care about that there skin foilage or nuthin. Won't catch me spendin no three hours in front of no mirror. But sometimes even a real man like me just feels somethin so big that it's like his heart is gonna plum explode, lessin he talks about it. I feel that right now, so I gotta talk about it. So here goes.

Ain't the human heart sumthin'? Here, I gotta tell ya, I thought I had just one true love. Oh, she was beautiful. She was so comfortin'. She would just ease my pain any time she could. And she was always there for me. There were times when I would just hold her all night long.

Would you like to see a picher of my one true love? Well, scroll on down, then.

Ain't she beautiful? I love her so much. She's done so much for me. And for the longest time, I thought I couldn't love no one else. But then, I saw her:

One bite, and I had fell in love all over again. Sure, she wasn't exactly like my first love. She was all puffy sometimes. But I didn't mind. She was beautiful to me.

But still, it felt like I was cheatin' on my first love. I mean how could I love both Crunchy and Puffy? I used to stay up nights tryin to think this here thing over in my head. But then, it hit me - Why cain't I love them both? Just 'cause I loved Puffy now didn't mean I stopped lovin' Crunchy. In fact, I think I loved Crunchy now more than ever.

That's what I'm talkin' about when I say the human heart is really sumthin'. It's big enough to have enough space for two true loves, and maybe even one of them there big tool boxes, some fishin' rods, and a gun rack. And that's a real good thing to know, too. 'Cause I just discovered her:

I gotta tell ya, I think I'm fallin for Twisty, too! Now, I know this might not seem right to a lot of youns. In fact, Crunchy, Puffy, Twisty, and me might have to move to that there planet Utah just so's people could accept us. But I'll do whatever it takes. 'Cause I'm in love, times three.

By the way, Yoda'll be back to talk to youn's tomorrow. So have a good 'un.

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Lightsaber Madness

2006-04-04T14:10:00.000-04:00

So angry I am. A new lightsaber I needed because broken my old one was. But want a standard lightsaber I did not. One of those special lightsabers that can rotate in the middle of the handle I wanted. Called a "swinging" lightsaber it is. So a swinging lightsaber I ordered. But a singing lightsaber they sent me!

More annoying than one of those singing fish on a plaque, it is! It's choice of songs, the most annoying thing about it is. Mostly show tunes and Barry Manilow songs it sings! A few other songs it knows, but no better they are. Command how much respect from a Sith Lord can you when in the middle of a battle "Feelings" your lightsaber starts singing?!

Going to send it back and get a new one was, but suddenly had to go to Dantooine I had to. Launching a major invasion there, the Separatists forces were. So to Dantooine I got. Ready to throw down, I was. Going to kick major Separatist butt, I was. Into the Separatist camp with my clone troops I went. Suddenly, confronted by Dooku I was! Now my chance was! Finally able to smite down Dooku, I would be. There too, General Grievous was! Now able to kill two doofuses with one stone, I would be!

But first, going to settle things man-to-doofus, Dooku and I were. Ready for a lightsaber duel, we got. Around us to watch, all the troops and droids gathered. His lightsaber, Dooku drew. My lightsaber I drew. On I turned it. At me he charged. My lightsaber I swung, and then...

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today!..."

To the ground laughing, Dooku fell. Then laughing, Grievous started. Even laughing at me, their droids were! Laughing behind me I heard. Around to look at the clone troopers I looked. Quiet they were, but holding their hands over their mouths, they were. Then suddenly, laughing again they bursted out.

Leave in disgrace I had to. So humiliating that was! I think deliver my lightsaber back to the manufacturer in person I will. Demonstrate how it works on their heads, I might! Hmph!

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Sniff

2006-04-03T12:40:00.000-04:00

My bedroom window I left open last night. Now making that annoying whistling noise my nose is. Stop it I can not. Tried I have. Blown my nose until dizzy I became, I have. I think parts of my brain I may have blown out. Sticking cotton up my nose I tried. But then breathe I could not. So stuffy I am. Those nasal sprays I tried. A whole spray-bottle I emptied. Very high, it made me. Having psychodelic hallucinations, I was. Many pretty colors I saw, but still whistling my nose was.

Hard to command respect it is, when whistling your nose is. Stop laughing at me the Younglings would not when trying to instruct them today I was. OK that is, though. Yard work I am having them do until the urge to laugh they no longer have. No better in today's Council meeting, it was. Giggling like a bunch of little girls those guys were whenever speak I would try. Doofuses!

Even check the mail I can not. While at the mailbox I was, walking by a young Twi'lek female I was. The noise my nose made. My face she slapped. "Pig!" she shouted, "Men! They're all the same!"

To go back into the Temple I turned, when all the Wookiees in the neighborhood running towards me I noticed! The whistling noise they must have heard! Run fast enough to make it back to the Temple in time I could not! Twenty Wookiees jumping on me and trying to like me at the same time there were!

Either clear my sinuses soon, or go into hiding I must.

Walking With Windu

2006-04-02T14:19:00.000-04:00

After me to start exercising, Windu has been. Very concerned about my heath he is. To do things that are good for me, he keeps trying to convince me. In other words, very annoying he is!

"Yoda," he says, "you need to get out and get that little heart pumping! I mean, pumping hard, man! Your heart is crying out to be pumped! But you're strangling it with your Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky, your Double McGreasy Burgers from Mc Burgerland, your El Blubber Grande Burritos from Taco Hutt, your Extra Lardy Fried Chicken from Kamino Fried Chicken, your..."

"Alright! The point I get!"

"And your lungs! Don't you want your lungs to be all pink and pretty? You've got to exercise them, man! You've got to give yourselves some pretty lungs! Pretty lungs are important! My lungs - they're pretty, man! That's because I get out and exercise! I get my heart pumping, my lungs pumping, my bladder pumping..."

"Your bladder pumping did you say?"

"I drink a lot of water, too. But forget that! The point is my insides are almost as pretty as my outsides, man! And I want your insides to be pretty, too! So tomorrow, you and I are going to go walking!"

"OK, good that sounds I guess."

"Really?" Very excited to hear me say that, he was.

"Yes, tomorrow go walking with you I will." Want to go walking, I did not. But I thought that maybe shut him up, it would. Stand to hear him go on and on I can not.

So early this morning, Windu I met near the front door. Very perky he was. "Mmm, boy! Just look at what a beautiful day it is, yes sir! I can't wait to go out and conquer it with sheer Winduness! That's right!"

"Had your coffee already, you must have."

"I don't need coffee, man! I am high on life! I don't need to be caffinated, sugared, and milked! I am Mace Windu! I am excited just to be me!"

Already hating him, I was. "Wearing what, are you?"

Wearing bicycle pants and a matching spandex top, he was. Like an idiot, he looked. "This is a fitness suit, man! Are you so unfamiliar with exercise that you don't know a fitness suit when you see it?"

"But just going walking we are."

"You wouldn't understand this, but it is important to be stylin' no matter what you're doing!"

"And the bicycle helmet? Wearing that, why are you?"

"With a pretty head like mine, you've got to protect it all times!"

"Again, just going walking we are."

"I can't take any chances, man! My cranium is too beautiful to risk it!"

Then, stretches and jumping jacks he started doing. "Warming up" he called it.

"But just going walking we are!"

"Exactly! I wouldn't want to pull something!"

"You know, need to do this, I do not. Very fit I am. In excellent shape I am."

"We'll see about that," he said.

Finally, walking we started. After a while, my heart I started to feel pumping. Pumping very hard it was. A lot I was sweating. Drenched, my clothes were. Having trouble breathing I was. Very tired, my legs were getting. About to give out on me they were, it felt like! "Windu," I said, "head back now we must. Go any farther, I can not."

"But we're not even to the end of the driveway, yet!"

"Yes, well work up to that, I will have to. Push it on my first time out, I should not."

When back into the house I got, that I needed to re-hydrate myself, I realized. Very important to keep hydrated, it is. So to the fridge I went and a beer I took out. Very conscious of my health, I am.

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Top 10 Worst Things About Being One of Padmé Amidala's Handmaidens

2006-04-01T19:26:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago in this post, a list of drawbacks to being one of Senator Amidala's Handmaidens, Lt. Cmdr Oneida wrote.

Because very original my Stupid Intern is not, his own list he wrote. So, for your enjoyment, my Stupid Intern's...

Top 10 Worst Things About Being One of Padmé Amidala's Handmaidens

10. The confusion that results from more than one handmaiden using the mirror at the same time.

9. All the cool names that end in "é" are already taken.

8. All of the dirty old Japanese businessmen who try to ask you out.

7. Constantly being confused for a street mime.

6. In full face make-up, you are just one fuzzy red nose away from working in a circus.

5. Your boyfriend keeps using the excuse, "But I thought she was you!"

4. Having to sit in for Amidala every year at the "Sink the Senator" dunk tank at the county fair.

3. You suddenly become Padmé's "food taster" every time the milk in the fridge has lasted past it's expiration date.

2. You tell another handmaiden a secret, followed by "Whatever you do, don't tell Sabé," then realize you had been talking to Sabé the whole time.

1. That creepy Skywalker kid keeps referring to you as part of his "harem".

Think of any more, can you?

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Previously On Master Yoda's Blog...

2006-03-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

Like to take a walk down Memory Lane with me would you? Well, too bad that is! Going to anyway, you are! Hmph!

(A link to each individual post, each captions is. For easy reference, find all of these posts here you can.)

The answers to my prayers it is! Or is it?

Taken at a Wookiee concert, this was. Know how they applaud, do you? Shock you, the answer may.

Very angry I was when out of my meditation I awoke, and like this I found myself.

Other events like this, I remember...

Stupid eye exam tests at the DMV!

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Fishing With Kenobi

2006-03-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

Fishing with Kenobi on Naboo, I went today. One of the few things I can stand to do with him, it is. Still, keep from being a doofus, he could not.

"Kenobi, have to use your beard to hold your flies and lures, do you? For that, a tackle box is!"

"I can get to 'em quicker this way."

"Kenobi, a beer out of the cooler get me."

"We're out. There ain't none left."

"What?! In the boat we just got! Had a beer yet, I have not! A whole case there was!"

"Yeah, there was just that one case. So there weren't hardly enough to get me through the trip up here. Guess that'll learn ya to bring more beer next time, huh? By the way, I gotta pee real bad for some reason."

Getting on my nerves more and more as the day went on, he was.

"Kenobi!" at him I yelled, "Lick your fingers after baiting your hook, do not! Making me sick, you are!"

"You gotta take the fun outta everything!"

For a long time, biting nothing was. Getting frustrated I was. Finally, a jerk on the line I felt! A big walleye bass it was! Putting up a big fight it was. To struggle with it for half an hour I had to! Finally, in I brought it.

Huge it was! Sure I was that a record I set! But a catch and release policy Naboo has, so to throw it back I would have. The only proof, a picture would be.

"Quick, Kenobi! A picture take!" I yelled.

The camera he got out and this picture he took:

[Scroll down you must]

That doofus! Even take a simple picture he can not! Believe me now, no one will! Some quality time with the pressure washer he and I will spend tomorrow.

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Eye-Sore In the Parking Garage

2006-03-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

Sick of seeing that air speeder of Kenobi's every time I go to the Jedi Temple parking garage, I am. An old, beat up Traan-Zam speeder, it is. Run, it does not. Up on blocks it is. A real eye sore it is!

Body parts from other speeders from the salvage yard it has. Even some parts from a Kom-Arrow speeder, it has. A different color from the rest of the body, the driver's side door is. And a different color from that door and the rest of the body, the hood is. A bunch of rusty holes filled with Bond-O it has. Patched with duct tape, the seats are.

Force Kenobi to haul it off I would, but the only thing covering the oil slick beneath it, it is. Make enough Bantha litter to soak up that much oil, they do not.

Still, complain to Kenobi I must. "Kenobi! Do something about that junk speeder, when are you?"

"That ain't no junk speeder! That there Traan-Zam is a classic!"

"My eyes it hurts to look at it!"

"I told you, I'm fixin' it up!"

"Been 'fixing it up' for five years now, you have! Take how many more years of fixing will it, before run it can?"

"These things take time! You can't just restore a classic overnight!"

"Evidently, you can not!"

Interested in buying an old, beat-up "classic" speeder are any of you? I think put it on eBay, I will.

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