Thursday, November 03, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Million Pretty Man March]

I am mad at you people. I am mad, hurt, upset, mortified, and transmogrified. I have been ignored, betrayed, put upon, spat upon, and sat upon. You don't know what I'm talking about do you? You know, that just makes it hurt even more.

Here's the deal. I have been planning this Million Pretty Man March on Coruscant for an entire year. Don't tell me you didn't hear about it. I sent each of you twenty different fliers. I know you had to get at least one. But if you want to make me jump through hoops for you, that's OK. I'll tell you what this event was going to be about.

It was going to be glorious. Picture it - a million or more men who aren't afraid to proclaim their own prettiness in one unified voice to the entire galaxy converging on the Senate Lawn in a show of transendantly beautiful solidarity. There were going to be speeches - that's right, we were going to speechify upon our prettiness. I made up signs and everything. There were going to be balloons and streamers and confetti. It was going to be the one event that would bring the important issues of skin care and head shininess to people's attention. Just think of all those shiny heads glistening at once! How could the world ignore that?

But a million men didn't show up. You know how many people showed up? Three. And that's counting me and the elderly couple who had come just to feed the squirrels. But they had the decency to listen to my speeches, or at least the first three speeches. They ran out of peanuts after that.

But even though you don't deserve it, I'm going to bestow upon you the privelege of reading my keynote address. That's right, here are my speech notes from the main speech of the day, delivered by the keynote speaker of the event - me.

Million Pretty Man March
Keynote Address

I Am A Man
by Mace Windu

As the Sun rises on a new day
and shines upon my beautiful scalp,
exposing my prettiness to the world once more,
I face the day.
I face the Sun.
And I say to both
"I Am A Man"

[Pause for thunderous applause.]

[This might take a few minutes.]

[Continue once the applause has died down to a mild roar.]

I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see a sea of prettiness.
I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see an ocean of head-shininess.
I look upon you, my beautiful brothers
and I see an army of manly men,
manly men who aren't afraid of their own prettiness.
I look upon you, my beautified brethern,
and I see my pretty comrades,
my pretty comrades who aren't afraid to say with me,
I Am A Man.

[Don't forget to wait for applause.]

For many of us, we may be prettier
than our wives or girlfriends.
We know that is not to be feared.
Co-workers and classmates
may be threatened by our beauty.
We are not deterred.
Other men, in their jealousy
may mock or ridicule us.
We are not afraid.
We do not shy away from our prettiness
because of such transitory considerations.
We do not shy away from our prettiness
because we are strong -
strong in our prettiness.
Our prettiness is our strength.
Our strength is our prettiness.
And when some may try
to deny us our right to our own prettiness,
we face them.
We stand strong against those
who oppose our prettiness.
And with one voice we tell them,
"You shall not deny me my prettiness.
You shall not deny me my beauty.
You shall not deny me the fruitage of my skin regimen.
No, not now, not tomorrow,
not next week, not next month,
not next year,
not any time, because
I Am A Man."
And a pretty one, at that.

[If the crowd applauds for longer than 20 minutes, signal for them to quiet down so that the next speaker can be introduced.]

I hope you people see what you missed! I spoke for eight hours delivering speeches much like that, and you missed it. I thought you would join me in my pretty man revolution. But I guess not.

Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow. Personally, I don't see why he bothers.

Comments on "Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Million Pretty Man March]"


Blogger General Grievous said ... (11:48 PM) : 

Note to self: Stay away from Windu


Blogger jedisiri said ... (5:30 AM) : 

attention! pretty man is coming!


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (6:42 AM) : 

Yeah, I never got a flyer.


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (7:07 AM) : 

It's a very nice speech, tho'


Anonymous Patmatt said ... (9:12 AM) : 

mace, don't let the ugly man keep you down


Anonymous redheadwithbedhead said ... (10:21 AM) : 

I was out of town.
Don't blame me.


Blogger JawaJuice said ... (10:28 AM) : 

Hey, I tried to come but they thought I was the podium.


Anonymous friendsofolfluke said ... (10:31 AM) : 

Ooo! You’re head is so shiny! It’s like a chestnut brown blast helmet. All you need is some spiffy goggles and you could be a great leader in F.O.O.F.
You’re brilliantly reflecting head can be a beacon for all F.O.O.F.dom!


Anonymous wedge antilies said ... (10:52 AM) : 

Mr. Windu, you are SUCH a funny guy! I know that this prettiness is a ruse and you keep your head shiney so that it reflects the glow of your lightsaber. I am totally amused and impressed that you can keep up this facade for so long. (There is none so blind as he who will not see.)


Blogger Korkuss said ... (11:59 AM) : 

Now, that's what I call a disturbance in the force...


Blogger Obi-Wan Kenobi said ... (4:31 PM) : 

Hey! That's discriminatin' gainst men with mullets!


Blogger Mace Windu said ... (6:47 PM) : 


Man, you don't need to be bald to be pretty (even though it helps).

Prettiness is a state of being, man.

You would need to wash the Cheeto stains off of your face, though.


Blogger Dormé said ... (11:35 PM) : 

Master Windo, I'm sorry butI didn't recieve a flier.


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