Most of you people know me as one bad, mammer-jammer Jedi. But because you're not educated, you may not know that I am also a successful inspirational speaker and author. (I also had a brief career with the Ice Capades, but that's another post.)
Maybe you've read my books:
I'm Pretty, You're Pretty
Shine That Bald Head!
How to Win Friends and Intimidate People With Your Purple Lightsaber
Mace Windu: The Life and Times of One Good-Looking Jedi (an autobiography)
That last one is an autobiography, just like it says. But don't worry, it has nothing to do with cars. You'll laugh, you'll cry, mostly cry. I mean cry a lot. I mean it, man. Have like a case of Kleenex nearby when you read it. But that's alright, because crying isn't just for little girls and guys who are interior decorators, no matter what Obi-wan says.
Anyway, each book is about 1200 pages of life-enriching reading! I'm telling you, man, they will change your life! I mean, forget that Dr. Phil! What did he ever do for you? He never says anything about head-shining, skin moisturizing, feeling pretty, or anything like that. How's he supposed to help anyone that way?
Here's an excerpt from I'm Pretty, You're Pretty from the chapter "Be a Pretty Man":
"Do you have the strength to wake up every morning and say to yourself, 'I'm a pretty man?'. If not, is it because you're afraid to acknowledge your own prettiness? Cast off your inhibitions and embrace your prettiness!
...Often, I'll wake up on a sunny day to the sound of birds singing and the smell of wild flowers blooming. On those days, I'll open the window and yell, 'What a pretty day! But not as pretty as me!'
What does it take for you to do that? First, you've got to find your inner prettiness and acknowledge..."
Tell me that's not deep! The best part is, it goes on like that for 1200 pages! And it includes 6 chapters on proper skin moisturization!
In Shine That Bald Head!, I lay out the 5 obstacles to what I call "True Shininess". Have you achieved the level of shininess you deserve? What's holding you back?
In this book, I help you through the...
...Five Stages of Grief Over the Loss of Your Hair:
1) Denial - I'm not losing my hair, it's just spreading out a little.
2) Anger - Stupid hair!
3) Bargaining - Please, if I can just keep my hair through my 30's, I won't do a comb-over.
4) Depression - Oh God! I look like Curly from the Three Stooges!
5) Acceptance - I'm bald, shiny, and beautiful!
Now doesn't that sound like something you'd like to read? No, strike that. Doesn't that sound like something you need to read?
Man, I'd like to tell you more about my books. In fact, you people need to hear more. I can tell. But Yoda, or as I like to call him, "The Man", insists I write shorter posts. "Write a post, not War and Peace you must. On and on you ramble, on and on and on. Too long your posts are."
Well excuse me for not writing about toilet boards, or potty scooters, or "leaving presents"! I guess if your post isn't poop-related, it's not welcome here!
I'm trying to write about something important! I'm trying to help people, make a difference in people's lives! But I guess that's not good enough for The Man!
Anyway, Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow after he's back from the pot farm. What the - ? What in God's name has he been doing? Man, I need a vacation.