Guest Poster: Mace Windu [Topic: My Beautiful Shiny Head]
I've come to the realization that there is nothing in this world more beautiful than my shiny head. That's right - my beautiful, round, chestnut tone, bald, shiny head. I've never seen a more attractive shape anywhere in the Universe.
I'm a pretty man!!
Just like Muhammed Ali, but better. He didn't have my perfect shiny head. Plus, his face would get all puffy from being punched all the time. But I don't let that happen to my face. I moisturize six times a day - seven on the weekends. You don't get this soft, young-looking skin by accident. No sir!
But back to my head. My shiny head. My beautiful shiny head.
I love to get up early in the morning just to look at my head. I position my full-length vanity mirror so that it faces the window, that way I can see the sun rise over my head. As the first rays of daybreak bounce off of my handsome noggin, it starts to glimmer radiantly in all its chestnut glory! You ain't never seen such a beautiful sight! My eyes well up just thinking about it. Excuse me, I need a tissue...
Ok, I'm back. Back to talk about my shiny head. Have I mentioned how pretty it is?
When I look in the mirror, specifically at my head, I don't know how any woman could possibly resist me. I feel sorry for all the female Jedi in the Temple. I'm sure that everyday when they get the pleasure of looking at my beautiful head, they consider breaking their Jedi Oath just to have a taste of Mace Windu sweetness! Mm hmm, that's right! It must be torture for them. Oh, but when I combine the beauty that is my head with a little Epilady around the eyebrows and my twice-weekly professional manicure, watch out! There ain't nothing can stop me then! (Excuse my poor grammar, but I can't contain myself when I'm talking about my beautiful head!)
Sure, for awhile I bought into the hype about hair. I experimented with toupees and wigs. But let me tell you, man, hair is overrated! Especially when you have a cranium as divinely perfect as mine! You see, I realized that I was denying the unfathomable beauty of my scalp. Maybe I couldn't handle that much beauty yet. Maybe I wasn't ready for it. But now, I want to shout so the whole world can hear me, "I'm bald; I'm beautiful; I'm not wearing underwear; and I don't care who knows it!"
Yeah, I had to put up with the jokes. Like Yoda pointing at my head and making his childish remarks about "stubble there is, stubble there is not". But he's just jealous, man! I mean, why wouldn't he be, with that little wrinkled old knot-head he's got?
So if you've got a pretty head like mine, I'm here to tell you, don't let the nay-sayers tear you down, man! Wear that skin with pride! Preach it!
That's all I have to say. Yoda will be back to talk to you people tomorrow after he's done getting his - wait, I can't ever read these notes he scribbles down. It looks like he's getting his hair feeder derailed? What the - ? I don't know. Anyway, he'll be back tomorrow.