Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Stop Asking Me to Smile!]


I'm tired of you people asking me to smile! You don't know what I have to put up with every day! You just don't know.

Just this morning, that boy Anakin comes up to me and says, "Yo, Dawg! Wassup! Hey, I saw that supafly lightsaber trick you pulled on that whack Sith Lord the other day. It was fly, yo! You da man, Playa!"

I just wanted to slap him so hard. That boy has less soul than "Uncle Jessie" from that Dukes of Hazzard TV show. But he has the nerve to go around talking like that! And he wonders why I won't call him "Annie from the block". Block-head is more like it.

He's not the only one. I mean, how many times can I listen to Obi-Wan belch his way through the Alphabet before I lose my mind? And I don't care what he says, he is not using the Force to help him do that!

And Yoda. Oh my God! He keeps saying how he's almost 900 years old. Well, you'd think someone who has lived that long would have enough life experience so that he wouldn't have to keep telling the same three stories over and over again. And if I have to hear about his varicose veins one more time, I swear, I will amputate his leg for him! Don't even get me started on that Dolly Parton obsession of his.

None of that is as bad as when the three of them are together. I would love to sit down at the dinner table just once, without being drawn into a game of "Guess Who Farted". It wouldn't be so bad, if this game didn't last all night. Oh sure, they all laugh about it when it happens, but no one wants to admit to doing it. For the love of all that is good and decent, people, take some responsibility for your actions! And for your information, Obi-Wan, it is not always, "the smeller's the feller", no matter how many times you say that!

I am going to lose it one day, man, just lose it! I've tried coping. I've really tried. But trust me, they do not make enough Prozac for you to take that can make Obi-Wan Kenobi seem like a real human being. Now you tell me, what do I have to smile about? What?!

Yoda will be back tomorrow, after he's done getting his tattoo, or whatever the heck he's doing. Now leave me alone. And stop asking me to smile!

Comments on "Guest Poster - Mace Windu [Topic: Stop Asking Me to Smile!]"


Anonymous sir quartus stratus, the brother said ... (11:07 PM) : 

may the force be with you.


Anonymous Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator said ... (11:07 PM) : 

Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I bet you'd smile if you hung out with Aayla Secura more often. Hubba hubba.

[This comment had been accidentally deleted.]


Blogger Geewhiz said ... (12:03 AM) : 

Worry, you must not. Smile you do not, so for you we smile. From me, that fart was.


Blogger Nic said ... (12:10 AM) : 

I want my MJY...(sung to the tune of I want my MTV).

Mace, dude, you may not smile but you made me smile, except I gotta say, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. Didn't they teach you anything at Jedi U.?

So for dissing Yoda: One smack upside your shiny bald head with the splintered ruler.

Remember: Respect Your Elders. Learn it, live it, love it. Even though you're younger, they will *ahem* probably outlive you, so you have nothing to be smug about.

Nic out.


Blogger Mighty Chewbacca said ... (12:26 AM) : 

Bbrbbbhrrrrr? HHrrrawrrmrr! BBrrrrrrrrraarrrrrrrrrrroogggggrrrrrr. Mrmrbbbrbrbabrbbrb Nair???



Blogger Geewhiz said ... (12:59 AM) : 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:05 AM) : 

anakin i can understand being annoying,kenobi maybe,but yoda???
ease up on the little guy.


Blogger Cormer'lir said ... (9:45 AM) : 

Dear Master Windu,

Good table manners are a fine quality to encourage, however, Fart Jokes ARE Funny and Obi-Wan is the man. It’s good to know that a jedi does the same alphabet tricks, thanks.

As for Anakin, I hear that repeated beatings on the hear can cure his speech impediment.


Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:15 AM) : 

I feel bad for both you and Yoda having to put up with Kenobi. He sounds very difficult to put up with. I'll do my part for the great Jedi order -- send him over to live with me. I'll keep him out of your hair (well, so to speak).


Blogger umchaos said ... (12:28 PM) : 

Much Anger I sense in Master Windu.
Anger is the path to the Dark Side.
Anger leads to hate.
Hate leads to suffering.


Blogger pantrygirl said ... (1:04 PM) : 

Umchaos, I believe Yoda said it's

"Anger leads to fear.
Fear leads to stress.
Stress leads to eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night.
Eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's every night leads to getting fat. And that, no one wants."


Anonymous Dark Sith Lord said ... (1:46 PM) : 

Perhaps I can help you with your problem...


Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said ... (2:38 PM) : 

Have you tried dressing up in a clown suit, Master Windu? It may cheer you up.


Blogger trinamick said ... (3:10 PM) : 

I hear ya on the fart jokes, man. Imagine that in a restaurant and you've got our family gatherings. As for the belching, it's all about skill, not the Force. Either that, or the force is VERY strong in me.


Blogger Master Yoda said ... (3:15 PM) : 


Much gas I sense in you, hmm, indigestion. Hmmmm, Had Pork'n'beans you have, I think.


Anonymous matt said ... (3:38 PM) : 

Master Windu... I would not smile either if my light saber was purple!!


Anonymous The Jedi Princess said ... (4:15 PM) : 

Mace, you need to unwind. Go on a vacation. A long nice one.


Blogger NYPinTA said ... (4:42 PM) : 

Ever consider taking up a hobby? Like base jumping?
Oh wait... nevermind.


Blogger hk said ... (8:00 PM) : 

Geek you are.
The nerd is strong in this one.


Blogger Geewhiz said ... (11:38 PM) : 

Taught Obi-Wan to belch the alphabet, I did. Proud of it, I am.


Blogger Jen said ... (5:10 PM) : 

Gotcha, playing "Guess Who Farted" is NOT considered good table politics. I will write that down....


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